Fear

[Kate Simmons]

I hesitated to post this but I figured I'd throw it out there anyway. I notice with many folks there is a lot of fear involved with TG and CD issues. While I understand the implications of being "outed" for some, I don't understand the apparent mistrust shown sometimes and the obvious "backing off" when someone extends the hand of friendship or wishes to help. You would think that would not be an issue here but I've been dropped and ignored by many folks for this very reason it seems.

I guess sometimes it is the excitement of meeting a kindred spirit that produces the initial flush and enthusiasm of friendship but then some folks seem to have second thoughts and put it in "reverse" or "park". I never try to push anyone into anything and really my goal is to put others at ease so they can see I'm exactly who I say I am. I will not kiss anyone's backside, however, and just tell them what they want to hear. Anyone who knows me from the Forum knows I sometimes ask deep and/or pointed questions. That is mainly to get folks to think so that when the euphoria wears off we are able to deal with reality and be comfortable with being who we are as a person. I don't go shouting from the rooftops who I am nor do I expect others to do that but am not overly upset if someone finds out and it's not the end of the world one way ot the other.

In any case, as frustrating as all of this can be at times I don't intend to give up but will continue to extend my friendship to others. If nothing else, it gives me more experience with being patient. Being TG tends to make one somewhat cloistered and that seems to be the general nature of the beast for many. We may not be able to allay others' fears entirely maybe but in the long run our efforts can make them feel a bit better and that's not bad I guess.:)

[Tamara Croft]

I think a lot of people like living in their little bubble and anything outside of that bubble scares them to death. Even if you think you're helping, most folks don't want to hear anything they don't agree with, which is a shame. You are a good person, don't ever stop trying to help people :bh:

[kellycan27]

Denise
I feel pretty much the same way. You and I don't agree on some issues (probably a lot) but I do enjoy your thought provoking posts.

:hugs:

kelly

[Joanne f]

I am scared of friendships as i simply do not know how to handle them, no doubt due to the fact that i have always felt different and always seam to find a way of saying the wrong thing at the wrong times , still i feel that i have only one that really dislikes me (only one you say ):heehee: and a few that just prefer to avoid me but i can understand what you are saying and i am sure that you will keep trying as you are that sort of person (open and friendly) so keep it up Denise. ( that's my good version did not dare to put what i really thought as i will leave in my own time) just joking( or am i)

[LisaKarenAZ]

Don't give up reaching out, Denise.

Let me give you my perspective.
I am afraid of making new friends in the CD/TG realm.
Why you ask?
Well, this is all very new to me having so many others that are experiencing the same issues, quetions, and feelings as I am. I have been in the closet for over 30 years and haven't had anyone to talk to about this. As a matter of fact, I have just started to come to terms and feel comfortable with who I really am.

I have spent the majority of my life either trying to escape or hide my feminine side. Now others want to help me embrace it? Sounds exciting, but it's all happening so fast. Now I have new questions. Am I really as okay with myself as I thought? Will I be able to open up far enough to trust others with this when I can barely trust myself?
What will my family think of my spending time with new friends that they haven't, and most likely won't, meet? I've always been a bit of a loner with few friends. My wife will have questions about new friends.

So, you see, it's not necessarily a problem with you or your offer of friendship. Those you're reaching out to may be having trouble getting to that level yet.

Love and hugs!

[Kate Simmons]

Denise
I feel pretty much the same way. You and I don't agree on some issues (probably a lot) but I do enjoy your thought provoking posts.

:hugs:

kellyEven if we don't agree on a lot of things, I have a lot of respect for you Kelly and your feelings on things.Don't ever think differently. I guess it's because we are both our own person and that goes a very long way with me. Even if we agree to disagree, I think that is cool my friend.;):hugs:

[melissacd]

Denise,

It is the nature of our world. You are a good person and a good friend. The problem is that many cross dressers are so deep in the closet and fearful that they jump at their own shadow. Nothwithstanding this response from some, it is good that you persevere because you do ask thought provoking questions, you are helpful to others, you are a good listener, you are a good person and you are a good friend - never doubt any of this.

Huggs
Melissa

[kellycan27]

Even if we don't agree on a lot of things, I have a lot of respect for you Kelly and your feelings on things.Don't ever think differently. I guess it's because we are both our own person and that goes a very long way with me. Even if we agree to disagree, I think that is cool my friend.;):hugs:

Ditto! way cool :hugs:

Kel

[Nikki A.]

As one of the first people that I met personally on the forum, I say go girl. Like you said, some people are afraid to make contact, but in the long run they are the losers.
Sorry I couldn't meet up with u last week, hope it was fun and we'll get together soon.

[danielle.cd]

Don't give up reaching out, Denise.

Let me give you my perspective.
I am afraid of making new friends in the CD/TG realm.
Why you ask?
Well, this is all very new to me having so many others that are experiencing the same issues, quetions, and feelings as I am. I have been in the closet for over 30 years and haven't had anyone to talk to about this. As a matter of fact, I have just started to come to terms and feel comfortable with who I really am.

I have spent the majority of my life either trying to escape or hide my feminine side. Now others want to help me embrace it? Sounds exciting, but it's all happening so fast. Now I have new questions. Am I really as okay with myself as I thought? Will I be able to open up far enough to trust others with this when I can barely trust myself?
What will my family think of my spending time with new friends that they haven't, and most likely won't, meet? I've always been a bit of a loner with few friends. My wife will have questions about new friends.

So, you see, it's not necessarily a problem with you or your offer of friendship. Those you're reaching out to may be having trouble getting to that level yet.

Love and hugs!

i feel the same as you do and i think the only person that will be able to really help would be a therapist

[Katesback]

This is the internet. Anyone can be anything they want to be. I like to say I am transSpecies and that I am in transition to becomming a zebra. I then say I have my stripes but am looking for SRS to get the correct zebra parts.

What I am getting at is I suspect a numbrer of people probably are nothing more than voyers, admirerers, or whatever.

Katie

[docrobbysherry]

Being a total "guy" until my 50's, I've gotten used to that rule! Guys don't tend to discuss deep, personal feelings with other guys! And, I can't think of ANYTHING more personal than my dressing!:eek:

During my first year here, a few members wanted to meet me. I'm sorry to say, I pushed them away! I had NEVER met a CD to that point. Back then, I felt a certain "ICK" factor, when I thot about meeting another CD in person!:brolleyes:

[suchacutie]

Is it as simple as the fact that some do not want to expand the circle of confidents, no matter who they may be? irl that is.

tina

[sherri52]

We all have our own thought process. We may not agree with each other in some of our thinking but the truth be told. We are who we are. No one can take that away from you and maybe just maybe you will get someone to see something your way

[Nicole Erin]

TG people can be hard to deal with. I have had a few over the years that I would hang out with or talk to on a regular basis but people come and go.

It does seem like making good friends in the community would be easier though. The TG thing is one less obstacle, a sister is never going to ask why you shave yoru legs or wear girl pants.

I just think the mentalities of a lot of TG makes things hard. They don't want to be outed by association or period or whatever. Or yeah just being afraid

I admit I am not the best at hanging onto friendships. Like some folks, yes I was the odd kid out often or the one getting laughed at or picked on, and it just kind of got to the point where even if it hurts, I am more-less used to having to entertain myself.

For being in the TG community in real life, I used to be into it a lot more. I have seen about all kinds of TG, and some of them are flat out scary. The first ones I knew scared me but I kept on trying. I can't imagine if some new to the scene TG was out trying to make friends and getting torn apart by some of the clubber TG out there who are really messed up.

People just come and go and no one really gives a poop.

[Andy66]

Maybe people just want to move at their own pace or focus on issues of their own choosing. Sometimes they just want to be listened to, not "fixed."

[Brina Halloween]

I am scared of friendships as i simply do not know how to handle them, no doubt due to the fact that i have always felt different and always seam to find a way of saying the wrong thing at the wrong times , still i feel that i have only one that really dislikes me (only one you say ):heehee: and a few that just prefer to avoid me but i can understand what you are saying and i am sure that you will keep trying as you are that sort of person (open and friendly) so keep it up Denise. ( that's my good version did not dare to put what i really thought as i will leave in my own time) just joking( or am i)

I can relate. this was probably me as a teenager and early 20's. Still not the most confident, outgoing person but, I do make friends easier now.

For the original question, I am only in a REALLY outgoing mode a few times a year. Otherwise, I tend not to be too adventurous meeting new people. I already have a circle of friends I am having rouble keeping up with since I live an hour away from most of them. Some month I hope to make a meeting of the one Indy group but, I would probably appear to be one of your "with-drawn" people, even if I had a great time meeting them. I don't even attend all the social dances I want to, let alone other things.

Brina

[sometimes_miss]

I've had numerous online contacts asking if I wanted to meet, and other times asked if I would like to go to CD meetings. My problem: I don't trust males. I was abused by a male, beaten by many others, and in my friendships with men I was often lied to and taken advantage of. So despite the outer 'feminine shell' here, I know that inside, what I am dealing with is just another male. It's nothing personal; I've just had too many bad experiences with men, and many were caused by innate male competitiveness. Fear? While in general, I'm no longer physically afraid of anyone, I don't see any reason to risk exposing myself to either verbal or physical abuse if I don't have to.

[jessikasummerfox]

Because there is so much stigma attached to MtF crossdressing, I think it's only natural to be cautious. Sometimes, there is a lot of real world consequences to opening up to someone. Consequences that you aren't necessarily ready for, or equipped to handle.

I can appreciate a kind person with a sincere willingness to help. The right word and gesture can be very touching. But I may not be willing to take that risk of trust just yet, for a variety of complicated emotional reasons. I can appreciate that the people here have worked hard to make crossdressers.com a safe place, but some people just may not be there just yet. It's certainly not personal.

[Fab Karen]

Well we just do our best to encourage others- at least we have planted seeds that may someday grow & blossom.

[Carroll]

When it comes to fear, I always seam to have a song that comes to my mind.
The Weapon By Rush

We've got nothing to fear...but fear itself
Not pain, not failure, not fatal tragedy
Not the faulty units in this mad machinery
Not the broken contacts in emotional chemistry

With an iron fist in a velvet glove
We are sheltered under the gun
In the glory game on the power train
Thy kingdom's will be done

And the things that we fear are a weapon to be held against us...

He's not afraid of your judgment
He knows of horrors worse than your Hell
He's a little bit afraid of dying
But he's a lot more afraid of your lying

And the things that he fears are a weapon to be held against him...

Can any part of life be larger than life?
Even love must be limited by time
And those who push us down that they might climb
Is any killer worth more than his crime?

Like a steely blade in a silken sheath
We don't see what they're made of
They shout about love, but when push comes to shove
They live for the things they're afraid of

And the knowledge that they fear is a weapon to be used against them...

[melissacd]

Maybe people just want to move at their own pace or focus on issues of their own choosing. Sometimes they just want to be listened to, not "fixed."

These are excellent points Anne...!

In terms of the ...moving at your own pace...and I am sure that this is a typical story to what others experience. I started dressing at 10 years old. I came out to my first wife before we were married and while she accepted, she did not like it. I Came out to second wife after 15 years together. She freaked out and was never the same after that. It took 10 years after that disclosure to finally end the relationship. During the last two years together I started to go out in public to events organized by a local support group. During the last two years that I have been separated I have gone from dabbling to living almost full time femme.

My pace was slow in the first 48 years but has really picked up speed and momentum in the last few. Sometimes it is easy to forget that there was once a time in my life when fear reigned supreme. But like anything, when you try a step and nothing bad happens you learn that the fear was overblown. I had a great fear of those reaching out and offering friendship and help. It took quite a while before I was willing to meet other cross dressers face to face - but in the end I did and all went well and it was one of the best things tat I did to move my evolution along.

Each at their own pace, each with a different set of goals, each with a different level of risk tolerance.

It is easy to think that everyone else within the community is the same. In wanting to mentor others it is easy to want to try and fix (a masculine behaviour) rather than just listen (a feminine behaviour).

Thanks for pointing this out. Point well taken.

Melissa

[Rianna Humble]

I am someone who needs to take things slowly with regard to friendship. I guess in part this is due to past hurts, but I don't like to push people away once I have begun to offer them my friendship.

I feel that it is a good thing that you don't just tell people what they want to hear - that goes for Nicole too. Someone once said that friends will be there to encourage you, but only your true friends will warn you before you do something that will cause you grief in the long term.

I know sometimes it can be frustrating, but don't give up on offering the hand of friendship, there are those of us who appreciate you and we probably don't tell you often enough.

[Miranda09]

I understand what you're saying Denise, and it is an issue of patience with many people. Some tend to build a wall around themselves when it comes to meeting someone new, and often it's a hard wall to knock down. I don't think it's a reflection on the people who are extending a hand in friendship. I think it's more a condtion from past experiences or they're just very shy. In any case, I think given time, people eventually open up. For me, I love meeting new people. In fact, I have met a few from this forum and had a wonderful time with them. My propblem is meeting someone enfemme. I'm like a scared rabbit who's peeking her nose out of the den for the first time. It feels exciting, but still very scary, so the times I have met others, it's been in drab mode, or I just backed out of the meeting all together, and I always regret doing so. I know it would have been a great experience. One day I'll "man-up" (so to speak) and get myself out there. I'm getting closer, but there's still a wall or two to break down!! :)

[linnea]

Because of people like you, Denise, and many others (some of whom have already responded to your post), I have gained insight, confidence, and understanding about myself and about the transgendered world.
I came into this feeling very excited but cautious. I have been grateful for the comments and discussion, the offers of support, and the encouragement. Sometimes these were directed and offered toward me; at other times, the discussion was broader and other-directed. I felt that I gained from almost all of it. I feel that even more so now because you and others have persisted in LISTENING and RESPONDING TRUTHFULLY and EXPRESSING OPINIONS THOUGHTFULLY.
My long experience had been secretive and obsessively cautious because I was fearful of exposure. Though I have now come out to close family and a few friends, I am still very careful.
But I have grown to appreciate the administrative staff on this forum, the friends I have made, and the community members like yourself who have persisted.
Thank you.

[Kate Simmons]

Thanks to everyone who has responded so far. This is exactly what I was hoping for. By understanding ourselves and our feelings, we understand the overall process more along with community dynamics. I do pose thinking questions sometimes but that is so we can all utilize some introspection. I have a sense of humor as well though as I don't take myself that seriously and Denise is really a matter-of -fact part of myself that fits in quite nicely. It goes both ways in any case and I appreciate all of the heartfelt expressions of everyone here.:)

[Frédérique]

I guess sometimes it is the excitement of meeting a kindred spirit that produces the initial flush and enthusiasm of friendship but then some folks seem to have second thoughts and put it in "reverse" or "park". I never try to push anyone into anything and really my goal is to put others at ease so they can see I'm exactly who I say I am

Thanks for being who you are, Denise. Your thoughts and experiences parallel my own – I’ve come to terms with the flighty nature of a few birds here. It’s nice to meet a few people, even if they eventually “back off” and leave me wondering what happened. Members come and go, depending on what they require from the site (I suppose). :idontknow: Even I drift from time to time, but I never seriously think about terminating my presence here. Just embracing the impermanence of relationships or discussion gives me a sense of freedom, so I just keep walking this path, hoping to meet more of my fellow crossdressing “pilgrims” along the way…:battingeyelashes:

[Kate Simmons]

I know Freddie. Sometimes I think being here is really one of my purposes in life. You don't know how many times I've wanted to pack it in but just about then, someone makes a comment that shows me they "get it". That in itself is motivation to keep going.:)

[2b.Lauren]

Being a total "guy" until my 50's, I've gotten used to that rule! Guys don't tend to discuss deep, personal feelings with other guys! And, I can't think of ANYTHING more personal than my dressing!:eek:

During reading the initial thread and then other posts to follow I was wondering if this direction would be suggested. As usual DRC is right in there and IMHO right on. This has sort of been my approach minus the fact that for a guy I find myself pretty open and willing to share feelings. Except my dressing. I just think that as guys go we are also not willing to be vulnerable and take certain risks and it is a huge undertaking to avail yourself. The stigma is also huge and no matter what, we all have limits as to what we will do or discuss about our dressing. Being true to yourself is very much important. I applaud you for doing that and taking the risk.

[melissacd]

I was listening to a documentary on the CBC (Canadian Broadcast Corporation) and I found the topic so relevant. The show was playing back various interviews that were done regarding homosexuality starting with interviews in 1959.

It was amazing to me, but I suppose not to those who lived through this, how the ideas about homosexuality changed over the years. Back then they were talking about it being a sickness that you could be cured of, they were saying that gays were a menace to society and the natural order of things, that they should be locked up and so on. Even the doctors interviewed had very draconian thinking about this.

I bring this up because it really brings in to perspective all of the fears and concerns that we have. What changed, activism, research, education, dialog such as we are having now. In time people began to understand better the nature of being gay. We are no different in that we need to take those steps to educate, be there in the world, be confident that this is who we are, to do our best to cast aside the fears.

Yes I know it is not easy and it does take time and each at their own pace. I just want all to take heart that this kind of dialog and the things that each of us do helps to pave the path where the fears that we have will dissipate. Friendships, discussion, mentoring, whatever it is that we can offer each other makes us a stronger and more visible community and that in the end will help us all.

Melissa

[Rianna Humble]

I just think that as guys go we are also not willing to be vulnerable and take certain risks and it is a huge undertaking to avail yourself. The stigma is also huge and no matter what, we all have limits as to what we will do or discuss about our dressing.

I agree with you, Le Rosbif would not have made himself vulnerable enough to share intimate details about his life. Luckily for me, Rianna is willing to take the risk.

And the rewards for being willing to make ourselves vulnerable and accept the potential stigma can be great even though it can be a daunting path on which to embark.

I am definitely not saying that it is right for everyone, but being prepared to come out and be open about our crossdressing can be a positive experience and may just help to make it easier for the next person.

[minalost]

I think most crossdressers tend to be shy. They are also understandable afraid: afraid of being outed, abused, tricked, or ridiculed. Life teaches those of us who are different to BE afraid - and not just crossdressers!

All this being said I repeat what a number of our sisters have already said: keep reaching out. Even if some of us don't reach back we greatly appriciate the effort.

And one day we may reach back!

:hugs:

[Andy66]

I think it would be fun to meet people from this and other websites in person. Unfortunately, more often than not, the other person gets the wrong idea. I've been asked things like, how big are my boobs, what do I like in bed, etc. :eek: :( And all I wanted to do was meet for lunch or coffee. WTF?! Makes a person kind of suspicious.

[docrobbysherry]

I think it would be fun to meet people from this and other websites in person. Unfortunately, more often than not, the other person gets the wrong idea. I've been asked things like, how big are my boobs, what do I like in bed, etc. :eek: :( And all I wanted to do was meet for lunch or coffee. WTF?! Makes a person kind of suspicious.

I'm on other CD websites. And, get "hit on" a LOT! That has helped make me VERY cautious about meeting other CDs!:sad:

I'm SURE I've missed out on meeting possible friends, because of that FEAR!:doh:

I found that going to the SCC was VERY EYE OPENING for ME! If u ever get a chance, Anne, attend one! Everyone was so friendly and accepting!:hugs:
It was like a DREAM!:daydreaming:

[Andy66]

I'm on other CD websites. And, get "hit on" a LOT! That has helped make me VERY cautious about meeting other CDs!:sad:
Sherry is very cute. Not to mention, you know how some people are about doctors. You could have a PhD in Underwater Basket Weaving, for all we know :heehee: ...but $ome people $till $ee doctor$ a$ very $exy, if you know what I mean.

I'm SURE I've missed out on meeting possible friends, because of that FEAR!:doh:

I found that going to the SCC was VERY EYE OPENING for ME! If u ever get a chance, Anne, attend one! Everyone was so friendly and accepting!:hugs:
It was like a DREAM!:daydreaming:
That does sound nice. For the record, I'm not trying to "meet" anyone here; just enjoy the company. If I DID meet someone, that wouldn't be so bad, but I've been through so much that I'm just as scared as everyone else... and a "guy in a dress" who sees me as a booty call just isn't going to do it for me.

[Jamie001]

Most of the fear that CDs experience is in their own minds. It is not real. Just like the old Captain Kirk Star Trek where the bullets were not real. As long as you don't try to push CDing at work you will be ok in most cases provided that you wife/SO is accepting. Life is usually a lot better after you accept yourself for who you are and come out to your family and friends. It is very difficult and takes a great psychological toll to suppress part of your personality.

[dana digs sweaters]

I can relate. this was probably me as a teenager and early 20's. Still not the most confident, outgoing person but, I do make friends easier now.

For the original question, I am only in a REALLY outgoing mode a few times a year. Otherwise, I tend not to be too adventurous meeting new people. I already have a circle of friends I am having rouble keeping up with since I live an hour away from most of them. Some month I hope to make a meeting of the one Indy group but, I would probably appear to be one of your "with-drawn" people, even if I had a great time meeting them. I don't even attend all the social dances I want to, let alone other things.

Brina

Get out and enjoy it. You will meet all types of peope at these meetings. It is a big planet and also a small world sometimes. Cheers Dana