Living up to my name's sake.

[confusedlittlemonkey]

Hello everyone. This is a bit hard for me to type about because I've felt like I've only just now been dealing with this issue. I guess I should just go right into the thick of it. I don't know if I'm female or male. I was born into a male body, but I'm confused now.

One of my friends keeps asking me if this was a feeling I've had since I was young. I can't answer that since I don't remember my childhood. The only things I can remember from childhood are what people tell me, like how I use to have paper dolls, I loved playing house, and in my closet I still have an easy bake oven that I cried to have. I don't remember this, but my brother makes fun of me a lot over it. I guess I use to dress in my mother's clothing when I was young. I just can't remember these things. I've always been quick to cry or show my emotions, but I suppose that's capable of any man.

My memory actually starts a couple of years after high school, and at that time I had a strong apprehension towards myself. I didn't understand what it was, but I ignored it. I joined the flower club at my school and I enjoy it. I also enjoy cooking and the likes.

Recently, though, I've become more and more depressed. It feels like something is missing, like I'm not me. I feel terrible most of the time, and I find it hard to socialize with people. I don't like the public and I don't like talking to people, it makes me feel uncomfortable for some reason.

Recently for Halloween, I went as a Geisha since I forgot my costume. I don't know why, but I was excited. I couldn't wait for the makeup to be put on, and I felt like a doll. I enjoyed every minute of it and secretly wished I could stay like that. We took some of the pictures and I thought I looked cute, and I was oddly happy and content. I remember one of the people at the party asked who was the hot Asian. I smiled but was really embarrassed when my friend who went as Gunther said I was a guy. I don't know why that phrase hurt me so much.

I'm trying no to go emo-melodrama on you guys, because I don't like to complain, but I'm trying to be honest. I tried to kill myself a while ago. I use to be a cutter, and when I decided not to do that anymore, I didn't have a release anymore so I just exploded. I was taken to a mental hospital and they said I had borderline personality disorder and possibly ADD. I asked them why I felt happy being a woman, why I thought about being a good wife, why I wanted to be girly, and I was told that's just part of the disorder.

There are no psychologists sympathetic towards gender issues where I live. Bigotry towards the GLBT community is strong, with people getting beaten and sometimes murdered. So I can't just talk about this openly. None of my friends know about this and I can't really talk to them about it, because I don't consider them that kind of friend. They are the type that will be there when you want to have fun, but leave the drama at the door or you'll see just what kind of friends you have. I remember working with a lady who was a lesbian and it fascinated me to no end. She was the only person I could talk to about what was going on in my head. I'm a coward though, and I'm ashamed to admit it. I could never be so brave as her, considering the rampant bigotry she got, even from management. It frightens me even now. But there I go again, complaining.

But now I'm wondering, is this just Borderline personality disorder? Am I merely going through a battle of depression right now? I guess my question to you all is how did you find out? How do you know? What was it like when you decided you are a female or a male? It seems like I can't move on in my life like this.

I really want to delete this post, but I'll keep it up. Maybe just talking helps. Thanks for any sympathetic eyes, since you can't really hear this post. Also, any transgender individual is welcomed to respond. I just want to know what the feeling is like. It's hard to explain what I mean, and I really do apologize for that. I learn most of anything from books and manuals. I haven't really learned all that well with interacting with people or pleasure pain reinforcements. Also, if this post violates any rules (as I am reading them right now to be safe) please delete this post immediately. I don't want to do anything wrong while I'm here.

[Wen4cd]

If I made-believe I was your counselor, :) I would point out that your story relates to my own, your 'depression' I would call anguish over not living many of your unconscious potentials. That your 'battle' is really with your shadow-self, and the lack of an unconscious ally, and everything is a matter of perspective.

To answer your direct question, I would paraphrase Jungian author John Sanford's intro to 'The Invisible Partners" Which goes something like this:

"Men are used to thinking of themselves only as men, and women think of themselves as women, but the psychological facts indicate that every human being is androgynous."

That's a good start. I'd say to keep it in mind. It wasn't something that reading could tell me until after experiencing it personally, along with some of the other things I went through.

I'd then direct you towards searching out terms such as 'anima,' for starters, and instruct you to keep researching until you find some set of terms that works for you.

I'd also add: Geishas FTW! :D

[Faith_G]

I am not a therapist and I don't really have a clue what borderline personality disorder is. I do know that being TS is something that you learn about yourself, not something somebody else can tell you.

Take a look at the link to see if there's a therapist near you who knows gender issues:
http://www.drbecky.com/therapists.html

[confusedlittlemonkey]

I have saved the link you gave me, and I hope to call the doctors soon. Wen, I've never been one to enjoy Jung. I always felt he was a little to Freudian for my taste, but he has his plus points. I think what makes it hard for me to accept some psychological ideals is that I use to research hypnosis and NLP for my own amusement, so I know how mass hallucinations work, and how the subconscious can trick your conscious into something else. Maybe I'm over thinking the situation. I tend to do that a lot.

As for borderline personality disorder I thought maybe that was the case, but several people have filed complaints against the hospital I was sent to for basically "wiping the looneys under the rug." So at first I thought it fit, but it didn't explain my urges or tendencies, which I suppose is the Anima working up?

I also wonder if my unique medical condition may play a part, but I guess that's me over thinking again. I don't know why this is such a hard thing for me to grasp. It's actually rather frustrating. I've always been the kid who can't decide what to do. To me it has always been, read a book and learn what I needed to learn and adjust my actions and world around this new information. To me, anything is possible and I don't understand why some people find some things impossible.

What frustrates me so much about this is my glaring disconnect with my own emotions and feelings and the inability to reconcile what I think I feel with what I know. For all I know, I could be feeling the results of enough mental stimulation on the subject to make me hallucinate the sensation of gender dysphoria. I can't rely on my feelings because I know feelings can be induced so easily. I had hoped that if an external experience was similar to mine I could compare the two and see if what I felt is genuine. Maybe I'm just too paranoid.

Oh well, I'm starting to loose heart in myself again. I really do hate talking about myself, but it is nice to see kind people here. I hope we can become good friends.

P.S. As for being a Geisha, I thought it was a little over kill since I am Japanese. I was probably the ugliest Geisha to ever walk the earth, but I had fantastic make-up.

[Wen4cd]

Really? I find Jung the antithesis of Freud, or maybe his light side. I prefer the terms because I relate to them better. I also prefer Jung's non-insulting humility over most others.

According to mainstream, modern mental health, I'm "borderline everything." :) I've been diagnosed with depression, ADD, ManDep, schizophrenic, basically anything they could dispense expensive drugs to treat, and I reject it.

My new therapist, the first I've seen in 20 years+, is NLP and hypno centric, and spiritual, deals heavily with TG's and with alternate lifestyles, and is a pleasure to work with, always coming up with new points of view.

Personally I see gender dysphoria as 'anima making noise,' a call to wholeness and balance, rather than tipping the scale completely the other way. But experientially, that's never how it feels.

Also, relating to your 'overthinking' problem, and having bashed myself aganst it personally, I am coming to learn that 'knowing how it works' doesn't necessarily have to negate it working for you, if you can find the right, and occasionally, the unfamiliar framing methods. I mean, you might have to go to extremes to get to something you haven't yet considered, and I personally consider a lot. That's why the word 'corrupt' comes after 'anima' in my username, it means 'corrupted by knowledge;' knowledge that emotions are unconscious projections, that feelings are so easily manipulated, knowledge of how belief equates to reality, etc. Corrupted by how dead and pointless that all feels, and how it negates action. The unconscious can 'trick' your conscious into anything, sure, but that's because there is no static reality to speak of that you're being tricked away from. It's basically 'pick your pleasure or someone is going to pick it for you."

It's heartbreaking and frustrating to deal with, and is why I am searching for religious frameworks to get under at this stage of life, because there is no reality but the one you believe, and when you believe in nothing, when you see that void 'truth,' you're almost frozen from acting in any direction. Then it comes back and bites you in the rear, looking for purpose.

But really, there's always something. There's joy to be had, but it does require some suspension of thought and disbelief. There's no joy in thinking.

Hope you stick around.
Hey, there's a book set you might like: SRD's "Cronichles of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever." Fantasy genre, but dealing essentially in these issues and the paradox they lead to.

[Andy66]

Wow. You've got a lot going on in your head. I think that's good and you're on the right track. :hugs:

Let me just say that not all psychiatrists and therapists are created equal. A few are wise, but far too many of them have their heads up their a$$es. Also, they have to officially diagnose you with something to get your insurance to pay, and they have to choose the condition from a limited list. (I used to be a patient records clerk.)

Hang in there. You're right, thoughts, emotions and reality are easily influenced, but things tend to get better as you get older.

[GypsyKaren]

Kinda sounds to me like you're getting too worked up over this and you're now chasing your tail, mayhaps it would help if you stepped back for awhile and let the dust settle, might be easier to see things if you let the air clear up a bit.

Karen :g1:

[Byanca]

Hi little monkey, will attempt to put down a few thoughts on this. This brain dump came out longer then intended, and it probably does not make any sense, but rather randomly I think it's something like this, what you wanted to know.

I tend to look for patterns in others, that's how I define myself. By comparison. I don't really have much sense of self. But I experiment and monitor my feelings and then compare. And I've reached the conclusion that everything else is irrelevant, cause that's where it all begins. So feelings is life. If one can not ignite this, both sides of the spectrum, I'm not sure one is alive.

My earliest memories are around 5 years, where I tried some of my mothers clothes. Then it's scattered pictures, all gender related. A few episodes of social collisions. But that's about it.

I also like the anime idea, and for me it seems to be true. Even before I knew about it I used to think for myself that girls that liked me intimately was lesbians or variants, and they did not even know it, even amused me sometimes.


What was it like when you decided you are a female or a male? It seems like I can't move on in my life like this.
It's kind of hard to accept either one, isn't it? Cause to me non of these make any sense, and I don't believe in it. The concepts of man and woman make a whole more sense to me, and I decide that by looking at what others do, and what I like to do. Especially have experimented a lot with alcohol to like oblivion, so my consciousness mostly fades away. And see what my natural tendencies are. Also about dreams, what they can tell me, what I long for.

So basically I've found out that I'm more on the girly side. In addition when I do male stuff, that also tends to come out like with lots of girls, that it's done rather extreme and not with the finesse guys tend to do stuff. Or their lack off, even if it's guy stuff.

There is lots of these things, and most of it points the same direction.

But mostly I just feel like a white paper, that there has not been written anything on. And that is what I try to do, learn to write. But people dont want me to learn what I would do the best. And that's a problem, since I care what other people think. I've figured out what languages that I'm not able to learn. Like male. So it's a bit backwards...like most anything.

I've never been diagnosed with anything(but have social anxiety, so it's not like they have gotten a chance), but I presume my mind is operating rather normal, only with this little twitch, that's really just a body issue. So I assume my mind is fine. And that my thoughts are rational and not fantasy. This is how it really is, for realz, that's why I can't ignore it.

[Andy66]

What was it like when you decided you are a female or a male?
Once it started to sink in that gender is fluid, I am somewhat androgynous, and it's okay to me more of one, less of the other, or occasionally neither depending on my mood... I felt relieved. :)

[noeleena]

Hi ..

Some interesting things here .
i ll . (( oh dear )) Ill need to think about some of what s been said . & yet really i dont in many case s . it will come to me the answers .
one detail is accepting your self . for who you are . . oh no memory .. till age 7 . a allmost compleat mind blank . no idear of what happened in those early years .

Being a andro . was what i was . in our day had no idear of what it ment . or even the name 1950 ,s
Now i do know & only found out 3 years ago . hey it s neat .. being both . made sence after all these years . now of cause i can live as a woman . because i am . had 50 years of trying to be a male. just never got it right . yet that had some good points . so my back ground is in some ways good .

Dont over think about who . what . you think you are . because thats all you ll do & then lose who you really are . & what makes you tick . i know you ll say never able to be happy . .
well in the main i was , i have been . & NOW I am MOST defintlly AM.......
because i can be . & as a woman . i am & will be .
i have had a hell that we have gone through . both Jos . & i .
We all go on a different road . & do things . yet we can enjoy it . or make it harder on our selfs . & that does not say that others dont have a say in that .
so what i see is . i ll make the best of the hardships along the way . & learn from that . & take from it what i can & use it .
i m not saying its been easy . far from it . yet i am now at that stage in my life . i can be who i should be . oh its not perfect . & nore am i .

So . in accepting your self is really the first stage of the start of your life . even if you have lived for many years . i m 62 . with may be 15 or 20 years left . i ll make the most of it as me . & be that woman that has taken 50 years to get to & see . my self in a compleatly different way & a different person .

...noeleena...

[melissaK]

Hmm. The "thrill" of dressing as a Geisha for Halloween and the "wish" it was permanent probably are enough to land you square in the world of crossdressing transgendered male to females. Welcome to our world sister, and to the world of our female to male brothers.

Your many comments about struggling with self identity is common in trans gender land. Some degree of being a woman trapped in a mans body, or man trapped in a womans is universal among us, and its as simple as being "happier" when acting as or dressing as the opposite gender. This is obviously confusing for a person - your feelings are at odds with everything everyone else is telling you you ought to feel - and we often don't develop our own identities. Because we are told our compass is off, we often build our identities and behaviors based solely on feed back from others. We end up alienated from our own feelings and wishes, and we can become lost and depressed about it.

Science has shown that human brains typically have male and female structures, cells and organizational differences, and the brains body's anatomical traits usually match - male brain, male anatomy. In disection studies of brains of some of us who identified as trans before death, the studied brains have male or female structures that don't match the bodies anatomical sexual traits. Science can't yet see these brain differences in a living person. All that science stuff is well and good, but we still have to live our lives in a world filled with people who don't care, or who take comfort in rules by majority as if it was a one size fits all world.

As for no childhood memories - absent physical trauma, you may want to consider emotional trauma is blocking the memories. But get other opinions as I have blank spots in my memories from emotional trauma so I may be projecting and may be way off the mark.

hugs,
'lissa

[sandra-leigh]

As for no childhood memories - absent physical trauma, you may want to consider emotional trauma is blocking the memories.

That's certainly a possible explanation.

On the other hand, some of us just don't remember things the way many other people do. I, for one, have a weak episodic memory, and am weak on anything related to time. I would have to think for a while to tell you what I had for supper a week ago, for example, and would have to ponder for a while "rebuilding context" to tell you whether something in my life happened before or after something else. I'm better on facts, but even those "rust out" with disuse. On the other hand, I'm a fiend on patterns of ideas (http://typelogic.com/intj.html), on things that involve complex mental models... just don't ask me to cite references :D

[carolinoakland]

Ok, you're in the right place now, Your safe! I started to reply and well it got way to long for here, a lot of familiar themes to your story, pm me if you can. you have to understand somthing little one,there is nothing wrong with you that knowing that won't fix. Be of strong heart, we will help, the t community tends to find our family here to replace the missing pieces of the world we are in...don't be afraid of anything, be happy now, go ahead! give yourself permission... Carol

[confusedlittlemonkey]

I had a good talk with the Psychologist. I hope to learn a little bit more about myself and what is going on. Thank you for the kind words. I hope to stay longer.

[Faith_G]

I'm glad you found someone nearby to talk to. :hugs:



I see the psychologists on Monday's now, but after today and taking some time to think about it I think I'm a girl. Part of me is afraid of that, but I feel oddly relieved to say that. To tell someone other than my brain that I may be a girl kind of makes my chest lighter.I know what you mean. I did not deal with my gender issues for years because I was afraid I was TS. I knew at some level from the time I was a teenager, but I did not want it to be true. It only took me 20 years to face the truth...


Maybe I'm jumping the gun. I need to speak to the psychologist a lot more before I can make a claim like that, but I type that and my chest tightens up again. I'm a girl, but how do I know? I don't understand how I can be like this. Give it time and be open to exploring who you want to be. Go to TG support group meetings and listen to people talk about themselves. That really helped me a lot when I was struggling to figure myself out. I went to a CD support group - that taught me who I was not. Then I found my church and met some trans women and at that point I was sure of who I am. You will figure it out. Your therapist can't tell you who you really are, but she can help you ask the right questions so you can find the answer.

edit-
I see you edited your post while I was composing mine. Do you want me to remove the quotes?

[confusedlittlemonkey]

No it's fine. I just don't want to be presumptuous and think too much over the situation. I think I understand myself, at least I hope I do, but I need to take time and think. Thanks again for the kind words.

Just think of it as me being a little panicky monkey. Or maybe a sand person. I spook easily, but I'll be back, and in greater numbers.

[carolinoakland]

that's fine, and you will be back. I love reading diane's posts, I know exactly how she feels, see, we are all going through similar things, I too was terrified of what the truth was... and what i would have to do with that knowledge. And it's funny that I was afraid of HAVING to do something, and my solution was to run away and do nothing but suffer. So, I think your're getting a clearer picture, so ask yourself... Aren't you tired of suffering...


One thing that the threapist and we in the community watch for is the person who thinks that just by changing their gender their lives will automatically improve... it doesn't do that. But what I have found is that now that I am a woman, that i am ALL the person I can be with all my skills and energies focused at last. And the whole person I've become can face any challenge now.... and love stepping into the spotlight and look em in the eye and so " so?" and go about my life at last. You will too, just follow the bread crumbs... Carol

[Hope]

Lets get this out of the way up front: You need to see a professional. Desperately.

Everyone (well most of us) here will love and support you to the extent that we are able, but none of us are professionals, and none of us have the knowledge, skill sets, or access to you and the therapeutic environment that you require right now. You NEED to see a professional. I would say that even if you hadn't made suicide attempts, even if you weren't a cutter, even if you were not feeling confused about your gender, even if you were able to remember your childhood - those any of those symptoms in and of themselves would be legitimate reason to seek professional counseling. Even without all of that - I would still tell you to go see a therapist, because honestly, a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder is nothing to treat lightly. I can say this with such vehemence because my mother suffered with borderline personality disorder. It is a nightmare, not only to the person who suffers with it, but for everyone around them as well. You NEED to see a professional.

And the person you see does not need to be a specialist in gender issues. They do not need to be tolerant of gender issues (though any competent therapist will be) and you don't even need to talk about gender issues if you don't want to, (talk about the borderline personality disorder, the suicide attempts, the lack of memory, etc) but you need to see someone, so that you can get your legs back underneath you, and get your arms around some of these issues, so that you can tackle the other issues as well, including the gender issues. Maybe this is all gender related, maybe it is not; I wouldn't be surprised either way. but either way there is non-gender related work you can do.

And you need to be serious about it. And you need to be honest about it. Part of the issue with borderline personality disorder is an inability to take responsibility, and an uncanny ability to avoid tackling core issues. Because they are going to be painful. The therapist is not a magician, and she is not a miracle worker, she has no magic that will cure you, and sitting in her office for an hour a week for 10 years avoiding your real issues will not help you. She can show you how to do the work - but you have to do the work, and you have to help her find the places you need the help.

The part about not remembering your childhood. It's called disassociation. It happens as a result of stress, and often trauma. It is usually for a short period of time, but can be longer, and can be strung together to create longer memory lapses. The basic understanding is that your brain tries to protect you from whatever it is you experienced, by blocking your memory of it. The memory is still there, but your subconscious thinks you can't handle the emotional weight of it right now / yet. Be wary of anyone who encourages you to recall specific events, as this is how false memory is created - but on the other hand, after you do some work with your therapist and get in touch with your emotions - I would expect that you would spontaneously start to recover some of your memories.

You have friends here, and people who will do their best to help you - but you need to see a professional, and stick with it.

[confusedlittlemonkey]

Thank you, Carol. I've never been one to think my problems will be solved by some magical wand, despite the countless romance movies I love watching. What scares me the most is the change itself.

I am comfortable with the idea of being a girl. In fact, I rather like the idea, and have a whole concept of how I want to decorate, how I want my hair, what kind of make-up I want to wear, but I can't reconcile with the fact that I think I have overtly masculine thoughts. I am especially afraid of the repercussion I could suffer in my day to day interactions. I also wonder if I'm not just gay and playing out this "fantasy" in some way as thinking I may be a girl. I don't like doing things without figuring out what all possible moves could be. Again, I'm an anal annie.

One thing that use to be my mantra was this was just a phase. I'll grow out of this because it's just a phase. But it's been years now, and I'm still preoccupied with it. Nearly all of last year it dominated my thoughts, and so far this month it's all I can think of. I haven't grown out of it, but been consumed by it. I can't escape it, and the urges get stronger and stronger as the day wears on. I put on lipstick last night and felt like a faucet flipped open and released all this pressure I've held up inside me. As Eddie Izzard put it, I don't want to be a "weirdo transvestite." Shoot, I don't even want to be a transvestite. I just want to be normal, but it's so hard to fight these desires.

I feel like a drug addict. I don't want to do it, I don't want to be associated with it, but I can't stop it. It haunts my dreams, it fills my mind all the time, and I find myself just slipping in a quick fix, just a little. But it's not enough anymore. I want more. I need more just to feel normal now. Before looking and fantasizing was enough, now I get edgy and crabby if I can't fix my hair in just the right way to make me feel pretty. I just want to be normal.

I posted elsewhere about wanting to go on a panty raid at Walmart. I felt good here. I felt normal talking to you, and I envied your will to dress to your hearts content. I couldn't do it, and chickened out. I just went home, cried and put on lipstick. I was so afraid. I thought someone was going to look at me and call me freak, that I was going to be laughed at, or someone was going to attack me. I know I was probably over reacting, but it's how I felt. Even now I'm thinking about going again. I really want to wear the clothing now. I really want to dress up now, and it aches inside me to not do it. I want to sleep in a nice pair of panties and a night gown. I want to wear that kimono again.

I always thought wearing a kimono would be very loose and over exposing of my crotch, but it was soft and smooth and the way the fabric held to your legs made you feel secure and beautiful. I want that again.

But here I go rambling about pointless things. Either way it doesn't really matter now. I'll just go to bed and wait for Monday to roll around.

P.S. I know Hope, and thank you. I did contact a psychologist and I am seeing her on Mondays now. I think the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder is incorrect because I don't share some of the symptoms of it, and I do take responsibility of my actions, I sometimes take on the responsibility of others at times. What I think really got me was the Hospital I went to was overtly Catholic. I told them my thoughts on being a girl and they said I need to write a thought journal and give my problems up to a higher power. Well the psychiatrist who was there said I'm not taking responsibility for my attempt (which didn't make sense since I said I did it and was being dumb for trying), but more importantly he said these thoughts are just projections of my homosexual tendencies. He said something about pattern interrupts being necessary to help me. When I was in group they said that I was just pretending, or that I was confused, or I was lying. They said let go and let god. It wasn't exactly a whole lot of fun.

As for my memory problem, I have a mnemonic memory. It borderlines photographic and I spent a long time working on it. I'm really good at memorizing things and lists. It's one of my secret weapons for learning languages (which I love). There are bits and pieces of information that I remember from my childhood, but it seems really disordered. When I ask my family about my memory everyone says I lived a pretty good life. I would visit my father at the condo during the summer, and I would go to the ski resorts on good snow days. They said I had a great life. When I think back on it, I don't feel anything wrong other than it was a split family. A story I have that made my brother sad was I was visiting Seattle one day. We were there because my brother had a business trip there and I wanted to see what was happening with my sister there. My brother decided we should eat at some restaurant. I can't remember the name of the place now, but I remember it's in the U DUB district (I think), the building is orange, but open on all four sides. The cooking section is in the center, and there is a sort of table to the side where you can stand to eat your cheese burgers. For some reason I remember it almost being like a cheese burger buffet in a way. Anyways my brother mentions the name of the place. I asked if it was a good place. My brother laughed and asked me if I was joking. I told him no. He asked if I was being serious. I said yes and he got real quiet. He said it was sad because every summer for 5 years straight we had gone there on Wednesday. It was a tradition to go to this place on Wednesday while I was visiting. I didn't even remember it at all. I have so many events like this. There's a picture on the wall of my sister's house on a plate. My sister, her friend, my brother and I are on a plate which was printed at a Fair. I asked who the girl was, and I guess she was a close family friend. The Psychologist said the sad thing about memory suppression is it's not biased to what get's suppressed. The good and the bad goes if it falls in that time your mind doesn't want to remember.

Oh well, I've waxed on long enough.

[Byanca]

The basic understanding is that your brain tries to protect you from whatever it is you experienced, by blocking your memory of it. The memory is still there, but your subconscious thinks you can't handle the emotional weight of it right now / yet. Be wary of anyone who encourages you to recall specific events, as this is how false memory is created
This is very interesting. I was drinking with a neighbour of mine a few years ago, together with a ex friend of mine. And the neighbour(my mothers uncle), and also my ex friend started to bring up past events. I could not believe that they could remember any of these things. Or why they wanted to talk about it(maybe it's normal, I dunno).

It ended with the older guy telling me how much alike my brothers daughter was to me. And that I needed to be the girl I always was. He did not mean any harm. Over and over, intervened with the stories they told. Remember I started crying, like really bad.

That's the last thing I remember before I woke up in my bed the next morning. Apparently I had a psychotic breakdown. Violent even. I have not spoken to them since, and no one else brings it up. I'm too ashamed to apologise for my behaviour. Even more so that they then knew for certain what's wrong with me.

[carolinoakland]

I did recover a memory in therapy once. I was more scared when I realized that I was capable of such things. And then my mom told me that I had been telling my therapist as a child that I wanted to be a girl. And i don't remember it... And I don't have any memory of my natural father until AFTER the divorce, which wasn't until after my two siblings were born, and I have no memory of life with them before the divore either, yeah I know I was young and all, but NOTHING?

[confusedlittlemonkey]

That's quite the science experiment. Memory lapses in the transgendered community? I wonder.

[Pink Person]

Hi Sweet Monkey,

You are a transfeminine person. You are a transfeminine person because your personal gender identity, preference, and expression are feminine but the social gender identity, preference, and expression that most other people assign to you are masculine. You are a transgender person because your personal gender is the opposite of your social gender. You are a feminine person to yourself but not to most other people. This is why you feel anxiety in social situations and fear social conflict when you express yourself in a feminine manner.

If you want to be happy then you must express your femininity. If you want to minimize your social anxiety and fear then you will have to find ways to get other people to adopt your personal perception of yourself. It won’t be easy, but surrendering to social perceptions and expectations is not a good alternative.

P.S. Don’t kill yourself. There’s nothing wrong with you. There might be something wrong with other people who can’t accept you.

[melissaK]

. . . What scares me the most is the change itself. . . . I am comfortable with the idea of being a girl. In fact, I rather like the idea . . . I'm still preoccupied with it. Nearly all of last year it dominated my thoughts, and so far this month it's all I can think of. I haven't grown out of it, but been consumed by it. I can't escape it, and the urges get stronger and stronger as the day wears on. . . . . I don't even want to be a transvestite. I just want to be normal, but it's so hard to fight these desires. . . . . I feel like a drug addict. I don't want to do it, I don't want to be associated with it, but I can't stop it. It haunts my dreams, it fills my mind all the time, . . . . I just want to be normal. . . . I felt normal talking to you, and I envied your will to dress to your hearts content. I couldn't do it, and chickened out. I just went home, cried and put on lipstick. I was so afraid. . . . I thought someone was going to look at me and call me freak, that I was going to be laughed at, or someone was going to attack me. . . . . I really want to dress up now, and it aches inside me to not do it. I want to sleep in a nice pair of panties and a night gown. I want to wear that kimono again.
.

Sounds like feelings all of us have had, or still have, in our journey of self acceptance. Feelings of guilt (violating some moral code we have been taught and previously used to measure our self and define ourself) are really hard to overcome.

You have to let go of the idea of "normal" and redefine it more accurately. No two humans look very much alike - how preposterous and presumptious is it to label any of us "normal"? If in thinking about my argument you thought "twins look alike," I ask you - are twins "normal"? No, they are an uncommon occurrence. The old adage is "normal is just a setting on a wash machine."

The fear of cross-dressing takes awhile to overcome. Just do it. Plenty of web sites will clue you into clothing sizes. First you can buy online and have your order filled privately. Next you can work up the nerve to go to a town
where no one knows you and buy a pack of panties at the Walmart - and you will realize no store alarms go off, and clerks don't stop you and ask you where your SO is before they ring up the sale. Then you realize they don't care if you try on womens jeans in the mens dressing rooms. A step at a time.

And then you get comfortable cross dressing and eventually you tell a friend or SO. And you are shocked/relieved/joyous when they are still your friend. And then you are on the road to being you . . . liked for who you are - not for who you pretend to be. That makes the journey worthwhile.

hugs,
'lissa

[Hope]

P.S. I know Hope, and thank you. I did contact a psychologist and I am seeing her on Mondays now. I think the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder is incorrect because I don't share some of the symptoms of it, and I do take responsibility of my actions, I sometimes take on the responsibility of others at times. What I think really got me was the Hospital I went to was overtly Catholic. I told them my thoughts on being a girl and they said I need to write a thought journal and give my problems up to a higher power. Well the psychiatrist who was there said I'm not taking responsibility for my attempt (which didn't make sense since I said I did it and was being dumb for trying), but more importantly he said these thoughts are just projections of my homosexual tendencies. He said something about pattern interrupts being necessary to help me. When I was in group they said that I was just pretending, or that I was confused, or I was lying. They said let go and let god. It wasn't exactly a whole lot of fun.

It's cool.

There are bad therapists out there. If you don't like the one you are seeing now - see a different one. Even if you are not suffering with borderline personality disorder, you definitely have sufficient reason to see a therapist. But here is a reasonable test: if you see 3 therapists, and you think they are all screwy - maybe you will take a closer look at the common denominator? Especially if you keep running into the same types of problems with different types of therapists... On the other hand, if you like the woman you are seeing now - Yahtzee!

While I won't suggest that what you describe (at the Roman hospital) sounds like first quality care - the fact that it isn't a lot of fun isn't a part of the problem. It's not supposed to be fun, and it isn't going to be like a trip to the beach - but it is good for you, and will help you live a fuller, more enriching life. If nothing else it will help you to live a life you can remember.