Dilemma

[greenleaf]

Hi there,
This is my first question in the forum, although I have been reading for a long time. I'll get to my problem in a little bit but first I'll give you a little background. .

I've been crossdressing very lightly since late school (16ish) and through uni and it wasnt until I was in my late 20's that I actually realized that I was a cross dresser. I left the country when I was 26, got married when I was 29 and came back when I was 31. I now have 2 children who are 6 and 8 and Im 38.

I told my wife after 4 years of marriage that I was a cross dresser. She didnt say much about it and I always did it in private at night in our bedroom while she was in the lounge. Of course she has some idea of what Im up to but never is anything said. She gives me mixed signals that really throw me. Sometimes I think she's ok with it and then others shes like she hates it. But my overall feeling is that she just tolerates it. I cant put a finger on it.

Now the problem is that years have gone on and I get angry because when ever I go into the room she never makes any noise - the whole house it quiet. Normally I am extremely quite myself as I have to deal mentally with the thought of anyone knowing, watching, listening and what you normally have. During the day if ever Im in the room I can hear her moving around but she does it on purpose when Im in there at night. When I have brought something she teases me about it and it makes me feel really stink. My problem is that I get angry because I cant freely cross-dress. Its getting to the stage where Im not wanting to sleep with her because of the resentment that she doesnt acept it. I love my kids alot and her as well but I feel really angery that she wont accept or try to understand me.

So my question - What do I do? Just try to give it up? Talking with her wont work and I cant leave.

Thanks for anyone that will really try to understand this and give an honest reply...

[Joanne f]

That is an awkward situation for both of you as it is keeping you apart at times when you should be together, i do not know how far you like to cross dress but one way i could suggest may work for your wife but may not be enough for you but little steps can help to ease the anxiety some times.
Try and ask your wife if she would accept it if you just wear a skirt in as they say male mode, this may brake the deadlock between you having to be in a separate room all the time .

[WifeAndMom]

As a wife of a CD, I'm still trying to fully come to terms with this myself. I've know about my SO for 7 yrs and we've been married for 6 and we have 2 young children.

I can say personally, open communication has been the best remedy for me. He is very honest with me and has professed his love while continuing to let me know that the door is always open for questions...if there's anything I want to know or ask, he encourages me to ask. We've talked alot in the last month and though I've been up and down, I can honestly say that it has given me more comfort and understanding and it has also strengthened our relationship.

I can't speak for your wife but all I can say is keep talking, be patient, let her know she can ask questions and let her know you are always there for her and love her.

[Shari]

I'm assuming that part of your dressing provides a sexual release.

She may feel less than attractive as a result and resents the fact that you're having more fun by yourself than with her.

At the same time it seems she has zero interest in seeing you dressed, let alone interacting with you in that mode. The rift grows wider and deeper with every session. Whatever else you do that rubs her the wrong way aids in widening the chasm.

Communication is the key.

You have to get her to open up, and you must also do that with her.
You also must be willing to accept that if she completely rejects your dressing, the ball is now in your court.

If the clothes mean more to you than your wife and children, you know what you have to do.
If she's not happy or willing to participate, then you must stop.

It's not easy. I know either option is no good for you personally, but where but you're at right now is no good either.
The promise you made on the altar to yourself, your wife and to God must take priority.
Family first.

[Holly]

You've been a member here for well over an year and this is your firsrt post. That indicates to me that things are coming to a head with you. Although you haven't been posting, I assume you have been reading. That kind of sounds like the relationship you have been having with your wife... been listening but not saying anything. How is she supposed to know how you are feeling if you don't tell her? How is she supposed to know what you are feeling inside if you don't share those feelings with her? How is she supposed to know how important this is to you if you don't share that with her? You may fear it, but the only way you have any chance to resolve this issue with her is to talk to her, communicate with her.

[docrobbysherry]

When you have marital problems that u CAN'T resolve between the 2 of u, u need professionally help!:sad:

When I was still married, we got great help from an experienced therapist. If my wife had been interested in saving our marriage, I mite still be married!:brolleyes:

I strongly suggest u BOTH see one! If she won't, go on your own! Your attitude strongly suggests, "her vs me"! Which is NOT conducive for a "good" marriage! In MY experience, anyway!:doh:

[Wen4cd]

A. Teasing is actually a good sign. Every tease is an invitation to talk, or an opportinity to make a half-joking comeback, minimizing this elephant into a mouse.

B. A decently sized home stereo system is a godsend. People don't use them much anymore in the 'portable age,' but big speakers are still good, bassy ones at a moderate level don;t wake people up at night, they keep people asleep with a wash of sound, covering any bumps, and noises people do make. A person trying to be quiet will be the loudest person, evey creak of the floor and closing door is heard 3x as loudly as an isolated event. Plus, it feels 'sneaky,' and this causes a bad vibe.

[Rachel Morley]

Talking with her wont work and I cant leave.
Woh! .... slow down. Don't be in such a rush to throw away potential solutions. What makes you think that talking with her won't work? In almost every type of conflict in the world the two parties always initially try to talk together to come up with a measured, perhaps compromised, solution. If they can't come to a conclusion amongst themselves then there's always the option of a third party (professional help) as a type of arbitration.

My point is IMHO the only way you two are going to make progress on this is for you to both to "drop your guards" and give a little trust and room for maneuver to the other one. Talk things through in a relaxed, non threatening, non judgmental way. Listen and share without interrupting each other how each of you truly feels. Take it in turns to speak. You have to let the love you have between one another and your desire to be together be the overriding security in this issue. However, when you immediately say "talking wont work and I cant leave" before you've even tried I begin to wonder about the integrity of your relationship in the first place. Good luck anyway. I hope you can help each other understand each other more. This is just my :2c: and you did ask for an honest reply.

[linnea]

Oh, yes, Rachel and others who have said, "Communicate" are right. I know that you feel that talking won't work, but I urge you to keep trying to talk about what she's feeling and what you're feeling. Trust her to tell you what she feels, what she wants, and what concerns her. That will take some time. Be patient.

[Alice Torn]

Maybe writing her a letter, asking for civil discussion, about it, at a nice restaurant. If you ask for a peaceful truce, peace talks, you have done your part, and she may think, cooperate. I wish you peace.

[Sandra]

Hi,

Well you are in a pickle aren't you :) As an accepting SO (my SO is TS) you really do need to try to get her to sit down and talk. It seems that neither of you know what the other is really thinking or doing.

She may not know how to approach you so why don't you start the ball rolling, explain things to her, how you feel about the cding ok I know for most it is hard to say "why" they do it but try, then you listen to what she has to say. Maybe suggest some rules/boundaries but rememeber those should not be broken by either of you, just set a time when they can be reviewed.

Talk and keeping the lines of communaction is the main thing. Things aren't going to happen over night, it could take months even years just don't give up.

[Jonianne]

......My problem is that I get angry because I cant freely cross-dress. Its getting to the stage where Im not wanting to sleep with her because of the resentment that she doesnt acept it. I love my kids alot and her as well but I feel really angery that she wont accept or try to understand me.....

Hi Greenleaf, you mentioned you feel resentment and anger toward your wife because she doesn't accept you. This obviously will come out in your trying to talk with her. First, try to get to the point that in your relationship, she doesn't have to like or accept the crossdressing. Try to give her that acceptance from you. Be OK with her not being OK with the crossdressing as long as she is OK with you, knowing that you do crossdress. Accept her feelings. Feelings can change.

So often in relationships when someone takes a step toward the other, the other, in resentment, steps back and then later, visa versa. Then the two of you never meet in the middle. When she takes a step toward you, always greet it and step toward her also in love. Be patient and keep trying.

[gemsay32]

She feels like your "hobby" is somehow replacing her or making her feel less important.

That's my best guess. You guys need tobe more honest with each other.

[minalost]

I think that many of us don't really know what our wifes think about our crossdressing because we don't ask them. Communitation is the key. She knows about your dressing so there is no big secret to guard. So you need to initiate the dialog.
:2c:

[Kerigirl2009]

My wife has only known for a short time and I think it is me that is more uncomfortable getting ready in front of her. So I try to avoid it as much as possible. (I am talking underclothing) I get the sense that she is uncomfortable seeing me dressed but is more comfortable with the knowing fact and I am ok with that.
Now I am hoping that as time goes on we will both be able to deal with this as no big deal and just live our lives as husband and wife. :)

[NikiMichelle]

I can't speak for your wife but all I can say is keep talking, be patient, let her know she can ask questions and let her know you are always there for her and love her.

I agree...my wife has now known about me for ten years and I want to talk even more.

Another suggestion is that there are some good books out there too to "share and go through"....Helen Boyds first book "My Husband Betty" is good.

Keep trying and good luck!

[sherri52]

First let me welcome you to the site. As for your wifes acceptance, you'll have to take baby steps. You have alot of time in the marriage and you really don't want to throw it away. I'm assuming you love your wife. Try wearing simple items in front of her. Femme jeans, light mascara, clear nail polish, etc.

[ReineD]

Welcome to the forum, Greenleaf! :)

Your wife may be feeling resentful towards you. She may feel that you do not want her involved and the CDing is more important to you than she is. Maybe she does not make any noise while you dress because she is straining to hear what YOU are doing.

The teasing might be a way for her to open up the conversation. She may feel you do not want to talk to her about this.

Please be open and honest with her. Tell her how important the CDing is to you and you would like it if she would try to understand. Ask her how she feels about it. Ask her if she would be willing to learn more. Tell her how awkward and embarrassed the thought of not being accepted by her makes you feel.

Also, please read: "How To Tell Your Partner (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=205772&postcount=1)", and "Now I Like It, Now I Don't (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=191346&postcount=1)"

:hugs:

[DonnaT]

I told my wife after 4 years of marriage that I was a cross dresser. She didnt say much about it and I always did it in private at night in our bedroom while she was in the lounge. Of course she has some idea of what Im up to but never is anything said. She gives me mixed signals that really throw me. Sometimes I think she's ok with it and then others shes like she hates it. But my overall feeling is that she just tolerates it. I cant put a finger on it.
A clear indication that you aren't talking to each other about it.


Now the problem is that years have gone on and I get angry because when ever I go into the room she never makes any noise
Why does this make you angry?


When I have brought something she teases me about it and it makes me feel really stink.
I guess it would depend on the type of teasing she is doing. Friendly teasing? Shouldn't be a problem, IMHO.

Ragging teasing could be an indication she doesn't like it, and you should take to opportunity to discuss your feelings if you feel hurt.


My problem is that I get angry because I cant freely cross-dress.
I reckon it depends on what you mean by "freely". Seems to me you are free to CD in your room. Understandable when there are kids around.


Its getting to the stage where Im not wanting to sleep with her because of the resentment that she doesnt acept it. I love my kids alot and her as well but I feel really angery that she wont accept or try to understand me.
You lost me here.

Originally you say you don't know how she feels, but now you say she doesn't accept it. So which is it?

Wouldn't it be better to find out your wife's actual thoughts rather than project your own thoughts as your wife's? Projecting your thoughts as your wife's thoughts just isn't going to accomplish anything positive. It just leaves you running around in circles.

Maybe she loves you enough to leave you to your dressing.

Maybe she can't accept it, but at least she hasn't banned it.

Seems to me you need to have a talk with her. She can't know your feelings without doing so, just like you can't know hers.