How and when

[kimdl93]

I think I asked and prefaced my question wrong last time.

For the sake of discussion, would tell us when and how you told your SO about your cross dressing - I'm interested regardless of whether it was early or later in your relationship.

Thanks!

[Michelle 51]

After 32 yrs of marriage.I quit dressing in my teens and only started again in my early 40s so for 20 yrs of marriage i was clean but hid it for 10 yrs after i started again .I told her because it was just too hard to hide everything and i think i wanted to share what has become such a huge part of who i am.

[ShannonDragon]

About 4 to 6 weeks after we started dating in collage. Been married for 31 years now.

[suchacutie]

My first time dressing was for my wife, so the discovery happened together, and continues completely together.

But...

A number of threads here have raised the question in my mind that is the base of this thread: "how do you know when to raise the issue?"

Ok...What doesn't interest me is worrying about losing what looks like a very good LTR prospect. If she is against her man having a femme side then she is no longer a prospect, IMHO.

What does rattle around in my head: "what if she is really interested in the male me and the existence of the female me turns her off completely to the point that she wants retribution for spoiling her vision of the future?" She goes off telling everyone and anyone who will listen, and even though that might be ok if you don't mind being outed, if you don't want to be outed then your world is suddenly upside down.

Maybe I've answered my own question in that it's a matter of trust and understanding what kind of person she is. Given that thought, if I were in a position to break the news of my femme self, I'd want to know about how she views confidential trust. Then I'd want to know what she thinks about gender and relationships. If all that seemed ok, I'd try to show her my soft side...my side that is truly considerate and understanding of her femininity and what's important to her. After letting that settle in, I'd explain where that understanding came from, and the feminine side of me. I'm sure that would quickly move to the self en femme.

So, that's how I'd do it if I were in that position. If at any time she seemed to be totally against any of the points in this position, I'd explain that I thought these things were important, and if she didn't I'd begin to extract myself from the relationship.

It's not an easy thing!

tina

[Nikki A.]

Told my wife when it looked like we might be getting serious. Of course I really wasn't sure what it was all about then and it did raise some problems down the road. But we were together for almost 19 years before she passed away.

[kimdl93]

My first time dressing was for my wife, so the discovery happened together, and continues completely together.

But...

A number of threads here have raised the question in my mind that is the base of this thread: "how do you know when to raise the issue?"

Ok...What doesn't interest me is worrying about losing what looks like a very good LTR prospect. If she is against her man having a femme side then she is no longer a prospect, IMHO.

What does rattle around in my head: "what if she is really interested in the male me and the existence of the female me turns her off completely to the point that she wants retribution for spoiling her vision of the future?" She goes off telling everyone and anyone who will listen, and even though that might be ok if you don't mind being outed, if you don't want to be outed then your world is suddenly upside down.

Maybe I've answered my own question in that it's a matter of trust and understanding what kind of person she is. Given that thought, if I were in a position to break the news of my femme self, I'd want to know about how she views confidential trust. Then I'd want to know what she thinks about gender and relationships. If all that seemed ok, I'd try to show her my soft side...my side that is truly considerate and understanding of her femininity and what's important to her. After letting that settle in, I'd explain where that understanding came from, and the feminine side of me. I'm sure that would quickly move to the self en femme.

So, that's how I'd do it if I were in that position. If at any time she seemed to be totally against any of the points in this position, I'd explain that I thought these things were important, and if she didn't I'd begin to extract myself from the relationship.

It's not an easy thing!

tina

that was a very thorough answer. In that sense you're saying that the time to tell is early, yes, (unless you make the discovery together) but once you have know the person long enough to make a reasonable assessment of their character...(that's a lot less than what you said).

[kimdl93]

About 4 to 6 weeks after we started dating in collage. Been married for 31 years now.

Shannon, what prompted you to open up the subject?

[Ellis]

I told my wife a few months after I met her. Her first reaction was like "So what? Tons of men are crossdressing!".

I'm still happily married after 10 years, I'm thankful that I have a very supportive wife. :battingeyelashes:

She did tell me years later that it was important that I told her early.

[SouthernBelle.GG]

I wasn't told voluntarily. I found his stash of clothes in the trunk of his car when I had to borrow it to go into town. I called him on a pay phone(remember those?) asking whose clothes were in the trunk. He whispered, 'mine'. We had been married almost 2 years. Have been married almost 25 years now.

[trisha59]

A couple of years in to our relationship before we moved in together. Told her sitting around a camp fire.

[dana 1]

my wife and I dated for about six months, before I asked her to marry me, I told her about my past (everything), so I would not have to worry about it later on. been married now for 25 years very very happy, NO SECRETS it's the only way, we are best friends.

[Lorileah]

I don't remember exactly when it came up. We were together in the mid-late 70's and a lot of the men's clothing at the time was sort of feminine. The shirts were silky and the pants form fitting so it wasn't much of a jump to dressing. I always wore men's nylon "panties" and when they quit making them (at least they weren't as easy to find) I just migrated to silk bikinis and then one day I asked if I could buy some high heel slides and we never really discussed it. That was somewhere between the passionate can't keep your hands off each other starting to date and getting married. So maybe over two years? slowly and quietly :)

[sherri52]

With the first wife I got caught dressed by my wife. With the second I told her about two months into the relationship and even slept together while I was dressed. She thought I did my best ever and decided she hated my dressing. I still got married and still got divorced with the dressing being a major part, even though she never saw me dressed again.

[Jennifer in CO]

Simiiilar to Nikki. I brought it up when it looked like we were getting serious. She said she thought I was a girl at first anyway, thought she wasn't a lesbian but couldn't explain the attraction to me, and was relieved when she found out I was a guy.

Jenn

[EnglishRose]

My wife knew before we were married, however she thought it was an underwear fetish thing. Once we had some talks about it, she understood more. Also it helped her to read some informative articles about what CD is and is not.

[MiraM]

I told my current SO before we actually met in person for the first time, and I was dressed the first time we did meet. Of course, it would have been very difficult to hide it since we met in a TG/TS support chat.

[Carroll]

Second date. We both opened up completely so we both knew what we were getting into.

[ShannonDragon]

Shannon, what prompted you to open up the subject?

I am sorry to say... but I really don't remember. I had started dressing before high school and at time really got an "itch" to dress. Or as I remember calling it "feeling weird".

Somehow I worked it in and it went on from there. It did not seem to make any difference to her (she says it still doesn't. Its part of who I am and they are only clothes). We dated for 5 years. I was a 4th year, she just started and had 5 years to go. We got married the fall after she graduated in 78.

[Melanie R]

I told my wife about Melanie one month after we were married in 1980. I prepared and gave her a 32 page epistle explaining Melanie. That epistle is found in her first book, My Husband Wears My Clothes. The rest is history.

[Josie M]

I told mine while we were still dating and as things were getting much more serious. Went thought the pretty standard "are you gay?", and other similar questions but ultimately she was accepting.

Although, one thing I didn't plan on was that soon after coming out to here, we watched "Silence of the Lambs" together....not something I would recommend:straightface:

[tamarav]

Prior to marriage, my wife and I had offices side by side in a hospital. I counseled her on her divorce problems (Part of my job at the time) We became friends, I told her of my CDing 3 years before we got married.

I had to wait a reasonable time for a her former marriage to get over and for her to move on and to give her time to hide from me if she wanted to. It seems after 26 years of marriage she never did want to hide and now and always has fully supported my crossdressing. I work dressed virtually full time but I am still her man.

[Jaydee]

I finally told her about six months ago after 33 years of marriage. I had thought it would go away when we got married but it just went into hibernation for about 10 years. I took my time. I started openly wearing plain black panties about 5 years ago. About three years ago, I let her know that I occasionally wore pantyhose when she wasn't around, but they went into the laundry and back into the dresser. About 2 years ago, I bought a couple bras. She never quite put 2 and 2 together, and thought of it like a fetish that would go away. Our children were now grown and out of the house, my wife had been having medical problems that I didn't want to complicate, but she was doing better. My doctor had put me on TRT, and it seemed like the stars were aligning. One night we were talking and the subject of the bras came up. I quietly explained that it was something I had lived with for a long time, and was a lot more than just a fetish. It opened up a series of long conversations. I can't say she has accepted it, but she is trying to understand and be sympathetic. The support here has been great.

Jaydee

[Sabra Fresh]

I had hinted about to my wife a number of times but never anything more bold than that. It finally came out and up front following a suicide attempt on my part due to gender identity issues.

Were still together, 27 years and counting.

[Wen4cd]

We had been dating since high school, and we were going to the same college, sophomore year, I believe, since we did freshman year at different schools.

This school was a 4 hour drive from our town, each way, and we'd do that drive home every weekend after classes let out on Friday, then back to school Sunday night.

We had hours upon hours alone with each other, to talk. So it came out in that old Ford, on some lonely interstate, during one of those looooong conversations, a good six years before we got married.

I think I said, 'there's some things about me you might not like,' and eventually she made me tell her what those things were. But by the middle of that week we were at the sewing-supply shop looking at patterns. (We both liked to sew.)

[chelle]

Before we were married, I would wear panties every chance I got. About 3 months after we married, I intentionally ran out of clean underwear. I took a shower and when finished I acted surprised that I did not have any clean underwear and asked her what should I do. She said to wear some of her panties so I did and have ever since. Only now I dress in lots more than panties. We've been married 38 yrs now. She does not encourage me, but mostly tolerates it.
Chelle

[Cathytg]

In the case of my first wife, I told her shortly after we were married as we lay in bed one night. Not really the best way I could have done that.

In the case of my present (and last) wife, I told her on our second date. That was much better.

[Madilyn A.]

In my case, our 2nd night on our honeymoon in Italy. That day we had been shopping and found a great Lingerie shop. We bought a garterbelt and a few pairs of stockings, and bustier. That night I asked her to model, she claimed she was tired, I pressed the issue again and she told me I would model for her if I wanted to see them so much. I'm sure she suspected my interest but that sure cleared up any doubt. We shared them the rest of the honeymoon....Madilyn

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

I told my S/O before we decided to date. We kinda had a "dump yer skeletons out of the closet" sit down and it was smooth sailing since :) I've always felt that honesty from the get-go was the best policy.

*hugs*
Zarabeth

[t-girlxsophie]

I made all my mistakes in my first marriage,not revealing my secet,and eventually getting found out pretty early on,We amazingly lasted 10 years
before spliting up

Met my 2nd wife Online,so she knew from beginning,we chatted for months
before meeting,and after a couple of dates Sophie was introduced and we been together 5 years now and married for 2

So I have to say on the whole revealing your secret at the outset is much better for a relationship

[RobynBella]

I've said this before, but with my girlfriend, it was kind of a bet. More like a deal. We were at a friends house. She really wanted to put makeup on me and I said I would let her if we we could get some alone time on her friends bed. And her friend said "okay, but I have a dress for you to wear too." So they did my makeup and I wore the dress. It was a nice fit but strapless, so without breasts it was slipping down. Anyways, we finished the deal, and about a week later, I told my girlfriend that that wasn't the first time I've crossdressed, and I enjoy it, and I've been doing it since I was young. She was very understanding. This was the also the time I told her that I was bi sexual and I've slept with men before. The fact that she is bisexual helped my case. Her attraction to women must make a man in a dress more appealing than it is to a straight woman. And she's so supportive, I tell her everything that goes on with my crossdressing now. She's checked out this site after I told her I joined and says she'll be joining soon. And she's 100 percent behind me in my desire to try to break into the drag queen business. She says she'll be my number one groupie. She's amazing about it and I love her so much. I'm certainly the luckiest man/girl in the world to have found her. It's just too bad that we have to be apart for a while. Richard and I both are waiting for her to come back to us, and she is worth the wait <3

[stellatoo]

Well I'm on my own again after an on/off 3 month relationship with a younger woman! I told her the morning after we first slept together (and it was sleeping! No sex!!). She then went to bed with me where we didn't sleep much:) Things didn't work out tho' but I don't think it was to do with dressing-she even borrowed a bra/panty set and talked about me getting dressed in front of her! Life get's in the way and other things have an effect on how a relationship turns out.

Previously I have always told women I've been out with and only one of them split with me due to simply dressing. I've had relationships that have lasted 5 years, 12 years, and others that were just months long...I always think it's good to get things clear as soon as possible and it's usually not such a big deal-sorry if it has been a big deal in your relationships, I am talking personal experience's!

At the moment I'm on a "mission" to tell friends and now a few people know and seem ok with it. When I tell the guy's at my Kung Fu class that might change:D

[Blaire]

In most of my previous relationships, and also with my marriage, CDing showed up first during playtime - with encouragement from me, or otherwise. My SO knew well in advance of getting married, though I couldn't tell you for the life of me exactly how and when it first came up.

When it was time to propose, I wrote a bit of a poem to do the deed. The first verses were CD related - but at the time, it was still pretty much a bedroom thing for me.

Since then, CDing has shifted/developed/grown to extend outside the playtime box - I've since discovered and accepted that this is a part of who I am, rather than a kinky bedroom attraction - and we're working on the new boundaries that go along with this growth.

The point is, earlier openness counts for a lot - your SO might not like the idea of your CDing, she might not want to see you, she might not want to participate. Not being open at the outset turns those "mights" into "won'ts" in a hurry. Continued openness, and communication, will allow both of you to handle changes in status, such as a change in what CDing means to you or what to do once kids are on the scene; and any tolls CDing puts on the relationship path forward become easier to manage.

[Angie G]

Very late after 38 years of marriage. You vary hot day I told her it wasn't fair girl got to wear skirt and boy can't. We were in the car when we got home she gave me a skirt to wear and it want from there. Now I fully dress 5 day a week.She knows my dad dresses and said thats who you are.I really love her. it's been 4 years now.:hugs:
Angie

[tinalynn]

A couple of months into our dating, I left her at my house to watch the dogs when I went out of town for business. That's when I learned that she's a snoop! When I got home she asked about it. Took me about 10 minutes before I finally answered truthfully. It had been buried so deep for so long, it was hard to admit. All of the usual questions - gay/bi, want to be a girl, srs - and lots of honest 'I don't knows' later, it was okay. She's not a big fan, but tolerates things to the point that I can dress pretty much whenever I want. And she understands that when I'm out of town, a second suitcase goes with me. She doesn't like me going out (worries that I'll get beat down,or worse), but knows that I do (I don't lie about it). Been married now for ~2 years in our ~6 yr relationship.