ballbelle
01-10-2010, 09:29 AM
I have never been one of those who has felt deep down that "he" was or should have been from the start a "she." Instead, it has been my experience that the desire to be a woman, or at least to periodically feel as one, has come about through a lifelong series of stages.
At first when attracted to crossdressing as a child and adolescent, I was quite unaware of any longing to be female; no semblance of thought was ever given to what gender i was or wished to be. The CD experience was merely one of going through a ritual--no excitement of any sort, without any notion of what was going on! Later, the idea of some sort of accompanying stimulation or excitement became apparent; initially this was minimized in favor of illusion and the ever present mirror!
For years, when no one else was around, I was content to enjoy the periodic stealthy discarding of my male attire and donning of any kind of female clothing, followed if possible kby a solemn parade in front of a mirror. No real thought to rhyme or reason--just the vague awareness that it felt good, a change from the customary dreary life perhaps! Not even any sense of sorrow or loss when the time came to change back.
Eventually however, my mind started to "kick in" and asked some questions. What was this preoccupation with women's clothing all about? Why did I enjoy the act of putting it on so much and so uniquely? What was I inducing inside by my efforts to feminize myself, at least on the outside? What is my sexual orientation when crossdressed?
More recently as I have grown older and more self aware, several things have happened. I became more concerned about perfecting the feminine illusion with makeup so that at times I really began to feel like I could "pass" as a woman if I wished. Also, and very importantly as many of us have realized, the Internet appeared and the opportunity for obtaining and sharing information about CD became available. For some of us, this has become life-changing. Also the advent of the digital camera permitted easy transmission far and wide, and even manipulation of our images . Sites on the Internet have greatly facilitated CD friendships and contact with support organizations such as URNA and Tri-Ess, enabling visits to local CD-friendly "clubs." After going to one of these some years ago, I was enormously flattered to be invited to participate in a fashion show. However at the last moment I was unable to do so, much to my subsequent chagrin and regret! Eventually my crossdressing obsession became a significant factor in my marital relationship, so much so that my wife cited it in her decision to separate and file for divorce, a step that she fortunately later retracted. However she is still repelled by the idea of me dressing as a woman and vehemently proclaims it!
My retirement over ten years ago appeared to intensify my desire to experience the feminine, so much so that I began making trips en femme around the area on many occasions. So far I have not made any big faux-pas, seeming to pass fairly well. Indeed, much to my vanity, I have been complimented on my appearance on more than one occasion. Not bad for a septagenarian!
Now to the matter of sexual orientation. I have always considered myself to be completely heterosexual, not having had an erotic relationship with another man at any time in my life. I have casually wondered what that would be like for me, both as a man and as a woman. Generally my internet CD friends have surprisingly been reluctant to share their sexual feelings and desires or have indicated their lack of sexual desire when crossdressed. However one concluded she must be lesbian as she was only interested in being with another CDer when both were together dressed. One acknowledged interest in being with a man, and recalled with pleasure her one experience.
Although I have sadly experienced over the last few years a loss of erotic attraction to my wife, whom I love and admire deeply, I have become aware of increased sexual arousal when crossdressed. Not however until about a year ago did I realize in me a strong desire to experience the presence of a man, when one (about my age and apparently also married) contacted me through my URNA site, eventually expressing an emphatic request to meet me on one of his business trips to California! All of a sudden I was aware of a deep feminine passion to do so, something that excited me like nothing else had despite the obvious dangers. Suffice to say it has never materialized though I have fantasized about it many times. He professes to fantasize being with me as my "husband" and sees me through my pictures as a very desirable female companion! This experience has revolutionized my feminine desire if not my sexual orientation at least when dressed.
I offer these revelations as something I have never previously attempted, and sincerely solicit comments and others' experiences. All in good taste, naturally!
At first when attracted to crossdressing as a child and adolescent, I was quite unaware of any longing to be female; no semblance of thought was ever given to what gender i was or wished to be. The CD experience was merely one of going through a ritual--no excitement of any sort, without any notion of what was going on! Later, the idea of some sort of accompanying stimulation or excitement became apparent; initially this was minimized in favor of illusion and the ever present mirror!
For years, when no one else was around, I was content to enjoy the periodic stealthy discarding of my male attire and donning of any kind of female clothing, followed if possible kby a solemn parade in front of a mirror. No real thought to rhyme or reason--just the vague awareness that it felt good, a change from the customary dreary life perhaps! Not even any sense of sorrow or loss when the time came to change back.
Eventually however, my mind started to "kick in" and asked some questions. What was this preoccupation with women's clothing all about? Why did I enjoy the act of putting it on so much and so uniquely? What was I inducing inside by my efforts to feminize myself, at least on the outside? What is my sexual orientation when crossdressed?
More recently as I have grown older and more self aware, several things have happened. I became more concerned about perfecting the feminine illusion with makeup so that at times I really began to feel like I could "pass" as a woman if I wished. Also, and very importantly as many of us have realized, the Internet appeared and the opportunity for obtaining and sharing information about CD became available. For some of us, this has become life-changing. Also the advent of the digital camera permitted easy transmission far and wide, and even manipulation of our images . Sites on the Internet have greatly facilitated CD friendships and contact with support organizations such as URNA and Tri-Ess, enabling visits to local CD-friendly "clubs." After going to one of these some years ago, I was enormously flattered to be invited to participate in a fashion show. However at the last moment I was unable to do so, much to my subsequent chagrin and regret! Eventually my crossdressing obsession became a significant factor in my marital relationship, so much so that my wife cited it in her decision to separate and file for divorce, a step that she fortunately later retracted. However she is still repelled by the idea of me dressing as a woman and vehemently proclaims it!
My retirement over ten years ago appeared to intensify my desire to experience the feminine, so much so that I began making trips en femme around the area on many occasions. So far I have not made any big faux-pas, seeming to pass fairly well. Indeed, much to my vanity, I have been complimented on my appearance on more than one occasion. Not bad for a septagenarian!
Now to the matter of sexual orientation. I have always considered myself to be completely heterosexual, not having had an erotic relationship with another man at any time in my life. I have casually wondered what that would be like for me, both as a man and as a woman. Generally my internet CD friends have surprisingly been reluctant to share their sexual feelings and desires or have indicated their lack of sexual desire when crossdressed. However one concluded she must be lesbian as she was only interested in being with another CDer when both were together dressed. One acknowledged interest in being with a man, and recalled with pleasure her one experience.
Although I have sadly experienced over the last few years a loss of erotic attraction to my wife, whom I love and admire deeply, I have become aware of increased sexual arousal when crossdressed. Not however until about a year ago did I realize in me a strong desire to experience the presence of a man, when one (about my age and apparently also married) contacted me through my URNA site, eventually expressing an emphatic request to meet me on one of his business trips to California! All of a sudden I was aware of a deep feminine passion to do so, something that excited me like nothing else had despite the obvious dangers. Suffice to say it has never materialized though I have fantasized about it many times. He professes to fantasize being with me as my "husband" and sees me through my pictures as a very desirable female companion! This experience has revolutionized my feminine desire if not my sexual orientation at least when dressed.
I offer these revelations as something I have never previously attempted, and sincerely solicit comments and others' experiences. All in good taste, naturally!