What happened in mid-life?

[Sarah Doepner]

This one may be for the more, uh, senior members of the forum.

I started dressing fairly young and was pretty active through high school. As I got into college I was still dressing when I had the chance, but it seems that the opportunites and desire diminished. I would often go a couple of years between times when I would dress. Work, family, more school, activities with friends were all part of the mix, but they were always there anyway. I still had time alone, but crossdressing just didn't enter my mind very often. Then in my early 40's it started coming back and now I'm dressing more than ever.

The question is in two parts I guess. First, does this pattern seem familiar to any of you? Second, what happened? Do you think it was just a lack of opportunity or were there other things going on in life that eliminated the desire/need to dress? Is there something that happens in the brain or with our hormones that change our desires on this? I'm just trying to put this in perspective and can't figure out what was going on during that period of my life.

[Wen4cd]

*nods*

"What happens at midlife" is probably the crux of someone's entire life.

I could write several hundred thousand words about what happened at midlife for me.

[Nikki A.]

I think in my case it was the lack of opportunity and trying to be the good daddy. Later on I felt it was my time to be myself.

[Loni]

work.

bills.

more work.

taking care of my mom.

more work.

more bills.

now it is time for my self.....not much left.:eek:

enjoying every sunrise anew.

.

[NV Susan]

Yes, all the above. :drink:

[Jenniferpl]

All of the above plus as I have matured I have become more relaxed in my own skin. Add to that I care less about what other think about me.

[trisha254]

As all the ladies have writen there seem to something speical that we have been given. ,And now is our times to enjoy those dreams, As long as we stay speical to ourselfs and not in any way make our loveones and others unhappy. The desire as now taken over so why not make the best of it and go shopping,

trish

[JustWendy]

My crossdressing has followed similar patterns. I think time and responsibilities certainly played into it. But we were also probably afraid to embrace this side of ourselves and put our efforts into having a "normal" life. As we get older, we realize how short life is and begin to appreciate each day a little more. I've always been able to appreciate and celebrate the differences in others and have finally gotten to a point in my life where I can embrace my own. And, like many others here, I see this side of me as a plus, not a negative. I just wish I could have gotten to this point in my life with a more youthful body.

Wendy

[Rogina B]

I believe that it comes on stronger for us at midlife for many reasons as mentioned. In addition,we often realize that life is getting shorter and we should be able to live it as we want in combination with a drop in our T level.Seeing the various failings of macho characters also makes us question the "typical male life" and whether it brings the happiness some think it does. I have had a life full of worldwide adventures and misadventures,I am tired of "boy stuff"...I have had my fill. Rather play pretty as a girl!:)

[LACD]

Definitely can relate to what everybody has written. I just wish I had told my wife sooner. I still don't have many opprotunities, but I make the most of them. I still like some of the "man" stuff like riding my Harley and such, but I'm really liking my femme side the past 10 or so years.

[DaisyG]

Good question, Sarah. I agree with the other girls who have replied. My CDing never really went dormant, though in earlier days several times I wished it would just go away.

In pre-school days I became aware of the pretty things girls wore and wanted something pretty too. Thru grade school, high school and college I dressed when opportunity presented itself, but there were many competing activities.

After college I took a job 1,000 miles away and had my own apartment. I acquired some lingerie and a few dresses and shoes such as I could afford.

In a few years I married. In those days I “knew” CDing was a no-no and so I couldn’t bring myself to tell my wife. Instead, I wished ever harder that I could “outgrow” CD. Of course, everyone here knows that doesn’t happen, and it sure didn’t for me. Until I was “discovered” 35 years later, I dressed sporadically when there was opportunity. Occasional business trips helped. All that time I never lost my need to dress. I just kept it in the closet.

After discovery my wife slowly became accepting so I could openly dress inside the house. Now at age 70 she has passed on, and alone in the house, I dress most every evening, which is what I really have wanted to do for at least the past 50 years.

No, CDing didn’t go away only to return later. It has always been part of me. And now, older and wiser, I can enjoy dressing without the guilt, shame and conflict of days long gone by.

Daisy

[Joanne f]

Once i started (which was very young) the desire never stopped and i would dress i some form or another whenever i could always finding some excuse to at least put on a skirt just for fun.

[Nicola2876]

I think it has more to do with circumstances and not age maybe. My urge to CD has always been there but the chances to do it and to risk being found out has impacted my dressing. I've been through the trying to stop and filling my life with a wife and a child but the CDing has come back with a vengeance over the last year as well as the gender confusion I've always felt.

[Shari]

Sarah, it sounds like we could be sisters. Your descriptions fit me almost perfectly.

Life pretty much got in the way rasing three kids and everything that goes along with that.

At this point, I'm out to my better half for a little over two years. It's like making up for some lost time, the times I knew I just couldn't do it.

Moreso, I've decided after giving up so much for so long, it's time to be a little selfish and indulge myself more.
It's not so bad to say "me" for a change, is it?

[Keely]

About the same for me. Lot's of things going one when I was younger and now it is time for me.

I dress way more now than when I was younger.
I'm not afraid to shop for myself, I guess I don't care what, if anything, anyone cares.

[bron]

"I still like some of the "man" stuff like riding my Harley and such, but I'm really liking my femme side the past 10 or so years." Thats me to a tee....the day i bought my harley was the day i went to my first cd meeting. What a day! Macho in the morning when i picked the harley up......very fem at night for the cd meeting....

[Raychel]

The story you tell, sounds like my life exactly. Now I guess I am past the mid-life stuff. And like Keely, I am dressing more then ever. I just don't care what people think. This is me, it is my life and this makes me happy. :2c:

[jasmine57]

I agree. Earlier in life I was so busy taking care of everyone else, I didn't have time for me. Now that the kids are grown and I'm divorced, it's time for me. My femme side seems to get stronger every day. Dressing is wonderful but almost becoming secondary now a days. I love my girly time even if I don't dress the part.

[Kate Simmons]

Simple really, we wised up.:)

[audreyinalbany]

yup, it certainly sounds like a familiar story. I dressed a little as a very young child (pre-school age), then went dormant for years. Never had the desire or even consciously thought much about dressing until my wife and I started living together when I was in my mid-twenties. I don't know if that was because of the availability of women's stuff or what, but, at that time, it was all about sexy lingerie and sexual turn-on. Over the years my urges have morphed into makeup, wigs, breast forms and 'age appropriate' presentation. I still sometimes get a sexual turn on from dressing, but it's not really a main focus of my dressing any more.

[ReneeT]

Yes, the pattern is very familiar. As a medical person, the first thing I thought of when you posted your question was, "hmm, that time course also parallels the rise, plateau, and fall of testosterone levels in men". What does it all mean?

[Emme]

After age 50 or so.... I think I got tired of the "secret". I explained to my wife that the time had come to stop the tension. She had known Emme for 25 years and I finally got the point across that Emme is just me. I compared myself to my testosteone laden brothers and she "saw my point'. The fact that I vacuum, make lots of money and do most of the house work. (because I want to!) she keeps me around. She even goes with me to live in the AK bush from time to time.
Now I dress almost all the time I am not at the office. I can't get enough LOL that's not new!

Love to all.

PS: I had no desire to dress during Navy boot camp as a kid! Wonder why?? LOL

[Kaitlyn Michele]

*nods*

"What happens at midlife" is probably the crux of someone's entire life.

I could write several hundred thousand words about what happened at midlife for me.

Wen!!! Midlife??? YOU!?!?!?! No way...

i used to joke about it, but not anymore....this whole midlife thing really impacts people, and its often when people realize that their lives are not going the way they want, or that a particular thing is missing..in our case, its pretty obvious what was missing.

i wonder what kinds of crazy things people do at midlife...

i felt it was my last chance...now or never...so i picked now.

[Karan]

It appears many of us are in the same boat. My crossdressing has been put on the back burner for decades. Good father, husband, community member, son etc and I still am. However, at middel age we realize how little time we have left. I am starting to do more at this age because it is my life. This includes underdressing, shopping a little more and participating more on this site. I expect to expand it more in the coming year. I am more convinced that it is not when we are young we discover ourselves, it is when we realize we are mortal.

[Starr]

Well I think a lot of it has to do with being more accepted, remember, when most of us in our 50's and older started this there was no internet, no groups, or forums like this one. We, well at least I, thought I was pretty much alone in the desire to be girly. While younger I tryed to be what everyone said I should be, a manly man. But now we all know there are many like us, we have seen crossdressing accepted on TV, (aka Rue Paul) and many others. I am also sure as some stated testrone has had a hand in our own mind set as to our crossdressing. Whatever it is I am just more at ease with dressing and being in public and don't really care what the reason is.

[Wen4cd]

Wen!!! Midlife??? YOU!?!?!?! No way...

i used to joke about it, but not anymore....this whole midlife thing really impacts people, and its often when people realize that their lives are not going the way they want, or that a particular thing is missing..in our case, its pretty obvious what was missing.

i wonder what kinds of crazy things people do at midlife...

i felt it was my last chance...now or never...so i picked now.

Well, when you're absolutely certain you have nothing left to look forward to but inevitable slow decline and death, and hopefully without leaving the smallest trace of your blighted existence on the earth, mid-life comes along at about 33-35, and even the smallest of things, (like finding something in which to believe,) seem huge and crazy.

I remember two years ago, I wrote down my life's goal, "to get to the point of death without doing any damage to others on the way, to go away somewhere and die hidden and quietly, like an old cat might." Then, the mistake that was my existence could be quietly rectified. I would take nothing of life, because I had nothing to give, and I would feel ashamed for the air and food my body had wasted.

Then out of the sky one day came the mockingbird, who said, "ok loser, if you don't want it, I'll gladly step in and take it."

I gave it to her, and now I am her. Of course, she waited until I was totally committed to non-existence before she revealed that she was me all long.

[il.dso]

Yes, my crossdressing desires have increased dramatically with age, something I
didn't really expect to happen. I'm not sure why this has been the case and
appreciate the reasons offered by others. I do believe that it involves many factors,
including psychological factors, social factors and changing brain chemistry and hormones.
Having the internet has also helped as my ability to purchase great women's clothes has also improved dramatically.
Since I never totally figured out why I love to crossdress, I don't think I'll be able to
fully understand this phenomenon as well. I'm grateful to have this forum to share our
insights and struggles.

[Madilyn A.]

I totally agree that the urge to dress, the urge to act more feminine definitely increses with age. I believe it has much to do with the travails of life. Many of us started very young and dressed every spare minute of the time, ie., "mom I'm sick gotta stay home from school today". Then, life got more complicated, we had gym class with showers, testosterone coursing through our bodies, life was becoming complicated. Then, families, bills, our bodies are now accustomed to testosterone, little femme activity. Older yet, the family has grown, more time to myself, testosterone production begins to decrease with age, we dress more often. Another few years go by and we are much more comfortable femme than drab. Anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it !!.........Madilyn

[audreyinalbany]

actually, starr, I think you bring up a god point...not only am I maturing and have lower testosterone levels, but, at this stage in life, there is such a thing as the Internet which allows for increased communication about crossdressing, and increased acceptance..

[Katie Ellen]

My desires have never gone away. There were times when the opportunities were affected, but even then I don't recall going more than a couple of weeks.

Even wrapping a towel after a shower could trigger a feeling and a desire for more.

[kimdl93]

Yup, me too. At mid life, I witnessed one marriage end and after a couple years was ready to start a new ltr. At that point, I came out to my gf so that I'd know if it was to become an obstacle. Fortunately, she was entirely OK with it - just not around the kids...which of course I agreed with.

I also think there is some biological factor...as noted above...I think I'm changing into a more feminine being.

[Lorileah]

You know what makes this forum great? It is the fact that we all have common threads. Things that when we start thinking we are totally alone, suddenly show up as a lot of people go through it. It is part of the reason I think we should share, to help others who follow know that they are not alone out there, that if they decide to go out, if they decide to start living for themselves, if we can convince them that life is short and there are no re-rides and to follow your heart, that things can and often will work out. I will throw in the "don't wait and hide, be honest early" part also.

But yes, as with many here, the desire and need was there but other things took priority. Things that maybe were not as important as we thought and many things that really WERE as important as we thought. No one here would give up the children, a few would give up the wife, some would give up the good times they had but don't realize that they may be trading down. In general, I have had a good life. Sure there were speed bumps but over all, it was fun. Life changes, things change and even if what brought you here was bad, now you can feel that you are being yourself.

We fear, early in life, about what people will think of us. How we are perceived and honestly 25 years ago, we would have been persecuted and shunned. We had to survive. So wearing what we wanted or being who we really were had to be sequestered. We kept busy, who doesn't in the years of 20-40. We built what we worked towards, house, profession, family and they all matured with us. We start to see the bottom of the hill now. Before we had all the time and opportunity in the world. The "what if"'s were looking at a long term stable goal, comfort. If you had kids, they grew and left, started their own pursuits. Your wife,either has her profession or is now looking for exactly what you are looking for, what she gave up to be a family before. So it isn't unusual for one to rethink what was or what could have been. And here we are. Older for sure, wiser, maybe, but knowing that if we don't make ourselves happy now, there may not be a chance later. Even if you live to be 100 and midlife is 50, you see the end of the road.

We should not regret what we have done, but we often regret what we didn't do. So we now dress up, some of us pursue the transformation we have desired. The downside is that we have lied to get this far. It is hard to un-do lies, especially when it involves years of commitment. That holds some back again, and we cannot blame them. Comfort is a good thing. But you still have the need to "be", be you, who you are, who you want to be so dressing in silence maybe the option. It takes mid-life for most of us to realize this.

If we could reach out to the thousands of young CD's and TS's out there and tell them, go for it, do what makes you happy. we would do it. That is why I at least preach coming out early. It makes life later easier. There are women out there who if you were honest would love to make a life and family with you. But you won't read this, you will take the same path we did. Mid-life is coming. Try and make it a small hill and not a mountain.

"There was always something more important to do, more important to say. But I love you wasn't one of those things, and now it's too late, tell me you remember" No re-rides

[Gillian]

For me it was the rejection of the Gillian factor by my wife in my mid-twenties, then getting office based jobs that gave me no alone time to let her emerge, so next time I blinked I was in my lat thirties and now in my mid-forties it's now with my new job I have time to fully discover her and gain such deep satisfaction from this it's almost indescribable

[minalost]

I didn't dress at all in my late 40s. Mostly due to having teenagers at home and a disapproving wife. The desire never went away though. Now in my 50s the kids are grown up, I've (sort of) made peace with the wife, and the urge is stronger than ever.

I also think we just naturally go through stages when the need/urge/desire is less. It could be linked to something physical, or it could be that most men find themselves in similar situations at similar ages just do to the natural progression of things: kids, marriage, money, freedom, maturity...

Just some random thoughts on the subject :2c:.
:hugs:

[Carole]

Hi Sarah, hopefully I'll be able to add my twopennyworth when I reach midlife!!!!

[Mistybtm]

This one may be for the more, uh, senior members of the forum.

I started dressing fairly young and was pretty active through high school. As I got into college I was still dressing when I had the chance, but it seems that the opportunites and desire diminished. I would often go a couple of years between times when I would dress. Work, family, more school, activities with friends were all part of the mix, but they were always there anyway. I still had time alone, but crossdressing just didn't enter my mind very often. Then in my early 40's it started coming back and now I'm dressing more than ever.

The question is in two parts I guess. First, does this pattern seem familiar to any of you? Second, what happened? Do you think it was just a lack of opportunity or were there other things going on in life that eliminated the desire/need to dress? Is there something that happens in the brain or with our hormones that change our desires on this? I'm just trying to put this in perspective and can't figure out what was going on during that period of my life.

same for me exactly what you said it seems the older i get (47) the more i desire dressing i am lucky i live alone and can dress every day and do. the only time i am in drab is when i have to go to work or out and about even then i have somthing girly on :o

[Sarah Doepner]

Thank you all. I posted this last night and went to bed figuring there would one or two responses and it would disappear.

It may have been the kids and the job and the testostorone-fueled activities that pushed my crossdressing to the side of the road for those years. But it may have been something else as well. This is another way of asking a pink fog question I posted a while back. That is, "If we know what our needs really are, are the alternate means to meet those needs?"' Actually, I don't think we can easily identify those needs, hidden as they are deep in our brain boxes. Secondly, as our bodies age we are attempting to respond to those needs with changed body and brain chemistry than we did in that mid-life period. We don't have to give in 100% to the desire every time it hits, but we have to find some way to meet the need represented by the pink fog. For me, if I couldn't dress I became cranky and anger would change things. Dressing up was a much better response it seems.

So, I'm thinking that it's not just the responsibilities of age that tend to limit our desire to dress, but there are biological and psychological drivers as well. Part of my belief in that goes back to my belief that my desire to crossdress is at least partially hard-wired. We respond differently at various ages partly because of the changing chemical soup our brains and bodies produce through the years. To use the title of a current movie "It's Complicated".