Telling before or after marriage?

[Kerigirl2009]

Lately, I have been seeing a lot of negative comments from some of us crossdressers about how we should feel guilty for NOT TELLING our future wives about our crossdressing before we committed for a lifetime.

Well for me I chose to wait because I was hoping to stop completely and go to my grave without ever telling anyone. Why would I tell anyone without actually accepting this part of my life while at the same time thinking I can control this and not have to out myself (I mean why take the chance of ruining a future because of my past)

Well years later I accepted the inevitable I AM A CROSSDRESSER. Now what do I do well I should be honest with my wife so I told her but after nearly 15 years of marriage.

For a lot of you that have told your wife before you where husband and wife I am suspecting that you married when you where older or are on your 2nd or 3rd relationship. (allowing for more experience in life and self understanding) So congratulations on being honest before marriage. But how can one be honest with their future wife when they are not quite sure if what they are doing is just a phase or even wrong in the first place.

Now I need to have patience and understanding for my wife as she is just discovering what I have gone through in my life. It took me years and years to learn to accept this side of me and I suspect it will take my wife just as long if mot longer to accept.

This is the choice that I was forced to make because I knew that I loved my wife before I was married however I was not able to accept my crossdressing until I was older and wiser. Sure if I had been able to accept before I was married it would have only been fair to tell her before she joined me for a lifetime together. But at the time of my marriage I did not accept that I was a lifetime crossdresser, but once I accepted that this is me (both male and female sides) it was my obligation to her to be honest with her.

So to tell her before marriage or after it depends on weather you have been able to accept yourself as a crossdresser prior to marriage? For me I cicn't accept me but I knew in my heart that I loved my wife and still do. :)

What is your opinion? and do you agree with me?


So

[AllieSF]

You make a good point Keri. As we all know that hindsight is much better than foresight. As we also know, the internet, instant access to varied sources of information, forums like this one which have not been around all that long make it so much easier for more people to be informed about the whole range of LGBT world sooner rather than later. It is also true that we see today new members that are so relieved to find this site to be able to unload their issues and learn from others. I am a believer of telling prior to committing to a long term relationship and commitment. I just hope that I can practice what I profess when the time comes.

[AmiFL]

I told before...... and found out where I stood... She hated it, but married me anyway. She'd burst if she knew I was here......

[Bernadina]

Before and it was the best thing I ever did. She has been fully supportive since day one. Suspect it would have been a disaster to tell her after the fact.

[Karen564]

It's a good point Keri,

And I can understand how you felt before saying the I do's...

I felt the same way before I said mine too, and thought my feelings for feeling like a woman inside would go away in time, and all I needed was a good woman/wife to make a real man out of me.....Well, that didn't work out too well for me... after the 5 years of courtship, then 20 years of marriage plus 2 children from that...proved to be a waste of time, BUT I will never regret having brought in 2 beautiful children into the world....they are priceless to me & I love them more than life itself.....

I did fully know that I was a transsexual from day 1, but honestly didn't know enough about it back then, like I didn't know that my inner feelings would get stronger & stronger in time, which was just the opposite from what I originally thought would happen ,I had figured they would fade in time, boy was I wrong!!!, but God knows that I tried with all my might to fight it, but over many years, it just wore me down to a nub till nothing was left..

In the end, all I knew was when the dust settled after the divorce was over, I would never make the same mistake twice..and that I could never give back my wife all the years she spent with me..

:hugs:

[ReineD]

What is your opinion? and do you agree with me?

I agree. Prior to the internet. But anyone 30 or younger has enough resources to have become more self-aware. There is no reason for younger TGs not to tell their fiancees now. And younger GGs also have all the resources available to hopefully dismiss any preconceived biases.

[Shikyo]

I'd say that one should tell as soon as possible be it before marriage or after marriage because you yourself didn't simply know about it. I think the wife deserves to know about this as it's still a big part of your character.

Myself, I "told" my wife after we had gotten married. I wouldn't really call it telling as in the end she was there when it totally started and I was using her clothes(with her permission, of course). So she has been tagging along through my whole process so she knows about it as much as I do.

[helena.gcd]

well, now i'm single and i haven't met a girl that i would like to date but, anyway, i've been thinking about outing to the next girlfriend i have (hope it is soon, i've been alone for two years and now i feel ready to begin a new relationship).
I think that, now that i have accepted who i am, i will tell her about Helena when i feel that the relationship is getting serious, when i feel that i want to spend my whole life with her.
it is not only that she deserves to know who she is marrying, it is that i want to enjoy every bit of my life with her, and CDing is a very important bit of me.

then, when that moment comes, i hope i'll be brave enough to tell her and don't procrastinate.

[Samantha Girl]

I personally think it's better to tell your girl before marriage.

That's what I did. That doesn't mean I'm better than you or special. I just couldn't go on lying. Again, I don't judge. I was deathly afraid to tell my girl, I totally understand. I knew this is a part of who I am, and I couldn't ask her to marry me until she knew everything.

I've also noticed in a lot of CD coming out stories SOs get very upset/hung up on the deception more so than the actual CDing. My girl was more upset about the lying as well.

I know it's not a simple thing to come out to your SO, but for me, I had to. It was a trust/honesty issue for me ;)

[Jenniferpl]

I came out to my wife after we were married. While we were dating, I was not even thinking about about cross dressing. I thought it was a thing of the past, part of my youth growing up. Since it was not as issue, there was no need to bring it up.

[Carroll]

Told my wife on our first date

[Nicole Erin]

Told my wife a year or two after.
And like some, I was not thinking of CD'ing for a while.

You know the drill, we have all seen it, CD meets girl. CD thinks he can quit and be a man and all that. Then the CD'ing comes back. Then the "why didn't you tell me?"

I don't know, Some people will always be like "how come you didn't tell me sooner?"

Well, being more TS, it is kind of evident from the sight that I am TG, I often hear "is that a guy or a girl?" So be it, but for myself and many, we don't exactly intro ourselves with, "Hello, my name is John but I sometimes go by Jane when I am dressed as a woman".

Also, there are 3 big levels of knowing a person - Knowing they exist, knwing their personality, and the big one - knowing what they are like to live with.
I think a lot of guys go into marriage not knowing serious things about their wives, like if she is particularly bad with money, or has some crazy ex, or what her family is like. YET, you don't hear a guy saying, (mocks whiny voice) "I wish she had told me that she cannot manage money, that she cannot stand cleaning house, etc..."

But of course that is a different story, none of those things matter, but GOD FORBID if they guy is a CD. :brolleyes:

[FanciJewel]

When I got married there was no internet, no forum, no way to easily know about other CD'ers. It felt terribly lonely. Telling my wife at that time was much more risky. I had no way to find support and no way to learn. My wife and I were discussing the subject of do-overs a few nights ago. I told her that one thing that I would do over is to tell her early on, before we wed. If she would have said good-bye, I would have gone on to the next thing. If she would have stayed, I would have had so many more years of open CD'ing. Fanci

[Karren H]

Oh yeah! I totally agree... 34 years ago I didn't even know I was a crossdresser... I figured I was just a run of the mill pervert. Hahaha

[LisaElizabeth]

Geez Karen, you and your honey and me and my honey have been married about the same amount of time!!! 34 years this coming May for us. Been 35 years since I told my wife!! She married me anyway!
I guess it's all in whether you can discuss things rationally and honestly and how deep your relationship goes. I figure ours must be pretty deep. As we look back, being a CD seems like one of the smaller problems we have had to face in our 33+ years of marriage!!
I guess it's all in your perspective! remember when you are up to your butt in alligators it's hard to remember your main objective was to drain the swamp!!
Lisa E

[Laura_Stephens]

If.......

I could live my life over again,
I knew then what I know now,

I would tell her before hand.

Finding after we were married was not fair to her or to me.

[Sandra]

I've also noticed in a lot of CD coming out stories SOs get very upset/hung up on the deception more so than the actual CDing. My girl was more upset about the lying as well.




This is right in a lot of cases. It's not the cding that causes the main problem but, the being lied to and the feeling of not being trusted.

Say sommat before things get serious, let her do some research and most of all talk to her about it.

[AKAMichelle]

I came out to my wife after we were married. While we were dating, I was not even thinking about about cross dressing. I thought it was a thing of the past, part of my youth growing up. Since it was not as issue, there was no need to bring it up.

Ditto.

In my earlier years, I thought I could beat it / purge it away. Those failed attempts taught me about what crossdressing really was to me. Until I discovered my real identity, I wasn't ready or able to tell anyone else.

Now I believe that telling others is very important in your relationship. Hiding things from your spouse only breeds insecurity and distrust.

[minalost]

I have to agree with both Keri and Kerren. When I got married 28 years ago there was no internet. I hadn't even heard the term Crossdresser. I just thought that I had a "womans underwear fetish" and that it would go away after I got married.

I do believe that I would have told her before we got married IF I had understood the realities of crossdressing better.

I absolutly believe that we should tell potential spouses before marrage.

Oh well, 20/20 hindsight...

[suchacutie]

The level of connection and information exchange in the past decade is truly astounding in that it is, in our world, simply part of life. That exposure to different lifestyles and opinions has begun a radical shift of attitude about acceptance or, at least, understanding.

First, it is easier to know that a significant part of the population have interests to a greater or lesser degree in experiencing/living in the other gender. Not being alone certainly makes a major difference.

Second, the fact that a significant portion of the population is transgendered is rapidly becoming more widely known. The shock value is diminishing.

This environment didn't exist even 20 years ago, and I think it's totally understandable that bringing up one's transgenderism to a potential spouse was very much less than easy! Adding the expectations that marriage would make the transgenderism evaporate made this conversation even less likely.

So, are we coming to the day when every potential spouse, of either gender, asks as a matter of course, "are you at all transgendered?".

Isn't that really the answer to this issue? Shouldn't every couple simply expect to have this conversation?

I hope so.

Lastly, if I had had that conversation I would have answered, truthfully, "no." I would have pointed out my empathy for feminine issues and ideals (actually, I did at the time). My spouse certainly knew how I acted toward woman. Did I know that after 32 years of marriage I would be walking in front of my wife in heels, stockings, panties and...well...all the rest? Not a chance! Yet here I am, and my wife is the one who insisted I needed a dress to go with the outfit! Maybe if she had asked if I was at all transgendered, Tina would have existed much sooner!

tina

[DonnaT]

So to tell her before marriage or after it depends on weather you have been able to accept yourself as a crossdresser prior to marriage?
I told her soon after we were married in 1975, due to a dress-up session that occurred.

We had a short courtship so CDing didn't even enter my mind before we were married. We were both in the Army, and the opportunity to dress wasn't there at the time.

Like many of us, the dressing can come and go, and it just happened that the dressing was gone at the time.

So it wasn't about accepting my self, as I never felt guilty about it, but instead was more of an out of sight out of mind time period.

[Nicola2876]

I like most married crossdressers thought it would go away but it doesn't. Soon I was in skirts and heels everytime I was alone and I have been ever since. I came home early today and she is out with my daughter so here I am on this forum wearing a black skirt, black tights and high heels and loving every second of it!!

[paulaluvssz8]

Wow!! How well put. Many of you have the same story as me. I got married at the age of 18. And I thought that I had a thing for panties. Didn't understand it. I don't understand it all even still. So it would have been hard to explain my love for the feel of women's clothes, when I thought I was like Karen. Thought I was just a pervert... LoL

[Kerigirl2009]

I do like the responses, most of them to me sound genuine and honest. I believe that if I knew in my heart that the desire would go away forever I would have never told my wife (before she was my wife) but once I accepted that HEY this is me both sides it was my responsibility to tell her everything. (this sounds like what most of us believe) and I think it is admirable that most of us think this way.
I do have a guilty feeling for entering into marriage before I was all knowing about myself but I did know an important thing about myself ( i loved this woman) because of the way she made me feel and how she made me want to be a better person. I love what has happened since I have been her husband and a father to our children. If I knew then I would have been honest with myself and told her before marriage.
Crossdressing does not go away, as I think most of us hoped it would. When the realization of this is reality then we need to be honest with our wives.

It sounds to me that a lot of us where lucky to have found the women that we love so understaning or at least willing to try and accept this side of us.

[Toni_Lynn]

I can relate to experiences of both the before and after.

With my first marriage, one that I am thankful was ill-fated, I told my ex-wife right after I asked for a divorce. After all the abuse from her, both physical and emotional, had gotten too much, I asked for divorce. It hit her like a tonne of bricks and the next few weeks before I moved out where surreal. We had our first real conversations in months and I told her at that time, figuring that things couldn't get worse. They didn't. They lead to making a bad situation, that of the wait until my new apartment would be available, tolerable. She understood, She was empathetic.

Now when I say that I am thankful that it was ill-fated, I mean it. For I found the courage in me to stand up for who I am, and it set me on the road to finding the woman that I madly in love with, who is now my wife and totally accepts me. In fact, as early as a year later, I was in Silk and Satin in Vancouver BC and bought some menswear style panties (since I like girls in boys undies) there and told the SA that they were for my fiance. Fast forward 10 years, and I gave them, unworn and stored away, to the woman who was --- my fiance - -and who became my wife -- who by the way -- is from BC. BTW -- I'm from the other coast, so BC is a long way away. We may have even passed each other on the street that day -- I was on holiday. Who know. The romantic in me says we did.

As to my ex -- again -- thankful it was ill-fated as it allowed her to find out about herself, and that is the fact that she is a lesbian. So it worked out well for both of us.

I know that I never could have told her before, for I too thought that I could go deep stealth.

As to the before, well, a cold Sunday around the beginning of December 2005. My heart was bursting with love for this woman I'd met on line, been emailing 3 and 4 times a day, talking to several times a week, and was about to meet face to face at Christmas. GULP! And so out came the words like a waterfall, as did the tears. And literally, just like in the movie Ed Wood, she paused a minute, and said -- Okay.

Had she said no -- well -- I don't want to think about it. All I can say is that while life isn't a bed of roses every day, it sure as all hell doesn't suck! In fact, its pretty darn good, as I sit here in denim skirt, sweater, and nails bright red.

Huggles

Toni-Lynn

[JamieG]

I didn't tell my wife til after two years of marriage, so I certainly can't get on anyone's case for not telling. Like you, I didn't understand myself and thought it might go away. That said, I wish I had understood myself better and had the courage to tell her before we married. When I finally told her, a large part of her problem was not that I dressed, but that I didn't tell her -- she felt that in a way I had lied to her -- and it took a long time to regain her trust. For five years after coming out, that issue about not telling her would periodically come up, particularly when she was stressed or angry about something else. It is only in the last few years where I feel that we've gotten over that part.

Still, I can't say what would have happened if I had told her before we were married. If she got freaked out about it enough to not see me for a week or two, would she have decided to make a clean break or would she have realized that it wasn't a big deal and we would have started off our marriage with a better understanding of each other? Things are great now: we live in a nice area, have two wonderful kids, and are generally happy. Would these things have come to pass if I had told her before marriage? There's no way to know for sure. As you can see, there is regret about not telling her but also some relief since it did work out in the end.

However, when I weigh the pros and cons, I would recommend that all CDs tell their fiances/spouses as soon as possible, preferably before they are married. And if you choose to marry someone without telling, at least marry someone who might be open to the idea. Don't marry someone who only likes you because you are such a macho stud muffin!

[Ras]

I would say best to tell before hand. Even though she may love you...she may not want to deal with the CD issues and not move forward.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

I believe each persons circumstances and case is unique in whether to tell or not. For me I was older and had time to grow up and learn everything about myself before marriage. So I was comfortable enough with myself to tell my wife before marriage.

The case might have been different if I were younger during my early 20's when I was still in the "I will cure myself of this and I am not a cross dresser phase." During those days I would not have told because I had genuinely convinced myself that I could stop cross dressing. So therefore there was no need for me to tell anyone.

Luckily it wasn't until my late 20's that I met my future wife and had time to learn to accept this side of me.

[sherri52]

Keri I agree with you that you should tell your So but for a slightly different reason. A large percentage of us that have told our wives later in the marriage either got divorced or became reclusive and dove even further into the closet than we were in order to save the marriage. In turn those that went deeper into the closet have the pain and suffering of having to stay there when they want to get out so badly. I say tell your SO before getting married, If the relationship goes further then it is a good life for both of you. If the relationship breaks up which I hope it doesn't then you don't have as much time in the relationship and still have time to start another relationship without the hardship of divorce.

[AmandaM]

I agree. Prior to the internet. But anyone 30 or younger has enough resources to have become more self-aware. There is no reason for younger TGs not to tell their fiancees now. And younger GGs also have all the resources available to hopefully dismiss any preconceived biases.

This would of course, depend on the individuals' ability to self-diagnose.

[CamilleLeon]

I think that in most cases it's always better to tell your future wife beforehand. Crossdressing is more than just a fetish for a lot of us...it's a part of who we are and to marry her without her knowing who you are could lead to a lot of pain and misunderstanding

[docrobbysherry]

1. You're homeless and live in your car.

2. You're hooked on Jack, coke, or heroin!

3. You're one of the following: gay, bi, tg or a cd!

The OTHER "important" stuff can wait until after you're married!:brolleyes:

[CamilleLeon]

Well two out of three isn't bad...I guess I should tell my girlfriend about my crystal meth addiction...

[Wallflower]

I told her before. We were in our early 20s. I dropped the bomb while we were in a long distance relationship, not cool. She sort of freaked. I was very protective of the information but she insisted that she had to seek an opinion form a friend. The friend that she chose was quite wise, advised her that she either accepts it as a part of me that will not go away, or not accept the package at all. It all worked out. I knew from early on that this was not something that was going to go away.

[TGMarla]

I got married for the second time back in 1994, when the internet was pretty much an AOL domain. The information highway was still a gravel road. It was shortly after I married that I got online and began learning that there were others like me. The first site I saw was Yvonne's place for Crossdressers. She was the first person ever to answer the questions I had that sometimes this guy wants to be one of the girls. She said to me, "Lots of guys do."

So I didn't tell my wife that I crossdressed. I was afraid. I was scared. I had little or no self-acceptance of this, and I still have some problems with that even now. But I didn't tell her, for whatever reason, and it did cause problems when it worked its way into the light. But we're still married, and I think, still very much in love. So although it did its damage, it didn't sink my ship. I'm still not at liberty to be real open with her about it, but I'm not divorced and living on the curb, either.

[Glenda58]

I didn't tell my first wife and when she found out after 18 yrs she left me. The second I told after we were married 5 months She was mad that I didn't tell first. She was ok with it for 4yrs when she found all my cloths. Made me get rid of everything and was talking about leaving me. Over time she just stayed but didn't trust me again. Then she got sick I had to take care of her she wanted to work it out so I could dress again. She didn't get better and before she passed away she made me promise to tell anyone that I was getting serious about to them. I have kept that promise and my knew wife knows but still doesn't like it. But she did say yes and married me.

[TeriAnn]

I told my wife after five years of marriage and she was as accepting then and still is today if not more so. I love my wife and am glad she has accepted me for who I am

[sissystephanie]

I told my late wife about my CD activities when I proposed to her in January of 1955. She asked me if I wanted to become a woman! I told that I had no desire to be a woman, that I just liked to dress like one. Her response was to kiss me and tell me me that she would marry me and help me dress!

49 plus years later when she passed away, I lost the best wife any man could have. I am a firm believer in telling before marriage, because otherwise you are living a lie! You cannot be a CD and be married without your wife knowing! To do so is simply living a lie, which will most likely hurt both of you at some time! We have seen the results here on the Forum!!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Keri
It was shortly after it started out kinda as a joke
then she was not to happy--fast forward 45yrs. later
it's a Love / Hate relationship I Love it & she Hates it
she tolerates it but it's a don't ask don't tell thinggie.
.
Orchid

[Teri Jean]

Kari you have had so much help here and what I have to offer is nothing new but here it is anyway. I was married for 35 yrs and throughout it there was CDing moments for which were more sexually gratifying for me than my wife. It wasn't until she passed in an accident that the real issues of CDing and later TS desires come into view. Now today there has been a few women I felt attracted to and since I have came out full time with a desire to transition they were told this and the interest faded.

Letting them know of your desires to CD or in my case to go further is the only honest way to proceed. If they continue with plans for a life with you it is in full knowledge. As you have read here, there are some women who have no issue with CDing and support that side of their spouse. Your SO may be one of those rare women, I hope she is for your sake.

Teri

[sonia_dargency]

before or after is not the real question, I think. whatever you have to share, it must come out when you are ready, strong and confident about it.

I belong to the group without internet education who could find help only in the Encyclopedia Britannica or other academic work. Nothing better to feel like a obsessed sexual deviant.

All my attempts to come out were botched confessions with poor timing, so much was the desire to be honest. all were dismissed as temporary fantasies or not taken seriously, or lost in neverland for the crisis that followed made me hide deeper or believe I would cure myself.

working on the next one as we speak...

Sonia

[Jamie Burton]

I was able to work up the courage to tell my wife while we were still engaged. She was upset that I hadn't told her before we were engaged but at the time I had thought (as so many have, as I've read) that I wouldn't need to dress if I was seriously going to get married. Luckily, I realized that wasn't true before vows were exchanged.

Since then, she's been supportive and understanding and we're still together after sixteen years. I tend to dress in private still, mainly because of the kids, not around her, but she's seen me all done up in the past and will in the future.

I'm all for letting anyone in a serious relationship with someone who is in any manner transgendered know once both parties realize they're in a serious relationship.

[Danica]

I think you should reveal this important part of yourself before marriage, in fact I think the honest discussion should happen early in a relationship, when it appears to be getting serious. My ex-wife knew about my dressing before we married but never really accepted it. I didn't realize how truly lonely I was in this part of my life until we divorced 26 years later. I am now in a new relationship with my beautiful girlfriend, who, at the risk of losing, I told about my cding early on. Not only was she happy that I was honest with her about such a personal matter, she has accepted me as I am and is a fully supportive and willing participant in this and all other aspects of my life. I am lonely no more and I believe telling her about my cding has played a big part in that.

[Emme]

I have never been able to keep a secret.......yeah......I had a deep dark secret, that I never told another living soul for 30 years. I just knew I was alone in the world with my desires. From age 4, I used to go to that special drawer and get out that Bra....I can still imagine the look and feel. I didn't ever tell anyone.

Thank God for age! wife and I were working on a wilderness cabin and I was sweating....not from heat...I wanted to tell her I wanted to wear her panties. She was so sweet! she got me a black 38C bra and a blond wig and we had fun! Then she heard the dirty word "transvestite" and she got really, really cool to the idea. She never got angry.

A bottle wine, kids in bed, I was allowed limited freedom. I have owned a bra since the first day I told her. She bought it. I've bought several.(LOL) Things were cool for a long while. I suffered for the wonderful feel of softness.

I got her drunk in the high arctic once and I stayed dressed all night. (OH I was sick) I have not been drunk since. I now let her know that a dress is much more relaxing.

I am writing this because many of us need to let the SO know what dressing does for us!
I am 66 now, I have a irregular heart beat, not supposed to get upset. Dressing is the most relaxing thing I can do! My wife of 43 years now knows that.

This weekend we discussed my fem name Wendi Emme Thomas. She was cool. I can't wait for her to call me Emme as In "M".

My sister in law was concerned that my character on the Wii game is a woman. I said i have tried to tell you I am part girl...she just don't get it. Everyone in the family knows...they have only seen pictures....wife says I look better than most of the pictures, Gotta Love that woman!

BOTTOM LINE: try to get the SO to understand how important this thing is to you. we are not sick..we are wired differently than our hairy cousins the "real Men"

OH iIdon't want to be like that.

I clean house...in a dress....I feed horses...in a dress....no dress...no work...LOL

I do not do man work in my girl clothes...I don't want to mess them up.

Enough

Get you point across It may take some time!

Love to all of you!!! this forum is wonderful.

[Nicole Bishop]

Marriage ??? No thanks.. After the grief they have caused me throughout my 47 years I now believe in 3 year renewable leases as it keeps them in line . Remember they didnt make prozac for men. :eek: :eek:

[Kerigirl2009]

Wonderful responses everyone!!!! Just to be clear I have been married for 15 years but I did not tell her until 6 months ago. I know that honesty is a huge part of marriage probably the most important right next to respect.
We are working on rebuilding my trust with my wife and I am trying to be 100% forthright with her, telling her what she wants to know and trying not to overstep my boundaries that we are still in the process of making.

I love my wife and I am sorry for entering into marriage without knowing myself (I was 24) or for that matter trusting her with a secret that should have been revealed before we married. (I am not sorry for our results of a wonderful family and our relationship together) for the most part we have had a wonderful marriage. I only hope to continue for what I hope is the rest of our lives together as husband and wife.

Yes I made a mistake that I cannot change I can only try to rebuild the parts that I have damaged from this point on. I am sure I will screw up somewhere along the way but hopefully not to bad. My wife is wonderful at being able to forgive me (more than I thought) My wife is really trying to understand me although she has not seen me dressed and has no desire to ever participate. Someday I hope to reach a place in our lives that this will just be viewed as something that her husband just does and we live our lives as normally as any other couple.

[Andy66]

I agree with you, Keri. How are you supposed to tell your wife about something you don't even know yourself? I think the sneaky liars who know full well and still keep it a secret are contemptible, but I don't think you fall into that category.

My wife is really trying to understand me although she has not seen me dressed and has no desire to ever participate. Someday I hope to reach a place in our lives that this will just be viewed as something that her husband just does and we live our lives as normally as any other couple.
Give her time and plenty of love. It's probably confusing for her. We all (hopefully) change and evolve throughout our lives. Who knows what the future might hold? :)

[KerryLynn]

Well Said. If you cant accept yourself for who you are how can you expect others too. In most cases it is probbley better to tell you SO as soon as possible but if your still holding it in, or in denile tell them when you have come to terms with it. I hope things work out and all happyiness and prayers to you and yours.

Merry Christmas

[Myst]

I'd say that honesty is the best policy. If you can be up front and honest from the beginning, that's great - go for it! Unfortunately it doesn't work out that way for everybody.

My situation might be a bit different as I am not married, but I have been in a comitted relationship for several years. In the beginning, crossdressing was something I hadn't done in years; I had no desire, not even a hint to do so. Up to that point, the furthest I ever went was bras, panties, pantyhose.

While the relationship progressed, the feelings started to come back. By this time, we were living together for about a month when I told her of what I used to do and how I was starting to feel (again). She was upset claiming that I lied and decieved her even though I tried to explain to her that these feelings had only recently come back.

We don't live together anymore, and my basic desires have crossed over completely into full-blown dressing up - and I know that if she ever found out then that would be the end of it. In my mind, I haven't done anything wrong but she still blames me. So the question begs, how can you tell someone about C/D'ing when you don't even know it yourself???

Kerigirl2009, I agree with you and I hope everything works out for you now that you've come to know yourself better.

[DAVIDA]

Strictly speaking for myself, I told Jean the day I proposed. I was 35 at the time and had never even mentioned it to anyone, ever. I knew her for ten years, and we had recently gotten back together.
It was the hardest thing that I had ever done. I thought that it was something that I HAD to do. I knew that I would not change and I had to give her the choice whether or not to be a part of that "lifestyle".
When I told her, there was no hesitation when she said "So?".
It was Jean who helped me realise that I am not broke. She is the best thing that could have happened to me.
I do have to give cudos to this forum for the fact that I have an outlet of "my kind"!:D
When I first joined here I was definately still in the closet, I just had company. There are several friends who know and support me. Along with both sisters and my mother.
So I guess that is a yes vote for telling "before".:heehee:

[lexygirl]

I do understaned that sometimes people can't tell anyone or even them selves. I, personally told my wife before we got married. I got cold feet and figured that if I told my her about my self she would run...... That didn't work and now she is supportive of me. I got a wife and a best friend out of it. She likes having a shopping partner!!!

[Kerigirl2009]

I have never even thought about a shopping partner. My wife hates shopping but she does love my taste in clothes when I buy them for her that is. LOL :)

[carolinoakland]

I think you made the right choice for you and your circumstances. based on what you knew at the time perfectly reasonable, I spent all these year trying to figure out my cd'ness only to discover that I actually was a GIRL! So, I agree, I couldn't have told any partner upfront about the thing that I couldn't admit to myself. I don't envy you the time it will take for the wife to understand, but this is me thinking this.... true marriage means that you will both find the answer to live the life together as you always have, as partners. Love does conquer all in the end. Carol