A lil bit frustrated...

[Super Amanda]

In my guy days, I always worked on my own cars. I was no master mechanic by any means, but I was a decent troubleshooter. Getting into cars was just one of the things I tried to do to fit in with the boys, and it never really got me to excited.

Here I am today, on the verge of tears, because my family keeps expecting me to fix broken piece of crap cars.

Without going into boring details, I said back when I came out that I wasn't going to fix cars or go up on roofs and stuff anymore.

What I'm getting at is that I don't want to do those types of things again. Ever. And I'm torn between knowing how to do technical things, but not wanting to do it. The further along in my transition I go, the more doing guy things doesn't just feel wrong, it's starting to hurt me, like in my heart. I get this lump in my throat like when you wake up from a good dream, and realize it was not real.

I want everyone to treat me like a woman, but I don't think my family will ever really be able to do it. They accept me and all, but I feel like when it comes down to it, they don't understand whats the big deal in all of this. I feel like I need to stand up and shout : "Don't ask me to pick up something heavy for you, don't ask me to fix something that is broken, don't ask me to go up on the roof to look at the cooler!!!"

Am I crazy, or what?

[gillian1968]

Hi Amanda,

It's OK to feel that way... I will always be the computer geek. And I just bought a big SUV. You can work on cars.

We all have these gifts, these things that we can do. It doesn't mean we're less of a woman.

One thing that helped me not feel so weird about buying my SUV is that my sister has always bought the biggest baddest trucks she could afford. I'm inspired by her, and have always admired her.

The world needs more strong female role models.

You know who I think of when I think of female mechanic? I think of Letty from The Fast and the Furious (played by Michelle Rodriguez)...

[LisaM]

Amanda,

I agree with you. If I transition I would not want everyone coming to me to do male tasks. I feel for you and I expect that you and your family will find a balance.

[Teri Jean]

Hi Amanda, the idea of not wanting to do the things you have done as a male is something I can understand. I like the house work and shopping. I would be content in being a cared for woman but being single and working means I have to do the stuff I did before as well as my late wife's chores. For that we still have some obligations.

Teri

[Mariah]

I personaly love cars, driving driving and if I could working on them. I love modifying the cars, and most of the people I talk to are other weman that do to. but I agree with you tell you family to piss off. mine does that with computers ( 20 years of computer experince here!) and it's anoying to alway be the "goto" gal to fix them when they brake, I finaly told them there is a best buy have fun.

Mariah

[love heels]

I know where you are coming from Amanda i would feel exactly the same, i would not want to do anything "male". I would want to be treated fem not get my hansds dirty break my nails lift heavy things!
Here is the funny thing my wife who is delicate would get offended if she wasnt asked to help, she likes to get stuck in! equal rights and all!
Maybe going to the extreme of being treated very fem helps us to fit in our own way, i think thats what your family need to know!:)

[Byanca]

I have usually said no to do heavy things. Not because I can't do it. But it will build muscle on the wrong places. And I've never liked that, it's bad enough as it is. My family have usually let it be. Often I just say no, especially if it is something meaningless. I do get the lighter tasks so it's fine. If I'm home everyone have to do something since it's a farm. And there is room for two to do do girl things, since it's just my mom and for that.

I do tend to fix my own car(but no one knows). That's just because I dont have money to send it in. I don't like it, but I have to, if I am to have a car. And it's only once a year I change some things that is worn.

If/when I get to transition I'm pretty sure I would dislike it even more. But as I use heavy gloves so as not to get my hands dirty It's not too bad. Actually I think lots of guys think it sexy with a girl that can change a tire, if they are tired or something. As long as they get to do it most of the time. But some of these things are handy to know if you dont have a man close by, generally they love to do these things.

I don't know. Sitting at the side of the road crying, makeup a mess and hoping someone will help change the tire is cute and girly. But if no one does stop to help, it may become real depressing after a while. Especially if it gets dark...

So I'm fine with a medium road. I like people to help me. But if no one does, I also like to just be able to do it, to get it over with.

[GypsyKaren]

You're giving yourself a new life and you want that to involve new ways, there's sure nothing wrong with that.

Karen :g1:

[Katesback]

Used to love working on shit. I have mechanics licenses even. Fast forward to today. I hate it. It is a major ordeal for me to work on that shit. I even have to mentally prepare myself and also go jogging and get all yuckey before I tear into the stuff. Finally rubber gloves are a certainty.

[Faith_G]

No Amanda, you are not crazy. :hugs: You broke out of the "guy box" and now it feels like your family is trying to stuff you back in. You have a right to feel frustrated. Have you told them you won't fix their junk anymore? And that the only reason you ever fixed their junk in the first place was that you felt trapped into doing it?


Obligatory feminist disclaimer:
That's not to say that girls can't or shouldn't fix cars and patch roofs. A girl can fix a car - if she wants to. This girl still likes to fix cars. :happy:

[TerryTerri]

I'll just add my affirmation to the pile that I think it's okay for you to not wish to fix cars anymore. Perhaps next time you are asked you can politely decline and then offer some typically girl favor such as helping to coordinate ones clothes or shopping or some other such thing. Perhaps it will nudge your family into realizing you are no longer the same.

That being said, I am personally like Faith in that I enjoy working on stuff. One of the 'missions' in my life is to "fix broke stuff". I always graviate towards that task and skills. I have driven a "junker" as my car/truck/van for virtually all my adult life. In an oxymoronic way I am really proud to be driving a perfectly useable automobile that would no longer be useful if not for my ability to repair it. There's a saying in my family. If you give my brother a perfectly good car, in six months it will be a piece of junk. And, if you give me a piece of junk, in six months you will have a perfectly good car. I work or have worked on autos, motorcycles, juke boxes, vintage electronic gear, pianos, computers, washers, dryers, dishwashers, etc.

I know that doing these things, for myself, is outside of my gender, it is simply an integral part of me. If it is not very 'feminine', then so be it.

My gg bff drives a Nissan Fairlady Z with intercoolers, dual turbo chargers, methonal injection and other such stuff. It is a REALLY high performance vehicle and she has done most of the work on it herself, except for the things requiring expensive diagnostic machines and such. She is also a GORGEOUS blond bombshell! She definitely does not present the appearence of someone who'd be able to give you a disertation on turbocharger wastegate optimization, until you closely look at the hands.
I will say that I do not like getting my hands all greasy and dirty fingernails and all that yucky stuff whereas before it didn't bother me at all.

[Super Amanda]

Thanks for all of the replies, ladies. Ya know, it's not so much the actual task, but the fact that I'm expected to be up to it...I used to enjoy modifying cars for improvement or performance, but fixing a broke down P.O.S. is no fun to anybody.

There are many other thing surrounding the events of today that factor into how I feel, and they all just kind of came down on me all at once. I'm feeling better now. :)

[Hope]

I think I would be a little frustrated too... not wanting to do things that were associated with one's old life is completely reasonable. Of course - it is also reasonable for your family and friends to expect you to do the same things you have always done, until you explain to them how you feel about doing the "guy" things. My guess, without knowing more about your family, is that they are not being insensitive - just oblivious. But who am I to say? They just might have secret meetings where they plan ways to make you crazy...

[Felicity71]

I feel for you there. People just assume too much. When my dad talks about his trucks and how to mechanically keep them going, i just yawn.

[Brooke Smith]

Here I go again,and honestly I don't want to be confrontational but I have to disagree with the majority of the responses.Long before I realized I was transgendered, I was a feminist.

I believed then and still believe today gender should in no way limit or exclude a person from any job or task they may otherwise be physically capable. Men and women should share work equally without their jobs being driven by obsolete gender stereotypes.

I certainly understand not wanting to work on the old clunker or any number of other typical "guy" related jobs that at best just suck,but,if your the best girl for the job,just do it.

Personally for me ,the sexiest females are the ones who are the most capable and ready for any challenge.

[Sally2005]

I don't think it is gender. Some people don't change and they expect the world to stay the same...but you have changed. Older parents are like that and the worst part, even if you tell them you 'don't do that anymore' they still ask and ask and ask... until you say what they want to hear.

There is nothing wrong with doing guy things when you are female. I think it comes down to getting all dirty and ruining your nails etc. If you don't want to do it, just say so....like 'ewww, no way I'm ruining my nails for your rust bucket'... Sometimes you have to act the way you want to be treated (what's a woman going to say if someone asks her to lift a heavy object...no way, you better find a man to do it). One way to get people to stop asking you is to do a poor job at it...cause more problems than existed (they might get mad at you though).

[Super Amanda]

gender should in no way limit or exclude a person from any job or task they may otherwise be physically capable.


I wholeheartedly agree!! I was at AutoZone the other day, and a female employee ( a quite hefty one, I might add..hefty, NOT pregnant) was having all of her customers carry around their own parts if they were heavy, like a battery (which weighs about what a toddler weighs, which women carry around all the time). It pissed me off, because, one; I worked at AutoZone myself, and that's horrible customer service, and two; why should I be expected to do her job for her? If she cannot lift 45 lbs, she should not have been hired, I'm sorry, but I worked with many women at "The Zone", and most of them were great employees, going out of their way to show the men they could do as good-or better! But that was back in 98-00...The quality of service in that company has gone down the tubes since then....



I certainly understand not wanting to work on the old clunker or any number of other typical "guy" related jobs that at best just suck,but,if your the best girl for the job,just do it.



It's just in my situation, I am far from the best person for the job, but I'm also the one who never can say no...so I feel like sometimes my family takes advantage of me because I usually won't bitch too much if asked to do an inconvenient favor.

[Super Amanda]

. One way to get people to stop asking you is to do a poor job at it...cause more problems than existed (they might get mad at you though).


Unfortunately I'm one of those annoying types that constantly preach about "If somethings worth doing, it's worth doing right!" So I think they would know...Like I said in a follow up post in this thread, there are many other things surrounding this whole situation, that are too boring and long winded to go into here, but suffice it to say, I feel much better today. I'm going through hormonal changes and major social changes, and some days just are "heavier" than others, ya know? :P

[Hope]

Here I go again,and honestly I don't want to be confrontational but I have to disagree with the majority of the responses.Long before I realized I was transgendered, I was a feminist.

I believed then and still believe today gender should in no way limit or exclude a person from any job or task they may otherwise be physically capable. Men and women should share work equally without their jobs being driven by obsolete gender stereotypes.

I certainly understand not wanting to work on the old clunker or any number of other typical "guy" related jobs that at best just suck,but,if your the best girl for the job,just do it.

Personally for me ,the sexiest females are the ones who are the most capable and ready for any challenge.

Ok... so I am forced to wonder, you say that, as a feminist, you believe that people should be allowed to do the things that they want to do, regardless of gender... Shouldn't people also be allowed to refuse to do the things they don't want to do, regardless of gender?

[Andy66]

I can totally understand not wanting to be the family's go-to girl and feeling they are taking advantage of you. Do what you feel is right for you.

But now I will tell you what I tell GGs when I hear "that's MAN'S work." Our mothers, grandmothers and great grandmothers fought hard to get us the RIGHT to do the same things men do, so don't spit on everything they worked for. (Again, I do understand not wanting to be your family's go-to girl. That's different.)

By the way, I work in a store and know how to work more equipment than most of the men. I lift 40 to 60 lb. boxes of meat on a regular basis. If something is too heavy for me I will ask another person to grab an end and help me, but not do it for me.

[Schatten Lupus]

I hear ya. My family for some reason thinks I'm a computer guru, and can fix any problem. The truth is, I rarely had any idea what I was doing, I keep reminding them I don't know for sure what I am doing, and figured out what I was doing on the go. And when I screw up (and I have royally ****ed up before), they all get pissed even though I told them I didn't know what I was doing and they insisted I fix it anyways.

[Hope]

But now I will tell you what I tell GGs when I hear "that's MAN'S work." Our mothers, grandmothers and great grandmothers fought hard to get us the RIGHT to do the same things men do, so don't spit on everything they worked for. (Again, I do understand not wanting to be your family's go-to girl. That's different.)

But that is the neat thing about freedom - just because someone else was willing to fight for something - it does not follow that I am compelled to fight for, or even want that same thing. And that doesn't make me bad, or unappreciative any more than it makes those who came before me bad or unappreciative of what they had / wanted.

[Violetgray]

I have to agree with Brooke and Anne. I understand that for you it brings up painful reminders of a past life hidden, but for lack of a better way to put it, all real women have a little bit of "guy" in them.

I have a GG friend who has quite an in-depth knowledge of cars, and she's asked to fix things ALL THE TIME.

To me this kinda flies in the face of the whole "I'm the same person I've always been, it's only the OUTSIDE that's changing" argument.

[Super Amanda]

Thanks again for the replies girls! ;)





To me this kinda flies in the face of the whole "I'm the same person I've always been, it's only the OUTSIDE that's changing" argument.


Right?!? That old argument I've heard here many times, and it's kind of misleading when you think about it, because once "out" , IMO, people will begin to do things nobody knew they were into, seemingly changing more than just appearance.For example : Husband comes out to wife as TG,CD,TS,Muppet, whatever, and tells her "I'm still the same person!!!" Yet since hubby is no longer harboring secrets, he begins to openly do things he once thought impossible, such as dressing in front of the wife, pushing the envelope more and more until one day the wife wonders where the hell is the man she married. I know this story is familiar to us all.

I'm glad I don't think I've told my family anything along those lines, but maybe they think that's the way it is. For me, my appearance is going to be only part of the change. The person "I always was" was just a shell, a miserable being that never found a groove to fall into.

I do, however remember telling everyone that I did not want to do many of the things that I used to do.

Like I said, It's not so much the task, but it's the fact they expect me to be up to it, when there are FAR better people for the task!!

[Brooke Smith]

Ok... so I am forced to wonder, you say that, as a feminist, you believe that people should be allowed to do the things that they want to do, regardless of gender... Shouldn't people also be allowed to refuse to do the things they don't want to do, regardless of gender?

I suppose if forced to answer I would have to say yes,but isn't that really a rhetorical question?

[Annaliese]

Am I crazy, or what? No you are not crazy family just dont listen. I hirt my back may years ago and my family still want me to fix there car.

I just say I cant every time.

Hugs

[MizLutz]

I've worked in the mechanical field all my life and now that my back is shot, I have a good excuse not to help anyone move furniture etc anymore.....except for my wife can't seem to firgure it out that every time I move something for her, she has to work on my back for the next week or so! Seems to be a never ending battle. About the only other way I know to get away from that sort of thing is to, well, get away from them far enough that's it's not convenient. Moving 50 miles did it for me years back.

[SuzanneBender]

Doing something you never wanted to do in order to fit in is pure suck in guy mode. I can't imagine having to do those things after transistion.


Right?!? That old argument I've heard here many times, and it's kind of misleading when you think about it, because once "out" , IMO, people will begin to do things nobody knew they were into, seemingly changing more than just appearance.For example : Husband comes out to wife as TG,CD,TS,Muppet, whatever, and tells her "I'm still the same person!!!" Yet since hubby is no longer harboring secrets, he begins to openly do things he once thought impossible, such as dressing in front of the wife, pushing the envelope more and more until one day the wife wonders where the hell is the man she married. I know this story is familiar to us all.

OMG I feel like I am sitting on top of a mountain, talking with a guru, drinking bad tea and freezing my tush off because you just made a lightbulb turn on. I have been telling my loved ones that I am the same person no matter what. That isn't right. I am not. You are the sum of your actions and I have always based my actions off the need to please society and others. If I stop taking those actions I will not longer be the same person. Wow I need a nap!

[Andy66]

Wow I need a nap!
Aw, Suzanne, you're adorable. :hugs:

[Super Amanda]

Doing something you never wanted to do in order to fit in is pure suck in guy mode. I can't imagine having to do those things after transistion.



OMG I feel like I am sitting on top of a mountain, talking with a guru, drinking bad tea and freezing my tush off because you just made a lightbulb turn on. I have been telling my loved ones that I am the same person no matter what. That isn't right. I am not. You are the sum of your actions and I have always based my actions off the need to please society and others. If I stop taking those actions I will not longer be the same person. Wow I need a nap!



I am sorry for enlightening you, my child....sometimes ignorance IS bliss!! Lol!! :)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Doing something you never wanted to do in order to fit in is pure suck in guy mode. I can't imagine having to do those things after transistion.



OMG I feel like I am sitting on top of a mountain, talking with a guru, drinking bad tea and freezing my tush off because you just made a lightbulb turn on. I have been telling my loved ones that I am the same person no matter what. That isn't right. I am not. You are the sum of your actions and I have always based my actions off the need to please society and others. If I stop taking those actions I will not longer be the same person. Wow I need a nap!

I got called on this very point by a friend of mine that I told over and over last year how I'm the same person....he pointed out his list of changes and i couldn't disagree...heh

BTW...Amanda...maybe you can consider time as the solution to your dilemna...I wouldnt be surprised if your attitudes regarding your past life change over time.,..

and you have the right to act on how you feel at all those times as you continue to change ...it may confuse some folks, but I'm pretty sure we all confuse everybody anyway

I try to remember that as long as people are trying to support me then I need to support them back and so far that has worked out very well for me..your actions over time will disavow the notion that you want to spend your free time working on all the stuff...and if people still don't get it, well...then they probably never will and its time to let'em have it...

as an aside, i find myself kind of wanting to go back to old faithful activities...i LOVE LOVE video games or I should say LOVED, they were a place to hide....i have all these games that i used to play, and i sit there and i stare at them and I think I want to play them, i really want to want to play them...but they are sooo boring ....it's like seeing this wonderful warm cozy blanket and i get in and it disappears...so I'm doing to myself a bit of what they are doing to you!!! How strange...makes me think of one of my fave songs..

"You do it to yourself, and that's why it really hurts
You do it to yourself, you and no one else"
Just - Radiohead

[Super Amanda]

BTW...Amanda...maybe you can consider time as the solution to your dilemna...I wouldnt be surprised if your attitudes regarding your past life change over time.,..


Yes, I agree. I forgot to mention that it has been less than a year since I came out. I keep having to remind myself that they are still going to be adjusting. :)




as an aside, i find myself kind of wanting to go back to old faithful activities...i LOVE LOVE video games or I should say LOVED, they were a place to hide....i have all these games that i used to play, and i sit there and i stare at them and I think I want to play them, i really want to want to play them...but they are sooo boring ....


Again, me too! Video games were always my escape from reality (and a green plant...), and now I wish all of the money spent on consoles, controllers, accessories and games could have been better used...although, it is fun going back to a few games where you can choose a female, and try it the way I always wanted. I was so in the closet in the past that I wouldn't even choose a female character in a game! I just re-started Mass Effect, this time as a female...but I'm still having a hard time getting into it... :(

[lavistaa62]

I can totally get not wanting to have to do things you don't want to do- we all get stuck with that and I by and large in the areas of cars, computers, taxes, borrowing money, woodworking, sewing- a long list actually just had to say NO! It's perfectly reasonable to set boundaries and expect others to respect them.

One of the beneies I think TG/TS bring to the social table is a way deeper understanding of gender roles and differences than any other member of society. Most women I encounter don't have "you do it girl" role models- someone who lets them know it's all right to understand mechanical things or work on their own equipment. Sure, some women are forced into this situation in the retail environment but there's a huge set of social forces working against women having control over the machines and technology in their lives. Maybe there's another woman in your family circle who's expressed interest and would be interested in you passing on your talent and knowledge?

Let me join in the chorus and say there's nothing, nothing hotter than a woman who understands equipment and the technological world around them. Fe from Burn Notice is another entertainment world character type that comes to mind. My daughter is great at helping with mechanical things and I'm really glad; she's gotten lots of dates and attention out of it:)

[Nicole Erin]

Well, our families and life long friends knew us as males for the longest time so yeah it is probably hard for them to shake that. I mean even the most passable, assimilated TS probably goes thru that.

Now about working on cars, I can do that too, no expert but know my fair share, enough to know that it sucks haveing to do it.

Working on cars is depressing regardless of gender status. "Well when I first start it, it makes a funny noise and if I go 22 MPH while the turn signal is on and the radio tuned to 93.7 while going northeast, antifreeze leaks from the antenna..." Yeah buddy I will jump RIGHT no it ti figure THAT shit out...

Being treated like some guy sucks though, I know that too