update: One month since I was outed

[MarinaKirax]

It's been a strange but beautiful month. For the full story on how I accidentally outed myself to my wife of 13 years/sweetheart of 20 years, read my thread called "Well, I got caught..."
Basically, I was caught looking on this forum, and for my wife, it was a mixed bag of shock, and relief when all my strange behaviour of the last 2 years (like hours on Second life, and some pretty unusual webpages accidentally left in the History) was suddenly explained, and it turns out I was a) not seeing anyone else, b) still me, just me with a little 'issue'.

I got some great advice from this forum about issues she would have to deal with, things like worrying if her masculine partner was gone forever, and things I would have to deal with, like the fact that she felt decieved for the last 20 years. Those issues don't disappear in a few weeks, so the most important thing we learned from this forum was to talk, talk, take it slow, respect each others fears, talk some more, and then, finally, talk some more. And then talk.

My wife has been a rock. She was initially shocked, but more intrigued as to how all the pieces of me that hadn't added up now fell into place like a perfect, complete Rubik's cube. The consistency of it all increased her trust in me, and her acceptance increased my trust in her. She is still not ready to see me dressed, but has offered to help me with my makeup on that fateful day, as a way of sharing the experience. It may be easier than walking in the room en femme with bated breath. She knew I was going away for a night on business, and packed me a bag with some makeup, some of her clothes, and even a pantyliner, so it would look like it was her bag 'in case someone looked'. She tearfully presented me with some lingerie that she had purchased for herself, a few years ago, when she was trying to jump-start our sex life. She has allowed me to keep things in the house, locked in case the kids wander around, and we can make jokes about how wierd I am. (My fantasies involve both CD and some bondage). She knows about that, too, and we have spiced up our own sex life a bit, too. There is a new honesty and trust between us that is liberating. Of course, if she ever threatens divorce, I'll have to do her in, because I will never be ready for the world to know what she knows. ;)

I have been asked questions that I never thought to ask myself, and the answers are an education for me.
"What about dressing makes you feel good - the clothes, or the image?"
"Do you want to be a woman?"
"If you could, would you dress as a woman every day?"
"Why do you want to dress in public, as opposed to just at home?"
"Are you sexually attracted to or stimulated by the other people on the forum, or their pictures?"
"If you don't want to physically be a woman, and you're not trying to pick up other CD'ers, then why adopt the feminine speech patterns and the cute comments about each other's shoes, or skirts?"

These are all questions that I had an answer to, but that I had not really thought deeply about. The answers surprised me, and I think they helped explain some things to my wife. I still am stuck with things even I cant explain; there are things which aren't logically consistent, but .... they just ARE.

Anyway, enugh. Cheers, MK
=

[giuseppina]

Hi Marina

Thanks for reminding us that there are genuine ladies out there that are accepting. :)

[sherri52]

Hi Marina: That's a great story and I'm glad you handled it well. Your wife is one special lady. Hold onto her.

[kimdl93]

Its quite a revelation for both of you, I'm sure. I bet that for most of the last 20 years you were sure that your little secret would be too much for her to bear. And now you're out and she's been able to adjust far more that you might ever have imagined!

You're so pretty - its a shame for that part of you to have been hidden so long.

The only advice I can give is - be patient with her, do what you can to reward her for her support and make it a fun part of your lives!

[JamieOH]

first i am glad it is going well. secomnd, those last questions are dusies, i would love to hear everyone answer those. for me, i dont want to physically be a woman, yet i do. i will explain later.

[Leelou]

Marina,
I really enjoyed your post, and remember your original post also. Like you until a month ago, I am in the closet to my wife of nine years. Experiences like yours give me hope that I can someday share this part of myself with her.

I'm very happy for you.

[MarinaKirax]

Leelou, you may surprised that your wife suspects something anyway, even if you think you are stealth itself. This was the case with me. It had to do with things you cant really hide that well, like being irratable when that pink fog hits; being zoned out when all you can think about is dressing, spending time on the computer alone (like this) and then when she comes in the room, you are somehow always looking at your inbox. You might not get caught, but are probably are making her feels something is up - and in my case, my wife interpreted the secrecy as something much worse; infidelity. So she was actually relieved to know that her husband was still in love with her, and that her only worry was how to help her husband deal with this weight of shame, denial, and secrecy. She wanted to help. I think most wives who love their husbands would want to help.
Having said that, I can't imagine how I would bring up this subject. In some ways, getting caught the way I did was perfect; not so shocking as fully dressed, but not so agonizing and un-startable as "Honey, can I talk to you for a sec?". Maybe you should try it! Just don't be so quick when she comes in the room next time and let her see the forum.
Or maybe no one knows what works for anyones marriage. But my point is, it happened to me, and I never thought it possible. So it can happen to you. MK

[Leelou]

Marina,
Thanks for the encouragement. Yeah, she may suspect something or at least not be totally shocked. One time she told me that I was like a woman--and she meant that as a compliment. Meaning that I'm kind and sensitive and have some other positive feminine personality traits.

Again, thanks for sharing your great experience and I hope you keep us posted on how things are going.

[charlie]

Hello Marina!
I was outed by my wife of 10 years about 3 months ago. Life was tense, then bumpy and now just silent on the "topic". She hates my dressing and labels it "not normal". I'm very happy for you that you are experiencing something much better! You are truly blessed! Enjoy your new open life (free of lies) and your accepting wife.

[LisaM]

Marina,

What a great story! You are very lucky and I hope your wife continues to be understanding. Many spouses go through periods of changing views so take it easy and let her lead the way.

[diannecourtney]

Marina:
The best to you and your wife, shhe must be lovely. Your avatar is truly a gorgeous sight. May you live along life.

[kimdl93]

I'm not sure I'd encourage other married dressers to "accidentally" get discovered. As you say, it may be better than being caught en femme, but I think it may be less disruptive to simply admit a curiosity about, oh say, satin panties and stockings, or make up...and see where it leads.

[EnglishRose]

I'm not sure I'd encourage other married dressers to "accidentally" get discovered. As you say, it may be better than being caught en femme, but I think it may be less disruptive to simply admit a curiosity about, oh say, satin panties and stockings, or make up...and see where it leads.

Quite. Have a look at smileinsecret's fiancee post. Even reading her confrontation made me nervous. Would you really want that? With the possibility of WORSE consequences for your relationship?


secomnd, those last questions are dusies, i would love to hear everyone answer those. for me, i dont want to physically be a woman, yet i do. i will explain later.

Aren't they! I've been asking myself the same questions. According to wikipedia I'm a gynephile and while I fantasize about being pretty, I don't want to attract anyone :)

[Brandi Wyne]

It's nice to know that sometimes the end isn't as dire as the anticipation of the end.

As Shakespere wrote, "A coward dies a thousand deaths, a brave man dies but one." I guess I am that coward. It's like holding a potential hand grenaide and having one finger on the pin. "Should I pull it or not?" "Maybe it won't go off." Likely I will be sharing my own "outing to the spouse" story one day soon. I hope it's as good as this one.
:hugs:

[Sally2005]

Hi, very nice avitar. I think the key is accepting it yourself and then it becomes just a matter of fact... vs a big emontional event. For myself, I have taken some major steps, going out on halloween many times enfem, dressing up in front of her parents for that and having some photos on display in our house. She won't talk much about it with me, but she must know I've at least dressed at home on my own (I mean how else could I get so good at doing my makeup and why does it get used up?), I have often thought about just surfing this site in the open...but I'm not sure I'm ready for her to read about all my experiences...like having someone you know read your diary. I think I am going to buy a book or borrow some about makeup and just read them in front of her....I'll just say, I wanted to learn about it because it is incredible what can be done (like on Kid's in the hall)...and I'm sure I'll not be able to hide my smile as she shakes her head and utters my name...

[MarinaKirax]

I'm not sure I'd encourage other married dressers to "accidentally" get discovered. As you say, it may be better than being caught en femme, but I think it may be less disruptive to simply admit a curiosity about, oh say, satin panties and stockings, or make up...and see where it leads.

You're right, Kim. As I've read more here on the forum, I see that for many couples, the best solution probably is fpr some SO's to never know, or at least, never to have to admit they know and deal with the issue. I was just trying to make lemonade out of lemons, I guess. Mine could have gone so much worse. I could have been out and had my car towed and not had enough money to pay the impound, and then had to call my wife to get me and the car. Boy! she would have been mad about that towing fee! ;)

[Christina Horton]

That's just wonderfull hun. I am glad that it sill going good for you after a month. Now remember she might flip flop back and forth between it being ok and her hating it. Just walk softy and carry a big bag of love with you.

It just kills me when I hear tell of a wife or girl friend that can't stand there "man" CDing. It just makes me cry and be thankfull that I am single and ( when ) I go out on a date with a women ( last girl friend was 7 years ago ) I all ways tell them. This new girl I am going to see knows before we are going to meet and that's cool.

So keep your eye open for the flip flop and when that happens make sure you hav flowers :love:or candy or Dimonds.... What ever she like to make sure she does not hate you. And tell her you love her when ever your leaving the house or on the phone.... Allways. Good luck Hun my best wishes are with you. :hugs:

[TGMarla]

Well, that was very uplifting, and I'm very happy that things seem to be working out for the best for both of you. Thanks for sharing.

[tricia_uktv]

Hey thats such a lovely story Marina and has lifted me. The answers to all the questions you are being posed though are simple. I just wish to be myself. That's all its about I'm sure.

[JustWendy]

Marina - how wonderful that you and your wife have been able to work through this together and actually strengthen your relationship. I wish you both much success as you continue to communicate and reinforce your love for each other. I hope you'll keep us up to date. As for the questions, there are a couple in there that I haven't heard before but I'm certainly thinking about now. Thanks so much for sharing your experience.

Wendy

[lucidgirl]

It's been a strange but beautiful month. For the full story on how I accidentally outed myself to my wife of 13 years/sweetheart of 20 years, read my thread called "Well, I got caught..."
Basically, I was caught looking on this forum, and for my wife, it was a mixed bag of shock, and relief when all my strange behaviour of the last 2 years (like hours on Second life, and some pretty unusual webpages accidentally left in the History) was suddenly explained, and it turns out I was a) not seeing anyone else, b) still me, just me with a little 'issue'.

I got some great advice from this forum about issues she would have to deal with, things like worrying if her masculine partner was gone forever, and things I would have to deal with, like the fact that she felt decieved for the last 20 years. Those issues don't disappear in a few weeks, so the most important thing we learned from this forum was to talk, talk, take it slow, respect each others fears, talk some more, and then, finally, talk some more. And then talk.

My wife has been a rock. She was initially shocked, but more intrigued as to how all the pieces of me that hadn't added up now fell into place like a perfect, complete Rubik's cube. The consistency of it all increased her trust in me, and her acceptance increased my trust in her. She is still not ready to see me dressed, but has offered to help me with my makeup on that fateful day, as a way of sharing the experience. It may be easier than walking in the room en femme with bated breath. She knew I was going away for a night on business, and packed me a bag with some makeup, some of her clothes, and even a pantyliner, so it would look like it was her bag 'in case someone looked'. She tearfully presented me with some lingerie that she had purchased for herself, a few years ago, when she was trying to jump-start our sex life. She has allowed me to keep things in the house, locked in case the kids wander around, and we can make jokes about how wierd I am. (My fantasies involve both CD and some bondage). She knows about that, too, and we have spiced up our own sex life a bit, too. There is a new honesty and trust between us that is liberating. Of course, if she ever threatens divorce, I'll have to do her in, because I will never be ready for the world to know what she knows. ;)

I have been asked questions that I never thought to ask myself, and the answers are an education for me.
"What about dressing makes you feel good - the clothes, or the image?"
"Do you want to be a woman?"
"If you could, would you dress as a woman every day?"
"Why do you want to dress in public, as opposed to just at home?"
"Are you sexually attracted to or stimulated by the other people on the forum, or their pictures?"
"If you don't want to physically be a woman, and you're not trying to pick up other CD'ers, then why adopt the feminine speech patterns and the cute comments about each other's shoes, or skirts?"

These are all questions that I had an answer to, but that I had not really thought deeply about. The answers surprised me, and I think they helped explain some things to my wife. I still am stuck with things even I cant explain; there are things which aren't logically consistent, but .... they just ARE.

Anyway, enugh. Cheers, MK
=

Hey Marina, if its ok, could you share what your answers were to the questions you mentioned?

[kimdl93]

You're right, Kim. As I've read more here on the forum, I see that for many couples, the best solution probably is fpr some SO's to never know, or at least, never to have to admit they know and deal with the issue. I was just trying to make lemonade out of lemons, I guess. Mine could have gone so much worse. I could have been out and had my car towed and not had enough money to pay the impound, and then had to call my wife to get me and the car. Boy! she would have been mad about that towing fee! ;)

Marina, you do have a gift for making lemonade! I'm very happy that things have gone so well for you thus far.

coming out is really a critically difficult time. So much depends on your partner's personal attitudes...and its not always possible to anticipate how she'll react. I knew my wife's attitude was supprotive before we married...you have been much more fortunate :)

[Sarah Doepner]

Marina,
I have a lot of respect for both you and your wife as you attempt to handle this new phase in your relationship. It sounds like your wife has some very good questions and it will be interesting to work through them as a couple. I particularly like the last one, paraphrased as "why adopt the personality if you don't want to make the physical change?"

I think it has as much to do with our flawed understanding of what it means to be feminine. We adopt the mannerisms to go along with the clothes and makeup, etc. in an attempt to fit in to that model we have in our mind. I don't want to be a woman, but I appreciate what I believe I understand about the female approach to relationships. Complimenting someone on their cute shoes is one way of trying to fit into that image.

Good luck to you both.

[Samantha43]

Marina,

That is a wonderful story. I hope things continue to work out for the both of you.

[MarinaKirax]

OK, Here goes , for lucidgirl. These are questions from the first post in this thread.

"I have been asked questions that I never thought to ask myself, and the answers are an education for me.
1."What about dressing makes you feel good - the clothes, or the image?"
2."Do you want to be a woman?"
3."If you could, would you dress as a woman every day?"
4."Why do you want to dress in public, as opposed to just at home?"
5."Are you sexually attracted to or stimulated by the other people on the forum, or their pictures?"
6."If you don't want to physically be a woman, and you're not trying to pick up other CD'ers, then why adopt the feminine speech patterns and the cute comments about each other's shoes, or skirts?"

These are all questions that I had an answer to, but that I had not really thought deeply about. The answers surprised me, and I think they helped explain some things to my wife. I still am stuck with things even I cant explain; there are things which aren't logically consistent, but .... they just ARE.

Anyway, enugh. Cheers, MK
=[/QUOTE]

OK, for lucidgirl :
1. I most enjoy the feeling of being , temporarily, a woman. So the image is the most potent for me, but the clothes are a close second. I think this is because I also have a thing for bondage and restraint, and the idea of being slightly hobbled by a tight skirt, unable to walk quickly or run because of my heels, the constriction of tight shapewear, and even the reminders that you cant move your head too fast, because your dangly earrings will swing around; hair that obstructs your vision whenever you lean down. I dont know if I'm alone on that, but there is a real sensualtiy to the constriction and exaggeration of womens clothes.

2. No, I don't want to be a woman forever. I don't want to wake up every day with a vagina, or have periods, or breast tenderness, or give birth. I don't want to have to spend the kind of time I spend to make myself up, every day before I go to work. I don't want to spend my declining years as an old woman, rather than an old man. But for those few hours when I'm wearing a long slip, and a slinky dress, silky stockings and the perfect pair of pumps.... yes... let me imagine...

3. I don't think that I would dress as a woman every day, even if I could. I think some of the sexual electricity that I feel would bleed away. When I zip up a sexy skirt that just pulls perfectly across my hips and upper thighs, and gives me that perfect flat front, and then slip my toes into a pair of dress boots, I don't want to feel the same way I do when I pull on a pair of my everyday jeans. Keep it special.

4. I think dressing and either passing in public, or going out in public with others who know I am male, but accept and treat you as female, is a way of confirming the feminine side I present. I crave confirmation of this temporary delusion I have that I am a woman. I need to see the reflection in the mirror, I love to feel the cling of my clothes, the smell of my perfume, and the unsteadiness of my high heels. I can convince my self I am female. But to convince someone ELSE! or even to make believe that I am convincing someone else ( or maybe going out with others is a shared delusion - I don't know) but it fits into receiving the confirmation from the world that it sees you as a female. And that you are sexy.

5. Sexually attracted sometimes to their pictures, yes. I am not interested in physical relationships with anyone other than my wife. And when I say the pictures can turn me on, it's usually because I imagine myself in those clothes, that pose, or that predicament. (how narcissistic is THAT?)

6. This is one I dont have an answer for; I think we adopt these feminine ways of texting, complimenting, because we are showing others how feminine we are. But it's an effort to fool ourselves, mostly. It's really no different for me than the clothes; I am a male, and I know it, but I try, and sometimes do, fool myself into believing I am a woman for a few hours by padding my body, slipping into clothes, and donning attractive jewellry and hair. Isn't it part of the same process when I adopt gentle, social, bubbly but proer girl-talk? It's not to say I don't really love the shoes in your pictures, but I understand I said it as much for me as for you.

Now, this is ME. All you other girls are probably MUCH more psychologivcally twisted! ;) :)

[kimdl93]

I will confess to being self deluding, nacissistic, and any number of things associated with pretending to be something that I'm technically not. But, I enjoy the perogative tas a human being.

[JustWendy]

MK, thanks for sharing your answers. #6 is the one that I had never thought of before and would have been unprepared to answer off the top of my head. I think you expressed it very well. I had trouble at first referring to myself and others on this site as girls, but soon came to enjoy it as it was one more thing that reaffirmed the feminine mood I was in. It's also nice to freely offer hugs which is something I only do on this site.

Wendy :hugs:

[Josey]

A great story and well written!

[lucidgirl]

Thanks Marina ! #6 was always my stumbling block too - you've certainly presented a new perspective.

[BethLacy]

Wow Marina, instant acceptance after getting caught. You're a lucky girl indeed, congrats. My getting caught story was much more painful and took a dozen years or so to play out. She fully accepts me now but that is rather recent. Cherish your sweetie as I cherish mine and never stop listening dear.

[sonia_dargency]

you may surprised that your wife suspects something anyway, even if you think you are stealth itself.


I agree with that, women are far from being idiots; my wife knows but does want hear/talk/know about "it". So I try to indulge myself without her knowledge, or so I think...

I think she knows a bit of what is going on, but as long as it's not in her way, she doesn't say anything. She guesses that I am not ALWAYS working on the computer...

I am sincerely glad that things are going well for you, and thank you for sharing, every little thing helps.