Think my fiance might suspect something.

[Samantha_Smile]

Let me set the scene.
We moved into our new apartment around 3 months ago, and theres still a LOT of crap in boxes that we'd like to get sorted out but never get round to.
Im currently stashing my 2 bras, 2 pairs of knickers and two boobies (made from water balloons wrapped in skin colour tights) in a plastic chest, which I hide with candles, many meters of speaker wire, audio selecter boxes, many different audio wires etc, also in the chest, in the box room. On top of the chest, I stack a toolbox and a box of stuff and I have placed an old PC case infront of the chest to make the chest look unused.

Now, yesterday, she re-arranged the room (feng shui anyone?) and we lost our signal on our TV in the bedroom. Then last night we were watching TV and she says she is tired and wanted to watch big bang theory in bed.
I went to get a bath while she tried to get signal on the digi-box in time for BBT. As Im running the bath, I hear a painfully familiar sound of clunk-clunk as the snap-shutters on the chest lid are opened, I bolt it into the box room to find her stood over the chest with the lid open. Knowing I always bury my underwear and boobs under the junk, I callmly walk over to her...
"Im sure we had a signal booster in here" she says,
"Nah baby, we never bought one, this is all my speaker wire and junction boxes, see?" I lifted out the speaker wire and a scart box.
Seeing the scart box, she became convinced we had a booster. I closed the chest, repeating that we didn't have one (we actually dont, but I didnt want the uncomfortable silence as she found my secret stash).
She told me to get out, get a bath and leave her too it.
I bite the bullet and leave for the bathroom.
Clunk-clunk again...
Oh-noes!
I lie there in the bath, I hear the rustling of wires, the movement of plastic, plastic bags crinkling
Then nothing.
A good 60 seconds of silence.
(Im now BRICKING it, working up the courage to face her when she walks in crying, asking why I have these things, I had the reply perfect too "Ive been wearing them when Im alone", I steadied my breathing and waited...)
The lid on the chest closed annd the search for the booster sounded like it was continuing next door.
We watched BBT in bed (used an ariel extension lead in the end), but she never said anything about it, she was quiet though.
This morning before she left for work, she's been great with me, chatty, smiley, lovey... the normal.
I went to check in the chest and one of my boobs and my cleavage bra weren't where I left them... they were practically on top of all the crap in the chest.

She MUST have seen them!!!
So now Im left wondering what's next.
Is she resolving?
Is she repressing?
Is she denying?

Could this prove to be my oportunity to come clean when asked?
51% of me hopes so.

Will keep you posted girls.

[rayander01]

What ever happens, DO NOT lie. Tell her the complete truth. At least she will have a chance to make up her mind which way she want's to go,

Best of luck and keep us informed. We're roting for you.

Rey

[Carole Cross]

She knows, I think it would be best if you confess before she says anything about it. Who knows what she may be thinking right now.

[kristinacd55]

I'd say come clean, don't wait 32 years after you're married to address it like I did! Communication & patience are the keys. :thinking:

[Ashley Williams]

Yes - the decision has been made for you. Lying now will not help. Think also about how you could draw the line if she is not supportive, but will agree that you keep it as something you do for yourself.

Good luck also - definitely a moment of no return!

[Samantha_Smile]

What ever happens, DO NOT lie. Tell her the complete truth. At least she will have a chance to make up her mind which way she want's to go,
Rey

Ive decided that if confronted about it, Im not going to lie.
Not about this.


She knows, I think it would be best if you confess before she says anything about it. Who knows what she may be thinking right now.

I can't bring myself to confess becuase I my brain is split between "she knows" and "She was so intent on finding a booster box that she completely missed them".
Sounds mad, but she can be pretty scatty.


I'd say come clean, don't wait 32 years after you're married to address it like I did! Communication & patience are the keys. :thinking:

This is the most troubling thought.
When we set a date to marry, I think I may just have to have 'the talk'.

Thanks guys.
-x-

[Shelly Preston]

Your decision seems to have been made

Be prepared and has been said dont lie

You may want to read te link in my signature on telling you partner

It will help as it contains lots of good information

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Hi Smile-

You're busted. Like many women your gf may not say anything right away but will wait and spring it on you when you least expect it and after you've convinced yourself that she really didn't notice the bras and panties and fake boobs in the toolbox.

As to preemptive disclosure, that's a tough one. If I were in your situation the smart and logical side (by far the smaller part of my brain) would be saying, "Well, it's time for the conversation." and just come clean. The silly, illogical, foolishly hopeful part of me would be going, "I'm sure she must have been struck temporarily blind for a few seconds. Yes, that's it. She never saw a thing." From past experience, I would say to sit down and tell her all about it. It will be a load off your chest (no pun), it will show respect for her and for yourself and for who you are as a TG person, and if you're in a serious longterm relationship, you're going to have to fess up sometime anyway. Better to do it on your own terms than be redfaced and stammering and trying to explain why you never said anything all those years and that no, you really have nothing else you've been hiding.

As Shelley pointed out, if your gf has questions, there are lots of resources here on CD.com and in the link she provided. Good luck, girl.

Hugs...Joni Mari

PS: A quick addition here. I suppose I should add, and I bet you've thought of this, too, things could go very badly. It's possible that your fiance may not be accepting at all and it could mean the end of your relationship entirely. Or she may accept it initially and then find it's all too much in the long run. Or, best case, she may have no issues with it at all and help you with your makeup and ask you things like, "You're not really going out wearing that are you?" All in all you have to be the judge of what to do and when, still, at least to me, better to pick the time and place yourself. My fingers are crossed for you both.

[KarenHiller]

Ive decided that if confronted about it, Im not going to lie.
Not about this.



I can't bring myself to confess becuase I my brain is split between "she knows" and "She was so intent on finding a booster box that she completely missed them".
Sounds mad, but she can be pretty scatty.



This is the most troubling thought.
When we set a date to marry, I think I may just have to have 'the talk'.

Thanks guys.
-x-


Take it from someone who was afraid to talk about it, I was divorced three times before I got up the courage to tell the woman who is now my wife about the real me. I admitted to her that I'd always felt more like a woman in a man's body. Her response was to hold me while we both had a cry. She's been totally accepting, and we even go out as two women friends.

Please, please be open and honest with her. If you really love her, you owe it to her and to yourself! Don't wait until she's upset and forces you to admit it. That's the worst time to do it. Pick a time when you're both relaxed.

Karen

[Sandra]

From a GG

Ok if she has seen them, she may well be thinking loads of stuff and wondering "what the heck" she may also be wondering if you are going to say anything to her.

On the other hand she might not have seen anything, but thats not a reason not to tell her.

IMO you should say something to her and don't leave it to long.

[Holly]

On one hand, you seem to think she actually discovered some of your things. One the other hand, you appear to be trying to convince yourself that she didn't. In reality, it it doesn't make one bit of difference if she did or not. What is going to happen is that YOU are going to stress over it and it's going to tear you up from the inside out... not at all healthy for a relationship. This is a person you love and, hopefully, trust. This is a person you should be able to be intimate with in ALL aspects... physically and emotionally. Hiding anything from one another is unhealthy and potentially toxic to a relationship. You, for certain, are going to stress over it. She may or may not, depending on what she actually saw. But when (when, not if) this all comes to light, it will be a contention, be it next week or twenty years from now. If you can't trust her with this knowledge about yourself, what else can't you trust her about? Keeping this from her is dishonest. It's no different than if you loved bowling and had to hide your ball and shoes from her and sneak out of the house twice a week to meet your friends at the bowling center and get a few lines in. Maybe she would hate that you are a bowler. Maybe she could care less one way or the other. Or maybe she would want to learn and participate with you. But by withholding the information from her, you are depriving her of the opportunity to choose. It all boils down to trust. If you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you had better be able to trust them fully.

[Sally2005]

Does she have a sense of humor? Just ask her next time she moves your stuff to put it back folded... eh, I don't think I would spill the beans other than to test the waters with her. You don't want to scare her away before she has a chance to digest the discovery and there are many reasons to have the small collection you do...gag, halloween, fetish, etc. etc. If it were me I would go in the tool box, pull the stuff out and tell her you forget they were there and proceed to to answer her questions honestly, but show her in a factual way without feeling guilty or same. Keep it light and fun.

[KimberlyJo]

Odds are good that if she's stewing about it then it won't be long before she boils over about it. Problem is, if she broaches the subject it may very well be more adversarial than if you bring it up first.

The thing is this, you're going to have to tell her eventually, or you will get caught. This is not something that can or should be hidden from someone you plan on spending the rest of your life with.

That's the way I see it anyways.
:2c:

[Rachel Morley]

Gosh, this is a tricky one for sure :thinking: Are you absolutely sure she saw your bra and balloon boobs? If you think so, I think you should somehow try to manufacture a conversation where boob, or more specifically, fake boobs, are part of the conversation to see if she responds or indicates through what she says (and/or her body language) that she really does know for sure. Then you have the opportunity to speak with her about it openly and honestly.

Personally, I wouldn't want to go first and be the person who starts talking about this without first having some sort of real indication in my mind that she really does in fact know, and also I'd want some sort of feeling as to the way she is likely to react before I spill the beans :2c:

The problem with all of this is that if she does know and is wondering and even worrying about it then you have to come clean so that she doesn't "put 2 +2 together and come up with 5" ... however I don't think she's "worrying" as you already said that the following morning she was all great with you, chatty, smiley, lovey... the normal so perhaps it's not big deal unless it is and she's also hiding her reaction from you. Like I said: "Gosh, this is a tricky one for sure".

[Brandi Wyne]

That's a tough way into "that" conversation but now is the time to "girl up" and not be tenative or apoligetic but get her to talk about it. The intro that strikes me is, "I'm sorry you had to find out this way but now that you've seen my things, I would like your feelings about it" and roll with it. She must have suspected to set that whole situation the way she did so it's just out there now.

Good luck and we all support you, Dear

[carolinoakland]

She knows that she found something, what it means; she doesn't know. And she's making a list in her head of how and what she will do when she does confront you with this...And do not lie, that ship sailed the second she found them. I had a SO find my bra once and she just thought it was leftovers from a previous girlfriend. So, look at the threads about coming out to you SO, CDSKYE just posted about her experience and is a good example of a positive outcome. Do some research, do the prep, get the box of Kleenex, and get ready to be honest.And DO NOT LIE! Carol

[Samantha_Smile]

Under advice of PernileD, Ive taken evasive, yet positive action.

I've written a 12 page letter to her.
An attempt to explain the last 15 years. The last 5 of which, with her.
12 pages not much? Yeah, I didnt think so either.
But Ive tried to make it as re-assuring as I can, Im feeling that's what she will need most when she reads it.

I'm putting the letter in between my boobs inside the storage chest. That way, if she goes back for another look, the answers are all there for her.
The way I see it... if she wants to know more, she will go back for another look.
And knowing my fiance, she'll be going back.

Big thanks to Pernile... I think this is a great idea. :thumbsup:

[CATgirldo]

You live in the UK...I lived in London for 5 years... walking on the wild side is not as big a deal as it is here in the States... In fact all of Europe is far more laid back. Does she even have a problem with it? Or is it just you?
I doubt you can get away with telling her it was for a Pantomime you once did but in any case, it is better that she knows before you get serious enough to have a commitment or even get married.
First thing (And only thing) for you to do is to tell her and ask her if that is a problem. If it is... it was always going to be a problem. Better to know now instead of 5 years down the road and then call it quits.
At least, that's what worked for me.

CAT

[Shelly67]

I think theres a possibility you may be juggling with live hand grenades here ..... perhaps you should step back , calm down and think on . Although a letter maybe written with all good intention , put yourself in her shoes .... If you ( as a relatively new couple living together - the next step is betrothal after all ) were looking for something and found such a document the reactions would confuse , but most of all hurt . This is a set trap . Questions of why has he behaved this way - doesn't he trust me ...what else will I find hidden away - do I have to ask permission before opening boxe's , cases , drawer's -WHY CAN'T HE TALK TO ME ? Think of all those questions ..... youre adding fuel in the form of mistrust to a fire that could possibly based on the horror and realization of " my partners a trannie "? You could be inviting no trust into the relationship. OR .... if it really goes belly up , you must at least realise you've given her a hard copy , undeniable truth in evidence that she ( may turn out as a women scorned ) could use against you . I'll bet after finding such things , she may be very questioning , worrying even .Its a stress niether of you need . Through the understanding and contemplation of the situation you now have to realise that now you are in no mans land . You need to show support , go ahead ask if theres something wrong for starters be honest . If you need to , do it in the home , in a peaceful situation . Only then can you guage the situation , giving you the option of really deciding to come out or not . I'd stake a few £s on it she's already alerted to something about you , wether she found clothes ect or not . Our partners are'nt daft , there are some who consider giving us privacey and even those who simply deny us even . Whats even more relevant is that over time we as crossdressers grow , it never ceases , and we HAVE to grow with it . You ain't goin to be able to hide it forever . It's so bloody scarey and hard coming clean , but if you add the slightest amount of untrust it will manifest . Just please , think on ....there are always other options . But before you consider anything else , take this on board . No matter what happens in our lives ,in a loving relationship , partnership we are there to support each other . So , at least if theres a time when honesty must emerge , and help and understanding is paramount do it face to face if you feel the need . You never know , it maybe the keystone to a very powerful , lasting and happy relationship . The one thing IF you come foward and it doesn't go well however that cannot be denied , is that you wished to gain your'e SO,s trust help and understanding .....honesty is our only excuse .
I sincerely hope my two pennies worth hasn't caused you any offence , in my mind a more considerate , delicate approach would certainly be better , you do after all have a history together , and theres a blooming good reason for that . Don't ruin it .
Good luck x

[Kara Connor]

This is your fiance, right? The woman you are thinking of spending the rest of your life with? Don't you think you owe it to her, and yourself, to be honest before you get married?

I presume you have read some of the posts on this forum. Lots of people have said that they regretted not telling their SO until after they were married. I understand that it is a hard subject to bring up, and that you have the best intentions with your letter, but saying that you will "fess up" if asked or the letter is found is NOT the same as telling her.

What if she waited until after you were married to tell you that she , for example, had no intention of having sex more than once a year? Presumably you would think that unreasonable and would wish you had known before you got married. She deserves to know this. If she still wants to be with you, fantastic. Think what that will mean, going in to the marriage with no secrets, not having to sneak around or be worried. If she does not accept it, then maybe you haven't found the right person.

You really must tell her, I think.

[Acadeca]

Ive decided that if confronted about it, Im not going to lie.
Not about this.



I can't bring myself to confess becuase I my brain is split between "she knows" and "She was so intent on finding a booster box that she completely missed them".
Sounds mad, but she can be pretty scatty.



This is the most troubling thought.
When we set a date to marry, I think I may just have to have 'the talk'.

Thanks guys.
-x-

The last line is the right idea. Why wait until you're confronted? If she likes it or accepts it, great! More time to be yourself.

And if she hates the dressing, why not give yourself--and her--a chance to find a partner who's more compatible.

[vetobob9]

You should be straight with her. She already knows.
The worst is how she found out. It would have been better to tell her up front. Now her reaction cannot be predicted.

[Samantha_Smile]

Its easy to say fess up when its not you who could potentially lose the only girl youve ever been able to imagine getting old with.
This is gutting me.
Why isnt there an easier way?

To who ever it was who asked if she has a problem with it...
About 3 years back we were both living in my mums house.
Just before we moved into our own place, I brought up the subject of perhaps having sex with me in lingerie.
I told her how much of a sexual kick I used to get as a boy when I wore my mums things (not telling her that it had matured into more that that over the years).
She said if she had known about the dressing thing before we became an item, she wouldn't have looked at me twice.
Not that she's anti CD/TV, but she wouldnt want her boyfriend to be one.
This is when I promised to stop.
Foolishly.
It went well for about 6 months, but then times were hard living away from home and I turned to that which calmed me down, made me less quick to anger and helped me embrace a more gentle me.
She never knew, and untill the incident that I started the thread with, she still didnt.

Now as far as how she will react goes, Im hoping the abundance of sex and cuddles this past week are a good sign, and not a distraction so that she can spring it on me later when I least suspect it.

I love this girl to bits.
I only hope she can understand that this has been part of me for 3 times longer than Ive known her, and it's just part of the same guy she's known and loved for 5 years.

That is, when I find the balls to do it :sad:

[Hope]

She MUST have seen them!!!
So now Im left wondering what's next.
Is she resolving?
Is she repressing?
Is she denying?

Could this prove to be my oportunity to come clean when asked?.

When asked?

It is YOUR responsibility to bring it up. NOT hers.

And it is your responsibility to do it sooner than later. The fact that the two of you are engaged, and living together, and she does not know implies that you have gone FAR too long without telling her.

You have to tell her about this PRONTO - if for no other reason, you want her getting info from YOU not from her girlfriends who will wrinkle up their noses and fill her head will all sorts of horror stories.

Man up and do it.

[Shelly67]

Sorry my friend , but you already know the answear to this - I apologise for my bruntness , but if it's one thing I'll always be it is honest ...... even if sometimes I eat my own words by mistake .
You have to face the invevitable here as you simply cannot let this go on and fester . We all have moments of no cuddles , lack of sex - thats one of the best things - making up after the dust has settled after problems and arguments in a loving partnership. At times pride and fear must be swallowed , BUT we have to try out of respect for our partner . In the event of things becoming the worst , at some point we also have to at least decide to try and be amicable and cease the stress ,worry , verbal assaults and pain - and move on - true is'nt it ? It's no good living in fear ...... makes you wonder if thats what she's going thru .

It reads as if your'e partner has withdrawn into her shell perhaps worrying herslf silly.After all , she may even be thinking if he hides this in secret , what else is he hiding - meeting men ? Put yourself in her position . There is only one course of action you can take here - support her , confront the situation , address the problem ( whatever that may be ) but be thoughtful , delicate , paitient and loving . If you really do mean to make a life together , be honest about you , what you want meeting her halfway .You have a history together, surely you want more .......? Sometimes it takes a real man to be a woman , and denial is not just a river in Eygpt . Take the initiative in the relationship - show you are concerned at least , as silence will only cause more worry and that simply is'nt fair - is it ?
Surely it's beter to know the situation , and try to reach a compramise between you ?
The problem here is lack of communication . from my short time on this forum and indeed as an out cd'er it seems as this is the most common problem we all share . You,ll be reading this time and time again ........won't we ?
I still think you need to calm down a little ...seek a brief chat with her ....don't arrange a meeting , just ask her gently if everythings ok , has she anything on her mind and does she want to talk ,but more than anything let her know it's ok for her to ASK questions ......
Because in truth , she'll need the warmth and strength of her man , no matter what the outcome of this worrying time .
Good luck

[Josie M]

I guess I'm echoing everything else here but, regardless of whether she found your stuff or not, if she's your fiancee and this is part of who you are, she needs to know.

It's hard to do, it was hard when I told my future (now current) wife. Truth is though, she will find out eventually and this may be your best opportunity to tell her and get it out in the open.


Good luck to you

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

I agree with pretty much everyone else in this thread. You have an obligation to tell her. If she did find them, not telling her is actually cruel because she's going to be thinking about it without you letting her know. Also she deserves to know before you marry.

[giuseppina]

HI Smile

You have an obligation to your fiancee to inform her about your crossdressing. It may be hard now, but the firestorm of finding out later will be far worse. I've seen plenty of GGs write about feeling they've been deceived and betrayed, and I have to agree with them. It isn't nice to feel like this.

If you come out to her now, even if she can't accept it, she will value your honesty. Keeping it from her is, frankly, selfish and dishonest.

Here is a link to a thread about this:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=90231

Good luck. :hugs:

[suchacutie]

IMHO...

You have the perfect opportunity to show strength, integrity, and commitment to truth in the relationship. Take charge, take control. Be gentle, explain the emotional aspect (leave the sexual stuff out, please, this is not about sex) of the need to, on occasion, be your feminine self. Talk about the effort you've made to stop it and trying to come to grips with it and you need to open all this up to her as the right thing to do, since secrets in a relationship is deadly.

Take the high ground. You say you'll tell her before you are married so NOW is the time...

Be in control, contrite for having not talked about it sooner, but acknowledge that this is who you are.

There is no better way...take charge!

my :2c:

tina

[Laura_Stephens]

Trust us elders who are married. Tell her before you walk down the aisle. You owe it to her.

[Kerigirl2009]

Go with your gut instinct, if you suspect something may be bothering her, ask her what is she thinking about. You should know if she knows by her reaction. If she asks you about them BE HONEST!!! You have to show her you intend on being honest from this point. Good luck!!!:)

[JulieC]

You love this girl, want to spend the rest of your life with her, but just can't bring yourself to tell her? Past experience indicates she won't be accepting of you as a CDer if you do tell her and you'll lose her?

Hoo boy.

Look, do you want to spend the rest of your life living a lie? Do you want to marry a woman who is going to hate this essential part of you? Do you want to spend decades attempting to repress CDing urges, only to secretly do things behind your wife's back, maintaining lie after lie after lie? Do you want her to discover just how deep this is on her own after you've had a couple of kids with her and THEN have her leave you?

You have an opportunity here to avoid all that misery. A life alone is better than the hell you'll put yourself in if you don't tell her.

And don't sell yourself short. She is NOT the only woman in the world whom you could love and could love you.

In mile high letters, with neon light up as powerful as the sun, TELL HER.

Have an open discussion with her, and start being truly honest with her. If you don't, you might as well shoot your marriage in the foot.

[xdbiker]

Well Hunny i dont have eles to add all the other girls have said .. With that said you have wrote your thoughts in a nice Note for her to find I would Man it Up hand it to her and sit close to her while she reads it than wait for her to start the Questions to You But HUNNY dont wait any Longer you are Hurting YOUR self and Her Just My thoughts Jerzie

[sherri52]

I think you should take the opportunity to tell her. Only two people have been in that box and you didn't move anything. Tell her before she questions you

[NoraTV]

If you suspect that she suspects, or even if she would seem to be totally unaware, you really owe it to this wonderful person to tell her now. It does not have to be a negative thing. It can actually enrich and deepen your relationship as the two of you explore areas that are completely unknown to most couples.

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

My two cents for what its worth to you and a little tough love...

As I see it, you have a major problem staring you in the face. Just about everyone here has said (and I agree) that you really should tell her all about yourself. You've already stated that she reacted badly to your suggestion of wearing lingerie during sex. You've also stated that you do not wish to tell her because you are afraid you will lose her.

Sorry, but that is a selfish way to look at the situation. You either lose her now, or lie some more, and lose her later when the stakes are even higher (both emotionally and financially) for both of you.

If you are that sure she will leave you then would it not be best to get it over with before the both of you have so much vested in your relationship?

This is a hard decision for you to be sure. Whatever you decide, I hope it does work out for you in a good way.

*hugs*

Zarabeth

[kimdl93]

You're enaged. She loves you. You have the obligation to tell her the truth. Who knows what she thinks now - if she's ok with it...great. If she's repressing or harbors suspicions, you can set the tone instead of letting her imagination do it for you!

If it goes badly, then imagine how much worse it might be for both of you if you'd waited till you were married.

[Samantha_Smile]

Okay, Im in agreement.
I need to tell her.
But tommorow is her birthday, were going out for her birthday at the weekend, the following week is her mum and dad's silver wedding aniversary party.
I know theres never a good time, but I hope you will all agree, this is a downright shitty time to tell her.
I dont want to potentially ruin the above for her.
It LOOKS like Im putting off, but Im not.
There is an element of avoidance, but also the fact that I cant destroy these times for her in the future, if she does leave me, I dont want her memories of her birthday and parents 25 years of marriage to be of me coming clean.
With tragic consequences.

:sad:

[SamanthaS]

I think reguardless of if she knows or not, you should come clean. I kept it from my gf for years before she came across a pic of me dressed. She had the usual questions: "Are you gay, do you want to become a woman?" Now she's somewhat ok with it all. I wish I'd told her sooner and wish you well :)

[lavistaa62]

I don't know what a good time would be. Lots of things in marriage- losing ones job, having affairs, overspending, dealing with slights, having a car accident or getting a ticket- minor and major events all require the courage and conviction to talk with and discuss the topic with the one you love. How one topic is handled is quite often how other topics are handled. I didn't tell my wife until after we were married- a mistake in retrospect but she has ended up being accepting. On the other hand I'm positive our relationship would be better (not that it's bad!) if I'd told her earlier on.

[JulieC]

Okay, Im in agreement.
I need to tell her.
But tommorow is her birthday, were going out for her birthday at the weekend, the following week is her mum and dad's silver wedding aniversary party.
I know theres never a good time, but I hope you will all agree, this is a downright shitty time to tell her.
I dont want to potentially ruin the above for her.
It LOOKS like Im putting off, but Im not.
There is an element of avoidance, but also the fact that I cant destroy these times for her in the future, if she does leave me, I dont want her memories of her birthday and parents 25 years of marriage to be of me coming clean.
With tragic consequences.

:sad:

And the week after that has Valentine's day in it.

Can't win for losing :) Make a pact with yourself; come completely clean with her by the end of February.

[Genifer Teal]

When you do tell her (you will and it better be soon :D) take a positive approach. Don't dwell (or even bring up) the negative side. Sometimes we get beat down about this so much we begin explaining it by apologizing. Yes there are a lot of people (and the media) who have a lot of bad ideas about all this. You need to dispel her fears and tell her how it really is.

Think of it like the stereotypical nerd asking the prom queen out on a date. "You wouldn't want to go out with me, would you?" Talk about leading the witness, you are practically begging her to say no. So don't be that guy when you start to talk about this. Be positive, tell it like it is and have no shame about it. It is just something you do and if she is willing, you'd like to share this side of you with her.

Sex is discussion that is best kept separate. If you relate this to sex in any way, that connection will always be there in her mind. If that is what this is to you, then it is up to you what to tell her. If not, then steer clear. Even then she may make the connection on her own, so be prepared to dispel those thoughts later. The media doesn't help much in this regard.

The stress of hiding this will wear you down over the years. You have more than enough examples here of why you need to tell her BEFORE marriage. No one wants to ruin a good thing. As tough as it might be, if the relationship were to fall apart now, is a lot easier than dealing with that after the wedding. Do what is right for both of you and may you both live happily ever after.

Best of luck!
Gen

[AmandaM]

Before I told my wife, pre-marriage, I decided that I wasn't going to hide it. I wanted it to be accepted by any wife of mine. I couldn't bear the thought of living a lie, being in a soap opera the rest of my life. If she hates it, better to find out now while you're not married and don't have kids.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi S. I. S.

The sooner the better the truth is in order now.

Orchid

[Danielle76]

Wow. Just reading about how she probably found you out....My heart was beating fast just reading it. I positively DREAD the sound of a closet door opening for fear that my wife is opening the closet door with my stash in it. I absolutely hope that day never comes for me.

[Loni]

start with leaving a couple books about for her to read...then talk to her.

two books to start with

my husband wears my clothes, peggy rudd.

cross dressing with dignity also by peggy rudd.

there are others but both of these are quick reads.

talk and pay attention to what she says, the rest of your life starts there.:hugs:

.

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

start with leaving a couple books about for her to read...then talk to her.

two books to start with

my husband wears my clothes, peggy rudd.

cross dressing with dignity also by peggy rudd.

there are others but both of these are quick reads.

talk and pay attention to what she says, the rest of your life starts there.:hugs:

.

Have you actually tried this? Cause to me it seems like a really passive and cop-out way to deal with it. It's still basically putting the hard work in her hands because now she has to think on her own about what you're doing leaving this books out and telling her to read them, rather than just sitting down and talking to her.

Those books could be nice to give her after the initial talk but not before.

[kimdl93]

There's a clear consensus - ya gotta do the right thing. Honestly, I don't think that it would matter much if you told her before her Birthday, or parents anniversary or Valentines. Believe me - her relationship with you as her fiance - is the most important thing in her life. those other things are dates on a calendar.

I know that each of us who is "out" to our SO probably approached it in our own way, but at some point, we finally blurted it out. (unless of course we were caught or outed, which is certainly worse than being forthright.)

I can't claim to have the right answer, but many of the comments above offered great suggestions. I like, for example, making as positive a statement about yourself...not all a bunch of apologies and self loathing. I'd want to make sure that first she understands that you feel its important, critical to the success of your lives together, to be truthful with each other. And in that spirit, you have something you feel you must say.

Maybe if you can pick up on some of the ideas above to convey the sense that cross dressing is something you like about yourself, need to be honest about and would willingly share if possible. And acknowledge that many people find it difficult to accept cross dressing. Its understandable and certainly every person's right.

Anyway don't delay much longer, and try to be positive, supportive and understanding.

[2b.Lauren]

This is your fiance, right? The woman you are thinking of spending the rest of your life with? Don't you think you owe it to her, and yourself, to be honest before you get married?


ts easy to say fess up when its not you who could potentially lose the only girl youve ever been able to imagine getting old with.
This is gutting me.
Why isnt there an easier way?

To who ever it was who asked if she has a problem with it...
About 3 years back we were both living in my mums house.
Just before we moved into our own place, I brought up the subject of perhaps having sex with me in lingerie.
I told her how much of a sexual kick I used to get as a boy when I wore my mums things (not telling her that it had matured into more that that over the years).
She said if she had known about the dressing thing before we became an item, she wouldn't have looked at me twice.
Not that she's anti CD/TV, but she wouldnt want her boyfriend to be one.
This is when I promised to stop.
Foolishly.
It went well for about 6 months, but then times were hard living away from home and I turned to that which calmed me down, made me less quick to anger and helped me embrace a more gentle me.
She never knew, and untill the incident that I started the thread with, she still didnt.

The question although understanding all of the complexities is pretty simple do you want to enter into Happily Ever After, upon a foundation filled with lies. If she is the one, then taking the risk now shows how much you really do love her, verses her finding out about this later and then having to wonder what she has based her life and love on. We as CD's get into so much trouble as the lie and the hiding continues to get bigger and richer, and then more out of control. It starts to spin and take on a life all of it's own. Loosing her would be horrible and I can understand that, but living a lie with her and then ultimately loosing her is even worse. Our spouses or significant others did not ask for this or sign up for this, as has been voiced by those that I consider the sages on this forum. I think we owe it to them to be honest and upfront in the beginning prior to trying to be married and still trying to keep all that pretty stuff in the closet. My wife knew about my dressing up front, she never wanted to be included in it, but was aware. It was funny I really thought she had forgot or selective memory took over, but she remembered. I reminded her about a year ago that I had been dressing again, she said I knew that, I know you have that little bag in your car, it is okay. Just please follow my rules. The point is she deserves to know about this. She deserves the power and a say on if this is a deal breaker or not. Then she can decide and if she can get past it then she will be your wife, but if she can't you have to be prepared to let her go. I think we have read about the many relationships that have gone down in flames and some recent post as a matter of fact, based on this very topic. I wish you all the best, don't hinge all of your decisions on did she or did she not see the stuff. That is not the real issue. You crossdress, and that is not going to change, and if she did not discover it a few days ago, chances are she will one day, and then here goes the next painful message regarding her finding out.

[Samantha_Smile]

Well, Emma found out.
And Im sad and dissapointed with myself that it wasn't from me but my internet history.:doh:

This all went down after I came home from work at 10pm (and was due in work this morning at 7.30am)
I walk in she is silent. I asked her if she is okay, as I would do normally, she says
"Did you know this laptop had an internet history?"

****

"No, I didn't. I'll go get out of these work clothes..."
as Im walking away, she says loudly,
"...And into some of mine???"

The initial bomb drop was the worst, she was in tears.
She was physically sick. And I sat there helpless feeling like I was falling from a plane.
I couldnt move, I felt like I was going to be sick.
Just as I thought about going to try to comfort her, she starts screaming at me to
"Get the **** out. I don't care where you go, just go"

I told her I wasn't walking away from her and I stayed.
Eventually, she calmed down.
The next four hours were questions Ive seen on here many times before.
"Do you want to be a woman?"
No, I like my ****.
"Have you been wearing my clothes?"
Stupidly I told her, No. This was a lie.
I was already kicking myself for the lie, I knew I'd be caught out later.
"It's either this or me...."

My heart sank.
t's been well documented that I love her beyond my vocabulary, but having tried to stop before... and failing, I was 99% sure I couldn't.
I told her this, in other words I think, andd more tears followed.
For both of us. I started shaking at one point.
I don't know if anyone has ever had the wind punched out of them, but it felt pretty much like that.
I pleaded with her for compromise, to no avail.
She said she couldn't see her man in me anymore.
Her engagement ring came off.
I broke inside.
She started talking about us sleeping in separate rooms untill I could find somewhere else. I'd never felt that alone in my life.
I tried my best to explain reasons why I do it, and how long Ive been struggling to accept myself, let alone come close to having someone else accept me.
I tried to apologise for not having told her sooner, but she didn't buy it, didn't blame her.
I knew I'd wrecked the trust. I'm still hoping it's not totally gone.
Much more happened, its all a bit hazy to be honest...
She went to bed around 2am, I sat on the couch feeling lost.
10 mins later she came back asking me to come to bed...
She needed to be held. And hold her I did, held on for dear life.
I think I eventually got to sleep at about 3am (and had to be up at 6- Didn't think I'd ever sleep)

Last night was probably the worst night of my life.
With no exception.

Today, got into work feeling like crap, feeling like I was gonna be sick. Got my break at about 10.30 and I text her.
I got a reply about an hour later, that just said
"Please come home"
I read this in work and my mind left the game. The department sister told me to go fone her, and find out what's happening.
I must have tried 10 times, but it kept going to voice mail, then I was REALLY worried, left her a message to fone me at work if need-be.

I got home at around 4pm.
"Why didn't you just tell me you'd worn my clothes?"
Why the feck did I lie?
Well, to tell you the truth, the state of mind she was in when she asked me the night before, I genuinely feared for my head. I thought she was gonna start throwing glasses at me.
Weak. I know. Stupid. Deffo.
Then she tells me that she had seen pictures of me.
I REALLY didn't want her to see that. Not like this.
Not after finding all this out from a computer. A faceless, emotionless blank of a machine.

But then, as if from no-where, she followed up with...
"...some were quite good"

Has she murdered me? Is this real?
She tells me that she's been on some help-line, something to do with something called Beaumont Society.
She said they were very helpfull. (she was talking to them whilst I was trying to call her from work earlier).

She later went onto the chat that's linked to the top of the forum using my login.
Someone called AmyUK (who is a moderator on the chat) had shown her some true compassion, and actually offered her phone number. They apparently talked for an hour and a half. He re-assuredd her that it didn't mean the end of me as a man. He even managed to get her smiling again.
AmyUK, if you are on here, I can't thank you enough for what you have done for my relationship with Emma. You may have just saved us.

We talked for a good 3 hours.
She was much more calm, and even seeming accepting.
She even started asking what clothes I liked.
She made it clear that I was NEVER to wear her stuff.
In fairness, wearing her stuff was properly wrong. I don't think I'll go there again...ever.
She even suggested a wig, and shoes! Complaining about how much size 11 heels cost LMAO! ("I can get two pairs for that!!!")
I started to open up more, and the conversation flowed.
Calmly. More importantly, lovingly.
I started to feel some hope that we had a chance here.

"You need your own stuff... Come on, we need cat food anyway"

And so off we went to Tesco!
I have never been so glad to be dragged around the womens clothes section.
She picked out a really nice blue satin dress on sale for £6!!!
A waist shaper/bra/body thing, and some stockings.
Then even some girly body spray and false nails!

This could well be the happiest Ive ever been.
Ever.
When we got home, she started going through her jewelery and make-up, giving me what she didn't use anymore!
Even some false eyelashes!

Turns out she didn't know about what I'd kept hidden at the start of the post.
But hey, it's turned out better than I could EVER have expected.
It's not how I wanted it. I wanted to tell her, and after she's read my posts on here, she believes this now.
She says she understands some of it. But theres a lot she doesnt get either.
So she's joining up. Well that's what she tells me.
I'm hoping this is the start of something great.
Baby steps.

Phew! New fingers please?!

I love you Em.

[kimdl93]

talk about a rollercoast ride! well, I hpe this truly marks the beginning of a positive, open relationship. It sounds good. As many have pointed out, the emotions etc come in cycles.

I can't think of how many people said "I told you so" about withholding and hiding. For newbies, all I can say is listen to the voice of experience. Don't hide the truth, don't wear her clothes (unless she invites you to do so) and for god sakes clear your browser history until you've come out!!!

[stresskimo]

Hi All

would just like to introduce myself, im smiles fiance, Emma

if anyone has any questions about my reaction please feel free to ask anything, im also looking for any guidance from experienced cross dressers and their partners.

Also just a massive thankyou to AmyUK (chat site moderator) , your an angel


xxx

[JiffyJ]

Hi smileinsecret and stresskimo. I've been reading the thread, and I feel drained.
It's like stepping back a couple of years to when I came out to my wife. So similar. I'm so pleased it looks like you will work this out together.
Good on you both.

[KristinSkye]

Welcome to the community stresskimo, as my wife is quickly finding out there is a bounty of wonderful people to talk to here for advice and information.

I just want to say congratulations to the both of you for so quickly overcoming such a huge obstacle in your relationship. That speaks a lot about how strong the love between you two truly is.

Anyway I'm sure that smiles wanted to tell your more than you probably know, but hopefully you understand why it was so difficult for him. But now that you've both taken the first step the fun can start :)

Two pieces of advice that I got from members here when I came out to my wife earlier this month that I feel have been very important to our relationship are:

First, explore the new side of him and your relationship at your pace Kimo and secondly keep a dialog open. Talk about his CDing occasionally, don't let it just get swept under the rug otherwise it may become a "secret" again.




Anyway good luck to you both :thumbsup:

[Sarah_GG]

This is your fiance, right? The woman you are thinking of spending the rest of your life with? Don't you think you owe it to her, and yourself, to be honest before you get married?

I presume you have read some of the posts on this forum. Lots of people have said that they regretted not telling their SO until after they were married. I understand that it is a hard subject to bring up, and that you have the best intentions with your letter, but saying that you will "fess up" if asked or the letter is found is NOT the same as telling her.

What if she waited until after you were married to tell you that she , for example, had no intention of having sex more than once a year? Presumably you would think that unreasonable and would wish you had known before you got married. She deserves to know this. If she still wants to be with you, fantastic. Think what that will mean, going in to the marriage with no secrets, not having to sneak around or be worried. If she does not accept it, then maybe you haven't found the right person.

You really must tell her, I think.

Couldn't have put it better myself. :D

[AliceJaneInNewcastle]

would just like to introduce myself, im smiles fiance, Emma

if anyone has any questions about my reaction please feel free to ask anything, im also looking for any guidance from experienced cross dressers and their partners.
Welcome, Emma.

I've been married for over 10 years, having told my wife about my crossdressing within the first couple of months of meeting and long before we became engaged. Opening up to her, not knowing how she would react is one of the hardest things I've ever done. It's terrifying thinking that you've found someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with, but if you open up to them, you might lose them.

The fact that you're here is a very positive sign for your relationship.

Probably the most important thing that you're going to need to discuss now is setting boundaries that you can both agree to. Remember, though, that these will change as your circumstances change and you'll always have to be prepared to discuss changes. Boundaries might include in bed, around the house, going out, being out to relatives, etc.

[giuseppina]

Hi All

would just like to introduce myself, im smiles fiance, Emma

if anyone has any questions about my reaction please feel free to ask anything, im also looking for any guidance from experienced cross dressers and their partners.

Also just a massive thankyou to AmyUK (chat site moderator) , your an angel


xxx

Hello Emma,

Welcome to the forums. I wish it was under better terms.

A lot of members (including me) told your fiance he had a duty to you to come clean. Personally, I would not have chosen the path he took, but it's done and it can't be changed now. He made it a lot harder on you than necessary, and he's very lucky you chose to stay.

It's my choice to inform any girlfriend I may have sooner rather than later, and long before popping the question if I do the asking. The same goes for her if she has any ideosyncrasies. The only thing that's non-negotiable for me is they be at worst harmless. Drug and alcohol addictions, for example, are non-starters.

There is a genuine ladies (female at birth) section for you once you have 10 posts to your credit. I'm sure they will welcome you with open arms. They have had some issues with crossdressers obtaining access, so you'll have to jump through a few hoops to get in.

Dressing in the spouse's things is very much frowned upon here. He should have at least got his own stuff. Most of us see it as an invasion of the spouse's privacy.

There is a lot of material in the Loved Ones section for you to read. Here are two threads you and may find helpful:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=90231

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12890

There are reasons CDs don't tell their spouses. The biggest single one is they are absolutely terrified of their reaction. In some cases, the relationship failed and the female half went on a vindictive rampage. Keeping children from their father is not uncommon. I won't name names, but their stories are on this and other similar forums.

The typical crossdresser is very much like a male who does not crossdress. Wanting prosthetics or other padding to give us the appearance of a more feminine form is very common. Most of us don't want permanent changes to our bodies apart from ear piercing. Temporary body hair removal is also common. Less common is permanent body hair removal.

From time to time you may hear of a crossdresser committing various crimes. These comedians contribute to negative stereotyping and do not represent the majority. They are criminals who happen to crossdress. The media seems to like sensationalising the crossdressing because it sells.

For my part, crossdressing is primarily escapism. I'm the first to admit it isn't realistic, but it works for me. I have no interest in going out in public beyond a very private backyard, but there are plenty that do. I also have no interest in hormones or surgery beyond ear piercing. I would like a pair of breast forms suited to my body and some hip padding. The drag queen look does not interest me. I prefer to appear as a dignified lady.



You do not have to accept this. It is entirely your choice. Frankly, it's better you found out now rather than five, ten, or more years down the road.

It's my impression, correct or otherwise, that the two of you have some trust issues to work out and probably some others as well. If necessary, put the wedding off until both of you are satisfied these issues have been addressed.

If you're afraid he will want to become a woman, you have the right to insist on a referral to a licensed, nonjudgemental gender counsellor or a psychiatrist, but stay away from anyone advocating reparative therapy. It is essentially repression, does more harm than good, doesn't work, and is just as unhealthy if not more so in the long run as a judgemental counsellor. Gender issues are more nature than nurture, but sometimes nurture exerts a powerful influence.

It's important to realise a counsellor can only provide an educated guess, not a guarantee.

If you decide to accept his crossdressing, it's a good idea to negotiate boundaries about what you're comfortable with and insist they be respected. Please recognise the crossdressing is part of him and won't go away, and an attempt to shut him down will only cause resentment. An external real-life support group has value, both for you and your fiance. Some may ask that he dress from time to time as evidence of crossdressing. Crossdresser clubs often have resources available for both crossdresser and loved ones.

If you cannot accept his crossdressing, it is probably best for the two of you to part and find other soulmates.

Good luck. :hugs:

[Samantha_Smile]

Hello Emma,

Welcome to the forums. I wish it was under better terms.

A lot of members (including me) told your fiance he had a duty to you to come clean. Personally, I would not have chosen the path he took, but it's done and it can't be changed now. He made it a lot harder on you than necessary, and he's very lucky you chose to stay.

It's my choice to inform any girlfriend I may have sooner rather than later, and long before popping the question if I do the asking. The same goes for her if she has any ideosyncrasies. The only thing that's non-negotiable for me is they be at worst harmless. Drug and alcohol addictions, for example, are non-starters.

There is a genuine ladies (female at birth) section for you once you have 10 posts to your credit. I'm sure they will welcome you with open arms. They have had some issues with crossdressers obtaining access, so you'll have to jump through a few hoops to get in.

Dressing in the spouse's things is very much frowned upon here. He should have at least got his own stuff. Most of us see it as an invasion of the spouse's privacy.

There is a lot of material in the Loved Ones section for you to read. Here are two threads you and may find helpful:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=90231

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12890

There are reasons CDs don't tell their spouses. The biggest single one is they are absolutely terrified of their reaction. In some cases, the relationship failed and the female half went on a vindictive rampage. Keeping children from their father is not uncommon. I won't name names, but their stories are on this and other similar forums.

The typical crossdresser is very much like a male who does not crossdress. Wanting prosthetics or other padding to give us the appearance of a more feminine form is very common. Most of us don't want permanent changes to our bodies apart from ear piercing. Temporary body hair removal is also common. Less common is permanent body hair removal.

From time to time you may hear of a crossdresser committing various crimes. These comedians contribute to negative stereotyping and do not represent the majority. They are criminals who happen to crossdress. The media seems to like sensationalising the crossdressing because it sells.

For my part, crossdressing is primarily escapism. I'm the first to admit it isn't realistic, but it works for me. I have no interest in going out in public beyond a very private backyard, but there are plenty that do. I also have no interest in hormones or surgery beyond ear piercing. I would like a pair of breast forms suited to my body and some hip padding. The drag queen look does not interest me. I prefer to appear as a dignified lady.



You do not have to accept this. It is entirely your choice. Frankly, it's better you found out now rather than five, ten, or more years down the road.

It's my impression, correct or otherwise, that the two of you have some trust issues to work out and probably some others as well. If necessary, put the wedding off until both of you are satisfied these issues have been addressed.

If you're afraid he will want to become a woman, you have the right to insist on a referral to a licensed, nonjudgemental gender counsellor or a psychiatrist, but stay away from anyone advocating reparative therapy. It is essentially repression, does more harm than good, doesn't work, and is just as unhealthy if not more so in the long run as a judgemental counsellor. Gender issues are more nature than nurture, but sometimes nurture exerts a powerful influence.

It's important to realise a counsellor can only provide an educated guess, not a guarantee.

If you decide to accept his crossdressing, it's a good idea to negotiate boundaries about what you're comfortable with and insist they be respected. Please recognise the crossdressing is part of him and won't go away, and an attempt to shut him down will only cause resentment. An external real-life support group has value, both for you and your fiance. Some may ask that he dress from time to time as evidence of crossdressing. Crossdresser clubs often have resources available for both crossdresser and loved ones.

If you cannot accept his crossdressing, it is probably best for the two of you to part and find other soulmates.

Good luck. :hugs:

Welcoming her would have sufficed.
Hope all Canadians arent as crass and heartless as yourself.

Thanks to the rest of you for the help and support in this thread (and all the others lol).

Hiya Stresskimo!
xxx

[kimdl93]

Hi All

would just like to introduce myself, im smiles fiance, Emma

if anyone has any questions about my reaction please feel free to ask anything, im also looking for any guidance from experienced cross dressers and their partners.

Also just a massive thankyou to AmyUK (chat site moderator) , your an angel


xxx

Emma, I'm so glad you took the initiative to come here and visit with us. What a resource - both CDs and their SO's sharing from the heart. I admire and applaud your open mindedness and willingness to support Smileinsecret .

What I'd like to add to all that has been said before is - please have fun with each other. The happiest people you'll find on this site are couples that have found the joy in sharing the cross dressing experience.

So many of us have been hidden by a wall of secrecy and shame that we may forget this. Yes, some wives/gf's may not be able to embrace this part of us, but for those that do, there is so much to enjoy and experience together.

[JulieC]

Hi All

would just like to introduce myself, im smiles fiance, Emma

if anyone has any questions about my reaction please feel free to ask anything, im also looking for any guidance from experienced cross dressers and their partners.

Also just a massive thankyou to AmyUK (chat site moderator) , your an angel


xxx

WELCOME Emma! I can't tell you how overjoyed I am that you are here! So many times we've read these "discovery" stories on here, shortly followed up with a "now we're divorced/broken-up" story. Major, major, major kudos to you for being able to weather the initial storm, stand tall, and try to understand.

A long while back, I remember reading something about a crossdreser spouse's bill of rights. One of the things on there was something like "I have a right to my clothes being worn only with permission". One of the biggest, biggest mistakes some CDers make is wearing the clothing of their spouse without permission. Smileinsecret, you learned this one the hard way. Oddly enough, it tends not to be a two way street. Many crossdressers report their wives frequently raiding their clothes for something they need, and doing so without permission. My wife has done this to me a few times in fact :) Still, I only wear things of hers with her permission.


More importantly, the two of you have to come to a new understanding; no more lies about this. No more obfuscation. No more secrets. No more hidden thoughts. No more "I don't want to talk about it"s or anything like that. Emma, your husband to be, as he has noted, is not going to be successful in stopping crossdressing. He has a right to be who he is. That right doesn't mean you have to sacrifice what you are to be with him. You can come to agreements on how, when, and where he can express his female aspects without destroying your sense of him, or your sense of your (continually growing) relationship.

Emma, it may be hard but you need to find it in your heart to forgive him the secrecy, forgive him the lies. It is very, very hard for a man to come to grips with himself as something other than society's view of the 'perfect' man. Society places a very, very heavy burden on the shoulders of CDers, and secrecy, repression, lurking beneath the view of society is the norm. That doesn't forgive the lies and deceit. But, hopefully it adds understanding as to why. It is a horrible, terrible secret that CDers endure and suffer under. Few of us get it right the first time. If society were more accepting of the concept of a man wearing femme clothes, there would be no need for secrecy.

Both of you need to be conscious of the "pink fog". What it is; the overwhelming relief and outpouring of self that comes immediately following a spouse/girlfriend finally knowing the truth. It is very easy for a crossdressing man to fall prey to this. Shopping sprees ensue, the man spends tons of time crossdressed, talks to no end in ways that unintentionally are selfish about his newly released self, and the brooding spouse/girlfriend gets overwhelmed by it all. It is almost always a recipe for disaster. Take things step by step, slowly. Communicate. Don't talk at each other. One of the biggest most important things a CDer can do in this time is to really, truly, fully, completely LISTEN to what their loved one is saying.

Both of you need to remember that he's had his whole life to try to come to grips with this. You, Emma, have had but a few days. It's going to take a long time for you to catch up. It isn't fair to expect you to go from zero to 1000000km/hr on this overnight.

Emma, understand that the person you fell in love with is still the person in front of you. He hasn't changed. Your understanding of him on a conscious level has changed, but the person you fell in love with is still the person he is. Whether you knew it or not, the femme aspects of him are part of the reason you fell in love with him. He is still your man. He is still your love. Him wanting to wear a dress from time to time doesn't change that anymore than him wearing a pair of work boots vs. loafers.

We're all here, ready and willing to answer your questions. Your questions will evolve over time. Nothing you can ask will shock us, and the only stupid question is the one unasked.

[stresskimo]

thanks so much for that i know this is going to be hard at the moment its in my thoughts 24/7 i cant seem to switch it off, were talking alot, im most comfortable right now with offering advise, things like fashion tips and make up as this is a major passion of mine, i feel like im helping him, he enjoys learning about it and im staying involved but its the part of it im most confortable with.

We ve set boundaries which i know also are probably going to change with time. So for now im pleased with the progress. I just wish i could turn off so i can watch eastenders! lol

[az_azeel]

I just wish i could turn off so i can watch eastenders! lol


easy you can watch it on bbc iplayer anytime.. :heehee: seriously having read your warts n all thread and this one .. i congratulate you in gaining understanding and have set boundries ... :hugs: to you both.. by the way im also in the north west.. ;) should you both need someone to chat to..

[carolyn todd]

hello smileinsecret
who's a luck girl then, now don't go and spoil it, but take it slowly
small steps and:hugs: flowers:love: spoil your SO.

good luck
carolyn xx

P.S. have you set a date for the wedding.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Welcome Emma to our family ! Jeannie and I wish you both the very best, You both have managed to find out early in your relationship, that two people can trust one another and that there does not have to be ANY secrets between you. Take this throughout the rest of your relationship, remember to respect one another's boundries (and not make too many boundries) . Encourage one another as well as build up one another.

A special note to Smilesinsecret. You have found someone who has kept you from going down a path that could have kept you hiding in guilt and shame for many years. By opening up to Emma, you have given her your trust. Respect Emma in all things, cherish the fact that she has had to reevaluate huge things in her life and that YOU have still come out number one in her life. Remember that under the clothes and makeup you are the MAN Emma want's and needs.

A special note to Emma. If Smilesinsecret ever gets out of line, just take her Makeup away for a week !


Best wishes

Kelly

[Shelly67]

I can only echo everyones warm regards and best wishe's .
However -
EastEnders ??
OMG - stick to Hollyoaks girl - tis a better quality of drivel - lol
xxx

[Angie G]

Tell her you dress in them. And talk it out with her, It may be a good thing.:hugs:
Angie

[lucyx]

hope all is still going well for u both its hard to find out like that but now at least she knows good luck

[Danielle76]

Wow. I don't think I've ever been so enraptured in a post like yours. Seriously, I felt that dread as she asked if you knew that your laptop had an internet history...

Amazing story!

[siantv2003]

Hi Emma,

Welcome to the forums. Although you probably both have some way to go in better understanding this, you story is very inspiring. Thank you for having the courage to share

giuseppina - a little gobsmacked

:-( Wow - only thing you didnt do was pour ice cold water on this. you make everything we talk about here sound like a crime was committed

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

well young lady ,id say shes knows for sure,she in shock ,proberly thinking what to do ,maybe looking on the internet to get some info , possibly thinks your gay.time to be honest i think .good luck

If you're going to go respond to old posts, you should probably read the whole thread before posting.

[2b.Lauren]

It is so nice to see one of these stories work out. I am so happy for the two of you, and sincerely hope that as you both work through this that it will only bring you closer. The closet is a safe place, when you are the only one affected by being in there. When there is a relationship it becomes about more than just us as the crossdresser alone. We don't live and do things in a vacuum and so we must always be thinking about our actions and how they can affect the ones we love/those that love us. I am so happy to see she has joined the forum here, and is working things out. Good luck to you both!

[Samantha_Smile]

If you're going to go respond to old posts, you should probably read the whole thread before posting.


Haha!
I was going to post the EXACT thing when I got to the bottom of the page.
Old post dredge FTW :D

Thank you to everyone who has offered kind and supportive words. Things are still great between me and Emma, I can't see things going wrong for some time.
Emma has even invited Amy UK to stay over for a night in a bid to thank her in person for saving us... and so we can all get dressed up and get drunk! LOL

Love to you all
-x-

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

My advice is to not confess anything until you are ready. You must realize that there is a good chance that it could cause damage to your relationship.
The mopst important thing to rememeber is that
people will accept explanations as long as they sound logical. If she says anything about what she found all you have to say is something like "Ohh the stuff from Halloween 10 years ago!" "I almost completely forgot about it"
If you get all nervous when it is mentioned then the cat is out of the bag.

Ok, it's bad enough that you're playing thread necromancer here, but that's really your advice? Yes, it might cause damage to a relationship to come out, but it will absolutely cause more damage in the long run to actively lie about something to cover it up. The passive dishonest that comes from simply withholding the truth can be bad enough when one finally comes out or is discovered, but actual lies and deception are a recipe for future calamity. It's sort of like not getting your oil changed because it'll cost money to do it, and just waiting for the motor to blow up instead.



So if this were Vegas I would say you have a 30% of a disaster--50% of a difficlut but toleratable situation-- and 20% of full acceptance..

I'll bet you 100 to 1 odds that the outcome is 100% likely to be, she finds out via his computer history, is upset at first, but over the course of a week or so, she comes on this forum and posts in this very thread, and as a couple they work through their issues. I'd like to also bet that Avatar wins the Best Picture Drama prize at the Golden Globes, and that USA will beat Canada in hockey at the 2010 Winter Olympics. Are we on?

[wehtam]

Turns out she didn't know about what I'd kept hidden at the start of the post.
But hey, it's turned out better than I could EVER have expected.
It's not how I wanted it. I wanted to tell her, and after she's read my posts on here, she believes this now.
She says she understands some of it. But theres a lot she doesnt get either.
So she's joining up. Well that's what she tells me.
I'm hoping this is the start of something great.
Baby steps.

Phew! New fingers please?!

I love you Em.

Smile I'm so glad everything worked out for you, but she really didn't notice your stuff in the toolbox? How could she have missed them? you said when you looked they where right on top

[jenifer m.]

:)i had a similer problem years ago,but after a lot of thought i finally came out to my wife,and just said honey look i gotta tell you i like to wear womans clothes.im a crossdresser.and im still the same man you married its just that i like some of the same things you do.long story short she was taken aback the first week when i showed her my stash of fem clothes but she said its really no big deal.i was relieved and wish id done it sooner.its so liberating to be out with your loved one.i say you just man up (excuse the expression)and just tell her,if she does not except it there are others who will. good luck.

[Samantha_Smile]

I'll bet you 100 to 1 odds that the outcome is 100% likely to be, she finds out via his computer history, is upset at first, but over the course of a week or so, she comes on this forum and posts in this very thread, and as a couple they work through their issues. I'd like to also bet that Avatar wins the Best Picture Drama prize at the Golden Globes, and that USA will beat Canada in hockey at the 2010 Winter Olympics. Are we on?

:lol2:
If I havent already, you're getting a friend request.

Moral of the story people...
Read the thread before you post!