** Married Hetero CD's ** What are your wives like, and do they know, etc..

[Keyplayer74]

Hello all -

I think my life circumstances have caused this question to come up --

A bit about me.. I've been married the better part of 4 years now. My wife knows nothing about my "private habits" and I so far plan to keep it that way. Actually, nobody knows come to think of it. Recently my wife went away on a trip for a couple of weeks. I had been thinking about what I was going to do for months prior to her leaving.. it was very nerve racking! I bought a pair of shoes, a wig, and some heavy guage hooters type tights. Being the paranoid individual I am, I got a PO box first, and paid with a money order - to hide the trail in case something were to happen (the stuff shows up REALLY late, and she finds it for instance).

Anyhow.. I had a lot of fun for a few days - took several pictures (my avatar for one) - and then promptly purged everything. I actually went through a short stage of immense guilt (maybe an hour) - after I had finished all the picture taking. When she got back I started noticing that I was getting frustrated quite often by her being around me so much - with no privacy. Nevermind dressing, I can't even really contribute to this message board much for fear of being caught.

About my wife: she is extremely loving and, nurturing. She is also very much the tomboy - which I DO NOT LIKE. I of course like most of you probaby - really love the female form, and want her to dress much sexier - probably will never happen. Which of course for me is baffling, cause if I were her I'd go on such a shopping spree. :D

Anyhow - I'm going to limit this to a very short story.. I'm interested in your circumstances!

[kellypm]

hi


i am the wife of a cd

can i be so bold as to ask why you feel you cannot tell your wife?

she might surprise you, i know when i first found out it was a shock but i still loved my husband so i have learned over the years to accept it

if you don't tell your wife you might start to resent her becasue you find it hard to express that part of your life


hope things impove for you

[lisa_sf]

Unless you are SURE she would freek out, you should tell her. Is it good to be frustrated because your wife IS around? See all the other posts about how to tell her "correctly".

[Teddie]

Like Lisa said, unless she will completely freak out tell her. My wife, is completely cool with my fem side, and enjoys her very much. And, it's possible that your wife will be the same way. But, if you don't tell her, and she finds out some other way, it could be hell. Truth up front is always best. But, treat her like a lady, even if she's a Tom Boy. You know her best, and should know how to best tell her. There are a number of good threads on here on how to tell her. Read them.

[Sweet Susan]

Before you decided to tell your wife, read My Husband, Betty. It's a bit long, however it does have some good tips in it. Try not to be put off by the overbearingness of the author, she is trying. I agree that you should tell your wife if at all possible. How old are either of you?

[Jesse69]

Why don't you just tell her that if you can tolerate her being a tomboy then she should tolerate you being a cdr'.

If I had a beautiful wife and she was sometimes a tomboy then I'd pretend to be a girl for her !

[Keyplayer74]

hi


i am the wife of a cd

can i be so bold as to ask why you feel you cannot tell your wife?

she might surprise you, i know when i first found out it was a shock but i still loved my husband so i have learned over the years to accept it

if you don't tell your wife you might start to resent her becasue you find it hard to express that part of your life


hope things impove for you

Kelly -

Yes, thanks for being so bold, this is what I need. I love my wife very much, and my reasons for not telling her are mainly centering around embarassment. Most of what I am doing here is trying to sort out a problem (I see it as a problem) I have had since I was probably 3 or 4 - I'm not really sure. Also - I myself view this activity as something I shouldn't be doing. I REALLY wish I didn't have this compulsion altogether. I don't know where it came from, and I wish it would go away - although it is enjoyable when I'm able to do it. Really, since I view this as something I am ashamed of, that's mainly why I "can't" tell her. At least not now. My wife is also very religious. This will most likely NOT going to fly. I'm already getting a bunch of heat for not going to church often enough. I'm REALLY glad you're reading this - since you have experience here -- but I really feel like I should just keep trying to repress this. What do you think?

[StephanieCD]

I know the fear before you tell... but it's the respectful thing to do and the release is worth it - for both of you. Even if she doesn't like the idea it's a great test of a relationship's roots.

[Keyplayer74]

Before you decided to tell your wife, read My Husband, Betty. It's a bit long, however it does have some good tips in it. Try not to be put off by the overbearingness of the author, she is trying. I agree that you should tell your wife if at all possible. How old are either of you?

Thanks for your support and advice. She is 27 and I am 31. Another reason I guess I'm trying to get this behind me is that in about a year or so, we will probably try to have children. The thought of which is very challenging for me. On the one hand, I think I'd like to have them... on the other there are questions: if I have a son, what will he be like? You know.. the fearful thoughts of passing on stuff like this to a son. I'd be totally fine with a daughter I think.. which is interesting looking back on my childhood, I was almost neglected emotionally because my younger sister got most of the attention from my Dad. He acted harshly towards me, but just the opposite for my sister. Hmm... Freud, where are you???

Something else interesting for all you people who like to analyze situations... my wife has expressed fear in raising a girl.. she is afraid that our daughter will be a lesbian. Ha! The funny thing is.. we're both into each other sexually, I love chicks, she loves men.. it's all very puzzling.

[racquel]

I lost a fiancée who was the daughter of a minister because of my tv'ing and I am now in my 22'nd year with a "tomboy"type.(I told her at the begining of the relationship)
I don't think the way your dad raised you contributed to your c.d'ing.It's a fold in the fabric of who you are.I believe that love conquers all and I believe honesty is of utmost importance in a long term relationship.
My 2 cents worth,good luck. ;)

[Tammietoo]

I had stopped dressing several years before I got married, and started again after 6 years of being married. I was ashamed and guilt ridden and wanted to tell her sooo many times. I successfully hid all my stuff, and I was aquiring quite a bit of it, btw. I was fully dressed wig, makeup, corset, garter, hose, and heels when she came home from work at lunch time one day just to spend some extra time with me......well, the cat was out of the bag in a big way. (No matter how good you are...you will do something, sometime to slip up) She was very cool at first and I felt a huge weight off my shoulders. But as a little time passed she got more and more upset. "If I had hide this from her what else was I hiding?" was one of her bigger problems. We've had many heartfelt talks, cried alot, and are actually closer now, but it was scary at times. I love her soooo much and was scared to death to lose her over this. She has come to accept it, but not really like it. Suffice it to say I would have much rather been able to tell her and talk about it on my own terms and in a way that would have been better for both of us than the shock of what happened. I can't tell you to tell her, but I know it ate me up inside lying to her, and hiding from her for those years. Every wife is different, it could be a great thing to tell her, but it could go bad too. I really hope it all works out for you, big hug.

[jenniferluv]

The old standby....communication. on any level is a beginning..progress step by step slowly and in pieces. she must absorb it a tiny bit at a time. perhaps begin by turning the television to one of the many programs that have been on satellite lately concerning transsexuals and their travel thru their own "problem". NOT what you want to be I would suppose but it can provide you with just the catalyst you need to begin your own journey. communication and time.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

So many different stories..I'm married 13 yrs...finally told my wife ...i have been taking anti anxiety medicine and it destroyed my sex drive...

this started many discussions and finally i simply and calmly told her..

that was 4 months ago...we are having a very tough time. we also have 2 kids under 12 yrs old...
my wife is totally grossed out (her words) and wont come near me sexually.. she says she feels sorry for me and doesnt know if she loves me..

on other hand, we are planning family vacation for next yr and talking about a pool in our yard, etc ... so i'm not sure what is going to happen...

i feel very liberated and joined this forum since i told her..she is feeling betrayed, confused and angry...its really not fair to her and we've discussed this as well..
we have been a great couple (not counting the tg issue that is now on the table)

i am totally interested in others stories and discussions...it helps alot and maybe i'll find something that will help my situation or i can help yours..

peace
michele

[jenniferluv]

Oh, and yes I have been married for 32 years now. My wife knows-five years now. she reacted much as most of you have said your so's have reacted. it took two years before she began to listen to what i was saying....and for me to listen to what she was saying. i reaturn to communication and time. my wife is still not completely comfortable with it all and is adamant that i do not shave any part of my body except my face. time and communication. as men we have no patience...let your fem side really shine through and have patience.

[Sierra]

Once you face it you can reap rewards.My wife found panties[mine] and was worried they were an old girlfriends.Later in due time she buys me so many womens clothes ...That she would never had done if didnt fess up and come clean.As long as you take care of here needs in sex she will probally love you for who you are. ;)

[Billijo49504]

Our marriage is almost a adult. It will be 21 yrs this Nov. I told her from the start. Honesty is always the best way to go, you don't have to remember what lie you told to who.
We went shopping today at a sale at Lane Bryant. She helped me pick out an outfit for me. And before she left for work, I had to model it for her. OK, I wanted to model it. I even got a couple new white sheerware bras. I've got lots of colors, but only one white, till today.
If you love her, you won't keep secrets from her. and if she loves you, she will except your cd'ing to some extent. Good luck.

[JamieDP]

I have to agree from the start honesty is the best way to go. I have now been in a relationship with a woman for two years who shares the interest with me and it has been the most liberating experience I have ever had.

Since you are already in the marriage for a while (and others may not agree with my technique here), you may want to consider easing her into it and not springing it all on at once. Now I don't know your wife and don't know her personality, but I had success by going slow.

Now I will say I started this from the near beginning of our relationship but I started with weekly and avery few days, complimenting her on her wardrobe, and how sexy she looked in her panties and hose getting dressed. I began to ask questions what it felt like for her, and how it made her feel like a woman. After a few conversations, I just asked her if she minded if I tried on a pair of her panties. I quickly was arroused and she was excited at my arousal in itself and lead to a wonderful night of passionate sex and bonding (Now I am not saying it all has to be sexual - but that is the way it turned out for me).

After a few weeks and a few days every week talking to her and continually showering her with complements about her dress, I asked to try something different with the same results. Not always sex, but her own curiousity and more discussions. She has told me that by doing this with her in small forms, and the state of arousal with her helped her to feel comfortable that I was indeed heterosexual, and not gay or bisexual. Of course I had to back that with constant reassurance, and even more happiness at seeing her which was not hard because as I opened up, I naturally became more comfortable and happier anyway.

I shared with this groups that only about a week ago I finally got fully dressed in femme with make up and all for the first time with her, but months and for the year and a half before we had experiemnted with shoes, hose and panties, skirts, etc...the clothing. I would share with her that it was a topic I was interested in like a hobby in a sense, and shared articles and other information such that you find here in the links, etc to help her understand what it could be about. She said this helped alot to as I gradually brought it forth and were able to set limits with her about the do's and don'ts, the whens and where's and how to approach her about it. (Communication is sooo key).

In short, you may want to take your time about introducing it to her in ways that are less threatening. I think many can agree the worse thing in a relationship is when one feels threatened or the relationship feels threatened, and often I think shock brings forth the threatening aspect.

This is just my experience, and maybe it may help others, maybe not. Only you know your wife well enough to know how to approach her. How would you approach her about a huge purchase, or anything else significant such as a relocation or having children. Get it in the open gradually, get the idea and explore the idea's and concepts together and gradually work it in.

I've talked to two other cd friends and they share similar experiences. Again not to say this IS the way, but it is an option.

[kathy gg]

Okay, you have actually given alot of great info about your situation, so you cn get some really varied advice.

First off, I am the wife of a cd, looked to date and marry one, so this was not a shock for me. But I have ALOT of feelings for women who find out after the fact.

First off. My advice will probably surprise most on here but I would not tell her....at least not at this time. You sound like you are in no place (yourself) to be sharing this with another person. You need to find out 'why' you are ashamed of this. You need to figure out HOW to get past that. You need to do that for yourself. Once you accept who you are, if you choose to do so, you then can consider the idea of sharing this. Right now what you would be sharing is your 'deep dark dirty' secret. And frankly how can you expect anyone to accept you when you are not even there yourself?

Once you do your mental homework which might take weeks, months, or even years then consider WHY you want to tell your wife. Are you telling her because you think you have some valuable part of yourself to share or are you doing it for reasons like now, so you can do as you please? IF it is just to have 'your' way then that is a pretty crappy reason. Tell her becuase it is going to benefit her. *I can people thinking "how can she benefit" becuase once you acept who you are (if that ever happens) then you can show how having this side to your personality has shaped the man you are and the man she feel in love with. Those are nice ways to view this rathe than 'well I have this horrible secret that I do when you are not home". Right now it sounds like any possible disclosures would come out with you feeling worse abotu yourself than you do presently.

I can also say that based on her homophobia you have to ask yourself, "is this woman going to riase a child with values I believe in?" LIke what is wrong with a daughter being a lesbian? Pesonally I would nto have married any man who would not love a child of ours unconditioanly. That for me is a deal breaker. I don't believe that homosexuality is a 'choice' and really, even if it was, I don't view it as a bad thing.

So you have alot of soul searching to do about yourself, what kind of parent you want to be and what sort of future do you envision 20 yrs from now. one that has grown hard from years of repression and hiding and secrecy, and resentfulness towards a woman who does not even know why she is being resented.

This post is tough love, but I woudl think very long and very hard about what ou want. There are enough people on here tha can testify to having to live with all these negatives in their life.

You know what, also you are young and you probably have a bit of a feeling that this might slow down or become less important once you have kids. And that is alway possible. But what it also possible is you begin to crave being away and removed from your family becuase you have no privacy and that only compounds over the year till one day you can't take it anymore. I don't think it is any huge coiencednce that most men start to really get into cding as they enter midife, becuas ethey realize that they have been doing thigns for years and yers for everyone but themselves. That well eventually pours over and it will effect every aspect of your health. I have seen people on the verge of nervous breakdowns because they get tired of years of pretending.

I hope I dont' see you on here twenty years from now repeating a story that happens over and over and over.

good luck with the soul searching

kathy

ps...what type of wife...um I am a pretty fringe lefty liberal with short black and bleached blonde hair that likes to dress somewhere between Courtny Love and a surburban housewife....

[Keyplayer74]

Kathy -
Wow, thanks for that great response. I think you are right - I DON'T know a lot of things. I have grown up with a lot of guilt because of this.. I just wish I knew how to overcome that. I have had many anxiety attacks throughout life stemming from this. And guess what... I couldn't ask for help. The thought of asking for help has always made me feel worse. Also, the thing about homophobia.. I AM HOMOPHOBIC! I know this is strange.. well, since I'm not gay - maybe it's not so strange... but I think the reason homosexuals scare me is because I've always been afraid I might end up being gay. I know.. it's strange - I know I will never become that - I'm secure in my heterosexuality. It took many years for me to get to that point though. About the resentment issue - No, I definately don't want to end up resenting her. She deserves much better.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Kathy beat me to some of the things I was going to say. I appreciate that you're in a difficult spot but I agree that you need to think about whether her values and yours are compatible long-term. (Not only her homophobia, but your dislike of her tomboyism.) But do make a decision about your marriage and whether to come out before you have children, since the complications will be far worse.

For many years I was a workaholic so I never had a relationship that became serious enough that I came out to anyone, so take the following advice with appropriate grain of salt. But I have seen more than a few discussions involving people who came out and here's some of the things I've heard.

First off, your SO will likely feel like you've broken her trust. The fact that you may have been in denial won't matter. The fact is you've kept a secret from her and many GGs have real problems with that. ('Course it depends on how big a deal she thinks cross-dressing is. SOs who weren't particularly bothered by cross-dressing per se, seem to have fewer problems with you having concealed it.) So expect to do some relationship repair. Better yet, address any other issues in your relationship before coming out.

Second, if you act like you've got a terrible secret, she'll probably see it that way too. As Kathy said, you first need to accept it yourself. If you can present things positively, things apparently often go better. In other words, something like talking about how you've always had a softer side to you (one that hopefully was something that made you appealling to her) and that you want to share this hidden side of yourself to her because she's so special to you.

Third, think about the discussion as if you really were a GG -- put the emphasis on the relationship and understanding her feelings. (GGs help me out here...) Saying that since she's a tomboy, she better accept your CDing is probably the worse thing you can do, since you're in effect imposing a change in your relationship on her without considering her. Be prepared to accept some limits, especially in the short-term. Obviously, a moritorium on dressing is unhealthy for you, but you may need give her some time to come to terms with your dressing, so while you shouldn't go beyond your limits (i.e. don't purge), it's not a good idea to push the limits immediately. Remember relationships often involve compromises -- but then again those compromises do have to work for both people.

Have the discussion at a time when you'll both have plenty of time to talk (doing so at a restaurant -- really bad idea....). Also, let her digest things at her own pace. It's often helpful to have resources available for her to read and a photo of you en femme (do be sure it's classy not trashy), but only give them to her if she's interested in seeing them.

Remember, by coming out of the closet we unfortunately often put our SOs into one. It's often helpful if you can put her in touch with some of the SOs here or other forums, so that she's got someone she can talk to, since it may not be something she wants talk about with her regular girlfriends.

Anyway, if you look around you'll find a variety of sites that talk about coming out, which may offer some useful advice. As Kathy said, you need to do some soul searching and get centered first.

[Katie Ashe]

I agree with so many points here. I told Dawn ML after being together for 15 years. I couldn't take the stress anymore. I finally cracked like an egg. To my surprise, she was/is supportive 100%. But that night I wanted to die of embarrassment, I though she would leave me for being a freak... but with my mental health in the toilet, I had nothin else to lose. I was going to start a new life either way. Listen to the others, whom had responded... Kathy has a real valid point, as many others. If you feel this strongly about it, do it. I regret waiting this long to come out... my last 20 years have really been hard on me... learn from our past and make a better future. :hugs:

[Stephenie]

I agree with Kathy and Darla, Don't tell until you are able to answer all the questions about yourself that will come up. If you are unable to answer your own questions how are you going to answer hers?

I told my wife after 23+ yrs and we are working things through. She and I are religious and though I have been able to come to terms with this myself, she was not yet been able to. You might like to read some at a web site called Grace and Lace.

[kathy gg]

Hi,

As for the 'gay' part. I think there are many people who were raised to feel it was wrong or sinful or any of the other garbage that churches, the uneducated, and such still cling to as not good for the world. I think you will find most people on this board don't buy into that. I always find it funny that people 'fear' 'turning' gay. Which is funny, because most of us have a core idenity that may 'question' ourself, but usually we are who we are. If you are not 'gay' now you can't make yourself something you are not...get my drift. So fearing something which is almsot impossible is kind of silly really. I hope you don't fear that anymore.

When you said 'how can I overcome the guilt'. Well it very may well mean getting professional help, even though you find that upsetting. But then again, there are plenty of people (like my own husband) who have worked through all their guilt and fears and made peace with this. So ultiatmly you get to decide if you want to continue tackeling this on your own (and again, how well you are right now with it might be an indication that it is time to raise the white flag) or stop the nonsense of go talk to someone who can help you work through your feelings.

Other ways of getting in the right head space is what you are doing right now. Just by admitting that you have struggled with this, have found it upsetting and it has caused you those anxiety attacks. You are in stage one ...making contact with people who will suppport you and hopefully in time make you feel better about yourself. All the other stages that may or may not happen all depend on how well you will really 'feel' self aceptance. Maybe making contact via email with someone who is in a similiar situation with you and starting an in depth line of communication will help you grow.
Making this a normal part of who you are, where you fit in and what you
plan to do with your newly accepted self are all next to come.

Suffering in a private hell does not have to happen, unless you choose it now. There are people on here who have stood in your shoes and right now everything good lays before you...if you decide to continue down this way.

You overcome negativity by fighting it with positivity. I know that sounds hokey, but no one ever got to a better mental state of mind by thinking bad thoughts. You have to believe that there is nothing wrong with yourself. you have to believe that you are a better person for having these needs. You jsut have to believe that 'so what if you have a son and he is a cd, what is wrong with that? Or is gay? ' there is nothing wrong with those things. You have to believe that by being, associating, or having a child who is any or all of those things is totally okay and fine and not a big deal.

When you start not seeing anything wrong with being a crossdresser in others you will start to be okay with this for yourself. That is why getting to know people in a real way (not jsut what sort of clothing do you like?) will make this all jsut another thing you do. Just another part of who you are as a human being.

Keeping it as a dirty secret, keeping it in a dark light, keeping it all about buying and purging, keeping it all in those ways will never set you on the right road.

I hope you will see that us and you are not bad by being or association.

I know plenty of cd's who have raised their children to be homophobes, raised them to hate teh different. Why? because they hated who they were. Don't start on that path. Start with self acceptance and find in yourself where your real values lie.

Go rent the movie" American Beauty". I think it might open your eyes.


hugs your way

kathy in canada

le 'fearyplayer74]Kathy -
Wow, thanks for that great response. I think you are right - I DON'T know a lot of things. I have grown up with a lot of guilt because of this.. I just wish I knew how to overcome that. I have had many anxiety attacks throughout life stemming from this. And guess what... I couldn't ask for help. The thought of asking for help has always made me feel worse. Also, the thing about homophobia.. I AM HOMOPHOBIC! I know this is strange.. well, since I'm not gay - maybe it's not so strange... but I think the reason homosexuals scare me is because I've always been afraid I might end up being gay. I know.. it's strange - I know I will never become that - I'm secure in my heterosexuality. It took many years for me to get to that point though. About the resentment issue - No, I definately don't want to end up resenting her. She deserves much better.[/QUOTE]

[Dixie Darling]

Keyplayer,

The feelings you're experiencing right now aren't unique to you or your situation at all. Most of us have been in much the same circumstances and can readily identify with the same things you've mentioned in your original post as well as your follow ups.

The first thing you need to realize and accept is the fact that you ARE a crossdresser. You, as the rest of us here, were BORN with a different 'wiring' that made you a CD so you have no reason to feel guilty about something over which you had no control or choice. You also shouldn't have any fears about the possibility of passing such along to a son you might have in the future. The chances are very remote that something like that might happen, but even if it DID, is it REALLY all that terrible?

You also said:

"Something else interesting for all you people who like to analyze situations... my wife has expressed fear in raising a girl.. she is afraid that our daughter will be a lesbian."

Is is possible that this fear could be due to the fact that your wife has latent lesbian tendencies herself? Note that I mean no disrespect in asking this, but it would seem that such an internally generated fear COULD be her justification for saying this.

Now, in regards to telling your wife. . . . . As others here have done, I would recommend it. There is a pretty good possibility that you might be pleasantly surprised at how she might take the news. At any rate, NOT telling her is hiding a part of your personality from her that needs expression. And it's a part of you (whether you OR she recognizes it or not) that probably attracted the two of you to each other to begin with. WELL BEFORE you tell her, you need to make advanced preparations. Have reputable documentation readily available and be ready to answer all the questions that she will be asking. The first one is almost ALWAYS, "Are you gay?". This is usually followed by "Do you want to BE a woman?" and "Are you wanting to have surgery to BECOME a woman?"

This reply to you is long enough as it is, but if you'd like to read more information about telling her, check out what's available on my web site. There's info there for you as well as for HER and it's not anything that would be embarrassing to either of you so you can send her to the site also if you think it would help.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Heather Daniels]

Dixie, your website is wonderful. I've just spent the last 1 hour looking through it. I'm sure I will visit it again, and often. Thank you so much for posting the link.

[Dixie Darling]

Heather,

I sincerely appreciate the compliments although I don't feel I deserve 'em. My goal is to provide information and support to those who are looking for it so if someone finds what I have on my site to be useful, then it's serving the purpose for which it was intended.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Phoebe Reece]

My wife knew I liked to wear pantyhose even before we were married. After we were married, the first time I dressed completely enfemme including makeup, wig, etc. was with her assistance. We've been married now for 36 years. We have two adult children (daughter and son) who grew up with full knowledge of their daddy's crossdressing. In most cases, I believe honesty in the home is the best policy. When there has been some period of secrecy or dishonesty, it becomes much more difficult to deal with, as trust issues arise.

I have to agree with Kathy and others that the first priority is to get over the guilt and come to some acceptance of yourself before putting it out for your wife to deal with. Feeling guilty about crossdressing makes as much sense as feeling guilty over being left-handed. It may not be something you chose, but it simply is.... and it's not going to go away. If you go to your wife with a sense of shame over this, she will likely help find ways for you to reinforce that shame and try to lead you on an ultimately unsuccessful path towards getting rid of the shameful behaviour. If you approach it with her in a more positive manner, the reaction may be very different. Remember also that just because someone is religious, that does not mean they will equate crossdressing with sin. There are quite a few Christian ministers who are crossdressers themselves. My wife and I are very active in our church, but neither of us consider crossdressing to be sinful.

I remember way back in the early 1970's the first time I went out of the house dressed enfemme during the daytime. My wife and I were going to meet with some other crossdressers that I had been in contact with. I was petrified about the neighbors or anyone else seeing me go from the house to our car in the driveway. I took quite a bit of time getting up my nerve before I darted to the car. When I finally got in the car, my wife rather sternly told me: "If you're going to do this, be a man about it." She was right. If you're going to crossdress, do it with pride. If something unexpected happens and someone sees you dressed - deal with it. I adjusted my attitude right then and have been much happier ever since.

[Katie Ashe]

"If you're going to do this, be a man about it." She was right. If you're going to crossdress, do it with pride. If something unexpected happens and someone sees you dressed - deal with it. I adjusted my attitude right then and have been much happier ever since.
Where were you 20 years ago, I needed to hear that. Great advice.

[Phoebe Reece]

Katie,

Thanks. I was around then, but the Internet didn't exist and it was a lot harder to get in touch with other crossdressers in those days.

[Ladybird]

I told my wife when I met her 16 years ago now :eek: , she accepted my cding as a personnal strenght, and it bonded us together becuase of the trust that I`d shown her over a very private and most nessesary slice of my being. It has been worth it, for both of us. No hidden areas=fruitful relationship.
Now I know that doesn`t really help you, and everyone is different, but the release I felt after getting it `out` to the one I love the most, made my head and heart shine, and still does.
About children, I`ve a 10 yesar old son and he has his own little querks that you could consider to be leaning towards cding, this is his own cross to bear and he is a popular member of his community with lots of friends (he`s gunna have to way this up by himself as he matures, IF he wants to). He`s got me and his mum to talk with whenever he`s ready. :) I wouldn`t be diappointed if he turns out to have disires to dress, or other desires; as long as we are truthful to each other and it shows that we love and care about each other, no matter what our make up is, he`s my son and I`ll always will be proud of him. You`re in the best place to get some great advice on your issues, and the key in a relationship seems to be communication, although you have arrived where you are today by a quest for a solution, which to my mind is a good thing!
Hope you find a way to be happy, as your not the only one who does it (LOL), and you now have plenty of support and the reems of threads here :love:

[urban gypsy]

I have been married 18 happy years but had dressed in secret since i was about 8 yrs old, then two years ago i could not take the frustration any longer so i decided to write my feelings down and fully explain the situation this took about 2 weeks to complete. when finished it i gave it to my wife and asked her to open and read it in her own time and we would talk about it when she was quite ready. i waited nervously for 3 weeks, then one day she came home from shopping with a pair of ladies trousers for me, and it would take time but she sort of understood.
Now she lets me wear most of my outfits around the house but not skirts, dresses or make up in case my teenager sees me, as she feels he woud not quite understand, but if i go out with cd friends she will help me to look my best with out looking out of place in public.
hope this helps joanna

[LaceLuvr]

hey i'm just jumping in with my 2 cents here for what it's worth

i haven't read every reply to this thread as of yet but quite a few and I can't say any of it is bad advice from what I've seen, I don't personally agree with everyone but that's from a personal perspective and my situation isn't yours.

One I would like to comment on is the reply (don't remember who) that suggested not telling her right now due to the fact that you don't sound ready yourself. First off I am completely against secrets in a relationship... marriage or otherwise, but in this instance I think I would agree to a point at least, to me it sounds like you are not quite ready yourself but I think that sharing this eventually is a must because to me how can a relationship truly be a great one if you don't know everything about each other... to me to truly have a great one they should know everything about you. In this respect I am truly blessed as I was able to tell the woman in my life up-front about it and she was very understanding even if not completely comfortable with it, but the uncomfortableness didn't last long :)

Basically my point I guess is that you should truly ask yourself can you truly live in a relationship that you cannot share yourself with your other half. And one day if you do share this and she cannot handle it then maybe it's not meant to be ( I hate saying that ) I hope with all my heart that you can eventually share this and she is truly understanding of it, but if not I speak from some experience that this is maybe more a part of you than you realize and that hiding it or not being able to "be" yourself in the long run is going to have negative affects on you both, you will be unhappy and in turn it will show in the relationship. I say this knowing that I can never hide who I am from the person I'm with, not being myself cause sever damage to my mental happiness.

i'm done rambling for now but I hope you can sift the point of this all out of the rambling

Huggs and support from me :)

[DonnaT]

Kathy has dealt with the CD community a long time and gives some excellent advice.

Would you be embarrassed if everyone in your family was right handed and you were left handed. I would hope not, as that is how you were born.

Once you come to realize that this is a part of who you are, something you were born with, and something that won't go away, you might start to overcome your embarrassment and shame.

And if you need to put a religious spin on it, it is how God made you.

Educate yourself, learn to not be ashamed, and then tell your wife.

I'll have been married 30 yrs come the 21st, and my wife has known for most of them. There have and will continue to be ups and downs in our marriage. Communication and honesty is very important, and with love, goes along way in achieving some level of acceptance. Note that even after all these years, my wife still has troubles with my CDing, but that is usually when I get to close to crossing some boundaries she may have set, and especially if I do cross one or more.

When you get ready to tell her, start from the beginning at age 3 or 4. There's no need to rush your telling. Take your time, explain how you felt and slowly work up to where you are, which will hopefully be "I've finally come to accept this part of me."

You've got a few of issues to work through to get to that point. Such as embarrassment, shame, homophobia, how you feel about her being a tomboy (she may think the same thing about you being a jane girl), etc. You might consider talking to a gender therapist if you cannot overcome these issues on your own.

It's really important to tell her if the stress of hiding it becomes an issue to your well being, no matter the outcome of telling.

And don't make promises you can't keep, just say you'll try.

[MadisonLee]

Hi,

I would just wish you luck on where or not you decide to tell your wife.

I have been married for almost 4 years coming this Novemeber. I told me wife right away. She is very religious also, has a religious up bringing. Now she helps me pick out makeup and stuff. She is understanding to me as why I have the need to express my female side. It took her a few months but she didnt get mad at me or freak out which is good. The part she had trouble was coming to terms on how it made her feel. Like we dont make love like this. Well sometimes but not often. She thinks it would make her a lesbian if I did this all the time. I gues if I had a sex change it would make her a lesbian if she stayed with me. But i am not going to have a sex change. We order are makeup together from Avon. I can also buy any cloths i want as long as the bills are paid and we have food in the house. :) We have a small 3 year old child. So I try not to dress up in front of him. He wouldnt care if I did anyway. He seen me dress up for halloween. It didnt bother him any. Just figure out what is going to best for the both of you in the long run.

Good Luck :)

[LaceLuvr's GG]

I haven't got to read all the replies to your thread, but I just wanted to share my story with ya real quick. I consider myself to be the "tomboyish" type, the first thing I want to do when I get home is get out of my bra.. where as my bf is wanting to put one on ;) BUT.. that being said, I support my bf in what he does.. I like to join in whenever possible.. and I'm totally open to trying new things. I really don't own any lingerie, but that's going to change cause I want to share in his experience's as much as possible.

You never know what will happen until you try. I've noticed that my bf is a much happier person knowing that he can be completely open with me on everything. It's very hard to hide a secret like that... and you shouldn't have to. If you can't be honest with yourself, you're never really going to be happy.

Hope that's some help
:)

Laceluvr's girl

[liz lesbow]

came out at age 62 and wish I had years ago. see my intro and also part 2 in the threads. all true storys. My wife accepts me but does not understand why I do it. I might not either but I also accept myself for who I am.