I'm so bad, but I couldn't help it!

[DiannaRose]

Conversation at lunch today, following a couple of days of depression for my wife (she's going trough some things unrelated to but aggravated by my no-longer-a-secret secret, which she wishes she didn't know):

My wife: "Do you still love me?"
Me: "Of course!"
Her: "Even when I drag on you?"
Me: "Even then. It never changes. Do you still love me?"
Her: "Always!"
A short pause, then, because I simply couldn't help it even though I should have,
Me, with a grin I couldn't supress: "Now see, I could have said 'Even when I drag on you', but I held back."

Both of us cracked up at that, though I could see I also hurt her a little with it because, as she says, she's just not ready to accept that sort of joking yet.

But she still smiled for a long time afterward. :)

I don't know whether to be happy that I made her smile (I used to crack her up all the time, but that's a rare event these days), or mad at myself for upsetting her.

It was a good joke, though. :D

[SuzanneBender]

Humor is the best medicine when someone is down. I think you played this one just right.

[AlisonRenee]

Humor is the best medicine when someone is down. I think you played this one just right.

I agree with Suzanne. :)

[Hope]

Humor and a bouquet of flowers...

[Amy Hepker]

It is really funny when you are talking about someone else, but when you are talking that way about someone you LOVE it is a whole different deal. I mean if it were to girls talking about someone else it would be funny, but a guy saying it to his wife, well she does not like the idea her MAN wears womens clothes and she as hell does not want anyone else to find out. It does hurt them, but it kinda gets them thinking that well it really is funny. You just hit a moral joke that is funny, but not when a husband who dresses, uses it to his wife that still does not accept you that way. There is a movie that plays on the LOGO channel once in a while it's called "Normal" It is about a guy after many years of marriage tells his wife he wants to dress, because he is a female inside. It is a good movie, but watch it yourself before you have your wife watch it. It has good things and bad things that can help and hurt if the wrong wife sees it.

[carolinoakland]

Yeah, just because it was a good joke doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I made the joke to my daughter when I transitioned that I'd finally be able to give her the one thing she'd be asking me for since her mom passed.... a new mom! She didn't think it was funny. Carol

[DaphneGrey]

Sure just be happy about it. Just giver her the space she needs. Answer on her terms and all will be well.

[AllieSF]

I think your funny comment was just that. You could live your life with a wife/SO that does not want to talk about it and you too afraid to try and bring it up. Only communication and maybe counseling can make it work for both of you, otherwise both of you will always be have some type of frustration and pain while walking around on pins and needles trying not to upset the other. One way to break the ice is to instill a little humor into it and take out some of that damn seriousness that seems to permeate everything when living a life like that. I say very well done. Keep up the humor, just make sure not to overdo it. That could really backfire. Life is too short to let fear of communication rule your life and make others suffer too. Yes, humor is great medicine and we all need it especially on this site once in a while. It has opened up many doors and opportunities for me over the years, especially when trying to discuss some touchy topic.

[Jaydee]

Dianna,
I am in a similar boat. I finally came out to my wife within the last month or so. I found out that she wasn't quite ready for humor yet. Last week she was complaining about needing a new bra because the one she was wearing was chaffing. I reflexively and humorously said, "yes, I understand what you mean, and more so than most husbands". Unfortunately she didn't think the comment was funny. Well, maybe with time.

Jaydee

[lilmmissmuffet]

Do you really not get it?
She was looking for reassurance for HER from YOU, this is about a woman going through one of her 'feeling insecure, need my man to give me some love, neet to feel attractive as a woman' signals, heck, not even a subtle signal, she directly asked if you still LOVE her, and you had to bring up the OTHER HER.
From a wifes perspective it helps if you remember that sometimes a woman just needs maleness, and some attention on her,
She will often feel jelous of that 'other woman' specially in the early days, that won't be helped by constant references. Specially if you devote more time and attention to the other woman than her.
The wife with the bra for example, was looking for 'aw, want some cream on that chafed spot babe, we should go buy you some nice new sexy undies, can't have my darling getting rubbed raw'.
Focusing on your partner like that will get you much more acceptance as truly femininly empathic than 'oooh ooh yes ME too I'VE had that. It just makes you seem like that 'other woman' is always on your mind, and she never is.

Not to mention that sometimes, its easier to accept you man dressing if its not constantly there, remember, she fell in love with a MAN and she likes maleness sometimes, don't forget that male 'looking after and giving attention to your women (and not JUST the woman inside)' side we like so much!

The time its ok to make jokes, is when she starts making jokes, Remember you've had years to come to terms with this, she hasn't!

[DiannaRose]

Actually, MissMuffett, I believe you don't quite get my situation. Don't get me wrong...I value your feedback and perspective, but in my case you are wrong.

She wasn't looking for the reassurance because she thought my crossdressing meant I didn't love her. She's been on her own crisis journey that has taken her to places where I couldn't follow, and she thinks my love for her must be lessened because of that. Her need for reassurance came out of her guilt and shame, not out of my dressing.

I actually think I did more good than harm, because--with regard to my issue--more than anything she needs to know that I'm still the same old me. That joke I made is SO something I would say, so I think I showed her that I AM still the same person I've always been.

Please don't think I took offense at your comment, Muffett...I know it comes from a desire to help, and for that reason alone I value it. I just wanted to clarify our unique situation a little. :)

[linnea]

That is very funny! I'm glad that you both laughed.