strange dreams

[moses]

So first a short (OK, probably a long-winded) introduction. I am a GG who never identified as FTM CD, trans, gender-queer or anything else. Yeah, I was a tomboy growing up. My mother needed a crowbar to get me into a dress. But that was just me. Three years ago I met my SO through eHarmony. After dating for about 10 months, I found out that he was a MTF CD. I wanted to be supportive, so we did some girls nights out:

(from May 2008)
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1305795#post1305795

After that, we both started taking some gender identity quizzes online. Christin (my CD's femme name) always comes out on the 70-80% feminine side. I, on the other hand, come out on the 50-60% masculine side. In other words, I'm literally sitting on the fence of gender neutral. I really think I could live either way. Anyway, we soon started going out as Moses and Christin:

(June 2008)
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=84489

(September 2008)
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=90444

(October 2008)
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=93032

(May 2009)
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=108357

(June 2009)
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=109544

(December 2009)
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=123116

We also still do girls nights out, depending on my mood. Just for a little more background, I am in the military (and have been for almost 15 years). I also have a 13-year-old son. I am a single mom (dad?). If you have any questions about my background that might help you give advice, PLEASE ask. I'm not good at keeping secrets!

Soooo...get to the point, right?

All of the things that have been happening with Christin over the past couple of years have brought back a lot of memories from childhood. I recall, for example, that at the age of about four or five I was REALLY CONFIDENT that Santa Claus was going to bring me a penis for Christmas. I could even picture the box it would be in (like all the other Fisher Price toys). Weird, huh? I bet Freud would have a field day with me. I always played with the boys, too. We would build forts and dams and army, ride bikes, conjecture on how to blow things up, etc. I never owned dolls, unless you count GI Joe and his cohorts. But that just made me a tomboy. At least that's what I thought. In light of everything I know about Christin's life growing up (since being a tomgirl in Texas in the early 70's just wasn't an option) and her sense that something just wasn't right, maybe it was more than that.

Anyway, moving on to my dream.

Thursday night I had a dream that I was in some kind of self help/dance class. We were all standing in front of mirrors doing some kind of combined self-actualization/dance move. Apparently I was doing it wrong and was being dressed down by the instructor. The dream flashed forward and everyone was sitting at tables. I was really upset. The instructor was shouting at me about the chicken and egg situation:

WAS EVERYONE TREATING ME LIKE A WOMAN BECAUSE I WAS ACTING LIKE ONE (on the verge of tears because I was being yelled at), OR WAS I ACTING LIKE A WOMAN BECAUSE EVERYONE WAS TREATING ME LIKE ONE?

At that moment I woke up with such rage I could barely hold it in. I wanted to hit things and throw things and shout at people. I get so upset at being called ma'am when I am wearing a suit and tie or even a tuxedo. I can understand the confusion of a t-shirt and jeans, but a tux? Come on.

Up until that moment I had always told myself that my anger over the ma'ams was just my fear that I was going to blow Christin's cover by failing to pass, but clearly I have my own issues.

Over to you, peanut gallery...

[mistunderstood]

Hi Moses welcome to the zoo.You will find a lot of cool people here.
For me it was not Santa who was going to give me the penis it was god. I knew I was different from other little girls because I was a little boy. I just did not have what they had yet.
Any ways ummm for me I started early with the tomboy thing I was 5. I did not fully dress till I was 19 years old. I came to the point I could not wear womens clothes with out feeling like I was dressed for the circus. For me it was first clothes than my mind started to follow. I did not know women could cross dress or be FTM. I found out when I was about 34 that I was FTM.
I hate to say this but a good counselor can help you sort this out. That what I had to do.

[Ze]

Yay identity crises! The good news is you're realizing something; the bad news is it sucks to realize it. But as weird as it sounds, congratulations. :hugs: I echo the next step being a good gender therapist. The sessions certainly helped me figure some stuff out when I was freaking out. Hopefully they'll do the same for you.

I remember dreams being one of the first things for me, too, actually...

[Brandi Wyne]

Well, Moses, I may not have much wisdom to share with you. I would say, though, that you might start by looking at some of the other stressors in your life, past or present, that could be contributing to some unsettled feelings you may have regarding gender. However, if it is just one dream and not a recurring dream, then it could be as Freud said, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar." Don't over react and don't obsess about it unnecessarily.

If this is causing you great anxiety that you cannot resolve, then perhaps some professional counseling might help. It seems that we often pay professionals to ask the questions we are afraid to ask ourselves; or are afraid of the answers they may invoke.

[moses]

Well, yes, there have been other dreams, all my life really, especially where the whole Santa Claus thing has been fulfilled.

And Christin and I often fantasize about what it would be like to BOTH transition some day (but we know that's not possible, at least not right now).

The REAL problem is that I CAN'T go to a therapist. I am active duty military. I have a security clearance. They ask you if you have been in therapy for ANYTHING other than relationship counseling and I am not willing to LIE (not to mention the fact that you also get occasional polygraph tests).

It's not like my life is falling apart. Like I said, I feel like I am truly androgynous and perhaps would be having the other type of dream if I had been born a man. Eddie Izzard says he is "penis ambivalent". Perhaps I am "vagina ambivalent". Maybe what I want is to be able to try it before I buy it. Who knows. It's really nice to be able to vent here, though. I certainly can't talk about these things with my coworkers!

[WalT]

The REAL problem is that I CAN'T go to a therapist. I am active duty military. I have a security clearance. They ask you if you have been in therapy for ANYTHING other than relationship counseling and I am not willing to LIE (not to mention the fact that you also get occasional polygraph tests).From the way I understand security clearances, unless you have a condition that greatly affects your judgment that's not an issue.

Although being in a military is a problem for another reason.

[SirTrey]

Hey Moses, welcome to the board....Good to have you with us....:)

[carolinoakland]

Hi Moses, love the two of you by the way, and as far as the transition for both of you I think that you need to take the "not possible' out completely and be honest that it is something you BOTH want... and that knowing the goal is the hard part. The rest is details. As for the counselling thing, wel, shoot honey, why don't you and Cristin go to gender counselling together and CALL it couples councelling? Eh, you have to do what's right for your life, today AND tomorrow. I feel from you're tone a lot of confidence that the two of you WILL figure this out to a mutally agreeable outcome. Love cures all don't it? Carol

[Ze]

Yeah, the military can definitely put a damper on things. Hmm...:thinking:...I know NiCo here is getting involved with the military, albeit in Scotland. But maybe you two could still have some similarities to talk about. *waits for NiCo to find thread*

[NiCo]

Hey Moses! *slaps Ze across the head*

Well, let me first of all tell you a little story…

I went into an army career office last year to finally join up, I had wanted that my whole life, but I was aware I could have problems due to transitioning etc. I had first applied at 17 but pulled out my application because I realised I was going in as *grits teeth* [female] and that was certainly no dream of mines!

So anyhow, last year, I went to the career office and asked the sergeant outright if I could join up as the gender I should have been at birth [well I was at birth but someone made a mistake lol], and I was met with “transsexuals are no allowed into the army” my world fell apart! I was so gutted I don’t even remember my journey home - but that’s irrelevant!

To say the least, my temper did not stay chilled for long, I went a bit mad - to say the least! Ended up challenging the British army and their policies! Eventually after a while I won. I was told that after my chest operation I could join up! =] anyways, I am aware that the American army is a hell of a lot different to the British army, which is more open [sexuality is no longer a secret etc etc and of course NOW they are allowing trans-peeps in!]. I join up in 2011 as MALE after my hysto and chest op which is happening before this coming summer!

Am I right in saying this? That the American president is working his way to getting rid of the “don’t ask don’t tell” ‘rule’? If so, then it shouldn’t be much longer before the American army is as open as the British army. That is if you can give it another year or so wait? If not, something has to be done now!

You need to see a therapist! Now, I am not up to scratch on how things work in the USA but I am assuming it’s against human rights?! If there are any sort of physical or mental health/ condition/ problem [you get ma drift, aye?!] then you should be allowed to do whatever you can to sort it out. As someone mentioned, both you and your partner are both [maybe?] considering taking things a bit further, and could attend as a couple? Well that could work.

I actually know a FtM in the American army, however, is not out in the open about it to any of his superiors…do you have facebook? If so, I’ll message him and see if I can pass on his details to you…perhaps that would be the best option?!

((Edit: I think he may be on tour at the moment so the reply might take a while.))

Wishing you all the best of luck and I hope you get things cleared up soon and get the help/ support/ advice you need!

Take care.

[AmandaM]

Yo, in the American military you don't have many rights. You're property. An indentured servant. I would recommend against therapy if you want to maintain a military career. Every single person who is found out, is bounced out. A human rights case will go no where since we don't have the laws here, and we're not bound by the World Court or any other international law. Don't Ask, Don't Tell will not go away. Obama won't take that on. Maybe in another 50 years. Stay stealth! You only have five more years until retirement.

[moses]

NiCo, I think AmandaM just about summed up the attitudes here. Also, Christin doesn't want the kids to even know about the CD'ing for at least another four years or so (lest we influence their gender identity choices). Anyway, I'm basically one of the guys at work. The military is only 10% female and I get to dress almost like everyone else. Like I said, I ride the line. If I were to go one way, I'd probably be complaining that I wanted something else.

[4serrus]

There's nothing wrong with being androgynous.

[Andy66]

Like I said, I ride the line. If I were to go one way, I'd probably be complaining that I wanted something else.
The line is a pretty good place to be. But only if you're in a "glass is half full" sort of mood. :)

[moses]

Well I posted this looking for answers, or at least advice, and even though I came to it in the strangest and most roundabout of ways I have had a bit of an epiphany.

I have appreciated your posts and private messages, and it's good to know that some of you were already familiar with Christin and I. I started thinking a bit about why I post pictures of us when we are out, and I guess it's because I am a bit of an exhibitionist. I like to hear how good she looks, how good we look, to give some inspiration to the girls out there who have never been out or perhaps have only been out in the privacy of their own cars (when they see how far Christin has come in such a short time) and to get feedback on how I can look better in order to make a better "accessory" for her. I also like to think of myself as sort of a role model for the (sometimes, in my opinion) intolerant SOs who are shocked and outraged simply because they have a CDer in their life. OK, yes, a bit self-righteous.

So two BIG things happened since my original post.

First, Christin asked me what would happen with all of these thoughts if she were to get hit by a bus (uncharacteristically blunt of her, I must say). I can honestly, 100%, without a moment's hesitation, say that I would never dress again. I never did it before meeting Christin, I have never done it since meeting Christin except when she has asked to go out, and I sincerely CANNOT imagine a desire to do so if she were not in my life. My desire to present as male is to continue to be the yin to her yang (or did I get that backwards?). She tells me I am very black and white about everything, and I guess I just feel like I want to do something all the way or not at all. I am always telling her how envious I am that she can "become" Christin by putting on makeup but I can't really do the same with "unmakeup" to become Moses. I also worry, based on some things I've read here, that despite all her assurances, that CDing will one day lead to SRS. If that is the case, then once again I can't imagine anything else than being her complement, which would mean having all the right parts. As far as being a tomboy, the childhood dreams and the current dreams, I think some people can truly be gender ambiguous and just live with it.

[Maddie]

you have that kind understanding way and you always are there to complment christin

Huggs Maddie