Evident wake up call from wife

[lanell]

My wife works at a bank she comes home describeing a canadian crossdresser
and is making a joke of it.
I have triied to find the right time to share my other life with her and yet I listened to her and totally undertood the way she felt yet crushed me knowing I could be that guy triing to express myself and yet mocked by others that way.
he is the but of many jokes in my small town and I feel for him.
I have not met him but this is a cruel world and how can one compete with that.
my wife and son where having alot of fun with it yet as far as I am concerned without any knowledge or understanding for the way or reason why we do what we do.
I guess I am not sure why i do what I do either but it feels natural and makes me feel whole inside.
if someone was to ask me what my idea of hell is this is.
people should be able to express themself in this day and age without predudice and prosicution.
they accep everything else.
just look whats on tv.
well what is your take on this.

Lesbian in a mans body

[LisaKarenAZ]

I'm sorry to hear of your situation.
It's always a frustration to hear of intolerance in any form. It's even worse when it originates from our loved ones.

We try to teach tolerance in our house to the kids. We're far from perect, but we make an attempt.

Did you happen to say anything during the time they were making fun of this person?

[TabbyJames]

Prejudice takes many faces and trancendes history, it will always be with the human race and just as we cant change our "problem", it cant change its force. All we can hope for is understanding from a minority, a small minority.

Thanks for sharing your story Lanell, and know there are others (us) that feel this every day to one degree or another.

[Joanne f]

It is always difficult when you just want to be your self but you live in an area or town that you know is bias against people who are a bit different to most , it makes you feel that the whole world is against you especially when you have heard comments about someone else who is similar to you , it high lights your fear of being found out.
It is always possible that your wife could be just running with the pack so to speak when she makes comments about this other person and when faced with the reality of her husband or anyone else in the family being like it could have a completely different attitude about it but i am sure that you know her best and know the best way to handle it .( small towns can be a very lonely place).

[Rogina B]

It isn't right that you should have let her get started,unchecked..You could have talked about tolerance,openmindedness,how in other areas outside of her little world,TG's are treated with a "live and let live attitude". You aren't doing right to be so silent against close mindededness. You will be the victim of it before long!

[lanell]

I should have called them on it but ones fear is always how they read me on it and why

[Paula_56]

I realized long ago she will never understand, I am stuckto deal with this on my own and in secret.

[Sandra]

IMO you should have talked about tg issues with her and your son, after all you are intitled to your opinion. If they are not educated they how are they going to learn....

[DiannaRose]

It's one of the worst feelings in the world when the rejection comes so strongly from one so close. These are the people who purport to love us, but sometimes they just can't love all of us.

My wife was the same way...very accepting and supporting when the TG person was, say, a contestant on America's Next Top Model, or a comedian like Eddie Izzard, or a group on the news, but when it came right down to it she couldn't support her own husband. She can barely accept it, even months later.

In her case, there are other issues involved that make it difficult for her to accept any change in a loved one. A lot of history of loved ones changing for the worse (getting sick, passing away, turning from supportive to less so...), so that she automatically sees my "change" as a bad thing.

It sounds like your wife is listening to society rather than making up her own mind about things. Or, if not, then she has some issues in her own head that prevent her from accepting something so radically different. I don't know if or how you can combat this...if you're a praying person, God may give you some guidance. I am, and I'll keep you and your wife in my prayers, and hope He sends you the right time, words and circumstances to broach the subject with her.

But know that there are thousands of people who do accept and support you, even if you haven't met any of us yet. :)

[Karren H]

We no longer have those judgmental issues in our household... Every since my wife knows and even though she isn't a big fan.... we have a gay child which totally changes the familys views... So none of those types of comments on what other people do.... At all.

[Jenny Beth]

I know how you feel. A few years ago my wife's older sister was telling us a story from a friend who works at Sears. Apparently a guy dressed as a woman had bought some lingerie and her friend made negative comments about it to her. My wife's sister agreed and said to us, "How sick is that?" I had to keep my mouth shut and it was all I could do to not throw her out of our house on her ass. Looking back I should have called her on it and I will if I ever hear this sort of thing from her again. What I find interesting though is my wife's younger sister knows about me and it hasn't bothered her one bit.

[KayleeDahl]

I always shot down remarks like this - with a dismissive "as long as they are happy" retort, which usually took the fire out of the conversation. It seems to immediately humanize the object of their mockery, and disarms the speaker.

Teach your son that it is more manly to stick up for someone being put down, than to be the one putting them down!

I also understand how it must have hit home to you, realizing how "against" a big part of you your wife is. Also remember that it may just be her way of dealing with something she doesn't understand.

Hugs
-Sera

[Angie G]

I'm with you on this.I've known people that don't want to be judged but seem to always have some thing to say about others. If we could only get people to think what if it was me.:hugs:
Angie

[JenniferR771]

Its hard to defend someone when you are not out. I understand. But you could point out that you yourself would never make fun of another person, be they gay, transgendered or lesbian. Mention that it is not a choice, but "they are born that way." Charity begins at home. The bank will lose a customer if he catches on to the negative vibes. Surely the bank has an anti-discrimination policy.

[Melinda G]

Forewarned is forearmed. Be glad you got the wakeup call, and a heads up. Many have no idea what they are blundering into. It's not right, but that's the way it is. Life isn't always fair.

[~Eve~]

If you are happy, that is all that matters but I agree, it's hard to take this attitude from your family and it makes opening up to them about this part of you even more difficult. I suppose you would have liked to say 'at least he (she) is happy but it's understandable that you could give too much away though might be worth saying something next time, I would if it was me.
You never know, challenging her with the 'happy' comment might even develop into a situation where you could air your views and have a useful discussion. :)

[carolinoakland]

I know that fear, and you feel badly for not speaking up. Fear is evil, it gives us reasons to not be the best that we are capable of. I used to be very stand offish with the trans crowd. I was terrified they'd clock me, and out me. See? Fear is evil. Now, well, I can't stand by in the face of inhumanity. Well looky here! I've finally joined the human race! Carol

[Allsteamedup]

I think you are all missing the point here.
This man was 'read'. His appearance could obviously have been better or he would just have passed for another customer.
At that point people get embarrassed.
The comments your family made pertained to that situation and any curiousity they felt about why someone would choose to go out in publicl like that etc.
If the man was an acquaintance of yours or sitting in your lounge they would not have said what they did.
So where is your role as parent in this?
Your family were not passing judgement on you, but a situation as reported.
So how do you feel about cders who get read in public?

[DonnaT]

I think you are all missing the point here.
This man was 'read'. His appearance could obviously have been better or he would just have passed for another customer.
At that point people get embarrassed.
Sorry, but I disagree. On both counts.

The point is, people should not be making fun of others, and it should not be taught to their children.

Secondly, those making fun were most likely not embarrassed at all, they were just being judgmental, if not bigoted.

Not all trans folk are going to pass, and not being able to pass should not prevent us from being who we are, even in public.

[SuzanneBender]

:hugs:Lanell I am sorry that your fear forced you pass up this excellent opportunity to at least express the importance of tollerance in today's world to those you love.

I look at moments like this as teaching opportunities. I am not out to all of my kids, friends or coworkers yet, but they all will tell you that I am a huge advocate when it comes to others no matter the persons race, creed, color, biological sex, sexual orientation or gender. It has landed me in some hotly contested debates, but the little victories make the activist in me happy.

Hang in there girl. Your heart is in the right place.

[theresa]

Lanell,

It is sad that our society at large has defined "standards" for how men and women should look and act. The more enlightened members of society are open minded and accepting of people that are different, but for the rest of society, they can be very insensitive to people that don't meet the model. I think is could be a result of their own insecurities, fears and unfulfilled desires in life.

All we can do is to stand up for the rights of others. The more people that stand up against this sort of thing, the more other people will become more tolerant. Certainly the gay and lesbian community has shown how this can be done successfully with combinations of political and social activity.

[KarenCDFL]

I have found most intolerance is an end result of fear. Why do people find it necessary to put down others is beyond me. Does making fun of something different really make you a bigger and better person? Not a chance.

If your wife saw a person in a wheel chair with no legs would she make a joke about it?

I am not trying to put your wife down. Intolerance is something we all are or have been guilty of.

Maybe because I am a cross dresser, I find intolerance unacceptable because I want to be accepted.

Enough rambling...

[Jason+]

Lanell,

If someone can't accept difference in a stranger I don't see them having any tolerance for the same in a loved one. My wife has a much easier time accepting the faceless cross dresser all the way until the fog lifts and the face is mine. To her credit she's here and doing her best.

At work the conversation of what is and isn't gay comes up and clothing is generally a ticket straight to gay in most minds. I love to call them on it and ask them how many articles of womens clothing it would take them to put on before they started to like men or if when their wive/girlfriends put on pants do they suddenly turn lesbian.

All the same I hope things work out for you in the end.

[Wallflower]

I have noticed that people make jokes when they are uncomfortable or just ignorant about a subject. I came from a small town an my group of friends made many jokes about gays. Now one of them came out in the past couple of years and the group was not overflowing with support, but they did accept him. I was shocked that they were so accepting.

[sherri52]

I'm sorry your family feels the way they do. I would probably find that crossdresser and have cofee with him and hope my wife sees me.

[Hope]

I have started to have a standard retort when I hear people poking fun at TG people: "I think her outfit/dress/whatever is very nice, and I don't want to hear another word about it." Sometimes an F-bomb gets dropped in the middle of it. I am sure it does nothing of a permanent nature, but it at least expresses to the bigots in the world that this is yet another sort of conversation that is not socially acceptable.

[lanell]

I have had a lot of great views on the subject but as one said would you mock a person in a wheelchair with no legs.
that is not the same at all society can accept that
in my case in a small town it would effect not just my families feelings tward me but immagine the ridicule and bs my kids would get at school or my wife at work>
this is a cruel and ununderstanding world and people are very judgemental and typicaly do not like change.
and there is why i feel it makes it more of a challenge for us.
I know what we have is NOT a desease but it is still hard to understand why we "I" have the desire to be female.

[Michelle 51]

I'm a Canadian crossdresser .Hope it's not me they're making fun of.lol

[Jenny Beth]

I'm a Canadian crossdresser .Hope it's not me they're making fun of.lol


I was wondering about that too. How did she know the crossdresser was Canadian? Listen up girls, leave the dog sleds at home, we're getting noticed.

:heehee:

[Angel.Marie76]

Lanell, I'll make this short and sweet: Remember, even though we have so many responsibilities in our lives, we must still be true to ourselves, lest we never achieve the happiness we so greatly deserve.

We can continue to quietly exist, and allow the world to operate around us, and do our very best to be 'happy'. However, if you find that your sadness becomes the focus of your day more than the things you MUST do every day to live, then consider it a warning sign. The first time you find yourself sitting there, whether at work, at home, or out and about, and realize that your feelings when you're out (to yourself)/ dressed at home, etc, make you happier inside than when you're drab: Stop, Listen, and Learn. What you do after that, is up to you. :hugs: Be strong for yourself, you're a beautiful person inside, no matter what anyone says.

[melissacd]

I agree with Angel. I am sorry that this happened to you Lana, however, the wake up call is to start recognizing that you are a valuable person just as you are, you can not be happy trying to live up to someone else's standard. It is scary to open up to those around you and say what you have to say, but it sure feels better when you are true to yourself.

I felt so much anger, resentment, bitterness through much of my life. Once I accepted this part of me and started coming out to the world, while it ended my relationship it started my life which had been on hold all these years.

Be true to yourself, stand up for yourself, never be ashamed of who you are. If they cannot accept the real you then the problem is theirs not yours.

Melissa

[Alicia Grey]

lanell wrote


My wife works at a bank she comes home describeing a canadian crossdresser
and is making a joke of it.

he is the but of many jokes in my small town and I feel for him.


I am wondering that if, making a joke about someone can be an ill attempt to relate an admiration for the courage of the person being derided. Without actually saying so. I believe this might the basis of the allure of drag shows.


I guess I am not sure why i do what I do either but it feels natural and makes me feel whole inside.

Feel not alone as we all have the same feelings, or we wouldn't be on this forum.

[JulieC]

I was wondering about that too. How did she know the crossdresser was Canadian? Listen up girls, leave the dog sleds at home, we're getting noticed.

:heehee:

It's the igloos, dear, not the sled dogs :D

[CuteKaraCD]

My wife works at a bank she comes home describeing a canadian crossdresser
and is making a joke of it.
I have triied to find the right time to share my other life with her and yet I listened to her and totally undertood the way she felt yet crushed me knowing I could be that guy triing to express myself and yet mocked by others that way.
he is the but of many jokes in my small town and I feel for him.
I have not met him but this is a cruel world and how can one compete with that.
my wife and son where having alot of fun with it yet as far as I am concerned without any knowledge or understanding for the way or reason why we do what we do.
I guess I am not sure why i do what I do either but it feels natural and makes me feel whole inside.
if someone was to ask me what my idea of hell is this is.
people should be able to express themself in this day and age without predudice and prosicution.
they accep everything else.
just look whats on tv.
well what is your take on this.

Lesbian in a mans body


Maybe next time it happens it would be worth saying something to her, like in stead of making fun of her why not accept her choices in life. She lives works and is a person just like you.

[kay_jessica]

I have had a lot of great views on the subject but as one said would you mock a person in a wheelchair with no legs.
that is not the same at all society can accept that
in my case in a small town it would effect not just my families feelings tward me but immagine the ridicule and bs my kids would get at school or my wife at work>
this is a cruel and ununderstanding world and people are very judgemental and typicaly do not like change.
and there is why i feel it makes it more of a challenge for us.
I know what we have is NOT a desease but it is still hard to understand why we "I" have the desire to be female.

Lanell,

I think you missed an opportunity here to educate not only your wife but your son too. You can not expect your "small town" community to become enlightened in the ways of civilized tolerance if you are not prepared to speak up yourself. I'm not saying you should out your self. But a simple question like Why do you mock her? She has every right to go about her business unmolested. By doing so you seed a question in their minds of their own lack of morality. Make them think about what they are saying/doing. Slowly, they will become ashamed of there hypocrysies, but not unless people like you say Why?

Again I reiterrate, you missed an opportnunity to educate here. Unfortunately, it is harder now for you to question why unless they repeat the circumstances.

[flwildboy]

Sorry to hear you situation.

[Sheila]

this is a cruel and understanding world and people are very judgmental and typical do not like change.

nor is it likely to get any better if we all keep quiet on things that may make us feel uncomfortable .............


We recently picked my youngest up from school (he is 13), we had been out for the day and Debs was dressed ........... to minimize and of his school mates discovering, Debs took her wig and earrings off, put on a cap and pulled it down over her eyes to hide her make-up ........... youngest got in the car and said Hi Debs, she apologized for appearing at school dressed as she was .......... his response ............. "I don't care, and if any of them did, I would tell them it is none of their!!!!" ........... out of the mouth of babes ....... Did I say he is just 13

We have to work to be the change we want to see in society and if my 13 year old is willing to stand up for his belief for people (not just TG) to be who they are, how can we do less ? !!!!!!

[cdLainie]

Sounds like you have a problem, I think you should say somthing as if your wife is being intolerant that can rub off on your child.stand up and be the rollmodel for tolirance being tolerant is very important today.

[Presh GG]

Hi,

Do you think your wife knows your secret and this was her ill advised way of "calling you out". A sort of "well let's talk about this?' Then it got badly out of hand?

Just a thought.

Presh GG

[lingerieLiz]

People make fun of others for a lot of reasons. Demeaning others is a way to feel superior or make others feel inferior. Asking the person to explain why they say that is often interesting and you will find that often they have no answer. If you listen to talk radio you will often hear people call in and bable about a point of view. There argument is not rational and most of the time they leave just as irrational as they started. The good part is that others who listen become educated about the ignorance of the caller and distance themselves from those views.

[Theresa1955]

I have noticed that people make jokes when they are uncomfortable or just ignorant about a subject. I came from a small town an my group of friends made many jokes about gays. Now one of them came out in the past couple of years and the group was not overflowing with support, but they did accept him. I was shocked that they were so accepting.

I truly agree with Wallflower here. I believe people, including myself when I was much younger, joke about situations they are uncomfortable with or do not know how to respond. Some individuals only know how to broach a subject by making a snickering pass about the subject to "test the waters" of the group. All it takes is someone to look at the other side of the story, enlightenment happens, and people look at the other side of the coin. In the case of CDing, many people are ignorant to the culture. :2c:

[poison]

Thats definately a strange position and feeling to have. I've been with all the guys several times when they see someone and start ragging on them about being a fag or gay and just think to myself what they'd all do if i lifted up my shirt to let them see my natural 38B's nearly C's on my chest that i've been hiding for years with shirts. they accept me as one of them not knowing whats underneath. I think 99% of them would die if they ever seen me with my hair unbound and in a cute :rofl: dress!... Just goes to show you how ignorant some are to others
BeGood
Heather~~~~~~~>Poison

[noeleena]

Hi...
Some interesting points , here .
Theres a differenance for me here . looking back . my concerns were. what would people think when they saw me going down the road . going in to a mall or shops .
well first off . the people i knew both in busness & those shops . & others not all of cause . was to tell them . this from me in bob mode . was to say after talking . was the next time you see me will be as a woman . in other words to prempt any details of non acceptance
Did it work . very much so . in our village of less than 3500 people & i was / am quite well known .
& of cause this wont apply here for most of you . i went on T V . then the papers . all in one day . so people knew who i was /am then in the other major centers .15.000 & 38.000 people . & known there as well .

.as said you may or will have a lot to loss if you did this . for me i gained more friends & others rang me up who i had not seen in over 30 years . so this for me was very good . my point would be our people are very much more accepting of us who are trans . so this does help us .
& i would have to say . i v been accepted by many people . & those who cant most times have thier own problems to sort out .
Because i am out in public all the time most dont care . they see me & many just talk as if we have known each other for years . so yes there are a lot of details that you need to look at before any thing is said . as it will bite you on the rear . a bit different with familys trust me i know ... after 11 years it bites hard . now of cause its no were like it was .

you know your family so trust your self to know when to talk about . if you like . people like us . & if you like at some stage use my profile on the net . google my name . any way . how we go about those details is not all way s easy ....

...noeleena...

[lanell]

did some of you even read the original massage ar just replies
yes I am dissapointed how people treat crossdressers and or any one else with alterative lifestyles but some of these messages are taken too personal
i almost regret posting the message.....
my heart felt heavy due to the situation but it ts not neccessarily the best time to aproach or come out.
the right time is different for every one and in some cases not at all..
how many posts have we read and coming out resulted in divorce..
now who wants to give the advice to some one that may result in possibly ending a marrage or family relationship
I felt bad about the situation and shared it.
i only wish I could share this part of my life and have fun withit with my wife but I do know better.
for the most part I am pleased with the responses but some are very thickheaded and disapointing I feel some members need to read and understand the original message clearly and think before the reply and not to be just heard.
for the most part thank you for the reasonable responses
meryy x mas