Never Thought It Would Be This Hard

[JennaDesire]

Many of you know my story already. If not you can look at some of my ealier posts. I want to update my life as it is now. I have not dressed in 4 months. I have completely closed Jenna out of my life. The reason I am doing this is to save my marriage. What I did not realize was that what it would do to me. What I always have a hard time explaining in my posts is how against it my wife is. She does not even want me thinking about it. So 4 months ago I embarked on a journey to end crossdressing in my life once and for all. What I am finding out now is that this probably cannot happen. The desire is starting to pull me back in. I cannot sleep at night, I am always distracted. I do not feel like myself. I keep telling myself that this is for the better, but part of me knows that this thought will not last. The bottom line is that I miss being Jenna, alot. How long can I keep suppressing this? At what cost to me? Believe me if there was any way to approach Maria(my wife) and try to explain this to her, I would. She does not want to understand it, as far as she is concerned, I am sick to be like this. She thinks that just because I have these feelings inside me, I am sick and need medication. She does not want to be educated about it, she just wants it stopped. I look at my body with hair all over it and want it off! I want to polish my nails and get all made up. I want to have my legs encased in silk stockings and my body in beautiful lingerie. But going back to this would end everything, my marriage and my life with my children. Because believe me, Maria would do everything in her power to destroy me. So I wonder, what do I do as the need for Jenna eventually overcomes me? What would you all do?

[AllieSF]

I would start with therapy and tell your wife why you are doing it. She doesn't have to like it nor accept your desires. However, she cannot stop you from trying to work it all out with some professional third party help to keep your sanity and health. In this you need to be determined and firm. It is not to justify the dressing but to try to help you to stop it. If you get someone with experience in this area, you will get better help. If possible after you have been in therapy for a while, you should invite your wife along. Believe me that having a third party explain what is happening to you is the best way to go in your case. If that doesn't work and you can't get into counseling with or without your spouse, I think your marriage will fail. I can only recommend that you then get things in order and be prepared. If you do not confront this now, it will only get worse and that includes your suffering and maybe even your health. You both need the opportunity to try to resolve this as best possible, and if that doesn't work to start over as soon as possible. Sorry for being so direct. However based on what you have written this is my opinion. Good luck.

[docrobbysherry]

If Jenna is part of u, you and Maria will DEFINITELY need help!:straightface:

If CDing is just a HOBBY, try to replace it with something else! Play golf, hockey, go skiing, or make model trains. If nothing makes u forget CDing, it's NOT a hobby! Go back to Plan A, above!:brolleyes:

[Fab Karen]

Unless there's hope for understanding ( couples therapy would be needed ), you know where this will go. Talk to a lawyer about your situation, you could at least get visitation rights for your children.

[Karren H]

If it were easy... I wouldn't be here for sure... I'd be out playin more hockey!

[DiannaRose]

Jenna, I am so sorry to hear this. It is so hard when a spouse can't accept us for who we are. My wife would also rather not know anything about it. She also thought it was something wrong with me (for years, so did I), but she is slowly--oh, so slowly--coming around to acknowledging it (the essential first step) and accepting it. At least a little. She will never accept it fully, let alone support me with it.

You are better than I for even trying, because I know I could never give this up, even for the sake of my marriage. Not "won't", Jenna, but "can't". For forty years--child to adult--I tried to suppress it, bury it, ignore it, deny it. Always it comes back to the surface. It's who I am, and I only just within the past year accepted this as fact.

My wife and I are seeing a counselor starting next week, who has been dealing with this situation for years. I don't know whether we're going to end up divorced or not...the possibility is very real because she can't even look at me any more without seeing "her" (even though she's never seen "her"). But we're both trying, for the sake of 21 married years together and two kids.

Maria sounds like a very rigid soul. Clearly there are reasons why she can't allow herself to think about this issue. Therapy may help uncover some of those. Definitely I would at least get some therapy for yourself, for the stress and anxiety you are feeling--very real emotions. If you think divorce is the most lileky outcome, then as Karen suggests, it's probably not to early to speak with a lawyer.

One of the things I've started doing--because I can't talk to her about any aspect of this--is to write my thoughts down. It's a letter to my wife that I'll probably never give her, but it helps me to organize my thoughts and emotions so I can see how all the pieces fit together. Some will--when they come out--push my wife toward the edge. I know this, and I depserately hope and pray these things don't come out until she can at least hear them, but I just don't know. The one thing I do know is that I can not give it up.

I put a lot of my faith and trust in God, and it helps me considerably. He has been my sole source of comfort, support, encouragement, and even a wall for my anger and frustration, because there is nobody else I can talk to about it--my best friend wants nothing to do with it, as said. I don't know whether you feel comfortable reaching out to Him, but I will pray for you and your wife anyway.

Keep us posted, Jenna, and if you need an ear, feel free to message me.

[KayleeDahl]

I think that counseling is definitely the next step for you and potentially your SO. If you are anything like me, you just won't be able to keep up this charade. IMHO it will cause damage to your self esteem, and relationship, because u are succeding to her point of view - believing that you have to hide it because it is a sickness.

I also agree that writing down exactly what is going on with you, be it in a letter to your SO or a journal will be very helpful to you understanding, and formulating your thoughts. I do this regularly, and it really helps me to deal with the hardships in my life, be they work, or relationship.

Hugs!!!
-Sera

[sherri]

The fact that your wife won't even talk about it is annoying and tough, I agree. That battle of wills in a marriage, man ... well, it can cause you to clamp down mentally and emotionally. But those kids, ya know? Would you really be willing to look them in the eye someday and admit that your family fell apart because you needed to wear heels and lingerie? Or would you cobble together some other excuse?

I feel you, I really do, and there's no question that sticking will continue to require a sacrifice on your part. But to me, sacrifice is a part of being a parent and the payoff is worth nearly any price. I think you know this already, so I just want to build you up.

That said, it's not all sackcloth and ashes. For one thing, you don't know what the future will bring and with patience and perseverance the dynamics in your marriage could change. At the same time, sometimes the key to walking away from one thing is to become engrossed in something else. Is it possible that you could find another passion in life, one more compatible with your situation, at least for the time being? Docrobby mentioned hobbies, which is an option, but I was kinda thinking something more. Just a thought.

One more thing ... for me, if I were trying to suppress this desire, dwelling on it online or whatever would probably just make things harder. On the other hand, you can find compassion and a desire to help at places like this forum. The thing is, you seem sincere in seeking advice, so I might suggest that this forum shouldn't be the only source you turn to. You need to hear all sides. Others have suggested counseling, lawyers, etc., and you may have other options. If this thing is keeping you awake at night, you need to leave no stone unturned.

:hugs:

[sterling12]

Counseling and Divorce have already been mentioned. I have some other suggestions....none of them are "good," but they might work as stop-gap measures.

1.) Get a storage unit for your stuff! Hide that stuff and use as needed to keep your sanity.

And you can do that: 2.) In a rented Motel Room! Yes, you are hiding things from your wife, but she is The One being more than unreasonable. To keep from going Nuts, you must come up with "coping mechanisms."

3.) Get a job where you can travel. Motel Rooms don't care if you dress, The Trunk of your Car can also make an excellent storage unit, (See item #1).

4.) Join a Support Group, so you can get out with other people who are like you. You get some reassurances your not crazy because you love to be femme, you get a lot of opportunities to dress.

5.) You didn't say so, but I have a feeling that your wife's intransigence is somehow related to religion. Often, some people tend to relate their religion to absolutes, and of course this makes them "stiff-backed," and unbending. Try to find a new church which doesn't care about such trivial matters and wants to actually help people! Perhaps your wife can find some new ideas, with a new religious doctrine.

I feel for you! Right now, it must seem like there are no good answers and no doubt your feeling pushed right to The Wall. Get to that Therapist, and do it quick! Pretty soon your going to require Crisis Intervention. You keep trying to repress and fight The Inner Self...you'll get torn apart!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[SuzanneBender]

Joanie has a point. I hid my dressing, although once I finally came out there was no need, from my wife for almost 12 years using her techniques. I have had jobs that allow me to travel. So if dressing is that important to you there is an option.

HOWEVER, be prepared to replace the frustration in your life caused by the friction between your wife and versus your desire to dress with a ton of guilt and the behaviors associated with it.

Therapy here is key. First gender therapy for you and then have your gender therapist refer you to a gender friendly family therapist. I would not recommend using the same therapist for both areas.

Don't panic about what would happen with a divorce. Be the best Dad that you can be to your children. I know numerous transgendered parents that have custody of their children even after some very nasty divorces.

My heart goes out to you darling. Keep your head up and don't lose faith that things will ultimately work out for the best.

[Sally2005]

Big problem...how can you deny who you are? It is better to accept it and find a way to integrate it. Maybe you can do it without actually dressing up. No one can read your mind, so just be who you want to be inside.

[Ugly Michele]

My first wife did this to me. She made sure everyone knew. I still had joint custody of my son had him 1/2 the time, my true friends did not desert me, kept my job, and my family stood by me. I know this is not what you wanted to hear but is how it panned out. Also have a court order on her to keep her mouth shut but till it was in place she did tell people.

[Frédérique]

I am sick to be like this. She thinks that just because I have these feelings inside me, I am sick and need medication. She does not want to be educated about it, she just wants it stopped. So I wonder, what do I do as the need for Jenna eventually overcomes me?

I think you already know what the answer is, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. Your femme name says it all. You aren’t sick, and you don’t need an uninformed person telling you you’re sick – you don’t need any advice from us, either, but we are at least sympathetic and understanding. There seems to be a lot of SO resistance towards crossdressing in the threads today – why is that? Are we getting near a Full Moon? Oh, we are…:doh:

You can’t deny who you are, any more than she can deny who she is, or how she feels towards your curious compulsion. A little research, maybe combined with a visit here, may convince her that crossdressing isn’t such a bad thing after all. It helps to approach the issue with a sense of humor and compassion, since, from my perspective at least, this is not a life-and-death scenario…

[minalost]

I quit and purged almost 7 years ago because of family issues. I don't recomend it because the urge never goes away, it just gets stronger. I agree about getting counseling. I wish I had!

[KateW]

Clothes or not, you are still the same person inside and you can never stop being you. If I throw all of my male clothes out do I suddenly stop being a man? No. It just means I don't have any clothes!

You could always try getting round it by wearing kilts, guyliner, and taking up cycling, bodybuilding or swimming so that you HAVE to shave your legs!

I hope your situation works out.

Kate xxx

[Wen4cd]

Wow, you're in quite a nasty pickle. There are factors you have to look at. It is hard. Marriage is work.


a. Do you want to be with your wife and family? Or do you feel obligated to, or fearful of the internal end external consequences of bailing? That probably feels like it flip-flops on a pretty harsh cycle, (human nature,) but there's probably, at one end, a genuine desire to have a comfortable 'normal' life, and you'd also like to hold onto the good times and make some more. Keep that in mind if so.

b. If you left your wife, would you ever again feel comfortable dressing? Would her negative image of it continue to hauntingly question you, only now compounded with the nagging judgment that you are so 'bad' that you 'walked away from your family?' Would Jenna be labeled the 'thing that tore your family apart, by anyone? There's a lot of self-rebuke involved in that. You'll have nightmarish images of your kids saying "Why did daddy leave us?" And your embittered ex-wife providing her opinion as the answer. Real or not, you will likely suffer from them, and probably already do.

I want to hug you so bad, but I'm over here, so I'll offer what I can. I wish there was a short easy answer. "Love her, and it all works out." But that rings meaningless in essence, undefinable. Here's all I got for today. :hugs:

Here are some things that you can try, that might help it. It sounds like ranting, but I hope it makes sense.

1. Re-framing the issue: I can't stress enough how vitally important this is. It can be the difference between an accepting, supporting SO and a violently opposed one. Obviously, how she sees you is not how you see yoursel(ves) in this regard, but this does work with self-acceptance as well.

Ideally, you want your wife's internal statement about your feminine side and dressing to first change from: "My husband is inferior to other husbands / fathers because he is sick and has a character flaw, as evidenced by his behavior." to the inverse of : "My husband is better than other husbands/fathers because he is emotionally in touch with his inner feminine nature, and his behavior is aimed at this." View this as THE goal of re-framing. Follow it, focus on it. Repeat it. Make it your goal to make it true, and to make the original statement false, as much as possible She'll feel the extra effort, and it will start to become true, even if unspoken.

Sounds insane, but it is possible to achieve, as these 'inversions' are natural reversals of perceptions, and are easier to accomplish than starting anew, or restating all the terms. This is because they 'both' can be seen as true, since they're two 'values' the same initial observation. (They both can naturally follow "my husband is different than other husbands /fathers.") Your wife is already firmly entrenched at one end, and doesn't know the other exists, when she sees it, it can appear equally as strong.

When you have established both ends of the 'value spectrum' in your wife's (and your own) perception, you can finally experience and enjoy more of the middle, "closer-to-daily-reality" perception, with less of the value judgment. "My husband is different, but just as good as other husbands /fathers in his own way." This is balance, and it needs perception at each end to have been considered by your SO to so frame it. You can enjoy more freedom as well.

To really apply this, you have to not deny your 'feminine side' her due credit. This doesn't mean 'dressing up' per se, but more in realizing and remembering that whenever emotions and affect is at work, it is 'her' work, no matter how you are dressed externally. The 'Jenna' part of you remembers your anniversary, picks the heartfelt gifts, wants to deepen the relationship, and does all the thoughtful emotional things, and enables you to love more profoundly. The 'Jenna' in you was actually the big part of what made your SO originally love you, probably the biggest part on the emotional side, whether or not either of you knew it.

Make Jenna not be that 'sick thing you do," but the source everything she already likes about you. Any sensitivity that your wife appreciates out of you, the openness and communication she secretly longs for: be subtle, but make it very clear where and who it comes from, and you won't ever need mention what hell denying those attributes' expression would create, because it will be obvious that you've been living it already. Get the label of 'good' on Jenna and keep it there. It will make you struggle to make 'good' in whole new and unexplored ways, but you'll be able to speak her name without flinching, while you're growing as a person. Double bonus?

Also remember, you're not manipulating, you're choosing to look at things in a positive way. You have to so the work to also allow yourself to believe this stuff is true.


2. Communication. Sounds cliche, huh?. Sounds like fighting, sounds like hell. Sounds like anything but leveling and respecting one another.. Because it's hard to get on that level. Usually it starts with a 'concession' in the core issue. If Maria thinks you are sick and need medication, I guess a good start would be to say: "I know I am different. I want to be the good kind of different, not the bad kind." She, like most people, want to believe they 'picked' good mate, and different can (see above) be good or bad.

Sometimes my SO and I will fight non-verbally, or in other terms, about some issue, (me forgetting to pay a bill and getting a late fee, for example) for days, or are just bitter with each other over the un-said, and then one night in bed, I'll say "God honey, what the hell is wrong with me where I can't remember simple things?" She doesn't come back with 'get professional help.' 99% of the time, the response inverts to relief, and the issue becomes a non-issue just for me conceding it. Level communication is usually a relief for both parties, and once it starts, it makes things easier.

3. Education. legitimacy, but sideways. You know you can't just throw 'crossdresser' books at your hostile SO and expect it to 'educate' them. "Here honey, I want you to read this here book that will teach you about crossdressing." You'll look like a Jehova's Witness going door to door handing out pamphlets. In fact, anything coming from within the gender world will be 'suspect.' Hell, anything even slightly academic will be taken as a manipulation effort on some level. This leaves one in a frustrating quandry? Where are the influential statements about the benefits and needs to express the feminne side, if not coming from (or through) a 'tainted' source? Well, everywhere. I made a post about movies on another forum this week, and usually find you need to usually look no further than mainstream books, movies, tv, entertainment, legends, folktales, any works of man.

Look for stories about spectral relationships, mermaids, Nymphs, Ghosts, robotic girls, anything where the female lead is not quite human or alive. 8/10 chance there's an archetypal integration story there somewhere. These have the benefits of not only showing the integration process, but also presenting the 'feminine side' in the form of a personified character, allowing the SO to relate more to how you see your feminine side, which sounds somewhat personified.

'Ease of relating' is what you'd be going for here. You'd want stuff like 'Corpse Bride,' 'Ponyo,' Or the second two movies in the 'Pirates of the Carribbean' trilogy for examples. Strong, yey accessible female characters that the SO can relate emotionally to on some level, a connection which transfers to the concept of Jenna, when the comparison is made, showing her as real and not a behavior you do, but a real, feeling presence.

Really though I mention it, "education and legitimacy" are honestly afterthoughts. They can help 'you' cope with re-framing, but feeling is what really counts here, and If your marriage feels right and you are communicating, really trying, making each other happy and fulfilling each other's needs, the proof is in the pudding.

Wow, I am sorry for the big wall of words. I really need to learn to be more succinct. :D I wish you success.

[sherri52]

Theraphy for the both of you would be best but could still cost you your marriage. Look for a job that takes you away from the house a couple of days a month and use that time to dress. Keep your stash of clothes in your trunk.

[KarenCDFL]

My compliments to the people who have posted. There really are a bunch of good people here with much insight.

I am one of the lucky ones who told my wife before we married and over time she has accepted my dressing with gusto!.

My wife says she can do this because she loves me unconditionally! As I do her. More often than not, she tells me "why don't you dress up, you seem like you need it"

I think there is a lot more going on in your marriage than just your dressing. As others have said here, you both may want to seek professional counseling to see what is really going on. Hopefully your wife will respond to counseling in a positive way.

You may find that when you both find out and attempt to resolve the true issues, then you may be able to re-introduce the idea of you wanting to dress.

I wish the best for you and your family.

Good Luck

[busker]

Perhaps trying to shift the focus of your attention. How would you be reacting if the situation you were in concerned your being an alcoholic. I suspect it wouldn't be much different in the physical sense of wanting or needing a drink or two or a hundred or putting on nylons, a dress, etc. Is your family worth that drink?. Is your marriage worth that drink? Is your job worth that drink? Hopefully the answer is no. While I don't know your background, I do know that it is possible if not to outright quit something, it is possible to stop a damaging behaviour. Therapy will probably be a great help in that area. I don't believe finding a travel job so you can go behind your family's back to dress is the answer to your problem. It may take a real man (and a human being) to deal with it. That's like going to AA and having a drink on the way to renounce drinking. Put a card in your pocket that reads "not today" and look at it when you get the urge to dress. Hopefully it will remind you that there are others in your life that depend on you and you in turn depend on.
I wish you good luck in your struggles
Mandrake out of water.

[Rebecca Jayne]

I'd prepare for the worst , pray for the best. Put your foot down, after all you are 1/2 of the marriage/couple and have feelings too.

You may not be the man Maria married, and she probably is not the woman you married. You have changed but I bet so has she.
How long have you been married. Probably not long, and your children are young no doubt, well children are very resilient.

My dear girl, has Jenna been a part of you for a long time, if so she will be with you for your lifetime, make no mistake.

Life is to short to be miserable, guilt ridden and overwhelmed with stress.

[JennaDesire]

I am married 15 years... a long time of suppressing. In answer to one question, my family is worth it. That is why I have stopped. But I cannot keep the urges away.

[Wen4cd]

I am married 15 years... a long time of suppressing. In answer to one question, my family is worth it. That is why I have stopped. But I cannot keep the urges away.

I've been with my wife 18 years dear, married for 10. My family is worth my life. But part of that is because they accept me as an individual. It shouldn't have to be a choice between the two.

The intensity of the unconscious urges are usually based on suppression of that emotional energy. A firecracker lit in an open palm tickles when it goes off, but if you close a tight fist around it, it blows your fingers right off your hand.

If dressing and physically 'being' Jenna is truly not an option, you're going to want to look for another form of creative expression. From the verbiage of your post, you seem a tactile sort, and want to find some way of 'feeling' her.

So how can you experience Jenna without dressing? Drawing would be more visual, but maybe writing her? Writing as her? Meditating with her presence? Journaling her? I know, none of it lets it apply to 'self' too much like dressing does. I'm trying to think of something expressive, tactile and self-related.

Giving massages to your wife would be a good one. I do this sometimes, and when I let 'her' flow through my hands, it's coming from me, I feel Her flowing through me, and my wife starts making little whimpering noises, even if I'm only on her shoulders or neck, which she doesn't make when "I" casually massage her, but only when focusing on the 'femergy.' She feels the difference in energy, and likes it because it's gentle, slow, and sensual. So, she gets to enjoy my feminine side in a real way, and so do I, even when I'm not wearing anything, or speaking at all

Might be worth a shot, it does let the juices flow if you channel it. It's satisfying to know my SO is putty in the hands of my 'feminine energy' as well.

[Stephanie Stephens]

Jenna; I just sat back in my chair and just about cried. The desperation in your post is overwhelming. I hope that your wife has a clue as to what you are going through on behalf of your marriage. I wish you the best of luck and happiness.

[DiannaRose]

[QUOTE=Wen4cd;1961763So how can you experience Jenna without dressing? Drawing would be more visual, but maybe writing her? Writing as her? Meditating with her presence? Journaling her? I know, none of it lets it apply to 'self' too much like dressing does. I'm trying to think of something expressive, tactile and self-related. [/QUOTE]

Wen offers great advice. I write as Dianna, for example, here, on my blog, and off-line. It's very freeing because I get to express myself in ways I can't do as myself (my established writing "voice" doesn't allow for it, and I'd shock my family and fans--both of them :) --if I suddenly started writing with Dianna's voice.

That said, I find I still need that physical expression as well. Don't get me wrong--the writing and blogging helps tremendously. It's amazingly cathartic and relaxing. But sometimes I just need to feel the swish of a dress or the hug of tights, or see the look of mascara on my eyelashes and pink on my lips. These also are relaxing and freeing for me. Sure, it'd be nice to "know" I'm Dianna without the need to see or feel her, but that's not a place I have gotten to yet. Dressing helps me feel feminine, plain and simple. The combination of occasional dressing (and less occasional underdressing) and regular writing/foruming is what keeps me going and gets me through the times when I can do neither.

[KarenHiller]

You're in an impossibly difficult situation. I know from personal experience, and from reading about hundreds of others like us, that it's almost impossible to stop cross-dressing without severe aversion therapy, so it's likely you'll never stop hating your body hair, and you'll always miss the wonderful feeling of all those delicious fabrics we all seem to love.

I had a son with my third wife who is now grown and on his own. After we divorced, I only saw him twice a week, and it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I missed being with him every day and being as much a part of his life as his mother is. He and I are still close and I love him very much. I have no idea if he knows about my femme side, but if he does, he's not confrontational about it. His mother knows, so I'm guessing at some point she told him.

That said, finding someone who accepts me for who I am has made that loss a lot less. I would have hated living my life totally in the closet.

Remember, you only live once. How do you want the rest of your life to be?

Best of luck.

Karen

[Alicia Grey]

I just don't know. The only thing I can think of is to invent a poker night at a friends house she doesn't know (alibi) get a motel room and let the inner girl come out.

Ok it is deceiving her a little. But it is keeping your sanity, while keeping your wife and family, until a better solution comes along.

[tricia_uktv]

So sorry for you hon but the urge will just get stronger and stronger. I don't think you will be able to bottle it up forever. Is there any chance you could come up with an agreement where you were allowed to do it on occasions away from home; but never do it around her?

[Hope]

Wow, that doesn't sound a lot like a marriage worth saving, it sounds more like a hostage situation. "Do what I want you to, or I will destroy you." Yeah, that is a healthy, caring, nurturing person I want to spend the rest of my time with, and want my kids to grow up around. Not. That isn't a wife, that is an extortionist, a mobster, a mugger, a terrorist.

Look, wives deserve honesty, and they deserve consideration, and time to process their feelings, and heaps and tons of compassion and care - but no one, including wives, has the right to try to manipulate and control people either through their unwillingness to (eventually) accept the people they say they love, or by threats of violence.

This is one of those situations where if you (literally) flip the genders it becomes obvious how wrong this is. What if you were a woman coming here telling everyone that your husband won't let you cut your hair and insists that you wear skirts and dresses all the time, tells you that you are sick and need to medication, or he will take the kids, and do everything in his power to destroy you? What would we tell that woman? We would tell her to leave the abusive SOB and we would threaten to show up on his door step with torches and pitchforks.

This is not the behavior of a loving wife. Why you would want to stay in a relationship with a person like that, much less sacrifice in order to stay in a relationship with a person like that escapes me.

You have tried to talk with her about this, and she is unwilling to even talk with you about it, you have given her time and space, but her only response is to deny you the right to be comfortable in your home and express a desire to control your thoughts? This isn't a person who loves you. Rip this bandaid off.

[corrinediane]

Hi Jenna. I read your posts. I have just lived through a situation like yours. I moved all Corrine's stuff to a storage unit. Separated Corrine from the family as best I could. Don't leave a paper trail! Deal with the controlling bitch as her husband. It's war Jenna. Your fighting for everything you've worked for. Kids, house, sanity. Then I let the war begin. Go for all of it. Take the house, the kids, the car and whatever else you worked for. My ex tried to use the cd thing against me too. None of her business. She made her choice. She wants to live in a box that is her choice but she doesn't have the right to make you live in her box. I got the kids 50/50, the house and the car. I let her have everything else. Good riddens! My strategy is one battle at a time. First deal with the bitch. Get her out of your life and out of your head. You will be in a more stable environment to decide how to proceed with your children. Age has a lot to do with that. It's different for everyone. Use your best judgment. Don't take it sitting down! She will tell the kids about you so start thinking about it now. She'll do it out of spite. We've hid this part of our lives for so long that it should be easy for you to keep doing it. Do not get a conscience now. Wait till your divorced then decide if you want to tell your kids, friends etc. Custody will be 50/50 if you live in one of the more "normal" states. If you live in one of the few backward rednecks states left I feel for you. Take comfort that Jenna will survive and be in a much better position when it's over. Until then you need to think tactically and as far forward as possible. Do not be nice! Ever! If she doesn't like it then tell her to pack her shit and get out. The soon to be ex will take advantage of you and will have no second thoughts. If she goes, immediately change every lock to your house. Let your kids see her whenever they want. In fact, be proactive and tell them to see her or call her, whatever. This is just the beginning. Good Luck!

[MsJanessa]

like the lady above said---what do you want the rest of your life to be?--hard to stop because somebody else wants us to--in fact just about impossible as you are finding out---best idea is to try to work out some kind of compromise with your wife maybe you can have one weekend a month outside the house where you are free to dress?? If she absolutly refuses to do anything about it, then some therapy etc

[Maria in heels]

Jenna....there is no easy way or "plan" to cope with the feelings that you have inside as well as your family around you. Sometimes, it is best to "hide" Jenna sometimes, but she does have to "breathe" once in a while as well. If this means, hiding in a motel room or storage unit, then do so if it will keep you "sane", but it still is something that is like "sneaking around"... I too have a family and an "ex" who would have loved nothing except to take the heat off herself by pointing out my cd'ing, but I never let her find out. It was strange to hear her say in the begining of our relationship that she had dated a guy who cross dressed and she wanted nothing to do with it! I can relate to your situation as well, as Maria has been around and is definately a part of me...

counseling may be the way to go for you, but please try to remember that the therapist can send you down the wrong path as well..be very careful...

if you have a need to chat, just let me know..

Maria

[AmandaM]

I am married 15 years... a long time of suppressing. In answer to one question, my family is worth it. That is why I have stopped. But I cannot keep the urges away.

You might have to crossdress on the sly. I know, it's like you're cheating on her. Other things you can try are a lot of working out, meditation, and trying to redirect your thoughts. Another thing you can do if your crossdressing has a sexual component (fetish), have sex a lot, even, ahem, by yourself. Sometimes, that can relieve the pressure. But, all of this is a lot of work to keep your feelings under control. Try it. If none of it works, you will have to crossdress on the sly, minimum. There is a chance though, with time, she may become less hostile to it, and even begrudgingly accept your "alone time".

[Kelli Michelle]

Wow, that doesn't sound a lot like a marriage worth saving, it sounds more like a hostage situation. "Do what I want you to, or I will destroy you." Yeah, that is a healthy, caring, nurturing person I want to spend the rest of my time with, and want my kids to grow up around. Not. That isn't a wife, that is an extortionist, a mobster, a mugger, a terrorist.

Look, wives deserve honesty, and they deserve consideration, and time to process their feelings, and heaps and tons of compassion and care - but no one, including wives, has the right to try to manipulate and control people either through their unwillingness to (eventually) accept the people they say they love, or by threats of violence.

This is one of those situations where if you (literally) flip the genders it becomes obvious how wrong this is. What if you were a woman coming here telling everyone that your husband won't let you cut your hair and insists that you wear skirts and dresses all the time, tells you that you are sick and need to medication, or he will take the kids, and do everything in his power to destroy you? What would we tell that woman? We would tell her to leave the abusive SOB and we would threaten to show up on his door step with torches and pitchforks.

This is not the behavior of a loving wife. Why you would want to stay in a relationship with a person like that, much less sacrifice in order to stay in a relationship with a person like that escapes me.

You have tried to talk with her about this, and she is unwilling to even talk with you about it, you have given her time and space, but her only response is to deny you the right to be comfortable in your home and express a desire to control your thoughts? This isn't a person who loves you. Rip this bandaid off.




:thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup:::iagree:: iagree::iagree:

[Bridget Fitzgerald]

You don't need help. If you decide to quit, just do it. Ten years now and it's a major hit to my productivity. But it can be done. You will think about it all the time. You may not choose to be a crossdresser, but you choose to crossdress. You have a choice. I still want to so bad, but I made a choice.

[Bridget Fitzgerald]

I just don't know. The only thing I can think of is to invent a poker night at a friends house she doesn't know (alibi) get a motel room and let the inner girl come out.

Ok it is deceiving her a little. But it is keeping your sanity, while keeping your wife and family, until a better solution comes along.

Bad advice. Do not lie to your wife.

[RobynP]

I am married 15 years... a long time of suppressing. In answer to one question, my family is worth it. That is why I have stopped. But I cannot keep the urges away.

I applaud your choice of your family over your desires. You may not see it now but you will be rewarded for your sacrifice.

Of course, it is very difficult to keep the urges away! Has anyone ever said this would be easy? I recommend that if you have not told your wife about your a) your sacrifice and b) your urges, then I would recommend that you tell her even if she doesn't want to hear anything about crossdressing. She SHOULD be pleased that you are actively and consciously putting your family ahead of you.

You need be able to share your urges and desires with your wife in a manner that invites her to recognize that your struggle is not easy. Do not share with the intent that you are trying to make her feel bad, trying to "educate her", or that you are pressuring her to cave in. She should understand that your thoughts and desires are NOT consciously, deliberately generated by you. You just didn't wake up one day and say, "Gee, I think I'll be a crossdresser. I think today I hate my hair on my legs although I really liked it there yesterday..." (I don't know about you but I have thousands of thoughts, desires, and temptations about many different things pound away at me all day and into the night. And I do stress quite a bit at resisting many of them...)

She should be as much a part of this fight as you are. In other words, she needs to be fighting on your side and give you her affirmation and support. If she expects you to go off to a room somewhere, "fix" yourself, and "I don't want to hear anything about it until you are fixed," then you have some major relationship issues that need to be worked out in therapy.

Certainly, it is not her "fault" that you are a crossdresser but that doesn't mean that she shouldn't support you and be actively involved in your struggles no matter what they are...

Robyn P.

[Sarah Doepner]

It sounds to me like your wife is very afraid. It's fear that raises emotions to the level where it seems reasonable to tell someone you've loved for years that you will ruin them. Counseling for you will help you deal with the demands and threats you feel from her. The majority of the people on this site agree that the need to experience our feminine sides won't go away and may even grow stronger as you attempt to suppress it. That suppression effort may even cause you to act in ways that threaten your marriage and home. You need an outlet so you can deal level-headed with the problems you wife brings to the table, and counseling or a support group seem to be the best options.

Eventually you will have to deal with her fears and attempt to find a way to remove or reduce them. We have no way of telling what is driving her fear to this level but until she is confident that this won't ruin what she expects and needs to hold to, you have a difficult relationship to manage. The best argument may be the fact that you have been the same person for as long as she has known you and she made the decision to marry you in the first place. It wasn't a mistake and it may be some of your female qualities that attracted her in the first place.

Good luck to you on this challenge.

[unclejoann]

Hey Jenna
Is it any easier for you today? This is a confusing season, make the kids happy, that helps me. My situation isn't all that different from yours.

Joann

[bridget jones]

As much as I hate to say it cd'ng destroyed my marriage.I have posted that I dream of being with a man but it is fictional I only feel that way when dressed and if the opportunity came to be with a man I seriously doubt it would happen.Needless to say the way she pictured me in her mind I was GAY and it never got beyond that.My marriage ended in a bitter fued and I still miss her but Bridget lives on.

[Alice Torn]

My heart goes out to you, Jenna. I like what Sally said. In some situations, we just have to mentally trick ourselves, such, as mind over matter. Therapists, can be too expensive, for many of us. I just wish the wife would really try compassion, and putting herself, in your heels! I wonder what some wives would say, if we told them, no dressing in pants or jeans? What's good for the goose, is good, for the gander! I face another "impossible" situation, with my family, but, much different, than a marriage situation. It will have to be of the spirit, and mind, to overcome, and stay in this marriage. Regardless of what happens, you will survive, one day at a time.

[DanaR]

.................................................. .........................
Because believe me, Maria would do everything in her power to destroy me. .....................................

Based on this statement alone, your wife has control issues. I think that therapy for both of you would probably be a good idea.

I've always felt that marriage is a mutual agreement and should be based on compromise, not as a one sided situation.

[eluuzion]

You always have options and choices available that may not seem apparent in the mental turmoil of a crisis.

As suggested, taking the time to "step away" and collect your thoughts can be helpful. An hour alone by a stream, in a park or any quiet place outside can do alot for your spirits.

Sometimes a "mechanical approach" (removing emotion and focusing on the "options"), including writing them down works well also. It gives you a sense of "control" in a time when you feel you have none.

There is a "difference" between "counseling and therapy". I would venture to say there is a major difference in how your wife views those terms. You might consider refraining from referring to anything as "therapy" for now. Some think of therapists....as....the-rapists,....which is the same spelling...only a different outlook...lol

If this was another issue of your relationship...just as important...but not specific to CD...how would you feel about your wife's approach to problem solving with her "life partner" ?? This issue will not be the only one in a lifetime partnership, will it??

You have picked the honest approach, which is seldom the easiest choice...usually it is the hardest. But if you follow through with your efforts to resolve this...even if it does not end up successful...you will be glad to look back and know you did every thing you could do to save it.

don't give up

[Paula_56]

Jenna

I went thru this with my wife, and I worked at it fo rmy kids, now at 50, she is loosing up a bit. just take it a day at a time

[NylonMan]

I am a firm believer that ANXIETY plays a huge role in the desire to crossdress. If you go to a doctor and get some anxiety medication, this will definitely lower your urge to crossdress. It does not stop it though. It just make it more manageable. If you stop and think when you have a desire, how are you feeling, are you in a bit of a stressfull situation?

[Tomara]

Hi Jenna
Sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time in your life right now.
My two cents worth would be a therapist , preferably one with gender issue experience for you and maybe in time your wife too.
Good luck.
Tomara

[Nicole Bishop]

Can you handle the truth??

Ditch the wife the family will ultimately understand as life is to short to be on the run all the time. Your freedom awaits you

[DanaR]

.................................................. .., preferably one with gender issue experience for you and maybe in time your wife too.
Good luck.
Tomara

This would be my recommendation as well, if they don't have experience with gender issues, they will be learning on your dime.

Be careful if you or your wife starts seeing a therapist, and then at a later date you try to have them do couples counseling; my wife and I tried that, and her therapist started attaching me. When I asked why, she said that she was protecting her patient (my wife); that was the last time we saw her.

My wife and I talked about her therapist on the drive home and my wife didn't understand why the therapist acted like that either.

[PantyhoseNPumps]

Jenna, it is something that you will never get over, because you can't. Jenna..is who you are, and you can repress all you want, but the denial will haunt you every day of your life. God knows.. I've tried. It's been going on 2 years now, that I've had to keep Crissy repressed...and I cannot any longer. I cannot deny who I really am. My family would never accept that part of me, hence my moving out and away. There are maritial problems for me as well, but I'm taking this opportunity, to get Crissy's like back, and my own. 2 years repressed now, the longest time in my life, and I've felt like I've been under water not breathing the whole time. If I don't take this stand for myself, things much worse may happen to me. If you truly are Jenna, as I truly am Christine, you cannot just turn it off, and be done with it. You will NEVER be done with it. Christine

[Laura_Stephens]

Jenna, I always refrain from telling others how to live their life. In keeping with that effort, I will tell you that I will keep you in my prayers and I hope everything for all members of your family turn out well.

[Vanessa5]

Jenna your story saddens me. My wife has just recently found out about my CD'ing and so far has been OK with it. We are going to therapy after the holidays are over and hopefully she can see that Vanessa is part of who I am. I hope you realize that Jenna is part of you and you can't just switch her off and hope she goes away. I tried with Vanessa and have returned every time. You are in my prayers and thoughts.

[Bridget Fitzgerald]

Can you handle the truth??

Ditch the wife the family will ultimately understand as life is to short to be on the run all the time. Your freedom awaits you

Are you freaking kidding? Boy that's powerful life advice to dole out to someone who outside of the internet is an actual person. The crap posted on trans boards like this fuels my willingness to abstain.