Scared

[Lisalove1976]

I wonder.... my wife knows about my dressing ans she doesn't really care... she wont get involved in it and doesn't like taking pictures BUT she knows and accepts it... the problem is that I still find it hard to tell her that I bought a new dress or makeup or earings ect... do any of you ahve the same feeling? I usually feel guilty about spending on me...

[sissystephanie]

Lisa, she is your wife and as such is entitled to know what is going on. But buying things for yourself is something she probably does herself. If this is true, then there is no reason for you to be concerned! Unless your purchases decrease the amount of money available to buy more important things for the household!

Take a good look at what you buy, the available household income, and then decide if your purchases are really necessary! But keep her in the loop, since she already knows that you do CD!! Don't be scared about it, you are just doing what all girls do!!

[Kerigirl2009]

Oh yes I know what you mean. I am in the same postion you are as in my wife knows and she is tolerant. However she did get upset with me when she found out I purchased a new pair of jeans.
For me it is not that I had to tell her I was wrong in assuming that I could talk to her about any purchases that I wanted to make for Keri.
And yes I still feel sort of out of place if I am changing into my sleep shorts and she walks in and I am standing in my panties. This is a feeling of not embarrassment but "I don't want to upset her because she does not like to see me dressed. Someday I may get over it when I can sense that she is ok with me as me. :)

[Lisalove1976]

You are so much like me Keri .... She walked in on me one day asfter work... I was changing and had my shirt off... no bra but the marks were still visible... my reaction was to hid my (non existant) boobs like a real woman would do if someone walked in on her!

Hey Stephanie,
I an very carefull that way... I never spend what I can't afford but still feel guilty when I do... sort of sucks that way.

[sallyjones]

first of all, when dealing with a SO, is that the emotion that you feel for them does not change. you love her and apparently she loves you. so tell her more and more your feeling towards her and it somehow get recipacated.

[Lisalove1976]

nicely said... I really should open up more....

[AllieSF]

I guess that I also favor opening up more to your SO. I just hate to read the "don't ask, don't tell" threads hear about CD's and their SO's. It is so sad, restricting and frustrating for both parties, where direct and open conversation would help both so much. I am not talking about a waterfall of info and conversation. However, maybe if you get your nails done at a salon and they use a clear or matt finish, you could comment how nice it is to not have your male cuticles ripping a bit and being sore (like mine sometimes do) ever since you started the manicures. I think you need to pick and choose what you want to share with her and make it an only once in awhile short conversation. As a door opener to your femme activities, purchases, etc. maybe get into a short conversation with her about her purchases, etc.. Anyway you do it, good luck and congratulations on having a tolerant spouse.

[Brandi Wyne]

For me it's having a wife that must suspect, doesn't actually KNOW and yet will often make comments to me.

I have strong nails and she doesn't. I went to the nail shop and got a manicure/pedicure. I only had clear polish put on so as not to be too overt about it. What does she say? "Your nails are longer than mine now." She has poor nails and won't wear synthetic nails so hers are always short. I made some special polish that has a very small amount of red in clear so there is the slightest pink hue. I put that on my toe nails after the pedicure. She says, "Did you have them painted pink?" I shave my body below the eyebrows so I just finished a round of hair removal and she loves stroking my legs but says, "I'd be ok with it if you let it grow out." I let it all grow out (yuch!) for a whole week. I felt like some sort of cacti and she must have noticed, too. After I shaved all smooth again, she offered to oil my legs, etc.

Go figure. I guess we're overdue for "that" conversation but I have the strong gut feeling of where it will go. Well, this is TMI so I'll jus say, "thanks" for all your comments.

Hugs:hugs:

[Dutchess]

This is a feeling of not embarrassment but "I don't want to upset her because she does not like to see me dressed. Someday I may get over it when I can sense that she is ok with me as me. :)

This kind of thing goes on at my house too and I am perfectly OK with his dressing , even encouraging. You know , we go to every Goodwill/garage sale togrether in the area , I do his face /hair /take pics if he wants, whatever. Keri is right ,, I see that IS him being him/herself.. Yet he rarely if ever changes in front of me. We have had an older teen move back home and he has not worn his nightgown in several days and I asked if there were something wrong ,, I missed him in his gown .. I agree with other posters though about how frustrating it must be to have to keep something like this hidden. I understand though ,, from some you ,, that sometimes you just have to .

[NicoleScott]

She knows and accepts but doesn't participate. My situation is just that way. If she doesn't want to know about it, why push it? A lot of times, being straight up about all the details of our cd activities is the right thing to do. In some cases, though, Don't Ask Don't Tell is the best policy. Remember, there's two parts to Don't Ask Don't Tell. If she knows but declines to ASK, that's your clue not to TELL. There's a difference between being discrete and being deceptive. She wants discretion, so give it to her.

[Lisalove1976]

wow so amny different opinions...

Never thought that CD desisions were so complicated!

[minalost]

I wonder.... my wife knows about my dressing ans she doesn't really care... she wont get involved in it and doesn't like taking pictures BUT she knows and accepts it... the problem is that I still find it hard to tell her that I bought a new dress or makeup or earings ect... do any of you ahve the same feeling? I usually feel guilty about spending on me...

Lisa, I know what you mean.

While my wife now knows about my crossdressing, she didn't for years. And even though she knows about it now, she hasn't ever approved, or wanted to be involved in my dressing up. So, I'm suck in the situation of not wanting to put it "in her face" and having the habbit of hiding it. She's also the tightest woman I know when it comes to money.

The end result is that I don't tell her about my feminine item purchases. It helps that I never use money that should be spent on the family budget, but I sometimes feel like I'm still in the closet.

I do believe that honesty is the best policy. If you hide anything in a relationship you risk damaging it. But it's hard to rock the boat if it's not sinking!
:2c:


She knows and accepts but doesn't participate. My situation is just that way. If she doesn't want to know about it, why push it? A lot of times, being straight up about all the details of our cd activities is the right thing to do. In some cases, though, Don't Ask Don't Tell is the best policy. Remember, there's two parts to Don't Ask Don't Tell. If she knows but declines to ASK, that's your clue not to TELL. There's a difference between being discrete and being deceptive. She wants discretion, so give it to her.

Seams like good advice from Nicole too.

[RADER]

Next time you get say some jewerly for your self, why not get something
for her also. Not the exact same thing, but something that SHE would like.
A little extra goe's a long way. It worked for me. Rader :)

[melissacd]

Just be your authentic self. Talk to her about how you feel, what your concerns are, that you care about her feelings, that you love her and getting her feedback is important to you. Engage her in a dialog so that you can get to a place where you have a clear understanding of what both your needs are and how you handle them in a way that works for both of you. The ideas that you are getting here should help you in formulating the discussion that you have with her.

[Lisalove1976]

Thanks for all your suggestions... I guess trying to open up more might help...and she say's she wants to know so as they say "be carefull what you ask for"

Thanks girls..

[Chrissy8888]

I have to agree with what allot of the other girls said. If she is not real comfortable with the whole thing but accepting just tread lightly. As long as you aren’t out spending money that you don’t have you might be better off just telling her you bought clothing so as to not drive a wedge of uncomfort between you. By that I mean to the point where she feels the CD side of you has taken over and she no longer has her man.

[Leslie Langford]

Next time you get say some jewerly for your self, why not get something
for her also. Not the exact same thing, but something that SHE would like.
A little extra goe's a long way. It worked for me. Rader :)

I have much better taste in women's clothes than my wife does, and many is the time that I have come across something while shopping for my femme wardrobe that would look terrific on her (IMHO, anyway), and that I would love to buy for her.

But one of the "don't ask, don't tell" rules in our house regarding my crossdressing is that I am not to buy her any article of women's clothing for fear that I am purchasing the same thing in my size for me to wear, and that would just be too "creepy" for her.

The frustrating part about this whole thing is that she is jealous of my female wardrobe and complains about the amount of time and money I spend to grow it. Yet at the same time, she hates shopping and is generally reluctant to spend money on herself when it comes to clothes.

Damned if I do, and damned if I don't...:doh::sad:

[sherri52]

As long as you don't get extravagant in your femme clothing that you don't wear out, she shouldn't complain. This is something you enjoy and you should be entitled to spend a little for it. She no doubt spends money on something she enjoys.

[Tina2]

My wife is understanding, but I think she is still uncomfortable with my dressing. The other day she said not to buy any more clothes because we don't have enough space. She also said I can't underdress to work anymore because she see my panties at home too often and is afraid people at work see them there.

I like shopping the 90% off racks a Kohl's. I have zero guilt about spending $4 on a denim skirt (although buying clothes after my wife asked me not to would trigger guilt).

[marlacd]

I'm kinda in the same position. You might try taking your wife out and buying something for her. And not shop for yourself. At least it may show her that you care enough for her by taking a back seat to your own needs. It just may make her feel special, too

[Lisalove1976]

For some reason she is just too complicated...

She doesn't like the secrets... so I tell her...she gets upset at what I tell her... so I keep secrets....

WOW what a vicious circle!

[Cathytg]

You know, I feel that same way. I guess that's because I have held my CDing so closely all my life. I it is only in the past few years that I have been able to express myself openly. We were married four years ago and my wife is wonderful and supportive. Still, I find myself tending toward being secretive for no reason at all.

I say I tend to be secretive. At the end of the day, I tell all to her as she deserves. There is a difference between wanting to be secretive and actually behaving that way. Acknowledging that difference and acting accordingly is what makes it work.

[Katesback]

From a GG SO's point of view (have had this conversation many times with SOs) there is an issue with spending money on clothing that they see as unnessary.

They typically mention to me that they find it frustrating that thier husband has and continues to build this wardrobe of clothing that of which they see as being worn .05% of the time, and never outside the house. Please note that this is not my opinion.

I think that this perspective can be translated into many other scenerios. Say for example I was married to a man who owned a car. One day he tells me he likes Corvettes and wants to start a collection. Well from my standpoint I would have an issue with him spending all that money buying a bunch of cars since from my perspective a car is something that does not hold its value and it is work to keep them, and owning one car serves all your needs!

I doubt my perspective is going to change so the question comes about how do you come to a common ground? Maybe he should just buy one Corvette? Ya see where this whole thing could go and really there is no resolution.

Perhaps the best approach is to each have an allowance. You spend your allowance on whatever ya wish and she spends her's on her desires.

[sonia_dargency]

She doesn't like the secrets... so I tell her...she gets upset at what I tell her... so I keep secrets....


Me too, she sort of knows but does not know what exactly, I try to open up but she does not want to talk about it, yet she is sort of curious.

It is a fact that she is very insecure about her own feminity and I think she is a bit upset that would look better than her.

She loves my sensitive side but shuts down when she remembers that it implies me wearing girl's stuff.

I would love to show her what I (secretly) bought but I am afraid she freaks out, so I keep it hidden but I hate to hide from her.

I do my best to inch out with mini-conversations when I can...

I also agree that getting rid of her for just for crossdressing would be rather selfish and non-constructive.

Sonia

[DonnaT]

My wife doesn't really like to talk about it, and does get upset when I purchase something fem.

If I tell her I bought something, she gets upset. If I buy something and don't tell her, and then she finds out, she gets upset. Catch 22.

If I wear something she hasn't seen in a while, she'll accuse me of going shopping again, even though I rarely go shopping, since the closets are overflowing now, and when I do shop it's usually for something on sale.

When we are out together she has no problem if I want to buy something.

It really makes no sense.

And I don't ask her to account for everything she buys.

[Lisalove1976]

I don't believe the money is the issue...lots of my stuff comes from Craigslist of Freecycle so it's free or cheap, she was a stay at home mom for many years and we always had money for the necessities... now she has gone back to work and money isn't as tight and she spends PLENTY on non essentials.

Not sure where she is on all this.

[Katesback]

How about considering your CD aspects a hobby and not including her in your hobby. I am sure she has her own hobbys that you take no part in.

[Lisalove1976]

It is a hobby... but like I said before... she doesn't like the secrets.. get's mad when I tell her... I stop telling her... she get'a mad cause of the secrets...ect...ect...ect....

:(

[Tamara Croft]

She gets mad because she's not accepting and the more stuff you buy, the more (in her eyes) you're pushing it in her face. It's like any hobby, if your partner doesn't like it, or isn't involved in anyway, they are going to feel left out, probably because they feel your hobby is more important. You need to work on her accepting or at least trying to accept it, because it's not going to go away and it's not fair that you should feel this way everytime you buy something.

Can you not ask her to join this board? or speak to me via email? or any of the GG's here? You have to sort it out, things like this escalate into hatred, I've seen it too often in all kinds of relationships, not just cd ones.

[Katesback]

I now will tell you that the behaviors being exhibited by her are indicative of needing therapy.

You both should go to therapy but dont be surprised if she goes more often. Now if she does not go........then ya both continue to suffer till someone does something..................

[Lisalove1976]

Ya I hear that alot lately... I was in therepy last year and when I'd come out of my sessions she wanted me to tell her what went on... so I'd tell her and she would often wish she hadn't... She told me before starting that if I went I needed to tell the therapist EVERYTHING...and I did right down to the "sometimes wanting to be a women" but she didn't like the idea that I was so open with the therapist...go figure.

Tamara Yes I have thought about getting her to join but I'm worried about some of the postings I've made might make her mad.

[Tamara Croft]

Tamara Yes I have thought about getting her to join but I'm worried about some of the postings I've made might make her mad.Well, they can be removed. As for the therapy comment, why is it when someone is acting a certain way, they need therapy? I mean come on, she needs someone to talk to, but not necessarily thrown into therapy. Lisa, do you think she would talk to me via email? Does she know you're a member of a CD site? I mean, if she doesn't know, she'd want to know where you know me from, but if she does, then perhaps I can be someone she would talk to or even yell at :D

[Lisalove1976]

about a site I visit but she doesn't really know it's this one.. is there anyway to see the posts and replies that I have made? if so I could review them before telling her... As for therapy... I was the one in Therapy...trying to come to term with who I am. We had a discussion yesterday and she is convienced that I have more time for this then her and the kids, I tried to explain to het that the time I spend on line if company time and not taken away fromm them but she's convienced I'm wrong.

I mentioned to het that myself and another CD (friend) meet a new CD for lunch on Wednesday...I used the word "we" being that we were two but she keeps saying that "we" is like a couple thing... I don't get it. I am not in a relationship with anyone else... don't plan of being in one... and am ready to give up.

I will suggest that she talk to you (and really appreciate it) but am not hopefull she will acept..she will want to know why I'm discussing this with total strangers... not that I think you are.

Let me know about the postings.

Thanks

[PretzelGirl]

Lisa - Click on your name in the upper right corner where it says welcome. Then you can click on the tab labeled "statistics". Right there you should see a link titled "Find all posts by Lisalove1976".

[Lisalove1976]

Thanks... I'll go check

[jacques]

hello,
my wife knows that I dress and does not mind. Now the children have left home I can dress on an evening. my wife must know that I go shopping - but I can never find the courage to tell what I have bought. I don't know why.
luv Jacques

[Presh GG]

Maybe ask her if she would like to go shopping with you?
Kind of ease into shareing the experiance.


And Your wife can't do any better than talking with Tamara
Good luck
Presh GG