The "positive" read and my mass-outing fear

[dilane]

I was doing my usual Saturday shopping out and about yesterday, and stopped for a Frappuchino and some reading at the bookstore in the Grove here in LA.

I'm fairly confident, I'm out in the real world a lot, have a reasonable look, a reasonable voice and vibe. So I was relaxed as I lined up in a long U-shaped line for my drink. A couple of people glanced at me then away quickly, no amazed bug-eyed stares, no young girls giggling -- all of the horrible stuff that could happen, didn't.

The woman behind me stepped in front to look at the pastry display, and turned around and gave me a look as she returned to her place.

Then she said "I love your earrings, where did you get them?"

I thought "Oh, she read me and wants to engage me ....", then replied,
"You know, I don't really remember, I think Macy's a couple of years ago" (in my femme voice, of course).

Then she says "You're beautiful, you look great! And I like your shoes!"

Now I'm getting a bit nervous, on account of the others in the line hearing this very nice compliment, and I'm thinking, oh, no, now everyone is going to be turning on their predator-drone telescopes and checking me out.

So I tensed up a bit, and said "Thank you." with a little smile, and turned away -- not much of a snub, but under the circumstances, I think I was being rude.

If we were not in a place where I was afraid of being the center of attention, I'd have probably said "Thats very nice of you", given her a return compliment, and engaged in some chit-chat.

I could see that I'd hurt her feelings a bit. And I felt awkward, imprisoned by my fear of a center-of-attention outing.

Later on, I went to my dance club and had a fun night, but this little incident was the most thought provoking to me.

(Of course, It's questionable if this little voyage into my head is of any interest to anyone else!)

[Persephone]

Hi!

I can understand how you felt. Sometimes I think that feeling has two parts.

One is the tension that comes from feeling like we've been read and are about to be exposed.

The other is that despite how comfortable we are in "girl world," we didn't grow up there and so we have a harder time with ordinary interaction, the stuff we would have learned in elementary and middle school.

There is not really an equivalent free-and-easy conversation among strangers that occurs in the world we grew up in, so it feels awkward and scary.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Starling]

Either the woman was being thoughtlessly accepting, Di, and she forgot there was a crowd milling around; or she was engaging in a bit of ostentatious do-gooding, which requires an audience. It doesn't sound as if she was being malicious.

Whatever it was, you handled the situation like a lady.

:) Lallie

[Fab Karen]

Probably she caught on that you were feeling self-conscious. You can think about what would have happened if you had engaged her instead: would a bunch of people have turned and stared & made insults? Most likely some might have glanced over & then gone back to whatever they were thinking about. "What if I'm read?" is the ego's fear. The reality in most cases isn't the nightmare our minds envision.

[Christina Horton]

Well I don't think you did the wrong thing . You did what you needed to do . I long ago stopped worrying about what people think. If that happened to me I would chat with her and have a good time. If we are the center of attention well who care, Not me. When you see to people talking in a line or at a table in a coffee shop and there animated people will look and eavesdrop cuz it's what people do. When your out in the public eye you have no privacy so every body can watch. The next time your out and a girl compliments you and you want to chat her up just be yourself and have fun. If people see you and read you they will see a TG girl having fun and it a good impression on all who see. How can that be bad.

[OliviaLB]

I don't think she was being malicious either.

It speaks to your character that hurting her feelings made you feel awkward, but she has no clue how you felt and what your concerns where.

[christinek]

It is nice when someone engages us to make us more comfortable or to say "I love your courage" with out saying it at all! But agreed in the wrong moment it does make us uncomfortable, they don't know how comfortable we are or are not. She was awesome for stepping out, she just had no idea where your comfort level was at that moment. If you were alone in the establishment together I am sure your reaction and interaction would have been much different and you might have joined her for caffee. :drink:

Some cross dressers are way over bearing and would have hit the other side of the spectrum and thus brought more attention to the crowd and them self's.

I think you did good and if anything she got it and did not take anything by it. People in general are rude so your gesture was less on the meter than the lady on the cell phone that just cut her off.

[msginaadoll]

I do understand where your coming from. You seem comfortable out in public but like u said why draw excess attention to yourself. Also while its nice to engage in small talk the compliments she gave were ones most people would be uncomfortable with. Im not sure how many other ladies tell each other there beautiful, etc when they are strangers. I mean Ive been compliment on a skirt I wore, or my boots when I was at a club, however. Excessive gushing may be as hard to take in some ways as negative things. Just my 3 cents.

[Nicole Erin]

In cases like that, I assume I was read. But on the other hand, if that is the case, I know I have at least one person on my side. Yeah I would have just chatted with her some more. What is someone else gonna make themselves look stupid and say "but I think that is sick!"

[jenna_woods]

I am glad it worked out good for you, this has happened to me also,and I was nervous for it for a week, but it did not stop me from going out and about after that week,

[sherri52]

Dilane: I have always seen you as a very confident girl. It must have been very tightly packed to have you questioning your looks. I'm glad the end result was to have a good time.

[docrobbysherry]

For SOME CDs!:brolleyes: And I'm one of those!:sad:

I've thot about this A LOT! I tried to PASS and BLEND, at the SCC. My first and only, time out dressed! Mostly, I was ignored! As I preferred to be.
If someone had engaged me in front of others, as they did u, Dilane, I would have been embarassed beyond measure!:o

However, when I went out dressed as Sherry, I had NO SUCH FEARS! :eek:
Because there's ZERO POSSIBILITY of her passing in public!:brolleyes:
Everyone was looking at me, and MANY girls came up to talk, and get pictures with Sherry. That didn't bother me at all! In fact, I enjoyed it!

I KNOW this doesn't seem to make sense! THAT'S what I keep thinking about!:doh:

[Sally2005]

You did the normal thing. My wife would have done exactly what you did. She is uncomfortable interacting much with strangers...especially if they comment on the way she looks. She considers it rude because someone she doesn't know has no place judging how she looks.

[Astrid Star]

I am certain Dilane that I would have reacted in much the same way. It is unfortunate when instances such as this occurr and you look back thinking how you could have better handled the situation.

Astrid

[Tricia Lee]

Are you positive she read you?

On my first time ever out to a mall, I had a woman look me up and down, smile, and tell me my outfit was pretty. She was standing about 10 feet from me and got a really good long look. Then she continued on her way as if nothing had happened.

I just had to know if she had read me. I stopped her and asked if she knew I was a guy. She didn't. It's hard for me to believe, but she really assumed I was a woman.

Unlike us, not everyone is on the lookout for CD's in public! I think you passed :)

[dilane]

Thanks for all of your observations. What a great collection of people we have here.


The other is that despite how comfortable we are in "girl world," we didn't grow up there and so we have a harder time with ordinary interaction, the stuff we would have learned in elementary and middle school.Persephone.

Hi Barb -- Yes, being able to comfortably chat is important. I am quite chatty normally, but being in line with 10 others made me feel I was on stage, and I am a 2 on the exibitionist scale (unlike some others whose names I will not mention :). If she hadn't gushed "You're beautiful!" (which is so unusual it's like crying FIRE! in a crowded theatre), I'd have stayed in my little comfort zone.


Either the woman was being thoughtlessly accepting, Di, and she forgot there was a crowd milling around; or she was engaging in a bit of ostentatious do-gooding, which requires an audience.:)

Good observations. I hadn't thought about the second alternative.


Probably she caught on that you were feeling self-conscious. You can think about what would have happened if you had engaged her instead: would a bunch of people have turned and stared & made insults? Most likely some might have glanced over & then gone back to whatever they were thinking about. "What if I'm read?" is the ego's fear. The reality in most cases isn't the nightmare our minds envision.

Yes, she seemed chastened afterward -- she may have realized that she embarassed me. And yes, my little ego still has yet to conquer the fear factor of a public outing.


When you see to people talking in a line or at a table in a coffee shop and there animated people will look and eavesdrop cuz it's what people do. When your out in the public eye you have no privacy so every body can watch. The next time your out and a girl compliments you and you want to chat her up just be yourself and have fun. If people see you and read you they will see a TG girl having fun and it a good impression on all who see. How can that be bad.

Say it, girl! You're way ahead of me in that department :)


It speaks to your character that hurting her feelings made you feel awkward, but she has no clue how you felt and what your concerns were.

Thanks.


She was awesome for stepping out, she just had no idea where your comfort level was at that moment. If you were alone in the establishment together I am sure your reaction and interaction would have been much different and you might have joined her for coffee. :drink:


Yes, if I weren't in a long line, I'd have continued the conversaton. I've made several friends that way.


Im not sure how many other ladies tell each other there beautiful, etc when they are strangers. I mean Ive been compliment on a skirt I wore, or my boots when I was at a club, however. Excessive gushing may be as hard to take in some ways as negative things. Just my 3 cents.

Yes, her first remark about the earrings was fine, but she was just a little over the top with her follow up remark, and I got self conscious in a hurry. Have you ever heard a GG say "You're beautiful" to a stranger in public?


In cases like that, I assume I was read. But on the other hand, if that is the case, I know I have at least one person on my side. Yeah I would have just chatted with her some more.

Yes, no problem with the "friendly read", just the on-stage thing bothered me.


However, when I went out dressed as Sherry, I had NO SUCH FEARS! :eek:
Because there's ZERO POSSIBILITY of her passing in public!:brolleyes:
Everyone was looking at me, and MANY girls came up to talk, and get pictures with Sherry. That didn't bother me at all! In fact, I enjoyed it!


Ok, next time I go to starbucks, I'll wear the mask -- let's see ... Dracula or Hillary Clinton??? :)


You did the normal thing. My wife would have done exactly what you did. She is uncomfortable interacting much with strangers...especially if they comment on the way she looks. She considers it rude because someone she doesn't know has no place judging how she looks.

I enjoy it when I get a little compliment, little pleasures out of the blue are great. This was just a bit much (and as FabKaren noted, she probably realized that she had poured it on a little thick).


After my first few times out, my trans rommie mentioned how the real deal came when you are comfortable enough to chit chat. She's totally right, and I've worked on it ever since.

Yes, in fact *not* chatting and evading interaction will draw attention to you when en femme. Fortunately, I'm a regular chatty Kathy :)



The other night, coming home on New years, our new neighbors arrived at the same time. There is a narrow stairwell, and our doors face each other at the top. They were having trouble finding their keys, despite my feet dragging, I caught up to them as they finally opened it up. She was all gushy and "oh my god our new neighbor! Oh, so nice to see you, etc, etc..."

I tried to brush by as quickly as possible. Like you, I felt bad, but had been out all day, make up was wearing down and I was tired. The next day, they saw my roommate's boyfriend was out, and they stopped him to tell him what a lovely and polite wife he had! LOL!

So, sometimes we just project our feelings on to others, while they never felt that way at all. I've noticed in female to female conversation that they often compliment each other until something sets off a conversation.

Fear of Mass Outing?!?! Thought I was the only one!!! :eek:

That's a great story!


Are you positive she read you?

On my first time ever out to a mall, I had a woman look me up and down, smile, and tell me my outfit was pretty. She was standing about 10 feet from me and got a really good long look. Then she continued on her way as if nothing had happened.

I just had to know if she had read me. I stopped her and asked if she knew I was a guy. She didn't. It's hard for me to believe, but she really assumed I was a woman.

Unlike us, not everyone is on the lookout for CD's in public! I think you passed :)

How interesting. I haven't done that with strangers, but have asked how I was initially perceived after getting to know someone a bit.

[carolinoakland]

it's ok, she was girl bonding with you... the one's who are the best ally's are the one's who don't bat an eye and just treat you like another girl. That inclusion just makes me want to burst sometimes... although I laughed a week when a senior woman on an elevator confessed to me that the only real reason she went to the gym was to look at all the young men....Carol