When is the right time to tell?

[kimdl93]

Here's a question about building sustainable relationships. We all agree that its better to come out to a significant other early in the relationship.

But how early, and under what circumstances?

In my case, my gf and I had been dating for a couple of months and were intimately involved. My secret came out in one of those intimate bedtime conversations where each was encouraging the other to share a deep intimate implicitly sexual fantasy or desire. It was scary, but also exciting.

For us, this turned out to be a good time - but I imagine for other people it could be catastrophic.

what do you think?

[Brandi Wyne]

Kim, That's a great thing and I wished I'd done that. However, I had major trust issues and would not open myself up to get my heart ripped out by rejection. It's taken me a long time to get where I am and I still haven't had "that" conversation with my wife. It's coming shortly and I don't have high hopes for a good outcome for our relationship. But, it could go the other way, I suppose.

Tell me Kim, after forty-one years of marriage how would you broach such a topic; esp. with her then knowing how I felt and acted all those years we have been together? How will I explain that "it isn't you" but is a component of who I am and who I've always been? Do any of you have any ideas of what setting could mollify any negitive reactions to come out?

[NathalieX66]

That would be the way I would have done it. ....just because that would have been the way i would have done it, being me and all.
There's never really a right time, but as soon as she commits to you, it's best to unlock these kind of secrets.
Look on the bright side. you gave an intimate secret, and you were honest. That should tell her that you trust her and have no problem being intimate on this level. IMO, she should feel good about this. You develop a relationship around trust and openness, and there are no skeletons in the closet.





Here's a question about building sustainable relationships. We all agree that its better to come out to a significant other early in the relationship.

But how early, and under what circumstances?

In my case, my gf and I had been dating for a couple of months and were intimately involved. My secret came out in one of those intimate bedtime conversations where each was encouraging the other to share a deep intimate implicitly sexual fantasy or desire. It was scary, but also exciting.

For us, this turned out to be a good time - but I imagine for other people it could be catastrophic.

what do you think?

[kimdl93]

Brandi, as I may have mentioned, this is my second marriage. I learned a thing or two from the first.

after 41 years...gosh I don't know. I think its a whole different problem when you try to introduce this part of yourself after having a long established relationship.

for us, we were both trying to make sure there were no secrets as we started out...and willing to risk disclosure to make that happen. I suppose that's always a part of a relationship.


That would be the way I would have done it. ....just because that would have been the way i would have done it, being me and all.
There's never really a right time, but as soon as she commits to you, it's best to unlock these kind of secrets.
Look on the bright side. you gave an intimate secret, and you were honest. That should tell her that you trust her and have no problem being intimate on this level. IMO, she should feel good about this. You develop a relationship around trust and openness, and there are no skeletons in the closet.

I guess there is always a risk, but one of the beauties of a relationship is being able to be yourself especially at the most intimate moments.

[NathalieX66]

All I know is I 've wrestled with myself for 35 years, and have done as much homework as possible to to figure myself out. There's nothing I know of that is going to change me no matter how hard I try. Not to sound selfish or arrogant, butI've developed myself in other ways that I feel happy with myself in the grand picture. That being said, I try to give as much clues about myself early on, though not necessarily CD'ing, but just trying to measure how she thinks. Well....enough about me. This is really about you. Her.

[sissystephanie]

The right time to tell is when you decide that you do truly love her and want to be married to her! If that is not the case, don't tell! Wait until you find the proper female!! But don't get married and wait for years to tell her. That is making her, and you, live a lie!! Not a good thing to do!

I told my late wife before we married, and we had a beautiful almost 50 years together before God took her home!

[kimdl93]

All I know is I 've wrestled with myself for 35 years, and have done as much homework as possible to to figure myself out. There's nothing I know of that is going to change me no matter how hard I try. Not to sound selfish or arrogant, butI've developed myself in other ways that I feel happy with myself in the grand picture. That being said, I try to give as much clues about myself early on, though not necessarily CD'ing, but just trying to measure how she thinks. Well....enough about me. This is really about you. Her.

it makes sens to me. It seems to me that its best to share this either before or soon after becoming intimate with someone.


The right time to tell is when you decide that you do truly love her and want to be married to her! If that is not the case, don't tell! Wait until you find the proper female!! But don't get married and wait for years to tell her. That is making her, and you, live a lie!! Not a good thing to do!

I told my late wife before we married, and we had a beautiful almost 50 years together before God took her home!

I'm not sure that I'd wait until I was sure I was in love - but at least until I had enough confidence in the person that I could share intimacies. (not sure how one tells that from love...guess i'm getting more callous as I get older!)

[sherri52]

You did good Kim and I'm glad it worked out well. Once you find a strong bond you should tell just in case it goes badly. If you keep it from her you will hide your secret forever and punish yourself for not telling.

[kimdl93]

You did good Kim and I'm glad it worked out well. Once you find a strong bond you should tell just in case it goes badly. If you keep it from her you will hide your secret forever and punish yourself for not telling.

Hi Sherri, Thanks! It turned out good for us. actually this was meant to pose a rhetorical question - I was hoping the discussion might give some of newer members some additional insights on "when" as well as how.