A crossdresser? well... i dont' know.

[girlalex]

Exactly. the title says it all. I thought i was just a cd up until just recently that it has been the 100th or something time that i wished i had breasts. i thought i stopped at just enjoying who i am and all that i can wear. i've been also angry at myself for not looking at women as much as i used to, i never really looked at women in that sort of way. it was somewhere between a sexual way and "oh i wish i had her body/breasts" just the other day i saw a very pretty girl at the mall close to my age maybe a bit older. she was HOT. perfect everything. then i realized that what i was actually thinking wasn't what i wanted myself to think. my unconsciousness was many steps ahead of me when a split second later i noticed that i wasn't attracted to her but jealous of her perfectly feminine body.
i really don't know what else to say. its too overwhelming also that the whole femme/emotion thing been fluctuating. i've been depressed and mood swings and it all very irritating. and the most confusing part about the whole thing is that i keep telling myself why couldn't i just start going to the gym to build up some muscle and get a girlfriend like i should have for a some time. honestly if i really want to i can do it. i feel like now is the time that i can really go out there and do it yet, which brings me to my next question: why am i still on this website reading and writing?
can anyone just honestly help me please?

[GypsyKaren]

Why do you want breasts and what do you think having them will do for you?

Karen

[girlalex]

make me feel complete. yet the desire to have them comes and goes. i guess its what you call the pink fog. sometimes not all the time the desire to be as female as possible goes through the roof. but i highly doubt that its a phase. i hope it is.

[GypsyKaren]

The thing with breasts is they don't come and go, they're a permanent fixture that are hard to hide and explain. Perhaps instead of thinking about breasts, you should think about who you are inside and what direction you think your life should take, a decision there could help with your questions and desires.

Karen

[girlalex]

Perhaps instead of thinking about breasts, you should think about who you are inside


That's the problem. that sometimes im thinking i was born in the wrong body and i wish i had all the physical female characteristics. but i see what your saying. im still pretty young and i should be thinking about planning my future and getting my education. that should really be the first thing on my list if i want a smother transition if it comes to that later. i guess so. time will tell.

[GypsyKaren]

Education is important, but I meant whether you'd want to live your life as a woman, and if you feel that's who you are.

KS

[Faith_G]

Bodybuilding and finding a girlfriend is not going to make those feelings go away. Please don't mess up someone else's life in an attempt to "fix" yourself. A therapist can help you ask the right questions of yourself, find out who you are and act accordingly. :happy: I went through the same kind of questioning myself not that long ago.

BTW, I like the your new avatar a lot better than the old one. ;)

[Stephenie S]

Your replies seem a bit superficial, dear.

You talk about having breasts as if that will make you a woman (it won't, not by a long shot), and then you talk about getting muscles in order to get a girlfriend (that won't work either).

Try to think a bit deeper than these superficialities. Life is not all about appearances.

Stephie

[Eileen]

I agree with Faith, see a therapist. As you say you are young and need to know what it is you truly want to do.

Eileen

[Super Amanda]

Been there, for sure. I had a similar experience to the one you had. A few years ago, I was deep into the "fog" when one day, just seeing a beautiful girl my age - perfect in every aspect as I perceived her, made me so envious, and depressed. Knowing that the unchangeable aspects of my body were just that, unchangeable, was very heartbreaking.

I started to read threads here from the TS girls, and found that many transitioned women were VERY happy, not necessarily because of how they looked, but because they were finally being themselves. The more stories of transitioned girls I would read about, the more it became crystal clear to me what I had to do.

You're younger than I was when I had the thoughts you're having, but you should know by now that this part of you will never go away, and hooking up with a girl, and get muscles to try to redeem yourself as a man somehow will not work. Besides if you do get all muscular, you will regret it in the future if you plan on transitioning. Also, it's not fair to any girl for you to use her as a tool to try to "fix" you (which will NOT work!), as someone else said.

You said "why am I still on this website?" at the end of your post.... I think you're here because like you said, your mind is a step or two ahead of you, and if you look deep into yourself, you can find the answer.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

100's of times??? got you beat times 1000's of times!! LOL

All these things you are talking about are common thoughts in transsexuals living as guys, but they are also common in crossdressers trying to figure out their own needs.

Karen is right ...you need to think about how you feel on the inside...
breasts and other body parts are sometimes the only way for a young "guy" to relate to women or should I say relate to being a woman. This is not something that is easily figured out by most...

its also pretty common to tell people all about what you are thinking, and hope that they say "oh, you are trannsexual, or you are a crossdresser,etc"...
I've heard people say, "oh, i was diagnosed as trannsexual", and I always feel a pit in my stomach and hope that person is going to be happy...you have to really get to that place in your own head

it can be a relief to be "told" what you "are", but that's a false relief. no one can take the responsibility for you and its one of the most difficult parts of what you are going through..

You said something as well that hints at your thinking...you said that you "should be...." working out and dating...do you really feel this way? you said you were angry at yourself when you realized what you are really thinking .. in other words, are you ashamed about your feelings (this is very common)..

maybe you think you are not but its clear from your statements that this is somethign you need to think about...feeling ashamed is a big roadblock for many trans people, and it doesnt help you clear your mind for important decisions you will have to make. saying you are angry at YOURSELF for BEING YOURSELF is a pretty difficult place to be and I should know, I spent many years in that place

you are very young, and you are smart to be focusing on this now and trying to figure it all out...

[Byanca]

Rather similar to me. Only breasts is not so important to me, but I'd kill for a bigger ass.

I've also had sex a few times and hoped there would be children from it so that part was done. But that never happened. And I have given up on that. My sexual attraction to women is also low, but so is it to men. Anyhow. I would have made a kid or two if I could even if it would have been selfish. That is what is holding me back, that potential to create life. Like potency. And I see lot's of other who transition after they have a few kids.

I think this is normal to want to have a family. Or else there is a much higher chance you will grow old alone.

So dont know. I dont care about anything else. But this is an important thing I must find out if I can live without. I even think it may be better that they hate you then if they are not there at all.

There is also the option of spermbank you can use later when everything is settled. This is a way as well, maybe more realistic. But severe complications regarding this also.

[LisaM]

Girlalex,

I went back and read a few of your earlier posts. I think the advice that has been offered is pretty good---you need to find a gender therapist. You are struggling with some pretty major issues and you need some help finding answers.

I wish you well--it is a difficult road but I wish I were your age again with your choices.

[Hope]

We all go through periods in our lives where we think that if we just "man up" this will go away. Everyone here who hasn't - raise your hand.

It doesn't go away. Again - show of hands... No one? Ok.

The feelings you are describing are normal. Statistically, for this community, at least.

At the same time you are being accused of being sort of superficial. And it is a fair accusation - a focus on boobs and muscles is pretty superficial I think you will admit. But that too is pretty normal. Everyone is superficial at some point or another. All your superficiality means right now is that you are not yet ready to be involved with any serious irreversible treatments, it doesn't mean that you are not "normal"/TG/TS/CD/whatever - it just means that you don't really know what the hell you are yet. That is cool.

One way to become less superficial is to learn to be in better touch with your emotions, to learn what it is that motivates you - and why. One of the easiest ways to go about doing that is to see a therapist. This has the added bonus of putting you in a good position to understand your gender issues better, and on track to tackle some of the more complicated and permanent treatment options should you decide you need to be involved with them in the future. It's a bonus all the way around.

Yes, you need to finnish school and starting a career and all of that - but don't let work get in the way of living your life. That is what this stuff is about. Do this too.

[girlalex]

Your replies seem a bit superficial, dear.

You talk about having breasts as if that will make you a woman (it won't, not by a long shot), and then you talk about getting muscles in order to get a girlfriend (that won't work either).

Try to think a bit deeper than these superficialities. Life is not all about appearances.

Stephie

I know know. i say one thing but then think otherwise. sometimes im just way too confused about who i am.

[girlalex]

Thanx for all the replies everyone:love:

yep, so a therapists sounds like a pretty logical step for now.

does anyone know if your health insurance can cover the coasts?

[Genifer Teal]

I think all the right things have been said by those here with great experience. Realize that now is the time to sort this out. You have plenty of life ahead of you. Don't rush this by any means, but the sooner you figure this out, the sooner you can set a path for the rest of your life. Regardless, keep up with your studies. Education is always important.

Gen

[Nicola2876]

Hi!
I just wanted to offer my support and say I've felt the same confusion and inner conflict as you. I have seen a therapist once and go again on thursday and she is helping me to sort through my feelings. She said something last time along the lines of there being many different degrees of gender and sexuality and they aren't black and white so don't feel the need to be 100% one or the other.
I would say take your time and find someone to talk to to help.
I've also spoken to a MTF transexual and got some really good advice.
Try not to beat yourself up over how you feel because if you feel it it can't be wrong xx

[Hope]

yep, so a therapists sounds like a pretty logical step for now.

does anyone know if your health insurance can cover the coasts?

Absolutely! It is one of the few transition related expenses insurance will pay for.

Provided of course that your insurance covers mental health...

It is a good idea, during the first session, to talk with your therapist about diagnosis and insurance. Generally a diagnosis of depression or anxiety or something else is completely appropriate and it keeps gender issues out of your medical history... at least initially. The vast majority of therapists who do work with the TG community do other work as well.

Also be aware that your insurance provider may only pay a portion of the cost of your care. My insurer pays $35 which is less than a 1/3 of the cost... but it is better than a sharp stick in the eye. If you are young and poor, you may likely be able to negotiate a reduced rate with your therapist - but that is between you and your therapist. Many doctors take clients who can't afford their usual rates.

What ever you end up paying - think of it like this: How much is your mental / emotional health worth to you?

[Jocelyn Quivers]

i keep telling myself why couldn't i just start going to the gym to build up some muscle and get a girlfriend like i should have for a some time. honestly if i really want to i can do it. i feel like now is the time that i can really go out there and do it yet, which brings me to my next question: why am i still on this website reading and writing?
can anyone just honestly help me please?

I will just say from personal experience going to the gym and building up muscle probably will not help much if you are experiencing gender issues. Being that was my solution throughout my teenage and early adult years, and you can see how that turned out for me:

What has helped me is excepting this as a part of who I am. It genuinely has made me a more relaxed, less uptight, happier person. BTW I still lift weights but for different reasons other than trying to cure myself.

[sandra-leigh]

We all go through periods in our lives where we think that if we just "man up" this will go away. Everyone here who hasn't - raise your hand.


Hand up here. After I realized that I was a cross-dresser, I haven't thought once about "manning up". The closest I've come to that is to wonder whether part of my drive to cross-dress was self-supplying of some psychological things I was not deriving from the people around me, and thus to wonder, if my environment changed whether I would feel the drive as strongly. But that's "as strongly", not "go away" -- wearing a skirt feels too right for me to expect the urge to go away for good.


The realistic messages about the side effects of hormones or implants: those are scary, but in a good way, helping me to decide how important boobs are compared to other things. But some things are not rational, and I have a sinking feeling that some day, eventually, my internal needs are going to outweigh my concern about the side effects.

[Byanca]

For me boobs is just part of the package. Only boobs would do little. But it would be lovely to have something to fill the bra, because I feel empty when flat chested. There is something not quite right.

Body hair is my nr.1 enemy, and causes me severe depression. So it's more the stuff I would like to get rid of, then what I would like to add.

It's like driving around with an empty car trailer, totally useless and only serves to produce headache.

[Billijo49504]

I'm not in transition, I'm just a crossdresser, BUT I have breasts. My 42c is starting to get to a D cup. I sure wish I could take them off, some times. Like going to the beach. You get to wear big shirts and slouch a lot, to hide them. Be carefull what you wish for. Mine are from thyroid cancer.:love:...BJ

[AmandaM]

I feel what you feel kiddo. I think I'm somewhere between a crossdresser and a transsexual. I don't know really, which I am. I do at times think I'm a transsexual, but with a family, etc. I try to dismiss the thought. But, I'd give anything to be some of the beautiful young women I always see. Also, I know a guy who was taking hormones, probable transsexual, and "she" looked good. At the last minute, she changed her mind, and now simply lives as a crossdresser. So, even though you have these feelings, they may not be strong enough or long lasting enough to definitely peg you as a transsexual. This is what therapy will help you figure out.

[SuzanneBender]

My heart goes out to you right now hon because I know all of these emotions are overwhelming, a bit scary and way too confusing. You should take solace in the fact that you are working through this issue now and that you have all of these wonderful women from this site and other resources to lean on. This site is littered with ladies that did not own up to what you are wrestling with until much later in their life. I know because I am one of them. Now for some advice from the ghost of opportunities past.....because, Ester Scrooge, you don't want to end up like Jackie Marley and live what seems to be an eternal hell laiden down with her feather boa and 5" heels at 40 years old with a dismayed family looking on.


Bodybuilding and finding a girlfriend is not going to make those feelings go away. Please don't mess up someone else's life in an attempt to "fix" yourself. This is probably the best advice in this thread. So many women prove that they are real men by pretending they are someone they may not be. We prove our manhood by building huge pecs, kicking butt on the sports field, joining the military, marrying a wonderful woman, and having awesome kids. If you read a lot of posts from many of the TS's on this site you will notice that eventually they turn around and realize that no matter how much they have tried it was in vain. At that point wrestling with the reality you may be wrestling with now is ten times more difficult. You will have loved ones in your life that are there because of false pretenses. Trust me......I just described myself.


All these things you are talking about are common thoughts in transsexuals living as guys, but they are also common in crossdressers trying to figure out their own needs. This is why finding a therapist is important. They can't tell you who you are inside, but a good one can help you find the answer for yourself. Kind of like a ghost from a bad dream. Unless I eat a Chipotle burrito before bed and then the ghosts never help me find the answers.


you said you were angry at yourself when you realized what you are really thinking .. in other words, are you ashamed about your feelings (this is very common).. Shame is a powerful weapon and it makes many people afraid to live out their lives the way the want. Overcome this while you are young. Live a shameless life in which you are true to yourself and not the desires of others. Many of us did not do that and now we gaze daily on graves of what might have been.

Sorry for the sappy Christmas Carol cliche's but they are applicable. You are young and at a crossroad. Take the time to learn to be proud of you, no matter who you are. Then you will be able to make a clear decission about which path to travel. Never forget to see life from the front of your eyes, always smile, and be true to your heart.

God bless you and God bless us one and all. :heehee:

[TerryTerri]

My realization about all this started out as crossdressing. I was also full of shame and guilt about it, yet couldn't really stop. I'd purge on occasion and all the other games we play with ourselves. But, I just felt so ashamed about it all. Then, one day I had a most wonderful epiphany. Cross dressing harms no one! It is nothing like being a pedophile where true harm is inflicted upon others. Cross dressing is much more common than you realize and it is HARMLESS. That epiphany helped me lose most of the shame and guilt about all this. It also planted the seeds of the self-discovery of my real self. By no longer feeling ashamed, I was able to embrace it (so to speak), explore it and experience it without feeling bad about. I could do it not just because I HAD to but, also because I wanted to. However, my life situations often interfered with my cross dressing desires.

Then, one fateful day, I woke up with the all encompasing desire to have a female body and be female, not just dress like one. It defintiely threw me for a loop. I had never thought about being a woman, just dressing like one. Well, I wrestled and fought that for almost 2 years until one day I realized I was having suicidal thoughts and I knew gender issues were at the root. I sought a gender therapist (covered by my insurance, diagnosed as depression, which is very true. I was depressed enough to have suicidal thoughts).

When I saw her, I hit the deck running. I held nothing back and dove right into it. I knew that I had to be completely utterly honest with her and I had to unabashedly tackle this 'stuff' if I was going to get anywhere. I was just trying to figure out what was going on with me and how I could be at peace inside my own skin. It wasn't necessarily to transition or anything else. I made no assumption of what my answers would be. But, I knew I needed to find them. She was comfortable and confident at letting me know after our first session that I am transgendered. As I have examined more of myself and learned more I understand why she saw it so easily. Gender is an interesting thing. My favorite quote about it is that "we don't see it because it is everywhere. It is a very subtle thing simply because it is so overt."

Yep, I have a ton of female to me I hadn't recognised as female, if that makes any sense.
I am so so glad I sought her help. We went through my history and present and she gave me the affirmations that I needed in order to admit to myself I am in fact transgendered, not just a cross dresser. As mentioned above, it is only my awarness and admission that truely counts. But, I couldn't have made that without my counselor's afirmation.

Anyway, In February/March of 2009 I started on a hormone regime. My primary focus (thus far) about this regime has been the mental and emotional effect removing the testostrone and adding estrogen has upon my emotional and mental world. I am just so much more comfortable and I don't have nearly as strong of a fractured feeling inside.

I still have a LONG way to go. I have no current plan to transition and I'm pretty scared about the prospect. Yet, as time continues and I learn more about myself, the more I am realizing that I may not really have a practical choice. It is distinctly possible (probable?) that I will reach an internal point where I basically have to transition because I will no longer be able to not transition. I'm not there yet.
I am also finding these issues to be pandora's box sorts of things. Several significant things have happened in my life as a direct result of exploring my transgender issues.

These gender issues, once awakened, take on a progression of their own and will not allow me to drop them, forget about them, or even put them on a back-burner for awhile. I tryed to put this stuff on a backburner for a bit to help deal with some major changes with my life. But, they ain't letting me.
If I had any regrets about all this it is simply I wish I had been able to start this all when I was in my 20's instead of late 40's.

I hope you are able to figure out the right answers for you. I shared my 'story' in an attempt to help you in figureig all this out. Perhaps you see some similarities. Perhaps not.

[Hope]

Hand up here. After I realized that I was a cross-dresser, I haven't thought once about "manning up". The closest I've come to that is to wonder whether part of my drive to cross-dress was self-supplying of some psychological things I was not deriving from the people around me, and thus to wonder, if my environment changed whether I would feel the drive as strongly. But that's "as strongly", not "go away" -- wearing a skirt feels too right for me to expect the urge to go away for good.

This look on my face - that is envy. Good for you, I wish more of us could be this clear this early in our lives without having to go through the years of knot knowing... Hell - I'm still working on figuring out where I fall on the spectrum - but finding it is much more femme than I had originally thought.

[girlalex]

Thanks for sharing the story.:thumbsup:

like i said before for me cding is like opening the gates to my identity. on occasion when no one is home on an early morning, all it takes is some makeup and a girly hair style for me to feel normal. and how do i know i feel normal. because when i have female cloths on me+some make up i feel more calm and less grumpy. i feel like a barrier has been lifted of my mind and i can think more freely. everything seems simpler and more fun i guess. its a wired feeling i can't really describe. ok. well when im in guy mode my mood is: i have no mood. people at work tell me to smile, yet im not mad or anything. everything is just dull and artificial when im in guy mode which is like 95 percent of the time.

[sandra-leigh]

This look on my face - that is envy. Good for you, I wish more of us could be this clear this early in our lives without having to go through the years of knot knowing... Hell - I'm still working on figuring out where I fall on the spectrum - but finding it is much more femme than I had originally thought.

Not so early for me: I didn't realize I was a cross-dresser until I was 43. I had various excuses... e.g., I was "just trying on" my wife's clothes "to see how they would go together", "just trying to figure out" what kind of bra would look best on her -- to realize that I wanted to actually wear the clothes was a big revelation to me.

I'm still struggling with where I am in the spectrum as well. I'm going to a gender therapist, who is emphasizing that I should not start by labeling myself, but should instead experiment and see how I feel about things.


how do i know i feel normal. because when i have female cloths on me+some make up i feel more calm and less grumpy. i feel like a barrier has been lifted of my mind and i can think more freely. everything seems simpler and more fun i guess.

You mentioned that in your original posting that you were feeling depressed. Is it possible that you have some degree of clinical depression? Because I had a quite bad case of Depression, and found that cross-dressing was one of the few things that made me feel normal and hopeful, that the clouds lifted from my mind and I could think and plan and initiate. If you have an inner brain gender conflict, then cross-dressing could be helping to resolve that conflict and making your brain chemistry run smoothly. Seriously. My doctor couldn't figure out why my brain was resisting anti-depressants until I finally told him about me being CD/TG, and then everything fell together for him.

[Starling]

...feeling ashamed is a big roadblock for many trans people...you are very young, and you are smart to be focusing on this now and trying to figure it all out...

Amen, Kaitlyn! Denying your true feelings only leads to sadness and regret. I speak from painful personal experience of the half-life so many of us live. Young people, please, please take advantage of the resources that are now available to help you draw your true self into the light.

:daydreaming: Lallie

[Ranma]

I wish i had something to say that could help but honestly i'm still trying to work through my own body issues. Really i guess I am just trying to say that you are not alone in this.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

:heehee:


I wish i had something to say that could help but honestly i'm still trying to work through my own body issues. Really i guess I am just trying to say that you are not alone in this.

Gosh did I love Ranma....I spent years searching for the pool he fell into!!!