Need opinions about what I found on my sons pc? [Archive] - Crossdressers.com - #1 Community & Forum for Crossdressers, Family and Friends

Natalie x

08-02-2005, 06:57 PM

Just adding my bit to Rainbow and Daffodil - be careful how you respond at this stage, but watch his behaviour and act on that.

He may have heard other kids talking about stuff and just wanted to understand better (an admirable trait) or he may be experiencing some of the confusing feelings of puberty or pre-puberty (don't know his age) which he will probably grow through.

You could try just opening a door to conversation with him by saying something like "I remember at your age I had all kinds of questions. Is there anything I can help you with?" but challenging him on the basis of what you found is not a good way to deal with it.

pattysue

08-02-2005, 06:58 PM

I have not said anything to either of them so far. I was kind of thinking about keeping it to my self. At his age if I remember right I was wishing to be a girl, so who would I be to say something is right or wrong that he's looking at to figure his self out? I know the way people go through life is their own joruney. But, some times people need a little guidance. I don't think it is time for that yet. I also think that the progress that I've made with his mom about me CD'ing would become a problem for her. :rolleyes:

Daphnie-Duck

08-02-2005, 06:58 PM

It's also possible that many of those addresses in his history are from unwanted popups that occur just through normal Web browsing.

kazeparker

08-02-2005, 07:20 PM

Ok, I'm probably only a couple of years away from your son's age since I'm still in my teens, so maybe I could shed some light on your son's perspective.

When I was younger, I developed what could be called a curiosity about a variety of sexual things. Not to the point where I was a sex-obsessed porn-crazy teen, but I was still curious enough to search the internet and try to broaden my horizons about the large world of sexual behavior. It was a process where I was trying to find myself, but I couldn't bring any of those ideas up in discussion to my parents or friends. Mainly because I knew they'd find my thoughts abnormal or unusual, even if I and a community such as this one wouldn't (it was things concerning transgender online literature and images, to make it clear what exactly was going on in my head). I never had any intention of finding a way to purchase memberships or buy videos, I just needed to experiment a bit and decide how I worked based off of my mental habits.

I'd have died if my parents found out.

Why? Well, because my side of the story wouldn't be understood. I'd be labeled as a porn-addicted child that shouldn't be allowed access to the internet and a kid with a messed up brain. Well, that can't be determined. That phase lasted about a year before I grew out of it and moved on to other interests, such as my focus on music. They never found out; I'll never know how they would have reacted. But I always imagined the worst-case scenario, and no matter what they said, even if they were supportive, that would have still tore me to pieces in trust issues. The only time I felt it'd be ok for them to know how I think is if I were to tell them, if it seriously needed to be told because that was the person I was.

I think you should only talk with him if he's spending any money (most likely your money) on access to the sites, or purchasing videos, images, or other pornographic material on- or offline. If it turns into a real addiction to the point where he needs to buy it and the purchases make an impact on finances (or he has to go behind your back and use your payment methods to obtain it), then it's definitely worth a chat.

The best way I can put it into perspective, I think, is this: it's as if you've been crossdressing and no one knows you've ever crossdressed because you've done so well at keeping it a secret, yet one day your wife (or friend, child) finds a bra that is not your wife's and belongs to you. Certainly that's not the way most people would want to be found out about their habits and the feelings you'd have would be extremely negative concerning your predicament. If you can imagine what you'd feel if you were in that scenario, that's most likely how your son will feel if he is confronted about his own.

You no doubt love your child and want only for his happiness, and because of that I have to suggest letting him find himself as we all must do throughout our lives, and give him the benefit of the doubt that he'll make the right choices and things will turn out ok. Only in an extreme circumstance should you intervene. I guarantee if he had a way to know that you had come to that decision to leave him be, he would thank you from the bottom of his heart.

susandrea

08-02-2005, 07:33 PM

I don't think I'd say anything, either. But I would keep an eye on him, and at an opportune moment when a like subject comes up, let him know that you are aware he's getting older and curious and if he has any questions then you are there for him and the two of you can talk to each other like adults now.

If he finds out you've been "snooping" (he'll probably see it that way) he may be embarrassed and become super secretive and paranoid. He may even resent you for it.

If he does (miraculously) open up to you, let him know that there's no shame in being curious, but he should be careful that he gets a balanced picture of what sex and sexuality is all about, and that a lot of porn sites only show extremes. You might even steer him to a few sites that you approve of that will give him more balanced info and also show him that you respect that fact that he's growing up and becoming a man.

Here's a few you might be interested in:

http://www.sxetc.org/

http://www.adolescentsexuality.com/

http://teensexuality.studentcenter.org/

and loads more:

http://dmoz.org/Kids_and_Teens/Teen_Life/Sexuality/

And don't forget your daughter, too!

You sound like a very caring parent. :thumbsup:

Maude

08-02-2005, 07:39 PM

The other day I was setting up security on our wireless router for our computers. I had to go and change settings on my daughter's, son's and our computer. To get it set up. When I was on my sons, I came across the history by accident (he uses Net Scape) instead of Explorer. What I saw was he had searched for ugly lesbians, gay porn and she males. I have not talked to him about this. Nor I have told my wife. My question is should I talk to both or either of them? :confused:

Thanks, Pattysue

if you were not invited into the computer i don't think it is up for discussion.
i think it is his private diary and should be kept so !
i don't wan't anyone sneaking around my computer ?

Paula Rae

08-02-2005, 07:55 PM

Hey Pattysue,

You may not want to hear this, but here it is anyway.
Does your son know that you are a CrossDresser? Maybe he's FOUND OUT about you and he's just trying to figure out what you're doing or what you are. Could he have seen your web history?

Lots to think about!

Ricki B

Stephanie Brooks

08-02-2005, 08:14 PM

Pattysue, I wouldn't worry.

Geez, kazeparker reminded me of when I was a kid, a long time before the net. This was in the early 70s.

We got ahold of magazines, books, and films, mostly hardcore things. One book I remember was called "Pony Lover" or something like that. Were we sex crazed? Nope. Just horny. VERY horny.

I still access things online, especially things that are, uh, "exciting" but usually they're things I wouldn't do in real life. It's a safe way to explore things. I don't cheat on my wife, I've been married to the same woman for nearly 21 years, and we have a healthy 6 1/2 year old girl. I guess I turned out okay.

Lisa Maren

08-02-2005, 08:54 PM

Hi everyone

There's one thing I haven't seen anyone touch on yet in this thread. If he has his browser configured to display the history in the browser window (which my brother does, presumably for his convenience in finding sites again later), then as soon as he gets back on his machine and sees the new security set-up he'll know instantly that you've found him out, so there is that to think about. It's very hard for a kid to know his parents have found out something he doesn't want them to know and yet they're not bringing it up. That is very, very weird for a kid, I'm sure.

I would snoop on my kids at least to some extent because the truth is kids don't always tell their parents who they're talking to online and things of that nature and because there are dangers involved in certain things a parent has to do certain things like some snooping in the interest of the kid's safety.

It's never fun and it always feels wrong, but at the same time, *you* have to be the parent because your kid certainly won't.

Good luck!

Hugs,
Lisa

StephanieCD

08-02-2005, 09:01 PM

A violation of privacy even if 'accidental' loses more trust than good intentions can repair.

Forbidden fruit tastes sweeter.

Be honest with yourself about your intentions in intervening and if you decide to continue tread lightly.

kathy gg

08-02-2005, 09:08 PM

Clare

08-02-2005, 09:09 PM

Hi Pattysue.

At this point in time, i wouldn't discuss anthing with your Son. Let things be as young men all go through this phase at some stage in their lives.

My advice is to keep an eye on your Son and check that he his behaviour is not being affected in any way. Also, he may try to subtly raise a topic with you if he is confused in any way, so listen out and respond with a delicate touch.

I don't think it wise to interfere with his life unless it becomes necessary.

Christine.

Tristen Cox

08-02-2005, 09:53 PM

He may be more embaressed than anything if you bring this up. I was when my father found me wearing a certain garment and things were changed after that(distanced to be precise) Take care in your decision. You only get the choice once.

Rainbow6562005

08-02-2005, 10:01 PM

I still remember fondly my first taste of porno: there was a pamphlet us twelve-year olds were fascinated with, back in the late-1940s; it seems Popeye and Olive Oyl were...
Rainbow ;)

Sierra

08-02-2005, 11:06 PM

You will go far ,your parents are proud of you! :thumbsup:

Val Tan

08-03-2005, 12:47 AM

i remember when i was much younger and my dad found porn sites in the history, he told me not to visit such sites. it was awkward. obviously i denied it. and it only made me more careful. so i think silence would be better.

Sweet Jeanette

08-03-2005, 01:29 AM

Good God!---Leave the kid alone!---If your the one that bought the computer for him, and put it in his room, and gave him access to the "World Wide Web", ---what do you Expect? ---Does he have a door to his room?---If so, and it is closed, when he's in there, that is his "privacy place"!---He thinks he's safe there. ---Respect it!---If he has questions, ---in time, if he wants, he will ask you!---He may not, but Id bet you, down the road, he will.---The web is available at school, and librarys, and, Im sure, at other places: ---like a neighbors house?---Think about it! ---Todays kids are different, seeking information, like we did back in the 60s and 70s & the 80s, but NOW, they have a whole new weapon at their disposal: ---The Internet! Your boy is "Learning". ---Let him learn!---If he has questions, he will come to you,-sooner, or later. -----Don't Press him!------Most kids are not as dumb as you may think!---Actually, most are pretty sharp! :thumbsup: ---I ought to know. I work with kids every day!---Oh, by the way,---you say you have a wireless router?---Thats a real good way to get Hacked! ---My router is hard-wired!

Tamara Croft

08-03-2005, 01:42 AM

Good God!---Leave the kid alone!---If your the one that bought the computer for him, and put it in his room, and gave him access to the "World Wide Web", ---what do you Expect?
Put yourself in the parents shoes for one minute. You find your child looking for ugly lesbians, gay porn and she males.... is this really what ANY child should be looking for on the internet? or should this PC for a child been set up so the child didn't have access to search for this in the first place. The only person so far that has made any sense in this thread is Kathy... you can't leave a child alone to do what they like..... The internet is a dangerous place for young children and should be protected against it at all cost.

pattysue

You have to ask yourself why your son was looking for this sort of stuff in the first place. It is an odd thing for a child to start looking for. I can't see it being what all his mates are doing, so maybe your son knows or has an idea about your crossdressing and has found sites with crossdressers on it with links to ugly lesbians, gay porn and she males. It is up to you how you deal with it, but imo, you should make his pc internet safe.

Angela Burke

08-03-2005, 02:12 AM

"Ugly lesbians?"
Hmmmm?

Angela

Melissa Ryan

08-03-2005, 03:55 AM

You will go far ,your parents are proud of you! :thumbsup:
I agree with this Kazeparker! Thank you for your input! It is actualy helpful to me for other related reasons. Please keep on keeping on with us!!

.............Melissa...............

joni-alice

08-03-2005, 04:45 AM

Well. if the kid found out about your CDing (assuming he doesn;t know) you wouldnt want him to make a big fuss about it, would you?

Looking at such things, which are readily available, seems quite natural to me.
He will get over it. I did after I first discovered internet porn in my 50s....

Would probably keep it to myself too, unless the spouse is not hysterical...If I told my Ex anything like that, we would both work ourselves up into a frenzy.

Don't think it is a big deal -- at least if there is no confrontation.

Just an idle thought -- what if you found he was into cd?

shavenraven

08-03-2005, 05:56 AM

Leave him in peace to discover what the world is about and where he might stand in the grand scheme.

I began to dress when I was 14 and I would have died had my father discovered my little secret. Imagine how he might feel if you bring it to his attention.

"Ugly lesbians " isn't so bad compared to some of the topics on the net.

Discovery is part of growing up.

JamieDP

08-03-2005, 06:58 AM

What mature responses from some of the yonger ones.

My thoughts - perhaps with this ever changing world and kids growing up way to fast for our liking, it is time to "think outside the box". I would suggest not saying anything specific to your child about this in particular unless you really think your child is in danger or something. But I would suggest, finding an alternate way of being involved in your child's life and activities to get the information you need. This approach won' t get instant results, but will take a bit of time to cultivate. There are some parents I know such as myself, though grit their teeth at things, remain calm and accept the open discussion like friends. This is one of those moments it may pay off to be a friend to your child more than a parent. You'll get far more information....you as the parent can always jump back into parent mode if the child displays dangerous or harmful behavior.

Now I have to say, my son is only 7, but computers and tv's only remain in common areas where I can monitor what is going on. Not until their old enough to "buy" their own will I allow their own personal PC, etc.

Definitely consider, what if your son knows something about your crossdressing?

Remember many of our threads talk about us crossdressers starting young, and questioning our sexuality at young ages, and taking a long time....perhaps maybe you are witnessing this early stage, where he has realized the urges and desires to dress in femme, and is questioning what this means to him right now. Remember many of us state that we started dressing as early as 4 or 5.

There are so many psychological aspects that can be brought into this? Do you or your wife notice and garments missing? Do you notice any familiar traits....you may be just looking at a mini-you, and that's not so bad is it?

eleventhdr

08-03-2005, 07:23 AM

Like frist off how old is your son. And then second what the devil busniess is it of your's to spying on him that way or if it was an accident then I would just maybe mention it very briefly. i just do not understand in this day and age what the whole big deal is about this kind of stuff. The heck when i was growing up this was not that big a deal if you found out you found out and none the wiser. But now it's like an obbsetion to wipe it all out. What the devil is it of anyone's what people look at by themselves and unless he or anyone becomes addicted to it then and only then would i ever step in. I am very tired of this stuff that this is somekind of epidemic that has to be controlled or something how the heck are you ever going to know about anything unless you find out about it somehow.wether it is any kind of knowledge or what have you it all serves it's purpoase. This is my opinion give it or leave it. Suzy And another thing if and when you ever want him to know and really understand then do not tramitize him by confronting him like it is evil or something that is what happened to us with the previous generration they were so hung up with ever thing they just could not see anything else at all beyond there limited vision thus there whole problems of never talking abouit anything but really weird stuff which has nothing to do with the real world whatsoever. So sorry to blast of nbut this stuff just bugs me to much. Suzy! Now ever one is afraid of there own shawdows!.

Melissa Ryan

08-03-2005, 08:47 AM

Kazeparker, what an amazing and inciteful young person you sound, I found your comments (excuse me for this) so adult for one so young. Kudos to your parents for bringing up such an understanding person. You sound like you would make a wonderful Parent one day. I was really taken with your post it was so thoughtful and well written.
Thankyou for sharing with us.......Lyn......Melissa Ryans SO........

Tiffy

08-03-2005, 09:11 AM

I am not going to try and give you any guidance. You need to do what you think is right. But, I will just throw out a few points of view....

First off this whole privacy thing if f@#*ing nuts, IMHO unless your child is over the age of eighteen then there is no privacy right. I am not saying they do not need their space, but privacy from everything? Nope don't think so. (Geez officer, I did not know my child was in a cult, or building bombs in their room. They have total privacy.) Not picking on anyone here, I have seen this shit on the news. I think we a responsible to at least keep any eye on our kids. How you react is your choice.

Second, when we were young there was not so much info available at such an early age. So I think maybe, our children may need some guidance. Maybe even in suttle ways. Maybe he knows about your dressing, and is trying to understand or maybe he has these feelings as well.

Third, do what you think is right. Do not let us influence how you raise your child. If you were the child what would you want your parents to do?

Kisses, April

Ellaine

08-03-2005, 11:12 AM

Chances are, if you mention finding the links, he'll go all defensive. No matter what his motives, or how it came about, it is an oportunity for you.

If he gets to know that you are not judgemental and he can talk to you without embarassment, then better for you both. Youngsters naturally jump to the conclusion, that if "found out" dabbling in naughtyness, they will be misunderstood and criticised.
This is a challenge to your diplomacy, (keep it light and file under "mens stuff" lol ) and a chance to score some respect between the two of you.

Remember teen-age philosophy seems to begin with..."If you ain't with us, you're agin us!" :confused:

hugs Ell :)

lara_myklund

08-03-2005, 03:36 PM

I think that despite all the scare stories, the Internet can be a good and safe place to find out about a lot of issues around sex and sexuality. There is a lot of filth out there, but there is also a lot of sense. There are resources out there (like this site) that I would have found invaluable as a teenager. At the end of the day, the cyber-world is a much safer place than the real world.
You just have to make sure that your kids know the difference between the two, that who people appear to be on the web isn't nessescarily the same as who they are in reality (us lot are a prime example). This is general techno-sense, not just for sexual web content, but for other technologies like mobile phones.
As for going for the lowest common denominator on the web, the sort of kids who'd find the real filth on the web, would have found the same sort of stuff in magazines ten or twenty years ago (although they'd probably have had to go to greater lengths to find it).
If I were you, I wouldn't talk to your son about his surfing. The last person on earth I'd have wanted to talk to about that sort of thing would be my parents (even though I'm fairly confident my mother would've been quite supportive of my CD issues). So long as make it clear to him that you're there for him when he needs you, and you're confident in his ability not to put himself in danger.
My kids are both girls, and whilst I don't think they're easy to raise, they're a lot more transparent than boys can be.
Good luck

Marianne

08-03-2005, 04:09 PM

I think I'd just add...

Are you sure it's your son looking at that stuff on his computer?

There are *other* people in the house...

Personally, I'd simply offhandly leave an article about browser caches laying around. That way the 'guilty' party should *know* that someone has 'detected' their activity and they then have the opportunity to bring the subject up in private if they're feeling 'guilty', 'confused' or self-conscious.

Katie Gray

08-03-2005, 05:36 PM

It could also be annoying pop-up sites.

~Tammy~

08-03-2005, 05:50 PM

I actually agree with kazeparker though it does depend how old he is.

I would say that at 16 they should be allowed to be able to find out these things on their own without the embarressment of ones parents finding out.

I did plently of *ahem* research *cough* on the internet and magazines into different lifestyles and sexuality when I was younger and it never did me any harm. Tamara... Shhh!

heatherCD8772

08-03-2005, 06:31 PM

I agree with the vast majority of everyone else. I am not that old myself at 22. So, with that being said I started dressing at an early age and when I was a teenager we had the internet. Well just like others on here have said I too looked at that kind of thing I must say that if my parents had found out it would have really borken my trust with them. Who know maybe they did know and just never said anything and if so I am glad because who know how I would feel towards them now if they would have. I agree just watch his behavior to see if their may be a problem that needs to be addressed, but more than most likely it is just a phase that most teenagers go through.

Sarah-Louise

08-04-2005, 03:01 AM

i think you should not so much talk to your son but listen to him
if you think stoping him giong on the internet is going to stop him your wrong hes exploring himself and i cant see whats wrong with that if he into that type of thing hes best doing it at home where you know hes safe

Tamara Croft

08-04-2005, 03:54 AM

I did plently of *ahem* research *cough* on the internet and magazines into different lifestyles and sexuality when I was younger and it never did me any harm. Tamara... Shhh!Shh?? don't you know you shouldn't tell a woman to shh!!! Although I agree to a point...... I do still believe that unless the child is over 16, the line has to be drawn somewhere. We don't know how old the son is, we are all just assuming he is under 16 years old. If we can establish the sons correct age, we can give better advice suited for that age group. As parents we have our concerns and we have to keep children safe. Even if they are in the safety of their own home, that doesn't mean that they are. You hear the stories of people luring children in these chat channels, pretending they are someone they are not. I think the key word here is 'educate'. Sorry to ramble on, but I'm a parent and when I hear advice like, 'leave him to it' it really doesn't sit too well with me.

If the title had read 'daughter' instead of 'son', do you think you would have all given the same advice?

Tristen Cox

08-04-2005, 05:45 AM

16's a thought but if it's a legal thingy US sites always 'ask are you over 18'.

Anyhow I picked up on one person's post here: Katie Gray in reference to pop ups. We know these leave crap that stays in the registry. Could it be that these were only things that were loaded as a result of visiting one site? To be honest when I 'experimented' with the net a little, one site equaled five pop ups and on and on. I eventually figured out how to get rid of them but until then I was getting them even when I came to visit this place :eek: It could be something like that...
0.02

crispy

08-04-2005, 09:15 AM

I don't think pattysue has told us how old her son is, so it is hard to give an answer. If he's over 16 (or 18, you decide) I would have to say: leave him to explore.

If he's under 16 I would suggest he shouldn't have unlimited exploring rights. Use parental controls on the computer.

Stephanie Brooks

08-04-2005, 09:49 AM

If the title had read 'daughter' instead of 'son', do you think you would have all given the same advice?
Probably, and I have a daughter.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0312269218/qid=1123166174/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/103-1294198-5245457?v=glance&s=books

The woman who wrote this described some interesting activities she initiated with one of her childhood friends when they were kids. She was into tying her friend. 'Nuf said.

Sure, I'd be concerned about chatroom or IM activities especially as regards predators, but if someone - boy or girl - is reading something as described in the initial post I wouldn't worry too much about it.

I mentioned reading some pretty hardcore things when I was a kid. "Kid" in this case was 11 to 12 years old. Sex is interesting, and sex is exciting, especially when puberty hits. It's natural, and the interest in kids regarding sex will happen. I think it's how we raise kids that determines how they deal with sex in their lives.

Tamara Croft

08-04-2005, 11:50 AM

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12213

Read post #129 by Amelie. She has summed this thread up pretty damn well.

Rachel_740

08-04-2005, 12:02 PM

Pattysue,

You don't give any indication of your sons age. If he is under 16 then he certainly shouldn't be looking at that sort of thing (nor should he LEGALLY under 18, but from 16 to 18 I'd give him some leeway). If he's over 18 then I don't see any problem at all - it's his life to have his preferences etc.

However, if he's under 16 or you're not happy with this sort of stuff being linked to your IP address, just set up your security to ban him from getting it.

If he's 18 and you're going to clamp down on your security I think it would be curtious to let him know you're tightening security and why.

Sounds like I'm nagging you when I read this back :rolleyes:

Anne

TrueGemini'sWife GG

08-04-2005, 01:26 PM

You never mentioned his age or just how 'savy' he is online. Without knowing those things...

First off, I would follow the line of reasoning that says back off from this, if he is over the age of 16.

If he is under 16 you need to think about netnanny or some other form of cyber kid protection. And like another members said there is always a chance it was an annoying pop up that dug it's claws in his history. If this is the case installing some good deterants from this and a net nanny might make you feel that he is not going or looking at things you don't believe he is ready to fully understand.

Now I am sure this will make me sound like a total wet blanket, but I think under the age of 16, boys or girls should have some sort of supervision regarding what sort of sexually explicit material they are exposed to. I mean there were episodes of Friends that would have made me uncomfortable watching with a 15 or 16 year old. And I do respect that fact that children generally are exposed to alot of adult content much sooner than I was (I am 33) when growing up, but as a parent you have to take some responsiblity for what they are allowed to see. You may not be able to control what other families do or what he does at his friends houses on their computers, but you can control what he does in your home. And if your core values tell you that his age is too young to see that much sexually explicit material then you need to adress this in the most tech savy way possible as to not let him know you have been snooping.

hugs
kathy in canada

As a Mother of 5, 2 at the age of 13 and 14, here is my
0.02
As April said, until they are 18 years old, there is NO privacy! Gem and I only allow the children to use AOL, because we were able set up their web browsing, appropriate with their age. And we get a report of all their online activity. They are MORE than aware of this and have no problem with it. Why? Because WE are the parents. WE set the rules. WE enforce them, together.

Soon enough the children will be over the legal age and subjected to all sorts shit this world has to offer. But they are children only ONCE! It is our, (Gem and I), responsibility to ensure that is not taken from them before too early. We also monitor what they watch on TV and listen to as far as music goes.

And on a side note. If Gem were to keep a secret like that from me????
:mad:
There would be hell to pay for sure. Just ask him.

Tamara had a VERY good point. If it were a daughter, would you feel the same way?

kathy gg

08-04-2005, 02:04 PM

Several people have said that they themselves saw plenty of pornographic material and turned out great and the author of a book played with s&m as a youngster, and yaadyada.....

But this is (and was) the point of me thinking this should be dealt with. And nipped as soon as possible...becuase just that. kids ARE exposed and will take part in all sorts of risque' , dangerous, off-limits behavior plenty (before age 16 or 18) wihtout getting your go ahead and approval. Teens want as much untethered freedom and no matter how much you 'give' they will always want more. By not doing anything as parent it is saying 'anything' goes.

There is only one childhood to have. yes sexuality is part of it, but there is a world of difference between an open dailog with parent and child regarding all avenues of sex and a kid having to see the 'worst' of it online.

And I am with Gem's wife.... if Amanda knew that Cleo had done something out of line and did not tell me, then the whole parenting process is being compromised. The united front that we have as mom and dad is now broken. Not a good way to set rules and have them enforeced....

kathy in canada

KewTnCurvy GG

08-04-2005, 02:18 PM

Hmmmmm, well glancing at other responses; I'd say a few things:

1) If he's under 18 and under your roof, then I think you have a right and responsibility to know what he may be looking at. That said, would I really take it all the way to age 18, probably no. It sounds like most who feel you have a right to monitor his computer viewing agree that it should be no older than 16 and that sounds fair and reasonable to me. I'll add here for those who are so concerned about his privacy. My lil' neo-nazi, skin headesque, ex-marine of a brother was looking up how to build pipe bombs and such at 16. I think, since he proceeded with making them (and this was around Columbine) they should have intervened. But they didn't and nothing happened. However, think of issue of rights to privacy with this scenario in mind, kinda changes it a bit, huh?

2) Not tell his mother? Parents and spouses work best if they're a united front and trust is secure between them.

3) Talk to him? Again, depending on the age. If he's 12, well then hell yes! If he's 17, then perhaps not.

4) Privacy and internet access in your home by minors; what is your policy? If it were me, I would tell my child that if you're on the internet it's my responsibility and right to know about where you maybe going and with whom you maybe talking. Expect that I will random monitor and it would also be clear as to what sights he/she may visit in general and what sights would cause me concern and get my attention.

5) I wonder if we were talking about a female child if the answers by the other members would be the same?

Tristen Cox

08-04-2005, 03:03 PM

Ok coming from a different angle, I spoke on this only as a member but seem to have got some flack because it wasn't said like a parent. I was trying to remain nuetral to that respect but I will defend my beliefs now with your kind permission.

First I would have security settings on max from day one before my child ever got his/her hands on the computer and these would be password only so only I could change them. If for some reason I had not done this and found this type of thing on the computer, I would immediately set the security all the way up as mentioned above and definitly discuss this with my wife to see what she had to say about it. Also I would look for other little tell tales from my child that this is more(or not more) than just something on the computer.

I am truly scared to raise a child in this world to be honest, there's so many things they can get mixed up in and my nerves would drive me crazy. It's like they say about drugs, one thing leads to another. This can happen from the internet just as easy. I feel for you who do have children and the amount of love and courage involved being a parent. I do dream of having my own family. I only hope that if I ever do I can be half the parent some of you are:o

I do hope these responses are helping you Patty. My best to you.

Tiffy

08-04-2005, 04:20 PM

The reason I said what I said in my first post is because of a friends daughter.

She was 15 and had a computer and her parents did not keep tabs on what she was doing on there because they thought she was old enough to make her own decisions. One night she left to see her new boyfriend, whom she did not tell her parents she had mat on the web. They picked her up 50 miles from here two days later in the hospital. Beaten badly by her boyfriend. He was nowhere to be found. She now carries a baby by a man who beat her and left her. And she is just 15.

I know that is not the same. But my point is, when is privacy more important that the safety of your child? You never know what is next.

April

Stephanie Brooks

08-04-2005, 10:58 PM

Thanks for the views, especially those that differ from mine. Need to think about a few things a little more.

Sierra

08-05-2005, 08:28 PM

Thanks for the nice coment.I'm a bit shy so please excuse me,but some one out there heard me ....Wow my mind is blown that made me feel happy.Have a great day to you.You look beautiful in your ave.

Honey GG

08-08-2005, 02:46 PM

I am kind of comming into this thread late but I will add my 2cents....
First of all you should tell your wife about what you found and the 2 of you should come to a joint decesion as to what to do about it.
I have 4 kids, 3 boys 26,18 and 10 and a 23 year old daughter. All except have had computers for many years (except the 10yr old) All were told up front that while they live in our house they will follow our rules, that means no Porn and as long as they want the 'gift' of having the internet they would also follow the house rules. We can and have checked their history when we want to, which is not very often. As long as they gave us no reason to need to check. WE don't consider this snooping. We did catch the 18 yr old looking at some sites that were bending the house rules, we talked to him about what he was looking at and how would he feel if his little brother saw that? Now these sites were not porn but pretty dang close! He got off with a warning. (he was 16 by the way)
My husband and I did talk to him and let him know that we understand all about his sexual curiosity, but looking at Porn was not the way to find out about a healthy sex life. We were not going to nag on him about it, we made our view clear and will let him made what we hope are the right choices.
At the very least talk to your son about his choices, the sites you mention sound pretty raunchy, is that they way you want him to view females?
Would you want your daughters boyfriend looking at them?
Sex- we can't hide our kids from it, it's everywhere and it is up to us as parents to guide our kids and help them make good choices.
Our 10 year old just got a computer, no internet yet, he just plays games- he is the poker king! But when he does get internet you can be sure he will be tightly controlled as to what he can see, who he can talk to and how much time he spends on it and yes we will be checking his history- that's our job as parents to keep our kids safe.

Honey