How to tell your SO

[LeslieSD]

I have an interesting thought after reading many stories here about telling the SO. I am not sure if my theory makes much sense, but let me share it anyway. Here it is: Would it have a better chance to have your SO accepting your CDing by having it accidentally discovered rather than telling her about it up front?

The reasoning is this: When it is discovered, first reaction seems to be that you are cheating on her. Compared to the hurt of being cheated on, finding out eventually that you are a crossdressor seems is a lesser problem. :-) So she is expecting the worst, and the truth turns out not so bad as originally feared. As long as she still has feeling toward you, it may be a compromisable situation to her (compared to being cheated on).

Consider the other situation, when she is told about the crossdressing. That is a different situation. She was not expecting anything bad from a good relationship, and the now the bad news. So she is expecting a good sailing of the relationship and now the unexpected hurdle came out from nowhere. Even if she has feeling toward you, she may want to negotiate, try to change it, or try to threat breaking up in order to change you.

So maybe we should try to stage a finding instead? :-)

[aggi123]

I dunno, I think being up front would be the best policy (I sound like a hypocrite though since I've never told a single one of my SO's). Though, I definitely do intend on being up front if I ever date again.

[sherri52]

The problem with the finding is that when she does find it she will want to know how long. Now you have been hiding something from her for all that time. What else have you been hiding from her. Tell your SO as soon as you have any kind of opening, the sooner the better. Let her make a decision on good or bad and you explain how it makes you feel good and gives you sensitivity that you wouldn't get as man. The GG's are the ones that would give you a better answer.

[StacyCD]

No magic here but if I could do it over again, I would have told her before--even if it might have meant an end to the relationship. The lack of honesty probably bothered her more than my cding.

[charlytuna]

I feel up front is the best start the relationship being honest and open with other. Have her tell you one of her dark secrets and then you tell yours. It work for me going on 31yrs. now and it works great for both of us

[RADER]

Letting your SO find womans clothing on her own might plant the idea that
they belong to a different woman.:eek: I believe comming out in the open
in a slow and simple way, could be the best. Remember you do not want
to sound like you are covering up or hiding something. The truth is the
best thing. Good luck. Rader

[Leslie Langford]

That's an interesting twist on the "bait and switch" concept usually employed by unscrupulous merchants. Can I also buy an extended warranty to go along with that, which is available for a limited time only and at a nominal cost?

All kidding aside, I do see the rationale in some respects, but I also have to cast my vote with the "tell upfront" camp. And when it comes to wives, better to divulge this crossdressing secret before marriage rather than springing the surprise later.

I was among the latter group when I got married 30+ years ago thinking - like so many others here - that this was a phase that I was going through and that marriage would cure me (NOT!). My wife was less than thrilled to hear of this, and I continue to pay the price for my error of omission to this very day :sad:.

[LeslieSD]

Good discussions. But I think most of you missed the point. The point here is not whether "tell" or keep a secret for years. It is about how to tell the news so there is a better chance of achieving the desired outcome.

[Shelly B.]

Hi Leslie. Been there, Done that! The finding was a catastrophy! I thought that it might be better that way too. Boy was I ever wrong. I don't know if it would have been better telling her up front, but it sure didn't work out the other way! Then again, every one is different. Huggs, Shelly.

[DaisyG]

OK, you have a problem because you have married or otherwise lived with your SO for a period of time without disclosure, then she finds out. Like many of us have, I’ve been there, and I’ll say that’s not a path I’d care to follow a second time. The wounds did heal over time, and my wife was accepting and participating during her last years. I have promised myself that if and when I ever find another special woman, she will know about my CD up front.

The “other woman” issue did not arise when I was “discovered”, for I was caught in the act - - wearing heels and hose. In the conversation which followed I had enough on my hands explaining my lifelong CDing and why I kept it hidden for 30-plus years of marriage.:eek:

If you aren’t caught as I was, but instead your SO happens upon some of your stash or just a single loose article, now you have TWO problems. First, you’ll have to convince her the article(s) really belong to you, not some floozy you’ve snuck into her home. That can erupt into a major conflagration in itself, which you’ll then have to control before getting to the meat of the issue. When you’ve handled that part, your original problem of explaining your CD plus why you had not told her long ago is still facing you. NO, I’d not want to go that way!

Now, if discovery is to be staged, also consider that it’s hard to keep a scene being staged following the script. Things happen, and it just may not go down as planned. :brolleyes:

My hindsight says what I should have done, and what I’d suggest for other CDs owing disclosure to an SO, is first to prepare for a conversation. There are several good threads on this site about what you’ll need to say, how to say it, and suggested supporting materials. But you should try to have your conversation when you can have a block of time free from distractions and not to soon after either you or your SO may have been involved in another problem. Surely not in the immediate aftermath of being discovered.:2c:

Last thought; however it’s done, disclosure to an SO must be truthful and complete. Don’t hide anything, give clear and full answers, and don’t try to add your spin. What you are trying to do is re-establish some basic trust that’s just been thrashed. And have patience. It takes time.:)

Best wishes to all sisters on this site, in dealing with the disclosure issue. It’s one of the thorniest matters we face.:hugs:

Daisy

[Raychel]

To get closer to the desired outcome, Looking back, I would have told my wife when we first started dating. Then she could have dealt with it or run, that would have been her choice. Now we just have to live with it. More or less accepting.

[Shelly Preston]

Good discussions. But I think most of you missed the point. The point here is not whether "tell" or keep a secret for years. It is about how to tell the news so there is a better chance of achieving the desired outcome.

Leslie

Please read the link in my signature on how to tell your partner
It was written by Marla GG who is a member here
It is full of valuable information and it has proved successful in the past

[Sandra]

So you think it may be better to let her find out after maybe years of marriage, not only will she feel untrusted but deceived and lied to, yeah thats sure going to make her feel better about her SO cding.

A lot here don't seem to understand, it is said often enough for most of the SOs cding is not the reason that there is problems, it all of what I have said above..for gods sake don't just let her find out, tell her, the sooner the better.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

It's always better to tell your SO or wife on your own words. This way she hears everything about it from you and on your own terms.

This is much better than allowing your SO or wife to come up with 10 million worse case scenarios on her own if she finds women's clothing.

[KristinSkye]

Leslie

Please read the link in my signature on how to tell your partner
It was written by Marla GG who is a member here
It is full of valuable information and it has proved successful in the past

I don't mean to hijack your thread Leslie, but Shelly, that post in your signature by Marla was amazingly helpful. Based on the advice given I started a little "cheat sheet" with notes and responses to questions for when I have the talk.

[VS Fan]

Hands down, TELL THEM, don't let them FIND OUT. When I came out to my wife, we discussed this very topic and it's all about trust/lying etc etc... telling them lets them know that you're trying to be HONEST and OPEN about it.

A couple of things that helped me were writing it all down. (I think I wrote my "story" about a dozen times and left it with all my stuff in case she DID find it.) The purpose of writing it down is to help you get things straight in your own mind... you have to be HONEST with yourself first.

Then leading up to the actual "event", I started telling myself outloud in the car "I am a crossdresser. I'm not gay, but I like to wear women's clothes..." just to practice the words coming out of my mouth. Sounds silly, but honestly doing THIS was what finally got me the motivation to talk to my wife about it. (Although my approach was to write her a letter since I knew I would never get it all out fast enough to get around the initial questions... I handed her the letter and stood there nervous as hell while she read it.)

Anyway, long story short, telling them before they find out is better... of all the stories you'll read on this forum, trust and hurt from hiding it are nearly always the big issues.

VS Fan

[JenniferR771]

VS Fan is on the right track. I should point out that I was caught dressed by my wife of 25 years. She is now non-cooperative, but she knows I have 8 dresses and 10 wigs in my closet.
However, I suggest if you are hesistant like I was then perhaps you should tell her you like to wear panties. Venture more if the response is positive--or neutral--but if it is really negative--or she asks no questions--don't volunteer more. Or lie like a rug. It should be clear after a few days if she is open-minded or not.

[stargirlGG]

Staging a situation to make it look like you're cheating is about the worst possible scenario I could imagine. Not to mention cruel, dishonest, self serving and sneaky. Think about how you would feel if you believed your SO were cheating on you? You'd be beyond devastated, I'm sure. Then when she realizes that you staged the scenario to protect yourself, that's even worse. If you truly love her, lease put that crazy idea out of your mind.

I discovered my SO's CDing and figured it out for myself. It was incredible difficult to understand in the beginning, but his hiding anything from me was the hardest part to understand. Once I realized the level of shame and embarassment that he was feeling I worked thru all of that and I truly do understand and our relationship is stronger than is if it had not happened.

You owe it to yourself to be honest about who you are and you owe the same level of honesty to her. How ever it plays out, it plays out. I think that going forward in honesty is the only option. Adding more levels of dishonesty is only going to make it worse, IMHO.

[LeslieSD]

Interesting discussion. :-) It looks like the consensus here is to tell straight up instead of staging a discovery.

I am just discussing the idea as a thought after some observation on the posts here. Thanks to the sisters who give suggestions. As of myself, I have told every girlfriend that I had (including the one that is now my wife), and they all accepted and participated to some degree. I can tell you that telling the news is not a deal-breaker, but you do need to be skillful about how to do it. No, I have never tried the "staging" idea myself, so I don't know how it works.

[Paige Valtieri]

Yea, I would definitely say it is better to tell them asap. I know that if I ever get another gf, I'm going to tell her within the first few months (But I only date people I know really well, so she may already know before hand)

[DanaR]

Leslie

Please read the link in my signature on how to tell your partner
It was written by Marla GG who is a member here
It is full of valuable information and it has proved successful in the past

I have to agree with Shelly. How you tell her is up to you, you know her best. While I was reading this thread and the link that Shelly suggested, I thought about how I would do this; if I had to do it again.

What I thought about was a letter, to your spouse (that you read to her or she could read), based on Marla GG's thoughts.

Another way might be to use an outline of Marla GG's thoughts as a basis for your discussion.

[DaisyG]

What I thought about was a letter, to your spouse (that you read to her or she could read), based on Marla GG's thoughts.


As mentioned by Dana and others, disclosing to your SO with the help of a letter has its merits. Not the least, you can better ensure covering all that you feel needs to be said, and using your best language to do so.

I did not have that opportunity, as I was suddenly discovered - - see my earler post in this thread. Nevertheless I used a letter to good advantage as a follow-up a month or so later.

My wife was beginning to soften as she tried to sort out the pieces. I wrote her a letter thanking her profusely for her open-mindedness and understanding, and for helping me rid myself of that huge load of guilt we closeted CDs cary. I know my letter helped greatly on her trek that started at rejection and denial, slowly winding thru the emotional minefield of acknowledgement, and on to acceptance and some participation.

If a letter seems as it may help, go ahead and put pen to paper. You won't regret it.

Daisy

[claire2454]

hi Leslie
i belive i know where you are comming from as in some way i wish i had told my SO when we frist meet or at least into the relasionship that i was a crossdresser but i didn't, (cowadly me). she found out from a text message from a friend that was sent to my phone. to which my SO reads as i have nothing to hide, (except my CDing). well not any more and we now have rules just like most of the girls. which is good for us both.

:love:

[Magickman]

Rather than face a scene down the road, I prefer the initial meeting with women be when I am dressed up. That gets the whole issue out of the way before she is anything close to a SO.

No secrets, no surprises, no problems.