Starting to get concerned, genuinely

[Gillian]

Ok I have explained that I was a part time CD in my teens for a while, then in my mid 20's for a very short time, then mid to late 30's then a break of six years and now again. But since coming out on here, my desire to be Gillian is growing and I sit here working at my laptop, wishing my wife would leave, go, get out shopping, see a friend, ANYTHING!!!! to give me some Gillian time now. I am concerned by this as it was never meant to be this way for me only a secret that came out once in a while, now it seems every spare minute is spent in a skirt and pantyhose,and, even more worrying to me, that persona feels much more content and right than the one typing this in jog bottoms and a fleece.

I am just the tinyest bit scared of this right now and would welcome any advice or help.

[dominique]

I've been there and know how you feel. I think everybody goes through phases like this, you'll just have to grin and bear when your wife's about. When your wife's out then you can have some time to dress. But for now relax she might pick up on your mood and ask you some searching questions.

Hope this helps.

[Michelle 51]

I know what you mean about the urge being stronger as we get older and where once dressing was short and intense sorta wham bam and go till the urge struck again and now its more of an expression of how i feel and i can dress for hours on end and feel so natural and would dress even more if it were possible.

[Karren H]

Be very careful that your desires don't drive a wedge between you and the ones you love.... "Wishing she would go away". Or go shopping to me indicates that you may be inadvertantly seperating yourself from her... Becoming more distant... Drifting apart even though you may not be thinking it. She might... And they do notice.. Trust me..

[kimdl93]

Wow, I really have to go along with Karren's advice here. Don't isolate yourself with your desire to dress. We hope that cross dressing should be a positive influence in your life, not a destructive force. You need your family...and they need you.

I know a thing or two about obsessive behavior, and frankly, Deller, this is sounding pretty obsessed. If your thoughts are totally dominated by the desire to dress - to the extent that you want loved ones to leave you alone, then you're losing grip on reality. I would recommend that you seek counseling.

As I mentioned a moment ago, I know something of this. I went through about 3 years of therapy to deal with the aftermath of a painful divorce. Part of my problem was obsessing-almost constantly about the divorce, the loss of the life I'd known. My mind ran through those feelings of loss constantsly. It was consuming. With the help of a therapist I was able to break the cycle of destructive thoughts and with the help of some massive doses of Prozac, I was able to dampen the obsessive behaviors.

I urge you to seek professional help. then, maybe you can deal with integrating your interest in cross dressing with your life in a constructive manner.

[Gillian]

Thanks for the advice and no it's not quite as destructive as it may sound, it is more along the l,ines that at last I am comfortable with being a CD and just want to experiment in more ways than I have with the guilt so want a few hours peace to do so if I can, which I know I cannot until shopping and work day but hey it isn't that dark 'n' gloomy :-)

[kimdl93]

Deller, that's encouraging to hear. I have a question, then. Why not open up the dialogue with your wife. Hiding is the worst thing for your psyche and for your marriage. Of course, there are risks to consider, but sooner or later you will probably be "caught" and that is a whole lot worse than the risk of being honest and open with your spouse.

I know this from personal experience. I now enjoy a life where I can dress without finding time alone, and rather than having a secret feminine personal, I'm able to be a whole person with my spouse. Its a lot easier on my brain!

[Gillian]

When we first got married, I had raised the subject with her and even got as far as fully dressing, make-up wig the lot but she felt she wasn't able to handle it and then closed it out her mind refusing to accept it since then (that was 1989) since then I have been in the closet, but a few times have been hinted at so I do believe she tolerates it on a no questions no l.ies basis.

I hope this explains the dilemma?

Gillian

[minalost]

Be very careful that your desires don't drive a wedge between you and the ones you love.... "Wishing she would go away". Or go shopping to me indicates that you may be inadvertantly seperating yourself from her... Becoming more distant... Drifting apart even though you may not be thinking it. She might... And they do notice.. Trust me..


Thanks for the advice and no it's not quite as destructive as it may sound, it is more along the l,ines that at last I am comfortable with being a CD and just want to experiment in more ways than I have with the guilt so want a few hours peace to do so if I can, which I know I cannot until shopping and work day but hey it isn't that dark 'n' gloomy :-)

I'm glad you think this is not being too destructive to your marrage. Just be careful, because I've fallen into that trap in the past and it's taken a little attitude adjustment to get my head where it belongs.

Also, while I don't believe being out to your wife is right for everyone (just almost everyone :)), have you considered telling her? I'm out to my wife and it's actually made finding time for Mina easier.

Just my opinion...

[kimdl93]

it does clear the situation. I don't know how to get around that precisely. May be that there is no clear path. I do empathize, because I'm blessed in that regard.

Is she equally against underdressing - you know wearing stockings and panties under your drabs? I think the don't ask, don't tell option sucks, personally...because it forces you to hide and that's not fair either. I mean, she knows you like to dress...so whatever it is that she finds unacceptable about cross dressing - she's to some degree accepted. Its not unreasonable to ask it there may be a more comfortable compromise than simply hiding in the closet till she leaves the house!


I'm glad you think this is not being too destructive to your marrage. Just be careful, because I've fallen into that trap in the past and it's taken a little attitude adjustment to get my head where it belongs.

Also, while I don't believe being out to your wife is right for everyone (just almost everyone :)), have you considered telling her? I'm out to my wife and it's actually made finding time for Mina easier.

Just my opinion...

Mina's right - since as you say, your wife already knows that you like to dress, she probably figures you dress when she's not around...so I suppose one compromise is to make a deal...agree with her to schedule some time for yourself. Once its routine, its no longer hiding...just something you do. Like gardening :)

[Holly]

Well, I'm not a psychologist nor do I play one on TV but, from what you have written, I would say you are struggling with your femme side. You write that you feel more content and right in a skirt and pantyhose "than the one typing this in jog bottoms and a fleece." And yet you are conflicted in that you don't feel like you can share this part of you with your wife due to what happened when you tried to do so many years ago. Yet by your own words, you seem to feel she may have had a softening in her stance...
...a few times have been hinted at so I do believe she tolerates it on a no questions no l.ies basis.If your sneaking behind her back to get your girl time in, then you are kind of not living up to the "no lies" part of the understanding. Hiding or covering something up is being deceitful and so you are conflicted. You need to talk to her. You need to tell her what is going on inside of you. If she doesn't want to participate, that's fine. I do a lot of things my wife doesn't do with me, but she does know that I am doing them and she CAN, if she chooses, play along anytime she wants. Lucky for me, getting pretty and going out together is one of the things she does like doing together :battingeyelashes:. But it is not a requirement. What is a requirement is honesty and truthfulness in a relationship. As long as you are hiding, you will never be free to be yourself.

[sherri52]

I was the same way when I was married. Now I live alone and I'm still a part time crossdresser. Part of the time I'm fully dressed, part of the time I'm only half enfemme, and once every six months orso I actually put on a pair of mens pants to remind myself that there is another type of clothing.

[ReineD]

Thanks for the advice and no it's not quite as destructive as it may sound, it is more along the l,ines that at last I am comfortable with being a CD and just want to experiment in more ways than I have with the guilt so want a few hours peace to do so if I can, which I know I cannot until shopping and work day but hey it isn't that dark 'n' gloomy :-)


When we first got married, I had raised the subject with her and even got as far as fully dressing, make-up wig the lot but she felt she wasn't able to handle it and then closed it out her mind refusing to accept it since then (that was 1989) since then I have been in the closet, but a few times have been hinted at so I do believe she tolerates it on a no questions no l.ies basis.

I hope this explains the dilemma?

Gillian

Be careful not to minimize or lie to yourself. I say this with kindness. The urges will become stronger, and as others have said, the situation will drive a wedge between you and your wife. She will feel your restlessness or frustration and she will not understand what is going on. This is not fair to you or to her.

You need to tell her it is becoming important to have some time to express yourself and you do not want to do it behind her back nor do you wish to look forward to 'opportunities' that are not forthcoming. It is time to face this and come up with compromises for alone time if your wife does not wish to participate.

You might wish to read the "How To Tell Your Partner" sticky at the top of this forum, and prepare other resources to give to your wife other than just telling her this is something that you enjoy doing. If you speak to her from the heart, it may help her realize that the CDing is more than a hobby she would rather not know about. She also may not take it the same way now than she did twenty years ago.

You might also tell her about the FAB support section of the forum and ask that she try to learn more about the CDing?

Good luck! :hugs:

[carolyn todd]

hello gillian
if your wife know that you want to wear women clothes
why don't you ask her if she would mind if you wear some
women clothes or if you could under dress, small steps gillian
don't run before you can walk ?

carolyn xx

[GaleWarning]

Happywife's post (CD wife ...) written today would be a great way to get your wife to see that none of us is wierd, only doing what comes naturally to us.

It should be compulsory reading for all wives of CDers.

[carhill2mn]

Oh, I am sure that many of us can "give advice". The "bad news" and the "good news" is that these "feelings" are probably going to intensify. The more important question is how are you going to deal with this?
Your statement that "this was never meant to be" is interesting. It is more likely that you thought that these feelings would not surface in such a strong way.
Good luck!