My story - part one

[LisaKarenAZ]

Okay, I'm taking a shot of courage and am going to try to express myself a little here. I need to dip my big toe in the pool to test the waters first, though.

My apologies if this post comes out sounding like babble, but I have so many thoughts, questions, etc. that I haven't been able to talk to anyone about ever. This is such a relief to finally have a place to express myself freely and without judgement.

My dressing began around age 9. From what I remember, my first experience was my best friend's sister dressing me up in one if her dresses. This included everything from panties, stockings, shoes, makeup, and a wig. I felt so great dressed up that I had to go back across the street to my house an show my mom. She had friends over and the reaction I got was less than positive. As a matter of fact, the words she used were "get that @&@# off right now! I don't ever want to see you doing that again!". This brought an enormous feeling of guilt for upsetting my mother. And that's something I've carried with me to this day.

Over the years, my dressing continued secretly. I couldn't help myself. It felt right. I also started to wish I had been born a girl. I used to pray to God to make me a girl. Many details of times and experiences have been blurred over the years. Things I do recall are a number of times that my parents caught me either with clothes or dressed up. Each time was a painful experience emotionally. Along with clothes, I was also experimenting with makeup. I would put on lipstick and panties before bed and get up early to clean up and change.

When I was about 12, I had a paper route. This was great for opportunities to dress. I would put on the stuffed bra, panties, and makeup and head out to deliver the papers at 5am. During this time of the paper route, I started something I'm not very proud of, but it did help with me having clothes to wear other than my mother's. As I was delivering papers in the morning, I found a lot of houses that had clothes hanging on clotheslines. A lot of girls I went to school with lived at these houses, so the underthings were sexy and fit me well. I also would underdress at school with panties and pantyhose on days that I didn't have gym.

Dressing continued over the years. Painting my nails is something I've also had an affinity for since my early years.

Fast forward to later years. After meeting my wife and getting married, the dressing continued off and on for quite a few years before my "secret" was discovered. The one big thing I regret is not telling my wife early on. But, like many others, I thought that getting married would make the urges stop.

About 4 or 5 years ago, my wife discovered my collection. I was working 100 miles away from home and usually brought my bags with me everyday and left them in my vehicle. The urges were the strongest they had ever been at this time. I would change into my clothes and some makeup before heading home each night. I'd stop somewhere before home to change back to drab mode before getting home. I had left the bags in my home office for a few days. As she was cleaning my office, she found my things. I received a call at work explaining what she had found and asking who they belonged to. Naturally, she thought I was having an affair. I was devastated that I had caused her any pain. I broke down and explained that the items were mine.

She was in disbelief that they were mine. After many long chats, and a lot of anger from her, she finally believed me. To make a long story a bit shorter, there were a lot of questions to answer. Unfortunately, I was ill prepared to answer many of the questions clearly. In addition, I was extremely embarassed to discuss the topic, based on her reactions. She was disgusted with me.

I'll save some of the additional story for a later time. I've rambled long enough this time.

Lisa

[TonyaV]

LisaKaren - welcome to the family. You're not alone! Many of us have had similar experiences.
:hugs:

[LisaKarenAZ]

Thanks Tonya!
I am so happy I found this place and am taking the steps to better understand who I am.

It's a relieve to be able to discuss this wonderful part of me.

Lisa

[lavistaa62]

Meaning the first few paragraphs were a near reflection my own story...


Discussing this with others seems to be the only way of digesting this ourselves. Multiple perspectives from others with an innate ability to appreciate the difficult task of understanding ourselves are needed. I'm not yet among those who have figured it out but talking about it with the people here is becoming an important part of that discovery.

It's unfortunate your wife found out as she did- as understanding as GG generally are- CD seems, in , to put a cold hand around their primal social assumptions. Your wife wanted to discuss what she had found; would suggest she wants to understand before she decides. The questions I'm sure were just as grave yet awkward for her.

Thanks for joining us.

[Jilmac]

I could take bits and peices of your story and apply them to me. I think we've all had the guilt trip in one form or another. You're among friends and sisters so don't be shy about posting what's on your mind. Most of us can help you along your journey.

[Alice B]

Can't wait to hear part two and where you are today.

[linnea]

one of my greatest feelings was related to the discovery that I was not alone in my crossdressing. This forum helped me to realize that, and I would say that you will also find that this is true.

[LisaKarenAZ]

Thank you all.

One thing about me is that I've known for many years that I wasn't alone in my feelings.
My problem has always been the negative feelings that go along with a socially unacceptable desire. Guilt, embarassment, confusion, anger, frustration, etc. have always kept me from fully exploring my female self.

I love dressing at all levels, whether it's just a pair of panties or to the nines. I just hate the thought of being treated like an outcast by friends or family if found out.

Over the past couple of years, I have reached a better level of acceptance of this condition of feminity. Now, instead of hating myself, I hate the world's view of gender variants.

I did see a transgender focused therapist in NY a couple of years ago. I only saw her for a few visits. I wasn't truly ready to step into that level of self exploration yet. The discussion during each visit kept leaning to my being more on the TG side of the fence than the CD side. Am I really in line with her assessment? I haven't explored that deep in to my psyche yet, so who knows. My main reason for seeing her was as an effort to save my marriage.

Having moved to Arizona this year, I am in search for a TG therapist in the Phoenix area now. I am finally ready to fully explore the deep dark secrets of my feminine characteristics and tendencies.

[TabbyJames]

Hi lisa, thanks for sharing your story! It has a lot of similarities to mine. First off, dont be shy, I personally am finding that by expressing myself and hearing the expressions of others here, is helping in the quest for the answer to the big question: "WHY"?

Sit back and enjoy your journey, we only live once.

[docrobbysherry]

U kind of left us hanging! Many girls have lost their wives, once they were found out. I'm hoping your's is a HAPPY ending?:)



My problem has always been the negative feelings that go along with a socially unacceptable desire. Guilt, embarassment, confusion, anger, frustration, etc. have always kept me from fully exploring my female self.

I just hate the thought of being treated like an outcast by friends or family if found out.


Unfortunately, this is the part of your post I identify with!:straightface:
At this point, I'm still working at believing THEIR thinking is messed up about CDing, and NOT MINE!:brolleyes:

[JenniferZ]

I love your story and can relate to it. Basically why are we not accepted?

I to have a long history of dressing and really enjoy it. I may take a step back once and awhile but always seem to want to take another step forward.

Interestingly I have a young daughter and her generation seems a lot more accepting of crossdressing and transgender people (as well as gay bi etc).

So I think there is hope - thanks for your story.

Jennifer

[ReineD]

In addition, I was extremely embarassed to discuss the topic, based on her reactions. She was disgusted with me.



Over the past couple of years, I have reached a better level of acceptance of this condition of feminity. Now, instead of hating myself, I hate the world's view of gender variants.

Welcome Lisa! :hugs:

I don't presume to know you or your wife, but if at the time you were not accepting of yourself, you may have projected your feelings of guilt or shame on her. She may have been overwhelmed with the sudden news that you are TG and she may have been afraid, not understanding how this would affect your relationship, but hopefully she wasn't disgusted.

I'm glad you've reached a better level of acceptance with yourself. I would also be angry at having been shamed as a young boy by the people I trusted and loved the most. But do try to forgive your parents. They, along with everyone else, were raised to believe there is something wrong with being TG.

I very much look forward to the day when parents can have a better understanding of the transgendered. There are an increasing number of blogs out there from parents who are trying to promote societal understanding for the sake of their TG kids. The internet is helping tremendously and just having a forum like this one helps TGs gain confidence so they can take themselves out from their deep closets and be seen in public. The more exposure, the easier it will be for society in general to finally be able to recognize there are a significant number of people who do fall outside the gender norms, and these are people who wish to live their lives happily and peacefully just like everyone else.

Sorry for my soapbox approach. And I hope things did work out with your wife. But please do try not to carry so much anger in your heart. You will be more effective in helping change attitudes all around if you approach it with understanding, love, and kindness.
:hugs:

[LisaKarenAZ]

Thanks Reine.


I don't presume to know you or your wife, but if at the time you were not accepting of yourself, you may have projected your feelings of guilt or shame on her. She may have been overwhelmed with the sudden news that you are TG and she may have been afraid, not understanding how this would affect your relationship, but hopefully she wasn't disgusted.

The part about projecting my own guilt an shame makes perfect sense. At the time, I was feeling a lot of it so it would make sense that she would see it in my reactions with her.

I have two kids that are young teenagers. The oldest, my daughter, is extremely tolerant about TG and homosexuality. My son is as well, just that my daughter is wide open about it. She says that she loves gay guys and has had a few good friends at school that were. As a matter of fact, there was a conversation last night between my kids about the phrase "that's so gay" being used by kids these days to say something is stupid. My son says it, not thinking of how it might affect anyone. Her comment to him was to stop using that phrase because "you might offend someone who is homosexual, but is trying to come to terms with it.".

Both of the kids have seen me enfemme for Halloween. My son thinks it's funny. My daughter now thinks it's creepy to see Dad in a dress. What didn't help was that I wasn't trying to present as best as I could. Neither of them know about my CDing though. But there's hope.

[LisaM]

Lisa,

Your story is very familiar to many of us---I even delivered newspapers in the morning. Welcome!

[carolinoakland]

Ok, first take a deeeep breath. Now, you are with people who know exactly what you are feeling. And we've all been there. You will find that you will read what others say and a warm glow of recognition will come over you. So, are you tired of hiding and living in fear? You do know that only you can give yourself the permission to be happy? It's like parenting, once you become a parent you're life as you knew it is over; that doesn't mean that you can't do everything you used to, you just have to put the kids first. But you know that right? You've been a parent. So now you have this girl that needs to be loved and allowed to live, if she doesn't she will become a weight that will drag you under. Time to wake her up and teach her to swim. If you think you aren't strong enough, think of raising a family... was that easy? So, first get a therapist. All they are going to do is help you find the questions to the answears you already have inside you. But if you keep all this inside it's going to take you down from the stress of it. And you just got here, we want you to be happy and around for a long time. Don't give up! Carol

[meri]

Your tale is a classic tale told of someone conditioned to repress, hide and deny their true feelings about themselves. As a result, you have lived in guilt and fear. It would have been interesting to see what you would have become if society was completely open and let you become whatever it was your heart desired. Who do you think you would be today?

[charlie]

Hello Lisa!
Welcome to the forum. I hope you find it as amusing and helpful as I do! It is a nice place to go when looking for people that have all the same problems that we do, and a voice of reason to solve them! Do continue with part 2.

[Karren H]

Lisa,

---I even delivered newspapers in the morning. Welcome!

Omg... So did I!! That may be the missing link??

[Carlacd]

Hello to another Arizona girl. You are among friends here, most of us have been there, done that. Keep the faith.

[DiannaRose]

As you can see by the many wonderful responses, Lisa, you are so not alone! For some of us, acceptance comes/came easily, for others, it's a bit more struggle. But for all of us, just the fact that there are so many of us here--let alone out in the world--we are validated. We are real people, no matter what the ogre "society" says we are. No matter what level of acceptance otr rejection society, our families, our acquaintances, apply to us, we are who we are. I believe we are who we were made to be. And we're in a great spot historically speaking...a few years from now, if we continue to support and accept each other as I've seen even just in this one place here, we can't help but be more accepted in mainstream society.

We're glad you could share, Lisa...I write as well, and you have a great thought-organization that comes through in your writing. Do keep it up...I find it immensely helpful.

[LisaKarenAZ]

Thank you all so very much for the kind words.
The love and support I've felt so far makes me just want to cry tears of joy.

I'm feeling sooooo free to express myself that I can't find the words to describe this overwhelming feeling right now.

I'm already starting to feel better about myself and stronger about being able to be the true me.

@meri - as for where I'd be today if I hadn't had such a repressing environment in my youth?chances are that I'd either be living enfemme 24/7 or fully transitioned. The latter being something I don't think I could consider now, even if that what I'm truly feeling inside.

I still wish to lose the junk between my legs at times and to simply be a woman. But, a part of me does enjoy some aspects of my masculine side. And I have the wonderful family because of the guy parts.

[DonnaT]

I would take slips to wear from clothes lines when I delivered the morning papers, but I always hung them back up when I passed the house on my route back home.

[Roxi Loh]

I agree with Karen, I think it is something in newsprint that made me want to dress as a girl. Seriously, it is something that needed to come out and will make you stronger some day. Maybe not soon but some day.

[sometimes_miss]

Don't feel bad about 'rambling' on and on. My bio is about five pages over in the 'my story' thread on this forum (see link below). And a 'me too', many things you write I experienced feeling also.


I just hate the thought of being treated like an outcast by friends or family if found out.

That's the part that is of serious concern; you have to decide whether you want to tell anyone else, or have your wife 'out' you if she decides to. None of the people I initially told about the crossdressing took it well; I lost friends, and neither my mom or sister is close anymore, sis won't even talk to me. Then my ex wife blackmailed me into giving her everything in the divorce, or else she would out me to the world. While most of the general public seems indifferent, when it comes to someone they know, they often have other feelings, often anger at being lied to or fooled about who we really are. All I can say is that there is a very large online community, and in some places there are public places where we have support. Welcome to the group.

[sherri52]

Hi Lisa and welcome to the most accepting place of all. Most of us have gone through some similar circumstances and may be able to give you advice or at least a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to your story. enjoy the forum

[Diane Smith]

I agree with Karen, I think it is something in newsprint that made me want to dress as a girl.

Many newspapers are printed with soy oil-based ink. Might be something to it!

- Diane