Very Frustrating at times

[AKAMichelle]

Over a year ago my sons found out about my crossdressing. They don't talk to me about it, but the middle one talks with my wife. The other day my middle son told my wife that he thought I was gay. Why? Because I crossdress. Some of his gay friends told him that I must be gay and hiding it.

So today I had a talk with him and told him a little about crossdressing. He didn't want to talk about it, and tried multiple times to change the subject. The biggest point that I was able to make was that I wasn't gay. Most crossdressers are actually hetrosexual, but most of them are too scared to come out of the closet. I even told him that a good portion of them are married with kids like me. All he did was try to blow me off. I know what that means. He doesn't believe me because he just feels that I am in denial.

It is just so frustrating that the stereotypes win out and we can tell the truth and the stereotype is still true.

[carnut62]

If you get TNT have him watch The Closer from the other day. Beau Bridges was a TS but he specifically said he still likes girls. Maybe the TV can sway him.

Edit: Here is a QA with him too http://insidetv.aol.com/2009/12/11/beau-bridges-interview-the-closer-transsexual-cop/ I think he did a good job and it sounds like he really researched. I wonder if he will be back. Not sure how old your son is on 2nd thought the content of the rest of the show might not be for kids.

[Karren H]

I taped that episode and haven't watched it yet.... glad you gave me a heads up.... the wife can get upset when certain subjects come up.... Beau??? a TS??

[Rebecca Jayne]

A lot of what is commonly known about Cross Dressing is from TV and Movies for The Good The Bad and The Ugly of it.
I think that's 1 reason its hard to get people to understand us , is the only way they see it is in the media, not real life.

Maybe now that you have at least broken the ice with your son he will eventually discover that you are no different sexually that you were before.

The Closer episode was good, Beau looked pretty good. I think the show has a pretty good handle on real life situations, all aspects. Even my wife took it in stride, without comments or snickering.

Happy Holidays

[Allsteamedup]

Do you ever get the feeling that you went about this the wrong way...?
Top talking point between father and son, as your father I love you, no matter what, and the life of this family is secure.
The key player in this transaction was actually your wife, his mother. Let me explain.
You say this middle son (age unspecified, but absolutely crucial: if about adolescence any question about sexuality is important to him) often discusses your cross-dressing with his mother. Do you know the substance of these discussions?
Do you understand just how strong the peer group (your son's schoolfriends) are in any judgement? We bust a gut as parents, only to find that Joey's (uninformed) opinion counts for more than ours!
You seem far more concerned to stress to your son that you are not gay. Your son felt more secure discussing his concerns with his schoolfriends than he did with you. Did you not see an opportunity when your children discovered you dressed to reassure them that the family was still the same? Lost opportunity there.
So go back to your wife and explain that you have tried to discuss this with your son but no go. She will explain that much of this is to do with embarrassment; your son realises he's outed the family to the neighbourhood and feels torn between the schoolfriends' explanation and yours. You could try a three-way discussion or anything else she may suggest.
The bottom line is that your relationship with your son is more important than the differences between you.
Things could be worse. A 15yrs old male caller to a support line was distressed because, having discovered his father's cding recently, he could not understand why his mother had allowed it. (as he put it!) He was apopleptically angry with the mother and asked the female manning the helpline to explain it to him.....

[lavistaa62]

Did your son explain why he may feel you are in denial? It's interesting that he has gay friends which presumably he accepts but seems to feel the same trait in his father would be unacceptable. Is it his feelings about CD or homosexuals or his family that is under discussion? They seem to me to be three distinct topics. Do your son and yourself have a close relationship otherwise?

[AKAMichelle]

Do you ever get the feeling that you went about this the wrong way...?
Top talking point between father and son, as your father I love you, no matter what, and the life of this family is secure.
The key player in this transaction was actually your wife, his mother. Let me explain.
You say this middle son (age unspecified, but absolutely crucial: if about adolescence any question about sexuality is important to him) often discusses your cross-dressing with his mother. Do you know the substance of these discussions?
Do you understand just how strong the peer group (your son's schoolfriends) are in any judgement? We bust a gut as parents, only to find that Joey's (uninformed) opinion counts for more than ours!
You seem far more concerned to stress to your son that you are not gay. Your son felt more secure discussing his concerns with his schoolfriends than he did with you. Did you not see an opportunity when your children discovered you dressed to reassure them that the family was still the same? Lost opportunity there.
So go back to your wife and explain that you have tried to discuss this with your son but no go. She will explain that much of this is to do with embarrassment; your son realises he's outed the family to the neighbourhood and feels torn between the schoolfriends' explanation and yours. You could try a three-way discussion or anything else she may suggest.
The bottom line is that your relationship with your son is more important than the differences between you.
Things could be worse. A 15yrs old male caller to a support line was distressed because, having discovered his father's cding recently, he could not understand why his mother had allowed it. (as he put it!) He was apopleptically angry with the mother and asked the female manning the helpline to explain it to him.....

My kids found out because I forgot to completely remove mascara one day when I went to their house while my wife and I were separated. My wife helped me remove the rest of the mascara and told me not to discuss it with the boys. She would do it. That was my mistake. She took control of the situation and her non-acceptance got transferred to them. My wife even worries that I might be a closet gay or a lesbian in a man's body. At least that what she said last night.

That is what makes it so frustrating. You tell people what is going on and how you feel and they ignore it. They see something more which you completely told them was untrue. I suspect that my wife is controlling the way my boys feel about it because she is so unaccepting.

Even though coming out to my family wasn't very smooth or well planned. I have no regrets. I was tired of hiding myself from my family. I don't need their accepance to accept myself. Accepting me was the hardest part. Now I no longer hide who I am. I just don't dress around them. In fact I haven't dressed but a few stolen hours in the last 8 months.

[andrea35]

Hello Michelle, since I'm not out of the closet and think I will never be, I can only imaging your frustration. in my case my wife actually is my problem, she found out a couple of years back when she looked into the history of my computer. It was a very painful experience for me and for her, she said that she always has felt that I was different even in our love making. that I was more like a girl always wanting to be caress and that some times she felt that she was arguing with a girlfriend and not a husband. I never new this, I told her about the good things I do and how far outweigth it my imperfections, I told her that changing was very hard for me because I have been this way since I was little. I stop CD for a while, but the need for me is too strong, I like to feel like a woman even if is only in my imagination. So I don't know why I'm telling you all this because it doesn't help you with your problem but you have my support. I guess your son will eventually have to decide if your CD is acceptable all you can do for now is to educate him and show him a lot of love and afection.

[AKAMichelle]

Did your son explain why he may feel you are in denial? It's interesting that he has gay friends which presumably he accepts but seems to feel the same trait in his father would be unacceptable. Is it his feelings about CD or homosexuals or his family that is under discussion? They seem to me to be three distinct topics. Do your son and yourself have a close relationship otherwise?

For many years my wife has controlled the relationships I have had with my kids. She coddles them when I try to discipline my kids. This has been because I am an authoritian and don't take crap. I make my kids tow the line and unfortunately my middle one has been the problem child. She tells him how they are so much alike. She constantly lets the boys know that the oldest is just like me. My wife kept telling me that my son confided in her about his lifestyle and that she believed him. She kept trying to get me to back off of him when I suspected that something was bad wrong with my kid.

So 2 years ago I found out he was on drugs. Not just pot, but cociane, LSD, mushrooms and X. I went ballistic. I told my wife to get out of the way because this was between my son and me. She kept running block, but eventually he finally admitted to what he was doing and he began to turn his life around. Today he has gotten off the drugs, doesn't drink very much anymore, and almost quit smoking cigarettes and my son and I talk on a regular basis. He even has gotten a full time job until he proves that he is ready for college before I pay for his tuition. That is something I have done to all of my kids. If you want to go to college then I give them a goal to complete and when they complete it then I begin paying for their college.

I am currently working on talking with my son more and removing the wife from the picture. She has interferred enough in my relationship with my kids. I have no idea if my middle son will ever accept this about me, but maybe through my actions he will learn that I am who I say I am.

[brookalicious]

Michelle

You have to forgive people sometimes -- we live in a society in which you're either "in" or your "out." Gay or straight... no in between. Consequently, when you dress (a clearly feminine act) then this directly correlates to the effiminate behavior of gay men.

I had this very same problem with my wife for years. It was a subject that we never broached, and there was nothing I could do or say to alleviate her fears. Finally, within the past year, we became good friends with quite a few members of the gay community (some hot, some not.) It took them hitting on me and me turning them down repeatedly for her to get it.

I hope things work out for you and your sons. If it were me, I'd call them all into a room and have a serious pow wow with them. But I come from a military family, so that was how we did everything, with General Dad heading up the briefing.

Good luck..

[AKAMichelle]

Hello Michelle, since I'm not out of the closet and think I will never be, I can only imaging your frustration. in my case my wife actually is my problem, she found out a couple of years back when she looked into the history of my computer. It was a very painful experience for me and for her, she said that she always has felt that I was different even in our love making. that I was more like a girl always wanting to be caress and that some times she felt that she was arguing with a girlfriend and not a husband. I never new this, I told her about the good things I do and how far outweigth it my imperfections, I told her that changing was very hard for me because I have been this way since I was little. I stop CD for a while, but the need for me is too strong, I like to feel like a woman even if is only in my imagination. So I don't know why I'm telling you all this because it doesn't help you with your problem but you have my support. I guess your son will eventually have to decide if your CD is acceptable all you can do for now is to educate him and show him a lot of love and afection.

You brought up one of the most frustrating things about relationships between a Cd'er and an unaccepting wife. The wife likes the fact that you understand this part of her, but they question you about being a girl fulltime.

A while back when "Bride Wars" was at the theater, I took my wife to the movie. I was the only guy in the movie of about 20 women. Some of the women told my wife how lucky she was to have a husband come see the movie with her. When she told me, I told her to tell them that if they would date a crossdresser then maybe they could be lucky too. My wife liked the fact that I went to the movie with her, but I am not masculine enough.

I have finally decided that they must like the way teenage guys treat them. Teenage guys ignore them and run off with their buddies while doing guy things. Women will only get the guys attention when he is ready for sex.

It must be true because when we are sensitive and understanding, we get tagged as feminine. They complain because we aren't masculine enough. I guess subconsciencly they like the players who are not ever going to settle down. I guess we really do speak different lanaguages. I don't understand any of this.

[brookalicious]

The wife likes the fact that you understand this part of her, but they question you about being a girl fulltime.
My wife liked the fact that I went to the movie with her, but I am not masculine enough.


A-****ING-MEN

I said the same thing to my wife, and we were at an impasse until I sat her down, and said "what is the trait that you desire most in a man?" And she said "confidence." Confidence in this case is truly masculine.

Then I brought up the girlie movies I went to, and took shit from my friends. I mentioned the she and I both enjoy decorating together. I reminded her that I buy 75% of her clothes, and I'm not afraid of what people think about it.

All of these are displays of confidence. Don't discount all of the other traits because of one that you don't understand.

Either way, Michelle, try to be patient. The only reason people build walls is when they have to defend themselves from something. But those kind of walls are never permanent. Keep talking to her, and forgive her, and focus on where she's coming from as well. She didn't know anything about your dressing before you got hitched, did she? So there's alot being asked of her as well.



Good luck.

[Krista1985]

I remember being a kid.

My dad was my hero and I followed him around everywhere when he was home. Ball-games, fixing things you name it.

But then right around 11 or 12, I started to be embarrassed by my father. All kids are. I'm sure your son is just at that stage. If instead of catching you in mascara, he caught you dressed like a ninja, fighting terrorists with a katana and a flame thrower, he probably would have rolled his eyes and said, 'lame!' all the same. I kid of course.

So don't beat yourself up over it. You can't win some games.

[MissKara]

Wow, Thats hard Michelle. But atleast you have us here to help :hugs:

I have to say, contrary to what most of the previous people have said, I never looked upto my father. My father was a sevre alcaholic who was pretty rough. From a very young age I decided "I am not going to be like him" and started to model my life around no-one, instead I followed the oppisate to what my dad did.

I dont drink and dont smoke. Probally the only thing we have in common (Asside from the fact that my DNA is mostly his) is that he is bi, and most people conside my gay/bi when they first find out about Kara.

What probally strained out relationship the most was when my mother was about to leave him and he found out that I had known this for about a week. I didnt tell him because I didnt want to get into the middle.

The night my father found out he started drinking heavily (My dad drank heavily to begin with, but in this instance I reckon he was trying to drink himself into oblivion). Later that night after we had all gone to bed, I heard my father talking to my mother in bed (Our rooms were only a few metres apart.

It was his usual ramblings, except it had a slant towards my mum leaving him. Then he said the words that to this day I have no forgiven him for. I know people say "Oh, he was drunk. He didnt mean it"... Yes, He was drunk but I have the belief that even though he was drunk he had to have it in his head to say



Tell Karl in the morning that I don't love him


(Now I have to say, I am not a violent person. I hate to raise my voice, I have never thrown a punch or anything.)

The second I heard that my heart sank and my brain decided it was going on a 12 week holiday. I got up out of bed, stormed to the threshold of their room and said to him "Why can't you tell me that your self you f***ing c***?" then stormed off and locked myself into the computer room, the only place I felt safe.

Since then the relationship has been very sparse. I dont speak to him that much, nor do I want to. Over the years he has tried to win me back with money and presents, but as I say to him every single time "You forfitted my love for you when you said you dont love me. It took years for that love to be there, and you threw it all away. I don't know if I can ever love you again Dad". I know that is a bit harsh but I dont feel he is my father, and I havnt for years.

Sorry to type that wall of text but I had to say it just to say that not everyone looks upto their fathers.

With your son, I know from experience that friends typically are more right than parents when they encounter something strange about their parents that they dont understand, thus why he doesnt really want to talk to you about it.

One thing that comes to mind is to see if your wife could talk to him about it. Sometimes a talk from another person (Not the one who the child could see a different) could make all the difference.

Wow, I never intended that to be a wall of text :P Sorry Girls :love:

Lots of Love,
Miss Kara