Compelled but why?

[pamela_a]

I've been trying to understand why I'd recently felt so compelled to reconnect with an old high school friend. On the surface it may not sound like a bad idea but in this case I fully expected complete and total rejection, which is exactly what I got. Maybe it's just me and my affinity for St. Jude the Apostle (he's the patron saint of lost causes for those that don't know) or I'm just a glutton for punnishment.

After a few "warm up" emails about getting together for coffee, he finally asked who "Pam" was since that's how I sign all of my emails. I responed simply that her full name is Pamela Christine A****. her birthday and she is me.

I think what hurt the most was his almost instantaneous response. Granted it has been many years since but I felt we had been very close friends and I always felt he would be at least willing to listen, but the harsh cruelty of his words took me by surprise. Not one iota of open mindedness or willingness to even listen. I'll have to admit I was rather proud of my response to him and hopefully somehow at least planted something in his mind that he someday thinks about, but the seed of thought was buried rather deeply in sarcasm.

What's even stranger is I still feel compelled to try and contact another friend, from whom I can fully expect the same response. But then it may turn out differently.


So am I alone in this insanity or have others of you felt the same way?

[CharleneT]

You are far from alone in this one dear !

BUT there is a thing here, it is insanity, but not yours !!!! Well, I'm over stating it a lot, they are not insane, just closed minded or too traditional for learning something new. You reached out and he was very interested until he found out it meant extending himself. I am sorry for what happened.

At some point we all want to start and reconnect with old friends, hoping that they will accept us as who we are. Some will :D Others will not. Unfortunately it is hard to tell what the reaction will be until you extend your friendship anew and see what they do.

:hugs:

Charlene

[carolinoakland]

I go back and forth on this, the people from the past that I think about reconnect with... what is the end result I'm hoping for? where they a part of my world or life pre transition? Was my gid the reason i never reached out and kept in touch over the years. And what would we build and on what foundation? would we talk about a past that I can't acknowledge? How would we connect me and them to our lives now? IE: Hi, so and so, this is my... uh .... from High school... uh we used to be uh... you get the picture right? maybe I always knew that in the end I was going to have to have no contact with my past. I know that the experiences of that life and gender are the only part of that life that matters to who the person I am today... and those I get to keep under my hat so to speak. But other than that, the past has no place in this present. I also notice that when I'm with people who knew me from before I will notice them looking at my face trying to find the person they used to know... and i wish they wouldn't remind me that i made him up... Carol

[CATgirldo]

A few years after we graduated from high school, I came out to a friend and his wife expecting the same response you had. I never got along with his wife so in a way I expected this to be the end of the friendship. She Loved it. After that she wanted to help me learn the ropes. My high school buddy didn't have a choice but to please his new wife. Anyway it worked out, but I then realized it would probably be better to just keep this to myself. After being away for 30 years, we reconnected last weekend... her first question was about Sherri.... and he was just happy to see me again.
But I don't think I'll tell any other high school buddies. I want them to know the real me... but they may be happier not knowing.

CAT

[Schatten Lupus]

I've been contimplating coming out to my closest friend, who I have been friends with since I was 8. 15 years later, an few states now seperating us, we still keep in contact. I'm not quite sure how to break it to him, but I am 99.999% sure he is gay himself and in very deep denial, and I am hoping my coming out to him will help him deal with his own self.

[Teri Jean]

Pam, I think, okay that is a loose term here, we try to validate our choices with those we know and have a history with whether it is sports, a club, a group of friends. Then there is the reality some will never understand or accept and for your classmate he may be one that is in that camp. Does that mean you give up on trying to let others know and into your life, heck no, but do realize for those that do accept there will be many others that don't.

Take care sis and I will be talking soon. Huggs Teri

[lavistaa62]

I'm not sure but I think wanting to connect with friends from the past is part of the transition process- as a male I have never really cared about that. If I remained friends with someone great, if not well there are plenty of other people to meet and new friends to make. My sisters however always actively maintained links to their friends, my daughter does so also. This includes 'friends' they only complain about afterward and didn't like that much to begin with!

As with all generalities there are exceptions but maybe this is another aspect of your underlying femininity- the desire to be liked and accepted.

[Katesback]

Been there done that and yes it is one of the wierdest things to experience. Personally I think the best approach is to come to realize that the person that the people of the past knew is gone and the person than exists today is not the person they knew. I recently went home to visit family. While I was there I went to an old hang out and saw a lot of people I used to know. Not one of them recognized me as and I came to realize it was in many ways pointless to say hi to them.

Personally I myself came to realize I was almost being a voyer looking at the past life of someone that does not exist today.

Today I focus on the friends I have made since transitioning.

[Melissa A.]

You might very well get a different response, pam. Or it may be more of the same. Anyone's response says more about them than it does about you. This guy is who he is, and if he wants to throw away an old connection because of his own issues, that's his stuff, not yours. Just don't allow it to hurt you too much, hun. Hope for the best, be prepared for the the worst. I contact old friends I see on facebook, and I while I haven't yet gotten a hostile response, except for one of my ex's, who called me by my male name, and told me to please leave her alone(which was ok with me), there are a couple where my friend request has just been hanging there, for months. It's ok. I've decided I can deal with the worst that can happen. And there sure are alot worse things that can happen. Be proud of who you are(I know you are) and move on. His loss.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Stephenie S]

The response you got is not the least bit surprising to me.

But I think it was your technique that did it, not his reaction. What you did was to "trick" him. This is absolutely abhorrent to most men. You spent several Emails establishing your self as PAM, and then revealed that you were someone else, a GUY from his past. I am sure he felt betrayed.

Next time be upfront from the beginning.

I know that you are transitioning and therefor must present as PAM at all times. But in that case, don't say, "OH, but I used to be a guy." If you truly ARE transitioning, then you have to be PAM, and not someone he remembers from schooldays. Perhaps it would be better to let sleeping dogs lie, so to speak, and focus on developing NEW friends rather that rekindling friends from the past.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[sandra-leigh]

I've been trying to understand why I'd recently felt so compelled to reconnect with an old high school friend. On the surface it may not sound like a bad idea but in this case I fully expected complete and total rejection, which is exactly what I got.

Yes, last year, I connected with two high school acquaintances, as Sandra (without giving my male name or indicating that they'd known me as a male). I apologized to them for a personal weakness of mine in my treatment of them 30 years earlier. Both accepted me on that basis. In time, I eventually connected to them with my male name, and at that time I told them I was TG, and left it up to them as to which (if either) of my identities they choose to stay in touch with. Both choose to continue the connection with both identities.

My primary incentive for connecting with them was my sense of guilt, but I could have handled that under my male name. I won't rationalize my handling of the re-connection to them here, partly because it wasn't handled rationally; I made the choices emotionally (or intuitively perhaps.) I had failed them with respect to them being different than other people; I could say that perhaps I was implicitly conveying "I know now how you must have felt then"... but I think there were perhaps elements of me somehow wanting absolution for being different now. (Why seek it from them, rather than somehow from main-stream society? I'm not sure, exactly. Partly, I think, because one wants absolution from one's peers, from the people one respects, from those competent to judge... and since most people haven't experienced or thought seriously about these issues, most people aren't competent to judge.)


I have connected to other people I knew in high school, but they are the only people from high school that I have come out to; I haven't even come out to the people who were my closest friends back then.




But I think it was your technique that did it, not his reaction. What you did was to "trick" him. This is absolutely abhorrent to most men. You spent several Emails establishing your self as PAM, and then revealed that you were someone else, a GUY from his past. I am sure he felt betrayed.

I think you misread, Stephenie:


After a few "warm up" emails about getting together for coffee, he finally asked who "Pam" was since that's how I sign all of my emails. I responed simply that her full name is Pamela Christine A****. her birthday and she is me.

The "sign all of my emails" indicates to me that Pam connected under her former name, but wrote "Pam" at the end of the message. If there was any "pretense" felt by the person, it would have been along the lines of "I thought I was connecting with someone I knew, but I knew him and he was normal; you have done away with him, and you I don't know!"

[pamela_a]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stephenie S http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/images/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=2000900#post2000900)
But I think it was your technique that did it, not his reaction. What you did was to "trick" him. This is absolutely abhorrent to most men. You spent several Emails establishing your self as PAM, and then revealed that you were someone else, a GUY from his past. I am sure he felt betrayed.

I think you misread, Stephenie:

Quote:
Originally Posted by pamela_a http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/images/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=2000635#post2000635)
After a few "warm up" emails about getting together for coffee, he finally asked who "Pam" was since that's how I sign all of my emails. I responed simply that her full name is Pamela Christine A****. her birthday and she is me.

The "sign all of my emails" indicates to me that Pam connected under her former name, but wrote "Pam" at the end of the message. If there was any "pretense" felt by the person, it would have been along the lines of "I thought I was connecting with someone I knew, but I knew him and he was normal; you have done away with him, and you I don't know!"Thanks Sandra, that's pretty accurate.
My emails to him would all have been identified as coming from Pam and my last name. Considering there are only 3 living people in the world with that name I'm doubtful he would have thought it from anyone but me.

You are very correct about not being who we were which was something I pointed out in my response to him.. how who I was has been relegated to memory the same as who he had been and we would have really been just 2 people meeting anew but with shared memories.

Thank you all for your thoughts and insights. It's good to know this isn't unique to me.

[Stephenie S]

Hmm. Still confused (maybe).

You mean you wrote to him using your male name but then signed your female name? That IS confusing. But different from what I originally assumed.

Your question as to why you did this is a good one. I still think that perhaps you should concentrate on forming NEW friends.

Stephie

[pamela_a]

Stephanie, at no time did I use my male name. All correspondence from me was as Pam. Given my last name's uniqueness either HE assumed it was from who I used to be or from some very close relative (child?) of mine but at no point did I use my old name or lead him to believe otherwise. Make sense now?

[sandra-leigh]

Your question as to why you did this is a good one. I still think that perhaps you should concentrate on forming NEW friends.

I can't speak for Pam, but I found that the process of getting in touch with people I knew in elementary school and high school was beneficial to me. At least at this remove of time (30-40 years), more of them that I would have expected had memories of me that were favourable, including people I had seen around but had not known at all well. In going back and looking at the old pictures and reviewing what I could of the past, and with the memories triggered as the people talked to me, I regained portions of my past -- and found that overall, it mostly wasn't as bad as my usual reaction. And I confirmed something that I sensed back in elementary school: that my worst tormentor didn't put me down out of personal dislike for me, but rather as an expression of a hard home life.

My past has had a profound effect on making me who I am today. I may never have dared to revolt against society and say "I don't care whether you like me being publicly feminine, I'm going to do what I want!" if I hadn't been pushed around and ignored by so much of society for so very long. I may never have developed the strength of character to do what I think is right even if it is unpopular or rare or financially costly, if people hadn't been putting me down unjustly for so long. Numerous people (especially on the MTF board) have spoken of having created persona to "fit in", and then finding themselves locked in their persona: I never learned how to fit in, so I "dare" any of a number of things that most people have to work for years and years on.

Understanding and accepting the past more can be key factors in understanding and accepting yourself more.

The people who were friendly to me in High School haven't done anything (that I know of) to lead me to cut the bond just based upon my anxiety over how they would react to me now. If I am looking for new friends, I owe them a sort of "right of first refusal". That might mean reconnecting to them in my male guise and seeing if we "click", if we find we have anything to say to each other. Though of course, I have to keep in mind that some of them that might react with a bit of distance, might be doing so because they are themselves dealing with internal changes (or strengthening of traits) that they are worried that I would react negatively to!

[Melissa A.]

I got it, Pam. Same as you, my last name, while not as unusual as yours, is still not too common. When contacting old friends, I always sign as Melissa, and just figure they'll remember my last name. My piccie is on facebook, too. I do look quite a bit different, but not THAT much that it's impossible to tell it's me. So far no one has written back saying, "Who're you???" So maybe this guy, in addition to being somewhat trans and whatever-phobic...is also possibley not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[AllieSF]

Going back to reconnect with the past is not an easy thing and can have mixed results no matter what has changed in our lives. I was close to a lot of my grade school and high school friends. We ocasionally get together when I am in town. The conversation normally includes a quick recap with little or no details of our present situations and then automatically regresses to our school days together and all the Sh*t we did. That is the most fun and overloads the evening. When we run out of the past to converse about, the conversation sometimes goes dry or brings out those parts of us that have matured, or not, over all the years apart. Some can remain good and close friends worth keeping with similar approaches to life, religion, politics and whatever. Others, including myself, sometimes reveal our current true selves that may or may not be acceptable to either party.

When you throw in an alternate lifestyle situation for one of the parties, who knows how it would go. I like the phrase I learned here, "Reveal on a need to know basis". I think all of us need to look at that seriously. Why burden someone else with our relevation if they really do not need to know, we don't see them very often or almost never? We may upset them in some way unnecessarily. We are burdening oursleves too, since a negative reaction, even though anticipated (but not hoped for), can have negative effects on us. The insecure ask, "Am I fat in this dress?", "Do you still love me?", etc. The secure already know the answer, or do not really care about the answer. I strive to be secure, and sometimes I actually think that I am!

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

and have actuallly reconnected with ex inlaws that I haven't spoken with in at least 12 years and im some cases have contacted some friends from 30 years ago. I expect to either get no response or a negative response but am surprised to have a positive response or at minimum a politically correct neutral response. But I try to concentrate on my present day friends who have been with me and still with me as I transition.

But to say you are not alone in wanting to reconnect with older friends. Kimberly :battingeyelashes: