A Very Difficult Night for Me

[LisaM]

Tonight I have to go to a formal fundraiser----black tie,etc.. It always brings me down because i hate putting on a tux while knowing that my spouse and all the other women are enjoying getting dressed for the party.

I always have to take anti-depressents[-][/-] and anti-anxiety drugs because i get so uncomfortable at these events.

I just wish I was able to go to them as a women--like I feel I am.

Does anyone else go through this?

[SirTrey]

I used to have to go to formal/black tie events with My former boss a lot....in a dress....anyone who knows ME can tell you just how much I feel your pain....Me in a dress is about as uncomfortable and miserable as it gets...So, yeah, I'm sure a lot of us have to go through things like this....I'm SO glad I am fully transitioned now...So sorry to hear you are having to go through that...:hugs:

[Sallee]

I am a little jealous at those events. WE get the black tie they get the heels and dress and some of the GG's bitch about it. Oh well we all have are crosses to bear

[CharleneT]

very much know what you mean ... although now I'm free from that burden.

[SuzanneBender]

I feel for you because I can relate. I stand in my closet putting on my suit or tux in front of all my beautiful dresses and I can feel them calling my name. I feel like a fish out of water anymore when I am en drab and it is amplified when it is a formal event.

I also noticed this envy reared its ugly head at Christmas service. All the women in their cute outfits grrrrrrr. :tongueout

[Lorileah]

the closest I have been to a formal event was prom 1974. Powder blue Tux, blue and white wing tips, ruffled shirt....a dress would have been less conspicuous. Sometimes NOT being in the "In" crowd is a good thing, you don't have to dress in a specific way to be bored at a party

( I wanna see Trey in a tux...now that would be class)

[Katesback]

Why dont you live your dream instead of dreaming your dream? Let me see here............of all the transsexual people out there what would be the guess of the percent that actually transition? How about 5%? That would be my guess. What do ya think the percent is that actually have SRS is? I bet it is less than 1%.

I was just contemplating how many of us there really are out there. In any case dreaming and doing are two different things. I would suggest ya make a decision one way or the other and get on with life. I really could care less if someone does or does not transition. What I do care about is someone finds some inner peace and happiness.

Katie

[Hope]

I get jealous EVERYWERE these days, but particularly formal events.


I am a little jealous at those events. WE get the black tie they get the heels and dress and some of the GG's bitch about it. Oh well we all have are crosses to bear

Yeah - it is hard for me to not say something when I hear women complain about an outfit. I understand the saggy pantyhose, the strapless bra digging into flesh (get the right size) and the nuisance of a 4 inch heel on the dance floor... and I would gladly trade. Living in a tux might be more comfortable, but it is a hell of a lot less comfortable.

[kellycan27]

Why dont you live your dream instead of dreaming your dream? Let me see here............of all the transsexual people out there what would be the guess of the percent that actually transition? How about 5%? That would be my guess. What do ya think the percent is that actually have SRS is? I bet it is less than 1%.

I was just contemplating how many of us there really are out there. In any case dreaming and doing are two different things. I would suggest ya make a decision one way or the other and get on with life. I really could care less if someone does or does not transition. What I do care about is someone finds some inner peace and happiness.

Katie

Kate
You mean like.. put up or shut up? :heehee:

[GypsyKaren]

There's lots of reasons why so few transition, sometimes life and family responsibilities mean that you have to sacrifice your happiness for others, so it isn't as simple as just saying "do it".

I had to wear a tux to my daughter's wedding, it was horrible.

KS :g1:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Lisa!

I worked for a very large company that built a massive skyscraper in 2008...It opened in the spring and there was an event in May that filled the lobby with all kinds of business leaders and their SO's..so many beautiful people ...

It started at about 530 in the evening and I left at about 5:50..i was a VIP at the party too....it was torture....i wasnt crying as much as i was imploding...i looked around at all the people and the feeling of wrongness that was creeping up on me just ate me up...it was HORRIBLE...i thought about it alot afterwards and by late summer I was disclosing my transition plans ...

on monday morning work colleagues asked where i went? why didnt I stay? you looked ill....etcetc the torture continued..

I'm not saying that it made me do anything, but it sure as heck stuck in my mind afterwards...

How are you feeling about it today?

ps...karen ...I promised my daughters i'd wear a tux to their wedding!

uhoh

[SuzanneBender]

It started at about 530 in the evening and I left at about 5:50..i was a VIP at the party too....it was torture....i wasnt crying as much as i was imploding...i looked around at all the people and the feeling of wrongness that was creeping up on me just ate me up...it was HORRIBLE...i thought about it alot afterwards and by late summer I was disclosing my transition plans ...


Kaitlyn I can't describe the intensity of the emotional flashback that your story just caused. I had a very similar event this past fall. We had a reception at the school president’s house for a famous guest speaker that came to our University for a lecture series. I was playing a significant role in the evenings activities and it was a full formal event. I have never felt so incorrect in my entire life. Your description of "imploding" and "wrongness" is right on. I had several people ask me if I was doing ok the next day because many there thought I had been physically ill.

The next day I was on the net looking for a therapist that specialized in gender issues.

A necklace is a heck of a lot more comfortable than a bow tie

[morgan51]

monkey suit? LOL Just shoot me phulease! Still I know the feeling it truly makes me physically ill. I'm thankfull I haven't been in the spotlight at any of thaty type of event. Morgan

[crossdrezzer1]

oh yes but when something like that happens i wear alot of prettys under my tux and that makes me feel better

[Melissa A.]

A few months back, I agreed to attend my niece's sweet sixteen event in guy clothes, which was difficult, because I really didn't think I had anymore! I wasn't expected to go formal, even though all the kids and some of the adults and others there did, but not everyone. My niece is actually fine with me, but I did try to understand-these kids and their parents don't know me, and not wanting me to be the talk of her party is something I was pretty ok with. I wore slacks and a polo shirt(couldn't believe I still had that stuff buried in my dresser!) but I refused to spend money on a pair of guy shoes, so I wore a pair of black Converse All-Stars, which are androgenous, and I often wear anyway. I couldn't, and wouldn't, do anything about my hair(it's alot longer and alot blonder now than in my pics here, the avatar is from early last summer). It was a nice evening, but I felt fairly uncomfortable-it's amazing how quickly I have gotten used to being the real me everywhere, all the time-I mostly blended into the background, watched the kids dance, and after a couple of hours, I said my goodbyes and took off. A month and a half later, I attended my stepfather's memorial service as Melissa-Ok, not a happy event, for the most part, but all went fine. I think everyone knows my stance on this now. Never again, ever. It hasn't been a real long time since I've been out, but I feel I've been more than accomodating, and it's time for everyone to move on. My two nephews and niece are all teens, one's just starting college(skipped his graduation, living 200 miles away gave me an excuse)-so I don't see a formal event in my future anytime real soon, unless one of them unexpectadley gets married. But if asked, the answer will be absolutely no. It would break my heart to be excluded, but I would really rather not attend. Selfish? Maybe. But I will not back down on this one-this is who I am. I suppose if I had kids of my own, it might be alot more complicated. I understand and feel for those of you who must go throught this. My small taste of it was certainly enough.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[~Emma D~]

Hi Lisa,
My heart goes out to you, I know exactly how you feel - those events are just so horrendous.

Over the last 6 years I have been to two every year - Just don't do what I do, drink too much and start talking in your sleep during the night about how gorgeous someones dress was.

Just try to make the best of it.

:hugs:Sarah

[LisaM]

Ladies, thank you for both the kind and sympathetic responses and the ones that were less so.

I was just venting and I did get through the evening albeit with the usual depression and anxiety.

[sherri52]

One thing about being retarded I mean retired. You don't have to wear a suit unless someone has left us.

[Teri Jean]

Recently I was faced with a meeting with my attorney and those of the other side and there was a mission of representing the family as my male side. It was a moment where a woman in a position of doing something simular would wear the suit also. Dress according to moment and don't look back. Yes the dress would have been preferable but then we don't always get the choice.

Teri

[Nigella]

...

I had to wear a tux to my daughter's wedding, it was horrible.

KS :g1:

I'm lucky in that respect Karen, Amy has made it quite clear that she would not expect me to wear anything but whatever I would be comfortable in, mind you I would be mindfull that it was her special day so I guess a full length prom dress would be out of order :D

[kellycan27]

My father passed away early on in my transition. Most people already knew about me. Unfortunately my father had not come to grips with the fact that I was TS, and my mother wanted nothing to do with it. Out of respect for my parents I wore a suit and tie to his funeral. I remember feeling that I probably stood out more than I would have had I gone dressed en femme...But, be that as it may, it really didn't bother me in any way,shape, or form because no matter how I dressed or presented I was still "me". I am a woman no matter how I am dressed. A couple of things that I have learned along the way are one, It isn't just all about me, and two, being comfortable with my true self has nothing in the least to do with how I am dressed.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Kelly I think your comment is right on the mark..

one way i thought about it is that there is a difference between a woman being pre transition and stuck in a male role having to "man up" for an event and have attention focused on "him".. its like salt on the wound.
wearing undergarments wouldnt have done anything for me at that event and I bet most folks on ts forum would have the same feeling..

as u transition and live the life you were meant to lead, I don't see anything wrong with dressing in male clothes..its a sign of maturity and your own acceptance of yourself to be willing to give into someone else's true needs at times...

to be totally honest if my parent died and wanted me at their funeral in a clown costume, i'd do it for them.
and that's probably how i would feel if i had to wear a suit right now..hehe

[kellycan27]

Kelly I think your comment is right on the mark..

one way i thought about it is that there is a difference between a woman being pre transition and stuck in a male role having to "man up" for an event and have attention focused on "him".. its like salt on the wound.
wearing undergarments wouldnt have done anything for me at that event and I bet most folks on ts forum would have the same feeling..

as u transition and live the life you were meant to lead, I don't see anything wrong with dressing in male clothes..its a sign of maturity and your own acceptance of yourself to be willing to give into someone else's true needs at times...

to be totally honest if my parent died and wanted me at their funeral in a clown costume, i'd do it for them.
and that's probably how i would feel if i had to wear a suit right now..hehe

True, and at the time I was living 24/7 , and as I mentioned I probably stuck out more in the suit that I would have in a dress. My hair was quite long as were my nails, and my brows were definetly altered.
To be perfectly honest I don't have a problem slipping on my levi 501 button up boy jeans, a sweatshirt and tennis shoes ( sans make-up) and heading out to the mall acting like those girls who cross dress and get away with it.:heehee:

Kel

[Jennifer in CO]

Probably all of us who have transitioned have stories of having to 'appear' as your old self at least once or twice. It was late August after I had transitioned in May/June of 79 when my grand dad died. Now mind you he and granny were the support I had back when I was 15 and spent the summer with them as Jennifer. But, I was in essence told by the other side of the family that if I was coming to the funeral I was not coming 'dressed like that'. I learned at the funeral that ONLY my GP's (and the Aunt who helped create Jennifer) supported me back then and that current support was only from my immediate family and wife. Like you Kelly It was awkward at best. Eyebrows were now femininely shaped, hair was past the shoulders, and I had lost more weight (that I really didn't have to loose - I was down to 125 pounds) so none of my old clothes fit me worth a hoot. This meant I would have to go buy a mans suit to wear once which I couldn't afford. We considered womens suits but at the time ladies fashions were not 'menswear looking' so we cheated. Black slacks that I already had, black blazer that wasn't fem looking and we bought a white shirt. I was going to wear a black tie but granny, on the morning of the funeral, called me into her bedroom and placed around my neck a pink tie that was grand dads. To this day I remember her words..."this'll piss 'em off" was all she said in her gravelly voice. We went to the funeral, then I came back to granny's and put on a bright yellow sun dress and sandals then went back out to 'mingle' with the whole family - with granny at my side the whole time. Our family began the long drive back home shortly after. Granny said later that everyone was pissed at me and at her for allowing me to be there 'so dressed'. Ain't life in the south wonderful!!

Jenn

[meri]

At two recent events, I mixed it up. The first event was a black tie ballroom dance. I wore a short tux coat, white tux shirt, black tie upper and a light tan kilt, white hose and black shoes for the lower. Some people were appalled, but a couple of the gals just loved it!

The other was this past New Year's eve, I wore a normal length black tux coat, red bow tie, white tux shirt and a long red print skirt. Again, mixed comments on the outfit.

Point was, I loved both outfits and had fun!

[JessicaD]

Lisa! OMG it just about made me cry to read that as i feel very mush the same way. I feel this often too when it comes to social gatherings or events. Especially when it comes to meeting family (my family is extremely unsupportive of my "feelings" and even my girlfriends family as only a few of them know. So if it helps any i feel your pain as it is very much my pain as well. Just know that one day we will be who were destined to be, until that day we must continue to be headstrong and lead not only ourselves but the ignorance of the world to better understand us.