an SO's initial reaction, warts and all...long

[stresskimo]

ok so i found out literally 72hours ago that my fiance cross dresses and has been for a while behind my back.

I have millions of thoughts dashing around my mind so id like to tell you all everything about my reaction to finding out, partially to help me understand it all but also for those CD's that havent told loved ones what to expect (obviously every individual will react differently) but it may help.

Im also aware that im probably one of the youngest people here (i turned 24 last week) alot of the articles ive read on here and other sites are from women 40+ who found out after 20years of marriage and i dont quite relate, also advise is always welcomed.

i do not wish to offend anyone in this thread but i do want to put as much detail, honesty and emotion into this to give a better understanding as i can. so please be aware before reading.

i will update as often as i can, sort of like a journey blog.

Probably best to also point out that i have spoken to partner about everything im going to write, but i keep thinking it and dont want to keep repeating myself to him.


ok so its sunday night hes expected home soon im excited to see him but sooo bored, im mooching on the internet and decide (i dont know why) to check my internet history.

i go back a few days and find this website, i also find ebay listing for womens underwear and clothing.

"what the hell" i cant believe what im seeing, im blind with fury.

he walks through the door.

i sit staring at the wall i dont know what to do, he asks me over and over whats wrong i say nothing.

then "did you know that this laptop has an internet history"

"no i didnt ill go get out of these work clothes"

"what and into some of mine!" i crassly yell at him through the door.

he comes back in and sits down. I fly out of my chair, screaming "get out" in floods of tears, hurling myself over the kitchen sink and wreching, barely able to stand up. Im a wreck.

The next 5 minuites is a bit of a blur but i hurl insult after insult at him and he just sits.

I finally calm myself down. have a cigarette and sit down again. still in tears and shaking slightly.

i start asking questios...
do you want to be a woman?
have you worn my clothes?
his response is yes only the ones you were throwing out.

I dont care im furious again.

"you make me sick!"

"how dare you!"

"you have to choose , i cant handle this , its this or me! i just cant do it."

i take off my engagment ring.

Hes a wreck. begging to explain. but i dont let him. im so angry hes lied to him, it doesnt matter what he says i dont believe him.

i tell him he'll have to stay in the spare room until he finds somewhere to live. I was adiment i couldnt accept it.

I go to bed.

im lying there so cut up thinking my life was over, i cant live without him but i just cant handle this. Hes not my man anymore. i needed a hug.

"please come to bed i just need a cuddle."

He does. We talk a little more, more calmly, i think it was more the exhaustion than anything.

Next morning we wake up, i phoned in work sick i just couldnt face people, i was just physically and emotionally drained.

He goes to work.

When i eventaully decide to get out of bed i go back too the laptop and come here.

last night hed told me his log in name, so i log in, i read all his posts on here and another site. I see a picture, hes wearing MY dress, MY makeup , MY HAIR EXTENTIONS! im filled with rage again, i cant control myself, i look through my phone i need to speak to someone, but theres no one i can tell.

im alone.

I google 'cross dressing helplines' in a last attmept for some human contact.

i found one, it exists! i phone straight away the first minuite is me just crying into the phone, theres a woman on the other end trying to calm me down, eventually i do, she explains alot, suggests ways to talk to him about it, shes reassuring and suggests a group i might like to join, i join it.

But shes not approving me i need someone NOW!

I come back here, theres a chat link, i go in.

i post 'please someone talk to me'

i get a PM, AmyUK, shes asks whats wrong, i tell her (a little more briefly than this'

she offers her mobile number , i ring,
"i cant belive im ringing this"

she answers , and instantly im calm. We chat about lots of things , she makes little jokes, she cheers me up a bit.

she looks at a picture of my partner dressed '**** me' she says

"what"

"havent you seen?" no i hadnt

but i looked.

waw not bad! bigger boobs than me! thats not on, im laughing. im looking at pictures of my big strong protective man dressed as a woman and its not that bad for the first time in 24hours im smiling and joking around, and a little bit jealous that he looks better than me in the damn thing!

its almost time for him to be coming home so i pull myself together and decide to get dressed.

i get off the phone to amy feeling a million times better so calm and relaxed.

He comes home.

My first question is "why have you lied, i found out last night why did you say you hadnt been wearing my things, ive found the pcitures, you have"

im a very girly girl , i love hair and beauty , i wont go to the corner shop without make up! and i LOVE my clothes, i love fashion. I was devestated hed worn my things.

in a very stern mannar i make him understand he must NEVER use my things again and must replace evrything he has.

We talk, properly with him sitting next to me, facing eachother, holding hands, openly, and honeslty.

i ask alot of questions, and he answers, we have a bit of a giggle, he tells me about some clothes hed like and shoes,

i need to get out of the house, i have a banging headache.

We needed some shopping so we nipped to tesco.

I say we'll pick him up some things while we are there

We go upstairs to the clothing section, wed decided on a code word before we left the house 'smile' if i saw something he might like.

we get up there and im a bit tense, feels a little weird, we look at underwear, stockings, bras, knickers, then onto clothes, we pick out some things and head back downstairs.

im relieved it was strange my heart was pounding all the way round. Then we get to the make up (my favourite thing) we start making jokes and its fun, and light hearted and FUN , im happy. We get thhe things we need and head home.

We get back and he asks if he can have a look at the clothes properly , i say ofcourse. and he starts feeling the fabric and smiling, hes happy but im getting more and more uncomfortable, i ask him to put it away.

We go into tthe bedroom and i get out some jewellery and makeup i dont use and give them to him, he pouts then away and we have some food,

starting to relax again we just sat watching tv and its great. 'normal'

We go to bed, he falls asleep first and i lie thinking

i wake up today , still thinking, thinking the same things ive been thinking for the last 3 days. I cant stop thinking about it, i cant switch off.

He asks if i minded if he comes and here to check if we'd had any responses,

that was fine, but then he starts browsing other threads and i can feel myself getting tense and my heart beats faster.

"its too much, please just for now lets just watch tv"

so we do. i calm again. hes going to work so we get ready to go out, its my parents silver wedding anniversary today so im getting ready to go there, i get dressed "oh no!" im awash of grey! i look awful, "help me!, i need another coloured top, this looks awful!"
"brown?" he sugests.

"BROWN! with GREY!" WAW you really do need my help i joke.
i see him watching me putting on my makeup, hes asking questions about what im doing so i tell him, without getting nervous or anxious, we head off out totally lovely and happy as usual.

Then im sat on the bus with my head phones in and everything comes back all the thoughts, i decide i need to do this, i need to write everything down, for myself and for others.

At the moment im most relaxed about talking about this when im giving advise , make up tips, fashion tips etc i feel im helping him and also involving myself in a way i feel comfortable.

right now i dont want to see him dressed and he says he isnt ready for me to see him that way either.

Im not sure ill ever want to see him that way.

Im sure my thoughts and feelings are going to change alot in the next few weeks, months and years.

I know its not going to be easy, but i understand this isnt going to go away, hes still the person i fell in love with, he has the same mind, the same heart, the same soul.

He's still funny and sexy and protective, sweet and kind.

"its just clothes" .....deep breathe...."its just clothes"



will keep posting

:)

Emma x

[kimdl93]

Hi Emma,

Your really being a trouper - hanging in there, asking questions, remembering the values you saw in him to begin with, and finding some humor in life.

Maybe one thing that would help a little (besides repeating the "its just clothes" mantra) is to think about some of the characteristics you like about him that may be at least in some small part also a reflection of his feminine side.

Best of luck to you - I'm sure we're all anxious to read more!

[ReneeT]

Emma,

Thank you for pouring your feelings out here. You will find much objective support. I applaude your efforts to educate yourself. Learn as much as you can, and keep an open mind. Your man is still your man. This is just one part of what makes him who he is - without this he would be a different person, and you may not like that! I told my wife yesterday - Chili powder is pretty nasty by itself, but it sure spices up the chili - I wouldn't want it without it!

Above all else, keep the lines of communication open. Don't ask don't tell don't work!

PM me if you want - anytime. I have 20 yrs worth of stories about working thru this with my wife!

[stresskimo]

i just want to say a massive thankyou to everyone offering advise , youve been a massive support to both me and my partner.

so the same applies, anyone is welcome to ask me anything about anything.

:) xxx

[Wen4cd]

I say, that's quite an adventure! You certainly had a strong reaction.

Your description is one of those pictures of a process that a lot of CD's struggle to understand. They still will, but your going into as much length and detail as you have offers us a piece of insight as to what goes on, and I thank you for your effort to lay it out.

To me, your description feels like, sort of, how I feel when chatting online with someone who has some strong fetish for something which I don't share, and who I can sense is always subtly leading the conversation into some kind of roleplay oportunity for his own gratification. It's not pleasant, and while I respect someone's personal kinks, I am usually very uncomfortable to be on different levels of conversation, and I am usually driven into awkward silence when someone makes a move, or an advance, when I had intended to talk on a comfortable level. Then, suddenly "everything" looks like an advance, and I am left suddenly wondering who I am talking to.

It takes a willful effort to break the transderivational searching and see the person and their needs again, and that process ends with understanding that someone is actually opening themselves up to you, exposing a part of themselves they've needed to express for so long that it's harming them not to. That they couldn't 'come out' and show you on their own, and kept it a secret usually only shows that their own shame is mixed in, and that is hurting them as well. This is where one's definitions and concepts of 'love' are tested. But there is also an opportunity to be a part of removing that burden of shame instead of adding to it.

I'm not sure if that's just like what you experience, but it's how I am relating to it.

I don't have much advice for you. It's just an ordeal through which you will ultimately grow, and through which your partner will grow, and growing and learning, contrary to popular sentiment, is often painful while it's happening. I'd say keep in mind that your partner is not less than you thought he was, but actually much more. You may be amazed in a good way after you begin learning together, if you find your self willing to. Another thing, while this may come off as a sexual need, and mimic the description I made above, it's usually deeper, and emotional.

[Jenny Beth]

You found the perfect place to blow off steam, hope that felt good, you certainly needed to get it out. Anyway pull up a chair, you're in good company, we don't bite but we do get silly here sometimes. Glad you could join us. :)

[Brandi Wyne]

Emma,
How would you have felt about him if he had told you on your first date that he crossdresses? If you were SO angry when finding out, why are you now on a site that caters to CD/TS? Would you feel differently about it if it were, say, a brother or other close relative? Why do you think he was so reluctant to tell you about that part of his life?

Thanks for posting your feelings.

[Kate Simmons]

I wish you well Emma, both of you. You poured your heart out to us. I assure you it's taken to heart and we are glad to have you here on the Forum.:)

[lavistaa62]

One common thread I've noticed in a lot of SOs response (to MTF, I presume FTM as well though not sure) is anger- as in hurling insults, sometimes physical anger.

My previous SO reacted this way to nearly everything and it led to our breakup because I couldn't understand why anyone would. It's something I've never done and can't envision doing unless it came to someone hurting my kids and then it would be in a measured way meant to contain rather than (pardon the expression) lash out.

So, I'm trying to understand how this feels and what leads to it. My current SO is accepting and didn't react this way at all but lots of others seem to and I'd like to understand why this is the first reaction and why it escapes before it's captured and toned down.

[victoriamwilliams1]

Your in the right place,

I will say that my reasons for not telling my S.O. is that I would get the same reaction x 100 so it would not be good at this time. I to have dropped hints and her reaction was not good. I will say keep researching and learning and you will find some good advice from everyone here:)

[Nicole Erin]

Well, it takes a bit to work thru things. It is usually better if the Trans person explains instead of people just finding out. That is not an option for you two now but at least you two can talk about things.

Couple things - your husband is not gay and probably doesn't want to be a woman. Some guys just like wearing women's clothes.

Of course don't be suprised if some of the trannies right here on this forum start talking about how bad your husband is for lieing. The Genetic girls might say that too but they would understand better than a tranny. A lot of the trans people here tend to forget that THEY caused a lot of hurt when the came out to parents, spouses, friends, whoever. But now that someone else is new and coming out, these same people act like they never went thru all that.
Me, yes I am trans as well.

Just don't let anyone here give you or your husband any hell. he is not the first to hide anything.

[stresskimo]

One common thread I've noticed in a lot of SOs response (to MTF, I presume FTM as well though not sure) is anger- as in hurling insults, sometimes physical anger.

My previous SO reacted this way to nearly everything and it led to our breakup because I couldn't understand why anyone would. It's something I've never done and can't envision doing unless it came to someone hurting my kids and then it would be in a measured way meant to contain rather than (pardon the expression) lash out.

So, I'm trying to understand how this feels and what leads to it. My current SO is accepting and didn't react this way at all but lots of others seem to and I'd like to understand why this is the first reaction and why it escapes before it's captured and toned down.

Im a very fiery and emotional person, i often get my thoughts and feelings mixed up and they come out as anger.

If it was a brother or friend i would have been 100% supportive straight away.

It was the lies and deceit that made me angry, weve been together for 5 years, theres was an incident a few years ago i was only 19 at the time , i thought it was just a fetish, that i didnt like and asked him to stoop. So to find out it was much more than that and he hadnt told me hurt and i projected this in anger, which i now regret but it was what i was feeling at the time.


Emma,
How would you have felt about him if he had told you on your first date that he crossdresses? If you were SO angry when finding out, why are you now on a site that caters to CD/TS? Would you feel differently about it if it were, say, a brother or other close relative? Why do you think he was so reluctant to tell you about that part of his life?

Thanks for posting your feelings.

unfortunatley i cant say how i would have reacted if he'd told me on a first date because he didnt (we also met through work)
i was angry because as i say above hed been lying and sneaking around, i dont have a problem with cross dressing in general, i hate intolerence of any kind, be it race, religion or sexual orientation and wouldnt ever descrimenate.
Im here to learn, seek and offer advise.
my reaction i think apart from the lies was pure fear of loosing my man.

[EnglishRose]

That's very understandable about lies and deceit. My wife found out my dressing was more than just a fetish thing through something completely unrelated, but because of my omission (same as lying really) that I was spending our money on clothing without telling her. Trust is the bedrock of any relationship and I am so glad we came through it together.

[LisaM]

Wow, Emma! Thanks for your post. Like your fiance, I lived through a similar experience but it was 10 years after we were married.

You will learn a lot here including all the shame, guilt and doubt that all of us have lived with all of our lives.

Give yourself time to learn. It isn't easy and it still isn't for my SO but she understands me more and she knows that this side of me isn't going away. It is part of me and it was part of the person she fell in love with--it was just hidden.

[yazooey]

Emma,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, feelings and experiences. I have to say that this site is quite a resource for not only you, who is going through an incredibly shocking situation and for your fiance, who is going through just as much shock as you are. I am assuming. Let me just say that I am not out to my wife. She has no idea.

I can just assume that she would react just as you have. Anger leads to questioning herself, leads to questioning me, leads to some relief, back to anger and questioning, questioning what has been going on behind her back for years, etc. etc. Your husband probably is assuming this is going through your mind too. He is probably feeling guilt for keeping this part of himself from you for so many years and feels sad that you are going through this by yourself even though he is right there for you but may feel some discomfort trying to explain himself. Believe me, if he is anything like me, he feels really, really bad that you are feeling these feelings but at the same time wants to let you in on it, somehow. Somehow, just easing you into it rather than shocking you into it.

Your fiance most likely loves you just the same and if and when you get through the initial shock he will love you even more and most likely you will love him even more too. All of a sudden, you two have so much more in common. Remember, he is still the same person you have loved for all this time. Now there is another part of him to love also. More love is a good thing.

Again, if he is anything like me, his discretion is just as important as yours is, if not even more. There are times when I wish that my wife knew. Somehow found out somehow so that I could have the weight of guilt taken off of my shoulders. I would be willing to experience the anger on her behalf. I have no problem with her being mad at me. I know, with time, she would get over the shock and see something in me that she never knew about before and would love me even more. There just does not seem to be a really sensitive way to approach a topic like this with a SO. At least, in my case.

Be strong, ask questions, don't be offended if your SO cannot or does not want to explain something at the moment. Remember, he is probably just as shocked as you are. And most importantly, don't make any rash decisions that you may regret later. He certainly never did.

Take my words with a grain of salt as I am not out to my wife. These are just my thoughts and maybe some of these thoughts could explain the psyche of just one crossdresser that is so afraid of losing his wife if she ever found out. I don't do this because there is anything lacking in my personal relationship. We have a very healthy relationship and love each other very much. Good luck and you have found a great group of people that are extremely supportive and collectively have centuries of experience with this topic.

[suchacutie]

This is a guess, but I would bet that he is as insecure about this as you started out to be (maybe still are). From what I've read on this site it's not only SOs who don't know what to do/think, it's the MTF transgenders who are also very confused about who they are, how they might be treated (by anyone, not just you), and what it all means. The fact that he's not ready to show you his femme side in full regalia tells me that he's not at all secure at the moment. It may very well end up that you are the one to ask him to allow you to meet his femme self.

One last thought: He/she is still the same person. Now that you know there is a strong feminine self, it may be that this part of "him" really is attractive. My wife really discovered Tina, and is very clear that she enjoys Tina's company. Of course, that makes Tina and I much more confident, but since I'm not yet totally sure who Tina is, or how much of me is Tina, I still have moments of unsurity. My wife and I talk about Tina as a person, but what we are really talking about is the ideas/thoughts/actions that comprise Tina. Maybe that compartmentalization can help both of you define this third person in your relationship!

Our hopes are with both of you!

Tina

[Shelly67]

You realise one thing - you've already approached the problem you both share . You've talked about it . Please believe me , try not to stress out , worry or torture yourself anymore . If theres one thing we all need to do after coming out and the emotional rage is bubbling it's try to calm down . Take 5 minutes out . If you can find that moment of peace , then I hope and pray it'll manifest into good , honest communication with youre partner . It's without doubt , at times it will be hard , emotional and draining , BUT with open heart to hearts you'll be doing one thing together - supporting each other - no matter the disbelief and pain . And thats all that counts . Good luck , please keep us posted .

[Carole]

Hi Emma, can I start by paraphrasing a 30 yr old quote. 'That's one small step for you, one giant leap for your mind'. I can only applaude your honesty and openess in your post.
I can only imagine how it must have felt seeing your SO in your clothes etc, a total betrayal of your own femininity. He probably used them because he was unable to buy and hide a wardrobe of his own.
You had questions of him, was he gay?, did he want to be a woman? Without wanting to worry you, of course this is a remote possibility, however, the chances are that he is not and does not. By and large the main % of cd'ers are just that, content to dress and look like their alter-ego and are heterosexual.
From your post it would appear that you have been together for some time, and has been 'the man' for you; he still is that man just because he chooses to dress differently, in private, to 'normal' men.
Why did he hide it? Fear is the main reason, fear of being ridiculed by his 'macho' peers, fear of losing you.
Work with him slowly, set your own rules and pace and I hope that in time you will see him for what he is, (we tend to be more caring, re our spouses/so's than a lot of masculine men).
Once you have 10 posts you can apply to join the FAB (Female at Birth) forum where the r real girls on here will give you lots of info and not be biased like we cd'ers can be for obvious reasons.

[Stephanie Miller]

Emma,
There is not a person on this board that is following who we are with the intention of hurting anyone. In fact that is the exact reason we tend to hide it. So we don't hurt our partners. When, in fact, we are doing just that by hiding it.
Just remember some of the roughest roads we travel lead us to a paradise of it's own.
Take your time and know that we are all here for you if you need us.

In the meantime... Brown with Grey? :eek: Save us all. If you can't be around him then at least get him a book on fashion!!!! :D

[JulieC]

Stresskimo, can I make a request?

Can we please clone you a few tens/hundreds/thousands of thousands of times so CDers around the world will have someone as amazing as you as a partner?

Not that I need such a partner; my wife is phenomenal, and irreplaceable! I just see so many CDers unhappy in their situations, and wishing they had a spouse like you.

Hang in there :) You're doing fantastic!

Also, I think you can ask for and get into the GG (genetic girl) forum here after you've made ten posts, and one of the administrators confirms you as being, in fact, a GG. ONLY GGs are allowed in there, so you'll have plenty of people who are or have been in the same situation as you.

[Angelofsomekind]

Hello Hello! Excellent post. It actually reminded me a lot of what my wife and I went through. She felt the same way, she had no one to talk to about it. I later heard a saying that made so much sence, as soon as we come out of the closet to someone, we take them by the hand and bring them right into the closet with us. It is hard, it isn't something that everyone has experience with. But it's good you found this place, my wife looked around before and found some 'support' sites that were really really bad. We went to a tri-ess meeting once, but we were younger than anyone else by 20 years, we felt we didn't really fit in. But if you ever need to talk to someone my wife and I always offer our best advice if you need. If you want to get incontact with her let me know.

[stresskimo]

This is a guess, but I would bet that he is as insecure about this as you started out to be (maybe still are). From what I've read on this site it's not only SOs who don't know what to do/think, it's the MTF transgenders who are also very confused about who they are, how they might be treated (by anyone, not just you), and what it all means. The fact that he's not ready to show you his femme side in full regalia tells me that he's not at all secure at the moment. It may very well end up that you are the one to ask him to allow you to meet his femme self.

One last thought: He/she is still the same person. Now that you know there is a strong feminine self, it may be that this part of "him" really is attractive. My wife really discovered Tina, and is very clear that she enjoys Tina's company. Of course, that makes Tina and I much more confident, but since I'm not yet totally sure who Tina is, or how much of me is Tina, I still have moments of unsurity. My wife and I talk about Tina as a person, but what we are really talking about is the ideas/thoughts/actions that comprise Tina. Maybe that compartmentalization can help both of you define this third person in your relationship!

Our hopes are with both of you!

Tina

i have asked him if he has a female name. he says no because he doesnt want to be a woman so he doesnt want a female name, he doesnt want as far as i understand at the moment there to be a third person, it isnt a different him just a different side of the same person.

He says he does it to relax, to feel more 'soft' and feminine. And would never leave the house dressed. Is this common? do alot of CD's just do this as a 'release'? to just express a softer side to them every now and again? i get the impression from a few people on various cd forums that every CD is expected to be a woman 24/7 (or as often and publicity as possible) and people that dont feel the need to do this are in denial.

[Angelofsomekind]

Every one of us is different, we all want and get something different out of it. The only one who can know what he wants out of it is him. Anyone who says we all are looking for the same thing doesn't know what they are talking about.

[SamanthaS]

Hello, I would ask you to ask yourself this question: "Don't you wear clothes to attract a man?" Ever think that your clothes are such a turn-on that some men, would like to wear them. there are far worse things your man could be in life :)

[stresskimo]

Hello, I would ask you to ask yourself this question: "Don't you wear clothes to attract a man?" Ever think that your clothes are such a turn-on that some men, would like to wear them. there are far worse things your man could be in life :)

through reading this site i am starting to understand more and more why men do this, lets face it the majority of mens clothes are boring, dull, baggy and well boring lol they are designed for comfort, womens clothes on the other are designed to make women feel attractive and to attract other men yes, if im not wearing the right outfit i feel ugly and unattractive, i generally have no energy and tend not to want to go or do anything.

why shouldnt a man be able to feel good about himself.

in the same way if i want to wear jeans and a tshirt and slob around the house which pretty much all gg's want to do from time to time why cant we.

clothes dont make a person =)

[yazooey]

Emma,

I for one, have found that my crossdressing is really some sort of self-prescribed therapy. I find that whenever I am stressed from life or from work the thought of crossdressing grows stronger and stronger. When I get depressed, as well. I believe that when I was a child I spent a lot of time alone. When I was alone in a huge house there wasn't much to do but to watch televeision. This progressed into dressing in my mother's clothing and actually my father's suits as well, come to think of it.

I think now I find a lot of comfort in women's clothing. It still feels like an escape for me. I don't know if that makes a whole lot of sense.

I saw that you are going into nursing for mental health. Very interesting.

[Angelofsomekind]

I do tend to be far more comfortable when dressed up. Which is kinda strange when I think about it, I'm more comfortable when I wear a corset and 4" heels. As well as spending over an hour getting ready and then being paranoid the rest of the time that I messed up my makeup.

But hey, whatever works I guess.

[stresskimo]

Emma,

I for one, have found that my crossdressing is really some sort of self-prescribed therapy. I find that whenever I am stressed from life or from work the thought of crossdressing grows stronger and stronger. When I get depressed, as well. I believe that when I was a child I spent a lot of time alone. When I was alone in a huge house there wasn't much to do but to watch televeision. This progressed into dressing in my mother's clothing and actually my father's suits as well, come to think of it.

I think now I find a lot of comfort in women's clothing. It still feels like an escape for me. I don't know if that makes a whole lot of sense.

I saw that you are going into nursing for mental health. Very interesting.

This is very simular to my partner, he was bullied alot in younger life and had a difficult home life for a while, this is when it started, with his mums clothing, you should get in touch with him, his username is smileinsecret.

yes i am going into mental health, i start in May im so excited :) my partner encouraged me to do it, hes a nurse too but general adult sector, i prefer understanding how people think and feel and helping by talking rather than stitch 'em up up see 'em on their way type of approach.
Maybe its a reason im coping with this well ill say 'ok' :) for now.

[Stephanie Miller]

"and people that dont feel the need to do this are in denial"

You both better allow yourselves a little breathing room here. Not everyone is in "denial". Some just haven't thought about it, are scared to think that far or maybe even desires change with time. Some people slow down, some speed up and then there are those that are just happy with status quo.
You both have had a lot dumped on your plates in a very short time. How about slowing down and know that you aren't going to have all the answers fast enough to satisfy you and that you are both together on this and as a team can work it out. You sound like you have so far with everything else.
Set your boundaries together and none change unless you change them together.

[yazooey]

Stephanie,

Those are all very sound pieces of advice.

[EnglishRose]

"and people that dont feel the need to do this are in denial"

You both better allow yourselves a little breathing room here. Not everyone is in "denial". Some just haven't thought about it, are scared to think that far or maybe even desires change with time. Some people slow down, some speed up and then there are those that are just happy with status quo.


I think this was the impression she was given elsewhere, not her own thoughts on the matter, to be fair.

[Stephanie Miller]

Very true Christina. Athough I have found in vulnerable times people generaly gravitate towards the worst scinerio first. And I just wanted Emma to be clear that the "denial or 24/7" impression is not totaly true. There is a LOT of middle ground for them.

[alexis GG]

He says he does it to relax, to feel more 'soft' and feminine. And would never leave the house dressed. Is this common? do alot of CD's just do this as a 'release'? to just express a softer side to them every now and again? i get the impression from a few people on various cd forums that every CD is expected to be a woman 24/7 (or as often and publicity as possible) and people that dont feel the need to do this are in denial.

Hi Emma what a great way you have put your story across... I can only answer from my own experience with my partner .. He cd's for release, be it stress or whatever, he doesn't go out in public and certainly doesn't dress to pass.. he is your typical bloke in a dress and like your SO mine hasn't got a fem name either.. he goes by Az_azeel. Feel free to PM me if you fancy a chat anytime :)

[MarinaKirax]

Wow. lots to learn. I have learned alot in the last month on this forum, that time being the date since I was found out by my wife. I believe we are sane, loving, intelligent people and you may want to read over my threads "Well, I got caught..." and the 1 month update.

I see in your last few lines of the first post the same desire my wife has to grasp at normalcy. "it's just clothes...". It is, and it isn't. I think we went though a week or two of trying to joke about my dressing, and then relegate it to the background and almost try to pretend it didn't exist. You see? here we are having dinner and my husband is talking hjust like he always does, nothing changed, right? The truth is somewhere beneath that surface. I'm finding that i want to acknowledge these feeling of mine as a constant part of me; not to dress all the time, and not to long to dress every minute I have alone, but to have it as a 'part' of me at all times. You may think you bought vanilla ice cream, then be angry when you thought the flavour was different, say butterscotch. But you've got neither. You probably have butterscotch ripple. You may eat bowls and bowls of vanilla and never see a vein of butterscotch, but it's there. You cant separate it from the rest.

I've also found in the last month that we all dress for seemingly different gratifications. Is it the clothes? The textures, the image of femininity? The wish to be female, or the wish to mate with males? So be careful. Don't be fooled into thinking that what one person says on this forum is what is going through the mind of your man. Ask him what makes him tick, and don't be sqeamish. Ask what gives him an erection - the thoght of being female, or the clothes? It will be an education for the both of you.

[Wen4cd]

He says he does it to relax, to feel more 'soft' and feminine. And would never leave the house dressed. Is this common? do alot of CD's just do this as a 'release'? to just express a softer side to them every now and again? i get the impression from a few people on various cd forums that every CD is expected to be a woman 24/7 (or as often and publicity as possible) and people that dont feel the need to do this are in denial.

It's one way of looking at a certain 'type' of CDer, or a possibly more accurately, certain 'phase' of personal development in life. The CDer needs, wants, to feel complete, all parts functioning, and not paralyzed by shame and self-hating.

In a pure sense, CDing is a call to better oneself. To express the full range of traits a person was born with. When natural traits are suppressed through life as being 'feminine' and therefore 'not for you,' they sort of become a inner female personality that is semi-conscious. (Anima) It's in everuone, and every woman has, conversely, an animus personality within.

A CDer can be described as someone who has become aware of this hidden side of their personality, and feels that to be the best person they can be, they should integrate it into their full personality. The fact that they do this through dressing is rare, but natural. In one way, the dressing is majorly for the CDer to believe that the intangible concept is real, and the urge to be accpeted and go out socially is another affirmation of the 'realnes' of this newly discovered personality. Someone's only 'real' of it is loved, hated, seen, reacted to, affirmed.

But it is hard, since the anima, while being a collection of traits, is also a personified being, just as we are, being a collection of traits. So, identity issues arise, and are unavoidable, except with, as you say, denial. So that's possible where that vibe comes from.

The idea of being two people at once is a paradoxical concept to grasp, so often there is intrernal conflict, as the higher non-gendered personality struggles to form itself out of the two 'halves.' It is very much like a forging process, and there will be sparks.

Many people would rather just be 'one or the other,' (anyone would, because it's so much easier to think about) and try to, because it is such a painful process. When (and if) your SO faces the inner personality, and sees her for being real, there will be something like a slow-motion reaction to how you reacted yourself. There will be joy and despair and new emotional cycles developing, but there will be life and vitality.

Western culture usually maintains that a person is 'developed' by their 20's, and people take this to mean that they stop growing and are now 'adults.' This illusion usually lasts about 15 years, shorter if someone is not heavily distracted or overly sated.

[kimdl93]

I agree with Marina - each individual comes with his/her own mix of motivations, needs and desires. And these change over time - new parts added, the proportions shift...and we don't really know why. It just is. Its as much of a challenge for a CDer to explain as it is for a spouse to understand.

[Lorileah]

hes still the person i fell in love with, he has the same mind, the same heart, the same soul.

He's still funny and sexy and protective, sweet and kind.




and that is love. It isn't what you see, it is what you feel, inside. It is how you "see" that person inside. That hasn't changed just the angle from which you are seeing things. It may look different, but it isn't.

As you wander through the threads here you will see that he isn't that unusual. He is really just like many here. He has felt alone and afraid, same as you do now, but over a longer period of time. Not the cascade you had, but prolonged. Yes, he hid it from you. He has become good at hiding because he expected that is what the world wanted from him. It was wrong and trust me he knows it. Many times here we say "Tell her, tell her now. It will be easier than later." You don't think that now but what if he had waited for 10 years. Your life would have been even more set than it is now. It looks as though you are trying to work through this. It isn't easy. You both have years, even centuries, of concepts that have been ingrained into you. I am so happy that you have decided to look beyond that. You are scared, he is scared. You need each other. That is how partnership and marriage should be. You need each other. Not one needing the other more. You have hit a bump. You know that he has secrets and I would guess you do also. You don't need to divulge all of them, just the ones that will impact you two as a couple. But now is a perfect time to discuss what you need, what you want and how you both can make that happen. It is just a part of his life. A part that if you want can be good for both of you.

Trust me on this. It is who you are and who he is. The white charger and happily ever after is a fairy tale. But being with someone who really cares about you can make it seem real. I had 35 years of experience on that. I am so happy you came and told us your story.

[sherri52]

Emma: Your awesome. The initial thought was to yell and scream and yet somehow you held out and came to the conclusion that he is the same man except for the clothes. I hope everything works out well for you both.:hugs:

[Debra Jane]

Thankyou for being so upfront about this issue and I have put my story here to hopefully help you both.

In my case I felt tremendous relief when I came out to my wife. To be fair I told her, she didn't catch me and she was not angry generally. She did have the same feeling about the 'lie' that you do and she was very upset re that and it took some time for her to understand what was going on in my head.

CD's have this desire and believe me it is a very powerful and lifetime urge, and because it brings out so many negative emotions in people who find out, see us out or just in conversation about it we can live in fear/dread of what our SO's reaction might be. A marriage is built on trust and I can 'now' see how much I hurt her.

My wife and I spoke openly about the depth of my feelings and where I wanted to go with it. I opened up completely and told her that I've always been putting up a charade, was confused about my gender and was still very unsure about what I wanted. We discussed our individual needs and desires at length (opened both our cans of worms) and out of love and respect for each other our bond is now much stronger, we have both found much more happiness.

She protects me and I protect her.

She enjoys Debra's presence and I am a different person in drab mode when I'm regularly dressing, she will tell me to go and find Debra when she sees that I'm upset and when she's upset we go shopping, lol. Her acceptance has changed me as a person and I have a vastly different view of life and myself as a result.

D.J.

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

And I just wanted Emma to be clear that the "denial or 24/7" impression is not totaly true. .

It isn't, and i'm proof of that, but she's right that the impression is out there. Even on this forum I frequently have people encourage me to go fully en femme because they feel like I don't do it out of some sense of inadequacy as opposed to just not wanting to do it.

[Sally2005]

Great post! I think it provides a perfect example why many CDers keep to themselves. Fear of being rejected over 'just clothes'. Don't forget every woman wears mens clothing from time to time and it is no big deal. I'm a little surpised by your reaction based on your age because I thought younger generations were a lot more knowledgable and accepting about CDing. Anyhow, lots of credit for giving him a chance and taking the initiative to learn about instead of running away. I think if you both can learn to accept it, the CDing can become something you both can enjoy because it is probably something that will never go away.

[Samantha_Smile]

On behalf of myself and Emma (Stresskimo),
I'd just like to extend the greatest thanks to everyone who has contributed towards helping both of us start to deal with this.

It wasn't untill I joined this board myself that I began to fully accept myself. All the years of trying to stop and failing misserably. All the years of lies and hiding. All the guilt and shame. I thought I was the only one. :doh:
It has only been in the last 8-12 weeks that I typed the word 'crossdresser' into google! :o How dumb was I!?
Bringing myself to tell Emma was easily the most difficult period I have ever faced. How do you explain 15 years of shame, lies and guilt?
My biggest regret now, is that I never got to tell her myself.
Damn Firefox.
While computers have potentially saved our relationship in the aftermath, and have brought us to this wonderfull haven of acceptance and welcome, they are, at the end of the day, just a machine. They show no emotion, love or even consideration for feeling. (Im not looking forward to Skynet going live LOL
But this isn't all about me.

I agree with the idea that there seems to be a small culture of gurls who put across that "youre in denial unless youre 24/7, going outside, living it up".
To me thats just retarded, and to be honest, seems a little like dictation, and is very rude. Especially to new members such as my good lady. These people may be known on here for their views and attitudes as the say it as they see it type.

*Maude Flanders Voice*
But thinks of the noobs...
Won't somebody PLEASE think of the noobs!

CDing isn't black and white, its a million shades of grey, then every other conceivable colour on top of that! So please try to remember this when you post an OPINION.
Your opinion is not fact, so please do not phrase it as such.
A simple IMO (in my opinion) will suffice.

Also, while Im here, there is a population of people on here who seek to decieve and confuse others with their thesaurus-like vocabulary.
Now, not myself, nor Emma are dumb.
We both have IQs above 120, so there is no need to patronise us, or anyone else. But if I have to go to google to define any word that you post, then you will have negated your post by default... It wont be read. Simples (eerk).

Enough of my tangent.
Thank you all again so much.
For my push in the right direction.
For The welcome to us both.
For all the kind words.

Much love goes out to you all.

Smile
-x-

[Satrana]

Hi Emma

I am impressed that you are handling this the right way after the world caved in for you. You have to get support as quickly as possible so you can get a handle on what this is really about instead of just thinking the worst and crying yourself into oblivion. So congrats.

Please be careful about reading other posts here. There is a wide spectrum of transgender expression and you should not think everything here is applicable to your partner. Always ask him to clarify what his dressing means to him and trust his answer.

Some words of wisdom. Please forgive him for hiding this from you. He did it out of shame and guilt. He did it because he thought he would lose you. He did it to prevent you from feeling the hurt you feel now. No matter how misguided you feel his decision was to hide it, he did what he thought was best. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt you.

Forgiveness is at the heart of love. Find a way to let go of your anger. Don't fall into the trap some women do of holding onto the anger and using the deception as a weapon and reason to reject their partner's feminine side. Don't go there.

You have the opportunity to build a deeper emotional bond with a man than is usually possible. But be warned that along the way you will discover that you will have to unlearn the rules about gender that you thought were written in stone. Your eyes will be opened and you will never see the world the same way again. You will find society is really just a mirage and you may find yourself rejecting parts of it. It can be scary venturing out of your comfort zone but remember you partner is scared too. He needs a hug just as much as you do.:hugs:

[Jonianne]

Welcome Emma and Smileinsecret! That is so wonderful that you both have found your way to this site. There is a lot of caring here for both of you.

This place is like a large salad bar, take in only what fits your situation. Like someone already mentioned, crossdressers cover the entire spectrum. No two will be the same.

I'm sorry you found out the hard way, Emma. Hopefully from now on you both will have great communication together. BTY, what a great choice of occupation you have made!

[TGMarla]

Well, this is certainly the kind of situation I think most of us are trying to avoid when we choose not to disclose this particular behavior to our wives and girlfriends. It's remarkable that you are actually taking this ball and running with it, though, and that makes your finacee a very lucky person. The thing is, though, is that it's so often NOT "just clothes", but rather something that lives deeper down.

He may say to you that he doesn't want to be a woman, and that may well be true. But it's also the only answer that he knows you will accept. What if we were given the choice at birth, knowing full well beforehand how it would be with us? What would the choice have been then? I would have chosen female over male. But it's only a fictional concept. As for me, there are two different questions to consider. One is "Do you want to be a woman?" The answer to that is yes. But the other question is more pertinent. "Are you going to change to become a woman?" The answer to that is no. I will not pursue the path of transition, and will remain as I am. And I am my wife's husband. I choose her.

But when I'm dressed, I usually go the whole 9 yards. Except for the usual giveaways, the large hands, the broad shoulders, etc., I look like a woman, and have passed as one rather surprisingly easily. Not always, and not to everyone, of course, but still.....it's quite obvious that I'm presenting as female. It's not just the clothes. It's a desire to exist in the world as a woman. At least this is true in my case.

It's also important to understand that this does not change who I am one bit. It would only change my wife's perception of me. She need not ever fear that she will lose me to a gender reassignment. But I think most women want men who want to be men. I'm not adverse to being a man; heck, I am one, and I'm going to stay that way. But given the choice, I'd have opted for female, and for many women, if not most, that's a game changer. And that's too bad, too, because it doesn't make one a lesser person, or a different person, or unworthy of a woman's love and devotion. Remember that but for a genetic crap-shoot, you women might well have been men instead, and you'd be the ones looking at the pretty clothes and longing to be able to put them on.

Think about it.

[Abbyru1]

Please don't make this into something you will both regret. It's going to be a long road
with many bumps. All of the gals who have posted above me have the right idea. It takes a lot of guts to come out of the dark and into the pink fog!

[jessie_b72]

you know? it is funny. H edecided no to tell you about his crossdressing and you got upset when you found out on your own.

In my case, I have told my girfriends( so far three of them (well, I haven't had so many) about me, being bi and dreesing up, and they don't believe me. well, the las one didn't believe me at the beginin but I showed her a pair of heels I was donating. We live together, not as a couple but as friends. we have a good relationship, but I think she still doesn't believe me.

we have been invited to some parties, and I help her choose her clothes, hairdo, shoes and make up.and it's fun. She hasn't see me all dressed up, I think I am not ready.

It is dificult to tell the truth to your loved ones. Believe me. Put yourself in his shoes. would you tell him if you were a FTM cd? Besides, we cds are more in touch with our feminine side, so we understand women and their feelings.

If you love him, try to undesrtand him, and be happy. besides a boyfriend, you have a good friend too.

[Angelofsomekind]

*Maude Flanders Voice*
But thinks of the noobs...
Won't somebody PLEASE think of the noobs!
-x-

Wasn't that Lovejoy's wife?

[JenniferR771]

Thanks for your insights, Emma. The deception problem is big, very important. Shame and fear of disapproval is the basis of it, I think. Imagine if you yourself discovered you had urges to wear pants, cut your hair short and grow a beard. Would you tell your mother? Your best friend?

[JamieG]

Emma, thanks for such a powerful post. My wife went through similar feelings when I finally came out to her (after four years of dating and one year of marriage). I could feel the raw emotions in what you wrote, and it helped me to gain a better insight into what my wife probably went through at first. I now have a sudden urge to give her a great big hug, but unfortunately I'm at work!

I wish you and your fiance the best of luck! If you're anything like us, there will probably be some points in the future where things will seem to go too far, and the anger will resurface. However, if you keep the lines of communication open, you'll both work your way through it, find a balance that works for both of you, and be a stronger couple for it.

[Samantha_Smile]

Wasn't that Lovejoy's wife?

Now you mention it, yes.
Yes it was :thumbsup:

10 points to Angelofsomekind!
:)

[Angelofsomekind]

haha, sorry, I've watched wayyyy too much simpsons in my life.

[Tamara Croft]

i look through my phone i need to speak to someone, but theres no one i can tell.

im alone.This struck a real chord with me, because it's exactly how I felt some 10 years ago... there wasn't this forum either and it was hard :sad: You're not alone, you're here now :bh: and I've sent you a PM with my number... ;)

[Loni]

i do not know what to say, that has not already been said.
but you have found a great online support group, and you stated in your first posting that you found one to talk to by phone,
so i say go girl learn we are not freaks but just people that love the finer things in life.:hugs:

and look at it this way, you did not loose a man, you now have a shopping partner. hay he will know and love shopping spending hours just looking at things, and if he is close to your fit...look at all the new things you can wear.:heehee:

you are great to even learn and try to accept your future husbands hobby, my ex wife was not so and went off the deep end. so right off i know you are a keeper and will be a great wife. keep it up for your self, if no other.

please keep posting, we here will help in any way possable.

a couple books to read. both by peggy rudd.
crossdressing with dignity.
my husband wears my clothes.
both books will answer some questions...and bring up others.

your friend from california,

loni

.

[JustWendy]

I have spent the better part of this morning reading through this thread (instead of working, I might add). The responses from members have been great, and there is little I can add, but simply repeat. We hide this side of ourselves for fear of being rejected and losing the people who are important in our lives. And we put the most effort into hiding it from those who we most fear losing. I hid it from my wife and she found out by accident and went through the same emotional rollercoaster. I'm now separated for reasons unrelated to the crossdressing, but I can't deny that it was the first attack on our foundation.

The other thing I would repeat is that we are definitely not one size fits all, and our own motives may change as we grow older. For me initially it was a release. When going through very tough emotional times, it helped to give myself time to feel softer, vulnerable, feminine. I didn't have a name, didn't own a wig, had little makeup. The focus was on the clothes. I would sometimes underdress to keep that connection with the clothes. Now I have the name, wig, and makeup, and while I love the clothes, the focus is on Wendy and letting her come out and be visable, even if only to me. Now I never underdress. Now, I'm either dressed as Wendy or I'm in drab.
The playing field isn't just "not level", it's contantly shifting. That's why communication is so important. Keep talking - the holding hands is good. I wish we had. The initial reaction may be that he can't possibly love you because he hid this from you. A week ago you probably thought you knew how much he loved you. He probably loves you so much more than you imagined.
Good luck to both of you - I'm a sucker for a happy ending.:daydreaming:

Wendy

[jill_cd_girl]

I agree with the idea that there seems to be a small culture of gurls who put across that "youre in denial unless youre 24/7, going outside, living it up".
To me thats just retarded, and to be honest, seems a little like dictation, and is very rude. Especially to new members such as my good lady. These people may be known on here for their views and attitudes as the say it as they see it type.

*Maude Flanders Voice*
But thinks of the noobs...
Won't somebody PLEASE think of the noobs!

CDing isn't black and white, its a million shades of grey, then every other conceivable colour on top of that! So please try to remember this when you post an OPINION.
Your opinion is not fact, so please do not phrase it as such.
A simple IMO (in my opinion) will suffice.

Smile
-x-

Smile I want to wish you and Emma the best. Emma, I'm sure this is really hard. I have to confess that if I was a woman and found out that my husband/fiance was a crossdresser. So I'm sure it's hard, but I admire the fact that you're willing to feel all the emotions that come with this and at least discuss it openly with a support group and your fiance.

smileinsecret: I'm so with you about what you say in the quote above. That sort of thinking - that you're either out and dressing 24/7 or you're in denial - is completely preposterous, unfounded, and motivated by the same kind of thinking that make people think in totally discrete categories based on dubitable reasons. It's also insulting and utterly presumptuous.

With that said, I wish you both the best.

[stresskimo]

i thought id post my thoughts today and you'll see why.....


ok so first day back at work today, he told me he'd be dressing today we had a huge talk last night about all kinds of things, way into the early hours....im knackered! got to go and do a 12hour shift now.

i get to work and by 11 o'clock im bored stiff! im a reception and it was a sloooow day.

i know he's probably getting ready by now, my minds racing
"i wonder if he got his nails on ok"
"does the new dress fit"
"is he ok?"
so i sneakily send a text from under my desk.

'im so curious, will you take a picture?'

and he does, first sends me a pic of the nails, theyre not wonkey! well done! lol

then the dress, it looks ace! totally looks right.

hes texting me and hes sooo happy , im totally made up.

i send sneaking texts for a while then have to get back to work.

on my break i phone but it goes straight to voicemail, oh no what if somethings gone wrong , this is his first day EVER of dressing without time limit or fear of getting caught, maybe its an overload.

10mins later i get a text, hes been talking to AmyUK , the gurl that saved me on that first day.

'she is lovely!ur were right! and she has a favour to ask you'

a favour?

oh no.....

'a good favour , youll love it!"

ooo now im exciited,

8pm roles around and he picks me up, so come on whats the favour?

theres a shop near us that specialises in womens shoes for men, and his nearest store is London! so hes going to send you some money and he wants you to pick a pair for him.

"really? i get to go shopping !"

a GG's insight she says.

"wicked!"

so we get home, house is a mess glasses and cans on the table, no laundry been washed and no attempt at tidying.....no changes there then! thats still my jjob huh? :)

ive read all your responses and am so thankful to all of you.

Right now everything is great, my biggest fear was wether or not i could be intimate with him , wether the gurl images would get in the way, but thats been overcome too ;) dont get me wrong i KNOW theres going to be hard times but right now its good and im not going to worry myself waiting for the bad to come.

We're having lots of long talks and reading posts here helps to.

and did i mention i get to go shopping?!?!

[Roxi Loh]

I very much appreciate your post and I think its fortunate you found out when you did...not necessarily the way you did. I hope you and your fiance can work this out because the fact that you took the time to post here indicates that he is very special to you. You sound like you are genuinely interested in understanding or reaching an understanding. I agree with previous comments that our crossdressing is a part of what makes us who we are. My wife loves the fact that I pick out nice clothes and shoes for her. It can be something that divides you or it can be something that you share forever.

[Angelofsomekind]

Twice as much shopping now!

[JustWendy]

Thanks for updating us and letting us know that it was a good day for both of you. And, yes, you did mention that you get to go shopping. Did I mention I'm jealous.:D. With the emotional ringer you've both been through the past couple of days, I'm glad today provided shelter from the storm.

Wendy

[georginafo28]

What a very good thread.. very informative from the partners side, I told my wife when we met I was bi and little later about my fantasy to crosdress etc and she has been very supportive, its amazing how if you really love someone then the support is there! Good luck with your future together.

G

[ReineD]

First, welcome to the forum! :hugs: Kudos to you for expressing yourself honestly and with so much candor. Your post is helping many TGs better understand their own SOs. Other members have given you some great feedback that I will not repeat, other than to say that you and your SO are on the right track, and IMO your future together looks very bright.


i get the impression from a few people on various cd forums that every CD is expected to be a woman 24/7 (or as often and publicity as possible) and people that dont feel the need to do this are in denial.

I've noticed the same thing here and on other sites. There are exceptions, but self-accepting TSs do tend to believe that CDs will eventually want to eradicate their male selves, or they are play acting at being female. I suppose it is human to have difficulty understanding someone else's point of view. I know that it is hard for me sometimes to understand my SO's mindset. :)

Also, you can well imagine that transitioning is a difficult emotional process in our biased society, and TSs risk losing everything when they decide to go ahead with it. It is painful to know that so many people reject who a TS is inside. Some TSs come out on the other side having weathered very difficult experiences, and they know that they could not go back to being male just for some respite. This may be why they feel that a CD who doesn't want to live 24/7 is hiding behind the safety of his male mask. Just a thought.

Also, some CDs who've suppressed their own desires to interact with others as their femme selves will feel a sense of euphoria when their life circumstances change or they've come to accept themselves more, and they begin to go out dressed. The excitement is so great that they want to share it with others, and it is difficult for some to believe that anyone else might not want or might not be ready for the same experiences.



Please be careful about reading other posts here. There is a wide spectrum of transgender expression and you should not think everything here is applicable to your partner. Always ask him to clarify what his dressing means to him and trust his answer.


Very well said, Satrana, and the key point here is to trust his answer.

Smileinsecret, you will need to be like an open book and not minimize this hidden desire, or that truth, or that new purchase, even if you feel Emma will disapprove or get angry again. She will feel it if you are secretive, and she will imagine that your small secret is perhaps the tip of the iceberg. Both of you now need to implement a rigorous policy of openness and honesty if you are to continue to move forward. :hugs:

And last Emma, your fiance might wish to expand the CDing now that he is out to you, and this doesn't mean that he is moving towards wanting to live 24/7. It is my experience from having read so many other CD's stories here and with my own SO, that with deeper self-awareness and self-acceptance, there often comes the need to experience more than just dressing to stay at home. It is natural to wish for a more multi-faceted femme existence and seek validation, and want to experience normal social interactions with others, albeit in safe places. This also means perfecting a blendable look with a versatile wardrobe, forms, maybe growing natural nails & hair, piercing ears, etc. I didn't realize how important this was in the beginning with my SO, and frankly much of her growing desires and her development left me surprised and concerned. I wish now someone had given me a blueprint. :D

My SO did reach her goal of being able to do almost as much en femme as she does in guy mode and we move between genders quite happily and with fluidity.


But the other question is more pertinent. "Are you going to change to become a woman?" The answer to that is no. I will not pursue the path of transition, and will remain as I am. And I am my wife's husband. I choose her.


Marla, I understand where you're coming from. But knowing this, most SOs would wonder how happy you would be by choosing one thing over another that obviously means so much to you. How content can you possibly be having made such a choice? How present can you be in your marriage? If my SO told me that she wanted to be a woman, I would not wish to be the reason she is holding herself back. And I would grieve being in a relationship where her passion was driven by her desire to be a woman, rather than by me, even if she did choose to deny herself. If I discovered that I could not live the rest of my married life with another woman, I believe that I would rather we go our separate ways so that we could both have our needs met. Forgive me if I speak out of turn. Maybe your situation is one that I simply cannot understand. But I'm sorry that you've had to give up so much. :hugs:

[flatlander_48]

The interesting thing about human nature is that you can't unring a bell. People don't change in a few minutes, yet when we learn something significant about them, our viewpoint and opinions can change. At that point, it's time to step back for a bit, take a few deep breaths and begin to absorb and process the information. Regarding gender and sexuality, there is a range of how these sit for people in general. What you discovered is that where you though your partner was "here", he's actually "here" and "there". It's not like you thought. Time to think about the relationship as it currently is, where it's going and what you can live with. It is infinitely better to sort these things out now rather than have them keep popping up in a negative light.

And you know, you aren't the first, you won't be the last, but you could be The Best.

[FireFoxAngel]

theres a shop near us that specialises in womens shoes for men, and his nearest store is London! so hes going to send you some money and he wants you to pick a pair for him.


I want a store like that! Where in London? I have family there!

[carolyn todd]

hello emma
if you were my wife /so i would give you the biggest hug (i am sit here
type this to you with tears in my eyes) and say THANK YOU.


emma how about you given your so/partner a girls name?.

carolyn xx

[Samantha_Smile]

emma how about you given your so/partner a girls name?.

carolyn xx

Ello Carolyn.

As I and Emma have said on previous posts, I dont feel like another person when en femme, and as such, I dont feel comfortable with a female name.
I go by the name of Smileinsecret (Im gonna be asking admin if I can change this to just 'Smile' -Obvious reasons) because it is not gender specific, but I think it is still quite a pretty word.

Bloke's names and dresses mix like oil and water. :D

[Tamara Croft]

)Im gonna be asking admin if I can change this to just 'Smile' -Obvious reasons) because it is not gender specific, but I think it is still quite a pretty word.I've just done this for you ;)

[aggi123]

hmmm...I was thinking about telling my girlfriend on the 20th, but now i'm afraid to :eek:

[fetishtop]

I've had a few long term relationships that I believe qualify me to use the term "SO" for each lady. I'll tell about one of them. After having been reluctant to come out to any of my SOs, this one was different; and I had decided to lay it all out tp her. When I finished telling her about my interests, she shocked me by getting very excited and expressing her full approval. As it turned out, she loved to see me decked out, loved to make me up, and insisted that we go shopping for me. Although the relationship did not last "forever,' it was long term and intense. I often think back about this great woman. More later, perhaps?

[NicoleScott]

i have asked him if he has a female name. he says no because he doesnt want to be a woman so he doesnt want a female name, he doesnt want as far as i understand at the moment there to be a third person, it isnt a different him just a different side of the same person.

Many of us are part-time dressers with no desire to be a woman but have female names anyway. If I present as a woman, even just here in this forum, it makes sense to have a female name.

My brother, who doesn't know I'm a crossdresser, when referring to a cd or transsexual, always says.."...he, I mean she, I mean it.....". I believe that to be socially correct, one should refer to a person as that person presents. Obviously, my brother has no clue.

So please don't jump to any conclusions if he takes on a female name when dressed.

[JulieC]

i have asked him if he has a female name. he says no because he doesnt want to be a woman so he doesnt want a female name, he doesnt want as far as i understand at the moment there to be a third person, it isnt a different him just a different side of the same person.

Precisely how I feel. I only have a femme name out of convenience.


He says he does it to relax, to feel more 'soft' and feminine. And would never leave the house dressed. Is this common? do alot of CD's just do this as a 'release'? to just express a softer side to them every now and again? i get the impression from a few people on various cd forums that every CD is expected to be a woman 24/7 (or as often and publicity as possible) and people that dont feel the need to do this are in denial.

Oh hell no! CDers don't come in a one-size-fits-all. We're not all alike or even anything close to it. Some of us actively desire and are desperate to transition to being a woman, including surgery. On the other end of the spectrum, some of us on the rare occasion think about putting on some femme clothes, and more rarely act on it. There's all kinds of CDers in between those extremes.

Your fiance is your fiance. No other CDer is like him anymore than I'm a clone of any other CDer. If all he wants is to dress at home, he's not in denial. His wants and desires with regards to CDing may change over time (mine have), but it doesn't mean he's in denial.

[kimdl93]

I agree with Julie C on this Emma. I think we each have our comfort zone, which may be broader or narrower, depending on our individual preferences or life circumstances. I have to admit, I'd love to be able to dress in public, but I'm not sure I'll ever be confident enough in my appearance to do so. That does not mean I'm unhappy with the way I'm living now - its just an acknowledgement of reality.

[TrendyFlyer]

Thanks for posting Emma.
I was just reading some threads and spotted your fiance's initial post about this and I was horrified for you. I am glad that you did not run away as he thought you would have or as my husband thought I would have. And I am glad you are here now. I find it very comfortable to post here, everyone seems to be very supportive and surprisingly normal (just a little sarcasm :o)
I just recently joined this forum. My husband just told me about his crossdressing 2 months ago and feel I can relate to you as this is new, a little scary, but not something that will make you stop loving your man.
Being educated helps a lot. My initial reaction to my SOs dressing was a little like yours. The last time I caught him I blamed it on him being drunk, he wasn't thinking, he didn't care about me, then I had to explain to him through emails the rest of the day how taboo this subject was. I feel pretty stupid about that now.
It wasn't until a few months later the subject came up again, and this time he explained it to me. I realized he felt just as badly about it, and just because he likes to put on a dress, I can't love him any less and it really doesn't make him less of a man. So we have been learning together "what is this all about?"
I am still uncomfortable about some things, and that's okay. For one, I didn't like his wig, we compromised and he will grow his hair out.
But I don't mean to ramble about me. I am glad your fiance could talk to you and you listened and you're on these forums now.

[Melinda G]

For what it's worth, most crossdressers are not gay.
Womens clothes are sexy, and designed to be that way. Lacy bras, garter belts and stockings are all sexy turnons for men. That's why women buy and wear them. Some of us just carry it a step further by wearing these items. And for every crossdresser, probably a dozen more men think about it, but are afraid to actually do it, because they doubt their own masculinity.
I can only speak for myself, but in my case, my wife, and later my girlfriends were always primary in my life, and crossdressing was always a secondary interest.

Most men have a strong interest in everything to do with sex. Does it really matter if he is reading Playboy, watching porn flicks on the sly, or buying himself lingerie, so long as he keeps you number one in his life? Just trying to help.