Just trying to figure myself out

[Bailey_in_Mansfield]

Hi all, I'm new here but not a new CD... I'd really like to just vent for a minute and see if anyone has some thoughts, because my confusion is getting frustrating. I feel like a walking contradiction.

I am a 26 year old guy, and have been cross dressing on and off since I was about 12 or 13. My parents found out a couple of times and I got in HUGE trouble back then. Thanks to this lousy economy I've been forced to move back in with my parents last year, and about a month ago my dad found one of my bras in my room. He agreed not to tell my mother, if only because he knew the whole house would turn into a hell-hole for everyone if she found out. So he knows I still struggle with this and while he's not accepting of this part of me, he at least keeps it secret, which is fine.

I say struggle because it IS a struggle for me. I can't seem to either 100% shake it or 100% accept it in myself. As I said, I feel like a contradiction. I am a Christian, not the Bible-thumping "you're goin to hell" type but the less rigid, more understanding kind, ya know? I do think homosexuality is wrong, but I'm in no place to judge anyone on that... I obviously have my own issues to deal with. No human is in a position to pass judgment on others in that way, so I choose to be accepting. I also am a political conservative... A Tea Party attendee and organizer... Not exactly the political side that's known for acceptance of sexual quirks. I am attracted to women too. (And here in the heart of Texas, when you see all these Texas ladies, it's hard NOT to be! :D )

And yet, I have felt for a long time this desire to wear panties instead of boxers/briefs... I have gone out in full CD regalia once or twice... Once was for Halloween 2008 when I went to work as Sarah Palin to win a $100 bet. Heels, wig, makeup, hose, the whole bit. Sat in my secretary's bathroom at her home while she and her teenage daughter worked for like an hour and a half getting my makeup and hair done, and got a crash course on walking in heels. (And there were several crashes, haha!) But that experience also taught me that by and large, full cross dressing isn't exactly my "thing." I wear panties every day, and sometimes a bra with forms when I'm alone. In my CDing "desires," I guess you'd call them, I want to be FEMALE, not man-in-a-dress. Even an SRS procedure wouldn't do the trick for me because I don't think it would make me feel "authentic." I want every part of the female experience, growing up as a girl and all that. Which, obviously, is quite impossible. Yet I'm attracted to women. I don't get myself.

I confided a lot of this to a very close friend once. He asked if I was gay. I told him no, it's almost like I'm...more of a super-straight. Like I'm so attracted to women that I'd almost rather just BE one than deal with the stress of relationships with them. Does that make sense? When I see a gorgeous woman, I fantasize about having sex with her as many straight men do, but in the middle of it I also fantasize about BEING her.

I have read through a lot of posts on this forum and not seen anyone at all who seems like me, so I feel like I'm abnormal even for a CDer. I also went through the first page of the anonymous GGs thread, and was quite sobered by what I saw. I had thought maybe I just need to find a woman who can accept these perceived "contradictions" in me, as difficult as that may be. But reading that thread, it made me realize that for women, even just the simple acceptance of these quirks we men sometimes have is a BIG deal. Or more accurately, that it's not simple at all for them. There's no instruction book for stuff like this. Just as we men might be confused about our own thoughts and behaviors, it's understandable that women's reactions would be, "what the hell are we supposed to think?!"

I also confided this to an associate pastor whom I've known for over a decade, half expecting his reaction to be telling me to purge my stuff right away. That's what I expected, but what I WANTED him to say was that maybe I was making too big a deal out of it and that I shouldn't exert my energy over it... That if God made me this way then I should accept it, and if I was sinning to trust Him to forgive me. That's what I wanted to hear, but didn't expect him to say it. Well, he did. Strangely, though, it just confused me even more.

Maybe I should just stop my rambling and chill before I make everyone's heads explode. :) Uhhh.....thoughts? :-/

[Kathi Lake]

Bailey,

There are plenty of people here that are similar - I count myself as one of them. We mesh wonderfully in everything you said - except the politics part. :)

I agree with much of your post, and look forward to getting to know you better.

Kathi

[Stephenie S]

The more time you spend here the more you will realize that there is a huge variety of people here. Thinking you don't fit in is kinda silly. You will find many others with similar feelings.

Your pastor was right. God made you just the way you are, and God doesn't make mistakes. Think of yourself as one more tool in God's toolbox to help others realize what a wonderful diversity of people we have here on earth.

Stephenie

[DiannaRose]

Bailey, there is no "correct" way to be a crossdresser. There are as many takes on the subject as there are men in panties/dresses/bras/tights/heels/whatevers! :)

As for being a Christian, why should crossdressing be exclusive of that? Look at the tag under my name to the left there. "Christian Crossdresser". I figured out some time ago that I AM both at once, whatever the church or society has to say about it. God is my judge, no-one else. And I'll tell you, I'm only here today because of Him. He wants me here.

Yes, some "christians" say what we do is wrong, we're going to Hell. To them I say...how do you know? They'll quote bible, they'll quote their particular church's doctrine, they'll say what we do is a choice and it's wrong.

I didn't make a choice at 5 years old to want to be a girl. What 5-year-old makes that choice? No, it's how I was made. And only God will judge me. I figure, if I've tried my best to reflect a little of His light in this world, He'll forgive me for any mistakes I've made.

Embrace yourself, whoever you are. Accept yourself. Love yourself. Sure, this can be a struggle sometimes. So can life. :)

If you want to talk more, once you hit your ten posts you can private message me. I promise to answer every question, even if sometimes the answer is "I don't know". :)

[Andy66]

Maybe one day you will see that you are a wonderfully unique individual (as we all are), and "normal" is an illusion. Be patient and kind to yourself. :)

[docrobbysherry]

I'm an over 60 CD. I'm STILL trying to figure MYSELF out, let alone u!:brolleyes:
I think you'll need to do THAT on your own. Which brings me to the BEST advice I have for u:

GET OUT OF THERE! Once you're on your own, u can be WHO U REALLY R! Good, bad or, WHATEVER!:devil:

As far as being involved with your FEM alter ego, there's LOTS of us here with THAT problem!:eek:

Sherry is CONSTANTLY getting in the way of my GG dates!:Angry3: And they don't even KNOW about her!:heehee:

[Taylermade]

Yep we all have certain things we experience and face.
Glad to know I am not the only one with those simliar issues.

But hey at least you are not like me and trying to figure out the "men thing".
Because I enjoy the part of being treated as a "girl", that means I love meeting and going out with guys.

ta-ta

[Faith_G]

Bailey, if there is an MCC church in your area, please go and talk to one of the pastoral staff there. Or just telephone and tell them what you are struggling with. http://www.mccchurch.org/AM/Template.cfm?Section=Home

In church as a kid I was taught to believe that homosexuals were all child molesters out to corrupt young boys. Sounds like you have been exposed to similar toxic religion. You need to see what the Bible really teaches about homosexuality.

You don't say in your post if the act of crossdressing turns you on. Is that the case?

Would you rather be a woman than a man?

[DinaMature]

Just to echo the others in welcoming you here...


Speaking for myself, I was nearly 50 years old before I came to grips that I am a crossdresser; that there is a feminine part of me that has sought expression for years, but that I kept very hidden- even from myself.

Wanting to be with a woman and at the same time wanting to be the woman? I can completely relate.

I love women so much, at time I want to be one.

As for the spirituality you've grown up with, possibly creating a contradiction within your mind... Go with your heart and acknowledge that those who've "preached n teached" to you all these years are mere mortals. They have no more surety of what God intentions are than anyone else.

[aggi123]

I used to pray for forgiveness back when I was a christian. Crossdressing didn't lead me away from christianity, but there was one thing that made me accept being a christian and a crossdresser at the same time. Why is crossdressing a sin? It's just clothes. I hope you figure some things out :)

[Alice Torn]

Your plight sounds similar, to mine. I may even have to go live with my dad, at 55! I never found a right girl, either, have conflict over Bible, and cding. Living with parents means little or no dressing! Whoever said it was easy? I'd like to talk to that guy, or gal. Sadly, women have no conflict or stigma, about wearing any kind of clothes, but society condemns males cding. Oh, how i wish i was in Texas, where women are belles, instead of Tacoma Wa.

[Brooke Ashley]

First off, welcome. Secondly, i am very much like you. I am a Christian and conservative in politics, although I am Republican haha.
In my CDing "desires," I guess you'd call them, I want to be FEMALE, not man-in-a-dress.
This also describes me. I love wearing panties, bras, and just dressing in girls clothes all together. But i want to be a girl, not just a man-in-a-dress as you stated. So yes you are not alone here :).

[Bailey_in_Mansfield]

Wow! I'm not used to a CD forum with tons of activity! I'm used to the other sites where it's you know, one or two posts a DAY across the whole forum. Uhh, let me go through and reply to the above...


Your pastor was right. God made you just the way you are, and God doesn't make mistakes. Think of yourself as one more tool in God's toolbox to help others realize what a wonderful diversity of people we have here on earth.

True. A lot of that conflict for me comes from...I can't remember which book of the Bible but it's one of the first five or so, where it very plainly says, "Women, do not adorn yourselves with men's clothing, and men, likewise with women's clothing." When I mentioned this to my pastor, he said, "so it uses the word 'adorn.' Doesn't that mean the outside? If you're just wearing the underwear then I don't see the problem." I know there are plenty of "head-to-toe" cross dressers here, but in my case I usually just wear bras and panties under my male clothes out in public...partly because I have a local reputation to keep, and partly because no amount of makeover could make me even close to passing! LOL. Anyway, I get what he was saying, but I don't want to be just making excuses for myself. At any rate, yeah...he was right, I think, to tell me to just trust God to forgive me if I am making a mistake.


God is my judge, no-one else.

Amen to that!


I didn't make a choice at 5 years old to want to be a girl. What 5-year-old makes that choice? No, it's how I was made. And only God will judge me. I figure, if I've tried my best to reflect a little of His light in this world, He'll forgive me for any mistakes I've made.

Holy crap, that reminded me of something I forgot to mention in the first post. At 7 years old I had a similar experience. Except, I was an only child and at 7 I still had never seen a girl naked. Obviously hadn't hit puberty yet either. So I had ZERO clue of the physical differences between male and female. But still I remember saying to a close friend around that time that I felt "like a girl trapped in a boy's body," even though I didn't know what that meant. The only explanation I CAN think of is that I was made that way.

Besides that, I think yours might be the most welcoming and comforting message I've seen here! Thanks so much for that. :)


GET OUT OF THERE! Once you're on your own, u can be WHO U REALLY R! Good, bad or, WHATEVER!:devil:

Believe me, I'm working on that. Thankfully, though, I got a phone call about an hour ago informing me that I'll be getting a very big promotion and my pay will more than double...almost triple... So maybe I can get out of here before too long. :)


But hey at least you are not like me and trying to figure out the "men thing".
Because I enjoy the part of being treated as a "girl", that means I love meeting and going out with guys.

Well I like being treated as a girl by other girls at least. But I hate socializing with guys no matter how I approach it. It's weird, I AM one and yet I just don't get em.


You don't say in your post if the act of crossdressing turns you on. Is that the case?

Would you rather be a woman than a man?

It used to. I purged a couple years ago and went back to wearing just plain ol boxers and briefs, and I was okay with it for awhile, not really thinking about it during the day until a tennis match against my boss on a day off. "It" was distracting me, flopping around in the boxers, and made me really suck at the game. The next week that we played, I wore briefs, but somehow the damn thing kept coming out of the hole. So I finally broke down and bought one pair of panties, promising myself I'd only wear them for tennis matches so I could avoid being distracted. Well, we all can guess how that turned out! :)

As for whether I'd rather be a woman or a man... I think I'd choose woman. If it was F.A.B., I'd willingly take the risks all women face rather than go through life as I am. Women do face great risks, sadly...but when their lives are good, they're AWESOME. I guess I'd just look at it as experiences that are more abundant... higher emotional highs and lower lows.


women have no conflict or stigma, about wearing any kind of clothes, but society condemns males cding. Oh, how i wish i was in Texas, where women are belles, instead of Tacoma Wa.

And that's some of the highs illustrated there, LOL.

Trust me, there are ugly ones in Texas too, Louise. -_- But yes, we've got some lookers too. :) Texans make good-lookin babies! Must be something in the water. :)


First off, welcome. Secondly, i am very much like you. I am a Christian and conservative in politics, although I am Republican haha.
This also describes me. I love wearing panties, bras, and just dressing in girls clothes all together. But i want to be a girl, not just a man-in-a-dress as you stated. So yes you are not alone here :).

Yes, I'm a Republican as well. Just wanted to convey the "conservative" part more strongly. :)

[KandisTX]

Bailey,

Yes, you are correct in stating "where it very plainly says, "Women, do not adorn yourselves with men's clothing, and men, likewise with women's clothing." However, in Deuteronomy, it states that man should not eat the meat of beasts with a cloven hoof. That would mean that Pork is not acceptable to eat, and personally I love me some pork chops. ;)

Seriously, Your God is your only judge and that is whom you will have to answer to when you stand before his Throne and await your judgement.

Crossdressing a sin? I doubt that, but then again if you were to attempt to live in accordance with every aspect of the law the Bible sets forth, the only ones living that way are the Jewish people since they remember to keep the food they intake kosher.

As to the politics side of things, I look at myself as being a Liberal Conservative or Conservatively Liberal. You see, we cannot be strict conservatives because they tend to frown on alternative lifestyles, but we cannot be entirely liberal because I refuse to give up my guns. ;)

I do hope you can find the answers you seek, and finally are able to determine where you fit in within our realm of this world.

Kandis:love::rose2:

[dilane]

Hi,

Many of the same thoughts were swirling around in my head when I was younger. I learned to accept myself. I know I'm much different than the typical XY stereotype, but I don't feel weird or uncomfortable about it at all.

In my 20's I found (and still have) a woman who is accepting of my dual nature and my decision to keep things part-time for many reasons.

I go out at least one day a week, and socialize in femme mode and have made many friends and acquaintances. (I like to present fully femme when it's Diane time). It gets more enjoyable when you learn to walk the walk and talk the talk :).

I'm also Christian, also Conservative economically, but generally libertarian socially.

In my experience, women who have some bi tendencies are much more likely to be accepting of their man being some flavor of T-ness. You really can find one of them who's a match for you.

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat after you get your 10 posts in.

[TonyaV]

Bailey, as you're finding out, you're not alone at all in the way you feel. Many of us have experienced very similar feelings and scenarios just like yours. I personally have come to accept Tonya and I don't fight her off anymore. I am almost 50.

By the way, I am Catholic and also Conservative.

:hugs:

[Bailey_in_Mansfield]

I refuse to give up my guns. ;)

Why do I get the feeling you'll be buying Lynyrd Skynyrd's new CD, "God And Guns" when it comes out? :D :D :D :D :D


I go out at least one day a week, and socialize in femme mode and have made many friends and acquaintances. (I like to present fully femme when it's Diane time). It gets more enjoyable when you learn to walk the walk and talk the talk :).

That's. Freaking. AWESOME. I wish I could do that. But besides that I seem to be able to grow a beard in a couple hours, I also have asthma which, with millions of coughs over the years, has shredded my vocal cords too much to control my pitch and talk en femme. Talking en femme is a lot like singing, in terms of controlling the pitch...and I've had voice lessons for singing... I just can't do it. :( Instead I just content myself by portraying myself as a GG in my guild on WoW, helping them to dispel the stereotype that girls don't game. :P

EDIT: 10 posts! Weeeeeeee!

[Brooke Ashley]

Instead I just content myself by portraying myself as a GG in my guild on WoW, helping them to dispel the stereotype that girls don't game. :P


Ok i saw WoW and was like woo hoo! I am a fellow gamer, what do you play???

[6Jenni9]

Bailey, I think we were seperated at birth!

Everything you said in your OP hit the nail right on the head for me, including the Tea Party! Wow, and I thought I was alone...

[MissKara]

Hey Bailey!

Like most of the people above, I can agree that we have all had those things going through our minds aswell.

Before Kara, I was a Christian. Since Kara has surfaced I dont really know how to feel either. The bible verse you were thinking of was Deuteronomy 22:5:



The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God.


I feel your pastor is right with his interpritation. For me it holds little comfort though. Recentally I have pulled away from the church because it hasnt felt right :(

I hope you can find help here :) We are all here for you :hugs:

Lots of Love,
Miss Kara

[Kerigirl2009]

Well Hello bailey and welcome. I fimd the more that I come here the more I learn about myself. Some of the posts just make you think. I think about all of the things that I have in common with the other girls and sometimes it freaks me out because I see where they are now and where they once where and other times I feel content and peaceful because I know I am not alone in all of this. Good luck to you and hope to chat sometime. :)

[Bailey_in_Mansfield]

Ok i saw WoW and was like woo hoo! I am a fellow gamer, what do you play???

I play WoW on Uldum server, Horde side. Ironically the character I play is a male because I'm a Tauren druid, and I just simply refuse to play a female cow....LMAO.... So yeah, the character is a male but I tell the guild I'm a girl...etc. Character's name is Forsena, btw. Look me up. We're gearing up to raid the Frozen Throne...which just came out today, by the way. Woohoo!

I play mostly RPGs though. Whenever WoW pisses me off, I go over to City Of Heroes where I have some cute superheroines. ^_^ Final Fantasy games too, and Dragon Age. See, that's where I'm definitely more guyish...but I'd take a day of shopping over watching football with "the guys" any day.


Bailey, I think we were seperated at birth!

Everything you said in your OP hit the nail right on the head for me, including the Tea Party! Wow, and I thought I was alone...

Palin 2012? ;) :D

I've listened to Rush Limbaugh since I was 9... No one "got me into it" or anything... It was when he had his TV show, and I happened to be up too late and caught the show one night. I thought he was funny and entertaining, so I asked my parents for permission to stay up and watch it regularly. Over time, I started getting it. Now I'm the "go to guy" at work and with my family when they want some political insight. In fact, at work, they now call me Rush. :P I sometimes call some of the predictions even before he does. Anyway, just thought I'd share that to give a little insight about me, since I have a fellow Tea Partier here. :)

[rentonsusanna]

Your story is so interesting to me because I can imagine feeling the way you do. Like you, I find myself envying women for their beauty and (what I suppose is) their emotional freedom. I think in a lot of ways I'm just trying to capture some of that for myself.
My CDing is strictly private and just limited to clothes. It used to be just lingerie, but lately I'm strongly attracted to dresses, sweaters and boots. I used to be afraid to shop but now I just do it -- no one cares! Part of the reason this "hobby" has been on the upswing is that I am recovering from an accident that left me with significant pain, and I find that shopping and dressing helps me forget it for a while.
My guess is that I'll give this up pretty soon, at least for a time. I don't really like having a secret that I could never share (except anonymously, as here). If you can live with that, or can find a way out of the closet, then I will be very happy for you (politics notwithstanding!).

[Brooke Ashley]

I play WoW on Uldum server, Horde side. Ironically the character I play is a male because I'm a Tauren druid, and I just simply refuse to play a female cow....LMAO.... So yeah, the character is a male but I tell the guild I'm a girl...etc. Character's name is Forsena, btw. Look me up. We're gearing up to raid the Frozen Throne...which just came out today, by the way. Woohoo!


Sweet, i play on Drak'Tharon. I am also a Taruen druid(Negreon), unfortunately male cow as well haha, i feel you on not playing female cow. I play Balance spec, which do you play? And yes i am having problems downloading the patch right now so i cant get on :(. But i also have a Orc Shaman lvl 80 and very geared like my druid. I guess i play too much haha.

[Vicki-Z]

Hi Bailey, first I want to say :welcom:

Always remember you are never alone. You have many "sisters" here on this forum, and many of them like myself who are very similiar to you. One thing I have learned here is there are a lot of caring people in this group. So sit back, relax and enjoy yourself.

I am also a Christian and have always been worried about what God would think about me. In particular Deuteronomy 22:5 (King James Version) "The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God."

But the more I thought about it the more at ease I became. Remember back in the days when this was written everyone man and women wore robes (very much like dresses). Pants were unheard of. Look at women clothes now. Ever women today wears what used to be considered only men clothes 30 to 40 years ago. Back then it would be unheard of to wear jeans or pants that zipped up in the front instead of the side like women's slacks. A lot of women tops look more like mens not to mention even underwear looking like jockey briefs. Who dictated these styles? I didn't see an amendment in my bible saying that God has change his mine on what clothes a man or a woman should wear. No, fashion designers dictate the styles not God, I'm sure He has more important things to take care of. Nor, did I see where He gave the power to decide to the fashion designers. If we go by this scripture than every man and women would be an "abomination" in his eyes.

Then there are people like you and me who as far back as we can remember always wanted to be a girl. I feel I have gender identity disorder and it is very possible that my mother took the drug DES when she was pregnant with me that might possibly help account for the way I feel. Not to mention pollution, medications, timing of the release of hormones to the brain to set the male gender map, etc. God says he knew us in our mother's womb Psalm 139:13 (Today's New International Version) "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." If God created us in his image and knew us in our mothers womb than how can we be a mistake. He doesn't make mistakes.

Many churches also preach that we live under the new testament laws and not the old testament laws. I'm sure if it was a really big deal for God he would of had Jesus preach about it in the new testament.

I feel when my time comes God will be looking at me as a person and not at what clothes I'm wearing.

Anyways, those are my own personal thoughts on the matter. :2c:

Like you I also have always felt more comfortable socially around women rather than men. :iagree:

Well enough of this heavy stuff.

Have fun and enjoy. :bye:


Vicki :cheer:

[6Jenni9]

I play WoW on Uldum server, Horde side. Ironically the character I play is a male because I'm a Tauren druid, and I just simply refuse to play a female cow....LMAO.... So yeah, the character is a male but I tell the guild I'm a girl...etc. Character's name is Forsena, btw. Look me up. We're gearing up to raid the Frozen Throne...which just came out today, by the way. Woohoo!

I play mostly RPGs though. Whenever WoW pisses me off, I go over to City Of Heroes where I have some cute superheroines. ^_^ Final Fantasy games too, and Dragon Age. See, that's where I'm definitely more guyish...but I'd take a day of shopping over watching football with "the guys" any day.



Palin 2012? ;) :D

I've listened to Rush Limbaugh since I was 9... No one "got me into it" or anything... It was when he had his TV show, and I happened to be up too late and caught the show one night. I thought he was funny and entertaining, so I asked my parents for permission to stay up and watch it regularly. Over time, I started getting it. Now I'm the "go to guy" at work and with my family when they want some political insight. In fact, at work, they now call me Rush. :P I sometimes call some of the predictions even before he does. Anyway, just thought I'd share that to give a little insight about me, since I have a fellow Tea Partier here. :)

I get to catch Rush every now and then, but my main thing to listen to/watch is Glenn Beck. And I'm all for Palin in 2012...as long as she don't cave to the republican establishment. I've grown quite separated from that bunch over the past few years.

[Samantha Girl]

I'm sorry, because I grew up with only minor religious influence I feel like I have a hard time giving advice to a girl like you, I am very non religious. I love what your pastor said to you, that's very encouraging ;) All I can say is try to be who you really are, if you can figure out who that is! We're all evolving and growing as people in different ways, got to find what's right for YOU. Good luck Bailey :)

[Jenny Gurl]

Welcome, and you are definitely not alone.

I know of the religious inner battle you speak of. I don't want to get specific because God's word is for each person to interpret on their own, and this is between you and God. I will say according to most Christian religions, Jesus died on the cross for our sins which released us from the rules of the Old Testament. We now are under the rules of the New Testament and I have never read anything in there about cross dressing. Many rules in the old testament would have been very difficult to follow.

There are many people here from all walks of life who are ready and willing to share their life experience in this area. Some of the best quality information on the subject is probably right here among the people who live it every day, maybe more so than a psychiatrist who simply read about it in a book. Again welcome, you are among friends.

[Zoiq]

Welcome.

Sorry to rush, but I was about to head off when I noticed your post.

Long story short, you just about described me, except I dont believe in a higher being... and a few other lesser things.

Tip. Be what you find makes you happy, everything else will come naturally.

[Bailey_in_Mansfield]

Sweet, i play on Drak'Tharon. I am also a Taruen druid(Negreon), unfortunately male cow as well haha, i feel you on not playing female cow. I play Balance spec, which do you play? And yes i am having problems downloading the patch right now so i cant get on :(. But i also have a Orc Shaman lvl 80 and very geared like my druid. I guess i play too much haha.

Haha yeah, the female taurens....their /silly emotes aren't even funny! -_- "Do you know how hard it is to get your groove on with the spirit of your grandmother watching you?" Seriously? Was that supposed to be a punchline? Lame.

Feral spec. Cat form only. Around 1.8k to 2k dps in heroics, 2.8 to 3k dps in 10 man raids, and about 3.5 to 4k dps in 25 man. Woot. Still not as geared as I need, but with Emblems of Triumph dropping like rain now, it should happen quick. :)


If God created us in his image and knew us in our mothers womb than how can we be a mistake. He doesn't make mistakes.

...and that, sadly, would mean that He meant me to be male. *sobs* That's the problem I have with it, LOL


I get to catch Rush every now and then, but my main thing to listen to/watch is Glenn Beck. And I'm all for Palin in 2012...as long as she don't cave to the republican establishment. I've grown quite separated from that bunch over the past few years.

Have you read her book? She makes it quite clear that that won't happen. :) Practically the whole 2nd half of the book is about how the VP campaign people were telling her to just "sit down and shut up," and that she won't be doing that anymore. For those who don't like her, I'd suggest at least giving the book a chance if you get an opportunity to read it... It becomes apparent that she's a lot smarter than the media would have you think. :)

[KandisTX]

Why do I get the feeling you'll be buying Lynyrd Skynyrd's new CD, "God And Guns" when it comes out? :D :D :D :D :D


Ummm.. could it be because I'm a TEXAS GAL? LOL

Kandis:love::rose2:

[Danielle76]

I sympathize, I really do. I'm also a conservative christian. Not something you expect to find much here. I agree with a lot of what you said, and share a lot of your struggles. Someone on this forum told me recently what their pastor told them about cross dressing. The bible says in Dueteronomy, I think, that a man should not dress as a woman. Someone told me that there is a specific context to that, namely that men were trying to dodge having to go fight in wars by dressing as a woman, so it was more focused on fighting then the act of cross dressing itself. That's one interpretation, anyway, and I find that it does make quite a bit of sense. Same with the bible saying not to get tattoos..that also was not because tattoos are wrong, but because at the time it was a form of worship to Baal. Context.....

Anyway, I've bought and purges so many times over the years, that I just keep a stash now. Sometimes I get disgusted and tell myself that I'm going to throw it all away, but man...that has cost me quite a bit of money over the years.

Unlike you, I don't fully want to be a woman. The only times I think about it is when I'm aroused, but it's not a gender identity thing for me...it's just sexual. I guess you just have to keep praying about it, and make sure that you are truly willing to hear what God wants to tell you, even if it's something you don't want to hear at all. Who knows? In the eyes of God, cross dressing may not be wrong at all, He may not even care...BUT that doesn't mean that it's necessarily what He wants for YOU.

Wish I had some better answers for you....

[carolinoakland]

Oy, you sound so much like me... so no, you are not unusual at all. And it was that conflict that drove me crazy. Going back and forth. I never was interested in guys either, and yep I know exactly what you mean about wondering if you want to be WITH a woman you're attracted to or BE that women. It's actually a fairly typical behaviour to live vicariously through our female partners. So, just do what feels right, and trust. I didn't start going to church until after I transitioned, I felt like a lie every time I walked into a church, and once I did transition I walked in and felt this warm smile from above and the words...
"there she is, come on it daughter, your safe and home now..."
And I am. Carol

[Bailey_in_Mansfield]

Wow Carol, that's amazing. Did anyone realize?

[chriscosmos]

We are all such a mass of contradictions. CD - ing is a contradiction by definition. We live in the land of paradox. That's our home. I'm not a conventional Christian (I don't believe the Bible is literally true but metaphor an poetry that I believe it was meant to be) or a right-winger in fact I'm so far left I may well be on the right. I believe that the movement towards sexual ambiguity and variety is a good thing and a way to increase love rather than decrease it (i.e., judging others).

Yet, I've lived long enough to respect all traditions. People are so much more than their labels. One thing about paradox (I come from many years of practicing meditation) tradition and paradox itself is a recognized technique in connecting to God. One of the most impressive books I read on this is, in fact, called The Cloud of Unknowing which is a manual for Christian contemplatives which essentially teaches you to turn off your labeling mind to approach knowledge and love of God.

Still many of the mental stuff (since spirituality is at the center of my life) is very familiar so thanks for posting.

[StaceyJane]

I'm a Christian conservation too. I went to Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary for two years. Now days I'm pretty conservative politically.
Often I wonder what my other Christian conservative friends would think if they knew all about me.

[Erica2Sweet]

...Uhhh.....thoughts? :-/

There's nothing unusual about the points you discuss in your OP. Relax, you're not alone in your feelings.

I'd suggest finding someone close that is understanding of your situation and is willing to talk about it with you face-to-face. This person doesn't necessarily have to be a professional, but someone with an understanding of transgender issues would be ideal. They need to be someone you can trust obviously.

I'm going to go further and say I would not suggest looking to clergy for answers regarding TG issues. I'm sorry if that offends anyone, but they most likely are not going to understand specifically what you wrestle with internally. Talking to clergy may serve as a wonderful pressure-release of sorts, but I again caution you in following their advise and attempting to apply it to you life and situation. It is what it is. Keep in mind I say this as someone how is not what most would consider to be a religious person.

Best of luck!

[Alicia_lynn419]

Hi Bailey,

Wow... reading your post describes me almost identically (Christian with concerns, Politically conservative/tea Party attendee)... so much of what you said about yourself and where your at has been where I'm at for the last year... getting to a point after a few years of relative acceptance that I'm beginning to feel those doubts again.

And to all the other ladies who responded, thank to you as well. Politics and religion are subjects I don't usually bring up with CDing. I'm so relieved to know there are so many others here that have the same feelings and concerns! I've been on the verge of another purge, but threads like this remind me that I am as God intended me to be. I feel a lot lighter after reading this!

Allie

[Vicki-Z]

Hi Bailey, :)

I think you misunderstood my previous post. When I said "If God created us in his image and knew us in our mothers womb than how can we be a mistake. He doesn't make mistakes." What I was referring to was if God really wanted us to be completely male he would have made sure we had a totally male mind and thought patterns to go with the male body. Obviously He didn't want us to be totally male. Therefore I guess we are who He wanted us to be. Personally, I wished he gave me a female body to go with my mind. lol :heehee:


:hugs: Vicki

[lavistaa62]

I've spent most of life down south (not there anymore thank goodness) and while I was born as the son of a preacher I'm an atheist and one of those intellectual liberals at the exact opposite end of the political religious spectrum. While I lived down South and whenever I have to go back there I feel horribly oppressed and sickened by the oppression I still feel there (CD and otherwise).

I say all this not to stir up controversy but to go on to say that despite all these seeming differences they don't, I think, have much to do with the desire to dress. While I'm not a theologian and don't in fact believe in sin I think your preacher is a good friend to you and it's great you have an outlet- someone to discuss even the most private things confidentially.

I also say this to confide that I like you have the same conflicting thoughts, the same uncertainties and confusion. Without putting words in anyone's mouth it seems like many of us who have responded seem the same way. It's tough to figure out, how it's going to affect others, how they'll respond or what's the right thing for us to do.

CD is not the only thing which can have consequences or break up a marriage or cause strife in a family. Drugs, mental illness, the loss of a job all these are stressful and in my mind far more dangerous to our well being than CD. On the plus side, CD can make us very happy and fulfilled. We can create beautiful images- some of us in reality and some of us in our minds alone:) Either way, CD has a lot of pluses. I'm not saying if I was writing out the specification for me that'd I'd include it as a primary requirement but it's a part of me and that's that so may as well enjoy it.

[Bailey_in_Mansfield]

Thanks for the thanks, I had no idea people would appreciate this thread so much! :) And that was my very first post, LOL :)


I'm going to go further and say I would not suggest looking to clergy for answers regarding TG issues. I'm sorry if that offends anyone, but they most likely are not going to understand specifically what you wrestle with internally. Talking to clergy may serve as a wonderful pressure-release of sorts, but I again caution you in following their advise and attempting to apply it to you life and situation. It is what it is. Keep in mind I say this as someone how is not what most would consider to be a religious person.

Yeah, I know what you mean. This guy is someone I've known for a long time though, and I also didn't mention, I don't even go to that church anymore. So this was more of a...seeking advice from a guy who's practically watched me grow up, and has knowledge of the Bible too, and counseling experience to boot. :)


I think you misunderstood my previous post. When I said "If God created us in his image and knew us in our mothers womb than how can we be a mistake. He doesn't make mistakes." What I was referring to was if God really wanted us to be completely male he would have made sure we had a totally male mind and thought patterns to go with the male body. Obviously He didn't want us to be totally male. Therefore I guess we are who He wanted us to be. Personally, I wished he gave me a female body to go with my mind. lol :heehee:

(Emphasis added by me.) And that's exactly what I was sobbing over! :) I understood what you meant...but yeah. I just don't like the hand I've been dealt. Male body, female mind. I feel like my wires are crossed! So yeah, I'm frustrated with that, frustrated that I can never be happy in the way that I wish I could be.

[Brooke Ashley]

Haha yeah, the female taurens....their /silly emotes aren't even funny! -_- "Do you know how hard it is to get your groove on with the spirit of your grandmother watching you?" Seriously? Was that supposed to be a punchline? Lame.

Feral spec. Cat form only. Around 1.8k to 2k dps in heroics, 2.8 to 3k dps in 10 man raids, and about 3.5 to 4k dps in 25 man. Woot. Still not as geared as I need, but with Emblems of Triumph dropping like rain now, it should happen quick. :)


Haha yeah, what were they thinking on that /silly. Oh, well i guess i play too much, in boomkin i do 4k in 10m and 5-5.5k in 25 mans. my shaman is enhance and does about 3.5-4k in 10m and 4-4.5k in 25m. i do love the feral spec tho, but it is very gear dependent, and like you said it will be easy to gear now with how they are giving away emblems haha.

[LisaM]

Bailey,

I just read your post and like so many others have said it hit a nerve--it could have been written by me (although many years ago).

Welcome to the forum -- you will find a lot to learn and share here.

[Leigh58]

Hi!
Just want to say that the closer I get to God, the MORE convinced I am that God is a God of love and grace NOT CONDEMNATION AND SHAME. This is helping me tremendously now that my husband and I are working through the issues surrounding his lifelong crossdressing. And if I believe my husband is a sacred child of God, I also have to believe that other people with gender orientations and identities that don't fit the cultural norm are just as much of supreme value to our loving God. Does this help? You ARE a child of sacred worth! Don't let ANYONE tell you anything different!:hugs:

Oh, yeah, BTW, I AM clergy. But I DO understand the fear that goes with confiding in clergy about gender issues. Many are not accepting or understanding. And I believe this greives God tremendously.

[jenna_woods]

you are not alone I am getting old and still now sure if I understand it, been dressing for over 10 years now, and still not sure I understand it.

[MelanieCA]

I was just about to post that you're not alone, that I was just like you, etc. etc., but I see so many others beat me to it. That's what's great about this forum, isn't it? :)

BTW, I'm a tea-party-attending, proudly-conservative *Jew*. :)

[sherri52]

Bailey right now you are experiencing awareness of your inner self. No one can tell you what you should or should not do. This you have to figure out for yourself. Once you do you can move on. You are a beautiful woman and that makes half of your pdoblem an easy thought, the other half you have to figure. There are many people here who feel the same way you do, some have found themselves and others are still looking. I have many of the same feelings you do except I do want to get fully dressed. Get out of your parents house as soon as possible and enjoy your life and find out who you really are.:hugs:

[Bailey_in_Mansfield]

Awesome! :D Yeah I'm DEFINITELY not alone here :)

[charlie]

Hello Bailey!
Welcome to the forum! Coming here always gives me a feeling that I'm not alone in all of this. In your comments seem to be finding the same thing. What hit me most in your question was centered as to why you feel you dress. You seem to like women so much that you want to be one. I have had that thought ever since I stopped making CDing a sexual act. I now dress fully and go out as often as I can. If I take the time to dress, wear makeup, wigs and heels, I'm going out! In your avatar you look great. Are you sure that you could not get out and try it. Start by going to a gay friendly bar and see how it goes. As you get more confident, you can go to all sorts of places. I to am a Christian. Deuteronomy does state that men should not wear woman's clothes and women should not dress as men. There are all sorts of other things that Deuteronomy tells us not to do that makes no sense. I'm not sure if we are going against God's wishes or not, but I do feel that we are not making him proud of us all the same. It is very hard to stop though. If I could I would. Societal views of us are bad, women view us as weird for the most part and we beat ourselves up alot for being weak. Dressing has not been good to my marriage either. It sure feels great though to charge out that door and be the best woman a man can be!

[Nigella23]

Hello Bailey. I guess by now you've realised that the thoughts and behaviours you have are not in fact singular to yourself. I would go as far as suggesting what you are feeling is in fact a hugely common situation.
I have read through a lot of posts on this forum and not seen anyone at all who seems like me, so I feel like I'm abnormal even for a CDer. Secondly even if you were the only person on the planet who felt like this, it's still no reason to sweat it. I think due to the experiences of members here they are the most accepting, non-judgemental, level headed bunch of folks you could ever meet.
Don't worry, don't over analyse stuff, enjoy yourself and be happy. Self discovery is a wonderful thing when you give yourself permission to enjoy what you find.

[Bailey_in_Mansfield]

In your avatar you look great. Are you sure that you could not get out and try it.

Thanks so much! But that's not actually me. That avatar is what I *WISH* I looked like. :( That there is a particular girl I've had a thing for...well, for years. Yeah, trust me. You can do whatever you want to me, I won't pass. Free fem makeover, SRS, grow out hair, still won't. My facial stubble grows fast, and razors don't cut it...it cuts razors. Plus my face is still all rough from teenage acne. >_< AND my vocal cords have been torn up by my asthma, so I don't have enough pitch control to do a fem voice. :(

[Amanda Styles]

I guess I am much like you and apparently like a whole bunch of others here. I am conservative, was raised Baptist, but never really participated, not to say I am without my beliefs today.

I have also had a struggle with 100% acceptance or quitting. Getting much closer to the 100% acceptance side at the moment.
I thought at one time that having a relationship, being married etc would "cure" me but so much for that idea.
At 26 you have a lot of time left to sort yourself out.
Have fun while doing so.

[Bailey_in_Mansfield]

I was feeling all down in the dumps today, for a lot of the same reasons as I outlined in the OP of this thread (my very first post!), and came back to dig this thread up and find some encouragement from it. I know we've had some new people join since I joined last month, so I thought I'd resurrect the thread so others can find encouragement from it too. It's comforting to know there are others with the same struggles as I have, and I find myself wishing more and more for just one really accepting GG friend around my area to help me feel more like a girl when the need arises.

At any rate, if you haven't seen this thread before now, go back and read the first few posts... apparently some people really enjoyed it, and we found that none of us are ever truly alone. :)

[AlisonRenee]

I didn't make a choice at 5 years old to want to be a girl. What 5-year-old makes that choice? No, it's how I was made. And only God will judge me. I figure, if I've tried my best to reflect a little of His light in this world, He'll forgive me for any mistakes I've made.

Nicely said, Dianna.

[AlisonRenee]

...my vocal cords have been torn up by my asthma, so I don't have enough pitch control to do a fem voice. :(

-- Maybe that's not such a problem, there are quite a few well-known women with lower-pitched voices. Kathleen Turner, Bea Arthur would be two that come to mind. Kathleen Turner was never at a loss for sexy. :) If you can learn to use more-feminine inflection in your voice it might help do the trick.

[msniki48]

Bailey,

you sound like a wonderful person...and your feelings are shared by me and many others in this forum. Many of the girls in here are crossdressers...such is the title of the forum. But, Many of the girls in here are transgendered or [in my humble opinion] gender blessed. i feel i am one of these girls... and yes I crossdress to feel and express and be closer to those inner feelings, but don't see myself going through a total transition for life reasons.

i feel i am somewhere in the middle also, probably will never be the total woman...but i strive every day to be womanly as possible.

Have you been to sites that explain some of the differences? [crossdresser, transgendered, transgenderist, transexual] I think you will find much of what you feel is that of one who is transgendered...but don't put yourself in a cooby hole either...this is a gray sliding scale of masculinity vs femininity....no one is totally one or the other.

i hope you find peace in being yourself

hugs

msniki48

[TiffanyMN]

Bailey,
When it comes to not accepting yourself 100% either way I really feel your pain. I am also a "Tea Party Conservative". I have spent years trying to come to grips with the battle going on in my own head and how it relates to my views of the world at large. I never felt like I had anybody that I could tell about Tiffany, let alone confide in about all of the different feelings I was dealing with. Guilt led me to several purges over the years and ultimately drove me deeper into a closet. The shame of not being able to accept "what I was" along with the perceived "weakness" of not being able to quit doing it was pretty overwhelming. More than once I sat alone in a pair of panties, stockings and high heels wondering, "What the hell is wrong with me that I can't stop doing this?" The whole sin aspect just made it worse. Then I spent some time looking around on the net and happened across this forum. I spent a long time just reading posts and seeing what others were thinking. I finally came to the full acceptance that there isn't anything wrong with the way I am or with what I am doing. The people on this site are an amazing source of knowledge and support. I still can't approach most of the people I know about Tiffany. I am sure most of them wouldn't understand. That is why I am thankful for all of the support I get from this site. I am sure you will get to 100%, on one side or the other; I think we all know which way it usually ends up, if you just keep looking inward and asking for the help of others that understand. Best of luck to you, on your road of discovery and ultimate acceptance. Welcome to the group!

[Teranika]

I hear much of what you say, I'm also from Texas and I went through alot of that, but my dad is alot more violent about it (he's a conservative/tea party type =P)

Oh, and Psssh, cows aren't even real druids. Shoulda rolled a Nelf, even if shadowmeld got nerfed.

[Daniela76]

I love this thread!
Bailey, you are pretty cool sounding.
I would play WoW, but I already play enough games & don't want to spent $15 a month for it. Rather buy clothes now.
I haven't played much since I accepted Dani though. Pretty much only with other people now. Maybe if the new Star Wars MMO is good I might get into that.
I am a Christian (definitely thinking about being baptized this year if my church accepts my CD'ing). I am economic & social conservative with some moderate leanings. Those are on the public aid side. But living in MN you see what people do with public aid so that compassion has been starting to erode a little bit. Also worked for Schwan's last year & had a route full of people with food stamps. They bought steaks & shrimp!! (Sorry for that little rant)
I love the conservative talk radio, especially Glenn Beck. He is really funny. We coolest ladies could start a TG fan club for him!! Wonder what he'd think!? I'm not yet a tea partier, but may change that this year. Didn't feel like participating in much last year. Too depressed.
Not depressed anymore though!! Super happy joy time now!!!

[Bailey_in_Mansfield]

Oh, and Psssh, cows aren't even real druids. Shoulda rolled a Nelf, even if shadowmeld got nerfed.

Nelf druids are way cuter and I would totally roll one, but Alliance is full of little kids with no clue what the hell is going on, and assholes who hate the world.

Perfect example: I rolled up a Draenei pally and around level 10 or so, I took her to Stormwind with 50 gold on her and said in Trade that I wanted to buy a portal to Dalaran. Only one mage in Stormwind was able to do the port, and he cursed me out and /yelled "I'm not ur portal machine."

The very next day, running through Orgrimmar on my tauren, I saw a message in Trade that a mage was about to port himself from Orgrimmar to Dalaran, and wanted to know if anyone wanted to come along, for free. It's just such a different mindset. It's a huge difference in the kind of people you run into. The Nelf druids are cute, but I just can't stand the Alliance.

Besides, Alliance are the bad guys.

[Terrigirl]

I found this post by searching acceptance. I feel exactly the same as your post. I feel like I could have posted it myself. I too am a conservative Christian and hold those type of political views. I too look at women the same way. It is as if I am looking through two lenses. One lens is the male side of me. Oh that girl is pretty and sexy and what would it be like to be with her. The other lens is from the fem side that looks her up and down. I notice what she is wearing, how she does her make-up, and how she does her hair. What would it be like to be her? It is all very confusing and at times overwhelming. Oh the life of a crossdresser.