Failure?

[Kate Simmons]

Since many men here love to dress as women or gravitate towards that, does it mean you consider yourself a failure or imminent failure as a man? Why or why not? Do you consider yourself a viable man despite putting so much time and effort into a femme appearance? As one of my friends who is a GG recently said, she is constantly amazed about how feminine such masculine guys can look. Frankly, so am I. So guys, with these thoughts in mind, do you consider yourself a success or failure as a man? I'll post my comment a bit later.:)

[Wen4cd]

That's the whole nature of rebirth, isn't it hon? We all consider ourselves failures if we are honest, or more accurately, we all have that shadow in us that tells us we are.

That it has a gender label on it is unfortunately convenient, but in the One personality, it amounts to rearranging the pieces so the 'good' parts are on top. Whatever surface/external thing that has the label will be shifted accordingly.

[JaytoJillian]

wildly successful in most areas of my male life

[sissystephanie]

With an almost 50 year marriage and two very well adjusted children, I would consider my self to be a very well adjusted MAN. Not a failure in any sense of the word!! I happen to be a man who likes to wear feminine clothing!! No desire to be a woman, I just like to wear feminine things!

Since I lost my wife to cancer almost 5 years ago, my life has obviously changed somewhat! But I am still the same man, albeit one who like to dress feminine! Without my wife to help, I just don't do the wig or makeup!

[linnea]

As Walt Whitman once wrote, "Do I contradict myself. Very well, then, I contradict myself. I am large. I contain multitudes."
I quote this passage from "Song of Myself" because I think that it expresses what I and many others feel: we are human beings with many facets, qualities, desires, and intricacies. We are, as Whitman wrote, "large," i.e., multitudinous.
I don't think that I have failed as a man because I put a lot of effort into expressing my being as a woman. As a very successful wrestler, I put a lot of energy and time into becoming a very successful baseball player. That does not mean that I failed at wrestling. I may be less satisfied with my ability to give that femaleness expression, but I don't try this because I have failed as a man.

[sherri52]

Retired from a job I liked, and eight children later, I would have to say I was a successful man. I just like to wear womens clothes and feel sexy. Men are not sexy

[Sarah Doepner]

There are some aspects of my personal life where I have been successful, so I've undertaken crossdressing to see if I can make up for it by tanking in those areas in my feminine role.

No, that's not it at all.

First my definition of what it takes to be successful as a male is probably different from American Standard anyway, so I could be way off the mark right from the get-go. I'm not aggressive, I prefer to use reason to get my point across. I'm a good buddy to my friends and I support and nurture my family. I had a career that gave me opportunities to shine and gain respect. And I can be handy in the house and yard, doing the heavy lifting as well as the design and build. There are those who will have a much different definition of what it takes to be a successful male and I will have failed in their assessment. That's their problem I guess.

So no. I don't feel like a failure or imminent failure as a male. Maybe I just need something else to make me feel successful as a human and connecting with the feminine will help there.

[lavistaa62]

Well we all get depressed and insecure about things but all in all my kids are growing up great (fingers crossed); I'm in a good marriage and haven't lost my job yet. About the only thing I have to complain about is not being able to wear a dress to work or grow my hair. All in all, that's not too bad.

That said I'm a bit out of step with the norm in the US- my favorite sport is cycling, my political views are becoming outside the mainstream, I do dishes and cook, I think in km and use Linux on my computer. Outside the US though, most of those things are the norm.

I'm not sure what "being a man" is supposed to mean- a boatload of baggage in my mind. Perhaps that's what part of what makes me (us all?) different in a good way. Leave that baggage back on the quay.

[DiannaRose]

I was never what I would have called a successful man. I blew sports, romance, home construction projects...you name it. My marriage is teetering on the knife's edge of collapse, my kids laugh at the idea of me disciplining them, I don't "get" cars, I'm not terribly interested in sports (unless you count the social aspect of getting people together to watch a game on TV).

I'm a fabulous cook, though, and a sensitive and compassionate listener. My daughter comes to me first after a nightmare, my wife asks my opinion on clothes (but then gets freaked out when I tell her what I think would look good with those boots). :) I make a much better female than a male.

And I like being the way I am. :)

[Charleen]

By whose or what standards are we to define success or failure as a "man"?
I've had both as a human being in my 59 years.
Do I fit the stereotypical male image? No. Never have. Does that make me a failure as a man from the start? In some eyes I believe it might.
I really could not care less that I live up to some mythical standards. I was married to a woman who loved me in spite of my faults and failures for 30 years 'till she passed.I have a son who loves me as well. I must have done something right to earn that love so I can chalk that up on the plus side.
I am who I am. I have changed throughout my life trying to become a better human being, and being who I am, my friend Karren put it best a while back when she said she had the best of both worlds.

[NikiMichelle]

I didn't set out to be a cd so I see no relationship to whether I am a failure as a male.....but to answer you anyway...NO..I am good at sports dominated by males and compete well thanks...but more importantly I have been married to a wonderful wife (and my best friend) for 33 years (she has known about my cd'ing for 10 years), have two wonderful adult kids who adore their father (and don't know) and have two extra-special grankids who also adore "grandpa". I must have done many things right as a male!!!!

[AmandaM]

I've had success if you count going from the Barrio/Ghetto to the Middle Class. But, I've always had a hard time at guy stuff. I just ain't good at it. I have to force it. So, in that context, yes, most of the time I fail at being a man.

[JackieInPA]

I never really considered myself much of a man so...whetehr i fail or not...i guess i do but, hey I am good with that!

[Rachel Morley]

I agree with the others ... just what exactly is the criteria for being a "successful man" may I ask? It's totally subjective, and if you are going to try to apply things that are considered "traditionally masculine behavior" or be what is commonly "expected of a man" then you're getting off on the wrong foot to start with IMHO :2c:

[AllieSF]

I am a successful man and an unsuccessful CD. Just joking! Actually, I think I do quite well in both modes. As for someone being a failure as a man or a woman because they crossdress, is like saying a person is a failure at one sport because they play another sport. It is all a matter of choice as we progress through these crazy, frustrating and wonderful lives of ours. We tend to prioritize that which we must do to survive and then those other things that may bring us happiness. I think your theory is way off base. We can co-exist with many interests and personalities, including those that vary within each of us.

[kellycan27]

Been this way for pretty much of my life so far, never really had to do any what one might call "manly" stuff. No wife or kids to fend for, No military service although I did play little league baseball for a time, when I was around 10. Went to college on like an 80/20 girl/andro. And here I am.
So I guess I missed out on being a "man", successful or otherwise :heehee:

Kel

[windycissy]

If I weren't reasonably successful as a man, no way would I be able to afford all the clothes, shoes, makeup, etc and pull off living two lives...

[Teri Jean]

Success of a man or woman is not determined by the clothes they wear or how they identify male or female. What determines success is more what you do as a human being and how you inter-react with those around you.

When I decided to take my CDing to the next point where I decided to transition. I talked to a nephewwho knew of my CDing and he said it the best. He said I have been a great father, grandfather, husband, and brother. I have done what was best for the family and my wife so now with that behind me it is time for my time. Later when he met me for the first time as Teri he said I surprized him as he wouold have not recognized me in passing on the street.

So the answer I found was more about substance and less about appearance. JMO

Teri

[vikki2020]

To do what we do, on whatever level, is being true to ourselves. This,for man or woman, can be considered a success.

[ArleneRaquel]

Bravo Vikki ! :2c:

[GaleWarning]

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mmmm ... let me think ...:daydreaming:
Yup!
I think I'll be reckoned a man by these standards!
:hugs:

[Daniela76]

I guess I could say I am a failure as a man.
But I'm not upset about it anymore.
For my first 33 years I didn't know what life was really about & hated trying to figure it out.
Everything seemed jumbled to me & I didn't know what to do.

What do you do when you are sick as a child, raised by controlling women & pushed to excel but never helped along the way? And when you have a strong intellect, are accepting of others with only minor judgment, and are very sympathetic & empathic?

I only now know that my whole life has led up to me accepting my feminine side & trying to live my life the way I need to. Right now I'm pretty sure I want to transition & live as a lesbian. That could change any time along the way, so I'm not in a huge hurry.

[DeniseNJ]

Faliure as a man:2c: maybe a failure at not being very macho at times. Like when I am at a nail salon and getting a pedicure with color or after freshly shaving my legs and slipping into sheer hose and heels. Being chubby all my life a the kids in school used to tease me and tell me I needed to wear a bra cause my breast showed through my T-shirt in GYM class. Failure is the wrong term. We all want to be a convincing looking woman when we dress and look and feel the part of Womanhood. If I am wrong correct me. I feel I would have been a better woman than a man based on my inner feelings not on what sucesses I made in life as me!!!

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

Side question inspired by the OP:

Do you think maybe one of the reasons that the majority of Male to Female crossdressers (not including true TSs) develop female personas is because there is so much social conditioning telling us from such a wrong age that it is weak/wrong for a man to dress or behave in a feminine way? So as kids we start to imagine we are part girl so we can dress the way we want?

Part of the reason I gave up on "passing" is because it started to feel like all I was doing was reinforcing the social stereotypes that keep us marginalized and ostracized to begin with. That a man who wants to be feminine adopting a female persona is essentially subconsciously saying "Yes, on some level I feel like obviously a man wouldn't want to dress this way so some part of me must be female."

[Alicia Grey]

I don't feel so much as a failure as a man, but as one that has little or no interest in so called manly activities. Like watching sports or idolizing overpaid athletes because they can hit a ball with a bat, club, or racquet.

I have always identified with girls, their beauty, grace of movement, and mostly their clothes. Men have such limited expression in clothes. How men express their clothing tastes are by wearing advertising for their favorite sports teams.

[Mitzi]

It strikes me that the question being asked is not really about attaining success in typical male endeavors, but rather "has being CD caused you to feel discontent with your male life."

Mitzi

[Kathi Lake]

Nope! I, and everyone who knows me, would say that as a man, I've been pretty successful in the world's eyes. Received multiple degrees, built a successful advertising agency, have been in the active duty military or reserves for the past 29 years, has had a loving marriage for over 20 years, three kids, active in church, Scouts and other community activities. You know, . . . stuff.

Oh, and occasionally, I dress up completely (and, according to others, pretty darn well) as a woman. And that matters how, exactly?

To me, the first two paragraphs are essentially meaningless. My measure of success or failure in life? Simple. Do I make those around me happy, and am I happy. That answer to those questions? Yes, I am extremely happy. As I've said before, I feel incredibly blessed to be where I am today. I can't say with certainty if I make others happy, but I sure do try. People do tell me that that is the case, and that they enjoy being around me. Sounds like success to me.

Kathi

[mylieanna]

being a "man" is nothing but having restrictions on what you can and cannot do, how you can walk, talk, eat, drink, dance, smoke a cig, etc... realisitically i was born male, i really shouldnt have been, because i dont fit well into the male persona, although when i am out and about as a male, i do look like one, but i am often told i walk like a female, and sometimes get an akward laugh from a friend about it also. i also get told from gfs that i need to be more dominant, and its just not in my nature to do so. so really for a while i just fought withmyself about it until i accepted how i am. I like dressing femm, i like feeling free, i like doing what makes me feel good and not what other people want me to feel. although only I know about my desires and cross dressing, thats how i look at it. so from a cultural standpoint, you are looked at as a failure to being of born male standards, but at the same time, there is eviddence that shows its not something we choose, its how we were born. so i personally dont look at it as a failure, i look at it as a failure in the education of society today that brainwashes people to think that everyone is held to a certain standard, and they all need to act that way accordingly.

[Danielle76]

It seems like a man should, almost, but I do not. I'm a pretty manly man when not dressing, and besides, it's purely just a sexual thing for me...

[Jenniferpl]

It depends on how you define success. Making lots of money, raising kids to be be able to survie their own, Marriage, vig house, etc.

I would discribe myself as successfull but as someone who enjoys wearing woman's clothing.

[Jonianne]

Water seeks it's own level. I don't think water considers itself a failure as it flows toward balance.

No, I don't gravitate toward the feminine because I feel I am a failure as a man. I gravitate because I feel comfortable finding my own level as a human being.

[Rianna Humble]

If being a "successful man" is about sporting exploits, then I failed before I was in primary school. Not many people can come in so far last in a children's race that the local paper does an article about it :eek:

If being a "successful man" is about having a successful marriage, then I failed because I let the only one I ever wanted to marry wed someone else because I felt she would be happier. :sad:

If being a "successful man" is about being domineering, then I failed because I have always tried to be compassionate and understanding.

On the other hand, if being a "successful man" is about being someone that others turn to in times of distress, then I could be considered reasonably successful.

If being a "successful man" is about being someone others can rely on, then I could be considered reasonably successful.

What has all of this got to do with the fact that I need to express the feminine attributes of my personality? Nothing that I can see either positively or negatively.

So does my cross dressing mean I consider myself a failure as a man? As far as I can see, it doesn't mean that I am a failure any more than it means I am a success as a man.

Does my growing need to be able to get to the point where transition is a viable option mean that I consider myself a failure as a man? No, it means I need to be able to be myself.

Do I consider that I will be a better woman than I was a man? I wouldn't even know how to begin to quantify that, but the answer is probably not.

If I ever get to transition, will I be a better person? Again probably not. Will I be more at one with myself? Almost certainly.

:2c:

[Crysten]

Since many men here love to dress as women or gravitate towards that, does it mean you consider yourself a failure or imminent failure as a man? Why or why not? Do you consider yourself a viable man despite putting so much time and effort into a femme appearance? As one of my friends who is a GG recently said, she is constantly amazed about how feminine such masculine guys can look. Frankly, so am I. So guys, with these thoughts in mind, do you consider yourself a success or failure as a man? I'll post my comment a bit later.:)

Depends on how you define "man". Am I a big, hairy, overbearing, violent, drunk, dumbass? Nope. Now wait - lots of men like that. There are.

Am I a reasonable, responsible adult male who cares about family first, takes his job seriously, loves his wife, loves his kids, spent most of his life in the military, and is a good citizen? Yep - just about defines me exactly.

Now - on the flipside of that, am I interested in most things regular guys are interested in? Not really. Not into sports or cars, that's for sure. Into fishing, camping, playing guitar, and oh yeah - I wear womens clothes constantly.

Now, how do I FEEL? I'd say, I feel about 30% - 50% feminine at any given point. Like I said, I wear womens clothes continuously, but, I'm not trying to go for a "feminine look" - mostly a waste of time for me.

So, there's my answer. If it's an answer. :)

[DAVIDA]

You know, I have never thought about it before!:daydreaming:

[erickka]

In my opinion, human beings are very complex. We all have different ways to view everything in our lives, and we all have opinions on our own sucess/failures in life. Failures to one may be a triumph to someone else, so I guess what I'm getting at, is that it is all in the eyes of the beholder.

[Joanne f]

As a stereo type man i would say yes i am a failure, as a father i would say that i am a part failure, i am a bit like Homer Simpson :heehee:

[kimdl93]

Interesting question - I've always been a contradictory mix of interests, motivations and desires. A friend referred to me as an enigma...after I looked it up, I realized that it was true (more than he would ever know). As a child I enjoyed playing cowboy and covertly was fascinated by feminine clothes/make up, as an adolescent I loved competitive sports, discovered girls and developed an obsession with pantyhose simultaneously. As a young adult, I was a soldier, a college jock, a husband and a father...and a closet cross dresser.

For much of my life, think the internal conflict created by hiding the feminine desires contributed to what could be fairly characterized as an explosive temper. Little frustrations boiled over into tantrums. I didn't know why, precisely, but I was angry about being different - not just about my little secret, but about a half a dozen other "flaws" that I saw in myself.

I don't know how to weigh the relative effects of maturation, the introspection and counseling that followed a deeply painful divorce, and a new and different, more open and compatible relationship, but I find myself less conflicted. I still have secrets that I can only share with my spouse, but that's easier than bearing them alone. I still have a desire to dress and "feel" feminine, but although I feel different, I no longer feel "flawed".

I don't have a female "persona". I'm one being - with a mix of male and female, and depending on the setting the balance point may shift but its all there. In situations that require a male, I'm definately more empathetic, less reactive, more constructive and I credit those to the influence of my feminine nature. When I'm dressed, I don' try to acheive a "female" affection...I interact with my wife as I would when I'm wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I walk a little differently in heals, but I'm the same person.

I guess in a word, I have found peace in embracing my whole self.

[melissacd]

I do not consider myself a failure as a man. I see that I have spent most of my life though not living true to myself. I realize that I have spent most of it hiding behind a facade of what I thought that a man should be instead of just being myself and doing the things that feel right for me which would include things like wearing women's clothes, having long coiffed hair, manicured nails, plucked brows, shaved arms and legs, having the feminine things in my home environment that I like, collecting figurines, prints of 16th - 19th century women, collecting victorian dolls, reading fashion magazines, wearing makeup and the list goes on.

Now I feel that I am finally in my zone and I am living the life that resonates with who I am for the most part.

So no I was/am not a failure as a man. It is more that I was not living up to my true and authentic potential as a man with important qualities that he was repressing.

[Kate Simmons]

Water seeks it's own level. I don't think water considers itself a failure as it flows toward balance.

No, I don't gravitate toward the feminine because I feel I am a failure as a man. I gravitate because I feel comfortable finding my own level as a human being.This is mostly what I was looking for Joni, finding our own comfort level as a person. Once one finds that success or failure becomes a matter of perspective. As you say water naturally seeks it's own level, so do we. The mainstream of humanity does not.Does this make us any better or worse than anyone else? Nope, it just makes us people, perhaps more honest people. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of that and sometimes the question needs to be asked in such a way so as to verify our answer. Thanks to all who responded.:)

[Stephanie Stephens]

Failure is not an option

[Charlena]

I do not feel I am a failure as a man. Nor do I feel a failure as a good human being, just trying to achieve that grounding and balance that is required to be there for the ones I love.
Always listening, growing, learning to be a better human being. Love to all.

[minalost]

By the only definition that should matter (my own): not a failure. 28 years of marraige, two fine adult sons (they both have JOBS!), a roof over my head, food to eat, and money to spend on my hobbies.

Life is good.
:hugs:

[Karren H]

I consider myself a success no mater what clothing I wear!!

[Shelly67]

As my lifes progressed it has certainly tested my confidence . So has employment ( I do feel a failure in that at present , no job , no money ) but I've reflected on my character and what I bring into the world as a person . I think the only way anyone regardless of gender and sexuality can regard themselves is to first accept we all make mistakes . Kindness in the face of sheer ignorance is a rare beauty that we all pocess , sadly a lot of people refuse to share warmth openly in fear of rebuke. That in itself I see as failure . I also consider those who refuse to accept our fellow man and woman for just who they are as questionable , probably leading to failure too . Ignorance is not bliss .
On the subject of how we all look . The delusion of make up , hair pieces and such , those can contribute to how we present ourselves with a powerful message . However just as it's true , not to judge a book by it's cover , there are many many beautiful people out there who are truely concieted and ignorant to others , almost like prey Mantis towards whoever they please .

[ReineD]

Men are not sexy

Um ... depends on your viewpoint. :D

[Bev06 GG]

Retired from a job I liked, and eight children later, I would have to say I was a successful man. I just like to wear womens clothes and feel sexy. Men are not sexy

I beg to differ Sherri, men are wildly sexy, whether in trousers or skirts, but then I dont suppose I'd expect you to think that they were.
bev

[Kate Simmons]

I have to agree with both Reine and Bev that men are sexy if I do say so myself.Just because one man thinks another one is sexy doesn't really imply anything. Sounds like the next frontier to be conquered and the next social stigma to be put to rest.:heehee:

[Nicole Bishop]

Alicia

I agree I am retired at 47 so I am not really worried about my success as a man .No one would think I would be doing this and those that do know are mostly female and the guys that know wish they could get away with coming close to passing . We males just got totally ripped off when it comes to the clothes and shoes department women get the luxury of changing everything daily and all we get is athletes foot from the same old shoes. This makes it very interesting and if I had my choice I would be showing off my best features ,my legs eyes and body but that is not a manly thing to do . So I think I will just get dressed now put on some make up hair a skirt and heels and go out and quietly thumb ny nose at all of them. There is something very erotic about being in a high class place and getting up to use the ladies restroom without a second glance it makes me laugh and deep down I am just quietly getting back at all of them who think this is wrong as they have no clue they are standing next to a man looking in the mirror fixing his make up as if they did they would be off running and screaming

Nicole

[audreyinalbany]

I'm more concerned with evaluating my success as a human being than as a man. I think I'm generally decent, loving, and honest, and, as such, a reasonable success as a human...

[vivian fair]

When I look at my grown children an grand children I know I'm a sucessful male. When I remember my 48 happily married years, I also Know. When I remember my military career and doings, I also know. When I think of my time in business,I also know. When I think,often, of my time in many many places sucessfully weaveing in and out of societys every day activities dressed in femme attire,head to toe,over and under I also know. When I study the fates that have trampled so many of us I know I will remain a Man. :)

[Alice Green]

That is an interesting question you propose. I do not think i'm a failure as a man because I am comfortable with who I am, and in the end isn't that all that matters.

[Miranda09]

I've always considered myself a success as a man. My dressing is just another expression of my personality. I'm actually of the mindset that I am perfectly secure in my masculinity and have no problem (anymore) expressing my femininity, even tho I rarely do so in public. But when I do, I try to make sure that my masculinity is under wraps....makes it so much more fun :)

[Loni]

a failer. no,

more like I am a exploer, going places, doing things never before seen.

life is great.

.

[Cathytg]

I don't think it ever occurred to me that I might be failure as man. Certainly there are things in my life where I failed, but I could not say that I generally failed as a man.

I doubt that being TG has anything to do with failing as man.

[kellycan27]

Men are not sexy

That is soooooooooooo not true! :heehee: But you are entitled to your opinion

Kel

[AliceXXX]

Yes, if I had the choice of being a crossdresser or not, I would choose not but I can't help myself so I might aswel enjoy it when I do

[Nicola2876]

Tough one because it depends on your definition of a man. I never wanted to be what society views to be a man as I identify with female more. Hard to be a failure at something you never wanted to be a success at.