Sylvermane
12-27-2009, 11:40 AM
Found the site a few months ago. Lurked for awhile. After reading many of the great experiences and learning or rather understanding a great deal more about myself (thank you folks dearly) I set out trying to live more of how I feel I should be. Real life circumstances kind of put a damper on the idea so I had to try to "turn it off". Got rid of a fair number of things. Suppressed the urge to dress along with the formidable desire backed by the knowledge of myself being TG. Painful to do but I saw no option. Dressing, acting... while helping to feel better was like a double edge sword. It also caused more pain knowing that my true goal / desire is unattainable. A huge mistake.
I'm back, and have gone through a door that I cannot go backwards through. Making the best of the time I do have available to be Jessica. It's shocking to me how something so simple as a piece or two of simple clothing can put ones mind at ease and borderline tranquility. While I may not be able to go "full time" I make do with what I can and I think I'm ok with it... for now.
Made myself a little outting the other night. Went to a park not far from my home. With the current time of year it's very cold, and especially after 10pm the odds of anyone else being around are virtually nil. I changed when I got there, and just spent an hour or two strolling around... On a semi superficial / comical note I was quite upset at my normal jeans as I found a pair of legg's microfibre tights & a denim skirt to be far warmer :doh: and for obvious reasons far more comfortable.
I still have a long way to go like we all do. The simple fear of reaction from others though is a terrible force to have to deal with. For the longest time before I started exploring myself I can honestly say I was with the intolerant crowd. The hater's, the cruelty to things and people that don't follow the so-called norm. To my knowledge I was never openly that way but it was how I felt. Never understand something until you are in that situation, or have that particular problem or whatever.
This is nothing more than a vent / spilling of things in my head at the moment, but I had to share it. I don't know what will happen next. I do know now for sure more than ever that Jessica is here to stay, regardless of any problems that may arise. Thankfully I do have my mom's support... still debating on telling dad and younger brother. Along with the wonderful posts & experiences of you folks here I think I have an idea of where to go and how to get there. Thank you...
I'm back, and have gone through a door that I cannot go backwards through. Making the best of the time I do have available to be Jessica. It's shocking to me how something so simple as a piece or two of simple clothing can put ones mind at ease and borderline tranquility. While I may not be able to go "full time" I make do with what I can and I think I'm ok with it... for now.
Made myself a little outting the other night. Went to a park not far from my home. With the current time of year it's very cold, and especially after 10pm the odds of anyone else being around are virtually nil. I changed when I got there, and just spent an hour or two strolling around... On a semi superficial / comical note I was quite upset at my normal jeans as I found a pair of legg's microfibre tights & a denim skirt to be far warmer :doh: and for obvious reasons far more comfortable.
I still have a long way to go like we all do. The simple fear of reaction from others though is a terrible force to have to deal with. For the longest time before I started exploring myself I can honestly say I was with the intolerant crowd. The hater's, the cruelty to things and people that don't follow the so-called norm. To my knowledge I was never openly that way but it was how I felt. Never understand something until you are in that situation, or have that particular problem or whatever.
This is nothing more than a vent / spilling of things in my head at the moment, but I had to share it. I don't know what will happen next. I do know now for sure more than ever that Jessica is here to stay, regardless of any problems that may arise. Thankfully I do have my mom's support... still debating on telling dad and younger brother. Along with the wonderful posts & experiences of you folks here I think I have an idea of where to go and how to get there. Thank you...