How Well has the wife taken the news that your a Crossdresser

[thechic]

Told my wife last night that I have a Problem
She did not take this Well.

At lest I will have time to my Self:sad:

Geneva

http://www.flickr.com/photos/44936757@N07/

[Destiny]

At least she now knows, move VERY slowly and choose your opportunities to advance wisely hun, moving too fast at this point could be devistating to your relationship. My advice is to back off now, give her a little time to get used to the idea and let her know that the reason you came out to her is because you didnt want any secrets between the two of you.

[Sheila]

Told my wife last night that I have a Problem
She did not take this Well.

What do you mean you told your wife you had a problem ? what did you say to her ? and how did you respond to it ?

[Sandra]

I little more info may help us to give oyu some support and advise.

[Shelly Preston]

Sorry to hear it did not go well. Unfortunately I think your opening line may have set the tone

Telling her its a problem would not help

Hopefully she will be willing to discuss it a bit more but dont try and go to quick. She will need time to digest the news. Please read the link in my signature on "telling your partner". The link should give you some good information which might help.

[Karren H]

I don't think I would have phrased this as a "problem"?? Maybe an issue..... Or a secret.. Or a secret issue... It wasn't pretty when my wife found out either. Lots of screaming and crying and carying on.. She was pretty pissed too!!

[Daintre]

I agree that more information is needed so that we can respond ....but I do have a question and that is ...Why would you want to tell your wife at Christmas? You were not up front when you two married so why now and not into the new year? I think for most SO's they need time to mull over what is told to them. Don't you think this will cast a cloud over the holiday season?

[tricia_uktv]

The girls are right, you haven't got a problem. All may not be lost however but it will take time. You've changed your SO's life remember. Hope it works out. Hugs

[Joanne f]

Geneva,
would you like to give us some more information because when you say that you will now have more time sounds like your wife has taken it very badly and it may help her if she could communicate with someone about it , and it also sounds like it has upset you as well .

[Leigh58]

Please do not lose heart. I did not take it well when my husband first told me, either. The key has been education and communication. Find everything out you can about CD, TG, etc. so that you can discuss it together. Also, be really patient with her. This takes time to process and it isn't easy for us GGs!:) You've known about this part of you for a long time. She just found out, and if she's like a lot of women, she probably had no idea that straight men ever even thought of wearingwomen's clothes! That's the way it was for me.

When my husband and I treated his CDing like a "problem" we got nowhere. It is part of who he is. :hugs:

[sandra-leigh]

She did not take this Well.

At lest I will have time to my Self:sad:


It sounds like you are hinting that she has indicated she wishes to separate or even divorce? If so, I'm sorry to hear that, and hope things work out once she has had some time to think things over.

To answer the question posed by your title: my wife found a pair of my breast forms and figured out what they were and that they were mine and the basic fact that I cross-dressed. She was upset and came up and asked me to hold her tight, but didn't say way (leaving me to guess about what she knew and what she found.) Then she didn't say anything at all on the topic for about 3 months, "processing" the idea, before she asked me why the forms were there. I didn't deny, I didn't act ashamed, I didn't get defensive... we talked, and talked more. She indicated she wasn't sure she would be able to handle seeing me dressed, but she also (to this day) never asked me to stop nor even asked me to keep it inside the house: instead, she expressed concern about my safety, that I should be careful when I go out.

Her comfort with my dressing and with my TG identity has waffled greatly, sometimes within short periods. She has, for example, actively participated in buying me makeup, given me some, even tried some out on me on occasion -- but she gets uncomfortable in seeing me dressed and wearing makeup... so makeup is okay intellectually for her, but not so okay for her emotionally, when she actually sees me dressed with it. Her expression of the situation at this time is that "It's very confusing to have a partner who dresses in woman's clothes!"... but she actively likes some of the tops and earrings I wear, "Oh, so cute!", "That's very nice", "You have better taste than I do." Confusion all around. On the whole, she would prefer... ummm, not that I would go back to the way I was before, but rather that I continued to take care of my appearance and wear nice male clothes... but panties would probably still be okay, colourful ones, Kitty-chan even, as long as they weren't frilly or see-through or nylon (because nylon ones don't breathe properly and aren't healthy for you.) {Ummm, did I mention the confusion all around? :o )

[kayfan]

my wife gave me the boot when she found out..could have understood if i had her gear on when she caught me... but never looked back can be kay every night now:)

[thechic]

Hi there

The problem is im a crossdresser, Its not actulay a problem to me because i enjoy it so much and cant stop.Trouble is its merging into my main life.
but as Discussed in another post (STOP CROSSDRESSING) i decided to tell my wife over a wine, as i was getting sick of the lies and secret life,it made me feel like cheeting.
She didnt take it well and flu into a rage and has left for several day to think about it:sad:

So I would like to know how any other partners have taken the news when you have told them about being a crossdresser TS or other

bye
Geneva


http://www.flickr.com/photos/44936757@N07/

[KateW]

I think of it more as something that makes me a bit more unique then other guys. I told my wife very gradually over a number of years, as if we were discovering it together. I only told her recently that I've been doing it since I was a young child. I think telling them everything can be overwhelming. The key for me was to reinforce that I am still the man she fell in love with, and part of that personality is the female side. I would be a completely different person where it not for that side of me.

I wish you the best of luck with your wife. Take it slow, and let her know that you are still you. And it isn't a problem. Its an opportunity.

Kate xxx

[Vanessa5]

My wife knew before we were married that I liked to wear lingerie. After we were married the urge to dress left for a little while. It came back and progressed to now wanting to look entirely like a woman. She recently found one of my sweaters (it's cold here in MN) and the proverbial cat is out of the bag. So far she has been OK with it. No one is to know until she processes her emotions and I am fine with that. After the holidays we are going to counseling. I hope that over time she understands that this is who I am (still the same person she married). After reading some of the posts here I am thankfull that it wasn't too big a shock to her. Hope this helps you.

[Leslie Langford]

Hi there

The problem is im a crossdresser, Its not actulay a problem to me because i enjoy it so much and cant stop.Trouble is its merging into my main life.
but as Discussed in another post (STOP CROSSDRESSING) i decided to tell my wife over a wine, as i was getting sick of the lies and secret life,it made me feel like cheeting.
She didnt take it well and flu into a rage and has left for several day to think about it:sad:

So I would like to know how any other partners have taken the news when you have told them about being a crossdresser TS or other

bye
Geneva


http://www.flickr.com/photos/44936757@N07/


Geneva,

What you now have to deal with is a reality that many of us CDers were initially in denial about when we first came out to our SO's and others, and that is the fact that in doing so, our "problem" suddenly became their "problem" as well. We have usually had years to come to terms with this side of ourselves - for them, it is often a major, unexpected bombshell and uncharted territory.

Some SO's don't see this as such a huge deal; others have a really difficult time coping with the news, given all of the negativity that society has burdened our particular lifestyle with (although that is gradually diminishing as more of us come out into the open).

As others here have said, what you now need to do is give your SO some time and space to get her head around this announcement. My suspicion is that if she truly loves you, she will eventually come to terms with it. You have shown great honesty in divulging this deep, dark secret to her, and shown her how much you trust her in the process. That will gain you a number of points in the "plus" column as a starting point. What you now need to do is give her time to digest this new development and take "baby steps" only as you reveal more of this side of you. You also need to be twice the "man" you were for her beforehand to show her that this is still an integral part of your being, even as you work towards letting the "inner girl" emerge from her prison.

I hope all goes well for you in the end; this is not the time of year to be alone with your thoughts :hugs:.

[Brandi Wyne]

It sounds like it's not going well for you. I'm sorry to hear that. We all want acceptance and esp. from those close to us i.e. parents, siblings, spouse, etc. You are very brave to bare your soul that way.

XXs,

[Joanne f]

First of all my wife was in disbelief as she had never heard of it be for , then it was , i will try to cope with it , then it was , i cannot cope with this ( but that had more to do with outside interference), then it was , i will put up with it as long as you are in another room so that i do not see it , then my wife said this is silly you being in a different room , and from then onwards it has been complete acceptance , but i never pushed the issue yet i was lucky enough that my wife could see how much it use to get at me .
So things can change but it just takes time and a lot of understanding on both sides.
Talk to your wife and ask her what her fears and concerns are and see what you can work out between you both .

[SuzanneBender]

I think of it more as something that makes me a bit more unique then other guys...The key for me was to reinforce that I am still the man she fell in love with, and part of that personality is the female side. I would be a completely different person where it not for that side of me.

How you approached the situation doesn't matter now. The genie (and a cute one I might add) is out of the bottle.

Kate’s words above are the key to eventual acceptance. I told my wife after 13 years of marriage and trust me it didn't go well at first. After four years she has grown to realize that some of her favorite things about me are my feminine traits. I had a good friend who is gay explain to me that we owe our loved ones as my time to come to terms with who we are as it took us to accept ourselves. I think that is so true.

I am sorry your stepping out of the closet with your wife went rough. She will either come back and work towards acceptance or you will move on. You no longer have to live with deceit hanging over your head and a world of new doors is about to open.

Hang in there girl.
:hugs:

[charlie]

Hello Geneva!
My wife found out about me about three months ago. The tears are not flowing as fast as before and I hear that "I'm not normal" about half as much. I do not think she is leaving me this week, but a round of hostility is still just around the corner. I've also been told that she does not want another woman in the house, it is like I'm having an affair (albeit with myself), it would be better if she heard I was a drunk or gambler.....it is all bad. I have told her that I would stop immediately if I could. I just cannot say that I can or will. We have both gone to see a counselor, but it does little good. Some wives just cannot handle their husbands dressing in woman's clothes. My shattered wife is one of them.

[sherri52]

Tread softly until she has time to recoup her thoughts. If she loves you she may make room for the chic, but it will take time.

[KarenCDFL]

I told my wife way before we married and that way she had time to learn about it and think about if we were going to have a future.

We have anniversary # 14 coming up next month and for the holidays she bought me a bunch of gorgeous lingerie and makeup items hoping that she could borrow them once in awhile!

I hope that you two will be able to work things out. Just give it time and if you can, steer her toward the Forum and any other information you can. Cross dressing seems to becoming almost a majority these days Knowledge is definitely a plus in a situation like this.

[daviolin]

Hang in there girl. I came out to my wife this year, and its been a up and down thing since april. I could tell you a lot of things. It would take to long here. Send me a private message and I can help you however I can. Believe me I care. We need all the support we can get. flickr.com/photos/daviolin

[sherryleigh]

Last year my girlfriend had apparently found some of my pics on my computer. She dumped me then but we were basically going nowhere anyway. So far and only as far as I know she has told no one about that. It's hard to talk about....

Sherry

[Marcie4you]

What's a "wife"? :)

[Allsteamedup]

Dear Geneva
You posted last week how you felt overcome by the amount of your life you were giving over to your female self, how physical changes you were making were noticeable and your wife was hinting as much...
She will have been suspicious about what she told you she could see, the electrolysis (or was it laser?) and other changes you did little to conceal. The problem with suspicion is that it grows and coupled with your wife taking all the responsiblilty for your little ones, she's probably emotionally worn out.
There is an excellent thread at the top of the page about coming out to your partner, and the stages of acceptance they go through and how they might get there. Take a look.
If you can recapture your level of care and support for your family, which should have been there all along, she may well reach a place where she can feel more secure about herself,which is necessary before she can process what you have told her.
It is a pity that you presented this as a problem. What your wife will process first is the your deception. Next to suspicion, this is hard for women to live with. Some understanding on your part of the emotional distress she is suffering would be a starting point for you. You will need to make a big effort to rebuild trust, which comes from what you do, not what you say.
Keep writing. We are here.

[Joanne f]

What's a "wife"? :)

One of those things that looks after you when you are ill , does the cooking,cleaning, ironing, washing up, house work ,laundry and go`s out to work , ( that reminds me, i must get one of those) :heehee:

[DAVIDA]

WOW! I didn't know that I'm a wife!

[paulaluvssz8]

My wife didn't take the news so great.... It's been around 7 years ago now. And she still avoids anything near the topic.

[christinek]

I told, showed my wife just after our 15th wedding anniversary and she was shaken at first but now she is all over it.

She worried at first if it made her a lesbian and such.

[melissacd]

I am separated from her now, need I say more about how well she took ;)

Okay I will say more. Everyone is different so what happens in your case will be as unique as what happened in my case. I told my ex after being together for almost 15 years. She did not take it well and the first year after I told her she would barely speak to me. I tried talking to her but she would have none of it. Eventually we reached a dysfunctional normalcy that lasted until 2004 when my father died and I needed to bring the white elephant out of the closet because I was very unhappy. I created a binder of all sorts of articles to help her understand (she did not look at them), I got some books for her to read (she did not read them), I found GGs who were willing to talk to her (she would not talk to them) and we went to marriage counselling in 2006 and later again in 2007. I finally got the hint, after almost 25 years together, that her problem with my cross dressing would never go away when she said (during relationship therapy) "I do not want to be with a man who is less than a man", which was followed by her telling me she wanted out of the relationship.

In the end, as much as I tried to bring her along on this journey, it was a journey she was not willing to take. It was very sad at the time because I loved her dearly, but in the end she just could not adapt and I realized I could not stop being me. I realized it was pointless to continue after all this time to try and fix what could not be fixed. So I moved on.

It has been a struggle over these past few years and I have made many stupid mistakes in the process, but it was the right thing to do. Each of us has what we can live with and each of us realized that what we could live with no longer included each other.

If there was any lesson for me in all of this it was first and foremost you must be true to yourself for only then can you be a really good partner in a relationship. If they can accept you just as you are and if you have common ground and mutual love then you have someone you can be happy with for the rest of your life.

I wish you the best of luck in your situation.

Huggs
Melissa

[MWCMDarlene]

Revealed what she had been wondering about to her about 10 or so years ago. We have been married a little more than 23 years now. Her reaction was that she doesn't want to have anything to do with it and that she would pray every day for me to stop and give it up until I do. We don't talk about it except when she gets very angry or disappointed with me about something, especially if it has to do with my professional life not going too well, then she says that my work professionally will never get any better until I stop and give it up.

[MJ]

she's my ex now the judge gave her the planet and i have to pay for it...
well you did ask.

[AmiFL]

My wife thought it was "cute" the night I showed her how I looked dressed. But that was after alot of wine together. The next day she did not react well at all..... She still throws in in my face when we fight and at one point outed me to my teenage son. It is not very pretty.

Now I have to live my "Other Life" here as I am very much in the closet.

BTW, your are beautiful!

[sfwarbonnet]

Mine ridicules my wearing women's clothes, although she bought me most of them. I underdress when we go out, and wear uncovered pantyhose and a slip at home. (She said to wear what I wanted - and I do) She doesn't now want me to impersonate a woman. I'm pushing with baby steps, but for now it's no bra when I'm with her. All my women's clothes have a raison d'etre, and she seems to accept that. I hope to get out en femme with her in my lifetime

[PanteeQueen]

Very mixed emotions here. She says she O.K. with it, but gets upset when I mention it.

[WandaRae2009]

I came out to my wife almost 2 years ago after over 20 years of mariage.

It was extremely rough the first few weeks, so I suggested that we see a counselor that specializes in such issues. Most local support groups will have a list of counselors. We chose one that was almost an hour away so there was little chance of running into someone that we knew. Was even covered by insurance. Most are descreet as to the diagnosis and treatment codes.

She understands that I just can't quit and the desires/need to crossdress are real.

She is paranoid that someone we know will find out and that will ruin our lives. She made me promise never to post pictures on the internet. She still wants nothing to do with Wanda and wishes she would just go away. It seems that I have been more careless lately. Leaving thing in the dryer or out where she can see them, and she has a flare up of unaccepting. More like out of site out of mind. I think I keep trying just to test if the acceptance level is improving.

[Ashley Williams]

....but I do have a question and that is ...Why would you want to tell your wife at Christmas? You were not up front when you two married so why now and not into the new year? I think for most SO's they need time to mull over what is told to them. Don't you think this will cast a cloud over the holiday season?

I also told my wife around this time of the year because the tension had built up so much since that summer, I didn't feel I had much of a choice. It can be a very stressful time for lots of reasons, so the clouds can be, and were in our case, pretty plentiful anyway.

That was 2 years ago, and we are still kicking along - just - but it could still go either way. My dressing is not the only challenge, though. Unemployment and financial worries, plus the occasional health issue to leaven the mix have made it a pretty dreadful time all round.

I have attached the link to the response that was published in one of our national Sunday newspapers to my writing in. Pretty level-headed, and still probably the most rounded response I have received. You will see I also posted it earlier in the year as a thread - so the posts there may also give you a broader picture of how others have managed.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2008/feb/17/familyandrelationships

Hope that your wife's thoughts will return to the positive reasons for your being together - and that the challenges you now face will find you both stronger in the end.

Hugs

Paula xxx

[Sully]

Oh, very well, she really gets turned on!!!:battingeyelashes:

[Carroll]

I am beginning to think my wife is the only one here that didn't freak out. I told here on our first date and she was cool with the idea of it. She didn't see Carroll until about 2 years after we were married. She had a good laugh when she first saw me, told me I looked like a "Carroll" and that was pretty much it. It's been 11 years now.

[Michelle_NY]

Well, my wife knows and FREAKING hates my dressing. Is that a good enough answer to you gf? LOL LO Oh well, life goes on

[Evangeline]

Well i told the wife,but luckily i'm single.



(think about it)

[Sandra]

oDifferent wives take it differently, those that really have a hard time are those who have been told or found out after years of marriage. See to them they have been lied to, feel that their SO didn't trust them and then feel that thier SO expects them to be supportive and accepting, well it don't work like that.

I was told abut my SO 6 months after we got married, I didn't freak out, why? because she sat and talked to me about it, and listened to my concerns and worries.

[Kitty Sue]

My ex-fiance did not ever have an issue with it. We were together for a long time. She was always supportive. I ended the engagement, but not due to crossdressing. Anyway Napier lady I wish you all the best.

I suppose you could always by a crate of Tui and go hang out with some mates and get on the turps. Also Mahia is a great place for New Years if you are still by yourself. I feel for you, I really do.

[PretzelGirl]

Sandra hits it on the head. My wife has been along for all of my progression. She has been accepting all along understanding my wants and needs. And what I think always helped is I made sure I was understanding of her wants and needs.

[Jaydee]

A few months ago, after 33 years of marriage, and several years of "baby steps", including wearing plain panties, and her knowing that I wore pantyhose when she wasn't around, I finally came out to her on the full extent of my CDing. I can't say she took it well, but she didn't walk out the door or throw anything. We have talked a lot, and she will occassionally ask questions about it, in a non judgemental way. She was most upset with the idea that if I was part woman, then she must be part lesbian, which was very difficult for her.
At her suggestion, I saw a gender therapist(she didn't come). He basically confirmed what I knew already. She has since come to the theory that my CDing is an addiction. She feels she can understand and deal with it that way. I may not agree entirely, but I am not going to push the issue right now. She knows that it won't go away, but hopes it will. Still, I can't say she is accepting, more like trying to develop tolerance. I am trying not break any eggshells in the mean time. I love her very much and I can tell that she loves me despite the CDing. I think it will take her some more time.

Jaydee

[Amymonroe]

i told my wife on the day we got married that i did not want to keep any secrets from her and then preceded to tell her about my wanting to cd. she was a bit shy about it for a few minutes then she directed me off the highway to the nearest wal-mat and we went shopping for underwear for me. she did share this secret with her best friend and that was how she was able to cope with it. her firend even donated to the cause. and almost twelve years later we are still married. she still supports me to this day. i have come out to some people but now to any family yet...

amy

[Acadeca]

I told my wife way before we married and that way she had time to learn about it and think about if we were going to have a future.

We have anniversary # 14 coming up next month and for the holidays she bought me a bunch of gorgeous lingerie and makeup items hoping that she could borrow them once in awhile!


Karen, I'm glad to hear that your courage (in telling your wife BEFORE you married) was rewarded with an honest and loving marriage. I hope some young CDs on here will read this and decide they want the same thing.

[Raechel Marris]

Hello Geneva

I am sorry to hear that your breaking the news to your wife did not go well. I hope you and your wife can work things out. I told a woman that I was madly in love with that I like to dress up and as a result she did not like it too much. I have remained single since then and a recent female friend accepted what I do. I was once asked by my sister why I do it after finding my stuff in my room when I lived at home. I said to her that it helped me understand women better and that was it and no more was said after that. I am here to listen if you need to talk . Best wishes and huggs.

[sonia_dargency]

well - me coming out turned into a frantic domestic disaster.

for a year now, even the topic is off limit and the activity is deep underground.

but:
1) we had this kind of conflicts in the past for other reasons and they eventually solved
2) she does not grasp the concept of grey area - read: she is able to be fully committed but does not go through transitions.
3) I spent most of my life keeping to myself, being selfish, making wimpy compromises
that hurted her.
4) she loves me deeply and wants me, her and us to be happy
5) If CDing is not evoked, life is great.
6)I was like a kid expecting to be granted licence to eat in the candy factory, want it all right now. does not work like that, you have to earn sweetness. wives do earn it hard.

I think you properly choose your words, you have a problem, but it is not crossdressing

Sonia

[carolinoakland]

I agree, move very slowly and respect her boundries, let her set the tone. And there is no problem other than you've been alone with this, baby steps honey... Carol

[FireflyGG]

she has grown to realize that some of her favorite things about me are my feminine traits. I had a good friend who is gay explain to me that we owe our loved ones as my time to come to terms with who we are as it took us to accept ourselves. I think that is so true.

Very wise words indeed! Melissa and I were talking about this last night. Her femme side in combination with her male side is what makes her such an incredible person. It's why she understands me so well.

I think every partner goes through various stages of hurt, denial, adjustment, denial, adjustment, inquisitive, adjustment, avoidance, adjustment, acceptance. ;) And I hope that they do get to the end of the journey to find some sort of level of acceptance but it does take time. how much time is dependent on the two people involved.

I was supportive of melissa from the get go. As she says, I didn't just tolerate her, I embraced her. But I know I'm not the norm. I have gone through periods of insecurity about a few things concerning Melissa that happened before we were together but all it took was communication to clear things up. We dialogue very well together. The deal is always that I'm honest about the things I feel the need to ask and she's always honest with her answers.

Time, space, and communication are a good recipe for compromise, tolerance, and hopefully acceptance. Good luck to you. :hugs:

[thechic]

Hi there

Just a small note to let you know what was happing in my life.
The wife returned home on thursday and things are not going good at home sorry to say.
I went back home to my mothers for the xmas holidays as she had gone to my sisters for the christmas perid, had a car problem on the main road just going into town, pulled over to the side of the road and got out just as a cop was passing, he then turned around and pulled up behind my car and got out and offered a hand,(I was dumbfounded) he then asked for my name i replyed in my own voice ,so had a breath test and had my drivers licence checked.
Im quite worred what was said on the police radio as a lot of my friend and work colleges have scanners or access to police channels.
I then got to my mothers and my sister and partner geated me,this i didnt expect at all but it went well, had a long chat and she said she has know about me for years. she just didnt want to say anything,she even wants to take me out as she says it not wise to go out by your self.
so there you go

bye
Geneva

http://www.flickr.com/photos/44936757@N07/

[MinimmieCD]

My wife is okay with the panties as long as they do not look girly. She says that I can dress in my other things as long as I do it out of her view. She has gone out and bought things for me, but again when she does they are always black, brown, and white. I'm hoping she will get me a dress soon or go with me to buy one. She bought me spandex leggings the other day loved getting that surprise.

[AmandaM]

I told my wife before we got married. Once, a girlfriend outed me to all my friends, then I didn't have any friends. So, I decided to tell all women. If they didn't like it, or at least think it's okay, to hell with them. So, I told her, her response was, "So?". Meaning that that is who I am and she loves me, not the image of me.

[StaceyJane]

Well, my telling was a total disaster but not because of the crossdressing. I found out my wife had actually known for about a year and had already dealt with it and was waiting for me to feel okay in telling her.
Of course when I did come clean with my secret she came clean with hers.

We have a truce now and are working on some issues. Oddly enough she is okay with the crossdressing and I can hang my girl clothes up in the closet and talk openly about it. She just isn't ready to see me dressed.