Lies and Deciet!!

[JackieInPA]

There has been a lot of commentary lately about cross-dressers lying to those they love about their dressing. Most of the responses have been very negative and condemning.

In my situation my wife knew about my dressing but not the true extent of things. She thought it started with her. Didn't know that it has been literally my entire concious life. I finally told her the whole story when there was the possibility of my whole history being brought out in court. (friends custody battle). She took the news well "Whats the difference?"

Now on to the meat of my post...

Most of us have been told our whole lives how terrible people like us were (Maybe not directly as in You are terrible). How we were perverts, 'fags', and a host of other sexually depraived terms. How we were going to go to hell, been beat up or seen or heard of others get beaten. Maybe been rejected in the past. Experienced more guilt than you can shake a stick at. Many who are closer to the tg/ts spectrum, go through a lot of self loathing about their bodies, and for the most part go through this alone, ignorant of the fact that there are others out there. Add to the fact that the internet is still fairly new and support like this site wasnt available for a lot of us to help us understand ourselves and not to feel like total freaks, and that we were not alone in the world. Can anyone really blame us for not screaming from the rooftops "I dress like woman hear me roar?"

Many went into marriages hoping it would 'cure' them that having the 'right' woman would make them a man. Many thought they could just quit. Most were prolly just terrified to tell the person they love most something to to many of us was the darkest, dirtiest secret that we couldn't imagine anyone would still love us after finding out.

I don't condone lying, but most of us were in a mental catch 22.

Well just needed to vent a little steam that has been building up for a while.

[Andy66]

I despise lying, but you do make a good point. Fear and shame can be very debilitating emotions. It makes me wonder, though, about the wide range of attitudes on this forum. How is it that some people are "out" to everyone, some can't even tell their spouse, and others range everywhere in between?

Congratulations for having the guts to tell your wife. Too bad about her reaction. Maybe all is not lost though, with some time and counseling. :hugs:

[JackieInPA]

My wife is good with my CDing. It was the fear of telling her it didnt really start with her that gave me palipatations.

[victoriamwilliams1]

Good point and for me it would be a problem in a major way:)

[TerryTerri]

I learned a VERY hard lesson concerning lack of truthfullness years ago and I have heeded the lesson. When my (now soon to be ex) wife and I first started getting to know each other, she asked a question that I don't think she quite realize what she was asking. And, with an "O shit" deep breath I told her. I knew at that point if I had not, it would bite me in the butt much worse later, it ALWAYS does.
In our 8 year marriage we were always respectul and truthful with each other. My CDing unveiled itself to be something much deeper and fundemental during this 8 years and I am in reality a transsexual. This has caused me to take apath upon which my wife has respectfully chosen not to walk with me. We are getting a divorce. But, we are not mad at each other. There is sadness for the loss. But, having always been truthful and respectfull is making a difficult situation more survivable. There is no anger, blame and garbage involved. She respects me and I her.
I'm not positive that Honesty is always the best policy. But, I personnally can not think of a situation where a lack of honesty helped any situation. Even though sometimes honesty can hurt another feelings (being honest and being brutal are two distinctly different things).

[Andy66]

My wife is good with my CDing. It was the fear of telling her it didnt really start with her that gave me palipatations. She must be glad to hear that. It might be weird for her if she thought she "turned you into" a crossdresser. :)

[ginafaye]

its very hard to live a conflicted life, be honest with yourself and those you trust as soon as possiable.......

[Presh GG]

Yes, I see your point. In the 70's when we were married, there were 4 books in the library about cding [tranvestite] All of them were negative, to put it mildly. How could a man be expected to say "I'm this terrible thing?" However women aren't stupid. We look at our lovers and Know we are not so stupid to have chosen a "terrible love" So years later , turns out we were right and the Stupid books were Wrong! Imagine that!

So fast forward to internet days. Isn't it marvelous to have such a warm, wonderful group of people world wide who can connect and support one another to prove to the world what we have known all along, the books were wrong.

Presh GG

[Hope]

You are absolutely right...

And add one more issue to the list - lots of men are in denial about it. Look around on the forum and you will find LOTS of girls who say something to the effect of "I denied I had this problem" or "I repressed this until I was 45" or "I though if I was just manly enough it would go away" or "Every purge was the last one..." If guys can't even be honest with them selves about this - how can they be expected to be "honest" with anyone else?

I think wives and girlfriends have every right to be upset and angry about not being told sooner - but if they are going to continue in the relationship they don't get to be angry forever or use CDing as a weapon to beat their husbands over the head with.

[Samantha Kelsey]

So much fear is expressed about the consequences of 'coming out' or at least telling your nearest and dearest. If you really do think that telling her/him will be disastrous then you should give a thought to how disastrous life would be if they found out some other way. Good relationships are based on trust, from both parties. If you can't trust your partner not to walk out the door then you don't have much future anyway since it's obvious that your partner cannot trust you even though they won't know this yet.

.

[Ruth]

I speak from the viewpoint of one who told his wife some years back and we are (fairly) OK with the situation. I won't pretend she is over the moon about it.
Anyway, it took, I believe, a lot of courage and resolve to have "the talk", and it was born out of complete desperation on my part. I could not bear living a lie any longer; I think it was affecting me in several ways, physically and psychologically. I realised there was a small chance that it would all blow up and my wife would want out, but I had to take that chance in order to live some kind of peaceful life. Things are not perfect because most of the family still don't know, but at least I have the freedom to dress as myself at home in private.
If you are not a CDer you don't know what this means.

[Jonianne]

......I think wives and girlfriends have every right to be upset and angry about not being told sooner - but if they are going to continue in the relationship they don't get to be angry forever or use CDing as a weapon to beat their husbands over the head with.

There is a time for the SO to express their anger and disappointment in the lying, but if your CD'er is a good person, then the time comes for the SO to say "enough said" and begin the process of forgiving, healing and working it out between the two. There are so many good examples of that here on this forum.

[Daintre]

Many went into marriages hoping it would 'cure' them that having the 'right' woman would make them a man. Many thought they could just quit. Most were prolly just terrified to tell the person they love most something to to many of us was the darkest, dirtiest secret that we couldn't imagine anyone would still love us after finding out

I am from that era, the pre-internet one where the only information was in the library. Not just that but it was found in the Abnormal Psychology section. Wow, I was a pervert according to my reading. I was also naive enough to think marriage to a person I perceived as a soul mate would fix my "perversion" . I was right, though only for 6 months. Today we live in a different world with huge amounts of information at our fingertips, we know we are not perverts, just people with baggage. It is easier today to deal with that....Don't get me wrong here, the reveal is still painful but the person receiving the news is probably more informed.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I lied. It is totally and utterly wrong to lie and I am forever sorry for it.

The only thing that makes me feel better about myself is that because of all the reasons you mentioned, I had a really really good excuse. But it was still lying, and it was still wrong...

by the way, that doesnt make me a bad person, its just something bad that I did as I struggled through something, and it had consequences for other people

[DAVIDA]

The hardest thing that I have ever done was tell Jean about my secret life. But, I told her before we were married. I had to. As scared as I was, I could not get married and not tell. It had to be her decision whether or not to be a part of that secfret life.
Well, that was almost twenty years ago! It isn't as big of a secret as it used to be. And she was the one who helped me to become accepting of who and what I am.

[Amy Lynn3]

Thanks, Presh GG for your wonderful comment. Nails it !!!

[Cassandra]

I don't have any problems as far as having to lie because I'm enfem 24 hours a day and everyone considers me a female now.

[Cathytg]

Your vent is well stated. You have certainly echoed my life in that regard.

Very few of us actually come out all the way and just let anyone know who we are. I certainly don't do that. And, in that sense, we do live lie. I, for one, hate doing that but I don't really know how to get past it. I have adjusted to who I am and where I am and it's not nearly as hard as it once was. But it is still living a lie.

[Katesback]

You can take the friendliest animal and if it is put into a life or death situation it will do whatever it can to survive. This sort of behavior carries over to humans. If a trans person feels thier world will come to an end as they know it if their friends and family were to find out about them they are GOING to do whatever it takes to keep that secret.

Is it lying? Well yes it is. On the other hand it is pretty understandable why the lying exists.

What can hopefully be learned is that they are not the first person to come out. They are not the first person to go completely through transition and survive. Do they face the chance for rejection? Yeppers, but the benefits derived for being who you are almost always trump the losses.

Katie

[Angie G]

Thank God I no longer need to Lie to my wife about where that blouse left on the sofa thats not hers or the hose left out. Now she knows and is OK with my dressing.Wish I could have told her years ago. Now all my thing are out of hiding as am I. At least too my wife.:hugs:
Angie

[kimdl93]

I can certainly understand the defense mechanism of withholding information from an SO. I don't encourage it...but I do understand that fear is the prime motivator, not intent to harm or decieve.

Also, I don't think all of us know what we "are" at an early age. When I married my first wife I knew I liked wearing women's clothes, and was ashamed of it, but I didn't know it would persist - thought it a phase or something. I was lucky in that she tolerated it, as long as it was part of our sexual repretiore...not an every day thing. Not every woman can accept it for the same reasons we repress - fear and misconceptions.

[Karren H]

Not telling a secret isn't lying in my book. And when my wife did ask me I told her the truth! That I liked to crossdress. So call me a liar.... I could give a damn what anyone thinks..

[gabimartini]

Hi Jackie, I liked your post.

I lived in absolute denial for many years. Not really understanding the need to dress, but loathing myself for it anyway. It wasn't until I started to explore CDing from a different perspective and understand I wasn't this freak I though I was, that I mustered the courage to share my "dark secret" with someone close to me. Actually more than muster the courage, I felt a need to share this with her. Her reaction surprised me, for the instant support she offered. (My SO rocks, she's the best!)

Prior to that, I didn't see the need to tell anyone, because I honestly thought I could repress CDing and make it go away on my own. So, I don't think I was really lying about it. Definitely omitting, though. Oh well.

[Dee2U]

I attempted to briefly bring up the issue over 30 years ago and it was an absolute bust. She doesnt like the idea, period. She knows I have fantasies and I think she knows that I would still like to dress up. After a recent 3 week absence she asked if I had masturbated and I said I had. She then asked pointedly and in an obviously negative manner - I lied and said no. I am frankly very afraid of her in many other ways and we dont talk about most things where there will be conflict. That's the real issue. My TG feelings and crossdressing would just be the absolutely worst thing to discuss first. You young thngs have it so much easier. It isnt just the technology, its also the greater degree of tolerence generally. I am not certain where I am going with this post but know I need to work on speaking to my SO on less dangerous topics first.....Dee

[JiffyJ]

I attempted to briefly bring up the issue over 30 years ago and it was an absolute bust. She doesnt like the idea, period. She knows I have fantasies and I think she knows that I would still like to dress up. After a recent 3 week absence she asked if I had masturbated and I said I had. She then asked pointedly and in an obviously negative manner - I lied and said no. I am frankly very afraid of her in many other ways and we dont talk about most things where there will be conflict. That's the real issue. My TG feelings and crossdressing would just be the absolutely worst thing to discuss first.

This is very much like my situation.
My wife is not only 'not interested', but she is not interested in trying to understand or learn.
I don't critiscise her for it, as I wasn't honest from the beginning. But it does lead to much frustration for me, always hoping for that conversation or bit of acceptance that will probably never come.
When she has brought it up in the past, the harsh tone of voice and obvious disapproval simply made me feel cornered and put on the spot, so I'd just end up avoiding talking about it.
I feared her.

The sad thing is, we get on so well in all other areas of our lives.

[JulieK1980]

While I definitely don't condemn anyone for lying about it, I personally could never even imagine what my life would be like if I never told my wife. I'm grateful that I don't have to hide that part of myself!

When I dated while I was younger I was often rejected by women when I "came out" to them, but ultimately I can't help but think, most of the women that rejected me, I never would have been happy with in the long run anyway. Not to mention I never would have met my wife, and would probably be much less satisfied in life.

I think at this point in society, if your dating someone, you should tell them, before it gets serious. But I also understand why those of us that grew up in a different era chose not too. The world was much, much different in regards to CDing back then. :2c:

[tess graham]

Jackie, I love the last line on your post. I can really relate. Thanks for putting into words what most of us say to ourselves. Tess

[Presh GG]

Exactly Jody !
Spot on, as we had little truth in information back then. The world is a better place for the next generation.

Presh GG

[msniki48]

Jackie,

This is a very strong Thread.

I don't know how old you are, but i am finding the younger sisters here are more apt to open up to their So's today, than people of my age , or there abouts...i am 58. Everything is like you said in your post...you were considered dispicable if you weren't a total man. So yes, i went throught 26 yrs of marriage before i spoke to my wife about it... at 48 yrs old i didn't know what TG meant...i thought i was messed up. it took a therapist to help my wife and myself understand that i was really a good person. My wife ended up supporting me...thank God.

unfortunately, She passed away almost 9 yrs ago. i made up my mind, that if i ever met anyone again, niki would be one of the 1st topics of conversation...[ i am married again to a very supportive, wonderful lady] yes I believe in the truth, but i totally understand why we don't shout it up on the roof tops.

i wish you well

:love:

[divamissz]

If you think you can keep your crossdressing from your wife, think again. Someday she will find out. And the consequences will almost always be negative.

I was open about my crossdressing from the start of my relationship. It was a risk, but I had decided that anyone I was going to marry was going to know. If she'd hated it, then I wouldn't have married her. Instead she accepted me and we've had a strong, positive relationship.

[JackieInPA]

Msniki48: I am currently in my upper 30's but i have been married for almost 10 years and with her for 3ish before the marriage.

And to Divamissz: Like i said i don't advocate lying. It will come out eventually and there will be hell to pay. The purpose of this thread was in resonse to several threads where a lot of cd's who hadnt been totally honest were being vilified. I was making the point that the lying wasnt dont out of malice but out of fear, guilt, and confusion.

[msniki48]

Msniki48: I was making the point that the lying wasnt dont out of malice but out of fear, guilt, and confusion.

This is exactly why we do what we do.

My wife's dad was gay and in the military...married with 8 children. when she died he left for florida to live his lifestyle...No one knew about it until he wrote a letter . So many of us are still of the mindset that we are doing something wrong...and we are afraid of reprisal from our loved ones and society. [ and guess what... in many cases that is still what happens] back then you were told meet a good woman and you'll be cured of your gayness... i hope the future generations are not stigmatized as we are. i am in total agreement.:Angry3:

hugs:hugs: