When NOT To Tell Your Significant Other

[windycissy]

I have been struck by the number of threads concerning whether, or how, a guy should tell his wife or girlfriend that he likes to dress up in women's clothing.

Crossdressers who have supporting wives or girlfriends are the luckiest guys on the planet, but for many of us, there is very good reason NOT to go there. Try to put yourself in the woman's position: since the day she met you, she's had a romanticized image of you as her knight in shining armor. Then one day you tell her that you want to dress up in her clothes. What if she said to you, "Honey, I've decided to shave my head and join a motorcycle gang." Wouldn't you freak out? Wouldn't it destroy your image of her, and shatter your own self-esteem as her man?

I for one find it exciting to be the only person in the world who knows this incredible secret about myself. No doubt many of you will disagree with me, but remember this: once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's impossible to put it back in. So I would never advise a casual acquaintance to share this aspect of his life. Ask Windy (http://snurl.com/askwindy)

[Julie]

Windy,

As one who has just recently had to deal with the entire family knowing (wife and kids) I have found it to be one of the toughest things I have had to go through. The storm must be weathered now and I believe there will be a calm again but I have no idea how long and hard the storm will blow.

Some people can keep a secret without it ever bothering them. Others can't, it eats them alive. You have to decide which is best for you. Weigh the possible consequences of opening up to someone against what you already know about keeping it to yourself. Everyone is different but if you give careful consideration to your decisions the result should be more satisfactory.

One thing I can tell you is I no longer have the fear of discovery I once had. The cat's out of the bag and I can sit here and type this without fear of someone coming in and seeing the top of the page where it days in big bold letters "CROSSDRESSER". That's just one example of the benefit from opening yourself up to your loved ones.

[kristi cd]

I know for me at least that if I tried to keep it a secret, I know I'd get caught :rolleyes:, so as long as you tell her before you're married or in any serious relationship really (the only way to do it IMHO) she can still decide what she wants to do to make her happy w/o the headaches of other family/friends you didn't want knowing know, family (kids) issues, or even diviorce if it went that far. Plus for me I wouldn't want to keep such a big and sometimes difficult part of my life from the one I've shared everything else with and would hope has done the same for me. Don't know if I'm just rambling again or maybe being somewhat objective. :D

[Bernadina]

I don't belive that keeping it secret from a girl friend makes any sense at all. After all she may become a wife and its a lot better to find out up front how she is going to react. Besides the first time I brought a girl friend home she was bound to ask why I had closets full of womens clothes.

I told my wife early in our relationship while dating. Maybe I was lucky or something, but it was fine.

Now we share clothes, makeup, jewelry. She goes out with me when I'm dressed. We shop together etc.

There are lot of women out there who are understanding and supportive if given a chance.

And besides, she may also have a secret she's afraid to tell you about.

[ChristineRenee]

I agree with Dina. I just don't see where keeping a secret of this magnitude from your wife or SO is beneficial. When it finally comes out...and eventually, it's going to come out...dealing with the emotional pain and broken trust is going to be that much harder. A woman who may even have been willing to accept this had she been told upfront is going to be devastated by this revelation when confronted with it after the fact. I told my wife to be before we even got engaged, and after 10 years of marriage there are still issues about this that we deal with on an on-going basis. I can't even fathom what it would have been like to not tell her before hand and have her either discover it after we were married...and she has already made that commitment to you...or having to tell her because of fear of discovery or just being tired of keeping it a secret from her.

My advice...if you care...really and truly care about your wife or SO and your long term relationship with her...you tell her upfront. You don't keep this kind of information...and especially after a commitment to you has been already made...from someone you truly love, respect and care about.

Just my opinion of course, but I believe it is sound advice.


Christine

[Shy Charlotte]

It's true that many people find it easier to keep this a secret rather than open one's self up to the possible negatives of "outing". Many factors have to be taken into consideration (lost one girlfriend to CDing, have a current g/f who is supportive of my CDing, and had a middle g/f who had no idea).

The fact of the matter is that for some of us, the urge is stronger than for others. Especially for those of us that are occasional CD's, and have significant others that are perfect in every way except for understanding when it comes to issues like this, then it may be best to keep it under wraps. That's why it's good to have a decent support base, since there are things that you can tell your wife, and sometimes there are things that you can't. I think that's part of the reason that bartenders can keep in business.

Then there are those of us who have rather open minded SO's, or for whom the female aspect of our personas represents a larger portion of our overall self. In these situations, it is pertinent to tell the SO, especially if the relationship turns serious, or in a marriage. Unfortunately the longer the marriage goes on without the issue is brought up, the harder it is to tell. And this is particularly complicated if crossdressing suddenly emerges after years of marriage.

So in short, it is a matter of circumstance. For those who feel crossdressing is an itch that needs to be scratched occasionally, then it might not be necessary to tell, unless you're the type that just can't keep a secret (in which case, the CIA probably won't hire you either). Then for those who feel that the female half truly is at least half of their personality, then it would be best to get it out, since it will come out eventually, so best to do it under your own terms.

Well, just my perspective (I'm still on the young side of the board, so this is just a view untempered by alot of life-experience)

[Julie]

When my son found out (he's 18 - a bad age for discovery) my wife went to his side and left me out in the cold. She acted like this was all new to her and she had been mislead even though she was told before we were engaged. I asked her later if I had been able to keep this a total secret and had a second life where I could be Julie, would she have preferred that to what our reality is now. She said as long as she and the kids never knew she felt that was the better choice.

Naturally this blew me away. I always beleived in total honesty in a marriage. We should be sharing everything. I could never live a life like that, it's just not within my personality to do that. But when my wife felt secrecy regarding my transgendered personality was preferable to disclosure I was really shocked.

The biggest problem I see is how others perceive CD/TG definitions to be. Do they stereotype you as a gay male trying to pick up men? Do they stereotype you as a transsexual working towards transitioning? Are they open minded about learning what it really is or will they be stubborn and insist they know all they want to and hold on to a stereotype that the uneducated public taught them?

One of the biggest obstacles I have encountered is getting my wife and kids to understand just where I am in this whole thing. My wife refuses to let go of the possibility that I will some day say to her "I want to become a woman". No matter how many times I tell her to the contrary she tells me I just can't say that for sure. She won't let go. My son believes that I must be gay even though I have never even thought about men outside the realm of friendship. How can you defend yourself against the indefensible? It would be like saying "Dad, I know you are a mob hit man". That is something that can be proven if it's true but how can it be disproven if untrue? Do you have to have someone follow you around 24/7 until the accuser is satisfied you are not what they think you are? That's what I mean about defending yourself against the indefensible.

I have always hated being accused of doing something I didn't do and I hate equally being labeled as something I am not. American society holds on tightly to gender stereotypes. They cannot and will not accept any other variation. Men being men and women being women is too important to them. I would say it stems from an insecurity. Regardless, it's deeply ingrained in our society and when you are fighting these stereotypes you had better be prepared to do battle for the long haul.

So even though honesty is the best policy we all need to understand what we are getting ourselves into before we come out. I still believe in coming out wholeheartedly, I just think being prepared is equally important. Not everyone has a pleasant experience when they do.

[Amelie]

After reading more posts on coming out I can understand why some of you keep it a secret. Some girls here got married a few years ago, where it would have been very difficult to come out. I feel sorry for you it must be painful. For me I feel lucky, My parents know about my dressing, but I don't flaunt it around them, and respect they're wishes. The rest of my family, Brothers, sisters, ect. they can all jump in the lake, I don't get along with any of them. Christmas time is fun here. My friends are but a few and all accept what I am. I wouldn't have friends that were phobic in any way. I couldn't be around people who hated others or hated someone because of the way he or she dresses. I can understand the girls here in fear of telling they're wives but if friends don't accept you then they can piss-off. I sometimes think I grew up in a different culture than some of you. All my life I was with people than society frowned upon. In all my life I never Experieced what I call typical suburban, one wife two car garage lifestyle. I think living and learning from the urban decay of the city was helpful for who I am today.



I had seen my becoming a woman in two lights,
The first light was simply enchantment,
The other light was my wish for self destruction
V-2

[nicola_j]

I posted this in another thread, but I think that it is very appropriate to this thread:

"I crossdress mainly for the sexual thrill of it and don't want to dress as a woman outside of that realm. When I started as a child, I used to wear my sister's swimsuits and found it a turn on which was heightened by the fact that I knew it was wrong (or at least perceived to be wrong by society which as a child is really the same thing). As an adult the reasons I cross dress are the same - the sexual thrill which is heightened by the fact that I may get caught. I did tell my girlfriend that I enjoyed wearing women's lingerie once and she wasn't impressed and said she had no desire to see me dressed, but it didn't really effect our relationship. Now we don't talk about it as there would be no point, it wouldn't achieve anything. That is not to say that she isn't understanding and supportive of me as a person - she is. For me crossdressing is a fetish/fantasy and I think in a relationship you have to decided which fetishes and fantasies you reveal to you wife/girlfriend and which you keep to yourslef. Some are probably best left as just that - fantasies, especially if they would have a negative impact on your relationship."

[Jennifer_Ph]

I don't keep any secrets from my wife. None. I can't. I always want her to be on the same page as me - to understand me. And me her. Something as big as Jennifer would be difficult to hide - and I would feel very guilty for doing so. My wife and Jennifer know each other, but my wife likes Mike much more. So that's how I do it - I give her all the Mike she needs. I would just feel horrible if she found out I was hiding and lying to her about it for years - because when she discovered it she would wonder why I couldn't talk to her about it, and that would begin the questionning of our whole foundation and relationship. I don't believe in marital secrets - they never lead to anything good.

[windycissy]

This has been very enlightening for me. It's so easy to give advice in Ask Windy Cissy (http://snurl.com/askwindy) about clothes and makeup, and so difficult to deal with the real-life consequences of a decision to come out, especially when a person you love might be shattered by the revelation. That's why I could never advise someone to come out without knowing them and their significant other intimately...Windy