flic
02-04-2010, 01:13 PM
I've confused myself lately, I have a habit of doing this. Often i wonder if i'll ever untie all the knots i manage i tie myself into. The last year or two has been a bit of a coming out frenzy, I felt it important for all concerned to tell all those close to me of my tg issues and all that was going on. Reactions were muted, not in an 'omg you're what?' sort of way, more of an 'oooohhh, that makes so much sense' puzzle solving sort of way. I think it explained a lot of why i am the way i am for people. Obviously this is all positive, yet from my reaction to all these good responses you'd think i'd have been ostracised from friendship groups. Tantrumy and whingy is never an attractive thing to be, and so i can only summise i must have been a fairly ugly person lately.
The problem was that i'd released years of anxiety and feeling as though i was hiding in plain view of all my friends, i'd built it up in my head to be such a huge deal that i guess I was expecting a little bit more upset, or a punch to the face, or a stamp on the foot, and lots and lots of shouting and crying and whirling arms and storming out of rooms. And there just wasn't any, barely any reaction at all. And i guess it just means my friends were half way there, i just gave them the final pieces they needed to work me out, but my inward feelings just failed to materialise in the outside world. The huge fireball's falling from the sky and dissolving in molten magma and volcanoes and catastrophe, and bright red skies with swirling clouds failed to show, my world didn't end, in fact barely anything changed. Nobody called me a freak, nobody hit me, nobody laughed or called anyone else to say 'you'll never guess what'. And the world carried on the same as it had always been.
And now i'm coming to terms with people knowing and still wanting to know, i can start to see light flooding into my apocalyptic mindset. I'd gotten myself hung up on this idea that I had been lying to my friends, and that I owed them the truth, which in some ways i did. I'd torture myself that i hadn't been up front and honest with the people i loved. But it occurred to me that maybe the reason there were no tantrums, and there were no rejections is because i had been. Turns out i'd been myself all along, all i'd done is piece the puzzle a little bit more, and i've hardly been happier than the moment i realised that.
x flic x
The problem was that i'd released years of anxiety and feeling as though i was hiding in plain view of all my friends, i'd built it up in my head to be such a huge deal that i guess I was expecting a little bit more upset, or a punch to the face, or a stamp on the foot, and lots and lots of shouting and crying and whirling arms and storming out of rooms. And there just wasn't any, barely any reaction at all. And i guess it just means my friends were half way there, i just gave them the final pieces they needed to work me out, but my inward feelings just failed to materialise in the outside world. The huge fireball's falling from the sky and dissolving in molten magma and volcanoes and catastrophe, and bright red skies with swirling clouds failed to show, my world didn't end, in fact barely anything changed. Nobody called me a freak, nobody hit me, nobody laughed or called anyone else to say 'you'll never guess what'. And the world carried on the same as it had always been.
And now i'm coming to terms with people knowing and still wanting to know, i can start to see light flooding into my apocalyptic mindset. I'd gotten myself hung up on this idea that I had been lying to my friends, and that I owed them the truth, which in some ways i did. I'd torture myself that i hadn't been up front and honest with the people i loved. But it occurred to me that maybe the reason there were no tantrums, and there were no rejections is because i had been. Turns out i'd been myself all along, all i'd done is piece the puzzle a little bit more, and i've hardly been happier than the moment i realised that.
x flic x