Well, got caught. i'm out to my wife. HELP me

[MarinaKirax]

Well, this secret I've had for about thirty years isn't secret anymore. Ironically, I wasn't caught dressing - I was caught looking at this forum. More specifically I was replying to a message, and my wife glimpsed the picture over my shoulder as she came into the room quickly. I tried to make excuses, but she was convinced I was having a relationship with another woman. Two years ago, she had caught me looking on some TG websites, some with some BDSM content, and was extremely upset. I lied outright when she asked me if I was a crossdresser (transvestite was the word she used), and I thought I convinced her that I had just been momentarily blinded by aporn overload, and that I would stop immediately, never look at those sites in the house again, etc. I did all that.

But unbeknownst to me, that encounter shook her badly. She started to have trouble functioning at work, needed some anti-depressants, and began to be very suspicious of me at home, particularly around the computers. I felt hunted, and unfairly prosecuted for a pastime that was admittedly, weird, but in the end hurting no one and completely my own business. Well, there was no way I could bluff her again. And damn Windows Vista laptops wont freaking shut down in a second, so even though I grabbed the laptop from her as she reached for it, and closed it, I knew when she demanded I open it that there would be this forum, and me replying to a message. The jig was up.

I broke down and told her about this side of me I've kept buried for thirty years. We've been married for 13 years. I was amazed that she took it so well. That is not say she was thrilled, but she didn't take the kids and run crying out of the house, which was what I was convinced was coming when I caved and told all. We sat and talked for about 45 minutes, but then we had to keep a promise for dinner elsewhere, so we went out. We talked in the car, and we had a calm exchange. She was, overall, relieved that I wasn't seeing anyone else, that I hadn't cheated on her , and in retrospect, everything that had been niggling at her, every contradiction, every little funny circumstance that kept her on edge for the better part of 2 years was suddenly explained. Overall, she took it well. And I love her dearly, and we will get through this. But I'm worried she doesn't understand about the dressing. She knows and understands I'm not gay. She knows I find it exciting and satisfying to dress in womens clothing, and that these urges are a part of me that will never completely go away. BUT, she dpoesn't want to see me dressed at all. She prefers not know if I have a wig or not, or what shoes I wear. She is terrified of me getting beaten up if I venture out of a building dressed. She has cautiously agreed to let me have some hours every so often to dress, but at home. She doesn't want to see my wardrobe, or be a part of it. I tried to explain that I thought it would be better to take advantage of a service we have in Toronto, that offers lockers to cds for a year, and a place to change, and buy shoes, clothe, wigs, etc. It's a little house downtown, and although I'd have to give my name once to rent the locker, thereafter I'd just get a code and come and go as I pleased. I could keep my things out of our house, and just go away and deal with my urges. Besides, I tried to explain to her, being excited at dressing in womens clothes is another way of saying being excited to be dressed as a woman, and a big part of that is feeling that you can pass, or be accepted by SOMEONE in this state, whether its every single person on the street, or only your cd friends who can look past your thick beard. Dressing but staying home for me would be less than ideal, and I'd be uncomfortable with the wardrobe in the house, where I'd see it all the time, and so would she. Remember, she doesn't want details at this point.

Lastly, I t seems she was OK with the idea of crossdressing, because she thought that meant just getting off by wearing articles of womens clothing. What I'm describing, according to her is wanting to superficially BE a woman, wanting to look like that, which she thinks as a totally different thing - she calls that transvestism. For her, it's the difference between a simple fetish, and psychological disease.

Now, since this is so long a post, what I need is advice on how I should handle this - I want to be able to dress occasionally but I want to walk up and down a street, or go shopping, basically not to just dress, but to FEEL like a woman for a short time. Am I wrong? Am I more than just your average cross dresser? I have no fantasies about men at all, if I were going to nail anyone dressed en femme, it would be another GG. Should I be grateful for my wifes understanding, and just play by her rules for a while? or should Idirect her somewhere to learn more? what if she doesn't want to learn more, and the more she learns, the less OK with this she is? I need help. Marina

[charlie]

Hello Marina!
If your experience is like mine (and many others who have had a similar experience) I believe you are just starting the healing process. My wife is still having tears and being upset after learning of my CD three months ago. Often I am still hearing that I am cheating even if the woman is myself. My advice, lay low and see for sure where your wife's mind is going.

[giuseppina]

Well, I guess you found out the hard way that getting caught is not the best way to inform a spouse of our unusual activities.

Perhaps a licensed and non-judgemental counsellor can help. Stay away from anyone claiming to use reparative therapy, as this is a euphemism for guilt and repression (not healthy). It also doesn't work very well. While this may suit your wife, it is not a good choice in the long run for you.

Despite the fact you are not seeing someone else, she may still see it as cheating. You have not been entirely honest with her, and trust between you will have to be rebuilt.

Good luck. :hugs:

[DanielleLee]

Hi Marina,

Unfortunately, just as we are all different, so are our wives or SOs. What's good advise for one, might not be the best for another. My opinion however, is that you should just take it slow for now and let her determine on her own how involved or un-involved she wants to be.

You can suggest to her, that if she is interested in guidance on your CDing... that this website has a plethera of information available, along with the FAB boards. My wife is not a part of it, however I know based on her and I's conversations about my CDing, that she has no interest in understanding it. That just falls back to what I said initially. No 2 GGs are the same. The level of openess, acceptance, and guidelines will vary from each couple to the next. Remember... if mamma ain't happy, then no one is happy.

I think honest and open dialogue is the key.

DanielleLee

[PetiteDuality]

I think that your wife has handled this pretty well.

A few days ago she had no idea about your crossdressing, and now she is somehow accepting, which is much more than what most of us will ever get. She didn't leave you or made a big scene. I'd be really grateful if I were you.

You have already been patient for 30 years and you have a wonderful wife. It was very hard for her at the beginning (you mentioned her having trouble functioning at work and needing anti-depressants), and still she accepted it on her own terms. Don't push too far

[Bailey_in_Mansfield]

First of all, I'm not married, so take my words with a grain of salt. But I would definitely play by her rules and go at her pace. This is something totally new, unexpected and (for now) undesired in her eyes, and while at the moment she's probably trying to figure out if you actually want to BE a woman, I think from my chair here one of the best ways to explain it to her is this.... You're saying you want to feel like a woman for a short time, which to me says, you enjoy being treated like a woman, whether it's the admiring smiles and feeling sexy or whatever. The way she might be able to relate is, although women do not often wish themselves to be physically male, they often can relate to desiring men's, shall I say, place in society. Respect, power, strength and independence, and allegedly higher pay. (Which I think is a load of BS but that's another thread.) So it's not that they want to BE men, but that they would like sometimes to be treated as one. My advice would be to take it slow, and in explaining to her, see if she can relate to that analogy.

[PretzelGirl]

Pardon me for a moment as I get on my soapbox (and it is relevant).

Every time we have someone who gets busted or otherwise tells a SO, one of the more frequent comments is to have her come here. That is great advice! But..... you have to really set this up. If you just walk your SO to the computer and give them a link, you are open to them digesting everything here and potentially having thoughts that any and all things apply to you. Then their mind can run rampant and it can be hard to reign things back in.

We realize there is a broad spectrum of who we are represented here. But does your SO know that once they are pointed here?

What could they think about you if you don't really have some talking complete before she comes here? Well, she could end up thinking you are gay even if you aren't (or you are). She could think you want to transition even if you aren't (or you do want to). She could think you have any one of many fetishes described here, even if you don't (or maybe you do). But is she going to realize what is really true for you just from reading the site?

So the point is, don't just put her on this site. Make sure she understands where you stand. Make sure she knows she will get exposed to the whole range of who we are and that we are all different. And without a shadow of a doubt, make sure she knows that the FAB forum is there and it only takes 10 posts to apply to it.

End of soapbox.

I wish you the best. Listen to her carefully so you do hear her concerns. Educate her well, but at her pace, not yours. And most of all :hugs:.

[Sarah Michelle]

I'm a closet so I'm not in a position to give anyone advice. I wish you luck on your new journey.
Your wife is to be complimented if she was able to rein herself in so quickly emotionally. I anticipate a huge upset in my household if I ever stumble. Things would be burned for sure.....

[Sherry-Stephanie]

Having gone though all of this for the past year and 8 months...no, make that a year and nine months and not all of it was hunky dory either....let me say this...

A) Communication here is key...you two need to talk it though...

B) Throw the dressing into "neutral"...pause at this time

C) Discuss her prospective about suddenly having another female in the house...it's you, her and the "new girl" here now....

D) She's got to get use to all of this...so therefore go back to B) and re-read....

E) Try and seek her input with all of this....let her know the "new girl" needs her help with this...

F) if all of the above fails ask yourself which is more important...her, your marriage or the girl that exists inside....

G) If this doesn't go smoothly then someone is going to have to decide what the importance is here....

That's just the way it goes when this whole dressing issue comes out to the wife or SO....

For me it's been one hell of a ride....to the point that we split and I moved to Florida...lucky it only lasted 10 days....and she realized she needed Steve back and was willing to have Stephanie along for the ride....

I sincerely wish you the very best and if you want you can PM me and I'll give you my e-mail and/or phone if you need to talk....

Stephanie

[sterling12]

IF you all can talk about it rationally, and IF that doesn't change after she thinks about things. I would suggest you try and involve both her and yourself with a Support Group. She will have questions for other Wives and Partners, and she will also begin to understand that MOST of The people who are transgendered are not weird or looking to become women. She eventually will meet some TS Gurls and Transmen, but a Support Group is usually a very good place to start.

Check out what's available in your area. You are looking for a Group that's S.O. Friendly, and will not push The Limits right off The Bat. A group that will respect and protect your privacy.

It seems that if The Wife gets involved and starts to learn, things will go a lot better.....for both of you!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[JulieK1980]

I can't fully relate, because my relationship is very different with my wife, but I think like any issue in a marriage, communication, and honesty are the bedrock principles to go by... The more education, and communication between the two of you, the more likely things are going to work out for the best. Just take it one step at a time. Best of luck to the both of you!

[Midnight Skye]

Hi Marina,

First, the girls above have some great advice: support groups, your wife looking at the forums here, things which self-empower her education of what a crossdresser is. And most importantly an understanding of who you are.

My advice: take it slow and communicate! Your wife wants to know that you love her and this "quirk" of yours hasn't and won't change that. For now I would be very grateful for her current acceptance... it could have gone a whole lot worse. Probably the biggest things right now are to talk to her lots about her feelings about life, your relationship, and your crossdressing. Don't swamp her with just crossdressing talk and issues, but talk to her about everything going on in your lives to help show her you care. You don't want her to feel like your crossdressing issue is the only thing which matters right now, otherwise she'll start feeling like a second woman is creeping in on your relationship (a big mistake I made).

But if you really work with her, its most likely she'll relax about the issue and agree to more freedom. A little bit at a time is best, though you may later find leaps and bounds of freedom when you don't expect it. Just keep working with her at her pace, and remember you'll both have ups and downs while you figure things out. And keep posting here at the forums!

[AllieSF]

I like what Sherry Stephanie said. I just want to emphasize a few items. Communication needs to be open, fluid, honest and direct. She needs to know that as well as you. If she or you decides to hibernate in the communication area (don't ask, don't tell), in my opinion you will just go into an unsustainable situation. As part of this communication, make sure that she totally understands that as far as most know, this will not fade away. It will actually rear it lovely head when repressed and cause you and then her great distress. Therefore, living under guidelines are fine as long as both of you can do that for the long haul and have a communication process established when you run into those inevitable roadblocks and bumps in the road. So, those guidelines really need to be reasonable for you in order for you to be able to keep your comitment. I also think that somewhere along that road you need to consider joint counseling with an independent and qualified third party. Good luck to both of you.

[Kerigirl2009]

BE CAREFUL, now that she knows, this is one thing. but that is it fon't overwhelm her with any more new stuff and be honest with her when she asks you any questions. Take it slow and be careful not to create a new issue for your wife because this is a big issue to her and as you said you have had 30 years to deal with this but she is just starting her journey.
Good luck. :)

[Annaliese]

Play by her rules for now and see what comes of it take it slow.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Marina
The ball is in her court now try to set up boundries and stay within them.
Also don't rock the boat you may be thrown overboard.
Keep communication open.

Orchid

[MarcieBflo]

BE CAREFUL, now that she knows, this is one thing. but that is it fon't overwhelm her with any more new stuff and be honest with her when she asks you any questions. Take it slow and be careful not to create a new issue for your wife because this is a big issue to her and as you said you have had 30 years to deal with this but she is just starting her journey.
Good luck. :)

Agree, Be Careful, CD'ing in the end cost me a break-up with a SO of 11 years, every issue of the relationship came up, It was a tough time for me, and I was not married (no kids involved, with her) We got back together for another 3 years. It was never really the same though . . . . I really do wish you luck, Yeah, like was said take it slow do not push it, And if she gets pissed she will "spread it around" . . . . to everybody !! So I hope you take all aspects into cosideration. Relatively, very few people accept our lifestile as you know . . . .

[jenna_woods]

now you know getting caught is not the best way for wife to find out.

[Jacqui]

Words from the Closet Queen:

The floodgates are open and the waters are running wild. You cannot stop it...but, it may be good and irrigate the crops...or it just may flood and kill everything in its path.

If, (others may say, "When!") I got caught, I would look at it as a tremendous relief to finally have the person I loved know the internal struggle that has gone on inside me after all these years. It would be an opportunity to heal, grow... or drift apart.

In order for you to be fair to her which is the most important thing, I think you first need to be fair to yourself. Now that the cat is out of the bag, you need to ask yourself if you really want to be a woman some of the time, a lot of the time, or all of the time. If you think it's 'some of the time,' than what happens if/when you receive all the feminine adulation you crave? Would you then want more? And then more until your male side plays second fiddle?

If I were you, I would offer my wife a promise to go for counseling so that I could understand myself before expecting her to understand me. The underlying issue here is whether you are truly a CD or something more. You owe it to her and to yourself to find out.

[Rebecca Jayne]

I have at least 4 separate applications open at all time so I can shuffle if needed.

I say Damn that Bill Gates et al

[LisaM]

IMHO, your spouse will need time, support, knowledge and understanding.

1) You need to go slow with her and open up and be honest.

2) You need to find out if she needs support; either therapy or a spouses' group

3) You need to educate her--there are a lot of books about being CD or TG and how it doesn't ruin a relationship. Find them and ask if she would like to read them. Even if she says no it might be worthwhile to get one yourself and leave it somewhere safe for her.

4) She definitely needs your understanding--you have shattered her world. Give her all of the time that she needs. Go slow. Don't press her. Let her come to you to ask questions. Show her your love.

[MarinaKirax]

Wow. I never expected such a response, and all of it very useful. We had another long talk tonight. There were tears, and calm, and affirmations of love and trust. She will need to absorb this slowly. Because the trust issue was a big one, I have tried to approach this by being totally and excruciatingly honest about all my desires, and fantasies (including those of being forced to wear womens clothes, or those fantasies that may have a bondage theme to them), so there will be no more surprises down the road for her - but at the same time, I am wary that she just doesn't want to think about me in makeup and a wig just yet. Much less tied up in a French Maids uniform. I think the outer limits of my raunchiest fantasies need to stay with me still. it's a difficult line to walk, even in flats.

One interesting thing was that she thought that when I said I wanted to dress and go out, she thought it was to go out in the sexy lingerie and stilettos that we all have tucked away somewhere in our closets ;), and not going out in conservative, tasteful feminine attire. She was surprised and a little relived to think that I might be trying to pass UN-noticed. I can see her point - I laugh now when I realize she thought I wanted try and pass in a basque and mules at the Mall!

We have been able to make some jokes about it, and the next step will be deciding how much privacy I get. I think from the trust issue point of view, she would prefer (and I have acknowledged) that she probably does not want to give me free reign in the near future. On the other hand, if I get close scrutiny and boundaries (which I'm OK with) then that means she will necessarily need to know more of when I am dressing, where, how, and in what. That is details she also doesn't want to/cant deal with. Another fine line.

A huge weight has been lifted from me, though. Jacqui, you may never get caught. But the way I'm feeling now, I can't say it's a bad thing. Thanks for everyones heartfelt advice.

Now. I joined this forum because everyone seemed to be having so much fun. So enough of my 'Perils of Penelope Pitstop" life. I will post occsioanally to let you all know how it is going. Keep Messaging me if you like, Once you're in the water up to your privates, its better to just dive all the way in. I need some talk and banter, girls. Marina

[Sherry-Stephanie]

'Perils of Penelope Pitstop"

Trust me...your perils have only begun...these issues don't resolve overnite!!!! It takes time....each one is different but time is a good thing but it's also the enemy as well....

GO SLOW and Talk it between you and let her decide the pace!!!!! Trust me on that point!!!! Been there done that and got a few T-shirts out of it as well!!!!

Good luck....

Steph

[JenniferR771]

Similar situation. Baby steps--give her time to adjust. Avoid any religious-based counselors.

[MarinaKirax]

Thanks all. Didn't mean to suggest that the rough weather is done. Buti appreciate all the good thoughts. MK:battingeyelashes:

[dilane]

Women are complicated.

My wife is still processing this 20+ years after I disclosed prior to marriage.

In other words, we still talk about it and air things out.

YMMV.

[Sally2005]

Rather than trying to solve the problem, just sit back and listen and observe for a while. I think your SO will tell you what she thinks after some time and that will be your chance to interject some humor and self acceptance. She will see you are happy and will eventually want to accept you too...at least that's the theory.... In your situation, I think I would hold back at first, tell her you eventually want to go out, but tell her you want to help her feel comfortable too and talk to her about how you can do it...compare to other cases in your relationship when you did something for her that you didn't like at first...

[ReineD]

Hi Marina,

Unfortunately, just as we are all different, so are our wives or SOs. What's good advise for one, might not be the best for another. My opinion however, is that you should just take it slow for now and let her determine on her own how involved or un-involved she wants to be.

You can suggest to her, that if she is interested in guidance on your CDing... that this website has a plethera of information available, along with the FAB boards. My wife is not a part of it, however I know based on her and I's conversations about my CDing, that she has no interest in understanding it. That just falls back to what I said initially. No 2 GGs are the same. The level of openess, acceptance, and guidelines will vary from each couple to the next. Remember... if mamma ain't happy, then no one is happy.

I think honest and open dialogue is the key.

I couldn't have it better. :hugs:



So the point is, don't just put her on this site. Make sure she understands where you stand. Make sure she knows she will get exposed to the whole range of who we are and that we are all different. And without a shadow of a doubt, make sure she knows that the FAB forum is there and it only takes 10 posts to apply to it.

A good way to do that is to expose her to the site, and after explaining that not everyone feels the same or is headed in the same direction, offer to read the threads with her in case she has any questions. :hugs:

[Kerigirl2009]

Again go slow. Your wife will most likely have her ups and downs so watch what she is saying to you and make sure you listen without trying to make assumptions. If you have doubts about weather or not about what your wife is thinking. I would ask her.
As far as giving details about your every move I would hope your wife does not want that but just be willing to be honest with her at all times. Remember the details but wait for her to come to you otherwise all your conversations will be about dressing. Me and my wife had a sort of game that we played for about two weeks after I told her Basically she called it SPOT CHECK to see what I was wearing, worked well until she checked and I wouldn't show her. But she knew I was wearing panties. Good luck and listen to what your wife is saying not just what she is wondering.

[Vicki-Z]

I have to agree with Sue and Reine about putting her on the forum. Where we have people on all different paths many which may not be the path that you are on you don't want her to get the wrong idea about you.

I think Reine's suggestion of sitting and reading the threads with her so that you can answer any questions that she may have is a good idea.

Remember it will take a LOT of time for her to adjust to who you are. It will not be overnight. I know myself at times I think my wife understands a certain thing about me only to realize awhile later that she doesn't and I have to explain it to her again and again.

For instance she thinks that any man that wants to dress feminine must be gay. I have explain to her many times that I am only attracted to women and have never been attracted to men. Yet in a conversation we had the other day she made a statement out of nowhere saying wouldn't you be happier in bed having sex with a man that treats you like a woman. Once again I had to explain my sexual preference to her.

So give it time and most of all LOVE her.


Vicki :hugs:

[carolinoakland]

My sympathies and prayers go to you and your wife... respect her boundaries and go very slowly. let her ask the queations. let her look for HER answers. Remember , she can't talk to her girlfriends, famliy, female co workers ie; her support system to talk this through... and while you may feel like you're free of YOUR closet, now she's in her own. So, be slow, be loving and be you. Carol

[DaisyG]

Marina, I’m one of many on this forum who’s wife has “discovered” them, and I well understand what you’ve just survived as well as how things can evolve in the months and years ahead. You have my sympathy and my full support.

Just as you describe, during our long conversation which followed, I did my best to describe to my wife of 30 plus years my CD history, my fantasies and thoughts. At that point I felt emotionally stripped naked. (Replying to an earlier thread here, I described my experience in a post last Monday (12-28), titled “The CONVERSATION” .) From your description and considering the two years of anguish and turmoil your wife endured on account of your web activities, I think you (and not least, she) have done rather well thus far in your “discovery”. No one went ballistic, no one fell apart, and there was some degree of respect.

I could not agree more with the advice from the girls posting replies. Rebuilding trust is essential above everything else. Full disclosure as you have done is the first step. Then your wife needs to be kept up-to-date about what’s going on with Marina. There’s that fine line you mention. Your wife doesn’t want to know, yet needs to know.

My wife at first said she didn’t want to know and didn’t want to see me dressed. But later she changed her mind when I promised to get her permission before Daisy showed herself or bought any clothes or other femme articles - - it was a way my wife could feel “in control”. In a couple of years she actually wanted to see Daisy, and then she wanted to help select Daisy’s clothes and shoes. As she assumed more active control of how Daisy looked, she became quite participative and supportive of my femme self. The best of both worlds. But this evolution took a long, long time.

That leads us to patience. Don’t feel you have some new-found freedom because you’re now OUT. It’s likely to take years for your wife to evolve a true perspective of how she relates to Marina. Just go slow, especially right now.

Communication needs to be frequent and open. Communication and trust are intimately linked. You can talk freely if you have trust in each other. And you can really trust each other only if you openly share your thoughts and feelings.

There’ll be times your wife needs her guy. You must remain sensitive to this, and during those times, be sure Marina stays in her closet.

I hope that by now you have come to realize that surfing TG and BDSM sites was really NOT your private business. Not when it turned out to affect your wife’s well-being. And not now, when you are trying to rebuild a full measure of trust in each other. A good rule is that anything you instinctively feel you need to hide from your wife is something that instead needs to first be discussed with her, making use of your new-found improved level of communication.

My sincerest best wishes for you and your wife, in coming to an understanding of Marina which you can both live with.

Daisy

[camillegirl]

I am not really qualified to answer but I will do it anyway..

Put yourself in her position and think of what she might think of her guy now being her gal, it must be hard for her, put your needs aside and analyze the situation from her point of view, you won´t change but she needs all the support from you.try to be as compasionate as you can, and see what happens, not much I can say, hang on in there, your heart will tell you what uis right