How selfish are you?

[Stacey23 GG]

I was reading the posts in Emmi's thread questionnaire and saw a few girls reply about being selfish. For example, Fiona's quote below (hope you don't mind Fiona). I am curious... how many of you believe yourself to be selfish? And how selfish are you if you answered yes? It does seem common among CD's that you have the selfish trait. Jennifer is often selfish and I think she realizes this. I think. :confused: (I love you sweetie. :love: ) For those of you that have a SO, do you also think of them when you're shopping for yourself? Do you ever bring home surprises for the BOTH of you? Do you make time for your SO without thinking about being enfemme? Just curious what you girls think. :think:




Truth is we are mostly self absorbed, selfish, clothes and appearance obsessed, gender confused and isolated - who will readily sacrifice other social and family commitments just so we can hang out in women's clothes.

Fiona xx

[Tamara Croft]

Don't forget romance Stacey..... ;)

[Stacey23 GG]

Good thing you've got my back, Tamara! :D

[Tristen Cox]

Selfish? I let everyone else have there time and do what they want waiting on that little bit of me time that I get. Everyone else is happy even if I'm not. Is that selfish? Oh I'm sure someone will come and post like the last time missing the point and making siome example that sets us all behind a selfish curtain. But if we were all in the closet to have the need for a place like this in the first place, I don't see how 'we' are selfish at all :no:

[Stacey23 GG]

Tristen - I would agree with you and here's why. We should all spend our time doing what we WANT to do. Life is too short to worry about other people's happiness. Whether that is being alone, spending time with your SO, spending time with friends - whatever. I guess for those of us in relationships, there should be a compromise and an understanding of the others needs, however. Would you agree with that? For instance, if Jennifer were out looking for something to wear, I would find it very flattering if she also picked up something special for me from time to time. I would know that she was also thinking of me. I'm not a huge shopper but when I do venture out, I do try to find something for Jennifer as well. Sometimes I find something, sometimes I don't. And reserving some time for just us is important, too and I treasure those times.

[Tristen Cox]

Of course, I think mainly if/when they forget to consider their other half it's out of that dreamy freedom that's running through their head. I'm not in and haven't ever been in a relationship with an accepting woman(doubt I ever will) but if I was then I would always try to make an effort at thinking of them too, otherwise yes I would be acting selfish and I couldn't blame them for being upset with that.

[kathy gg]

I finally got my hubby to start looking at this board...now if only I could get him to answer the damn questions! :mad:

So I will answer for him, (like usual). When we first married he commented that cding in of itself is a selfish act. But because this was something that I could get in on the fun with it never felt that way to me. He did (and still does) surprise me from time to time with unexpected things. One thing that I value right now more than a 'present' is the gift of time. Our little girl is 1 1/2 yrs old and it is tiring, since I am the stay at home mom. But when I have to tromp out to play tennis several times a week, or go to a tournment for like 6 hours on the weekend, he never complains, never says anything to make me feel bad for not being home. He also does not say anything like 'well you spent 2 hours playing tennis so I have to spend two hours doing blah-blah.' I know many households where for every "tit" there must be a "tat" and I am lucky that my hubbys view on our fun activites does not have to be tallied up!

No matter what anyone might think, I always think "I" am the lucky one for having such a considerate spouse.

hugs
kathy in canada

[Stacey23 GG]

Kathy - you hit on an excellent point. Some of the SO's are more involved in the CD'ing aspect of our partners' lives. Some of the SO's aren't even aware of this part of their partners. I would think the more involved the SO's of CD's are in this aspect of their lives, the less selfish they seem to be. Because they are sharing this part of themselves rather than isolating it and keeping it in the closet. Sharing = not selfish. :D

But I have read various posts on this forum of CD's who are very considerate of their SO's by thanking them for their support, giving them quality time, and just plain raving about them. So this makes me think that SELFISH should not be a term to describe someone who crossdresses. So many people think this which is why I raised the question. Shoot, any human being can be selfish.

[Stephenie]

I don't feel that I am selfish. I would like time to be fem without hiding it, but for now I can't and please my wife, who is very disapproving. So I msut wait till I have time alone which is not often. I do think of my wife while we aren't toghter and will buy her things more often than I buy for myself. If she was accepting of my dressing I think I would shower with gifts and praise, wash her feet every night and wake her with kisses every morning.

[Tamara Croft]

If she was accepting of my dressing I think I would shower with gifts and praise, wash her feet every night and wake her with kisses every morning.So why don't you do that anyway??

[Stephenie]

The gifts and praise she get on a regular basis. the feet washing w/lotion rub at least once a week, more in the winter when her feet are dryer. and I let her sleep in the mornings while I get ready for work then kisser before leaving. So I would just have to do it more often.

She is a great lady and I love her dearly, I just wish she would try to understand me a bit more.

[michellej]

I have bought my wife clothing and gifts the entire time we have been married (26 years). She has said that I should do more for myself. But, I love her so much that it's easier to think of her than me. I feel selfish (there's that word) if I think of myself any more than I do. I do treat myself very nice too, thank you. I miss her when we aren't together, call her several times a day, and wish we could spend more or all of our time together. I retired early (60), and she's still working. She has a rather long commute, she leaves the house at 6:00 AM, and gets home at 5:30 PM. I get up at 5:00 AM with her, make coffee, her breakfast and lunch, take her to the bus stop, do all the chores (shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning, quite the little "wife") around home, make dinner, and wish I could do more for her. I used to have a "members card" at the womens suit shop at Nordstroms where I would watch for the sales so I could buy her a suits that I knew she would look good in. Yes, I know her size! I went to a yard sale this morning, and found a pair of Frye boots that I thought might fit her, called her at work to see if they would. She has narrow feet and is hard to fit. They didn't.

She knows that I CD, and would rather I keep it to the time I have alone of which I now have a great deal. I do wear femine undergarments at all times, and she's OK with that. When I buy something that's quite fem, she asks if I'm going out in that, and I say "No, it's for around the house". "OK" she says.
Selfish, yes, I'm selfish. I'm selfish that I guard every second of time I can spend with her. I want to make her life as good as I possibly can, and she does the same for me. No one better get in the way of our happiness!

[Fiona K]

Narccissim is a common comment about TVs, which can be interpreted as selfish, I find myself being too self absorbed at times and have to give myself a mental shake and remember how the whole TG thing affects my wife and the rest of my life.

Fiona

[Holly]

In the classic definition of the word, probably yes. I think we all are, male/female, cd/non-cd, accepting/non-accepting, etc. It’s human nature, possibly rooted in the drive to survive. We all like to have things our way. I think the real question is not how selfish we are, but how giving we are. One offsets the other. I love my Holly Days! But I find even greater satisfaction in making HTGurl as happy as I possibly can. I do this with varying degrees of success. I’d love to buy her tons of clothes as shopping is somewhat of a passion with me. Alas, her body shape makes it difficult and more often than not, when I do buy her things, she must take them back to get proper fitting items. (And yes, I do know her size). I do try and do other things and call her from work daily just to tell her I love her. Sometimes it works out to where we can have lunch together.



After almost 37 years of marriage, I still find HTGurl as attractive and as exciting as when I first met her and try to find new ways to tell her, in both words and actions. She’s given me 3 wonderful children (one who is a member here). She has stayed by my side through the bad times as well as the good. She has encouraged me to aspire to my full potential. She has allowed me to seek my true self. And she’s pretty darn good in the b… well, you know. :o



I find I receive a bigger blessing in my relationship with my wife if I put her emotional and physical well being ahead of my own. What the Bible teaches about it being more blessed to give that to receive (Acts 20:35) is absolutely true. (Come join us in the Religion Discussion Group- shameless plug :Pray: ). It seems the more I put her wellbeing ahead of my own, the harder she tries and the greater the lengths she will go to please me. It makes no logical sense… all I know is that it works!



So yes, I am selfish. But I do try and keep in mind that my selfishness is better rewarded when I am the most giving.

[Clare]

Selfish? No way!

I had always given everything i could to my wife and children during our 9 year relationship - often to my own detriment.

But when it came to XDR, it was my secret and something i only did when i was alone. It never hurt anybody and it did not affect my relationships (as far as i know).

I guess the focus of the question for me is: Is having the secret ITSELF a selfish act? Perhaps, but i would prefer that to the alternative of the problems which occur if i'd come out to my ex wife and family/friends.

Christine

[Rachel Morley]

I don't consider myself selfish. You know how how people always say relationships should be 50/50 ? Well, for us, we feel that relationships work better when each partner gives just a little more than s/he takes. SO it's not 50% it's minimumally 51%. For a relationship to work you have to put your partner's feelings before your own at LEAST 51% of the time.

Thankfully for Marla and Me we are way above the 51% figure. :) In fact we always tell each other what we are thinking, so speaking one's mind and telling the other how you really feel comes easy to us. This helps us to understand one another better and enables us to put ourselves in the other's shoes.

I don't buy Marla gifts of flowers and chocolates etc "that" often. By mutual agreement we tend to focus more on the important things in life that is impossible to put a price on. Also it would be impossible for me to surprise Marla anyway because she is in charge of all of our finances and I have to document everything that I spend money on each week.

The proof of not being selfish (for us) has nothing to do with chocolates or flowers. It's about letting the other one know from the bottom of your heart how you feel about them. It's about putting their feelings and needs above your own.

[gender_blender]

Humans in general are selfish by nature. They only express it in varying degrees at different times.

I would say that I am more hedonistic than pure selfish. I try to minimize my selfish intention, which becomes more easily a focus in life when you are publically open concerning your sexuality and gender expression.


Charlie

[FionaAlexis]

Stacey – I’m very happy that you have re-quoted my words here and used them to further the dsicussion. I’m also quite happy that they reflect my perceptions of trannies. Admittedly I am speaking mainly to those who are gender dysphoric – but I guess some of the same traits apply to those CDs quite content to be male who have a need to cross dress from time to time.

To focus specifically on the ‘selfish’ trait which you have, my namesake, Fiona K, has pretty well hit the nail of head in her post that being self absorbed with gender stuff can affect all aspects of your life. And regularly and almost inevitably leads to making selfish decisions and taking selfish actions. Gender dysphoria can ebb and flow in your life as in my case. Or it can increase in intensity over time or with increased activity as in the case of others – and I think we’ve seen a couple of posts recently on here by Natasha Sometimes who has moved to the next level. When it ebbs you make decisions based on making a ‘normal’ life for yourself as a male – these decisions can be marriage, fathering children and taking on responsibilities. You suck someone else into your confused life because YOU want to fit in to some normality. When it flows and the sense of urgency to be female increases – then that life you’re in can often seem restrictive and a burden – and the whole sense of balance and sharing goes out the window either for a time, while you get it out or your system ….or permanently.

But even when your gender dysphoria is relatively stable the need to spend time in female mode often conflicts with other life demands. This may be greater if you are dressing in secret but even in my cases like mine where my partner knows and accepts, there is a tendency to feel frustrated when YOUR time is restricted for any reason.

Recent examples in my own life - recently my daughter took a day off from school which messed up my plans to go out dressed – and I was pretty cheesed off. Afterwards I thought this is both ridiculous and very unreasonable – my daughter can’t even take a day off without feeling unwelcome in her own home.

I have recently paid for a short holiday for my partner, daughter and her boyfriend. It’s a surprise- but a win-win – and my motives are pretty selfish.

I hope this clarifies my thoughts.

Fiona xx