Very good and yet very bad

[StaceyJane]

Tonight I finally talked to my wife about my cross dressing. I really had too. My daughter had told me that she had known for some time.
so i worked up all my courage and told her that I knew she knew. At first everything went great. she said that she understood and she just wanted me to be happy. She even said that our daughter had told her about TG conventions and if I wanted to go to one it would be great.
I was so happy floating on cloud nine. I had the acceptance I wanted.

But there was one thing she wanted to tell me.

She had slept with someone recently. I was devastated. I started to cry and she said she was sorry and how she didn't plan for it and etc...
I didn't even ask for details.

What had been such a happy moment has become my worst nightmare. I love her so much and I have never cheated. i really just don't know what to do.

[alexis GG]

Im so sorry to hear that your wife has cheated on you... I guess communication here is the key. Find out why she cheated and depending on how strong your marriage is maybe start working towards forgiveness... maybe find out why she cheated and work towards solving the problem... Don't throw your marriage away unless things cannot be resolved at all

[Katesback]

Sorry to hear but perhaps it might be wise to prepare for the big D. Note I said PREPARE.

I am not saying it is going to happen but still....................

[Holly]

I know it's going to be hard, but the two of you need to communicate. You BOTH need to open up. What ever you do, don't allow the dialog to become accusatory by either of you. If you can, try to settle one issue at a time. Taking on too much at one time will only make things harder. My best wishes to you both.

[Karren H]

Wow! That's the first time I have heard of that happening. Two wrongs don't make a right but I guess you could say the were offsetting offenses and call things even up and move forward... If you both agree..

[Terrihoney]

So Sorry Stacey,

Is there a possibility that the wife felt she needed more in the relationship, while you were busy being Stacey? It may be that lack of communication from each of you is the root of problems. You did hide a deep secret from your wife. Instead of confronting you, she created her own secret. To be very clear, what she did was more wrong. The cheating might be mostly a revenge thing, why else would she tell you at the time you're discussing crossdressing?
Lots of work ahead, good luck. Hope things work out.

Terri

[Teri Jean]

Stacey, having been there in part it is really wrenching to hear those words and it will tax your love for your wife. As in my case there were many factors that had to be considered, children being the most important. Your marriage is also something you need to consider. Do you stay together and work it out, not easy but you both had loved each other in the beginning.

I cannot say what you should do but my marriage continued for anothe 25 yrs before she died in an auto accident. Was it worth trying to hold it together? Yes and I would do it again. I wish you both the best.

Teri

[charlytuna]

having being married for 30yrs I just say talk it out find the details and just things out and go from there . I know in my life talking works wonders Hoping the best for you and your wife

[Bobbie Bee]

You know, there was a thread that circulated the fourm a while back that asked which would be worse; finding out your S/O was a crossdresser or learning that your S/O cheated. I was convinced, and still am, that cheating is the worst possible issue of the two choices. I believe this because it's a violation between two people. Crossdressing is a personal issue and doesn't betray the trust of another. Stacey I am so sorry about the news. Hang in there and be strong.

[carolinoakland]

well, here we are. The shoe IS on the other foot, you know what it is to be on the side of finally relieving yourself of your secret. And the weight of that, you know what it's like to carry a secret don't you? I think that alone should go a long way towards forgivness... I don't know if I could, I have never loved anyone enough to forgive them. but that's me, and I think that's just me not being in love..not really. I think you can, but it's going to be a long slow trip, but the only way you will make it, is together. Carol

[Samantha Girl]

I'm so sorry Stacey :( I'm also sorry that I'm not sure what to tell you, not great with this kind of advice.

I hope you and your wife figure things out sweety, good luck.

[Melinda G]

I,m not sure what this has to do with this particular thread, but I was watching PBS tonight, and I don't remember the main subject, but they mentioned a survey which showed only 10 percent of all couples interviewed reported they were as happy 10 years later, as they were in the first year of the marriage. Probably a lot of factors at work here, including boredom, disillusionment, loss of interest, suppressed anger, midlife crisis, just to mention a few.

[AmandaM]

There's something wrong. Figure out what it is, and if it is worth it to fix it, fix it.

[Raychel]

WOW, What to say????? That sucks so bad. I hope you can work it out. :hugs:

[PretzelGirl]

I am sorry to hear this Stacey Jane. The best I can offer at this point is move slowly and don't let overreaction take you somewhere you regret later. Time isn't your enemy at this point. :hugs:

[sissystephanie]

Stacey, I was very sad to read your email about telling your wife and her response! But that is not the end of the world! As a number of posters have said, what she did is very bad. However, her response could be that since you lied to her, which you did in not telling her some time ago, that was very bad too. Now the two of you have to get together and talk things out. Have you been the man she married? If not, maybe you ought to try doing just that!

I told my late wife before we married, and we had over 40 years of happiness together before cancer took her. We were man and wife, best friends, best girl friends, and lovers forever!! Clothes don't make a person, actions do. Show your wife you are her man, but let her know you can also be her girlfriend! Good Luck!!

[Tommie Rae]

My wife has cheated on me, more than once. We even tried doing the swinging thing (don't judge please-it's our marriage) and that at least made it semi-legitimate for both of us. During that phase we had a "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement on my CDing but it turned out she really did not want me to do it at all, ever. We called a halt to both swinging and CDing a year ago but I recently discovered she cheated on me again, plus has been giving him money every few months. You two need to have a serious talk about what is and is not allowed and see if you can work out a compromise. Marriage does not have to end, but your relationship has to be redefined. Best of luck.

[Sweet Jane]

I'm so sorry to hear that....

I do think though that there's a desire by your wife to stay in the marriage, simply because she told you about her indiscretion...a person who was wanting out would have stayed quiet and continued.

It'd hurt me, but I know I could forgive my wife anything, so if you do love her as much as life itself, pass the olive branch and begin again....accept that sometimes our most loved's behaviour is 'just human', not perfect.

[Shelly Preston]

I am sorry to hear this has happened

The thing about it is since you decided to come out and be truthful Your wife has done the same thing

You will both have a lot of talking to try and get through this
I agree with those who said dont make any quick decisions

Take your time to work through this and keep communicating

I wish you both good luck in sorting this out :hugs:

[Sherry-Stephanie]

Been there done that and got the t-shirt....

This all took place this past summer between the wife and I...and it was an ongoing "soap opera" that I was posting about...so I'm not going to re-state it...plus what worked for my wife and I might not work for others so my advice might have little value....but we worked it out and now things are fine for us...but our situation is very unique and I seriously doubt that it could be a template for others in this situation...

I really haven't found any other couples/marriages that had the same dynamics that my wife and I had, but then my wife and I are unique in our realationship since day one when we met...she didn't like me because I intimidated her...."Moi? intimidate"? Nah!!!! LOL

Anyway, I will say this....if your marriage is strong enough it will survive....and forgiving is a key element here....

best of luck....

Stephanie

[GaleWarning]

Mutual forgiveness will be the key. Can both of you find it within your hearts to forgive one another and move on?
Good luck.

[SherriePall]

Wow. I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. Definitely a case of I spill my guts and you spill your's. I just hope that her "cheating" was not a knee jerk reaction to your dressing.

Talk it out with her and see what can be done to save the marriage -- if possible.

[StaceyJane]

My wife and I have had a long talk. We still have many issues but I think we can work things out.
She really does support me crossdressing and wants me to be happy as Stacey.

[sherri52]

I'm sorry that your wife cheated on you. She didn't have to tell you yet she did. The two of you have to sit down and find out why it happened and if your cd'ing had anything to do with it. Sometimes we want to dress so badly that we ignore the loved ones around us. If that has been the case and she got caught in another circunstance maybe you can fix it and she will become more a part of your life while dressed and you more a part of her life with feelings and emotions. communicate is the key.

[Midnight Skye]

I'm so sorry to hear things happened this way Stacey. Best thing you can do is what you're already doing. Step up your communication and figure out what the problems are. Also try to freshen things up and find the good parts of your life as well. Finding and remembering the reasons you love each other can help.

[DaisyG]

Stacey,

I’m really sorry you and your wife had to trade “secrets”. Certainly getting up the courage to tell your wife had already depleted your emotional reserve, then - - wham! She’s got a secret too! Sure, that his hard! But at least your wife’s cheating is out in the open rather than lurking somewhere in the shadows and ready to blindside you later. :eek:

Two ways this sort of thing can play out. You and your wife could have stood back and hurled accusations at each other. Tit for tat. Relationship on the road to ruin. :sad:

But it sounds like you didn’t go that way. Instead, you’re still talking. EXCELLENT!

The other way things can go is that you both come to realize the best support can come from each other. Communicate freely, openly and above all, truthfully. Avoid allowing some subjects to be “off limits” as you talk. Listen to each other, in a non-judgmental mode. If you are able to rebuild the trust you must have once had in each other, there is no reason your marriage cannot emerge stronger than ever. :)

A final suggestion: Always remember that your wife married a guy, and expected him to be there when she needed him. In all likelihood, she still does. So really try to sense those times, and be prepared to let Stacey fade back into her closet for awhile. (Maybe you can call upon Stacey’s feminine intuition to know when that would help.) When your wife’s special need is over, you both can heartily welcome Stacey back into the household.

Just let me add my best wishes to those the ladies have already posted, for the best of luck to you both.

Daisy :hugs:

[MWCMDarlene]

Three things. One, the two of you ghave already done. Another, the two of you are in the process of doing. Another, the two of you should probably consider and look into doing.

Confession. Communitcation. Counseling.

Best of luck.