Wish me luck

[Rianna Humble]

In the next few days, I will be taking another step into the future.

I have more or less scheduled a discussion with my team leader to discuss what the fact of me being transgendered means in the context of the team where I work.

Lately, I have been pushing the envelope a bit with my style of dress on the so-called "dress down days" at work. Nothing too OTT, just the occasional cute velvet blouse, tights under my drab trousers and my favourite wedge-heeled shoes and nail polish.

I have also been encouraged very recently by Lucy, another team leader who works for the same manager as me and who feels I should be given more freedom to be me.

According to Lucy, my manager has noticed but seems cool so long as it does not have an adverse effect on the team or my work.

I realise am going to make myself extremely vulnerable in coming out to my team leader, but I don't think I can leave things where they are at the moment.

For one thing, some members of the team have noticed the tights & nails but don't know whether they can ask me about it, so to do nothing would not be a good way forward.

There is no chance of me going 24/7 in the foreseeable future, but I do feel I need to clear the air and - perhaps - get a little more freedom to be me.

Despite this big step, I still intend to take things fairly slowly.

So, I would value your good wishes and any advice you might feel appropriate to give me.

Luv
Rianna

PS, if one of the mods can find a more appropriate board for this thread, I will be happy to see where it gets moved.

[alexis GG]

Can't offer you any advice I'm afraid Rianna, but I wish you all the luck in the world and please keep us updated as to how things go :hugs:

[sherri52]

Hi Rianna: You'll have to play by ear. It seems your manager is cool with the transition so your job will be to feel out the rest of the team.

[jenna_woods]

good luck, you will have to play it by ear,

[carolinoakland]

if you aren't going 24/7 then what is the transition? you'll still be presenting male? If you're just looking for more room of personal expression that's not transition. Carol

[SuzanneBender]

Good luck dear. It is important to be able to express yourself in a way that is comfortable for you.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Rianna: You'll have to play by ear. It seems your manager is cool with the transition so your job will be to feel out the rest of the team.


if you aren't going 24/7 then what is the transition? you'll still be presenting male? If you're just looking for more room of personal expression that's not transition. Carol

Just to be quite clear, I am not in a position to be able to consider transition at this stage even though I'm sure that's where I really should be heading.

This means that Carol is correct that I will have to present as male for the majority of the time.

In my opinion, this does not make things easier but harder for me and does not lessen the feeling that I am going to make myself very vulnerable when I speak to my Team Leader.

[Annie D]

Tell Lucy of your plan to talk to your team leader and ask her to be the front person in your approach. Ask her if she would tell your team leader that you plan to talk to him/her about slowly or subtlely changing your work attire to a more feminine presentation and inquiring if it would cause any problems at work with the team. Then she can give you a "heads up" about what you are planning. Then you can take it from there.

Good luck!

[Angie G]

Good luck Rianna I wish you all the best hun.:hugs:
Angie

[carolinoakland]

and therin lies my concern. From my experience of the time from diagnosis and treatment start when I was presented female at home but not at work. and I started to be more andro at work. Since the attire for men and women is identical no one was able to tell that I was already wearing womens jeans and shoes and underdressing. And my frurstration at not being able to be me built and I got more and more upset about it. I started to resent the time in the old gender. I hated it, I couldnt' wait to get home and change into something right, of course that was after I stopped weeping in the car at not being seen for the woman I now know I am...And I am on your side. I hope I didn't seem like I was jumping on you... Carol

[Nicola2876]

Good luck Riana! I hope it all goes well for you. Lucy sounds cool and it must be good to have someone at work who you can talk to. Let us know how it goes and be proud of yourself xx

[Kate Simmons]

Despite how much we may push the envelope, things do not happen overnight. Is a slow and steady process and requires a lot of endurance and dedication to not only ourselves but also what we believe in. I wish you well in your endeavors my friend.:)

[Melinda G]

My old girlfriend had a rather crude saying, "You don't shit where you eat".

You might want to keep your dressing and your employment separate. Especially in these days of scarce job opportunities.

[Rianna Humble]

I appreciate the sentiment, Melinda, but I have gone past the point where it is possible to keep work and life separate.

The fact is that it has been noticed at work anyway, so I need to say something if only to prevent the rumour mill running wild. It also has the potential to upset the balance in the team where I work if I say nothing.

The closer it gets (should be tomorrow) the more I feel like my insides are turning to jelly, but also the more convinced I am that this is the only right way forward.

In some ways, life was simpler whilst I was in denial, but I could never return to that existence now. Rianna is real, she is me and I am her it is my other life that is a sham, but I cannot escape it yet.

[Brooke Smith]

My old girlfriend had a rather crude saying, "You don't shit where you eat".

You might want to keep your dressing and your employment separate. Especially in these days of scarce job opportunities.

You're right Melinda,that is a rather crude saying and not really applicable. Rianna isn't playing dress-up here but rather expressing her gender. She said she will eventually transition but at her own pace. She is wise to include her team leader because she doesn't want to be a distraction at work.

Rianna ,I wish you the best of luck. Another reason I'm glad I've been self employed all these years.

[az_azeel]

Good luck Rianna.. see how the talk goes and take it from there... you might want to hold a meeting to explain things to the rest of the team .. just to try and clear the air..especially if they have noticed the few changes.. ;)

[Rianna Humble]

In the end, it all went off with a bit of a whimper because my team leader could only spare me 15 min. :sad: I settled for that because I could not bear to go another week without getting things into the open.

I could only really give him a brief overview of what I wanted to discuss rather than the in-depth discussion I had hoped for.

He didn't know much about transgender so I had to give him a sort of potted version of an explanation. :doh:

He confirmed that he had noticed me wearing tights & women's shoes and also nail varnish and eye shadow on our dress-down Fridays but didn't see any problem with that.

I broached the subject of other team members, but Darren said he is not aware of any of them having a problem with my clothing.

We talked about me going further than I have at the moment, but Darren did not think that it would be wise for me to be fully dressed on a Friday because there are a lot of youngsters in the same office some of whom might have a hostile reaction and he was not sure how that might affect me. :eek:

I also asked about our manager's thoughts. Darren said he was sure that she is cool with it, but promised to talk to her for me. He also offered to find out the company's approach for if I want to go further or even to transition. :)

I explained that circumstances at home do not make transition an immediate possibility although it could be my long term goal.

We have left it that Darren will make sure the team feels able to talk to me if they want to and that I will discuss with him before I make any major move.

He did ask me whether this meant that I am Gay or whether I had a girlfriend. I don't have a gf at the moment but confirmed that I am not Gay, although I did explain that being transgendered has contributed to my shyness over the last 45 years or more.

(By way of explanation here, I am not one of those who feels the need to protest that "I am not Gay" it was merely a response to a direct question. As such I did not feel the need to discuss whether I might be lesbian).

Not as much progress as I would have hoped, but perhaps a positive start. Thank you all for your support.

[carolinoakland]

a good start... carol

[Midnight Skye]

Sounds like things went well Rianna. And I think Darren's advice was very sound. A touch of femininity here and there usually won't set anyone off, they'll just take you as quirky and usually be ok with it. But flipping back and forth between fully dressed as a female and then back to male mode has historically made people very uncomfortable. Primarily because people lose footing on how to address you and what to expect of you.

I'd keep up with what you have, a neutral male attire with a splash of femininity. And in the future when/if you transition to go full over to the female wardrobe.

I'm happy things are going well so far ;)

[az_azeel]

maybe not quite what you expected Rianna but it looks like a possitive start... :hugs:

[DiannaRose]

Ri, I'm so sorry I missed your original post..I wanted to give you my support before you went in. Please forgive me.

I, too, think this came to a positive conclusion (well, conclusion for now, anyway) :) I'm thrilled that you'll be able to just be yourself in front of your co-workers. You are at a place where a lot of us would like to be, so you give us hope.

Well done, Ri! I know that was a tough thing to do. You are very strong and very brave! :)

[PretzelGirl]

Good for you Rianna! Baby steps are what is sometimes needed. Although the day may have not been as fulfilling as you were imagining, you have started the process and have apparent support. :hugs:

[Tiff Rivera]

Good luck dear! Wish you the best and I will keep you in my prayers

:hugs: :love:

[Melinda G]

I want to clear something up, about my comments in this and other posts. I have been accused of not being supportive in the past. I was even called a bitch by one of the less tactful moderators. I am not being judgemental or critical. But I live in the real world, and I see things as they are. Not as we would like them to be. That is why I am not supportive, when I see someone going in a direction, that likely will or could be detrimental to their marriages, or employment, or have major life altering consequences.

[Rianna Humble]

First off, I want to thank everyone who contributed to this thread for your support and advice - even where it was not what I wanted to hear.


Sounds like things went well Rianna. And I think Darren's advice was very sound.

I was so tired, at first I didn't recognise how well things had gone, but you are right Darren gave me good advice.


Ri, I'm so sorry I missed your original post..I wanted to give you my support before you went in. Please forgive me.

There is nothing to forgive Chicklet, I know I can always count on your support


I, too, think this came to a positive conclusion (well, conclusion for now, anyway) :) I'm thrilled that you'll be able to just be yourself in front of your co-workers. You are at a place where a lot of us would like to be, so you give us hope.

Well done, Ri! I know that was a tough thing to do. You are very strong and very brave! :)

There will still be boundaries and they will not meet Rianna for now, but if my experience gives others hope then it is worth it. Not so sure about the brave bit - my innards felt like jellied mush all day.


Good for you Rianna! Baby steps are what is sometimes needed. Although the day may have not been as fulfilling as you were imagining, you have started the process and have apparent support. :hugs:

Thank you Sue for these words of wisdom


I want to clear something up, about my comments in this and other posts. I have been accused of not being supportive.

Melinda, I may not have wanted to hear your advice when I wrote my article, but you demonstrate that you care by being prepared to sound a warning note when you think we might be rushing ahead dangerously.

[gemsay32]

I would advice to move cautiously. I would feel uncomfortable in a work setting seeing something like that all at once. Let everyone get to know who you're so that when you show up looking out of place they won't be surprised or feel they can't trust you.

[kellycan27]

I wish you the best of luck, and at the same time urge you to take it very slowly. A couple of things that you mentioned in this and a previous post caught my eye. You mentioned that one of the team leaders was going to check "company" policy in regards to what you are planning to do. It is of the utmost importance to find this out because while local management may not take issue with it, the higher ups might. If someone complains you could find yourself in hot water, if company policy does make exceptions for the transgendered. Are you seeing a therapist? In other words...should push come to shove are you prepared to back up your claim of being transgendered? In order to back a claim of discrimination I would think that you would have to show proof that you are in fact transgendered, other than your word. In another post you expressed the desire to dress on some days, but not on other days. I believe that the company could argue that if you could dress in drab on say Tuesday and Wednesday, you shouldn't have a problem dressing in drab the rest of the week. I don't think that they would be required to accommodate you to dress at your convenience, due to outside influences... I am no expert, and I have no clue how the anti-discrimination laws work in the UK ...Just some food for thought.

:hugs:
Kelly

[Rianna Humble]

I apologise at the start for a long post, but feel that these thoughtful contributions deserve an equally thoughtful response.


I would advice to move cautiously. I would feel uncomfortable in a work setting seeing something like that all at once. Let everyone get to know who you're so that when you show up looking out of place they won't be surprised or feel they can't trust you.

I am taking it very slowly (I am one of the longest serving team members at 14 months). Even the bits that I had already introduced - pedicure, nails shoes, stockings - were spread out over more than 6 months. We still work together well as a team, but I felt the need to formalise things so that the team could know where they stand as well as so that I could go further over time.


I wish you the best of luck, and at the same time urge you to take it very slowly. A couple of things that you mentioned in this and a previous post caught my eye. You mentioned that one of the team leaders was going to check "company" policy in regards to what you are planning to do. It is of the utmost importance to find this out because while local management may not take issue with it, the higher ups might.

I agree that it is important, the way that my company works is that I have to escalate things through my team leader so he is always the first port of call. I can only bypass him and go straight to HR if there is a serious reason to do so which does not exist in this case.

The company policy he is going to check is for when I need to take things further than he and I have agreed at present.


If someone complains you could find yourself in hot water, if company policy does make exceptions for the transgendered. Are you seeing a therapist? In other words...should push come to shove are you prepared to back up your claim of being transgendered? In order to back a claim of discrimination I would think that you would have to show proof that you are in fact transgendered, other than your word.

Another very good point Kelly, right now I have no proof :sad:


In another post you expressed the desire to dress on some days, but not on other days. I believe that the company could argue that if you could dress in drab on say Tuesday and Wednesday, you shouldn't have a problem dressing in drab the rest of the week. I don't think that they would be required to accommodate you to dress at your convenience, due to outside influences...

Perhaps I was unclear in that other post. The company has two dress policies - one for Monday to Thursday where male employees are expected to wear something approximating a suit although ties are optional. There is also supposed to be a "formal" dress code for female employees but this is honoured in the breach rather than in the observance.

The second policy is for Fridays and weekends and says that employees may dress for comfort within the bounds of decency (my phrasing). Technically, they do not impose what type of clothing you can wear on those 3 days - and this was confirmed by my team leader.

My previous post was intended to suggest that as a first step I was willing to respect the Monday-Thursday dress code whilst wanting to be able to express myself fully under the other dress code.

Although I have that right on paper already, I am not the only employee in the office, so I need to move forward with the knowledge and acceptance of management and considering the feelings of the rest of my team. This is what I am attempting to do.

The outside influences were mentioned as a factor in limiting how quickly or not, I can proceed towards full transition.


I am no expert, and I have no clue how the anti-discrimination laws work in the UK ...Just some food for thought.

:hugs:
Kelly

Your posts are always both thoughtful and thought-provoking, :thanx:.

[kellycan27]

Good luck and good hunting!

Kel

[Rianna Humble]

Still trying to do small steps - particularly bearing in mind the words of caution that I've read here. I'm going to speak to my actual manager tomorrow.

The previous meeting was my team leader - he is responsible mainly for administration and is the official link from me to my manager.

We are still keeping this low-key, but I want to make sure that T is on board with this.

Also in 10 days time, there is a joint evening out for both of the teams that T manages and I want to discuss with her whether she is cool for me to go en femme.

My team leader pointed out that it is technically my own time so in his opinion I can do what I want, but this is still a work's outing and I don't want to do anything that T might consider disruptive.

I believe that both teams would probably be OK but if T feels differently, I will respect her opinion on this one.

[DiannaRose]

Good luck, Rianna! I hope it works out that you'll be able to go en femme. What a huge blessing that would be for you! :)

[Nicola2876]

Hi Rianna

Glad things went ok at work and I hope you're feeling better about it xx

[carolinoakland]

Keeping good thoughts in my head about you... Carol

[Rianna Humble]

Some people encouraged me to give updates on my situation at work.

The meeting that should have taken place 5 weeks ago with my manager T had to be postponed because she was taken into hospital. It finally took place yesterday.

During this time, I was respecting D's suggestion not to wear dresses and skirts by putting jeans over my skirt whilst I was in the office. One of my team-mates (J) came up to me whilst I was wearing my new pink bling top and told me that the jeans really didn't go with the top and said I should be wearing a skirt with that. When I told him what D had suggested, J replied that I shouldn't be ruled by fear but should wear what would make me comfortable.

Encouraged by J's response and by discussions with other team members who also feel Ok about me expressing myself, I have now worn skirts and dresses on the three dress-down days and have not had any negative reactions even from youngsters in other teams in the same office.

In yesterday's meeting with T & D together, T stressed again that their primary concern was with my well-being. I told her that I had experimented with being fully dressed even with other teams present and had not had any bad comments. T was still concerned that I might be upset by remarks and that this might impact on my ability to do my job, so I told her that I had had to grow used to that kind of behaviour outside work and did not let it affect me.

With respect to the multi-team outing, T warned me not to clash with what she would be wearing:heehee: but did suggest that we forewarn both teams so that I did not get any OMG reactions on the night.

I also told T that later this year I might need to know the company policy on transition. T replied that it would be a case of her accompanying me to HR so that we could discuss what support the company could give me during the transition. She reminded me that until that time, I must respect the Mon-Thurs dress code and only wear drabs in the office on those days. I have no hesitation in agreeing ot that, even though it is hard having to dress as "him" so often.

[baldy1]

You go girl and the best of luck

[Rianna Humble]

Had the outing. After a couple of hesitations, I wore my new dress that has a black skirt and a purple top half with black inlaid designs, Gold & Black tights, pale pink sandals, Red stone earrings & deep pink nail polish. The teams were very friendly - no adverse reactions - but I did get told off by T for having nails & earrings that don't go with the purple top. So I reminded her that I have only been doing this for 1 year and still need to be helped with that sort of choice and asked her to buy me some nail polish as a belated birthday present (she agreed but don't know if she'll remember).

I changed my earrings for some silver sea-horse ones and got a back-handed compliment - one of the GG's said she liked them because they remind her of her mum. As I'm over twice her age, I suppose that's not too bad.

At one point in the evening, T was looking for someone to look after her handbag while she went outside for a cancer stick and chose me :dance: She would never ask one of the blokes, so that's a bit more acceptance.

Only slight downer, I still don't have a wig that's good enough to wear out so I had to go without. But on the up side, I will probably be getting a fitting for one in the near future. Migh see if any of the GG's in the other team will help me choose, but not sure.