Parents destroy me....

[Brooke Ashley]

Gah, i love my parents to death. I couldn't live without them. But, everyday it seems i have to hear about how bad gay's are or something along that line. Today on TV, two guys were kissing and all they could say, with anger in their voice, was "disgusting! how terrible! awful! wrong!" How can I ever come to believe they will accept me. Yeah, i know im their child, but i've had to hear these things for as long as i can remember. Having a bisexual best friend puts things in more perspective for me and i understand it all and accept it. Just don't see my parents ever coming to terms of acceptance, which just freaking kills me inside and leaves me in major depression.
Sorry for the long rant, needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening.
-Brooke

[sherri52]

It's a tough situation but you either have to live with it or come out to them. If you are an only child you have a much better chance of your parents trying to understand although they will try to get you into counciling.

[Cristi]

I think you should be proud of yourself for hearing these things from your parents for as long as you can remember and rising above the fear and hate.

Generation by generation, people become more tolerant. When people don't question WHY they think the way they do, things never change. You've managed to move forward, but it may be too much to hope for them to take that step as well.

It will ultimately be up to you to decide if you think they can grow beyond their intolerance and hate if you challenge them in some way. Sometimes all it takes is for them to be given some reason to think about their beliefs, but some people are too entrenched and will not be moved.

Good luck with whatever happens.

[MissAmy]

Yeah my mom does the same thing. I worry sometimes even though I'm straight.

[Kelly DeWinter]

This is one of the most interesting posts I've read in a long time. As a parent of college age kids I have the perspective of rememering how I reacted to different situations in my childerns past. While my Ex and I certainly did did not see eye to eye on everything, as parent we tried to present a united front whenever possible. There are actualy a number of views the may be comming from.

Public Parental view: when something happens or is said both parents react in what is generaly thought of as being in the 'best' interest of the childern usualy in line with their religous and/or public values they want people to know about. How they want their kids to act and behave in public.

Private Parental View: expressed in the form of how they want their kids to act and behave in the privacy of the home. This view may be slightly different then the Public view. Parents are generaly united in this view. Items such as acceptable bed time, what to watch on TV, Types of friends to have

Mothers Married View: May at time be different then Fathers Private View. Generaly the same for both parents, but may be different for specific items such as, who to date, length of hair, how to keep room.

Fathers Married View: May at time be different then Mothers Private View. Generaly the same for both parents, but may be different for specific items such as, who to date, length of hair, how to keep room.

Mother/Fathers Private view: May be completely different on items that are expressed in his/her married view. A lot of things that a child feels like they cannot talk to both parents at the same time about, can be talked about freely with one parent or the other in private.

I know it may be confusing, but parents don't know all of the answers, and a lot of time we parents take a stand on things WITHOUT thinking them through because we just don't know or have never had to deal with it before.

My ex and I could never agree on the whole GLTB secenario, because we never talked about it ever. So when we were confronted with situations, where we had to take a stand, we generaly went with our Public view, even though we had differing Private views. , So I became the Parent my kids could confide in, and my ex was someone who was infexible most of the time.

My suggestion is that you try to figure out which parent has the Private View, that is more in line with your Private view. Try talking to them in private in small steps. My kids would usually approch me with "Dad, I have a friend who doesn't know how to talk to his/her parents about ....." I eventually learned to just listen, and not try to solve this "Friends" problem, that it was more likely to be something they were going through, and that they just wanted me to Listen . I hope this makes any sense.

Kelly

[Brooke Ashley]

Great post Kelly, really helped. My Dad definitely seems to have the worst public view when it comes to the GLTB scene. Its moreso his comments and then my Mom chimes in after him. I've thought for a while telling my Mom would be easier at first. I still need to figure out how and when though. Thank you to the others as well for your comments.

[Kerigirl2009]

Ok here is my take on your view of your parents attitude.
When I was a teenager I grew up with a lot of aunts and uncles and their friends and of course my cousins. Ok here is where it gets interesting
My family was of the white race up until my generation.
I found out when I was about 12 that most all of the older generation did not care for people of other colors. Not that they where mean or said racial comments their just wasn't any color in my family. Now when it came time for my generation to start dating we dated who we wanted and our parents let us know that this was not acceptable to them . Well we straightened them out as my sister is married to a black man and has 3 kids. As well about half of my cousins did too despite the rejections innitially. Today I would have to venture a guess that about half of my family is of mixed relationship and the kicker is you have never seen such proud grandparents and even great grandparents. I do love my not so unique family. I saw a lot of change in the older generation and it was for the better. Change in views is definitely possible no matter what. Now days, they don't see color anymore in a person they only see a family member.

[Nicole Erin]

Brooke, if you are still living at home, then might want to hold off saying anything, and make sure you don't get caught with it of course.
Once you are out of their home, your life is yours.

I don't know though, people tend to act different when it is one of their own family who is GLBT.

Of course they will have plenty of questions.
I know the reaction you are expecting is probably get thrown out or dad getting violent. May not be the case.

Wow, how to come out to parents? Not an easy one...

My brief story - Parents have been divorced since I was maybe 3?
my mom is a beautician and has been around GLBT her whole life and her take is - "if that is how you want to live" and is indifferent, I am still her son, or daughter?
My dad is one of those manly men types. If he had his druthers, he would not have me being TG, he doesn't agree but it has never caused any real problems.

I guess the thing to do is talk with the parent first who you think would be more accepting. In most families, either the mom or dad is more of the strict one. Just talk to the less strict one first and let that parent help you deal with the other one.
WHEN you explain, just make sure it is as neutral a time as possible. Like don't bring it up when on vacation or say, at a funeral...
Just an average everyday type day would be best.

OH one thing about this - the collective experience of TG's would say that most parents might acknowledge it and react however, but then pretend to forget right away. I know when I got caught a couple times as a kid with femme things, my dad chewed my ass but then never brought it up again. We are talking my dad, he normally dwells on crap for decades. But that pair of hose he found under my bed, bitched once and never again...

So you say your mom just echos your dad? Sounds like my dad and step-mom. I would gamble it is best to tell her first. That way she has a chance to form her own opinion and help with your dad who is gonna be the real obstacle.

[linnea]

It is very tough to hear these kinds of things from the people we love and hope that they will accept and support us. It is hard to believe that they ever could. However, I hope that you won't despair and that you will come to the point that you can tell them, explain, and try to help them understand. That may never happen, but it is not impossible (despite the constant venomous diatribe they spew).

[Hope]

While living at home, you really do have to suck it up and tolerate their rules in their home. But you won't be living in their home forever.

People put way too much emphasis on maintaining relationships with people we are related to - and they do it with little objective justification. Some families are really great, supportive environments. Many more are not.

As many people in my generation (X) are discovering - Family are the people who support you and care for you - not necessarily the people you are related to. My wife and I have both more or less cut off all contact with our parents, for a variety of good reasons, and frankly - neither of us miss them. Not even during the holidays. It's hard to miss abusive SOBs. If your family is going to be abusive and intolerant towards you - there is no reason you have to maintain a relationship with them, nor should you. Seriously, you shouldn't put up with abuse from people just because they contributed their genetic material to you.

Maintain relationships with those who love and support you.

Blood may be thicker than water, but viscosity is not a good way to select the people you associate with.

[lee in a skirt]

mine are exactly the same. my fiancee says what they dont know wont hurt them. so at the moment i ignore them but have decided if they ever find my stuff or catch me ill just say get over it.

[Karren H]

I have to admit I've never been fond of seeing guys kissing either... Just the way I feel and I can't help that... And I'm not appologizing for that.... but I don't hate gays... Mater of face..... I have a gay child.

[aggi123]

I've thought for a while telling my Mom would be easier at first. I still need to figure out how and when though. Thank you to the others as well for your comments.

Brooke, be careful! That's a tough secret you'd be asking your mom to keep from your dad. She might talk with him if you tell her first. I think the best way to do it would be to sit them both down and tell them together.

[lavistaa62]

I read your "coming out letter" and it indicated pretty specifically you're not gay so are you extending their feeling towards gays to your own situation? In my mind many parents- even the most religious or morally intolerant are aware if their children are gay. It would be hard not figure this out these days. I say this as the child of a gay parent and having been around homosexual men and women basically my entire life. Perhaps my "gaydar" is a bit more sensitive than most but from this perspective when kids or parents come out I assume most of their family members may be outraged but if they are shocked it's because they are also not very observant and don't have a good relationship to begin with.

Crossdressers are probably a lot harder to discern. My SO said she had no idea before I said something and unless we "ooze fem" (someone said that here- it was precious) probably it would come as a complete shock to your parents. They probably won't believe you aren't gay and who knows how they will react.

Are you dependent on them, their friends or associates for financial or social support? Those relationships and that support could all be at risk; bigotry always feels justified to bigots and encountering those whom they look down on seems to only inflame their intolerance.

[Bridget Fitzgerald]

Since you didn't say, I'll assume you're underage. Consider the cultural relativity aspect of your parents. Gay characters on tv didn't even really go mainstream until the 90s. It hurts I know. I get the same thing toward trans from my mother, and I'm in my 40s. The world is changing albeit slowly. Concentrate on things like your education and buy your freedom when it's time. Just hang in there. Don't let being gay or trans define you. They're likely to get over it one day when or if you come out.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

A little over a year ago, I thought my daughter was heterosexual. I was trying at the time to figure out how to tell my daughter about my being transgendered. Well, at that time frame my views on gay people was simply, that it was wrong, it is a sin. My view then was I thought very negatively towards gay people, especially gay men. I wanted nothing to do with them. Well when my daughter told me over a year ago that she had new girlfriend, it did take me by surprise. But I heard in her voice a fear of telling me about her new girlfriend, she was afraid thinking I would take it as badly has her mom (we are divorced >10 yrs) did. Well part of me was disappointed, but I love my daughter much more. I told her that it was okay and that her girlfriend is welcome in my home and is accepted by me and her choice is hers alone. This opened the door for me, to tell her about me. And she is so accepting and supportive of me.

The point being, till it hit me personally at home with my daughter, the question of gay people and how I respond to them is very different now. I still believe what the Bible says about homosexuality being wrong, but I won't look at a Gay person as evil anymore, they are a sinner just like me. I can love them now for the person they are. So in a way till it hits home for your parents in a personal way their views may never change.

I didn't stop loving my daughter because she told me she was lesbian. In fact I was able to love her more because she was able to trust me. Our relationship has grown much stronger in the last year. So in short don't be afraid of talking with your parents, they will continue to love you, they may not understand fully or right away, but they will still love you. Don't let their viewpoints scare you in not being yourself. Kimberly :battingeyelashes:

[Brooke Ashley]

Thanks again everyone for comments. Kimberly your comment really helped me a lot. Hopefully you are right and my parents will do as you have done and accept me because they love me and come to believe that gays/lesbians/tg/whatever, are sinners much the same as them. Thannks again :).

[Tiff Rivera]

Hi Brooke,
I can totally relate to how you are feeling. Growing up I heard all these same insults and general bigotry. My father is much like Archie Bunker from All In The Family. You're probably too young to have seen the show unless you've seen reruns.

But my father is nearing 70 and I try to remember that for him as a young child, this behavior was the norm. Its what they knew from society. In some parts of the country segregation still existed and back then anything they didn't understand or accept was quickly dismissed as evil or as an illness. Not that we like it or condone it, but that is what their generation knew.

My father has know Idea about me instead I have chosen to talk to him, that people are different in every sense of the word, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. Its frustrating at times, but in some ways he has become more tolerant. My mother on the other hand, has not spoken to me since she found out. Some progress is better than none.

Hope it works out for you, just remember to breathe!

[NathalieX66]

Some people can't separate their own personal feelings vs. what is right/wrong. I'm no atheist or agnostic, but I do know that Galileo was not so liked by the Catholic church when he came up with proof that the Earth was not flat, and not the center of the Universe.

As for me, I hate pizza with peppers and onions, and I will throw up at the taste if I ever took a bite. yet, I love pepperoni & mushrooms. :D

[jacques]

Hi,
The one thing I cannot tolerate is intolerence.
Perhaps I should be a little more compassionate to my father - when he grew up being racist, sexist, homophobic ... as the norm.
best wishes, Jacques

[PretzelGirl]

The one thing I cannot tolerate is intolerence.


Would you care to rephrase that? :heehee:

[DanaR]

Brooke,

If you are still living at home, be careful what you say to your parents. It could mean that your living conditions could become very difficult. Hopefully this wouldn't be the case, but sometimes it is better to error on the side of caution.

Almost twenty years ago, I had a conversation with my daughter when she was thirteen. She had made some comments about gays. During the discussion I asked her if she were to find out that one of her good friends was a lesbian; would she not like her? Her answer was that she couldn't be friends with someone like that.

I was probably asking the questions to get a feel for what would happen if she found out about me. She did find out about me when she was nineteen. I've never had anyone say such horrible things to or about me and/or about my wife. My two older daughters wondered if she was trying to break up our marriage. It took about four years before I felt very comfortable around her, we were very good friends before she found out.

If it would have been anyone else, instead of my daughter, we might not have ever talked again. For me it is difficult to understand why people could hate others so much.

My daughter is now in her mid thirties and is more accepting of me, she doesn't want to see me; but she will talk about it with me.

I've seen other family's/situations where because of a riff, they never spoke again; what a shame.

So, my suggestion to you would be to be careful what you say to your parents at least while you are living at home, if you are. If some of their comments are really bothering you, you might say something; like mom/dad I have friends/class mates or whatever that are gay or lesbian and I couldn't imagine not being friends with them. I've known for a long time that I couldn't bring them home to meet you guys because of your views. This way you are letting them know that you don't support their views, but you haven't admitted to anything.

Even you are not living at home and just aren't ready to tell them, at least they now know that you don't agree with them and why.

Good luck!

[Guinevere LaChance]

Always remember- it's different when it's your kid.

People and even Parents adapt their world view.

Guinevere

[docrobbysherry]

My youngest, that is! NOT the oldest. She was interested in EVERY boy she met since she was age 9!:doh:

Anyway, the young one showed nothing but NEGATIVE interest in boys up to age 13. Then, as a freshman in high school, she suddenly became interested in EVERY senior boy there!:eek:

Now, I kind of WISH my daughter WAS gay!:brolleyes:

[Sherry-Stephanie]

Tough situation to be in...ideally we would want out parents to be accpeting and supportive...as well as wives, SO's and other others who are in our life and who we have feelings for....

Unfortunately, it doesn't happen a lot of times and in our cases most of the time....

So where do you go and what do you do about it????

Hide it in the closet and never tell them? Might work as far as keeping them in the dark, but I suspect it might tear you up inside...

Come out, tell them and ahve them disapprove, hate you or simply not have anyhting else to do with you???? That's not going to work either....

So what to do????

First fo all I think you need to work it out internally within your own "self"....come to accept who you are, what you are and why you are....then go to the next step once you accept yourself....

When you reach this level then you'll be OK with yourself and in a better position emotionally to handle those who accept you and deal with those who may not....

See if your not OK with yourself then how can others be OK with you????

You need to be able to accept yourself before expecting others to accept you..simple as that...and you need to accpet yourself and be OK with that even if others aren't OK with it....because you've got to be able to accept other's rejection....and that's the way you survive

[Emma68]

Would you care to rephrase that? :heehee:

Its a very apt expression and one that certainly shapes my world view :D

[AmandaM]

What are their motivations? Any ideas why they say these things?

[msginaadoll]

Well I always say you never know how people can be. My sister is a pastor in a conservative denomination and she still loves me. Heck Dick Cheney has a lesbian daughter and I think you have to consider him to be Im not sure what I want to say, but hope u get my point. Love is a funny thing.