advice required

[pernille d]

sorry but its one of those posts again but i could do with a bit of advice from you girls .

i wont bore you all with the details but to get straight to the point , i am fed up of hideing in the closset and i want to come out , for a long time i have been on edge and it has put a lot of stress on me and the marrage ,and i cant go on anymore like this as i feel my life is one big mess .

we where watching TV and a gay dating show and I found out agian tonight that my wife is quite broad minded and she even called me a little square and old fashioned in my views, ( little does she know how much wrong she could be and i know i could shock her there) .so i know she does not think that type of thing is 100% bad

i am just frightened to come out to her because of her reaction, it could go 2 ways , she could see it as the last straw or go the other way and explain everything and maybe be the start of something new .

does anyone have any similar experiences or some helpfull coments , as i feel like i might as well tell her as what more can go wrong . or is that the wrong way to see things

[Tora]

It could go many ways! Sometimes "Talk" works wonders. My bride purchased my first nylon nightgown years ago. I tend to understand after 37 years, what my ground rules are. Conversation will estabilish yours. I now have nightie privlidges every night, most of which I purchase in dupticate, as she needs nightgowns anf panties too. Good luck.

[sissystephanie]

Tora gave you some very good advice. You need to have a conversation with your wife concerning your desire to CD. Don't try to push her, let her take the lead. It sounds as though she would be receptive, so try it. She may already know more than you think she does! Good luck, and let us know what happens!

[Trudyann]

Only one way to find out, ask. But ask as "What if I was a crossdresser, what would you think of me." Or "Let's pretend I was a crosser and you found out, how would react?"
There are many ways you can ask without giving your self away. You could also start a conversation about knowing a crossdresser and wonder what she thought about crossdressers.

[Hope]

The only one who can know your wife's reaction is you (and her - but she is not accessible to us right?).

Some wives are great about this, some are horrible. It depends on the wife, and on the state of the marriage. Do you have a good marriage? Or are you on the brink of adding the last straw to the overburdened camel?

Either way, as you are learning, you have to be yourself, and you have to live life for yourself. Your wife certainly gets input, but she hardly gets to force you to behave in a way that pleases only her.

[pernille d]

i know talk is the way to go , but thats not my strong point , and have problems making my feelings known + come across so that does makes it it a bit worse,

i do have a gut feeling my wife is understanding tywill , but the problem is she really longs for a man in her life and that i am , so what will she say if she finds out the man in her life is not all that he is made up to be ,

[Sandra]

Explain that you are finding it hard to say how you feel and ask her not to interupt until you have finished.

Tell her you will try and answer her questions and address her concerns as honestly as you can.

We cannnot say how she will react, hopefully it will be in a good way..you could maybe suggest that she join here and chat with other SOs in FAB.

Good luck

[pernille d]

no one knows how she would react , thats the big problem for a lot of things for us , if we knew the outcome before would be good it would save us a lot of worry and stress but alass life is not that easy

[Sandra]

See this is why telling before things get serious and definatley before marriage is a good thing.

One thing I will add is don't let her find out, as that could cause more problems.

[Shelly Preston]

Please read the link in my signature

It has lots of useful information on how to tell her should you decide to do so

It may give you some ideas for discussion first

[sonia_dargency]

Hard to say what is right to do or how to do it, but being miserable is not healthy.

I had the same urge to come out, could not live in fear no more. My wife sort of knew about me CD but that was the “don’t want to hide anymore” talk.

My wife is an open minded person, we have gay friends, older friends, younger friends, our couple is kind of unusual (I am 19 years younger) and a bit eccentric, yet…
My delivery and timing were so bad that the result was a domestic disaster we still work at fixing for a year now; I believe that in my case there was not much I could do to avoid her reaction.

Nevertheless, I felt relieved, guilt free, more glad to be me, nylon was good again, I even ventured further and tried make up, the girl inside showed unexpected in the mirror. I felt so great.

Even if I still don’t put my crossdressing in her face, the problem is no longer me being CD, the problem is making it work between us.

So I am working on phase 2 now.

Be strong, be unafraid, good luck , stay in touch

Best

Sonia

PS - Shelly, great link (How to tell your partner), thank you for sharing

S

[pernille d]

intersting point , thanks for reminding me sonia , does comming out just cure one problem and replace it with another ,

i often wonder that its my problem, what and who i am , so is it not best to suffer in silence to spare problems for others .

[AKAMichelle]

intersting point , thanks for reminding me sonia , does comming out just cure one problem and replace it with another ,

i often wonder that its my problem, what and who i am , so is it not best to suffer in silence to spare problems for others .

Considering that I did just that for 25+ years, I can tell you from experience that it will wear you out. You will not find peace in your life as long as you aren't honest with yourself and others. I finally reached a point in my life where I had to tell. It went very poorly, but I'm still glad to have been honest with myself and others. I have no regrets because I was tired of hiding myself from everyone. If they can't accept me, then I don't want to be around them.

[Jilmac]

I don't share your dilemma but perhaps I can offer a few suggestions. Try throwing a few questions her way to feel out her reaction. Mention the gay dating program and ask her what she thinks of men who dress as women. If her reaction is favorable, then ask if she has ever seen anyone personally. If the answer is no, ask what she'd think if she did see somebody. If her answer is still favorable, download some pictures of the most femme looking girls you can find from this forum to show her. Be sure to include a picture of yourself in the mix and see if she recognizes you. If she doesn't, remove all of them but yours and ask her what she thinks of the person in the picture. Tell her that all the pictures were of men dressed as women, if her reaction is still positive, come clean and tell her the last one is you.

I wish you all the luck in the world and hope the outcome is favorable. Keep us posted on her reaction.

[sherri52]

It could go either way, but nothing changes if you don't try. She has called you old fashioned. Maybe she is a little more open minded than you give her credit for. Conversation is the best way to keep a marriage, give it a try

[msniki48]

i know talk is the way to go , but thats not my strong point , and have problems making my feelings known + come across so that does makes it it a bit worse,

i do have a gut feeling my wife is understanding tywill , but the problem is she really longs for a man in her life and that i am , so what will she say if she finds out the man in her life is not all that he is made up to be ,

I think the that when you talk to her, you can't think of yourself as less than what she hoped for...as you say in your last sentance[the man in her life is not all that he is made up to be ] you are actually much more than she hoped you'd be. you are GENDER Blessed! you have the strength of the man with the nurturing and sensative side of a woman. you can see things from her perspective as well as a man's. you can share so much more quality time together doing the things you both would like to do, not just what the male side of you prefers. your dressing is only part of what you are.[ an expression of who you are] tell her the positives, and you will find her much more receptive. there are books on this subject and plenty of links....check them out

honesty is what you want in this relationship

hugs, niki

[Guinevere LaChance]

How healthy is the relationship to start with?

If it's strong and you've been a supportive spouse you'll have a lot more latitude than if it's a strained dysfunctional marriage.

[Teresa Macaw]

Not sure where you are from but try to find a local Tri-Ess group. They are a great help with those with a wife.

[Terrihoney]

There might be a hint about her open mindness in the fact that you both were watching a gay dating show. Or did I miss something? Is it possible that she's trying to give you the hint about what's in her mind?

[CamilleLeon]

i know talk is the way to go , but thats not my strong point , and have problems making my feelings known + come across so that does makes it it a bit worse,

i do have a gut feeling my wife is understanding tywill , but the problem is she really longs for a man in her life and that i am , so what will she say if she finds out the man in her life is not all that he is made up to be ,

My girlfriend definately wants me to be the dominant one, but she still understands and supports my dressing. At the end of the day, she wants the man she fell in love with, but she also enjoys the time when her man dresses up in skirts and stockings. I think talking it out with her will probably end better than you think. She might have to come to terms with this new side of you, but if she's open minded and understanding then it probably won't be an issue

[Midnight Skye]

Hi Pernille,

Sorry you're going through the emotional trauma of all of these painful "what ifs". Ultimately you need to answer some questions for yourself (questions she is going to ask you if you tell her).

So first thing you need to do is come up with a list of questions she's going to ask. Some example questions she may ask (Are you gay? How often do you plan to dress? Do you wear a wig or makeup? Do you want to dress around me? Do you want to dress outside of the house? Do you want to have sex dressed up? Do you want to live as a woman (she may not know much about crossdressing/transgender people)? And so on.

Answer these questions for yourself, so you can answer them for her. Then please find a quiet month, and talk to her about your crossdressing. Do it early in the day so she has time to digest things over without having to stay up all night. One of the most important things to tell her, is that you love her and you just want to be open and honest with her.

Be prepared to apologize for not telling her before you were married. This is one of the hardest things for our wives to accept. This can be difficult for them to get past and advice on this issue should probably be a forum question in itself (and probably is if you searched).

Ultimately in my opinion you should tell her. Because it is extremely unlikely you'll stop crossdressing (were just built that way). Either you face a life of crossdressing behind her back (something most will agree is an unpleasant lonely life). Or you tell her and hope for the best. Most likely things will go rough at first and you and her will find some compromise allowing you both to be happy. Feel free to message me on questions. I went through this two years ago and might be able to offer some insight.

[pernille d]

thanks you all for the advice

i know talking about it is the only way forward, but i have fallen into a dark hole and i am having problems climbing out as everything has been going wrong or me for a long time now so at the moment so half of me says tell her as wat else can go wrong,and the other half says keep it to myself so i have something private to enjoy when times are bad .

i love being a crossdresser and would never trade it for anything or be without it but my god does it really screw your life up.

[sonia_dargency]

When I told my wife I wanted to run the NYC Marathon long time ago, she rebuked at the idea, judging it plain stupid, she complained during my whole year of training that I was away too much & blah blah blah;

One day I overheard her bragging about it over the phone, overnight I was an example of endurance and her hero...

would I have listened to her at the beginning, I would have never fulfill that dream of mine; that was a milestone for me, I would not be who I am today without it. and that was a perfectly socially acceptable hobby... besides, I am sure that I would have sent a message such as "I am wimpy enough to do just as you say" and slowy became a "yes, dear" kind of husband.

so I think crossdressing is not the real issue, the issue is to dare to be who we are and and live the consequences.

Sonia