Christine Andrews
01-07-2010, 12:08 PM
Good Afternoon:)
For a number of months I have enforced an absence from dressing, as to be honest it was bringing me down. My self-acceptance or lack of was at a low and I was ready to purge out of guilt and a small amount of self-loathing.
In October I did something very risky that put more fear in me than I've known for a very long time. I set foot outside, fully dressed for the first time. It was late at night and only in my back yard but the risk of a neighbour seeing me was a source of great fear. Ultimately I stole myself together and took the plunge. It was fantastic - I've wanted to do it for years and it felt great to go out and just be me outside the house - beyond closed curtains.
Then the fear came back. I was paranoid for two weeks that I may have been seen. I wasn't seen thankfully but it highlighted to me that:
A) The "Pink Fog" is very potent and alluring....
B) I thought I knew what I wanted and I did... sort of.
The latter point is the biggest surprise. I've always told myself that being in the closet was fine. For a number of reasons fully coming out is not possible. However, whilst this is acceptable - I realised that part of me wants to be expressed openly and accepted - something that my Graduation really drove home as I saw some of my female friends at the ceremony. I realised that crossdressing represented more of my inner-self than I expected - qualities I treasure in myself and that without expression - even as closetted CD where no-one can see really made a difference.
The mix of emotions following the experience led me to enforce an absence and really think about what I want, what is possible and how to proceed. I've learned more about myself for it as a result and learned that:
1) Although not ideal, I am more than happy to stay in the closet - the fear of being caught showed me that I am nowhere near ready to come out anytime soon. It did however set me on the path I needed - it gave me a taste of what I can do when I overcome fear and what I need to do to strengthenb myself.
2) How true the advice many of you ladies offer of never purging is. I am so glad that I read advice given to one member who asked a similar question to what I myself was going to post.
Anyhow, one resolution for 2010 as a result of this experience - to finally find self-acceptance and not let it slip away.
On a side note, sorry for rambling. I know my little experience is somewhat tame in comparison to many of you ladies out there but I just needed to sound off and this forum is my only place to safely do so. May add more later when I get time anyway.
Thanks & Regards
Kirsty
For a number of months I have enforced an absence from dressing, as to be honest it was bringing me down. My self-acceptance or lack of was at a low and I was ready to purge out of guilt and a small amount of self-loathing.
In October I did something very risky that put more fear in me than I've known for a very long time. I set foot outside, fully dressed for the first time. It was late at night and only in my back yard but the risk of a neighbour seeing me was a source of great fear. Ultimately I stole myself together and took the plunge. It was fantastic - I've wanted to do it for years and it felt great to go out and just be me outside the house - beyond closed curtains.
Then the fear came back. I was paranoid for two weeks that I may have been seen. I wasn't seen thankfully but it highlighted to me that:
A) The "Pink Fog" is very potent and alluring....
B) I thought I knew what I wanted and I did... sort of.
The latter point is the biggest surprise. I've always told myself that being in the closet was fine. For a number of reasons fully coming out is not possible. However, whilst this is acceptable - I realised that part of me wants to be expressed openly and accepted - something that my Graduation really drove home as I saw some of my female friends at the ceremony. I realised that crossdressing represented more of my inner-self than I expected - qualities I treasure in myself and that without expression - even as closetted CD where no-one can see really made a difference.
The mix of emotions following the experience led me to enforce an absence and really think about what I want, what is possible and how to proceed. I've learned more about myself for it as a result and learned that:
1) Although not ideal, I am more than happy to stay in the closet - the fear of being caught showed me that I am nowhere near ready to come out anytime soon. It did however set me on the path I needed - it gave me a taste of what I can do when I overcome fear and what I need to do to strengthenb myself.
2) How true the advice many of you ladies offer of never purging is. I am so glad that I read advice given to one member who asked a similar question to what I myself was going to post.
Anyhow, one resolution for 2010 as a result of this experience - to finally find self-acceptance and not let it slip away.
On a side note, sorry for rambling. I know my little experience is somewhat tame in comparison to many of you ladies out there but I just needed to sound off and this forum is my only place to safely do so. May add more later when I get time anyway.
Thanks & Regards
Kirsty