worth it or not !

[pernille d]

hi
i bet this has been talked about before but am interested in a bit of help/ feedback .

i have been dressing since an early age and with my wife for over 20 yesrs and still looking out from the crack in the closet . i hate hideing and lieing to my wife therfore half of me wants to tell her and half is frightend of what could happen if i do tell her .

i have a good life and we have worked hard for everything we have , so i constantly ask myself , " why would i want to risk loosing everything to tell her if she did not accept " i read both bad and good stories of people coming out after a long time in the closset .

i have reached the stage in my life where i know what and who i am and no amount of purgeing will hide the fact that i will always be a crossdresser, i know both the advantages + dissadvantages of coming out , + also hideing away , so i am ahving a hard time decideing what to to do , so if any of you have any imput or advice , to help me work out wether its worth takeing the gamble

thanks

[Joanne f]

The only thing i could sagest to you is to try something small to in a sense put out some feelers to see what your wife's reaction might be , OK i know there are quite a few GGs that will say this is wrong and you should just talk to your wife and tell her but this has the possibility of you both loosing all (yes and gaining all) but you are there in that relationship not them so it has to be you to make that judgement .
It is the CDer who feels the guilt ,shame of doing it and hiding it plus the worry of what will happen if they tell and then to take all the consequences on their back if all gos wrong , but if possible i would without a doubt say that in theory telling in some way is best . ( which is a bout as much sense as me saying i don`t know):doh:

[Karren H]

In my humble opinion. The risk isn't worth the reward... At least for me.. So I would have never volntarily come out but being a sloppy guy.. She found out any way... And the results were not devestating but not stellar either. Given the choice I would rather her not know.

[Joni Marie Cruz]

Hi Pernille-

I think you've asked the toughest question anyone who's TG, whether they're already married or may get married, can ask about a relationship. Ultimately, of course, only you can decide whether it's worth it or not. Personally speaking, while my wife of 24 years is okay with it and helpful, supportive and understanding (not that we haven't had our issues with it all), I have had friends whose marriages of several years have totally imploded once they disclosed. Then again, there are marriages that survive and seem the better for it as well as ones that seem to be okay at first but just deteriorate under the burden.

One thing I might ask, if you don't mind, is how open minded is your wife about TG issues and people who are "different" in general? Is she open and accepting or does she seem to have difficulty accepting people who are out of the mainstream? When you're out and about and you've seen someone who's obviously a crossdresser, how did she react? How does she react when crossdressing is depicted on television or in a movie? These are clues about how she may react if you tell her about your feminine side.

I'm sure many of the other girls will be able to give you better ideas and help than I have. It is so difficult to be torn between hiding and burying an essential part of who you are and taking the chance of losing someone you love as well as the risk that you may be outed to your family, friends and coworkers. So very many of us here on CD.com have been or are still in your situation. I wish you the best of luck, no matter what your decision.

Hugs...Joni Mari

[Rachel05]

Well my wife found me out, I guess I got a little careless one night and she copped me, but after the initial why questions we have not mentioned it ever since, so for me it feels easier, she knows and she has to know I still do it, but it feels easier because now I don't have that lie to live with er at least, so I enjoy it more now = very difficult to know one way or another, good luck if you do decide to tell her

My wife took it very well I have to say, noo screaming or tantrums

[APRIL0401]

Don't tell. It's not worth the risk.

[minalost]

I think everyone needs to asses their own situation.

For me, I got in more trouble for hiding it than for doing it :eek:. It's kind like Washington DC: you get in more trouble for the cover-up that you do for actually doing something wrong.

The other issue is stress. Relaxation is part of the reason some of us dress. How can you relax if your stressed out over the possibility of being caught?

I know life is simpler with her knowing. Of course, life would be really simple with her gone, if this is the result of her finding out.

Good luck with what ever you decide to do!

[Charleen]

I was in the closet for the 30 years I was married. (widowed, not divorced) I knew Lily wouldn't fly. Yeah, it was rough but not as rough as I think it could have been.

[Emma Leigh]

Someone has to give a worst case scenario, I was copped by my spouse after we had been together for around 8 years. She initially took it realy well, and even took me on a shopping trip for clothes, but gradually she started to get resentful, I offered to purge, she said (correctly) that she doubted I could do it, and didnt want me to. She started to bring it up in totally unrelavent conversations, so I knew things werent going well, then after 18 months or so asked me to leave, which I did, reluctantly, 3 months later.
If you sound your wife out about it, and she is ok about it,it doesnt mean, she will not have a change of heart at a later date, and for you, like me, it will be to late. Sorry, but thats how it is.

[Molly Wells]

I told my wife before we got married and dressed in her presence. After we were married I continued to dress at home occasionally, even though I knew she really didn't like it much. When the kids came along I quit dressing when they were around. I soon ended up totally in the closet and did not dress around her or the kids. Over 25 years later I was still in the closet. The kids were now all married or off at school. We got invited to a Halloween party and I suggested we go as a gangster and his moll. (hence my femme name Molly) The suggestion turned negative pretty fast and when I reminded her that she knew of my desires before were married she was not a happy camper. Long story short, she had assumed that I had given it up and had gotten over "my problem." It took several days for the ice to melt. I went back into the closet and have remained there. About a year later I had washed some panties while she was at work one day and hung them to dry in the bathroom. I had forgotten to remove them before she got home. She had gone into the bathroom and discovered them. She did not say anything at the time but I could tell she was mad about something. When I went into the bathroom a little later I realized what I had forgotten. I put them away and nothing was said. She was a little distant for a couple of days, then she came up to me a apologized for getting so mad at me and asked my forgiveness. Since that time it has not been talked about, but I do not dress in her presence. I do have some panties in my drawer and underdress fairly often, but not openly in her presence. I respect her desire to not be a part of this side of me and reserve my Molly time till I am comfortably alone.Been married for thirty years now and are very much in love.
Molly

[Glenda58]

Telling after you been married has been a diaster for me. My first wife left me 2 years after she found out and ended a 18 yr marriage. The second wife I told her 8 months after we were married and we fought for almost 7yrs till she got sick and pass away but made me promise to tell anyone that I was going to be with about my CDing. I did and I'm now married to my third wife who knows but doesn't like it out in the open for her to see. She gives alone time to dress.
So to tell or not to tell is up to you and how you feel she will act.

[KristinSkye]

i have reached the stage in my life where i know what and who i am and no amount of purgeing will hide the fact that i will always be a crossdresser, i know both the advantages + dissadvantages of coming out , + also hideing away , so i am ahving a hard time decideing what to to do , so if any of you have any imput or advice , to help me work out wether its worth takeing the gamble

thanks

Hey Pernille :)

I should have gave you my two cents earlier. I know I've only been open to my wife for a week now but here why I finally came about telling her:


First, I realized that cross dressing isn't something that I woke up one morning and decided I should do. It is a part of me, it will always be a part of me. I realized that the longer I kept waiting for my urge to dress to "pass" the more dissapointed I would be in the long run.
Secondly, because of that fact I knew that when (not if) my wife finally found out she would probably be very upset, moreso if I just came clean with her. Also, I thought to myself of all the potential fun and exploration my wife and I might have missed out on, provided she was accepting over time, because I never told her.


Anyway I hoped that helped just a little bit. Good luck girl :hugs:

[StaceyJane]

I thought I had been doing a good job hiding until my daughter told me that my whole family had known for a year.

[Di]

It is your decision..your life, But every GG I know and I know ALOT who are partners of cd/tgs say the lies and feeling betrayed because of the lies is what hurts the most not the cding. Heres a thread our GG's put together/
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=90231
Best wishes:hugs:

[lingerieLiz]

There is no right answer that any of us can give. Every person is different and relationships are different. I told my wife soon after we began dating. I thought she was OK with it and she thought she could change me. Over the years we have learned to exist with it. Some things are OK with her ... and others are not. All of us have faults and all have boundaries on what we can accept. This is why I feel so strong about telling before forming a strong long term relationship or marriage. I'm out to quite a few people and have found that some women are open to CDing. How open they are to be married is sometimes a different story. Good luck in what ever your decision is.

[Angie G]

It was well worth it for me. My wife has been great about my dressing. We even shop for Angie now and then. And now I get to dress 5 days a week. The weekends she gets her Man back.:hugs:
Angie