transition and split

[helenr]

Perhaps I am mistaken, but I sense that one of the final hurdles of full SRS -and the thinking related to this- is to separate from a former support group. I don't mean to scold anyone who exits stage right, but it does leave a void for those still in limbo.
I believe it may be psychologically necessary to put the 'inbetweeners' behind as one bravely forges onward into the wonderful world of womanhood,if that might be the new status. I guess what I miss is the feedback from these new fully feminine friends. Maybe it is similar to the elaborate preparations-like building a stunning Rose Bowl parade float, then the big day, and the show is over and back to the daily routine. So much thinking must occur, steps taken for pre-opt, trial periods, then being wheeled into the surgery room and emerging with a new body and a lifetime pass to the ladies room.
Finally, I do hope these brave souls are content, though I miss hearing how they are doing.Maybe there no longer is a need for this forum as a support group? Is this a valid assessment ? how others view this?

[Eileen]

Helen there is no one way to go as we travel through life. Each of us has our own needs, likes and dislikes. We need to do what works best for us and not what we see others doing with their lives. It is not unusual, as we travel down the new road we have chosen, to find to find ourselves making changes in our interests. We did this before our transition and in many ways life is much the same. What is special is that after transition, in what ever form it takes, we are finally complete and more at pease with ourselves.

For me, the path I have chosen, at this point in my life, is more a middle of the road path. I can not remember a period in my life when I was happier. I find myself enjoying the company of those starting their journey as well as with those who do not know I am a trans woman. Or for that matter family, friends and coworkers, who do know and accept me as a trans woman. The person I am and always have been.

Just be yourself and be happy. Make every day special in its own way. Enjoy the small things and the really wonderful things in life will be even more special.

Eileen

[Stephenie S]

Dear Helen,

I'm not sure where you have been during our many interchanges. Have you been paying attention?

I am a fully transitioned women. I have been trying my best to guide and support you, and others, for quite a while. I haven't left this support site for just that reason. I think that my experience and advice might be of some help to you, and all others here not so far along the way.

Of course I will not be here for ever. When I sense that others have taken up my role and are carrying on with the support I bring here, I will move on.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

what Stephanie said...

after all the questions you've asked, all the responses you've received, you are complaining?

i recall many posts ago you going on about your negativity towards therapists, and you've got an incredible amount of free therapy from people that have given up an incredible amount...families, friends, jobs, even safety...and probably paid $1000's for therapy and medical advice.

frankly i think you are spending way too much time thinking about all this, and not enough time doing something about it.

This is my tough love answer to your comment...i hope you take it honestly and i sincerely hope it helps you.

...and I'm not going anywhere, even if you don't like what I have to say! :hugs:

[Rianna Humble]

Perhaps I am mistaken, but I sense that one of the final hurdles of full SRS -and the thinking related to this- is to separate from a former support group. I don't mean to scold anyone who exits stage right, but it does leave a void for those still in limbo.

There are some who feel the need to move on almost as soon as they have transitioned. Whilst we may regret their departure and the loss of their undoubted contributions, we should also learn to respect their need to do this.

IMNSHO we should also acknowledge and be grateful to those who don't.


I am a fully transitioned women. I have been trying my best to guide and support you, and others, for quite a while. I haven't left this support site for just that reason.


I'm not going anywhere, even if you don't like what I have to say! :hugs:

Stephenie and Kaitlyn are two examples of sisters to whom we owe much for their willingness to stay with us and continue to help.

[CharleneT]

It is a very personal choice, one that I think most cannot predict where they will go until they are there. I applaud anyone who does stick around to help, and I applaud and wish "bon voyage" those who simply move on and live a new and better life.

[Katesback]

I have seen this discussion many a time over. I have defended those that have moved on since some see them as tradors. I myself still to some degree work to help the community (granted I am paid to do this, GET HIV tested).

The point is that in reality there is a lot of really serious disfunction that exists within the community. The fact is that most people that do see the light find that it is better for thier own mental health to move on into the general world.

Another fact is that especially for TS people there is little listening. Most have thier mind made up yesterday and for someone to offen any perspectives tends to be a waste of time. Doubt me? One example is the debates that TS girls have over SRS doctors. That one always cracks me up since the fact is that any of the well known doctors that have a good reputation will do a good job. It is not a complex surgery comparred to FFS which to my surprise I hardly ever hear girls debate about that. DUHHHH

Soooo yes I support any girl that makes it to the point that they dont hang with the community. That to me is a success story!!

Katie

[GypsyKaren]

I didn't quit my support group after my surgery, even though I was the first and only postie and none had even a single question about any of it. I haven't quit here, I'm an Administrator and I spend 4-6 hours a day here on average, and I've always made myself available to anyone who needs anything. How many post-ops do you personally know who have actually turned their backs on you or anyone? Even if they did, its their right and it's their life, I doubt they signed a contract to be an on-call hand holder.

Karen :g1:

[kristyk]

I'm not the kind of person that would forget my roots and who was there for me. However I can also see if you are able to blend into main stream society how easy it would be to do just that blend in and never come back.
Tough decision but I hope I would make the right choice and help out to some degree.

KK

[Katesback]

Well part of the reason so many that make it dont help out is because in many cases there is nothing they can do!

Lets be real clear here. VERY few TS people actually transition. Most for 1000 reasons dont. Many simply sit and dream, postulate, contemplate, and then bitch about how bad thier life is.

Now last time I checked dreaming is not doing or executing. I have had this discussion many a time with TS people. My typical line to them is "do it or dont.........I personally could care less. But sitting here bitching to me will NEVER get you anywhere!"

[GypsyKaren]

This is my signature: Have questions about SRS? I'm a Post-Op and always happy to help., plus I have my thread in Safe Haven that goes into detail about my surgery, so I've always gone out of my way to make myself available to anyone with questions. It's been over two years now, and I've had maybe 3 or 4 people contact me with questions about it, so you tell me who's turning away.

KS :g1:

[Melissa A.]

Is it necessary to choose? Is it really that hard to "move on" and still stay a part of where you came from??? Are we that single-minded that we cannot do both? I'm just saying.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Rianna Humble]

I haven't quit here, I'm an Administrator and I spend 4-6 hours a day here on average, and I've always made myself available to anyone who needs anything. How many post-ops do you personally know who have actually turned their backs on you or anyone? Even if they did, its their right and it's their life, I doubt they signed a contract to be an on-call hand holder.

Don't really know them personally, but I have exchanged views with 1 or maybe 2 who said that after the op they would want to move on with their life and not be associated as trans. I regretted that we would lose their valuable contributions, but as you so rightly said, it was their right to make that decision, so I wished them well.


I've always gone out of my way to make myself available to anyone with questions.

I appreciate the way that you and others make yourselves available to us. I'm not that far down the line, but it helps to know that people like Kaitlyn, Stephenie and you are available for advice if I need it - even if the advice wouldn't necessarily be what I would want to hear :).

[noeleena]

Hi..

its about 12 years ago i started, on how i was going to live as a woman . i did not have any surport from groups like this . no computer or groups that were close ,so i came out by my self . & talked with people i know who are just women . so really i dont need to be on any forums for advice on how to live as a woman because i v been doing that over that time 12 years . & growing as well .
So for me its helping others & ill stay . i v been accepted in to the community as a woman . & yes i can be & am a part of a good number of groups , & be accepted . like to night with our background .
I went to a Robbie Burns night . scot s back ground ,
i m out there joining in . talking . & get accepted . thats what its all about . you have to be there . you have to take part , part of life , of living in the community . were we live ,

I know many who have & do just bow out from the trans community , & thats not a problem as thats what they have or are working towards . & so they should & then no one would know that they are not natal born women ...
Could i ever do that . it wont happen . & i m not trying to . because i m accepted for who i am & people all know my back ground . its not a detail . any more .

The ? really is why do i stay on the forums ,, becaue i meet people, get to know them, talk about every thing . & have fun . & give some thing that i m compassonate about . hence why i m a part of the trans community world wide .i spend 7 hours all most every night on the forums . because i wont to . not a , have to . not even paid too . so this is a part of my life . & yes i do lots of other things . like sleep . & eating ....& yea live life to the full .. hey its all good .

...noeleena...

[Katesback]

My job brings me into contact with a lot of the girls that are not in the community anymore. They often ask how things are but........they typically lack the desire to go back and try to help. I illustrated some of the reasons earlier.

They will often ask me how I am sooo out and work with the community. For one I tell them that I have two hats. One is tranny hat and two is the girl hat. When not at work I wear the girl hat. Also I tell them that most of my work is educating the general world so as to be able to better assist trans people with services. By working with the general public I can do 100% more to help the trans community than working one on one all the time. Also I get to keep whats left of my sanity!

I do mention to the out girls that it is possible to come back to family on occasions and sit at a support group, listen to the crap, say a few nice things and get out of there at the end. That seems to get some of them to come back!

[Sharon]

Instead of bemoaning and focusing on those post-transitioned folk who do not have anything to offer to others, how about respecting those who haven't forgotten where they came from and haven't abandoned anybody?

There's actually quite a few on this forum itself, y'know.

[Nigella]

This is my signature: Have questions about SRS? I'm a Post-Op and always happy to help., plus I have my thread in Safe Haven that goes into detail about my surgery, so I've always gone out of my way to make myself available to anyone with questions. It's been over two years now, and I've had maybe 3 or 4 people contact me with questions about it, so you tell me who's turning away.

KS :g1:

Some times peeps are scared to ask a question because they may not like the answer. I have told my collegues that they can ask me anything they like about my lifestyle, as long as its not too personal. Some have and some haven't. I believe that they don't believe you when you say "ask I don't bite".

Although I have not had the need to ask GK any questions, this is mainly because there is a large number of differences to the way things are done on either side of the pond.

I hope that when I am post op, as I surely believe I will be someday, if I have any difficulties with that side of my transition, GK will still be there to hold my hand and tell me everything will be allright.

GK, although I don't know you personally, I feel I can trust you enough to turn to you when I need to, I thank you for just being there :hugs::love:

[luvSophia]

Lynn Conway estimated that 1500-2000 SRS surgeries were performed a year on American women. I have no idea how many may be a member of any particular forum or support group, but if no one ever moved on to other things in their life you wouldn't be able to get in the door!

Not every one is well suited to offer support and advice, others thrive on it.

[kellycan27]

Is it necessary to choose? Is it really that hard to "move on" and still stay a part of where you came from??? Are we that single-minded that we cannot do both? I'm just saying.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

Just where is it that you suppose that I " came from"? I have been a member here for less than a year, and before this have never been a member of any TG (or otherwise) support group. You talk like I owe some kind of a debt or something. I don't know what that means.... I am just saying.
As far as giving advice... TBPH I don't feel like I am qualified to give advice that may be life or relationship altering. That should be left up to the professionals.Transitioning (for me) is a means to an end, not a lifestyle. Kudos for those of you who want to remain, I find it quite admirable, but I personally feel that the time is approaching for me to leave the nest, and live the life that I have been working on so hard to achieve. I think that for the 10 or so months that I have been a member, I have been supportive, and I also believe that for the nearly 6 years that I have been living full time 24/7 365 in the mainstream I have been an asset to our community in as much as I have been a visible presence and have represented us in a positive way. Will I abandon my friends? NO, Will I refuse to help them? NO Will I be a card carrying,flag waving activist? NOPE.

[Rianna Humble]

Just where is it that you suppose that I " came from"? I have been a member here for less than a year, and before this have never been a member of any TG (or otherwise) support group. You talk like I owe some kind of a debt or something. I don't know what that means.... I am just saying.

Of course you don't owe us anything. I personally have appreciated your thought-provoking and thoughtful contributions - even when I didn't always want to hear what you were saying.


As far as giving advice... TBPH I don't feel like I am qualified to give advice that may be life or relationship altering. That should be left up to the professionals.

You may not feel qualified for that, but your common-sense comments, which I am sure drew at least in part upon your own experience, have been very useful to a number of us. I appreciate them.


Transitioning (for me) is a means to an end, not a lifestyle. Kudos for those of you who want to remain, I find it quite admirable, but I personally feel that the time is approaching for me to leave the nest, and live the life that I have been working on so hard to achieve.

I will be sorry to lose your contributions, but it so totally your right to choose that course. All I can say is that my best wishes will go with you wherever you are.


I think that for the 10 or so months that I have been a member, I have been supportive, and I also believe that for the nearly 6 years that I have been living full time 24/7 365 in the mainstream I have been an asset to our community in as much as I have been a visible presence and have represented us in a positive way.

I have only known you through this forum and since I joined about 3 months ago. In that time I have come to appreciate your contributions. I have no doubt that you have been a very positive ambassador for us.


Will I abandon my friends? NO, Will I refuse to help them? NO

It would have astonished me had you said anything different - you are too nice a person.


Will I be a card carrying,flag waving activist? NOPE.

Nor should anyone pressure you to be one.

[Sammy777]

I believe it may be psychologically necessary to put the 'inbetweeners' behind as one bravely forges onward into the wonderful world of womanhood,if that might be the new status.

Maybe there no longer is a need for this forum as a support group? Is this a valid assessment ? how others view this?


I have to agree and disagree with the both parts.

This forum may have "lost some of its flavor" with me.
I may not post as much as I did before, but I can never repay what this site [and it's members] have done for me.
Mind you.... when I first came here I thought of myself as [basically] a CD'er.
If not for this site, and the friends I have made I probably would still be denying my true self.

It was the other TS girls here that helped me realize just what it was I am.
And some of them, even now, still help me get thru the day.
The very same ones that helped me say [to myself] YES Im a TS.

Surely, I need them [usually] more then they need me.
I sometimes even feel like an ugly little reminder of what they were.
But they also know that no matter how much it sometimes hurts to see their past in me, They also know I look up to them and see my future in them.

They are not here to say "look at me" but they are here and stay to say "look at what YOU can be" "this CAN be YOU" "This WILL be you"

I'm not saying stay because you feel like you owe this site or anyone here a favor.

But just because you feel you've "outgrow" what is offered is not a reason to leave.

Hey I'm a sarcastic bitch most of the time here lately, LOL, sue me.
Well if transitioning was easy everybody would be doing it.

But I do tend to give half assed decent advice, or at least something to laugh about once in a while.

SO I guess I'm saying is..........
Don't leave because you feel you have to.
We all have something good to give once in a while.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Boy, looks like you sure assumed alot from a couple of short lines. Card-carrying activist? Some kind of debt? I don't know who you're talking about. I said nothing remotely close to that. Didn't talk about giving advice. Didn't say anything about transitioning being a lifestyle. (it's not). What I wrote was pretty simple, and wasn't even all that different from what many others had to say. Yet you picked out my tiny, 3 sentence post(still re-reading, and looking for all that stuff I said! Maybe my reading comprehension isn't on the same level as yours) to respond with another charmingly contrarian speech. I'll tell you what, Kelly- I'll stop right here and choose discretion and civility. And in the future, I would ask that you leave me and my posts alone. Experience has shown me that there is very little to be gained from doing otherwise.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

FYI, "I'm just saying" is what is commonly known as a Colloquialism. You're welcome.

In the end, we all get to choose. People want to share..this is a hard thing to share, and for some this is all they have, or close to it..


it seems totally reasonable to me to choose to accomplish the goal of fully fitting in your proper gender role, and moving on. I imagine (i'm nowhere near this place) that there is a point when its very hard to look back.. Almost like that's the way its supposed to be...

and it seems totally reasonable to me to want to help for no other reason than you want to, or that you feel your experience or wisdom is important..or that you feel your participation is benefitting you!..participation is a good investment...

or maybe you just havent reached that point where you want or need to decide..

or me this is a 2way street..people that try to transition know how difficult it really is (for most..heh) , i know how hard it is to be trapped in a life you don't even understand.. etc etc.....

i am getting so much out of sharing my experience, having people WANT to hear about my life, which is something I never ever had....i could never tell anyone, and so my whole story was a big lie...

i think sometimes folks with the minority point of view may get jumpy when they feel their choice is being attacked, but in an open discussion that has to happen...saying you won't be a card carrying activist is different than saying you are totally leaving "the community" for example, and those are different from leaving an internet forum...all valid and normal choices

its just a different point of view...and by the way...all of us can easily reserve the right to change our minds ...

[Melissa A.]

:iagree:

Hugs,

Melissa:)