Kinda at the end of my rope...

[wickedfox999]

I just acknowledged myself as TG back shortly before my birthday last year. I turned 28. I've been dealing with this issue since 2nd grade but didnt' know what it was. In the last few months I've been to a few TG support groups and things were going ok I think. I've had a scary past and I'm afraid I may have said something to alienate myself. The groups all seemed rather cliquish and I feel that I don't belong with them or that I scared them somehow. I get hassled more as a male than I do female and I really don't understand why. This isolation is really getting to me and I don't have the money or a job to be able to see counseling. The stress is really starting to get to me. I don't seem to know myself anymore and my body seems to be doing it's own thing and it's starting to scare me a bit. It's just I'm lonely and don't have people like myself to talk to. It's been hard to sleep and the stress level keeps ramping up. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm some sort of ET living among humans that don't like me.

*sighs* Sorry for the depressing post.

[sherri52]

Hi Foxy and welcome to the site. You will find many girls here with the same feelings you have. Don't be afraid to ask questions. You can PM me anytime you need an ear to vent on. If anything is true, I'm a good listener and I'm almost always on line.

[Miranda09]

Welcome Foxy. This is a great place to get any kind of support you may need, or discuss issues that are of concern for you. As Sherri said, don't be shy. The guys and gals here will make you feel like part of the family. :)

[aggi123]

Don't feel bad! I just discovered that I may be more than just a CD, and am currently trying to seek counseling. But of course, money is tough for me right now :(

I know exactly how you're feeling on that end, but I havn't even been to a support group yet. What exactly did you say at the group?

[Eve_WA]

You are definitely not alone dear. Many of us have gone, or are going through, similar things in our own lives. Each of us being different, we have found various ways to cope, and to keep the spirits up. For me, it is keeping busy. Having things I enjoy, and keep my mind occupied. Yours may be something different.

I too have found one of the local groups to be rather cliquey. You didnt say how many times you had gone. Sometimes it can take a few times to be recognized and brought into the fold. Depends on the group. But if you dont feel welcome, than I would find another group, if there is one.

Just remember dear, you arent alone. There is a whole fellowship here who understands and is here to listen.

[Danica_7]

I'm a bit younger, but i can completely relate.

Since 1st grade i'd been dealing with the strange feelings and i never really understood what they were. Time went on, and they came out in different ways.
I hit my puberty years and I did things I never understood. I thought i was just in denial about being "gay".However, the more i tried to make myself admit that i was to myself never made sense.
It was never resolved. It was just left as an unsolved mystery to myself, where it was rooted in several places in my life.

I discovered, a few weeks ago, that I am TG. Once i realized this, all of the confusion i had dealt with made sense and there was some justification. It just all worked with my new self-awareness. Incredible epiphany.

Im dealing with the stress as well. These things in life dont ask you if your ready, they just come on full-force at the worst possible time!

You will find inner peace. Paitence is key.

PM me if you want, i need more people to talk to as well ^.^

[wickedfox999]

To put things into prospective I've survived things worse than what Law and Order SVU shown on TV all before the age of 8. It seems if i tell people anything about my past they just stop talking to me and are afraid of me somehow. so they treat me different and I don't know why. Everyone seems to be a fair weather friend to me these days. Its making me more depressed and isolated from the community. I mean I've been through really really really bad times in my life and it scares people somehow.

[Wen4cd]

I can relate to the feeling, if I get you. I've suffered from isolation since childhood, and isolation has got to to be one of the most quietly debilitating mental conditions there is. "Outside looking in" is the worst place to be sometimes.

It starts early and defines a life. For me it went roughly like this:

kindergrden-2nd grade: teachers start separating me from the other kids for social skills reasons, different interests, etc...

3rd-4th grades : I begin to prefer separation and fantasy, isolate myself, am put in 'gifted' class, psych. tests begin, start to fantasize I am from another planet, etc;

5th grade, 'gifted' label changed to 'disorder' and ADD - MD treatments are started, isolating me further with bad labels

6th grade, change schools and am suddenly being beaten up daily, am now totally isolated and an outsider, emotionally and socially

7th-8th grades: finally I am sent to hospitals and mental institutions and diagnosed as schizophrenic (basically another word for 'extreme' isolation) am heavily drugged and sent to loony schools.

9-12th grades, parents pack me up and escape into mountains, immediate social isolation becomes geographic, new start, new school, isolation morphs into 'scary smartness' and flourish for a few years with top grades and ridiculous academic achievements/awards/status. Still no 'friends' though, still isolated, just am bigger than anyone and now scare people, so am not messed with.

College: Starts well, but cannot get into any social scene or groups for support or reason, lose all faith in school and world, isolation returns to 'old' version, breakdown and dropout for no external reason.

Life: end up with one or two lifelong friends, only because of the 4 years or so that I did well in high school, and they remember it, and that is my image to them. Work to get leveled with them through life, and constantly worry that they will ditch me. Have 139 IQ and 3 years of college, and make $7.25 an hour carrying garbage, because of a life of isolation, mental illness, and outsiderism. Find it very difficult to hold a job, afraid to answer phone, etc...

Isolation, alienation, outsiderism, etc. is a strong, projecting mental state, and it doesn't even matter is you say anything out loud, it projects non-verbally, and people sense it and react unconsciously, rarely even understanding why they 'don't like' you. It's an energy thing. You can combat it with a level of humility, and a lot of effort (not to 'fit in' or conform, just to 'play human',) but it's a lifelong struggle.

A few tips I've picked up:

1. Don't talk about the past, anywhere near the beginning. Your bad childhood, thought ever present in your head, should appear to be the furthest thing from your mind until you are friends on solid ground, and the subject 'happens' to come up. Isolation synd. will tempt you to utter and disclose personal info to get people to like you, sympathize, etc. Resist it, and talk about as normal things as possible. "Situationally appropriate discernment" is key.

2. 'TG status' is not what makes one isolated, try looking at it in reverse, maybe as a natural result of long self knowledge and introspection. It is a good group however, to find other souls like yourself, and find common ground. It helps with feeling human.

3. If you are shy, try forcing yourself to do things that are awkward and scare you. If something makes you freak out thinking about it, those are exactly the things you need to do. I've heard it like this: When something presents itself that you are nervous about doing, rate it 1-10 from "no problem" to "OMG never." If it's 1-3, do it anyway, no matter what, and slowly the scale of what bothers you will move backwards and your shell will dissipate in small steps. (Doing things from 4-7 are harder, but a bit more rewarding, and take a lot of courage.)

4. Resist the temptation to isolate by moralizing, or totally humiliating yourself, it can alternate between extreme hubris and total self-hatred, try to make a scale of self-worth, and keep yourself just a bit above center. This is a tricky thing with the pendulum effect, but try.

Hope this helps somewhat. I feel for you, really.

[Kerigirl2009]

I think we all have felt this way at one time or another. As far as the cliques I totally agree Everyone always finds where they are comfortable and no one is amune to the dreaded clique no matter what kind of group it is. Give it some time and I hope you feel more like you belong.:)

[wickedfox999]

Well in that case I can't really talk about my past at all. I do try to go out but since my last beating it's getting alot harder to stay out. Paranoid schizophrenia doesn't help either. I'm trying to work on not being so socially awkward and it's proven to be very difficult. Maybe I've spent too much time by myself and in front of my computer screen. I find that people find me too strange for their tastes reguardless if I speak of my past or not. I found the TG groups to be way too whiny or depressive. Too much Woe is me for my tastes. They all seemed to support more isolation. Granted even when I was presenting as male I've run into this issue. With an IQ of 165+ i've always found it difficult to interact with others. *sighs* It's frustrating.

[Wen4cd]

Your'e likely left-handed, too. :D The patterns of isolation work their magic of synchronicity.

I use the term 'isolation' as something to combat as an abstract concept nowadays, I find it seductive and safely comfortable, but eventually it only feeds the schizo even more. These days (age 35) I am banging on the door to get back in the world, and I don't care if I have to start all over, because I've been to the end of that rope and stood on the edge of that void one too many times. It is very difficult. Even offhand compliments set of panic attacks anymore. 'Special' is no longer in my vocabulary, and hasn't been for years.

[KaraChristine]

Growing up different in a messed up world leaves most of us a bit sad and frustrated sometimes. Some kind of counseling can really help clear things up. Search online for "transgender support" near you - maybe there's a group or a community center or some kind of publicly funded counseling?

Sending some good thoughts your way :hugs:

[Midnight Skye]

Hey there Wicked Fox! Just keep posting more here for now (if you can't sleep, are frustrated, and just to keep in touch), and remember you are not alone. People here are very open minded and accepting. Heck you can see people comfortable enough to post male/female comparison photos here and that says something.

As Kara said do some searching for transgender support in your area. If you don't drag up anything, ask here when you get more comfortable if anyone knows of something more useful in your area. Unfortunately our world as a whole isn't well equipped for dealing with transgendered youths (I really wish it was), and it makes finding these useful nuggets difficult sometimes, so don't be down if you can't find exactly what you're after right away.

I'm sorry to here about the transgender groups not going well. Their colors and themes greatly vary, some are simply dressing escapes for those not yet out. Others are TG themed night club hopping for fun. Some are sit down however you wish, and chat about your problems kinda thing. Each different type gives a person different support and fits different personalities... so you may simply not have run into the correct group for you.

Also realize you may not have said anything to scare anyone in the groups you've already checked out. I would certainly go back three times before you blow off a group as "not for you" unless something tremendously bad happens. I know you're going through a lot right now and it does tend to keep people at arms length sometimes, but it doesn't mean people don't want to see you. It's quite possible some of the people at the group do hope you'll come back, but weren't sure how to express it. Dark pasts are often hard to digest and most people need to take a few hours to exit from the shock of what they heard.

I totally understand your isolation feelings. I lived in at least 10 different places over the first 10 years of my life and consequently had zero friends. I also feel for you on the paranoid schizophrenia, my stepson has this along with a friend of mine. It really does make it hard to meet new people. I personally suffer from big brain syndrome and it doesn't help the whole socialization thing, but you do eventually learn to compensate... it just takes FOREVER! I can't remember what I was trying to get at here (sorry 6:00 in the morning!)... but just remember you may be different but there are others out there who can relate to you and understand some of what you're going through. Finding someone who totally understands you near by might not happen right away... but thats what this forum is for, and why brainy scientists built the internet... to find more brainy scientists to talk to.

OH and hey... get up to 10 posts so your profile unlocks and you can start sending and receiving messages. The admins don't mind too much if you have some silly curt messages to reach that 10 if you're genuine about sticking around here ;) And feel free to PM me anytime, I'd love to talk.

[Byanca]

I think I'm in the same boat. Not the genius thing, but something else that alienates me from my surroundings. Not sure what it is, but seems to be a result of some paranoid and schizoid tendencies(not severe I hope). And actually a lack of intelligence for me, like I'm unable to figure things out and make decisions. So it's like a bubble where time does not move, but everything outside races past me. And the contrast grows larger and larger, but feel helpless to do anything about. So I sleep and sleep and sleep.

The tip of not speaking about the past sounds very wise. Thanks Wen4cd. That's always when people fall of the wagon for me too. And it makes sense. Our past is our darkness. They dont and can't relate. It's surprising you found the same in support groups. I stay inside mostly all the time except the occasional trip outside. And can go for months without speaking to anyone, except on the net, and random people at the library and shops.

Don't think it's healthy. Dont know how to snap out of it. But I try.

Kinda sad really.

Hop you figure it out.
:hugs:

[sempervirens]

Hey wickedfox,

You may want to look into general therapy at this point, rather than TG oriented therapy. I'm not sure where you're located, but if you're stateside you can contact your local county mental health services dept. and pay on a sliding scale. If you're below the poverty line, it's generally $10 a session (cheap!). Some counties have better services than others, and some have great TG therapists, but I think that should be your first call.

Beyond that, try and keep in contact with people. Best wishes :).

And Katlyn, what a great, sincere post.

[Faith_G]

:yt: Like she said, I don't know where you're located, but help (at least on some level) is available at no or minimal cost in a lot of places. As an example, there's a TS clinic in Philadelphia that my therapist did her internship at. They charge based on your ability to pay. So there are places you can go for help.

Keep trying, we are all pulling for you.

:hugs:

[wickedfox999]

Thanks for all the great replies. ^_^ Finally after 2 weeks I was able to get some restful sleep. In my area you don't want to use general therapy. I tried that a few years ago and I went from 145lbs to almost 300lbs. It seemed that the doctors aren't prepared for someone like me. I've been on several drugs and all of them had really really bad interactions with me. I drew the line at Lithium, and at that point I got myself off of the meds and over the next few years I learned to deal with my paranoia. I've made good headway and I'm now able to go out in public without too many issues. Watching the movie "A Beautiful Mind" helped me out immensely. I only start to have issues when under a lot of stress and lack of sleep. My wife and I have been arguing many times over the holiday and it's all from the stress of lack of job and bankruptcy. I've been in therapy practically all my life and frankly I can't find anyone that's anywhere smart enough to help me without having me drugged up like a zombie. If I can find someone to talk to that doesn't want to use medications I'm all for it. It's just I'm a bit freaked out about the last 6 months. Granted life has gotten better in some areas for me but a few problems remain to be worked on. Every so often I have really bad days with moodswings and depression. For the last 3 days I haven't dressed and usually that means I'm going through one of my cycles. I want to thank all of you for your help.

[AKAMichelle]

I can't find anyone that's anywhere smart enough to help me without having me drugged up like a zombie.

That unfortunately is what a lot of doctors do. Have a pain there, I have a pill for you. You're depressed take this pill and you will feel better. By the end you have so many drugs working on you that you can't even recognize yourself anymore.

I'm sorry that you are finding that kind of help. As for the cliques, that happens in groups sometimes and it leaves the newbie feeling like they are unwanted. It is a shame but it does happen.

Now maybe one of the best ideas would be to try and get help from this forum. Many of us have gone through a lot of crap and some are still there in the trenches with you. It is hard to deal with being TG and finding out where you fit and how to handle everything associated with it much less life in general. Don't despair there is some help available for you, but we need some more information. Like what part of the country are you in. A more descriptive description of what you need help with so some of us with the ability to help can.

Keep talking. We want to help, but don't know how yet.

[wickedfox999]

I'm located in good ol' Denver and I love living here. So much better than Toledo, OH. I don't know where to begin discussing what's going on with myself. I thought I knew myself and it turns out I really don't anymore. The frustration of not being able to hold a job for long is getting to me. *sighs* I'm doing my best to improve things. THanks for all your advice.

[AKAMichelle]

I'm located in good ol' Denver and I love living here. So much better than Toledo, OH. I don't know where to begin discussing what's going on with myself. I thought I knew myself and it turns out I really don't anymore. The frustration of not being able to hold a job for long is getting to me. *sighs* I'm doing my best to improve things. THanks for all your advice.

there are lots of people here to help you in Denver.

You have Gender Identity Center at http://www.gicofcolo.org/
What group did you go to? Was it TSK?

Once you get up to 10 posts then I can send you a message and work out time to call and talk with you.

[jenna_woods]

welcome, this is a great to learn and get sourport.

[wickedfox999]

I've been to that center a few times. I went to a few of the Tuesday and Saturday meetings. I'm not sure if it's me or not but I felt like I didn't belong or the people were a bit hostile for my tastes. It's also hard for me to make out to the center because it's rather far away from my house I don't like the section of town it's located in. I fear for my safety a bit more since I was beaten rather badly awhile back. Granted, when the weather gets warmer I'll reconsider if I will go back or not.

On another note, I good night's sleep does wonders. I don't feel as mentally exhausted at the moment. Insomnia is a close friend of mine that I'd rather not have but after 10+ years I'm used to it.

[lavistaa62]

Wen4CDs advice sounded great to me. My sister had a VERY rough life before she was adopted by our family and had an equally tough time not going through the whole rig a ma role with everyone she met. It's important to get it out of your system but it's often tough for casual acquaintance to comprehend all in one go. As others have said we're here for you with whatever we can do. In regards to the group- I suspect they may have had bad experiences in the past and maybe are a bit defensive. It may take some time to get past those defenses and get to know them. They may also just be not the right group for you but it would take another meeting or so to figure that out. Oh and melatonin is great if you can afford to pick some up at GNC or someplace similar. Even though I share your apprehension about drugs and doctors, melatonin has kept mono at bay for me. I've got 1mg under my tonque right now and it's a blessing when it comes to insomnia.

[AKAMichelle]

So I am assuming that you live on the South side of Denver if the GIC is a long way off.

[giuseppina]

To put things into prospective I've survived things worse than what Law and Order SVU shown on TV all before the age of 8. It seems if i tell people anything about my past they just stop talking to me and are afraid of me somehow. so they treat me different and I don't know why. Everyone seems to be a fair weather friend to me these days. Its making me more depressed and isolated from the community. I mean I've been through really really really bad times in my life and it scares people somehow.

Please consider seeing your family doctor about your depression before it gets worse. From the little bit you've posted, a referral to a psychiatrist may be made.

There are good medications available to control it so you can work through your feelings about past issues. A non-judgemental counsellor is also a good idea.

Clearing mental health issues requires a lot of hard, draining work on your part, but it is the only way you can heal. A big part of getting better is taking risks to change the way you think and feel.

Good luck. :hugs:

[wickedfox999]

Under no circumstances will I consider medication again. They made things worse and I got even more depressed even to the point of suicidal thoughts. I've been on an off meds all my life and they make me feel worse than I already do. My depression has ramped up because of marriage issues, family problems as well as employment issues. I've been unemployed for over a year..My wife lost her job a few months ago and it forced us into bankruptcy and we had to surrender our condo. Since I don't have insurance and I've seen what the various clinics has done to people that i know around here so as I said earlier medications are out of the question. I bet if I can find a good counselor I won't need the meds. That's how I worked things out when I was living with my family and things were better. I've worked with my depression for most of my life and I've found as long as I have someone to talk to about various things I'm a lot happier. If you knew more about my circumstances you wouldn't be telling me to go be on meds. This is the exact same treatment that I have received from the groups around here in Denver. I'm not suicidal...Just a little anixous about my surroundings and my environment. My handicap wife and I are almost out on the streets at this point. So yeah I'm bit depressed and angry about that. If you knew more you'd say things differently.

[wickedfox999]

On another note, all I want is for people to talk to and a decent job. I don't want to sound rude but telling me to go back on meds really angers me since I've worked for 4 years to correct the damage done to my body. If I go on medications I won't be able to hold a job since I am very very sensitive to them.I went from 300lbs back down to 155-165 lbs and that was Hell enough. Since it's after the first of the year I've decided to try harder to find help for me. But even right now $20 is a lot of money. Things are getting down to the wire so yes depression will flair up and someone will despair and what not. It's only natural. Back when I first came out things were good but then my wife lost her job and other things went downhill. Before realizing what I was suicide was a constant thought in my mind. Now it isn't. I have a new outlook on life that I have never felt before. I'm the happiest Ive ever been in my life. It's just the current events that have me frustrated and in knots. Not something to be zombiefied on meds or anything. If things like a roof over my head and stable job are available I live life rather well and the depression is a moot point.

[Wen4cd]

Fox, I would be the very last person to ever recommend medication. We both know how that works, and how that exactly doesn't work.

This might sound silly, but it's what sort of worked for me recently: Carl Jung stated that in his career, he never met a complex, issue, disorder, crux problem, or case of constellated archetype in a person over their mid 30s where the ONLY answer was not some form of religion, spirituality, or higher belief. In other words, some broader symbolic framework for working with one's own unconscious. It's basically an essential mental health requirement for anyone mid-life or beyond who wants to be whole and healthy, and not constantly 'on' something.

Otherwise, and you see this often nowadays, the only answer is distraction, medication, addiction, manipulation, or some other, lesser way of fruitlessly staving off the unconscious, rather than coming to personal terms with it. Depression and anxiety, etc., are symptoms, in my vocabulary, of un-wholeness, unexpressed potentials, and general dissatisfaction and emotional impoverishment.

There is no benchmark of sanity, really. But people like you and I still would like to function and experience joy. Medication negated that for you, and did for me as well, back then, because of the unconscious implications, and the core 'flaw' it suggests, when we're none of us really 'flawed,' and we all know it somewhere inside.

I'm not saying go find any particular religion, but finding 'something' helps immensely. I'm still looking myself for the thing that transcends me most fully, and it does help. The less familiar, the better, too it seems. I talked about this with my therapist today. You know what the "prescription" was from her? Thorazine? No. "Blood sacrifice to Norse pagan gods?" Yes, actually. No joke. Not all therapists suck, I'm learning. :) The world is still an amazing place.

But that's pretty arm-chair when faced with real-world situations. As far as the immediate side, of digging yourself out of current situations, the answer is always somewhere inside, and doing what you have to do to get back on top of things usually comes last-minute for me, like pushing through a birth canal and finding the fear suddenly gone.

I never thought I would be working two jobs at once just to keep a roof over me, (three between my wife and I,) but it's no big deal after just submitting to it. It's actually relieving, in a way. Even if we still lose the house and have to downsize to a tiny place, there will be no sense of utter failure, which is what was stopping me all the while.

Pulling for you still.

[giuseppina]

Sorry Wickedfox. Medications usually work well from the studies I've seen. The medication(s) you were on had some serious side effects that don't often occur.

Medications are not a silver bullet, but they can and do help a lot of people. Yes, they dull feelings, but that is usually used to lift a person's outlook enough that they can look at their issues more objectively.

I don't particularly like being on antidepressants. I see them as a stopgap while I deal with my demons.

Good luck with your issues. :hugs:

[carolinoakland]

Ok hon, couple of things, first... BREATHE!!!! and two.... THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! And, it's ok to give yourself permission to be happy. Now there, wasn't that easy? One of the things that I've found to be common amoungst the tg community is that we're alone, oy, since I came out I can't fall over a rock now with out finding someone who is ts or tg... which is GREAT! So, let's stop worrying about the things that can't,won't, and aren't. And let you be YOU! first give yourself a huge pat on the back for figuring out who you are and wanting to do something about it... Not everybody does, I wish I could have, but, no regrets... So, talk to the girls here near you, and remember... the more you do, the more you will do... Believe me, you will be happy. Carol