Ugh...why am I so scared.

[cdkelsi]

Gosh I just want to scream. I am so jealous of all you that have gotten out there. I want to. I feel comfortable when dressed. Very comfortable. I still need help with the hair and makeup thing and maybe that is the reason. I feel I have a good body and all for being a tall girl. I just can't do it. UGH!!!
I feel I have made a few connections here with some local girls and that should help right? What do I do? How do I make that first step and why is it so hard?

[Karren H]

Took me a million trys before I just opened the door and walked out.. Everyone is scared the first time.. Just grab the knob and walk out.. Once you do you will really wonder why you were afraid. Trust me..

[shesgotleggs]

Karren's right. Just go and do it. It is the most exhiliarating feeling.... if we were closer I'd come over and hold your hand and take you with me :)

Hugs, Tracy

[Rachael Ray]

Start by just going for a drive......You'll have the security of being in your car, but the sensation of being "out and about". Try it. You'll see :D

[SuzanneBender]

Karren is right. Opening the door the first time is scary as you go out, but the exhilration of coming back in the door WOW! I still experience the pink fog even if I have gone out every day for a week.

It is scary because you have no idea what is going to happen and you tell yourself that the whole world is going to point a finger and laugh. Here is what I found out: Many people out there will be curious but wonderfully accepting: most people are too tied up in their own lives to even notice you and if they do they are too busy to make a fuss; the few that point a finger and make an issue of your dressing are narrow minded biggots whose opinion really doesn't matter.

My biggest regret concerning this part of my life is I didn't kick open that darn door the first day I was dressed and yell, "World here I am and you can't put me back." Ok....Maybe the neighbors would have been a little concerned if actually kicked open the door and screamed, but you get my drift.

I just wished you lived in Kansas. We would go out shopping this weekend.

[cdkelsi]

You all are so sweet. Thanks. Still not easy for me though. Hope to get to know you all.
if you are on FB too look me up. All the best to you all. Hugs

[carolinoakland]

yep, that first step is the hardest. I'm trying to think about the nearest cd convention to you, I mean beside's southern comofort in Atlanta, I forget but I think that one's in Sept. Last year California Dreaming was cancelled due to the economy, but... I strongly suggest that you're first full time outing is one of these, and if you need help with the hair and stuff THIS is the place to get that help! Maybe this will help. For all the things I THOUGHT would happen if the world saw who I really was... 99.99 percent NEVER happened. Didn't mean that it couldn't have, you HAVE to be prepared to be safe! But like above, most people are much to self absorbed to even notice what anyone else is doing. Just go ahead and give yourself persmission to be happy. You'll never look back, Carol

[AndreaCD1963]

Walking out that door is probably the hardest thing to do ... and the best thing to do !! Took me forever to get out the first few times. But once I was out, wow what an exhilerating feeling. Once you are out, you will learn, the fear is within yourself only. Out there, it's great !!

[sherri]

why is it so hard?Maybe cuz you're a wuss?

Just kidding!!! :D

I think Karren answered this well in another thread, something to the effect that when your desire outweighs your fear, you'll do it.

As for how, if you're not up to the bold approach, have you considered slinking out the door? Crawling? Running in a zig-zag pattern to the car? :)

Or do this: in drab mode, get in your car and go hide your house key somewhere. Then go back home, get dressed, step outside and lock yourself out of the house. Now you have no choice but to go for a drive to retrieve your key. Never underestimate the efficacy of putting yourself in no-turning-back situations. It's hard on the heart but great for personal growth. :) What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

[TNRobin]

My first time out was at my girlfriend's place and we went for a long drive. She stopped and went in a few places and I stayed in the car. I did a lot of people looking and never had anyone pay any attention to me in a negative way.

I did cheat though. The first time that I really got out was at SCC this past fall and it was AWESOME!!! If you can go next you then you really should.

It is MUCH easier if you have someone that you can go out with to lean on and provide support.

[Amy Hepker]

Don't be scared, ENJOY!!!!!!!

[Miranda09]

Don't worry Kelsi. When you're ready to take that big step, you will. I can relate to what you're saying. I have only been out once, but it was a blast!! I'll do it again, when I'm ready. In the meantime, just have fun with everything, and when you DO go out, make sure you're with others. It'll be safer, and you'll have a nice time. :)

[Spacey]

Thanks for posting this Kelsi. I'm in this situation too and I'm sure there are many more. I'm all ears on this thread.

[flic]

Yep, i agree with everyone else,,,the anticipation is the worst thing, however bad you build it up to be, the reality will never be as bad, or as scary as you might think. But, if you don't feel ready, don't rush yourself,,,we all have our own timescales!!
x flic x

[Roxi Loh]

I had a different experience. I had been going out quite regularly but then stopped when I lost my job. I tried going out a couple of weeks ago and just lost my nerve. Then some friends asked me to go out last sat nite and I said yes and just did. I had a great time.

[Kathi Lake]

Kelsi,

Everyone here is correct - it's a big risk/reward scenario. When the potential reward outweighs the risks, you will go out. For me, I came to the conclusion that I never wanted to be the person who looked back on their life and said, "If only . . ."

Now that I have been out, you know, once or twice :) you can't get me back in sometimes.

Just do it. Don't worry abut the hair and makeup - I'm still horrible at it - because if you do, you'll always find little reasons why you can't possibly go out.

Kathi

[jenna_woods]

yes its scerry, go for a drive at night , stop get some gas, and relax most people are to busy to even notice you. relax is important. every time you go out it gets easier,

[Midnight Skye]

- Giggles - going out the first time is very hard. I finally got up one morning, decked out and dashed out the door before I could think about it much. Driving is great, protected by the car, but open for others to see. I hit the gas station and Walmart after. I say go for it. Just avoid co-workers and you should be all good ;)

[Fab Karen]

Like Karren said, many of us took a long time before getting to the point of going out, and a bit longer even for going out in daylight. Many of us the first times out were just to gay clubs/tranny nights at a club, which is sort of a larger closet ( if that's all you do ).
Feeling you look the best you can helps with some confidence. Then you have to say to yourself don't think about it, just go, and when out focus on what you're doing ( shopping, getting a coffee, etc. ) and forget about what you're wearing. You're just another person out doing their thing. Being in a crowd of people is the safest place you can be.

[sherri]

A couple more thoughts --


It would indeed be great to go out with friends. That would be huge. But if you don't have any suitable for such an occasion, don't let that stop you. Just use common sense, stay away from dicey situations and places, and you'll be fine.
When the time comes, your heart will be pounding so hard you can hear it, your legs will literally be shaking, your palms sweating, all your senses on red alert, jumping out of your skin at every little thing ------ and when you get back home you'll think, wow, that felt great!!! :D It's a rush. Some day you'll look back on all that and think, I wish I could feel that way again. Mark my words.

[trannie T]

Few things in life are as terrifying as going out the first time. Few things are as much fun. I do not recall seeing a post on here by anyone who only went out once and had such a horrible time that they never did it again.
Pull up your big girl panties and head out the door, you are going to have a good time.

[cdkelsi]

You are all very kind and very appreciative of it. I do hope to step out.
Soon at that.
I hope to get to know all of u as well. One thing for sure. Having friendship and support is a great feeling.
Hugs to u all.

[WandaRae2009]

It is hard the first time. It took buying a new wig & I felt more presentable, and a fire alarm at the hotel to push me out the door. It was terrifying, exhilarating, and turned out actually fun. What a confidence booster. Can't wait until my next trip.

[Frédérique]

Start by just going for a drive......

A great way to get out the door – once you start, you’ll be an unstoppable maven…


My biggest regret concerning this part of my life is I didn't kick open that darn door the first day I was dressed and yell, "World here I am and you can't put me back." Ok....Maybe the neighbors would have been a little concerned if actually kicked open the door and screamed, but you get my drift.
I just wished you lived in Kansas. We would go out shopping this weekend.

I feel like doing that myself, but I’m fearful that I’ll either be tarred and feathered by a mob of Lutherans, visited by one of the two police officers in Lindsborg, or completely ignored, all of which are counter-productive to the reason for kicking down the door in the first place. For now, I’d be happy with this reaction: “That’s our neighbor?”
You’d better stay in bed and get well, Suzanne. I don’t think a hundred-mile trip to the nearest town to look at shoes would be in your best interests -- baby, it’s COLD outside!. Brrrrr…

[rayander01]

Hi, I'm a new kid on the block. I'm 68 and have large hands and a very deep voice. No chance in this life time for me to go OUT. wish I could. Besides my wide would kill me. So you see, there are many reasons for not going out. JUst fine your comfort level and be glad you are you.

[sherri52]

Again just do it. My first time out was at night in my car and never stepped out of it. It took awhile to step out completely. Years later I can't count the times I wished I had made a giant leap that first night.

[Alice Torn]

Rayander, I hear you about very large hands! Mine give me away every time. My first time out, I went to a town far away, went to a motel, dressed under male clothes, took shoes, wig, lipstick, and makeup, in a sack, scared, but went out driving, stopped, walked some, then, wenmt to three gas stations, and pumped a little gas. The next night, i drove, walked around, was watched by cops, then pulled over, after i drove. Scary, but, the cop was great, just warned me about my nervous driving. The next day, i was in a sexy dress, dark hose, high heels, but, the wig was too small, and short. However, i was dressed 12 hours, in broad daylight, walked in several towns, got laughed at some, cat called, stared at, but really enjoyed it, all alone. Those were the first times out. At the apartment place i live, no way would i walked out dressed, though! Just thought i'd share my first times out. I am still very cautious, though, as huge hands, and six foot six, gives me away, fast! Lots of good advice here, but avoid dangerous places.

[Sally2005]

There are different levels to going out...daytime is the hardest and at night easier. You can stay in your car or get out and walk around. You can go with someone or do it alone. You can change at home or in the field. Pick something easy and go for it. The first time is scary, but it gets better.

[victoriamwilliams1]

The first time was hard for me so I would go out at night and drive around! I have worn out 2 cars doing that including with me going out anytime I want when dressed. Take baby steps and set goals that you can obtain.

[Lucypink]

Yes we were all scared the first time, I would recommend to plan your outing, think where you would like to go, if you will need a panic bag with men clothes, etc... nothing very sophisticated, but just planning on the safe side.
For me planning is like fantasizing on the whole thing, so it is part of the fun. But do it it is the best!!!

[NV Susan]

Hi,
If you REALY want to go out en femme JUST DO IT, the rush you get will be the best high you ever had!!! I'll never forget my first time back in the early 70's, just a drive around town one night. I did get up the nerve to stop at a closed gas station and get a soda out of the machine out front!!! I stood there like I was on top of the world!!!
Girlfriend get up the nerve and JUST DO IT!!! :love:

[docrobbysherry]

yep, that first step is the hardest. I'm trying to think about the nearest cd convention to you, I mean beside's southern comofort in Atlanta, I strongly suggest that you're first full time outing is one of these, and if you need help with the hair and stuff THIS is the place to get that help! Maybe this will help.Carol



I did cheat though. The first time that I really got out was at SCC this past fall and it was AWESOME!!! If you can go next you then you really should.
It is MUCH easier if you have someone that you can go out with to lean on and provide support.

I strongly echo what Carol and Helen said! I had never gone out dressed, before the SCC this year. And, had NEVER met another CD!:eek:
After 4 days dressed there, it became so easy to leave my hotel room!:)

After that experience, I learned that I have NO DESIRE to go out dressed, unless it's with other cool girls, like Helen! :hugs:
It's just not worth it for me, at this point in my CDing:brolleyes:!

[AlanaBCD]

I guess I am in the minority. The first time I went out was during the day. I went into a KMart, Target. I just had the attitude that "Who cares, this is me". I knew I would get laughed at. When I went out and walked right past people and no one reacted, I was shocked. I was half relieved, and half exhilarated. If you have a desire to go out, just do a little planning and go enjoy yourself.

I can only go out during the day, as I am not out to my wife and she works during the day. So it was do it or give up ever doing it. The desire was not going anywhere, so I knew I had no choice. I enjoyed it so much, it was worth the scare. I go out now and again. It get's easier. The second time I went out, I went to a Lane Bryant store. That made it even easier. I took everyone's advice and knew that they would be accepting, and they were.

[CherylFlint]

As usual, Karren hit the nail on the head once again. Matter of fact, what she said is just what I did, went for a drive.
Then one time I got gas, using my debit card. Nobody started screaming and pointing, which was a relief.
Then I went to a gay/lesbian bar, and everyone there was cool.
Then I went to the mall and had a makeover.
Step by step. Now I can go just about anywhere, and do, and the more I get out, the more self confidence I have which, I think, is half the battle.
Good luck, you'll enjoy it.

[tonixd]

Just getting out and doing it is the most important thing.
I remember shaking in my car for nearly a half-hour, afraid of what people might think.

My biggest step was going to work in a skirt. It was nerve wracking. I work in a theater, and, at the time, we had several high school cast members. I was so shocked when they were the coolest about it!

Nobody has ever gotten on my case. If I hear someone say something, I will approach them, state my case, let the ask their questions, and move on.

Because of this, I now have so many advocates on my campus and in my community it's amazing. I hear stories almost daily of people defending me and the transgender cause as a whole because I was willing to step out and be me.

Don't back down, don't shy away, don't be ashamed. Take that step. It is one of the most important things you will ever do.

[Jennifer Marie P.]

Taking that first step is hard dressup the way you look comfortable and try to go with some of your GG friends and see if they can do a makeover for you and you will feel more comfortable that way. Now go and have a girls night out.

[cdkelsi]

Baby steps. I hope to accomplish. I have driven around, but with no makeup or hair just dressed in girl clothes. Yes that is a great feeling, but still trapped in a way not being able to get out or anything. Ya know.
Soon..i hope.

[fyxenlisa]

great thread Kelsi, I'm in the same boat as you. There are so many 'what ifs', so I can appreciate people saying 'just do it'. There must be some horrific tales too though - probably best not thought about, but I think that it would be way easier going out with a sympathetic gg. The only trouble is finding one....

Good luck - and let me know what happens!

Lisa

[MichelleT]

There are so many 'what ifs'
Lisa
I did therapy for several months earlier this year to work on my fears. The therapist said the fears are caused by my thoughts and beliefs. You have to change your thoughts and beliefs. So instead of thinking 'what if something bad or embarrassing happens' think 'what if I have a good time and if something embarrassing comes up, I can deal with it'.

That doesn't mean it is easy though. I have made improvement but I still have a ways to go. It is especially tricky if some of those thoughts and beliefs are unconscious.

[Symerika]

The brief late night walk is good, as were the drives.. if you dont get a natural desire to push it further past that, then Id say you arent like the majority, and shouldnt be taking our advice! Somehow though, with your overwhelming desire to get out I know its just a madder of time... and the responces here are dead on... the rush is unbelievable. You wish n wish it never would end... People dont have the radar you give them credit for, nor do they really much care! We make CDing a big huge deal in our minds, but the public doesnt really care! Suck it up! Blast down that wall, you will never feel more alive :)

[Cathytg]

There is a lot of good advice here. Still, only you can make the leap. This my first time out "switch" which has worked every time since then:

I drove to Phoenix for my first time out. I live 120mmiles away so I had a long drive to think about it and "chicken out". I came up with lots of really logical reasons why I should not venture out. They all seemed so logical that I knew I was doomed if kept listening so I decided that I simply had to do something illogical. So, I stopped at one end of a rest stop on the interstate, got out, and walked all the way to the other and back again. OMG! It was so easy! The only hard part was standing up next the car since I knew that I would then be seen. But that just took an instant and I did not have time to panic.

That was the best short walk I have ever had in my life. It changed a lot for me because it showed what I could do if I gave myself permission to do it.

So, just do it. You are in for a wonderful surprise.

[Megan Legz]

I think that the best way to approach something like this is make sure you keep breathing in a relaxed way. If you think of your fear as the feeling you got when you were a child about to open your Christmas presents, it may help. Just breath in and out, and take pride in who you are.

[Fab Karen]

Change your words, and change your thinking. "I'm trapped" - the door is locked because YOU LOCKED IT, & the key is in your hands.
You know agoraphobics ( people who fear being outside their home ) talk the same way. They create the feeling in their mind.
One more note: If you use language like "I always forget my keys" the mind takes this as a program. It reads this as: I will forget my keys.