Still confused...Can't get out of this....

[cdkelsi]

Ok first let me say to all of you that I wish I had your courage and beauty. I do not. I have never been out fully dressed or experienced the freedom and joy of being around others like me. I do not know if that is the problem or not.

With that said I am just so confused about my whole situation. One moment I can't not wait to get into whatever I can and then the next I just want nothing to do with it. I have purge far more than I would like to admit and believe I missed my one door to be truly happy in all of this. I had almost purged again, but luckily I did not, i kept my stuff. I am happy I did, but again am feeling like I should not and I should just erase these feeling.

Since I kept my stuff I went and got a Tattoo on the back of my calf thinking that would stop me from feeling girly. The fact of the matter it did not. I love the tat, but when I look at my leg I feel girly and wonder what it would look like while in Heels.

What is wrong with me. Seriously how do you all do it? Is there a happy medium? Why do I want to dress and feel girly. I do like woman, but I have had thoughts about other things.
It is getting to the point it is harder and harder. I like my life and do not want to loose any of it, but I would like to try some more of this other side too!!! is that wrong? Again is this normal.

maybe it is time I really try to talk to someone. Maybe to get cured or to learn to put feeling aside or whatever. What do you think?

Anyone in FL know of any female therapists that are good to talk to? Any advice. Thank you.

Hope you all are well. I have so much respect for those that are on my friends list as well as those are not.

Kelsi

[suchacutie]

Uh huh....to all you said.

I know what it's like to suddenly understand nothing about yourself! My wife and I discovered Tina only 4+ years ago. I was 55. I walked out of the bathroom in stockings and 6" platforms and my wife said "we have to buy you a dress". The only thing that was clear was that some unknown feminine creature had been hiding all this time inside the composite that is me. Luckily I have a completely supportive partner in this adventure who knows all about growing up as a girl and being a woman. She's as curious about Tina as I am!

So, welcome to the club. I hope some of the FL girls can help you with referrals. All I can say is that you fit right in here! Many (if not all) are looking to figure out who we are, but we can't find out if we don't investigate...at least that's how I look at it. I'm hell bent to know this Tina person, and as such, she needs time and practice. Maybe when I know all about her she'll quietly vanish, but I sure doubt it! :)

Feel free to PM me any time you'd like to talk.

tina

[monica.missil]

I think many of us, if not most, have gone through what you are going through.
So please know you are not alone in all this. I dont believe anyone can give you the answer except yourself. there are those that can help you along the way, a good therapist and other transgendered. I hope you are able to find support to help you.

You have already made progress, not purging, but storing. Believe me it gets real expensive if you think throwing everything away will cure the problem.

I wish you the best...

hugs

Monica

[kimdl93]

I can't help you with FL, but I can reassure you that what you're feeling is not unusual. I am certain that most CDer have vacillated between the extremes of denial and accepting themselves.

You seem troubled by this and I really do think that it would help you to talk to a therapist...just to help you get a better understanding of yourself, and to avoid negative thoughts.

You can be happy with yourself, you can indulge your desire to feel, dress and act in a feminine manner and be a good person. Good luck on your journey!

[jasmine57]

Kelsi-
First of all please know there is nothing wrong with you. You may want to talk to someone to help you sort out your feelings, but as far as being cured, I don't think there is one. I along with many others have been in the same place. I have just recently come to terms with wanting to explore my femme side to the fullest. I have spent many sleepless nights trying to sort out my feelings. I've come to the conclusion that I want and need to be happy. This is what makes me happy and I need to bring out the feelings I've had for so very long. I hope you find the answers you're looking for .

[cdkelsi]

Thank you all. Very appreciated. i am sure it is a long process and every time I try to start it I always fall back and stop. Nevertheless I hope to find some type of closure in some type.
Thanks again.

[Samantha_Smile]

Do you have an SO? If so does she know?

If I had nothing to hide in my own home, I dont think I could even think about purging. I purged in the hiding phase, but why try to repress what is clearly something that you enjoy?

Accept yourself first, then see how you feel.

[Wen4cd]

What was it Peter Gabriel said in that song?

"You've got to get in, to get out."

As long as you're intent is to suppress the inner parts of you that want expression, you're fighting a losing battle, and these things will seem like uncontrollable desires. It's unneeded shame that's harming you.

There is, indeed, a happy medium to be found, but it first comes from seeing both sides as yourself. You have to see both ends to know where the middle is, and if you're avoiding looking at the other end, you won't be able to see it clearly.

If I might make a simple suggestion. For a while, refer to your 'need' to dress as 'therapy.' Say, "I dress to find balance, because I wish for wholeness," and see if the shame of it doesn't dissolve, and the focus doesn't begin to center.

[msniki48]

Kelsi... You are not alone. there is a gray line from alpha male to totally femme. we are all somewhere in the middle....ok a little closer to femme. ;)

My therapist helped me with th confusion, self loathing and guilt. i now know who and what i am. i know the basic direction of the journey...how far i get is the ?. but for today here i am.

you will never totally shut out kelsi. maybe a week, yr or whatever...when you need her she will be there. when you need him... he will be there.

For now some of us compartmentalize...the boy on one side the girl on the other...as you progress i hope you can be more fluid with your gender needs .

Unless you feel that the only way you can live is as a woman...then thats another story.

Living the duality...what a PLUS... you are gender blessed!

be at peace

[Kate Simmons]

Each and every one of us has to learn to manage the feelings in our own way that works best for us. My only suggestion is not to overthink it and just be yourself and go with the flow. Seems to work for me.:)

[lavistaa62]

What helped my purging was to "purge" via ebay- it slows the process down to a few weeks and reduces the financial hit of doing so. In the process of taking photos and selling I always change my mind about a few things and it ends up being a "renewal" as much as a psychological purge.

[jill_cd_girl]

kelsi

I, as I'm sure many others on this site, can certainly empathize with you. I'm not sure if what I'll say will be helpful, but I'll share anyway.

I used to have a lot of self-loathing about my dressing, and would feel a rush of guilt after a session of dressing. After coming to these support groups, I started to become 'tolerant' of this aspect of myself, until finally I accepted it. But two things came to me during this process. First, I realized that the more and more I was came to accept my desire to crossdress, the less and less my emotions became polarized at extremes. I love dressing when I can, and sometimes I can't get it out of my head. But sometimes I can just put it aside. But I think all of this was possible from allowing this to myself - I suppose resistance causes counter-resistance. Second, I realized that accepting myself as a crossdresser doesn't imply having to come out and dress 24/7 and be totally womanly all the time. (Any desire I had for that before was the result of my own harsh self-proscription and chastising). I like being a guy too - and crossdressing is just one of many things about me - I like to do many other things too.

[sherri52]

Kelsi: Try going to one of the tri-ess meetings. You have a number of girls here from the Tampa area and the meetings are held just across the bay in St. Petersburg 16-20 miles. There are girls there that can answer your questions and direct you to a local councilor if you decide you need to. Having people in the same room that have the same feelings as you could help.

[DonnaT]

Not many can fight themselves and come out on the winning side.

It's time you realize this is part of who you are. And accept it instead of fighting it.

There is no cure.

And since there are millions of crossdressers in the world, in all nations and races, doesn't that count as proof that this is a normal and natural part of humanity?

Get yourself past any hangups about guilt and what some in society may think.

[carhill2mn]

I think that you are "suffering" from a malady which is very common to most CDs at one time or another; you have not yet totally accepted the fact that you are a CD and will have to determine how best to live your life as such. Unfortunately, for many, this process of acceptance may take awhile.
Give yourself a break and think about how good a person you are.
Good luck!

[bron]

In all the forums and all the chatrooms i visit i am told and read...."believe in yourself"....i have no idea what this means.

[Wen4cd]

In all the forums and all the chatrooms i visit i am told and read...."believe in yourself"....i have no idea what this means.

It's very hard to believe in yourself when you don't really know yourself. I never understood what it meant either, for decades.

But then one day, after years of dressing, I met my otherself. And it became vitally important that she be 'believed' in, though there was plenty of evidence on one side to say she was 'mere delusion.'

Believing in yourself becomes important when your definition of 'self' is actually examined more closely.

There is a lot in us which is 'intangible,' and these parts, (contrary to popular common sense,) are the only parts that really matter.

[SuzanneBender]

In all the forums and all the chatrooms i visit i am told and read...."believe in yourself"....i have no idea what this means.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent" What it means is that once you find a way to believe that you are not wrong for being who you are no one else can make you feel bad for being who you are.

Kelsi you are a beutiful woman so I wouldn't and guess what that is not even a requirement for going out. I do believe a support group or therapist would help you immensely. Ohhh and if you do find a cure please share it with the rest of us. Darling welcome to the club. :hugs:

[Jilmac]

Kelsi, I can tell you from my own experience that there is no cure, no matter how many times you purge, the urge to dress will always be present. Society considers a normal person to have no flaws, but normal for us is our desire to crossdress. It may not make sense now but as you persue your desire to dress I think you'll see what I mean when contentment is first in your mind and confusion is last.

[charlie]

Hello Kelsey!
Denise I believe has hit the head on the nail again. You must just be yourself. Tearing the male and fem apart drives you crazy. Somewhere in there is just...you. Get your best dress on, makeup and wig and go to a gay bar there in Tampa. You will not be jeered and ridiculed. You will probably talk to a few people, have a few laughs and start to feel comfortable with yourself. See how you act in public. See how you feel, think, sit and walk. In the morning when you go to work in your regular clothes as a male compare the two. You will start to incorporate what you feel is two of you, into just you (one whole person) with time. As much as I have wished that all this CD would stop it never has. So it is now ...just me.

[AKAMichelle]

Sounds like Guilt and Fear are keeping locked in Purgatory.

I battled the beast for 40+ years until I finally decided to accept myself and try to begin understanding myself. That took a long time of really trying to understand why I felt a certain way. Finally I decided that I had to go out of the house dressed. It was definitely scary. But it helped me face my fears and begin to accept myself.

I don't have the guilt anymore, but I am no closer to understanding why I have to dress from time to time. I can tell you that once I went out the door dressed, I began to find balance in my life with cd'ing. I know I can, but I don't need to as much. I have already gone out dressed. Now I go out because I want to not because I have this pulling and nagging that I have to do it.

Before you get a handle on everything you will need to accept your self and then you can find where you belong. You can do this. Quit feeling guilty and hiding all the time. Drive to another town. So something that changes everything and then begin to reflect on what you learn.

[sterling12]

Kelsi you have got to learn "The Self-Acceptance Thing." And, you have to do it! No one else can do that for you! There are lots of us who can help, but it's ultimately Your Opportunity.

I know I have personally invited you to interview with Tri-Beta, and I think you have communicated with others. We can be supportive and encouraging, but you have to take those first steps.

If your not aware of it, one of The Best Gender Practitioners in The USA, Dr. Kathleen Farrell practices right here in The Tampa Bay Area. If you need Therapy, I couldn't recommend anyone better...and, I think most folks around here would agree. If you need more info, PM me.

So, The World is waiting! You can continue as before and apparently put yourself through great distress, or you can do something about it. Want to begin that Journey of a Thousand Miles? Take The First step!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[docrobbysherry]

And that is the day we die!:doh:

Dying is EASY, it's LIVING that's HARD!:brolleyes:

I struggle CONSTANTLY with CD guilt! Vacillating between the extreme JOY of dressing, and thots of being a perv, when I'm NOT!:eek:

I STRONGLY suggest u find an EXPERIENCED, QUALIFIED therapist! She mite get to heart of your concerns quickly!:)

[NathalieX66]

What was it Peter Gabriel said in that song?

"You've got to get in, to get out." I was thinking more of the Ziggy Marley song "True To Myself"....google the lyrics, or find the video on youtube and it just sums everything up.

I found my peace. I love being a guy & doing guy things...and discovered I love doing girl things too! Thus my little switchbox below. I can't really explain it, but all I know is I feel a sense of power & balance.

[Alice Torn]

Doc, Well said. Its the living that is hard work, and fun sometimes. To be alive, is to be conflicted.

[marlacd]

I feel for you. Talking it out would be a good idea. I went thru it, too. But in my case, I couldn't afford to go see anyone. Instead, I just stored my stuff away, without purging, and thought things out. What changed my mind was age. I finally decided that there was things out there that was far worse doing, than crossdressing.

[Frédérique]

I like my life and do not want to loose any of it, but I would like to try some more of this other side too!!! is that wrong? Again is this normal.
maybe it is time I really try to talk to someone. Maybe to get cured or to learn to put feeling aside or whatever. What do you think?

By all means try the “other side,” in fact try everything in life while you can – you only have so much time to use, you know. You are already “talking” to those you should be talking to (i.e. us). There is no cure, and you can’t put your feelings aside without causing psychological damage. Just relax and get comfortable – you’re in for an interesting ride that few have taken. If you’re young, just wait a while – things will be clearer later in life, and you’ll soon wonder what you were worried about in the first place…

And here's the most important piece of advice -- please don't take things so seriously...:hugs:

[cdkelsi]

Wow thank u all so much. So sweet to take time to tell me ur thought and or experiences. Much appreciated. For me I am not really sure what my next step is or how to do it. I know I hate being trapped. I know I love to feel Fem alot, but I still see a guy who limes woman and who does have a so and lil ones. Something has to happen. Been too long I have to get something figured. Many thx. I wish u all the best. Hope to chat more with u all.

[Katesback]

I am in Florida and you pay for me to help. If you would like to go to the T-houseonline.com web site and at the bottom is my number. You can call me and we can have a chat. I have a nice list of therapists and many do phone consults soo please let me know.

katie

[bron]

To accept ones self........i have no idea what that means

[pkmoss]

Dear Kelsi,

The Tampa/St. Pete area is home to a therapist with extensive experience and training on gender issues. Please see: http://www.tgtherapist.com/ I hope this helps.

[jamie louise]

Let's try that again reneelouise60@aol.com

[Sandra65]

It is a constant struggle cdkelsi. I've often sat there after a CD episode and thought 'why the hell did I just do that?' and promised myself not to do it again. Yet within a few days I would be back in female attire. I even purged multiple shoes, skirts and dozens of pairs of stockings and pantyhose last year, promising to make a fresh start. Within a month though I was shopping again and building a new collection. Again, that has gone and like you, I am constantly wrestling with the idea that I shouldn't be doing this. Just the other night I was walking through a department store checking out the latest shoes and skirts, with little Jimminy Cricket in the the back of my head going "you shouldn't be doing this, you know where this is going to lead!"

I noticed you too are thinking about being "cured" and I agree that it would make life less complicated. While there are testimonies out there about how people stopped, the number of people in this forum who have tried and failed or simply accepted who they are suggests that the "cure" rate isn't very high. I'd like to believe I could stop forever but my confidence isn't high and the consequences of that scare me.

[melissacd]

You are not broken, you are not sick and you cannot be cured - because it is not an illness.

The first step in getting through this is accepting that it is okay and then moving forward from there. You have an aspect to your personage that gravitates, more or less, towards feminine things. It could be just a fetish, but it could also be much more than that.

It could be something that you are happy doing once in a while. It could be something that you need to do all the time. It could lead to full transition to being a female or it may not. It could mean that you open yourself up to new modes of sexual expression that you never considered before or it may just be that you are a normal hetero male in a dress.

There are so many possibilities and so many questions. The best thing to do after you accept that this is okay is to start getting answers to these questions which can come from websites, books, support groups, other people in the community and even counselling.

The important part about counselling is that it needs to be done in an air of understanding and not as a mode of treatment for a malady, so the person that you go to needs to understand that this is normal and not a sickness.

You are okay, you just need to learn and understand more and make informed choices based on that understanding.

Melissa

[Sally24]

In almost all cases, it does not go away or get cured. What you are going to have to do is learn about yourself. A good counselor can help you get comfortable with the person you are. Stop trying to run away from this and face it head on. Good luck!