I'm SO confused/conflicted.....Am I alone?

[ikatrina]

Hi Girls,

Random background information and a bit about me....

I've been dressing in one way or another since I was very young. Being only about 5 or 6 when it started I don't believe it was sexual. It just felt good to have feminine clothing on. In my teenage years and into my twenties (with hormones racing) dressing became all about getting dressed up (usually trashy), turned-on and always ended in some "release". It was all about the sexual turn-on. Immediately following I felt to need to remove the clothing/makup etc., most likely due to guilt/shame. Dressing intensified and waned back and forth over the years.

I'm in my mid-30's now, married to a very supportive wife with a young son. Over the past handful of years things have changed. Dressing has become about presenting a more typical female image and sexual arousal has become an increasingly less important (almost none) aspect. Spending hours dressed is very comfortable, enjoyable and makes me feel like "me".

I'm not a very typical "guy".....I don't like football or baseball and I don' t mind telling anyone that I'm completely ignorant about the scores, teams and players.....wrestling, boxing and ultimate fighting just disturb me.... I enjoy home decoration, architecture and landscaping......fashion magazines are inspiring......I'm better than my wife at picking outfits and applying makeup.... I constantly cry during movies ... I can't kill a bug ......never been in a fight..... without going into details about "equipment" my wife wears the pants in the bedroom 90% of the time......the first thing I notice about woman is their shoes, makeup, accessories and attire ....respect and sometimes jealousy are the only reactions I've had to a beautiful woman in many years......I'm not attracted to the physical image of a man (never thought "wow, he's hot") but the plumbing is certainly a turn-on.


Now for the confusion/conflict part. I'm a big girl. 5'14" and ~200lbs.....mostly muscle. Over the past year or so I've been purposefully losing muscle mass, slimming down, growing my hair out, growing my finger nails, grooming my brows, voice training, all to be more feminine. Thoughts (bordering on obsession) are constantly going through my head whether transition (or partial transition) could be successful. Can I be a happy woman over 6ft tall? How would HRT impact my skin, hair, body (obviously not height)? Are my hands and feet reasonably sized :) ? Could I look pretty with some FFS procedures? I've even been scouring the internet for information on taller transsexuals (haven't found many) that have successfully transitioned. I've already convinced myself that if I was under 5'10 and 150lbs I would be well on my way to being a woman.

....then I think....who am I kidding? Why bother having long hair, nails and losing my muscular physique....I would never be successful, so why be in limbo?.... Why sacrifice the male side for a female side that can never be realized? Is it worth being a skinny weak man just to fit into a smaller sized dress as a woman? Although my wife has said that she would support me ...do I really want to upset my families lives?

Am I alone? Do others fight with these conflicts?

[Wen4cd]

I don't get 'exactly' that conflict myself, but the mid-30's are usually a classic time for stuff like this. It's a huge stage of personal development, and a series of crises.

Psychologically, you could view this in terms of your unlived feminine traits screaming for some real expression, and anima screams loudly in the mid-30's usually, it's usually a call for wholeness, and if often mistaken as other things.

Transition is one thing that screams for consideration, but you also have a good chance for integration, which is what I strive for, and seems to satisfy both halves, and the loved ones as well.

[Midnight Skye]

Hey iKatrina,

Sounds like what you're really juggling is you wish you could transition, you have the desire and drive to be female. But what kind of female would you been seen in society? The reality is some gals have transitioned happily despite the reality they will never "pass" and most of us don't pass all the time anyway. On the other hand most of us are accepted for who we are (usually for the better).

If you can accept life like that, where you are simply who you are: a slightly taller transgendered woman, then you'll do fine.

I tend to tower above most people when I'm out and about... I'm 5'10" but I like to wear 3inch+ heels when out. While it would certainly help my overall image to not do this silly addition of height, I do it anyway because its who I am. When out, I literally raise myself up to some 6ft 1-3inches by choice. So if you choose to go the route you're pondering... and wear flats, you'd be no taller than me when I go out. And I don't have any trouble out and about... with only an occasional giggle or long stare (which could probably be avoided if my clothing taste wasn't so different).

What you should really focus on is could you live with yourself and your family as a transgendered woman. My advice on this is to continue what you've been doing, pampering your body toward femininity. And start building outfits to go out in. And I don't mean clubbing or just dinner. I mean outfits for shopping, going to the grocery store, doing the typical things you do during a day outside of the house. Once you have your outfits set, get dressed and head out the door. Go to walmart, sears, a grocery store. Go and buy things you typically buy. Stop at the ATM, get gas, pickup food etc. If these things are "politically" dangerous due to work risks, or others finding out. Go to a town an hour away or so and do the same. The key is get out and try being a transgendered woman outside of the house. Many potential-transgender girls forget, hormones and facial surgeries help, but they don't change everything, they don't change what its like to walk up to a cashier and ask for change in a skirt... Once you've had a chance to go outside and feel what its like, I think you'll know much more about what you need and how you feel about everything.

[_Cecilie_]

To answer your question: no, you are not alone :)

I know it feels serious and all that, but try not to take it that seriously. Smile, have fun and make sure you don't hurt anyone close to you and you're set to take on anything.

BTW I'm 6'5" in flats, but you just have to stop thinking and go with it. I do love my boots with heels and if that makes me a supertall girl, well here I am :D

I do switch back and forth between girl and guy. As a crossdresser I don't think trying to find one path to go is possible. Sometimes I grow my nails and all that, and other times I got a full beard and oil under my beat up nails. I try to ride the waves as they come, wherever they take me, and making an effort to have fun while doing it :heehee:

[PetiteDuality]

I guess that we all are different.

My desires to crossdress have curbed a lot since I have been taking better care of my male physique.

I think I was unhappy and insecure about my look as a guy during my youth. I was emotional, always sucked at sports, very sensitive, had more female friends, didn't fit in typical male interaction (jokes, sport chatting, etc). I think that all that added to my short height made me feel more like a girl.

Now that I'm older, the male stereotype is different, and it actually would be perceived as silly an immature to be so focused in "macho" activities from younger ages, so I feel I fit better now.

But I agree with you: I would never feminize myself any further (growing nails, loosing muscle, etc), because I'd never achieve a female look (my broad shoulders, manly hands, manly face, etc will never change). I'd end up looking terrible as a guy and as a girl.

But if somehow somebody would offer me a pink pill to look like a real woman, and a blue pill to return back to my male life, I'd be very happy :D

Some would be happy only with the pink pill, and I think that it makes the difference between a TG and a CD. I think you should look for a professional to figure out what you really want and take all the unchangeable consequences of your decision.

[docrobbysherry]

Far from it!:)

Unfortunately, the questions u ask, I believe can ONLY BE ANSWERED by U! There R NO EASY ANSWERS to those questions! :sad:

Look into your heart, be who u must be! :straightface:
If u don't or can't, prepare yourself for the consequences!:doh:

If u decide to make radical changes, prepare EVERYONE for the consequences!:brolleyes:

[LisaM]

Katrina,

Like so many others I could have written your post. I am 6' 3" and have struggled with transition because of that all of my life.

I hope you find some answers here. I find that getting out in the real world as Lisa makes me feel like I always dreamed I'd feel.

[SuzanneBender]

Katrina you are not alone! We all wrestle with this. What part of our male selves are we willing to sacrifice for our femme selves and will that trade off be worth it.

I traded in a Dodge Hemi 1500 for a convertible VW. I can't haul a sheet of plywood anymore but its a lot more fun to drive! I know its not the same, but its an analogy none the less.

Ohhh and girls I think we need to form a Basketball team. I am sure they wouldn't let us in the WNBA but I bet we could dominate the local coed league. 6' point guard here.

[Terri Andrews]

I am to short for Suzanne`s basketball team ,but can I be a cherleader ?

[Michelle 2774]

No, you are not alone!!:iagree:

For many of my younger years, I really wanted to transition, and I am a true 6foot 2 inch girl and in heels I tower at 6 feet 5 inches.

It is something we all work with, and although no one can know any particular person's situation, please know that these type of issues in our community can be resolved with love and acceptance by all of those individuals that whom you share your life.

[Leslie Langford]

...Ohhh and girls I think we need to form a Basketball team. I am sure they wouldn't let us in the WNBA but I bet we could dominate the local coed league. 6' point guard here...

Check out the movie "Juwanna Mann". What you're proposing is not necessarily as far-fetched a concept as you might think...;).

[Tasha T]

....then I think....who am I kidding? Why bother having long hair, nails and losing my muscular physique....I would never be successful so why be in limbo?.... Why sacrifice the male side for a female side that can never be realized? Is it worth being a skinny weak man just to fit into a smaller sized dress as a woman? Although my wife has said that she would support me ...do I really want to upset my families lives?

Am I alone? Do others fight with these conflicts?

No, you are not alone in your conflict. I am going through a similar process where I am feminizing myself more and more every day. I've been growing my hair long, getting electrolysis done on my face, keeping my body hair off, shaping my eyebrows distinctly feminine, working out to get whatever curves I am capable, etc. The question I ask myself is: Is it worth it? Is it worth the sacrifice of my masculine self and all the turmoil I have to go through with family, friends, strangers, landlords, employers, etc. for an end result I may not ultimately be pleased with? I figure I owe it to myself to at least try to see if I can make it work, but in the process I am outing myself and once out there's no going back. Depending on how I look at it that can be a good or bad thing. Good because I no longer have to live in fear of people finding out about me...bad because my secret identity has been revealed and I can no longer go back to being an ordinary, blend into the crowd type person. It's kind of like when a superhero has his secret identity revealed. The mask comes off and the power of illusion is gone.

Like the Doc said, ultimately it's a question that we're going to have to answer for ourselves.

[Alice Torn]

At six foot five and a half, I can relate Katrina, except i am single. Good ideas given by others here. I know i will never get SRS. I like being male, except when i dress, which is not often. I am in for the basketball team, but are high heels allowed?

[danielle.cd]

every one here has at least purged ther stuff at least once and ive done it plenty and spent so much money on new stuff couse i would think the same way, i like both worlds in male mode i relate with girls more men man talk kinda bores me i hang around more women, now i know my family wouldnt accept this at all and would tell me to get right but ive been doing this eversince i could remember. and now im thinking bout going on hormones (doctor ordered this time ) partly cause i have no thighs or butt , was picked on all my life about it too
and the hormones will help me get that nice butt the ggs have and some other perks toooo

[JoAnne Wheeler]

No you are not alone - I just posted a similar thread - I am confused, frustrated and depressed. Am I a CD or am I a transgenderist ?

I feel for you - so much - not only have I been there, I am there

JoAnne Wheeler

[Karren H]

Well.... Let's say... I'm 5' 9" and 175ish... And though not uberly tall... I am not confused or frustrated or depressed or upset and very happy with my life and my crossdressing (when I can fit it in) ..... Life is all about balancing what's important to you AND your family (assuming they are also important to you?).... Loose that balance and you will spiral out of control one way or another... In my humble opinion.

[sherri52]

I'm tall enough to be on the sideline of Suzanne's basketball team but I think at 6' she and I would be the short girls on the team. I have seen a lot of tall girls here on this forum. Most of whom don't have any problem going out. Feel good about youself and to yourself you will pass.

[andrea35]

It is very frustraring to know that one is not the pretty girl that one wishes to be. but it is something that in my case I have come to accept.
I'm only 5'4" 153 lb, and no chest hair but still even in my best I know I still don't pass as a woman. going out in public is not something that I will ever do but yes I like the idea, so to get some satisfaction I dress very early in the morning on my way to work and spend a litle time like that in my office. for the thrill of it I park one block away from my work. I force myself to stop dressing and don't do it for a month or only do it in certain days that way it does not become an obsession. could something like this work for you too?

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Now for the confusion/conflict part. I'm a big girl. 5'14" and ~200lbs.....mostly muscle. Over the past year or so I've been purposefully losing muscle mass, slimming down, growing my hair out, growing my finger nails, grooming my brows, voice training, all to be more feminine. Thoughts (bordering on obsession) are constantly going through my head whether transition (or partial transition) could be successful. Can I be a happy woman over 6ft tall? How would HRT impact my skin, hair, body (obviously not height)? Are my hands and feet reasonably sized :) ? Could I look pretty with some FFS procedures? I've even been scouring the internet for information on taller transsexuals (haven't found many) that have successfully transitioned. I've already convinced myself that if I was under 5'10 and 150lbs I would be well on my way to being a woman.

Let me point you to this post by Stephenie S, where she says:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1996768&postcount=10


Dear Doc (and all you others),

The FACT is that women come in ALL shapes and sizes, just like men. There are fat women, thin women, beautiful women, ugly women, handsome women, plain women, short women, tall women, women with broad shoulders, women with little boobs, women with narrow hips and no butt, and women with big hands and feet.

The desire to be, or look like, a pubecent teenage girl is impossible to attain for a middle aged man. But that doesn't mean you can't present to the world as a woman. It just means you can't look like a teenage girl no matter what you do or wish. It just ain't gonna happen. You are going to look like a tall women with broad shoulders, no hips and butt, no waist, and big hands and feet.

So suck it up. Get used to it. Live with it. Of course it would be wonderful to be thin, short, cute, and buxom. But 99% of the natal women out there would love to look this way too. In reality most people are not perfect, not men, and not women. We all have to work with what we got. You can spend your life wishing and wanting, or you can live your life the best you can with what God gave you. The choice is up to you.

I think what she wrote can apply to your situation as well.



....then I think....who am I kidding? Why bother having long hair, nails and losing my muscular physique....I would never be successful,

Are you sure about that?


Why sacrifice the male side for a female side that can never be realized?

Are you 100% sure that it can never be realized?


Is it worth being a skinny weak man just to fit into a smaller sized dress as a woman?

Yes, I think it is. Frankly, I wish I was my scrawny 125 pound late teenage/early 20's self. If I could go back in time, I'd tell myself. "Self! Get on anti-androgens now! Don't let testosterone work on you any longer." But I have to deal with the reality of it. I may be 5' 5.5" tall, but I weigh 180 lbs. Doesn't mean I can't try to learn the ins and outs of fashion and makeup to make the best of it.

Having less muscle won't make you "weak" just less strong.



Am I alone? Do others fight with these conflicts?

No, you're not alone and others have and are dealing with the same thoughts and feelings.

Veronica Rogers

[PetiteDuality]

I also posted in the same thread Veronica is referring to:


You are totally right. But when you have broad shoulders AND no boobs AND narrow hips AND no butt AND big hands and feet AND manly face AND adam apple AND deep voice AND big muscles, it's a bit different...

This is why I stopped crossdressing. Every time I dressed I felt silly, and I looked much better as a guy. I'm much happier right now with my male look.

Hey, but it's just me. I think this is a question that everyone should answer by themselves since each of us have different circumstances

[ikatrina]

Hi girls,

I'm so down right now. :sad: I just completed a very LONG and detailed reply to all of your wonderful comments and suggestions.....hit submit, BUT my login timed out and after logging back in.... ALL GONE!

Regardless, the just of it was that I'm going to work on embracing and having fun in the pink fog and not letting it overwhelm or consume me.....balance is the take-away.

One thing that did come up in my reflection.....

Sometimes I wonder (in some respects) if it would it be easier to just know that you are all woman, with no duality.

[joandher]

I was in the supermarket the other day and was surrounded by tall women ,one of them must have been 6ft 4in about 45 ish and had shoulders and hands like a fullback ( I think that's what you in the USA call them) me being 5ft 6in and 120 lbs felt weedy next to her but she was very well dressed right down to her kitten heals,
I asked the wife if she thought she was a c/der and she said no definitely a GG ,but nobody even gave her a second look except me,so I cant see why you tall girls worry so much about height
in male mode you would be saying wow she must have legs up to her armpits

:hugs: J-JAY

[Wen4cd]

Hi girls,

I'm so down right now. :sad: I just completed a very LONG and detailed reply to all of your wonderful comments and suggestions.....hit submit, BUT my login timed out and after logging back in.... ALL GONE!


That's why you have to compose long posts in wordpad or notepad and paste them here. :D

[Sweet Jane]

I have a stunningly beautiful tgirl friend who has been on hormones for many years. Her face and body for all intents is woman, yet of late she's really depressed and has become almost housebound. She feels she's ugly and won't be seen out. If she does go out, its a masculinised version of this lovely lady......the reason...she's 6'3'' and gets made as having been a male by some people and in her eyes, thats ugly...

so by all means transition if being a guy makes you miserable, if your life is intolerable, but do be aware that being tall is akin to wearing a sign..people look more closely!

[meri]

Katrina,
I am 5'10", 190 lbs and 58 yrs old. I workout nearly every day to maintain health. I also like having a bit of mass about me, would not want to be willowy, to me that means insubstantial.

At the same time, I want to express my feminine side, so I have a similar dilemma.

My solution is to seek balance, I am working a bit more femme things into my normal wardrobe on a regular basis. I also wear skirts out in public. In a nutshell, I am trying to be "me".

The thought of being a football watching, beer guzzleing, ignorant male is revolting to me.

In a similar manner, I don't really see myself dressed up in an extreme feminine fashion either.

I would rank myself on the "scale" as the male counterpart to a tomboy. That is, like a tomboy, I am interested in many things feminine, but still retain my basic gender identity.

Problem is in our little culture her, tomboys are tolerated, the male equivalent, however, is generally not thought too kindly of.

Despite the pink fog (God knows I have had my share of it), it's your life to create anyway you like. Given your circumstances, you might seek a balance.

[Roberta Marie]

I am by no means an expert when it comes to transsexuals. I consider myself to be dual gendered. But, from conversations that I've had with friends that are transsexuals that have transitioned, that are in various stages of transition, and that have no desire to transition, the one common thread that they all agree on is that they are not becoming women. They always have been women, they know, without a doubt that they are women. The language that they use is always that of always knowing that they were female. These women are generally happy after transitioning. This is language that is missing from your post.

The couple of people that I have spoken with that have transitioned and then have had second thoughts afterwards (when it's too late) do not use this language of always knowing that they are women. They "thought" they were women, they once were men that became women. THis is language that is present in your post.

I guess my concern is that before anybody does something that is not reversible, that they be absolutely sure that they are indeed a woman.

Grace,
Bobbi

[Emme]

I am 6 -3 and I never could play basketball.

[ikatrina]

...... but do be aware that being tall is akin to wearing a sign..people look more closely!

I've had this exact thought. You can be a quite beautiful woman, but being tall will always raise questions.....after that any tiny sign will give you away. Of course the answer is "who cares".....but, I do....unfortunately I'm too self-conscious and it would be a hard way to live. My heart goes out to your friend. On one hand it was very strong of her to make the leap but it sounds like it wasn't the happy/fulfilling end that she was hoping for.

[ikatrina]

I am by no means an expert when it comes to transsexuals. I consider myself to be dual gendered. But, from conversations that I've had with friends that are transsexuals that have transitioned, that are in various stages of transition, and that have no desire to transition, the one common thread that they all agree on is that they are not becoming women. They always have been women, they know, without a doubt that they are women. The language that they use is always that of always knowing that they were female. These women are generally happy after transitioning. This is language that is missing from your post.

The couple of people that I have spoken with that have transitioned and then have had second thoughts afterwards (when it's too late) do not use this language of always knowing that they are women. They "thought" they were women, they once were men that became women. THis is language that is present in your post.

I guess my concern is that before anybody does something that is not reversible, that they be absolutely sure that they are indeed a woman.

Grace,
Bobbi


My lost post included a very similar line of thought. In reflection over the years I've come to realize that I've never had the classic "girl in a man's body" feeling. Dressing is for expression and comfort. It's a way for the girl side of me (and all my feminine tendencies) to come out and enjoy life.

Gee I wish I hadn't lost that original post. It really did clear things up for me while I wrote it....which in a way was personally helpful even if it wasn't posted. Like a lost diary entry.

Do you other girls keep diaries?

[ReineD]

I have a friend who just had SRS. She is well over 6'2". Her workplace supports her transition. She felt she was a CD for the longest time and almost overnight, 2 or 3 years ago, she decided to transition. I don't know if this happened as her marriage was failing or if it failed because of it. It's been difficult and lonely for her. But she is strong. She came to the conclusion she could no longer live as a man. I am guessing she is in her late 40s.

There have been many threads like yours lately, where the question is no longer how to persuade a wife to accept the CDing, but whether one should transition. I remember my SO telling me a few years ago that a new study (I wish I could cite it) showed that there are more late onset TSs than was previously thought. Maybe this has to do with the proliferation of informative TG sites on the internet, and the facility with which members of the TG community can now connect.

I used to think that it was possible for CDs in deep pink fogs to idealize being a woman so much as to believe they wanted to transition, and if they did so, they would regret it later. Now I am not so sure. I am beginning to wonder if more CDs who feel this way are not late onset TSs. I wish there was a way to help people determine what they truly need.

But if you believe you cannot be happy being a man, then you owe it to yourself and your wife to come to this realization sooner rather than later. It is no good to settle unhappily in a man's life just because you feel you do not have the ideal female body. Your unhappiness will take its toll on you and your family over the years.

You could give yourself permission to live and breathe as much as you can as Katrina for a year or so, since you have your wife's support, to see how this fits with your family and your own psyche, and then make a decision as to what is best for you.

I do not know how common it is for non-TSs to feel this way:

Spending hours dressed is very comfortable, enjoyable and makes me feel like "me".


respect and sometimes jealousy are the only reactions I've had to a beautiful woman in many years


I'm not attracted to the physical image of a man (never thought "wow, he's hot") but the plumbing is certainly a turn-on.

[ikatrina]

......I wish there was a way to help people determine what they truly need.

Yes...no rule books in life. I'm fairly certain there are just as many stories and situations as there are members on this board....surely some common elements but everyone has a unique story.



But if you believe you cannot be happy being a man, then you owe it to yourself and your wife to come to this realization sooner rather than later. It is no good to settle unhappily in a man's life just because you feel you do not have the ideal female body. Your unhappiness will take its toll on you and your family over the years.

Thus the conflict. I've never said I was unhappy with being a man......I'm having difficulty in finding the correct balance to make each expression of me fulfilled.



I do not know how common it is for non-TSs to feel this way.....

These are certainly some of the aspects that make me wonder.....but as mentioned above I'm sure there are several girls here that share some, none or all of these feelings. I don't think any CD/TS is quite the same and we can't glean any constants.

The variety in situations makes our world so great, and gives psychologists a career.

[christinek]

There are a lot of tall Genetic Women, Kat Deeley, Allison Janney, many others too. Google it and see for yourself. They make ladies shoes in size 11 and 12 available in Wal Mart for such people.

[Roberta Marie]

My lost post included a very similar line of thought. In reflection over the years I've come to realize that I've never had the classic "girl in a man's body" feeling. Dressing is for expression and comfort. It's a way for the girl side of me (and all my feminine tendencies) to come out and enjoy life.

Gee I wish I hadn't lost that original post. It really did clear things up for me while I wrote it....which in a way was personally helpful even if it wasn't posted. Like a lost diary entry.

Do you other girls keep diaries?

I remember, as a little kid of 7 or 8, going to bed and praying that I'd be a girl when I woke up, only to wake up, look under the sheets and be disapointed. Then, after I hit puberty, I'd go to bed with that same prayer, but wake up in the morning and after looking under the sheets, breath a sigh of relief.

I've settled on the understanding that I'm "dual gendered", both masculine and feminine. It works good for me, to understand myself as being "in the middle". I'm contented. My wife is understanding. I'm in a good place. I dress to some extent every day. My hair, thinning as it is, is now shoulder length. I shave the parts that can be seen, and for Christmas, my wife took me to get my ears pierced.

At 5' 12" in my stocking feet, and after 26 years of humping hose and eating smoke, there's no way that I pass, but I've never really had a need to pass. I really like my guy parts, and so does my wife. I'm out in public 3 - 6 times a month, and I dress for me, not for others. I'm comfortable. I'm content.

Bobbi