A well kept secret.. or not?

[kellycan27]

I always see a lot of posts about how some people keep this cding thing a secret from the wives or SO's. Seems like it might be pretty hard to keep a 10 or 20 year secret from someone who lives with you.
My question... Have any of you ever wondered if she did in fact know, but kept it to herself for whatever reason? Like maybe she didn't want to embarass you, or just didn't care one way or the other? Maybe she knew and just didn't want to know anything about it? :)

Kel

[Kathi Lake]

What I'm doing is no longer a secret, but I know she is noticing things - the lack of hair on my hands, my brows getting thinner. Her eyes linger a bit longer there, and I can tell she is looking for more areas.

As for a total secret? If any guy thinks that his wife really doesn't know, he's deluding himself. Women notice everything. They then catalog it away for future use.

Kathi

[Karren H]

30 years and my wife said she had no clue at all...

[NathalieX66]

I have a sneaky feeling that some men think that being married will suppress , or even possibly cure the desire to crossdress. Once the marital bliss sets in, then the desire slowly creeps back.

I'm not married, but the woman I'm involved with knows it, and likes my crossdressing....up to a point. Heck, I'm an artist....what do you expect?

[kellycan27]

30 years and my wife said she had no clue at all...

I Know that you are a good secret keeper...... another diet coke?

[StaceyJane]

I thought I was hiding but two weeks ago my daughter told me that my whole family had known for a year. so much for hiding. At least now I can be open.

[Kerigirl2009]

I told my wife 5 and 1/2 months ago after nearly 15 years of marriage and she didn't have a clue about any of it.
Now that she knows I am a CD she sees and notices everything. I think she is being more critical of the things that I once did but now that she knows I like feminine stuff she watches more.
Now the clues are very visible to her. :)

[Angie G]

My wife didn't know for better then 30 years.It's going on 4 years that she has known. Well for sure anyway.:hugs:
Angie

[pernille d]

i have those thoughts and some times my SO makes jokes or comments close to the point ,
. is it just coincidence or is she some times trying to indirectly say i know about your crossdresing, I can only guess but sometimes i think it does happen too often to be o incidence ,
maybe they feer the worse and not say or feel embarraced or ont want confrontation , who knows , the only way is to ask her , and that of cause means coming out ,be interesting to find out when i come out if infact she knew as i know she has never found my clothing or stumbled across traces on my pc , so how else would she know .

[WendyD]

It was a secret for 14 years before my adult step daughter outed me.

[TerryTerri]

When my wife and I first started dating, like the FIRST date, she asked a question that she didn't exactly realize what she was asking or the answer she'd get. I'm an honest person, so, I took a deep breath and told her, ON OUR FIRST DATE! Geesh, but at that point to not answer her question would have been a lie and when the truth came out, it wouldn't be good.
Anyway, at that time I only CDed on occasion and didn't realize I was actually transgendered. Now, due to my figureing out I am transgendered and the changes that has brought into my life, my wife and I have amicably split. But, at no time has the trust, honesty and respect left from that fatefull first date.

However, as for keeping things secret, I think it is more of a question of the person than a general staement of the female sex. Some people are just not into noticing details and some are. It isn't too hard to keep a secret from someone who doesn't notice details when you are a detail oriented person. IMHO

[Shelly67]

Believe me ... our partners know we're up to " something " . At first , I gave off signs of hiding something ( pink fog ? )and my wife worried herself silly I was seeing another woman , until ( she's told me this herself ) she did the math and realised the timings weren't adding up . No matter how much we delude ourselves and keep things secret we give off signals .....

As to now ...well she's fully in the picture , however ( we have no children ) the rest of my family are not . I suppose I give myself away now ... shaven arms , legs ( no longer working with dusty composites so the escuse of shaven limbs makes for a less itchier working day no longer works ) thinned eyebrows ( it used to be mono brow lol ) and such have now given way to hints in conversation . Infact everytime we're all together transvestites are mentioned somewhere . I'm sure they know . It will come out eventually .................. it always does . Perhaps for now the metrosexual lifestyles of men keeping the body free of hair becoming more popular and in the media is my defence . If this is the situation may I cheekily raise a glass to the likes of David Beckham .......!!

[christine55]

Secrecy is one of the major causes of so much pain. I know

Hugs, Christine

[Loni]

I have a sneaky feeling that some men think that being married will suppress , or even possibly cure the desire to crossdress. Once the marital bliss sets in, then the desire slowly creeps back.

I'm not married, but the woman I'm involved with knows it, and likes my crossdressing....up to a point. Heck, I'm an artist....what do you expect?

"creeps" back in???more like slames down the front door and body slams you.:eek:

seeing my ex in something.....well i just had to try it on.:daydreaming:

[Nicola2876]

I'm sure my wife doesn't know as we're still together! She did say a few weeks ago that she might dress me up as a woman one day to which I replied "yeah if you want" thinking "YES PLEASE".

I think my sister in law has a clue as she noticed my shaved legs
years ago and we've had a couple of conversations where I've thought "yeah, she knows"

I've told one female friend but I no longer see her as I moved away. My therapist knows everything!

[Rogina B]

The stress that the "closeted,secret" CD person must endure seems overwhelming to me.I could never handle that in addition to the stresses of day to day living.Wanting to be feminine,or wear feminine clothesand finding the private time to,or constantly thinking about it,all the while keeping the secret deep inside..I think that is why internet forums are so popular and keep many from having a mental meltdown from holding in"the secret".:2c:

[Shari]

38 years together and she didn't know until I told her two years ago.

I was more shocked that she didn't know or even suspect, even more shocked than she was when I came out.

Another urban legend bites the dust. Women don't know everything.

[Nadia-Maria]

I believe that some people are better than others at keeping secrets, and I believe some things in certain occasions are better to be kept secret.

There is no unique rule valid for everybody and for every situations.

Anyway my ex-wife of 14 yrs never knew about it, and I thanks God everyday for having kept my old secret so secret to her.

[linnea]

Throughout my first marriage of nearly 35 years, my wife did not know (nor did anyone else). My (grown) daughter whom I told last summer confirmed that my first wife did not know based upon a recent conversation with her in which my daughter told my ex-wife (with my permission, by the way). My ex had a pretty calm response, but she was fascinated that I had kept the secret so long and so well.
There were a couple of times during that marriage when I thought that she might suspect but did not respond or inquire because she simply did not want to ask, thinking about how it might embarass me. Apparently, according to my daughter, that was not the case, but that is the reason why she told my daughter that she had no intention of responding to the news now.

[susie evans]

my wife has known since before we got married bur has just come to accept it in the last five years

:hugs: susie

[JenniferR771]

I too, thought marriage would "cure me". NO. I wanted to tell her anyway...but my wife was unaware until she caught me in her clothes after 25 years of marriage. Now she notices a lot--keeps checking my internet history--and asks why shopping takes so long. Not accepting--much--but does not complain (much) about the 8 dresses and 10 wigs in my closet.

[KarenHiller]

And I love that fact :) I'm know some women are a lot more observant than others, and some of us are better at hiding it. I thought I was good, but hiding so many things in shared house proved to be my downfall.

Karen

[Stitch]

I find it amazing and scary that someone could work on keeping such an active secret for longer than my lifetime. I'm only 23 so hearing that some of you have kept it under wraps for over 35 years just blows me away. That's a huge amount of time!

Keeping it hidden must be very challenging at times, especially since CDing is generally an action rather than something just kept in the brain.
It must be very hard to hide something that is such a big part of you for such a long time. It sounds very stressful. Now I don't condone secret keeping, but I do feel for you all.

[Joanne f]

A well kept secret by who, you or your SO "

[Barbara Dugan]

Nobody close to me knows about my secret but I suspect my mother thinks something is going on..mothers know you better

[Sally2005]

Well, yes and no. Not officially out except for halloweens and she has said she doesn't mind and we even have a lot of fun. She does think it is a little old news at times... now, i've done the whole long hair thing, long nails stuff like that off and on and she clearly wants me to appear male and she bugs me about it...'gee your nails are getting long' or 'you look like a girl from behind'...which I've learned to just respond, doesn't bother me (in reality though long hair is a pain, expecially when I need a wig due to male pattern on the temples and I keep busting my nails). With all the clues, I don't think she has put two and two together and given some suspicions she can't exactly prove anything so I'm sure she would keep it to herself. She also probably doesn't care too much to know about how much I'm in to this either.

[eluuzion]

Most marriage counselors and psychotherapists will tell you what you really "already know"... they just use the typical example of that "gut" feeling a spouse feels when they suspect a partner is being unfaithful. (by the way, it is almost always correct).

After living together for so many years, both partners develop that "sixth sense" aura. You know...same concept as "knowing" when your child is having difficulties, etc.

Actually, it has to do with kinesics and proxemics (body language). Most communication between humans is through non-verbal cues (over 90%).

They may not know the "specifics", but they can "feel" it.

Sometimes, it is just one of those "Santa Claus" pacts...where nobody acknowledges the obvious...:daydreaming:

[carolinoakland]

Well, in my case it was my mom. When I came out to her as a CD she already knew.And I was furious! All those years living in fear and terror... for what? Aparently nothing, It took me even more years before I divined the true meaning in that lesson. That you can't live your life in fear of what others think. Carol

[DaisyG]

My wife “discovered” my CDing after 35 years of marriage. By her utter and shocked surprise when she opened the door into the garage at 5:30 AM one morning to find me partially dressed, and by “the conversation” we had later that day, I am absolutely certain she did not have a clue.

Yes, it wasn’t easy keeping my secret. I had to be careful all those years. But sooner or later something “not in the script” is apt to pop up. In my case, our intercom had been temporarily disconnected during painting. That morning she awoke early. No intercom. So she had to come downstairs to tell me something. Suddenly she stood there in the doorway, when and where she wasn’t expected to be. OOPS! :eek:

At that time I was still a lost, isolated soul; I felt rather unique and couldn’t believe there were many other CDs. I hadn’t yet found this forum or other CD web sites. My closet was a place I’d go trying to sort out a crushing burden of shame and guilt. Probably the best answer I have for why I failed to tell my wife for all those years is that I was unable to understand myself. How can you explain to your loved one if you cannot explain to yourself?

We both learned a lot that day and in the following weeks. I was so fortunate to have a wife who could and did approach this with a non-judgmental attitude. Miraculously while her initial response was near total disapproval, together we came to understand how much a part of me CDing really is. She successively became neutral, accepting, and finally participating. In the final 4 years of her life, she actually wanted to watch Daisy working in the kitchen - - best when Daisy wears 4-inch sandals. She also insisted Daisy wear a frilly, feminine apron.

Thanks to this experience, and especially thanks to this forum and all the insight, knowledge and opinion posted here by a great bunch of CDs and GGs; if and when there’s a next time for me, things are going to be different. I’ve sure found out that early (before marriage) disclosure is the only right thing to do. And I have gotten a lot fuller appreciation of how much trust and communication are essential.

Surprises? They’re going to happen. I just hope that anyone who must go there can find understanding, relief and the chance to rebuild. PLEASE, no disasters!

Hugs, Daisy :hugs:

[Crysten]

I've been cd'ing since the age of three or four. So, my mother always knew - whether she thought it was a "stage" I was going through or whatever, she knew. And, I told my newly-met-soon-to-be wife on our third date - as well as dressing in front of her that same night!! I told her look - this is part of me, so either you accept it, or we have to part ways. IMO, better to be completely honest up front. Now, I DID wait about two weeks (having spent a significant amount of time with her outside of the "dates" before telling her). I didn't want her flipping out and telling everyone (I was in the military at the time, and so was she). You have to pick your accomplices carefully!!
While the cd'ing part of our relationship seems to be ok, there are a myriad of other factors in a relationship - if we end up splitting, cd'ing won't be the reason. Not that we're going to, but she has WAY more issues than I have (which I'm not going to get into here). The thing that's kept me around so long is that since she accepted me, it's difficult not to accept her. Lots and Lots and Lots of baggage.

[WandaRae2009]

My wife didn't have a clue for 23 years, until I told her almost 2 years ago. After we talked she said one thing made sense now.

About 12 years ago we were on a trip with a large group. Each night we had theme dinners. One was halloween. I was able to go as a woman. She commented that now it makes sense how much I was into it and how I must have enjoyed it. She was so right.

We are still in the stage of she wants nothing to do with it and doesn't want to see anything. But the biggest thing is the guilt from lying and sneaking around all those years is gone.

[SuzanneBender]

Our was a case of don't ask don't tell. We went 13 years without me telling her. She said she knew something was up but never wanted to ask for fear of what she would hear.

[danielle.cd]

i dont know if my wife actually new for a long time or not but there was one time about a year after we got married that she would mention about my butt and wished heres was like mine small, and i would say i wish mine was like hers, some how it got to talkin about how i would look better in her swimsuit than her and i showed her and she just laughed and took a picture and said i was right, now at this point was like the point at wich i figured ok i fit here clothes so this will be fun, after about three years i started to by a article of clothing here and there and put it on myside of the closet she never asked but kinda ignored it and carried on about a year after that i would leave a little makup laying around and still nothing, i got my ears peirced one at a time and she didnt say anything till later that year, one day i was dressed when she was getting in bed (normally i do it after shes asleep cause i was a night owl) and came into the room and asked if she liked what i was wereing, she sighed and said it was ok but then she went to bed, now she wasnt mad or sad but i talked to her later about it and she said she new i was doing it because here clothes were always messed up and she seen my stuff but didnt say nothing she doesnt really care what i do with my time on mytime cause shes going to bed, she also commented that i look totaly different and its weird talking to me when im dressed not sure how to take this,
she seems ok with it now and we joke about fashion when were in the stores shopping but its like our secret that we both share kinda cool brings us toghether in that aspect

[bobbiepoly]

Kathi is so right your wife or SO knows something is going on, my wife
has known for 25 years and still complains about any changes in me
or my habits, and when she gets the feeling I am keepimg something
from her she watches more, if you can open to your SO and they
accept somewhat it is much less stressful.

[SamanthaS]

Your are very lucky hon.

[Jaydee]

My wife of 33 years claims she had no clue until I came out to her a few months ago, even though there were plenty of hints. Like my wearing plain black panties for several years. She didn't think anything of it. But now that she knows, she is very aware of what I am wearing, even though I have never dressed in front of her. She now notices that I wear femme jeans, the same jeans style I have been wearing for 4 years, and it now bothers her that I wear them in public.

Being out to her is a relief in that I no longer have a fear of making a mistake, and ensuring that my stash is properly secured. On the other hand, I am no longer in control of what happens with respect to my CDing, or how she will react as it all sinks in. That is my new fear. Before I always felt as if I was the one in control.

Jaydee

[ILV2DRESS]

My wife has to know but chooses not to say anything. I put my panties in the wash thing and G stings that she doesnt wear. and I alway get them back all cleaned and in my drawer with the 75 other pairs I have. I also keep all my clothes in my colset dresses,skirts,blouses,shoes, everrything. i have been leaving stuff out to see if she says anything to me but she hasnt yet. I even wore a pair of tights and a thong to bed a few times..

[kiratvx]

I think it depends on how often you do it and whether you leave "evidence" around.

For some it is the risk of being found out that adds to the excitement of doing it. Nearly been caught a few times and that really scares me.

[Danielle Gee]

I kept my secrect for about he first ten years of a forty year marriage.

I have to say the CDing was more "exciting" when I was in the closet. It was much more sexual then !!!!

[KateW]

My wife knows and is very supportive of it. Admitting it was very difficult but ultimately one of the best risks I have ever made.

[sissystephanie]

Secrecy has always been a problem with me, since I believe very strongly in truth!

I lost my darling wife to cancer 4 1/2 years ago. We had been married just 4 months shy of 50 years! I told her about my being a CD before we married! She accepted me "as is,' and we wore matching silk lingerie to our wedding!

One reason we had such a good relationship was that I never had any desire to actually be a woman. I was very happy to be her husband and the father of two children. But I also liked to wear skirts, dresses, and other feminine things! She had no problem with that and even helped me in any way she could. But we did not tell the children during her lifetime. I told them last year, and they are O.K. with it as long as I don't dress openly around them!

My experience is why I tell other CD's to tell their wives ASAP. Otherwise, you are living a lie! That is not fair to either one of you!!

[Dee2U]

My wife sometimes pokes at me, only half in jest about whether I am having affairs with someone else. She thinks sometimes it might be a man; or a woman. She just knows that something is wrong. I guess it is because I am not often interested in sex with her. When we were young it was easier, but now I make love to her out of duty and because I love her. F*ing just isnt that interesting. In a roundout way my point is that sometimes our SO may know that something is wrong but can only guess based on what they can imagine is the problem. I hinted and spoke to the issue of transgender and crossdressing many many years ago and was rebuffed.

I know she suffers, but so do I. I do my best to be a man for her. But I am not. What we have left sexually is sparse but I am glad we love each other truly. Those of us in the closet with our SO worry and so we should but we should not assume that anyone can read our minds...DN