Been a while

[Sarahgurl371]

Hi all. I havent been here in a while. So much has happened since I was last here. And I am more confused, and well.. isolated than ever. Not physically mind you. I am doing my best to get out and be social, just mentally. I feel really just alone. I think that is the last thing I want in my life. Ihave thought about you all many times, but have avoided coming here. But today I find myself back. Looking for answers.

Well here is an update. I started dressing about 6 or 7. Dont know why. Turned erotic in my teens. Continued that way thru my twenties and early thirties. Then I started wanting something more from it. A feeling of completeness, fullness. Starting dressing completely, makeup, grew my hair, started seeing a therapist, etc. My wife couldnt or wouldnt deal with it. I wanted very much to keep Tammy in a box. Only allowing small opportunties, to contain this. I dreamed of being free to dress whenever I wanted, to go out, to meet others, to explore. All the while hating myself for this. Trying to confine it to just a sexual thing I thought would help, But I always felt cheapened because of the sexual feelings, feeling worse about myself actually.

My therapist and my wife were definitely pulling in two different directions. I made a vow to her, and would not have ever split over this. In the end, she did some things that I cannot overlook, and trying to believe I was worth more than that, made the decision to divorce. I still am blaming myself for her behavior, thinking that I drove her to it.

Shortly after starting that process I met a very attractive woman, with a couple of kids. We kinda clicked right away and began a very serious relationship. Dressing stopped. I knew that it may come back. I am a very serious person, and realizing what had happened to my marriage, and what was at stake with her and her kids, decided to tell her about my dressing, even showing her some pictures, early on. To my relief, she was okay about things. I quit seeing my therapist, deciding that it was the lack of intimacy that was driving my desires to transition, or allow myself to buy into the TG diagnosis. I was extremely happy with this new relationship. Enjoying a family atmosphere, a woman who seemed to be okay with alternative sexuality. Then my divorce turned toxic.

My ex decided to list in the papers all about my dressing, blaming me for our problems. Being so open and honest I told my new love everything, so naturally I told her of my ex's intent. That was the last time I spoke with my new love. See ended things rather abruptly, without explanation. Needless to say I was devistated. She has even gone as far as telling people about me, completely violating my trust in her. Even telling my brother and SIL. People in my community who I have known for years, now know. I have always worried about what other's think, so this was a pretty serious blow. Least it didnt kill me.

Now I have been alone for 10 months. Live on my own. Cut my hair, grew my moustache and goatee back. Hadnt dressed in months. One night an old friend came to visit. His wife knew something was wrong. To say the least.. I was contemplating suicide. I am so glad that he came over that night. In the end I told him of my issues. Worrying that I would end a life long friendship. I just needed for him to know. He was kinda floored to say the least. But in the end has remained a friend. I am so thankful for that.

He and his wife invited me for dinner one evening. After dinner his wife started to talk to me, and knowing that she is intuitive, I knew where this conversation was headed. She proceeded to tell me things about myself that I have never told anyone, except my therapist. we discussed my "fetish", and all the old emotional issues I have. Even stuff about my childhood. All the while my oldest friend sitting there in disbelief. When talk turned to the why she brought up a very interesting point and I guess the subject of the post.... WHY?

She told me of how my mother and I never bonded as a mother and son. That I was veiwed by mother as a replacement or second, for my father. This seems very plausible to me looking back. She told me that I am not homosexual, something I have wondered about since forever. She told me that I was not abused by my mother sexually, something I have also wondered about in comtemplating the why this exists. This was a very draining evening for me, here is all this stuff I have worried others would know about me, and she knew it all. "My God... how many other people I have met have read this about me?" I wondered.

Show now at 38, I am trying to figure things out. I mean what she told me sounds like so classic transvestic fetishism. Ive started dressing again. I miss my hair, want to make some changes to my body, hair removal etc. so that when I dress i look more female. Buying clothes again. Wearing perfume even. Wanting so badly to find a women I can be honest with, share this with, find the love and intimacy I so badly crave. Being afraid to tell her all this. Figuring I will be alone forever now.

My thoughts often turn to the TG community. Wishing I had the courage to meet someone. To go to a support group. To explore. Why do I feel so elated when dressed like this? All the while being petrified. Knowing I would hate myself for not controlling this. For allowing it to grow. How would I deal with the knowledge in my "normal" life of what I am doing in my "private" life?

I am sorry this is so long. I am not looking for sympathy. I have read many stories of the lives of TG/TS folk and know that mine isnt that bad. Im just hoping that someone somewhere will be able to make sense of what I feel, and maybe offer something to help me understand what the hell is wrong with me? Am I a fetishist? A sex addict? A transgendered person? A transexual?

For now I am hoping that I can contain Tammy again. That I wont be pushed to explore and make changes that intrude on what the 'normal" guy wants. I cant even stand the name Tammy anymore. There is so much shit associated with it.

Anyway, thanks for the chance to vent.

[GypsyKaren]

Tammy, I'm glad that you're at least still breathing, I had been worried about you because it's been a long time. We've been through this a zillion times so I'm not going to rehash the past, instead I'm just going to toss out a couple of things and let them land where they may.

Try listening to yourself instead of others, the only thing you need your old friend to tell you is tomorrow's lottery numbers...let her analyze her husband, that's his job.

Stop thinking about what you are, think about who you are, and get rid of the notion that whoever you are is bad or not "normal"...as a matter of fact, don't ever use that word again.

Quit chasing your tail, pick a direction and try it for a bit, the world won't end and there's no laws against changing your mind or way and trying something else...you're miserable now and have been for a long time, so what have you got to lose?

Tammy, I love you to death and always have, I just want you to finally find some peace and happiness, but it's not going to fall out of the sky in front of you, you have to take chances and go out and find it.

Karen :g1:

[Faith_G]

It sounds like you need some sympathy even though you aren't asking for it. :hugs: You're hurting, not just from the dissonance in your head, but also from the rejection and betrayal you received at the hands of people you loved and trusted. I don't blame you for feeling so sad and alone. :hugs:

I have spent years wondering why and running from this and I'm not any closer to knowing why. You and I are the way we are, we can't change this part of our being. I've tried, you've tried, and it never made either of us any happier. Things got a lot better for me when I stopped worrying about "why" and started doing the things that made me feel good about myself.

Nobody else can tell you if you are a woman or a man inside, you are the only one who can know for sure. A therapist can help you ask the right questions, but only you can supply the answers. Your friend's wife means well but she is not qualified to tell you who you are, only you can do that.

Going to a CD support group was a turning point in my self-discovery. Listening to those guys talk, I learned what I am not. And when I got the opportunity to talk to a few trans women, I fully understood who I was. If you can work up the courage to go to a support group that deals with gender issues I think you will learn a lot about yourself. You can go dressed as a guy, you know. I got all dressed up for the CD meeting I went to and found I was hugely outnumbered. :heehee:

The fear is a toughie. I am still a little scared every time I turn the doorknob. But I refuse to allow the fear to control me, I wasted too much time being controlled by fear. Everybody is scared at first, but I hear it gets better.

Do something that makes you happy today, and tomorrow, and the next day. It will all add up to a direction. :hugs:

[Sharon]

I've thought of you more than once myself, Tammy. I'm happy to finally "see" you again. :hugs:

It's not an easy thing to have to deal with such significant negative reactions by loved ones (or those we thought were loved ones) simply because we need to be honest about ourselves. It's unfair and painful beyond description. But I'm happy that your friend and his wife are still friends of yours, though don't jump too quick to believe that the wife may know what she's talking about. Then again she may -- I can't say.

Anyhoo, be strong, be in peace, and if you are ever anywhere close to eastern Iowa, just give me a buzz so I can hug you in person. :love:

[Sheila]

Tammy, having read your post I can honestly say I hear your pain and confusion. Having family and friends reject you and your beliefs is real tough, but so far you have survived and that is good :):hugs:

Can I suggest instead of seeking all the answers all at one, that you concentrate on one or two things at a time ............. looking at the big picture is sometimes helpful, but sometimes we have to take our eye of it, to make progress and instead concentrate on the little pieces (bit like doing a jigsaw )
:hugs:

[melimelo]

Oh Tammy,

I totally relate to what you're going through. It's even harder due to the fact your ex was mean to you. But at the core, you have to resolve your issue otherwise they'll keep on haunting you all your life.

My own turning point was 6 weeks spent totally without my wife and kids. I could "dress 'til I drop" and it was then that I understood that, for me, it was not wearing the clothes that made me happy but being and living in them. I remember washing dishes and vacuum cleaning the house, all dressed, and I was grinning stupid the whole time.

Being alone at this point of your life could allow you to explore your crossdressing to its limits and really understand what it means for you. Life is too short to drag (no pun intended...) such a weight.

Take care of yourself, you are the most important person in your life.

Cheers,

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Wow Tammy!!! Remember me??? we chatted way back and I remember you going through relationship and kids issues....

when we talked i cant exactly remember,,,but forums like this helped me build confidence and learn to relate to people better as Kate (of Michele,,,heh)....

i do know that back when we shared emails that i had no idea i would be here years later and living as Kaitlyn!!!

I hope you send me a note and we can chat sometime>...i got ALOT out of sharing experience with you....

your post is saying helpme and that's totally ok...the nature of what we go thru is that sometimes is just ramps up and up....and "staying the same" is not sustainable...i'm being careful what i say....when that thinking never stops and you start resenting or simply not caring about a male life, you have to do SOMETHING>..

KAren is so right...make a move..do something you havent done and see how it feels to you...i have seen your pics...you look great and know how to dress...you can do it

meeting people changed my life...and if you met some folks you would get so much wonderful feedback...

i hope you stay around
all the best
kaitlyn michele