A time to find myself

[Aidana]

I'd like to share my present state with all of you, any comments or questions are more than welcome :)

I'm 24 right now, I've dressed on and off since I was 8. I had come out to some friends and got only indifference from them, nothing positive or negative. It wasn't until I came out to my GF this past July that I got a really negative response. I told her one day before she went to Argentina for a semester (she is currently there), we had decided to split for that time.

I took the time off to explore my femenine side and I started going to therapy. My first experience shopping, I also bought my first dress as I had only owned panties up to that point, I got rid almost completely of the guilt I felt with myself for dressing up. I still talked to her every chance we got, after roughly 2 months I couldn't take that arrangement and we got back together. I stopped dressing in part because my desire lowered and in part because of the guilt I felt towards her.

A week ago I decided to get rid of that guilt and got in the pink fog. My GF noticed that I was acting strange and she thought that I was seeing someone else. I told her what was happening and she couldn't take it so she proposed we take some time off for me to figure out what I wanted out of this. The plot thickens because I've bought my ticket to go visit her in 3 weeks, we come back the same day.

In a week I've done many firsts:

- Went shopping at a Fredericks and asked the assistant for help making it clear I was shopping for me.
- Underdressed for a whole day, and more
- Went shopping for female clothes with a GG friend.
- Shaved my armpits, more to come on the following days.
- Spent some time dressed while in therapy. (I had gone as a nurse for a halloween 5 years ago, but noone had seen me dressed since then).
- Slept in female sleepwear.

Right now I feel that my guilt and excitement have lowered, it's feeling more normal now. I'm enjoying it. I think I'm closer to finding myself.

[jenniferishappy]

you are doing things responsibly and this is the time time in life to really take the time to allow yourself to understand what is going on. there is a lot of information on this site, especially in the archives. i have found there are several issues that cause endless strife, the main one being GG SO's rejecting the CD'ing . i made two posts in the last day about just that. it is the most serious issue i keep seeing. if this does not work out with your current GF take some time. i am leaning toward the idea that we CD'ers may be well suited to partnering up with a bisexual GG who is in a good place, accepts you and is not promiscuous if you are looking for a LTR. perhaps this could avoid the push/pull that goes on with what seems to be nearly all conventional female wives of CD'ers. this roller coaster theme seems to go on for as long as CD'ers remain married to conventional wives, many times even when it was on the table from the beginning . this would be worth avoiding even if it means a loooong time finding the right one. you have the luxury of time on your side. use it to your advantage. some people say 'youth is wasted on the young'. the very fact you are here posing that question says you do not fit into this category. i truly wish you all the best with this.
and okay, where can i get a pair, or three, of those panties in your avatar?? what character is that... cute overload!!!

[Fab Karen]

Some latinas deeply believe in the old ways of the culture, that "men are men & women are women, and never the two shall meet."

[MissKara]

Good going Girl :hugs:

I know what it can be like to have you GG SO rejecting your life choices. I had a similar problem with my ex girlfriend.

My only advice to you is to do what you think is right, and don't try to change yourself for the sake of another person. You'll end up regretting it and you'll cause yourself just more pain.

:love: We all love you

Lots of Love,
Miss Karla

[Aidana]

Thanks to all of you, I think it's great that I am finally taking the chance to let this side of my express itself and that I can talk to other people on this board.

Karen, that seems to be the case. She has even said that she likes that there are differences on gender roles meaning that she likes it when I open her door to get in the car, carry her backpack and "treat her like a lady". This works great when I'm not feeling girly as I'm a gentleman but, as you said, customs is what's keeping her from tolerating my CDing, not religion as the case for many other latinas.

Jennifer, I know it's the responsible thing to do, but it doesn't feel right at this moment. A bisexual GG might be the best bet, I am looking for a LTR but I'm not thinking about other people as relationship prospects yet, I gotta figure out things with my GF first.

It's strange but sometimes I don't feel the desire to dressup but I'm still doing it because I have this time to explore and I don't want to waste it.

Regarding my avatar, that's not my rear :o. I also think they are adorable! I don't know where you can get them, I found them on a random site, my hard drive crashed and lost it for a while thankfully a friend of mine had a copy (albeit the smaller, cropped version you see in my avatar) because I searched and searched the internet for those cute pink kitten panties but couldn't find them again.

[jenniferishappy]

hi aidana,
i am not suggesting you abandon making it try to work with your current GF, you should. but if this should not work out, it seems like the bisexual GF may be a good thing to try. just a thought i have been having, seems to make sense.:)

[sherri52]

Aidana: I think you are finding your inner self. I hope your GF has a chance to understand it.

[Aidana]

Well, yesterday I started shaving my body, did about 70%.

I'm planning on finishing today if the cold goes away for a while. The more I'm doing the dressing up and wearing feminine clothes the less excitement I feel, I'm starting to feel pretty weird, anyone have this feeling after a while?

The more I feel this way, the more I think I will be able to make things work witht he GF, even with the shaved body. But I'm scared that if I do, the desire to dress up will come back even stronger as it was the case for most, if not all, CDs in a commited relationship.

[Aidana]

Well, a lot has happened since I last wrote on this thread.

Firstly, I shaved my whole body and continued to dress up as much as I could. I felt a little more adventurous during this time as I was more extroverted even when outside and underdressing. I did have some rough times with the GF but I decided to go ahead with the plan to go visit her in Argentina for the last 2 weeks she would be there. I had a much better idea of what I wanted after this time dressing up, I now know I don't want to transition, don't even want to do it for long periods of time, it's just something I enjoy to do (sometimes a little bit too much).

Because of this I decided to commit myself to not dress anymore with the condition that I would be able to tell her about my desire to do so everytime it hit me. It wasn't my ideal agreement but I thought I could follow through with it and maybe it would change with time.

I got there not knowing what to expect, we were on good terms but the first minute was going to be crucial to everything else. Fortunately, it was great. The next couple of days were amazing but then she asked me about my desires to dress, after a little bit of talking she asked me to show her what I did when I dressed, I was scared as hell, but I did put on her clothes and told her "This is my limit". After that a big sigh of relief, she told me she wans't scared anymore and told me I could sleep in her dress if I wanted, I did.

On new years eve, she asked me to dress up as she was kinda into it now (this transition from fear to desire is something I've yet to understand). We came back to our city and she has asked me to dress up once more and she tells me she enjoys it now. I did it for her as that day I didn't feel specially femenine, and I did feel kinda strange because of the request I'm super psyched that she accepts this side of me.

My desire to dress up has dimished since then, but I still look at youtube videos and fictionmania from time to time.

I'm happy with my current CD and relationship status.

[ReineD]

Congratulations, Aidana! :hugs: I was all set to agree with your gf and suggest you should take all the time you need to figure out what you want, when I noticed how long ago you began the thread. And then I saw your more recent post. :)

You've no doubt read in this forum a gadzillion times that communication is key. Your gf got over her initial fear of what she thought the CDing might mean, and after seeing you dressed and realizing that you still want to be with her, she now feels confident that she won't lose you to it.

But believe me, this level of stability won't last. :) Your desires will ebb and flow, you'll want to expand and you will want to cross the next threshold ... whether it is piercing your ears, or more body shaving, wearing nighties to bead each night, or permanent facial hair removal, expanding your wardrobe and doing more and more things in the mainstream dressed, etc. And each time you do something new, your gf will wonder where it is all leading. Remember, she does not live inside you so she cannot possibly come close to understanding what drives you to want to be femme and how much your identity ebbs and flows with your male and female selves.

My goal in telling you this is not to be alarmist, but to caution you both to keep the communication alive as much as possible. Regular, garden variety CDs go through much of what I've described above without necessarily feeling they want to transition. The expansion is necessary for your gal side to catch up with your guy side and for you to experience a more multi-faceted existance than just sitting at home dressed. The sooner your gf realizes that Aidana also needs to walk among mortals and have a social life (as much as society will permit it), the better. You want to make sure you are clear with yourself about your goals, and discuss them with your gf, so that she won't be surprised and afraid each time you want to experience something new.

Be prepared that your gf's acceptance will also ebb and flow as she struggles to keep pace with you and remember that she does not have your advantage of knowing what your intentions are. Do encourage her to join this forum and become a member of FAB, where she will meet other GGs who've gone through all of this.

:love:

EDIT I forgot to add that eventually you will have gotten as far as you wish to (unless you're TS, which is another topic), and everything will stabilize. The skies will clear, both you and your gf will be all caught up and on the same page, and the universe will smile again. :)

[kimdl93]

this is a good thread for individuals first coping with relationships. It illustrates that both the individual and his/her SO can evolve in thier understanding, acceptance and enjoyment of dressing.